Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Weight loss questions

I'm sitting at my internship and it's state testing week so I can't meet with any of my students or run my groups until this afternoon after lunch. Instead, I've been outlining my group activities and pretty much twiddling my thumbs because I've been bored out of my mind.

My mind keeps wandering because I was logged into my e-mail and I started thinking about my workout last night. I spent two hours at the gym, which wasn't intentional. I did some warm up stretches, about 45 minutes of cardio because New Moon was showing in the cardio theater, some free weights with Denise, and then some cool down stretches.

It doesn't seem to matter how often I work out, my weight either stays right where it is or goes down maybe a pound or two. Last month I lost three pounds, which for me I thought was good because the month before I hadn't lost anything and I had even gone on vacation before this weigh in. However, when I posted it on facebook in the midst of my excitment, my cousin made a comment that it's not the pounds that matter, but the inches.

First off, I don't think I've ever measured myself. Second, if the pounds don't matter in your weight loss, then why even have a chart showing whether you're overweight, average, etc? It's been so discouraging lately to get excited about a change in the scale just to have people tell me that only the inches matter and not the pounds.

So I guess my question for my health conscious friends out there-how do I lose the inches? I do know that no matter how much I lose, my pants size has not moved very far. The current size I'm in now is too loose, but the size down is too small and it's been this way for like six months and I don't know what else to do to lose.

I've changed my workouts up and have started mixing in classes with my regular workouts because my boss told me that would help. I've been portioning out my foods so I'm not overeating and I've even been changing what I eat but yet nothing is working. I don't eat as much as I used to now because for one, it's getting warmer out and when it's warm outside I don't eat much and second, I just haven't been hungry. I'm starting to get frustrated and I'm about ready to throw in the towel. I love my workouts, but apparently I'm not seeing much progress. Help anyone?

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Dave and Katie's wedding!

Yesterday was Dave and Katie's wedding, something I have been anxiously awaiting for months. After our history together, it makes my heart happy to know that Dave has found someone as great as Katie and I couldn't ask for a better "sister in law." Dave is like my big brother and Katie is just absolutely perfect for him.

Vince came in for the weekend to go to the wedding as my date which was amazing as always. It's been way too long since we've seen each other and when he's here I realize just how much I miss him when he's at school.

Friday night we went down the Levee with Tym and Brian and had dinner. After dinner we walked around a bit and then Brian and I decided it would be fun to take Vince to see Fountain Square at night. Now, this would have been fine if I had known where I was going but because I didn't (I had a general idea haha), we ended up getting lost and we ended up in a not so nice area of downtown. We jokingly talk about how we passed several drug deals and pimps but let me tell you, I was never more relieved when we ended up near campus and out of the not so nice part of the city.

Since we ended up in Clifton, we decided to get out and walk. I took the boys on a tour of campus and we ended up hanging out there for awhile. Brian of course, had to go and be accident prone and ended up falling off the bleachers he had attempted to lay down on in the stadium. Luckily he was able to semi catch himself, but not before he had hit his hip on the metal part of the bleachers. Ouch.

Yesterday morning I got up and bought Brad Paisley tickets for Indianapolis so Megan and I could get pavillion seats and then went to get my hair done before the wedding since I have no sense of hair styling at all. The lady at Great Clips curled it for me and then pinned part of it back off of my face. It was super cute and natural looking. I loved it. :-)

I came back, did my makeup, put my dress on, and then Vince and I went to Applebees for lunch. My stomach was starting to get butterflies because I knew I was doing a reading at the wedding so I wasn't able to eat much but lunch was fun as always. Vince and I never run out of things to talk about and we had so much to catch up on so it was nice to have some one on one time to just catch up and talk.

The ceremony arrived before I knew it and luckily I was able to hold myself together pretty well. I teared up during the vows and rings because I knew I was reading the petitions (the prayers for those not familiar with Catholic weddings) afterward. I think this was the worst part for me. I hate speaking in front of people but because I love Dave and Katie and I was honored to be a part of their wedding, I wanted to do it. I got to the podium and my heart was racing a million miles a minute and I could feel myself shaking. Apparently it didn't come across that I was nervous to everyone else but when I got back to my seat Vince took one look at my hands and knew how bad it was. He managed to calm me down, which helped a lot. Without him there I probably would have been a mess.

After the ceremony, we had a few hours to kill so Vince and I went down to Devou Park to take pictures while we were all dressed up. After Devou we decided to head to the river and went for a walk through Sawyer Point where I took a ridiculous picture of Vince in front of the flying pig. Hilarious!

The reception was amazing! I didn't eat much, which probably wasn't good, especially because I had three glasses of wine and the third one went straight to my head. After some fresh air and water though, I was fine. We had so much fun dancing and it was so nice to have a date who would actually dance with me. We stayed at the reception until about 11:30 and left after people started getting obnoxiously drunk.

We went to my sister's for a bit and then came back to the house. I took a shower because my feet were gross from the alcohol being spilled on the dance floor and I just felt gross overall from dancing all night. By the time my head hit the pillow, I was passed out and slept until about half an hour before my alarm went off this morning. I was shocked that I was awake by 8:45, especially since I didn't get to bed until about 1:30 but my body just couldn't sleep anymore.

Today we went to breakfast at IHop and then went back down to the river and walked and talked and just hung out. After the river we headed to Fountain Square that I found only after having to call Glenn at work for directions. :-P

This weekend was just what I needed. I think it's been the best weekend I've had since being home from Denver and it was a nice break from the stress of school, work, and my life in general. There's something about seeing Vince that just completes me and I love having him here.

As great as the weekend was, having him here made me realize just how lonely I am. This season of being single hurts my heart so much and I try so hard not to admit to myself how much it hurts. Having Vince here and having him pay so much attention to me made me realize just how much I crave those intimacies of being in a relationship. I enjoy when a guy holds my hand, wraps his arms around me, and just makes me feel special and complete. I love Vince dearly and I love how easy and normal it is for us to be affectionate with each other, but when he left today, I realized how much I want that all the time.

I want a guy in my life who gives me that kind of attention, who goes out of his way to make me feel special, and shows me how much he cares. My guy friends are amazing and I love them dearly, but I feel as if that's not what I want or need. It's so hard to be single and watching friend after friend fall in love and get married. I keep myself so busy so that I don't have time to dwell on the fact that I'm single without even the slightest chance of there being someone in my life.

Being with Vince this weekend gives me hope that there are still good guys out there and that eventually, I might stumble upon one of them who will love me unconditionally and give me the love and affection that I crave. I loved how Vince made me feel this weekend and I loved having someone to hold hands with as we walked along the river and downtown but it's something I want permanently. I feel as if part of me is missing because I don't have someone in my life and I hate that I let myself feel this way.

I don't even know if I've made any sense. I tried to explain to Denise today how I felt but I don't even know if I made any sense to her. All I know is even with the amazing time I had with Vince this weekend, part of me is left with an ache in my heart that just never seems to go away, one I don't know how to feel. I'm so ready for someone to fall in love with and for whatever reason, it just hasn't happened yet and I keep getting passed over while everyone else around me is falling in love. I honestly don't know how much more of this I can take. The loneliness hurts...a lot...and it's just become easier to keep pushing it down and pretend it's not there instead of admitting how much I truly do hurt.

I sit here in tears as I finish this because I've known this point was coming and after this weekend, I finally had to admit it. I knew when I made the decision to not date this year that it was going to be hard but I never thought it would be this hard. I'm so ready to be in love and it's just not my time. I hate waiting and I hate the ache that I deal with everyday...

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Peace

This entry may be all over the place because my mind is all over the place tonight. I should actually be sleeping because I'm exhausted but my mind is on overload. I'm so glad tomorrow is Saturday and I can sleep in.

On another, more serious note, I've been doing some thinking about my life and where my life is at right now. Ever since I've gotten back from Denver, my heart and my mind have been wrapped around it. I won't lie- the idea of moving is still fresh in my mind and I have gone around and around in circles about it. I've sought out the opinions of my friends, my mom, and my sister and have been weighing my options.

The other day, I finally couldn't take it anymore. I have been in tears several times since getting home two weeks ago and since I was off from interning and my job, I spent my day down on the river, the place everyone knows I go when I need to clear my head. It was there that I broke myself before the Lord and told Him I couldn't do this anymore, that I couldn't take it consuming my mind all the time because it was just too much. The worry, the anxiety, the fears...it was just too much for something that may not happen or if it does happen, won't happen for two years.

I walked and I walked and I walked. During that walk, several tears were shed over the thought that maybe God is truly calling me out of my comfort zone, out of the place that I love, away from the people I love, to a place where I have only a few connections and a place I don't really know. I told Him I didn't understand how something that had started as a joke had suddenly turned serious. I asked Him why He would want to move me out of this place and that while part of me finds the idea of an adventure exciting, the bigger part of my heart is scared because I have never entertained the idea of being away from my family before.

By the end of the hour I had spent walking along the river (I had to have done at least four miles or so round trip) I had a sense of peace, something I haven't felt once since getting home from Denver two weeks ago. I told God I was ready to go wherever He wants to take me, as scary as that may sound. I asked Him to prepare my heart for this next chapter in my life, no matter what it may be.

That very night, I went for ice cream with one of my best friends, one of the few people who has known me my entire life (I am so glad she moved to Cincinnati last year because I would be a wreck without her right now!) and talked out everything that had happened with her. She listened, she repeated what she had told me a week ago about how she thinks I'm at a point in my life where I could probably handle a move of this magnitude, and then she shared with me something that has been stuck in my mind since Wednesday night.

She told me to remember to live in the moment. She said that while this next chapter is exciting and adventurous, to remember to live in the moment and cherish the times and experiences I have with my friends and family right now. She told me to be careful to not push them away just because it will make it easier to leave when the time comes. She told me that now, more than ever, is when I'm going to need them and so I need to cherish every memory I can make with them before I decide on what the next step in my life is going to be.

That was what I needed to hear. I told her I was already afraid because I feel as if part of me has made the decision to make this move and that I was afraid I would push everyone away to make it easier. But in all honesty, if I decide to move to Denver, it is these people who I'm going to need in my life because they are the ones who remind me of my background, of the place I have here, and the encouragement they provide. Without them, without their support, I wouldn't be able to even consider all of this. It is during those moments of homesickness that I would need their love and support most of all because they are going to reaffirm why I chose the route I chose. If I push them away now, I'll lose them when I need them the most.

I needed to hear that because for the last two weeks, every time I've been logged on to the internet, my facebook has been open so I can chat with the friends I made while in Denver. My phone has been by my side so I can text them as soon as something strikes that makes me think of them. My every thought has been consumed by the connection I made in Denver and the thought of what they are doing without me instead of being here, in the moment, in the life I'm living right now.

It felt so good to have my computer turned off for a couple of hours tonight to just hang out and watch a movie with my mom. My phone was on the coffee table away from me and I was able to focus on this moment, this routine my mom and I do every other weekend when she was off of work.

I need to live in the here and now, and not the future because I don't know where God's going to take my future. It could be here in Cincinnati, it could be in Denver, or it could be in France for all I know. What I do know is that between my time spent on the river and my time with Adrienne, I suddenly have a sense of peace that I didn't have before and for that, I am grateful.

On that note, I am off to get some much needed sleep. First, I need to turn off the alarm so I'm not woken up at 7 a.m. thinking it's time for work.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Another goal crossed off

I hit a milestone today in my workout goals. Since I joined Fitworks a little over a year ago, I told myself I wanted to be able to take a spinning class, something I thought I would never, ever be able to do. I kept making the excuse of "I'll do it when I feel like I'm ready for it." I kept coming up with excuses until my membership rep told me she would take the class with me when I decided I was ready.

Well, since the district I'm interning for is on spring break this week and I had today off, I decided to take my first spinning class this morning. It was hands down, the best and hardest workout I have ever had! During the class I kept telling Melissa "Why did I agree to this again? Why was this my idea? I think I'm going to puke!" hahaha She graciously told me she would leave the class with me if I decided it was too much and I was like, "NO! We are finishing this class!" And we did! I didn't go that far to just back out and quit.

After the class was over I was so proud of myself. It gave me such a rush and I had so much energy to go through my day. Tonight, however, I am feeling it. I am so incredibly sore it's not even funny! I took some ibuprofen to help with the pain at the encouragement of my mom the nurse but that didn't even seem to help. I know it'll all work itself out though so I'm not too worried.

I don't hurt enough that it's going to stop me from going again. I'm going to try and make the Saturday morning class and start making that my regular weekend workout. It was such a great workout, despite the pain I'm feeling from it tonight.

I had so much more I wanted to write about my current thoughts on moving to Denver and the wonderful, encouraging talk I had with Tym about it but my brain has lost all of it's focus so that will have to wait for tomorrow. I need sleep!

Friday, April 2, 2010

Spring is here!

Spring has finally arrived in Ohio and I love it! The weather has been beyond beautiful since I got home from Denver and I love that my class can go outside at work. It makes the days much easier when they can get outside and run off their energy.

I started my internship this week and I love it so far! Next week is the district's spring break so I'm going to use those two days off from interning to finish my financial aid stuff for next year and do homework before class on those evenings. I'm also taking a spinning class on Tuesday morning which should be entertaining. :-P

So I suppose I should update about the rest of my Denver trip since the last time I wrote it was about the snow. I had such a great time. Jack took me exploring at Red Rock Amphitheater which was fun. It was absolutely beautiful. I should post pictures from my trip but if you're friends with me on facebook there's an album over there. On my last full day in town Jack and Terry Lee took me to Estes Park, where it was freezing and snowing but so so so beautiful! Again, pictures are on facebook. :-)

We also went to dinner and movie that night at this place called Cinebarre where they serve you dinner while you see a movie. We saw The Bounty Hunter, which I didn't think was that great. I think we all came to agreement that the best part of the movie was Gerard Butler in a towel with no shirt on. :-P

One night during my trip I ended up having a talk with Mike and Jack about my plans for after I get done with school. Mike asked me if I would ever consider moving to Denver. At first I told him he was crazy but then he really got me thinking. What started as a joke where we dubbed him my gay soulmate because he loves Delilah turned into long talks about me moving to Colorado. I found out (as most of you know from some protected posts on bloop) that all I have to do is sit for what Colorado calls the PLACE exam and then of course find a job.

Since I've gotten home, I've been giving this a lot and I mean, a lot of thought. I had never thought of moving anywhere other than Cincinnati before and now it's all I can think about. I think it will be good for me to spread my wings and fly and get out of my protective little Ohio bubble. I still have two years of school left so you never know what may happen but I'm open to the possibility. It helps that my mom and my best friends are supportive of my ideas.

I'm flying out to Denver again in September for a week before fall quarter starts. This time around I'm going to rent a car so I can go exploring on my own. I also have a list of apartments I'm going to look at, just to start keeping my options open. My mom knows about my plans and she's really supportive of it. I haven't told anyone else in my family yet because right now, there's no reason to tell anyone. Like I said, nothing is definite, just keeping my options open. Right now I'm just excited to see Denver during a warm month. :-)

Alright, I'm off to watch New Moon and look up some deals on flights and rental cars so I can get them booked now while it's cheaper. Sooo excited!!