Living By Faith

Itching to get away

2012-02-19T14:28:00.000-05:00

First off, I am FULLY FUNDED for Haiti this summer!!! Woo! God is soooo good! I am actually beyond funded, which is incredible. It has been so encouraging to watch this all happen and come together. Now I just need to finish up my vacccinations and get my passport and I'll be good to go!

With that being said, Denver this summer is NOT happening for reasons I would rather not discuss. Since that isn't happening, I'm looking at getting away either for a long weekend over Memorial Day weekend or sometime this summer. My friend Andrea and I were discussing Disney but I'm thinking going elsewhere. I don't know yet. I have a plane ticket to use since I'm not using it for spring break (we're driving to Nashville for a couple days instead of going on our cruise) so I want to use it to escape for a few days.

This is what I'm thinking. Feel free to chime in with thoughts/suggestions/comments, whatever.

1. Charlotte/Raleigh
I have friends both just outside of Charlotte and just outside of Raleigh. I could rent a car for a weekend and see both of them. (And yes of course this was inspired by my lovely blooper Megan!) A couple of my guy friends love roller coasters and Carowinds is located in Charlotte so they're thinking of going with me too.

2. Washington D.C.
One of my really good guy friends is working on his Mater's at the University of Maryland, College Park which is located just outside of D.C. I was thinking of visiting him and his girlfriend but doing some touristy stuff on my own to have some me time.

3. New York City
I am dying to visit New York City! I would love to see a play on Broadway, visit Times Square and Central Park and all the other millions of places I've only ever read about it. If I go to NYC, I wouldn't even have to rent a car. Actually, I wouldn't have to in D.C. either!

4. Seattle
I have always wanted to go to Seattle. There's just something about it that draws me in. I've read about it and obviously one of my favorite movies is Sleepless in Seattle and it's just somewhere I've always wanted to visit.

5. Chicago
People rave about Chicago and I've always wanted to go. I don't know a lot about it but it would be cool to visit and see why everyone loves it so much. Plus, if either of the MLB teams are home I could see a baseball game or two!

Obviously most of the cost of my plane ticket will be taken care of but then I have to factor in hotels/transportation. Anyone have any suggestions for long weekend getaways? I don't know how much time I can afford to take off. I was thinking maybe four or five days at the most. I'm looking for suggestions of places, costs, hotels, public transportation, that kind of thing.

So friends...give me your thoughts! I officially have wanderlust and want to run away, even if just for a couple of days. :-)

And my heart just broke a little more...

2012-02-14T10:43:00.002-05:00

My stepdad just left to take my beloved puppy to the vet to have her put down. I know it's time but my heart hurts so much. She's been my best friend, my protector, and my heart and soul for the past 14 or 15 years. I don't know what I'm going to do without having her under my feet to trip over anymore, to lay with when I'm sad, and to snuggle up with when I sleep.

Rest in peace Missy. You were my best friend and I will forever miss you.

Falling apart

2012-02-12T20:32:00.001-05:00

I'm falling apart tonight. I had an incredible morning at church, getting the chance to speak in all three services about going to Haiti this summer. The church took up a special offering for us and I'm now only $100 short of the technical cost of the trip.

Then I got home and everything fell apart. Typically we only check the mail once a week and my mom had laid my mail on the coffee table for me. As I was going through it, there was an envelope with my name on it and no return address. As soon as I saw the handwriting my blood ran cold. I looked at the postmark and it had come from Florida. It was from my dad, the man I've had NO contact with since my junior year of college in 2007.

Why now? Why now of all times did he decide to contact me? Once again, the letter was the same old stuff he always writes. He always starts it saying he's not going to talk about himself and wants to know how I am and then he goes on and on about his supposed recovery from his addictions and how he's struggling to find forgiveness within himself, blah blah blah. NOT ONCE does he apologize for the hell he put me through growing up. NOT ONCE has he EVER admitted the abuse we went through. NOT ONCE does he apologize for choosing drugs and alcohol over his family.

I knew what to expect and I stupidly opened that envelope anyway. I think there's always a part of me that will hold out hope that he's changed when in reality I know he never will. He had his chance. I don't need him. I have a father now who loves me unconditionally, who has been there for me more in the 11 years I've lived in Cincinnati than my real dad ever was. So why do I keep hoping he'll change? Why do I keep letting him hurt me, after all these years?

I laid on my bed and just cried for about an hour this afternoon. I hate that I let him hurt me. I hate that after one of the greatest mornings ever, he ruined it. I thought I was stronger than this. Why does he still have this hold over me?

All I've done today is mope after writing my school law paper. I feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat and even though it's only 8:30, I'm ready to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head, and just block the world out, even if just for one night.

I hate that he still makes me feel this way. And I hate that there's still a part of me that hopes he'll change and become the dad I've always wanted. I just want to keep the past in the past and every few years, he pops back in and makes me remember everything I've tried to forget.

I didn't need these memories tonight. Not on a night I should be rejoicing about all the good God is doing. Instead, I'm laying on the couch, under my favorite blanket, with memories of the past swirling through my brain. I even skipped my usual Sunday night with my youth kids because I just couldn't put on a happy face tonight.

Damn him. Damn him for the control he still has over me. I hate that I'm not strong enough to just let this roll off my back. I just want to forget and move on. Why does he keep coming back? Why can't he just leave me be?

My heart hurts. And I'm about to cry. It's time for me to go to bed.

Now that it's February...

2012-02-04T23:29:00.001-05:00

I suppose now that it's February it's time for an update. I'm probably just going to do bullets because I'm tired and don't really feel up to writing a huge entry.

School:
School is going well. I'm officially registered for my final quarter and graduation is quickly approaching. I take my comprehensive exam to graduate from the counseling program for the second time next Saturday. Am I nervous? Absolutely. I need to pass or I have to petition to the department to write a thesis and I really don't want to have to do that. I did get the all clear to graduate as long as I pass the exam which is an amazing feeling. I can't believe in just a few short months I'll hold my Master's degree in my hands!

Internship:
Words can't even begin to describe how much I love, love, love my internship! I am now pretty much doing my own thing on the days that I'm there. I see a couple of kids regularly and I'm getting ready to start running a study skills group that will run for 7-10 weeks, depending on how much I can come up with curriculum wise. This is going to by my baby and I'm excited to take on such a big challenge.

I also hit a milestone last week and spoke in front of 300 eighth graders. I HATE public speaking with a passion so when Nicole told me she was going to make me present the guidance counselor part of the team meetings we have every quarter, I just looked at her like she was crazy. However, I did it and I did it like a champ! I barely looked at my notes and had the full attention of the kids I was speaking to. When I was finished, I got huge compliments from Nicole, the teachers, and even the principal, who NEVER gives compliments. That was huge for me. The confidence I had afterwards was an incredible feeling. It made getting up and presenting in front of 15 of my peers in class no big deal this week. It also affirmed how much I love the middle school age and how much I want to work with middle schoolers.

Work:
Work is...work. I do have to admit that as much as I'm over working in a preschool, I love that I'm not in a set classroom everyday anymore. Since I only work three days a week because of my internship, I float from room to room depending on where I'm needed. It's given me the chance to get to know all the kids and parents in the building and the constant change means that my patience level has gone up. I'm usually exhausted at the end of the day, but I love that each day is different.

On a career level though, I have officially started the job search for next year! With graduation quickly approaching, schools are beginning their hiring process. I've already applied for a couple of jobs in Denver and one school counseling job here in Cincinnati. I'm scanning job sites and school districts almost daily, hoping to jump on the application as soon as it's posted.

I was certain I'd end up in Denver next year but for many reasons I don't think it's going to happen. I'm still looking and applying but right now, I just feel like Denver isn't meant to happen. I was going to stay with the boys until I could get a place of my own and get on my feet but all of a sudden Mike is acting funny and has become MIA when I try to reach him. Plus, with the plans to go to Haiti, it would make it hard to relocate to Denver this summer. I don't know. Right now, I just believe that for whatever reason, I'm meant to stay in Ohio. If Denver is meant to happen, it will. If not, I'm content with staying here. God has a plan for me, regardless of where I end up at. I firmly believe that. :-)

Church:
I love where I am right now. I'm finally in a small group and I feel like I'm flourishing. My faith is definitely growing, which I love. Last year, my word for the year was believe. I was encouraged to believe that God is who He says He is and that He has big plans for my life. This year, the words I'm praying over are strength and growth. I want my faith to be strengthened and I want to grow. I want to be pushed out of my comfort zone and I want my faith to keep going up instead of getting stuck in some of the valleys I ended up in last year.

The biggest thing that is going to teach me to grow and that will strengthen my faith is going to Haiti. For months as Seth talked about this trip, I kept saying there was no way I was going overseas and no way I was going on a mission trip. I've never felt called to missions before. Well, I'm quickly learning that God has a sense of humor and when you tell Him what you're NOT going to do, He'll quickly tell you what you ARE going to do. :-P

So...I've been praying about Haiti and I'm officially registered for the 10 day trip in July. I started the vaccination process and the next step will be getting started on my passport. I can't believe I'm doing this but God has proven Himself faithful and the support has been rolling in. I'm about $800 short of the amount I have to technically raise, though I added an extra $600 to cover the expense of the vaccinations and passport that I'm paying for out of pocket. I still have about two full weeks before the deadline I put in my support letters and if I haven't raised the money by then, I'll be sending out another round or making some phone calls to do some follow up. I'm trusting God though, and I fully believe the support is going to come through. Once I started praying about this and trusting His plan, the support started rolling in. If God wants me in Haiti in July, He'll make it happen. I believe that. :-)

Believe it or not, I'm no longer afraid of this trip. Okay...well, I am, but only because I'm a picky eater. I fully plan to pack a suitcase with things like crackers and peanut butter to get me through the two weeks I'll be overseas so at least I know I won't go hungry. But, I'm not afraid of what this trip is going to bring. I do think it's going to break me and I have a feeling lots of tears will be shed, but I do think I'm going to grow like crazy by allowing God to take me out of comfortable little Ohio bubble for ten days. I'm nervous, but I'm more excited. I'm looking forward to the good things I know God is going to do on this trip.

Family:
Family is doing well. My newest nephew is growing so quickly! He'll be four months old on the 21st which is just crazy to think about already. He's so handsome and has aunt Heather wrapped around his little finger already. I just can't get enough of him. Logan is going to be eight on the 13th, which also boggles my mind. That means it's been EIGHT YEARS since my freshman year of college! Holy cow, where has the time gone?! He's SO smart and he still melts my heart when he hugs me and tells me he loves me. He's also going to hold such a special place in my heart because he was my first nephew. I love him, Daniel, and Savannah equally but he'll always be my baby. Savannah is going to be six in May and is in kindergarten now. She's full of attitude, all of which comes from my sister! She cracks me up with the stuff that comes out of her mouth. Sometimes I forget she's only five. I tell my sister she's five going on 15. haha

The biggest thing going on in our family right now is that we're talking about putting our dog down. It breaks my heart to even write about this but I just can't keep it bottled up anymore. She's getting old; she's at least 13 years old now I think. She started losing weight, she can't hold her bladder, and now she's having trouble seeing. I can't imagine not having her here but I can't stand the thought that she might be in pain. She's having spells where it seems like she's confused when she goes outside and will go out under the fence and then just circle our driveway like she doesn't know where to be. My mom went outside to get her the other night and she was just sitting between the car and the driveway, just sitting there. I cried myself to sleep last night because my parents brought up the discussion of what we're going to do and I just couldn't talk about it. It makes my heart hurt too much to think about it.

I hate to end on such a sad note but that's all I really have. That's my life in a nutshell. I think I covered the biggert points anyway. I'm sure there's probably more but it's 11:30 on Saturday night and my brain is officially turned off for the night. Hopefully it won't be a month before I update again!

I'm alive!

2012-01-10T23:02:00.000-05:00

I'm alive I swear! Things have been crazy busy since Christmas and I was sick for a couple of days after Christmas so I just haven't had time to write. This is my reminder to myself to update on everything from Haiti to school to church to my words for 2012 and an update on my word from 2011 and so much more. The biggest news to update on is a BIG decision I made concerning this summer and the steps I've taken to getting there. I have a HUGE list in my purse of things I need to update on so my next update will be lengthy. I'm in class until 9:30 tomorrow night (yuck!) so I'll try and update Thursday before we leave for retreat Friday.

Miss you all! Hope everyone is doing well!

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-25T17:15:00.001-05:00

Merry Christmas all! This year my heart hasn't been into Christmas and I think a lot of it is because I wasn't able to buy gifts for anyone in my family because I've been struggling with my finances due to a limited work schedule because of school. It took going to Christmas Eve service last night and the reminder of what the season is truly about to bring me out of my funk. I also love that Christmas fell on a Sunday this year and I got to start my Christmas Day by worshiping with my church family, which is always amazing.

I have so much to update on, especially on my word(s) for 2012. Last year's word was believe and I look forward to doing an update on how I grew by trusting and believing the Lord in 2011. For 2012, I can feel God laying the words strength and growth on my heart and I look forward to writing about what I think those words will bring to my life in 2012. Plus, I owe updates on every major area of my life, from love to school to work.

For now, I'm going to go catch a quick nap before my sister and her boyfriend and the kids come over so the kids can open gifts from my parents. My stomach has been queasy since leaving my cousin's (stupid rolling hills between home and Oxford....now I remember why I typically drive myself. I hate motion sickness. Ugh!) so I'm going to go drink some water and try to sleep it off.

I hope you all had a very, Merry Christmas. :-)

When one door closes, another opens...

2011-12-24T01:01:00.000-05:00

I wasn't going to blog tonight but I just got in from spending time with J, which typically throws me for a loop emotionally. However, he brought his new girlfriend home and I have to admit that as nervous as I was about meeting her, I adore her. I text Evan when I got in and told him I was pretty sure I had just met J's future wife. That's how perfect I think she is for him. It was obvious in the short amount of time I spent with them before she went to bed so we could catch up that he cares more for her in the few months they've been dating than he did for his girlfriend he had at OSU.

It felt good to "officially" close the door on my past with J tonight. Even though I thought that door was closed after the conversation we had in May, it was officially closed tonight. I was even able to joke with him about our past which is always a good sign. I am genuinely happy for him and feel nothing but content at where we stand as friends.

However, as all good friends in my life, he knows me better than I know myself and wasn't afraid to call me out on how I feel right now with another person in my life. It amazes me how even from D.C. he still knows me better than I know myself. It was a geunine relief to be able to share with him how I felt and to have his support. I think out of any of my friends, his opinion ranks right up there with Megan and Vince's. I'm anxious for Vince to be here this coming week to get his feedback too.

I told Evan tonight when I got in that I feel content about where things stand with J and I and that I no longer doubt that God has something amazing planned for me. I can sense it, even if I don't 100 percent know what that plan is yet. I'm going to continue to trust Him and seek His will over my own. I think it's part of why I've been so up and down emotionally lately. I've been letting my head and my heart run away from me and not praying about it or spending time in the Word the way I know I need to be. How can I let God be at the center of any future relationship if I'm not allowing Him to be there before it even begins? After all, He's the one writing my love story right?

I think it will be interesting to see where things go in the next couple of months but for tonight, I am thankful for J and our friendship and how he will always be one of the people who knows me better than I know myself. It's also nice to know that distance doesn't change anything and even though we're both busy with grad school and work, we still have time to be there and support each other and be the friends we've always been. Time and distance mean nothing when it comes to the people who are your best friends.

17 years...

2011-12-10T22:15:00.004-05:00

They say when you're young, death doesn't hit you as hard. I, however, don't agree with that fact. I think that death can impact you, regardless of how old you are. The pain may fade, but the memories never do.

17 years ago today, our family lost an amazing man. My grandpa was the light of our world and the person who made our Christmas season incredible. He was in the Army, so they moved around a lot but Christmas was the one holiday he never let go by without a huge celebration. We would decorate their tree shortly after Thanksgiving and then it was go time. We would bake cookies for weeks, decorate like crazy, watch all kinds of Christmas specials, and sing ridiculous Christmas songs. Christmas was his favorite holiday and it quickly became ours too. No one celebrated Christmas the way my grandpa did and he made sure each of his grandchildren felt special, something that was not an easy feat because there were SO many of us. However, we each got individual attention and we loved it. We soaked in our grandpa time and cherished those moments.

I'll never forget getting the phone call that changed our world. On December 10, 1994, my mom got a phone call saying she needed to get to the hospital. We were rushed to my aunt's and hours later, when my parents came back to get us, my mom told us he was gone. That was the first funeral I ever really remember attending and I cried throughout the whole thing. I remember telling myself I had to be strong for my mom and not let her see me cry but I couldn't help it. I just couldn't imagine what life was going to be like without him.

I was 10 years old and already my world was shaken and turned upside down. That first Christmas without him, just weeks later, hurt. A year later, the pain was still fresh. Christmas to this day, 17 years later, still isn't the same without him. My mom has tried. Every year she says to us, "This will be the year I go all out again," and then, when it comes time to pull the decorations out, she just can't do it. We still decorate and we still celebrate Christmas, but it will never hold the same feeling. Christmas lost some of it's magic when we lost this special man.

I may be 27 years old now, but I still sleep with the teddy bear he gave me just before he died. We had had a mini family celebration early and he had given each of us grandkids something special to have before Christmas. Mine was a teddy bear wearing a red suit and a striped hat. I never expected the night he gave it to me that it would be the last night we saw him alive or the last gift I would ever get from him. It doesn't matter how old I get, that teddy bear will always hold a special place in my heart. It has seen me through many tear filled nights, broken hearts, fights with my parents and my sister, and all the joyous occasions such as getting into college, giving my heart to the Lord, and secrets told to best friends. I even took it with me to college, something my friends made fun of me for, but something that made me content because when I was homesick, I would hug it and cry into it, and feel peace that I couldn't otherwise feel.

So the pain may fade, but the memories never do. I still miss him, everyday, but Christmas is the hardest time of year. My mom and I spent today curled up in our memories on the couch before I had the distraction of baby-sitting to keep me occupied. Now, with the kids in bed, he's on my mind. I wish he could see how far we've come. I wish he could see how much my mom grew and how strong she became when she made the choice to leave my abusive father. I wish he could see how amazing of a mom my sister is and meet his amazing great-grandchildren. I wish he could see the woman I've become and feel proud of the accomplishments I've gained. I wish he had had the chance to meet Glenn and know how well he's taking care of our family and how loves us as his own. I think he would be proud of where we are now and how well we're doing.

I miss him. So much. It may have been 17 years, but this time of year it still hurts. I love you grandpa. Save a place for me in Heaven. I'll be there soon.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbsBUf9VKyc&ob=av2e

Save A Place For Me
Matthew West

Don't be mad
If I cry
It just hurts so bad, sometimes
'Cause everyday it's sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again
You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world off your shoulders now
I'm dreaming of the day when I'm finally there with you

(Chorus)
Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon

I have asked the questions why
But I guess the answers for another time
So instead I pray, with every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here

(Chorus)

I wanna live my life Just like you did
Make the most of my time Just like you did
And I want to make my home up in the sky Just like you did
Oh, but until I get there...
Until I get there...

(Chorus)

I want to write but...

2011-12-04T15:44:00.000-05:00

I want to update. I do. I even keep opening up my web browser and then...nothing. I have so much I want to say, and no actual motivation to do it. So much has been going on, both good and bad, but for whatever reason, I'm just soaking in what's happening and finding it hard to get the words out.

That's not necessarily a bad thing, especially as I soak in all the good moments. I miss writing but lately I just haven't felt up to it. Life is floating by lately and I just haven't felt up to recording it. My camera has even been hiding out in my purse lately. Typically when we go places it's glued to my hand but even that has been too much.

I go between being completely content where I am right now and feeling ungrateful for where God has me. It's been trial and error but I'm learning. I know that's something I'll struggle with my entire life. It helps that lately I've been able to share a lot of how I'm feeling with one of my guy friends. I even told him last week at dinner that it helps to know he's normal and that his family is far from perfect. I sometimes struggle with the idea that no one could possibly understand what goes through my head and my heart and then God brings along the perfect person at the perfect time to show me that I'm wrong.

I don't know. I have so much I know I need to update on, such as school and Haiti and my family and my thoughts on my future and how I'm growing in the Lord but today, I just don't have the energy for it. I can't help but wonder if this rain is playing into it. I feel like it's been forever since I've seen sun. At this rate, it's going to be a long winter. *sigh*

Happy Thanksgiving!

2011-11-24T09:12:00.000-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I can't believe it's time for the holiday season already! Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays because I get to spend it with my extended family and because the day after Thanksgiving, Cincinnati does it's big tree lighting ceremony on Fountain Square, which really kicks off the holidays here. :-)

This year I am especially grateful for a God who loves me, despite my flaws and imperfections. I am also grateful for an amazing family and friends and a church family who pushes me to grow. I am very blessed and it shouldn't take a holiday for me to remember that.

I'm kicking off the holiday in our traditional fashion of watching the Macy's Parade! I don't EVER move away from the tv until Santa comes through at the end, something my mom makes fun of me for. I told her that it doesn't matter how old I get, that I'll never be too old for Santa and the Macy's Parade. After the parade we're headed to my aunt's for dinner and this year my best friend is joining us because she has to work tomorrow so she couldn't head home for the holiday this year. It'll be a nice treat to have her with us. :-)

Alright, off to watch the parade! Happy Thanksgiving all!

Exciting happenings

2011-11-06T15:59:00.001-05:00

To say it's been a rough week emotionally would be an understatement. I have been a mess this week. I finally reached a point on Friday where I realized that most of my issue was coming from the fact that I KNOW that God is about to do something big in my life and I can feel Satan poking at me and trying to break down my level of faith. It felt like I was taking one blow after another this week until I decided last night that I wasn't going to do it anymore, that I was going to focus on the good and the promises that God has given me and not let Satan win.

Well, that lasted all of about 14 hours until I woke up this morning and got into it with my mom. My mom and I are very close and it's few and far between that we get into an argument but it came to blows today (for reasons I don't want to talk about) and I left the house for church in tears. I got to church and my sister had seen my facebook status and called me and I ended up standing outside of church for about 10 minutes just in tears. I have never been so grateful for one of my guy friends as I was for Evan this morning. He was walking into church as I was outside on the phone and when he saw me crying, he immediately came over and put his arms around me and just held me as I cried.

After church I went to lunch with my group of guy friends who managed to distract me by making me laugh and just being ridiculous, which was just what I needed. Evan and I are going to hang out later tonight since I'm off from my internship tomorrow and he's going to let me vent, something I seriously need to do. He's been praying for me since Thursday when I text him in meltdown mode and he's been worried about me ever since.

I hate these moments. I hate the moments when I know God is about to do something big and Satan attacks. It's when I become most vulnerable and I want to give in and let my feelings and emotions take over and win, something I know I can't do. If Satan is already attacking this early into the decisions I've made, then I can just sense what's going to happen the closer to summer we get. Argh!

So...the exciting happenings, since clearly none of my emotional meltdown is exciting. haha As I've mentioned several times in the past, I was praying about going to Haiti. I went to an informational meeting last week after service and really felt like God was calling me to go, even though at that point I was still fighting it. I've been fighting this call since Seth first announced he wanted to take the youth to Haiti this summer and asked us adults to also pray about going. I kept telling God "No way! There is NO WAY I'm going overseas, to another country, out of my comfort zone. Besides, I'm so picky, what am I going to eat in Haiti for 10 days?!" Oh yes...this was the argument I had with God. I was more worried about food then going and doing God's work. :-P

Well, this week, I've spent a lot of time praying about it and researching vaccines, passports, etc. and finally made the decision that I was going to listen to God's call and go. The final decision honestly came down to the timing of the vaccines. For the hepatitis series, you have to have six months between the first and last shots, something I was unsure I could do because I won't be able to afford any of these until January. Well, guess what? It just so happens that if I go the first or second week of January and get the first round of the shots, I'll be good to go to have them all in before the end of July when we would leave for Haiti.

Then, I went to Crossroads last night (that's a long story in itself....I haven't been there in about six weeks and only went because I was hanging out with Adge and Dan) and they did a sermon on serving and having a servant's heart. They showed these videos of people who have been called to just give of themselves because they have so much already and I teared up. I could feel God telling me, "Heather, you already have so much. Why won't you put my people over your selfish insecurities?" Wow. Then, today, I was in service at my own church and we had missionaries from Paraguay visiting who spoke on the mission work they're doing and the woman said something that just stuck with me. She told us that even in the midst of our weakness and uncertainty, God uses us. She said that we shouldn't let our fears and weaknesses hold us back because God is going to use those for good.

Between those two messages and then the incredible worship at both churches filled with songs like "Give Me Your Eyes" by Brandon Heath and "I Will Follow" by Chris Tomlin, I knew God was confirming that He wants me in Haiti for 10 days this summer. Yes, I am still terrified and yes I am still uncertain, but I know God is going to use those feelings for good and I'm trusting that He's leading me right where He wants me.

Then, on top of that, Megan and I are planning a girl's overnight in early February sometime. We have some concerns over where our girls' hearts are and so we're doing a night revolved around the idea of purity and our identity as girls in Christ. Megan's working on the main message and I'm creating a devotional that's going to be wrapped around music, an idea I came up with after driving to work on Friday morning and listening to the song "More Beautiful You" by Johnny Diaz on repeat. I love to write and I could feel God calling me to use several songs and creating devotionals to go along with them that the girls could take home after our all nighter, that they could pray through and study from. I'm also going to give them cds with the songs on them so they can listen to them when they need reminders of God's promises.

God is doing so much good in my life right now and using me to reach out to others that I hate that I've been going through so much emotional turmoil this week. I know that this is because I'm letting myself become vulnerable and open to the idea of surrendering myself and doing God's work. He has me right where He wants me and Satan is trying to bring me down. I refuse to let it happen. I'm thankful for the friends that have been there, reminding me of God's promises and allowing me to cry and express myself and reminding me that I'm going to be okay.

Even in the midst of some of the pain this week, I feel joyful because I have finally allowed God to take over and take me where He wants me. I never would have expected that I'd be going to Haiti this summer or writing a devotional for teen girls but that's exactly what God has me doing. I'm so excited for once to actually branch out of my comfort zone and get out of my bubble. I just need to keep reminding myself that this is God's plan and not mine and to NOT run from it when things start to get tough. I'm ready. Bring on the next eight months!

Happily content

2011-10-29T16:29:00.002-04:00

If you had asked me a couple of months ago if I would be in this spot right now, content even though so much of my future is uncertain, I probably would have laughed at you. But that's exactly where I am. So much of the future is uncertain, especially with the job market being the way that it is, but I am trusting that God has a plan and knows exactly what He is doing.

I guess I should start with an update about my sister. She finally had her baby at exactly 11:00 p.m. on the dot on Friday night, October 21st. Daniel weighed in at five pounds, fifteen ounces, and twenty inches long. She ended up having to have a c-section after 26 very long and hard hours of labor. She stalled out at 4 cm dilated and about 80 percent effaced and just didn't go anywhere for hours. It took a shift change at seven on Friday night for the next OB on call to tell my sister that she was giving her two more hours to fully dilate and then she was doing a c-section, which is what ended up happening. It turns out Daniel's head was crooked which is why my sister stalled out at 4 cm. Daniel just couldn't drop any further with his head being crooked. That also explains the low blood flow to the umbillical cord.

Thankfully, both mommy and baby are doing well and got to go home on Monday. Now my sister is trying to adjust to being a mommy to four (three of her own and a stepdaughter) and trying to recover from her c-section. Daniel is doing well and is completely adorable. I'll share pictures soon or you can go over to my facebook to see them. If we're not friends on facebook, let me know and we can change that!

So what's going on with me since it's been awhile since I've done a real update? Well, I'm busy with school and work and interning. My internship in the school counseling office at the junior high is going SO well. My advisor is coming in this Wednesday to talk to my site supervisor and to observe me, something I'm both excited and nervous for. I think things are going well and I've been picking up more responsibility but I still feel like at times that I sit around twiddling my thumbs waiting for Nicole to give me something to do. I know it's hard on her too, though, because we share an office and I don't have a computer or a phone so it makes it hard for her to give me stuff to do when mornings are usually spent for her returning emails and phone calls.

Overall, though, my internship is going well. I've been meeting one on one a lot lately with students and getting to interact with teachers and parents. There isn't a day that goes by that I'm not doing conflict resolution and dealing with meltdowns from the students. Nicole and I laugh together a lot, something that I'm learning in this job is necessary because it gets some of our stress and frustration out. Plus, you can't just NOT laugh at some of the things the kids tell you or the principals. I leave the junior high on the days I'm there feeling so fulfilled and I know this is exactly what I'm meant to do.

My relationships, both friends and romantic interests, have been bumpy lately. Many of us are under stress and dealing with life changes and it's becoming hard to keep ourselves in orbit with each other. I had a meltdown on Seth (our youth leader) the other night and he gave me some very valuable advice. Now, how to act on it is another story. I think starting with lunch tomorrow is the right step. I'm praying that God will give me the right words to say and to allow my heart to be open and vulnerable.

My dating life has cooled significantly. And by significantly I mean it is non-existent right now, which I'm surprisingly okay with. I think with so much going on in my life right now that I think dating would be difficult because I just don't have the time to commit to it. I do miss him, but I think honestly I just miss our friendship, which also feels as if it has cooled down a lot lately. I know God has a plan though and I am trusting that it is greater than what I can see.

I have been spending a lot more time with my guy friends again, something I missed while I was in a relationship. They jokingly asked me one Sunday at lunch if I had joined the land of the living again. haha I know there are people who think when you're in a relationship that friendships of the opposite sex have to cool but after a lot of thought I don't agree with that at all. I tend to be friends with guys over girls and my guy friends bring so much joy and laughter to my life. For whatever reason, it's easier to be myself with them and to not have to worry what their intentions are. I don't know. I wish I could explain it but I can't. I decided that whoever I end up with in the future is going to have to be okay with these friendships because they're not going anywhere anytime soon.

I'm trying to figure out my financial life, which is something big in my life lately. Denise, my running partner, bought me this book called The Money Book for the Young, Fabulous, and Broke by Suze Orman for my birthday to read, along with The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey that I bought a couple of months back. I would love to try and pay off a lot of my credit card debt before I graduate in June but it seems like everytime I have some kind of stable hold to put more money towards my cards, something else comes up, like my work bouncing my paycheck...again. This time, it wasn't their fault, but it still has made me behind this month.

My goal is to get myself on a budget and to start following it. That means telling people no, not eating out as often as I have been this quarter, and no impulse spending! My major goal other than paying off my credit cards is to start tithing at church again. I haven't tithed in months, something that makes me sad. I feel like if I can learn to start being faithful and trusting when I give that money, then things will eventually balance out. But since I have such a hard time trusting, it makes it hard for me to want to tithe. How do all of you do it? I know some of you also follow a budget and sometimes pinch corners a lot. How do you make tithing your priority when you have living expenses you need to pay for?

The only other big news in my life is that I'm still praying about going to Haiti. We have an informational meeting tomorrow after service that I'm going to go to. I still can't decide if I'm feeling called or not, nor do I know if I can afford the vaccinations because my student health insurance doesn't cover them. I need to make a decision, and soon, because I'm going to have to start the vaccination process, the passport process, and writing support letters.

Oh...and I'm going to the Bahamas for spring break! Adge and I decided since it's my last spring break as a student and she's never been on a spring break that we're throwing caution to the wind and going on a cruise. I know this goes against my whole money plan but we're on a payment plan for the trip and it's actually not too expensive. We've put a deposit down and booked our flights so now we're working on paying off the trip. In fact, I may run out to AAA this week to make a payment towards it. I don't know why I didn't think about that before. I was just going to pay the rest of it in January but I should go in every two weeks when I get paid and make a payment. Hmm...

Anyway, I think that about does it. I need to go take a shower and do some homework. I slept until 1:30 today, something my body needed because I was still recovering from spending all last week at the hospital with my mom for her surgery and my sister for her labor and delivery. Now I need to play catch up on school work. :-P

Hope you all are doing well! I've missed all of you! I've been reading but not commenting so if you see me creeping, that's why. I plan to try and get back here more often. :-)

Almost baby time!

2011-10-21T02:54:00.000-04:00

So much has happened since my last update. It's currently 2:46 a.m. and I'm sitting in a labor and delivery room with my sister and my mom. My sister is being induced because the baby was measuring small and after an ultrasound today (yesterday??), the doctors saw that there was low amniotic fluid and low blood flow to the umbillical cord.

They decided to be safe to induce her so we've been here at the hospital since 8. They started her on cervadil around 10ish to start getting her cervix to soften because she wasn't dilated at all. At last check she's till only a quarter of a centimeter dilated. I've been up for about 21 hours now, so I think it's safe to say I'm not going to work in five hours. In fact, I don't intend to leave this hospital until we have a baby!

Doctors are hoping to not have to give her petocin until about 10 a.m. but right now we don't think she's dilating at all. She's having moderate to intense contractions, mainly in her back, but not enough to do anything right now. We're trying to convince her to take some pain meds to relax so she can sleep but she refuses until the epidural later on down the line. She also tested positive for Group B Strep so the doctor's are giving her penicillin via IV so it's not transmitted to the baby during delivery.

That's it on the baby front. We're all kind of hanging in there. I told my sister of course she couldn't go into labor a day early so the baby and I could share the same birthday. :-P However, we're kind of concerned because she's three weeks early so none of us were really expecting this. Hopefully everything goes smooth when it comes time to deliver.

I feel the worst for my mom who just had surgery two days ago. She had a hysterectomy done but had it done vaginally so she's not really sore, just uncomfortable. She's slow going because she's uncomfortable but she refuses to leave because she wants to be here with my sister. I refuse to leave even though I'm exhausted because I missed this with Logan and Savannah so I refuse to miss it with Daniel. I'm trying to be as comfortable as possible. I'm sitting in a rocking chair with my feet propped on a stool. So far-no sleep. :-P

Okay, we just turned the lights out in the room so I think we're all going to try and get some rest. Send some positive baby vibes our way, along with prayers. I know my sister would really appreciate them.

Time for a change

2011-10-12T23:39:00.000-04:00

I still have soooo much to update on and I'm hoping this weekend will give me the chance to do so. For now, I'm writing an entry pretty much for myself and hopefully a little accountability.

Since summer, pretty much since I went to Denver and ate out like every night I was there for two weeks, my good eating and working out habits have gone down the drain. As soon as I got home from Denver, classes started and it was go go go from the beginning of July until now. I'd noticed that my pants were getting snug but attributed it to being bloated at one point. Well...it's not. I got on the scale Monday night at the gym and I've put on 15 pounds since the end of June. This is ridiculous.

I worked so hard to get myself to the point that I was at earlier this summer that I'm disgusted that I let myself put 15 pounds back on. I think the bad eating and lack of exercise has also been leading to my exhaustion, migraines, and overall gross feelings. I feel like I'm losing my sanity too because the gym is my happy place and I've been so tired lately I just can't make myself go.

Well, I'm turning a new leaf this week. I went to the gym Monday night and pushed myself harder than I've pushed myself since earlier in the summer and I felt amazing when I was done. I went grocery shopping last night and bought stuff to make lunches for work, to cook dinner at home, and some healthier snack choices for the evenings. I'm also trying to curb my pop/caffeine addiction and have only lately been allowing myself one in the mornings on my way to work/internship and on an extremely rough day, one halfway through the day. I had half a glass at dinner tonight but only because I could feel my head starting to hurt and wanted to curb it so I didn't have to drive home with a migraine and headlights irritating me.

My time at the gym is my happy time. It's the one time of the day I can let go of everything and just relax and destress. I was working out on Monday and Wednesday evenings at 9 with my running partner but lately, I've just been so exhausted from interning and then going to class that waiting until 9 to workout is causing me to lose motivation. I told my mom that for now, I'm going to have to let go of that scheduled time and just go on my way home around 7ish so I can be in bed by 10. I can't function anymore on six or less hours of sleep.

I know Denise will understand because she's done the grad school route but I'm going to miss her. She's been my reason for working out for two years now and it's such good motivation to know she's waiting for me. I know she can't do earlier times because she's married with kids but for now, this is what I need to do for me. I need to be able to workout and late nights just aren't cutting it for me right now.

Okay...speaking of late nights...I need sleep. I'm not even sure how much of this made sense. My mind is in a million places right now. Or...just one...Denver. More to come on that later. Suffice it to say, every time I'm in the car, I keep thinking of that drive west and how much my heart wants to be in Denver. It doesn't help that Mike has taught me the beauty of Skype and so now our Sunday night date nights are most likely going to be Skype dates. It was so nice to be able to see each other while we talked Sunday. It made the distance seem not so far away.

*sigh* I really, really miss Denver. And I really, really need sleep.

Too much

2011-10-08T22:13:00.000-04:00

I swear I'm alive. I have a huge outline in a word document of all the things I want/need to update about but right now, my life is consumed by school, work, and interning. I'm scaling back in other areas (including my church involvement) until this quarter is over because I just have too much on my plate right now.

Right now, I'm staring at my internship learning plan that I feel like should be a piece of cake but instead is making me draw a blank.

Ahhhhhh....eight more weeks to go until the quarter is over. Oh...and I decided against retaking my big comprehensive exam this month. I just haven't had time to study and if I were to take it in a couple of weeks, I'd fail again. Instead, I'm going to take it in February because I'll have all of winter break to study and a little less responsibility class wise in the winter so I'll be able to devote my attention to studying.

Ok, the kiddos I'm baby-sitting are asleep so I really should get back to this assignment. How many more months until graduation? :-/

No motivation

2011-09-25T01:05:00.001-04:00

I don't know what my deal is lately but I have no motivation for anything: no motivation for running, work, interning, nothing. This is bad because we're going into week two of the quarter and I already don't want to do school work. I'm taking the comps in five weeks and I have no motivation to study, even though I HAVE to pass this time around.

I feel like all I've wanted to do lately is sleep. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I've been pulling anywhere from 10-12 hour days the three days a week I've been working. I know this was what I originally wanted but it's draining me. By the end of those days, I have no energy for anything. The two days a week I intern, I go straight to class after which is also exhausting. I know this is all going to be worth it and in nine months when I hold that degree in my hand I'll be glad I did it but man, right now it's just too much. I secretly sometimes wish I could quit my job and just focus on school but we all know that's not happening anytime soon.

I've had a lot on my mind about a lot of things and I can sense that God's about to open and close some doors in my life. I can't figure out exactly which doors are about to open and close but I know it's about to happen. We've been doing a new series at Crossroads on friendship and the last couple of weeks have been convicting me in a lot of ways. I think that's why I feel so out of sorts lately. I know God is about to do something big. I just don't know what it is.

I miss running but I don't even have the motivation for that. Today was the Race for the Cure, which was supposed to be my second race of the season and that clearly did not happen. I need to get myself back on track. I've put on a good ten pounds lately and I need to get back to the gym not only to run, but to be healthy. I need to start making some better eating choices, drinking more water, and working out again. I think that's part of why I feel so out of sorts. I feel a lot better about myself after I've been to the gym and had a good workout.

Denver has been on my mind a lot today. I feel like I've fallen out of touch with Mike, who I consider one of my best friends. I can't remember the last time we had a long conversation. We talked two weeks ago but it felt awkward. I don't know. I was looking through pictures tonight and they make me miss Denver a lot. I miss my friends and the beauty of the area and the part of me I leave behind every time I come home. I'm still tossing around the idea of flying out to take the boards. It's just a matter of trying to figure out when and how to make it happen.

Honestly, I know what's holding me back and I wish I could figure out where that particular situation stands. But, I know I need to take it slow and day by day. Baby steps. After tonight at Crossroads, I know that where things are right now are exactly where they're supposed to be, but a bigger part of me wants to rush things, even though I know that's not good either.

I'm just so...overwhelmed and confused and torn right now. I just can't make sense of anything. I don't even know where I'm going writing this. I think I just needed to clear my head. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel better. Or...I don't know. One day at a time...

Why I love my job...

2011-09-22T22:02:00.001-04:00

I know I have a ton to update on but tonight I leave you four year old humor because my kids at work are hilarious! And just as an understanding... X is one of our four year old students and I know for a fact his dad doesn't live in Mexico because his dad is our maintenance man at work. When I told him this story, he just shook his head and laughed. It was definitely the highlight of my day!

Me pointing to Cincinnati on a map: We live right here!

X pointing to Mexico: My daddy lives here!

Me: X, your daddy does not live in Mexico. He lives here.

X: That's okay. We're going to move here! *points to South Dakota*

Me: X, you know it snows a lot in South Dakota right?

X: We like snow! Oh and you know what Miss Heather?

Me: What?

X: You can't go to Las Vegas.

Me: Why not? (We had never talked about Vegas so this came out of nowhere!)

X: Because the monster in Las Vegas will eat you!

When I told our maintenance man this story about his son, he asked me if I had pointed to Vegas on a map and I said no. Then he asked me if I was planning a trip to Vegas and I said "Well, now I'm not because there's apparently a monster that's going to eat me!"

I love my job. :-)

Interesting twist...

2011-09-11T23:30:00.000-04:00

I can't believe it's been ten years since the attacks on our nation. I still clearly remember that day. I was a junior in high school, sitting in my third period Economics class when another student ran into the room and yelled at the teacher to turn on the television. We watched in horror as the second plane hit the second tower and then in devastation and disbelief as both towers collapsed. For the rest of the day, every class had us watching history unfold and I remember going home that night and being glued to the television.

Today, ten years later, I got to be part of an incredible and surreal moment at lunch as all of Bdubs went silent right before the Bengals game as they spread out an American flag over the entire field. When they started singing the national anthem on television, people in Bdubs started singing along, myself included. It gave me goosebumps just to be part of such an incredible experience. We'll never see a moment like that again where an entire restaurant goes silent and begins to sing the national anthem together. Wow.

In an interesting and perhaps God-driven turn of events, my long weekend in Denver in November is not going to happen. For whatever reason, as I was driving to my aunt's today, I remembered why that date was ringing a bell in my head. It's fall retreat weekend, a weekend I committed to months ago with my youth kids. I'm not backing out. It's my favorite weekend of the entire year to be a youth sponsor.

And of course, none of the other dates are panning out either. Coincidence? I don't think so. God-driven? Absolutely. Why do I think so? Because today at church I got presented with an incredible opportunity to go overseas with my youth kids to Haiti next summer on a mission trip. It had been mentioned awhile back, but Seth hadn't narrowed anything down and was unsure of where we were going to go. Now he's decided we're going to Haiti and it's just a matter of pinning down the exact dates in either June or July.

I don't have to make a decision until about March but I'm going to start praying about it now because if I'm going, I need to get a passport, start raising money, figure out what shots are needed, etc. I think it's funny that this came up today because my mom and I were just discussing last night that with all the traveling I do, that I should get a passport. Again...coincidence? I think not!

So right now I'm praying like crazy and I'm asking that you all pray with me. I don't know yet if I'm feeling completely called to go but it would be such an amazing once in a lifetime opportunity. I don't have anything tying me down and since I'll most likely still be at the preschool through at least the end of next summer, I'll be able to get those two weeks off of work with no problems.

Check out the website of Northwest Haiti Christian Mission at: http://www.nwhcm.org/ for more information on what could be an incredible experience for me. I'm so excited to see what doors God is going to open up in the next year!

To go or not to go...

2011-09-07T13:59:00.000-04:00

Long weekend in Denver to take the boards in November. To go or not to go? The question is...was the idea of moving to Denver ever really gone in the first place or is this my flight instinct kicking in because of the past few days?

I've been sitting here crunching numbers since I've had nothing better to do because I was home from my internship today with an awful migraine this morning. I just...I don't know. We all know my connection to Denver. Now the question is: what are my reasons for wanting to do it?

I don't need to make an official decision until sometime in October when I have to register for the exam. It's a lot to think about but I haven't been able to get it out of my mind since two weeks ago when my relocation guide to Denver came that I sent for months ago while I was still in Denver.

*sigh* Sometimes, it really sucks to be an adult and have to make such big decisions.

The end

2011-09-04T23:02:00.003-04:00

We broke up tonight. I'm a mess. All I've done is cry and yell since he dropped me off at 8:30. My heart hurts so much because I never saw this coming.

"What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do"

Busy, busy, busy

2011-08-31T21:54:00.000-04:00

Since tomorrow is September, I figured I'm about due for an update. I can't believe I've let most of August get away from me before I've had a chance to update. This will probably be long(ish) so ready yourself. Who knows how long it'll be before I update again. :-P

I made bullets to myself in a word document to remind myself of what I had to update on so here goes nothing.

--Surprise date at the Spaghetti Factory
Two nights before Dan and I made things official between us, he surprised me and took me on a date, without telling me where we were going. All I knew was that he was taking me out to celebrate being done with the comps and that based on what he told Megan, she said it had proved he really listened to what I had been telling him. The evening of the comps, we went to church as usual and then he drove me in circles to confuse me before we ended up at the Spaghetti Factory, which everyone knows is my favorite restaurant. We had an amazing dinner and amazing conversation before ending the evening by playing putt-putt. I had a feeling over dinner that we were on an official "date" but I didn't want to get my hopes up. Imagine my surprise when two nights later we were officially a couple. :-)

--Double date at the Keith Urban concert
Later that week, we went on our first double date with Megan and James to the Jake Owen and Keith Urban concert. It was AMAZING! I hadn't seen Keith Urban live since high school, right before he became a big name. We went to dinner at Dewey's and then walked across the river to the concert. It was the perfect first double date and I look forward to many, many more in our future. I'll spare you all the mushy details from that night. ;-)

--Meeting the parents
The following week, I met his parents for the first time. Let me tell you, I was a mess that day! We went to dinner at Pizza Tower, which was so yummy! As soon as we got there, his mom gave me a big hug and told me how much she'd heard about me and how much she had been looking forward to meeting me. By the end of dinner, I was fully relaxed. His parents are incredible and I can definitely see where he gets his good manners from. His parents raised an amazing son. :-)

--Date night at Chili's and running into former students/parents
The night after we had dinner with his parents, we went on a date night, just the two of us. Right before our food came to the table, one of my former students and his parents came in. I bolted from the table and tackled Katie, who was holding Dominic. Of course Katie and I are friends on facebook so she had seen my relationship status change and she cracked me up when she told me "Do you know how hard it is for me to not turn around and stare right now?!" I love her. Dinner was amazing and we had so much fun just talking and laughing. I had had such a bad day that day and had worked a double (unplanned) so I was exhausted and grateful that he put up with my cranky, tired self that night.

--Failing my comps
Yeah...you read that right. I failed my comprehensive exam to graduate from the counseling program. How badly? Oh by five points. Do you know how disappointing it is to come so close and miss by so slim of a margin?? I'm retaking it at the end of October and praying like crazy I pass this time around. If I don't, I have to petition to write a thesis and UC doesn't have to grant me that right. If I fail the comps and don't get to write a thesis, I can be kicked out of the program. Talk about stress....

--Double date at Newport
A couple of weeks ago, we went on a double date with Adge and Joe to Bar Louie down at Newport. Dinner was delicious and then we went for a romantic walk on the river. Of course, being the goofs we are, we ruined our own romantic moment by cracking up at a sign about sewage waste and then taking a goofy picture next to it. However, even with the silliniess, it was probably one of my favorite dates that we've been on. I'm so glad he gets along with my best friend and there was no better way to spend a Friday night than on the river. I loved it.

--5k and roller skating
On August 20th, I ran the Panther Prowl, which most of you probably remember as my very first 5k ever last summer. Let me tell you, it was INCREDIBLE! I hadn't really trained this summer and I thought for sure I was going to end up walking most of it. Well, I did walk some of it, but Denise kept pushing me harder and harder and before I knew it, I was crossing the finish line at 46 minutes! Not only had I cut six minutes off of last year's time, but I also set a personal record because it's the BEST 5k time I've ever had. What made it even more special was that Dan also ran it, though he ran ahead of me and finished in 30 minutes. It was his first 5k and I was soooo proud of him!

After the 5k, I went home and crashed for a couple of hours before getting up to take my youth girls roller skating. I thought for sure I would be the first one to fall, but surprisingly, I didn't fall at all. I had so much skating and hanging out with the girls and then hanging out by Caitlin's pool with the girls while eating pizza.

So what's been going on since the Saturday of the 5k? Not a whole lot. I've been spending a lot of time with Dan, which is always nice. I've come to care about him a lot and he can always make me smile on a night when I just don't feel like smiling. He is just absolutely amazing in every way. We had a rough patch this past weekend but we worked through it and now we're better than ever. Oh and he met my parents this past weekend as well. It went so well and now I'm looking forward to us moving forward and being able to focus on us, without the awkwardness of that early dating stage in front of us anymore.

I threw my sister a baby shower and well, I won't go into the drama that went down that night because it's a very complicated situation. After the shower, I went down to the river with Vince, who was in town visiting. We sat on the river for two and a half hours just talking and laughing and catching up. We fell apart this summer for various reasons so it was so nice to be able to just hang out, just the two of us and catch up. I'm already looking forward to my weekend in Athens at the end of September because I already miss him like crazy.

I started my internship this week and I'm already loving it. I can already tell that junior high is going to be my favorite age group to work with in the schools. I feel like I've learned more this week than I did in the ten weeks of my practicum at the elementary school. Being there feels so right and makes me excited about my future. It just confirms that school counseling is what I want to do with my future and I hate the idea of going back to work tomorrow to a job that stresses me out so much. I just keep telling myself that I only have a year left and that hopefully next year I will be in my own office, in a real school setting, doing what I love to do.

And there you have it. I think that's it for my massive updates for now. I was home sick yesterday and I still have a cough developing so I think I'm going to call it an early night and go to bed. Until next time...

Way overdue

2011-08-17T23:44:00.000-04:00

I am way overdue for an update. A lot of things have been going on, many the same old, same old, but there have been some exciting changes. I don't feel like typing a lot but I figure I'll at least update since it's been like two weeks since I last updated.

Summer quarter is almost over. I finished up my independent study on Monday, which ended up being 22 pages total after the appendices and then tonight I finished my Ethics paper which was four pages. The only thing left for summer quarter now is my in class, open book final on the 29th and then summer quarter is over.

My internship is supposed to start next week but I haven't heard back from my site supervisor and with my class schedule changing, I'm thinking I just may wait and start during the second week of school on the 29th. We'll see. I'm going to send off yet another email to my supervisor tomorrow and if I don't hear from her, my next step will be actually having to call the school.

I mentioned briefly in my last entry that I had met someone. Well, technically I can't say I met someone because we've actually known each other since high school. We fell out of touch in college, reconnected through facebook, and then started going to church together a few weeks ago. One thing led to another and we were hanging out and texting all the time and before either one of us knew it, we had made things official between us last Monday.

It still amazes me looking back over the last month or so how quickly everything happened but words can't even describe how happy I am right now. He is just absolutely incredible and I have been loving every minute that we spend together. I've had a couple of rough days this week and he has put up with me whining and complaining about work, a habit I'm really trying to break. I love how patient he is with me when I do have a rough day and how encouraging he is when I don't want to study or do homework.

I just...I don't even know. Words can't even begin to describe how special I think he is and how much I'm praying this out and looking forward to wherever God is going to take us. I never expected this or saw it coming. I had reached a point where I had told God I was done looking and I was done dating and that He was going to have to drop someone in my lap and well, that's pretty much how it worked out. I haven't been able to stop smiling in weeks and I love getting simple text messages that let me know he's thinking about me. My coworkers and my friends think I'm hilarious because I'm so giddy all the time and I'm constantly smiling. I love it. :-)

I'm running a 5k on Saturday, which will be the anniversary (the 5k, not the actual date) of my first 5k at this time last summer! It's so crazy to think about where I was a year ago and where I am now. I've already started looking at setting up my training schedule to run the half at the Pig again in May. I know that this 5k isn't going to be pretty because I haven't really been running this summer but it's getting me back out there and that's all that matters. After this 5k the next one in the line up is the Race for the Cure in September!

That's really all that's going on with me right now. Work, school, my youth kids, running, and the boy (not necessarily in that order!) pretty much consume my life recently. Hopefully I'll be back to update again soon but with school starting back up and my internship starting, life is about to get crazy busy. I don't want to stay away too long though!

Short update

2011-08-05T11:34:00.000-04:00

I realized I haven't done a proper update in over a week. Today marks the 24 hour mark from the comps exam, the exam I've been spending the whole summer studying for. Or...attempting to study for. haha I'm going to be so glad when it's over.

So...what's been going on? Bullets for now, real updates later in the weekend.

--My summer class started. It doesn't seem too bad. Just a paper and a final.
--I need to start in on my independent study. That will be my goal once I'm done with this exam tomorrow.
--I met someone...yep, that's all you get. :-P
--Work bounced my paycheck...again. This is the third time this year it's happened. I'm done. No more excuses.
--I have a job interview this afternoon at UC. It's an on campus residential position where I would be working with first year, first generational college students. I feel like it's perfect for me because I have three years of Reslife experience from OU and then I worked at Lighthouse trying to advocate to get students back into school and work so I feel like I have the skills necessary for the job. It'll all depend on the salary and whether it'll be worth it to take the position. We'll see.

Okay...study time. This time tomorrow the exam will be almost over!

I. Am. Crazy.

2011-07-26T00:35:00.002-04:00

I've decided I'm officially crazy. Are you all ready for my announcement? I'm sure no one is going to be surprised (other than myself and even I'm not that surprised at what I've decided...)

I've decided I'm officially going to train for the 2012 Flying Pig Half Marathon. Again. I told myself after all of the health issues I've had over the summer with my psoriasis and what not that I wasn't going to train for anything big this year but let's face it...we all saw this coming. Running has gotten into my blood. I can't run away that easily. Ha! I just made a funny!

Anyway...so yes. Here is my announcement to the world. Time to keep me on track friends. Check in with me every couple of weeks and see how my running is coming. I'm going to do it right this time and actually cross train so I'll be doing other workouts other than just running. Maybe that will help my stamina. We'll see.

First goal of the training process: Little Miami Panther Prowl 5k on August 20th!! It'll be the anniversary of my first 5k (not the actual date, but just the race itself) so I'm pumped to run this one. Since I haven't run since the Pig, it'll be more of a walk/jog but that's okay. I can handle it. I'm just excited to get back out there.

I must have left what was left of my sanity at the finish line on May 1st. That's okay. I love running and I love the confidence it gives me so I say....bring it on! Flying Pig Half Marathon 2012 here I come!!

For now, it's bedtime. :-P

I will worship You

2011-07-24T23:27:00.000-04:00

I heard this song in church this morning and it gave me chills. I can not pick a more perfect song for this season in my life right now. Through the dark times, the good times, and the unsure times, I choose to worship the One who has given me life, the One who will never let me down and will never break my heart.

When I struggle to remember that I'm not alone and that God has brought me to this season in my life for a reason, this is the song I will come back to. Yes, the loneliness and uncertainty of the future hurt, but I know God has a purpose for everything and that He is never going to let me fall.

My biggest struggle is giving God my heart and letting Him lead my love story, trusting that He has a plan. I've had my heart broken so many times in the past that it's become easier to put a wall up and to not let anyone in. I learned tonight from my best friend, the person who has always been there and reminded me of God's promises, that it's okay to let others in, as long as I'm keeping God at the center of my life and my future love story. By keeping my heart in check and keeping God at the center, my heart won't be broken. His love is all I need.

I don't know what His plan for my future is. I don't know if He has a husband or kids in my future and I need to learn to be okay with that. His plan for my life is far greater than my own, even when it hurts. The loneliness hurts but through it, I've learned to grow and depend on the One who will always be there when everyone else falls away. This life isn't about me. It's about the Creator who gave me life, the One who leads me in everything I do.

Yes, I desire marriage and kids and a family and everything it entails but I need to trust God to work all of that out in His time. I have always been told that God will fulfill the desires of your heart, so long as you are following Him and trusting Him to work out His plan for your life. That's what I need to remember. I don't need to shut the world out and the hope of my own love story someday so long as I allow God to keep working in my life.

What an amazing reminder of His love and His promises this song gives. When I'm broken and scared and I feel like I can't possibly handle any more, I know He will always be there to pick up the pieces of my heart and my life. He will restore my soul and give me the strength I need. His love is all I need.

I Will Worship You
Aaron Gillepsie

When I’m losing,
When I’m broken
When I’m sinking like a stone
And it feels like I’m alone
I will worship You

When I’m so scared,
Life is unfair
When I’m tired and lose my way,
When I’m feeling so ashamed
I will worship You

You are the anchor to my soul,
Draw me to You and don’t let go
Only Your love can make me whole
Jesus, I worship You
Jesus, I worship You

When I’m dancing,
When I’m hopeful
When I’m feeling mercy’s hand
And I’m living life again
I will worship You

When chains are broken,
When healing is coming
When Your forgiveness floods my heart,
This is my brand new start
I will worship You

You are the anchor to my soul,
Draw me to You and don’t let go
Only Your love can make me whole
Jesus, I worship You
Jesus, I worship You

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, our God reigns

You are the anchor to my soul,
Draw me to You and don’t let go
Only Your love can make me whole
Jesus, I worship You
Jesus, I worship You
Jesus, I worship You

Food for thought

2011-07-12T22:29:00.000-04:00

I've had a lot on my mind recently in every aspect of my life and decided maybe blogging would be the best outlet for it. I encourage any and all feedback as long as it's respectful. I'm genuinely full of questions and am searching for answers and encouragement to try and answer them all. I'll start with the less serious stuff first and then move on to the deeper areas I've got questions about.

1. Finances
I am the worst money manager ever. I vow every year as part of my new year's resolutions that this is the year I will make a budget and stick to it and somehow I find myself living paycheck to paycheck or counting on my financial aid money. After this coming school year, I'm not going to have that to rely on any longer so I need to stop depending on it now. Yes, it's good to have it and stick it in savings incase something happens, but I can't keep counting that as part of my regular income.

With my plan to move to Denver next summer, I need to start to establish some sort of savings account and I need to pay off my credit cards. For those of you who take care of the family finances, what are your tips for staying on a budget, grocery shopping, paying bills, etc.? Do you use any kind of program to help you keep track or do you just use your checkbook? I'm all ears in this department because I've got nothing.

2. Cooking
I told my mom I want to teach myself to cook before I move to Denver next summer. As you all know, I'm the world's pickiest eater so quite honestly, my dinners a lot of times consist of switching off between peanut butter sandwiches, spaghetti with jar sauce, soup, tacos, and anything I can put in the oven/microwave. I love things like mashed potatoes and beef stew and even homemade spaghetti sauce but I have no idea where to even begin to make them myself. I also like burgers and steaks and what not but don't know the first thing about either grilling them or cooking them on the stove. Help! Recipes and tips are encouraged, especially for desserts! haha

3. Weight loss
Thanks to my psoriasis, I haven't been able to work out since the end of May. I have a gym bag packed and ready to go for tomorrow when I get off of work since I've been getting off early so I'm headed to do some cardio and strength training. What are some of your favorite workouts? What are tips for getting the weight off and keeping it off? If I could figure out how to cut the pop out of my diet I would be golden but the caffeine withdrawals are awful! I usually end up caving after about a day of no caffeiene. :-/ I drink a ton of water at work but I usually have some kind of caffeine either first thing in the morning or during my lunch break. If I could train my body to not need it, I know it would be so good for me. I just can't get my mind past the thought that I need caffeiene to survive when I know I really don't.

Realisitically, I'd love to lose three pounds a month, which seems to be pretty average but I'm just stuck at a plateau and can't get over it. I've actually put back on about 10 pounds since I wasn't able to work out and then eating all the time in Denver. I feel so uncomfortable in my body again and all of the smaller size jeans I bought now are too small again. I refuse to buy bigger pants so the weight is just going to have to come off. I just don't know where to start.

4. Spirituality
This is the big one for me. I actually think I'm going to save this entry for tomorrow or later in the week because I want to do some reading before I post the thoughts I'm having. As a teaser and a reminder, I want to remind myself to touch on the idea of three heavens, sexuality, sleeping vs. going to heaven, salvation/judgment day, etc. Yes, I have a reasoning for why I'm going to write about all of this but like I said, I want to do some reading before I post my thinking on these subjects and where they all came from.

I think that's it for right now. I promise a bigger entry on the spiritual issues later this week but any advice on the first three topics is very much welcomed because I need it, especially in the finance area. It's time for some big changes and a new adventure. I'm so ready!

We're not in Kansas anymore, Toto

2011-07-11T17:06:00.000-04:00

This past week has been ridiculously crazy and busy and the weekend ended up being much the same so I decided to wait until today to update since I knew I'd be getting off of work early. This will be pretty lengthy with big stuff scattered in the middle so you actually have to read it to find out the news. ;-)

My drive home from Colorado was...entertaining and emotional. I broke down in tears as soon as I pulled out of the driveway of the boy's house and it took me about 20 minutes to actually get myself under control. I would be good for a couple of hours and then the tears would start again. Leaving Denver broke my heart in half. I didn't expect it to hurt so much but it did.

When I wasn't crying, well, I was getting lost. haha...Typical of course. For anyone who has never driven across the country let me inform you of one thing: there is NOTHING in Kansas. For miles. NOTHING! I was just under a half of a tank of gas at one point and thought for sure I'd be fine for awhile. Oh no...it emptied out quicker than I expected and of course there are no convenient gas stations anywhere in the distance. I had to recalculate my gps to find me the closest gas station and I went on an off highway adventure that took me a good 20 minutes out of my way just to find gas. Once I found it, I found myself driving through small town America, which literally was so tiny they didn't even have need for a traffic light. Oh yes, I'm so serious. People sitting on their front porches were STARING at me and my Ohio license plates as I drove towards the gas station. And of course I have no cell phone reception because I'm in the middle of nowhere so I had to wait an HOUR before I could call my mom and call Mike and tell them about my adventure. It was so ridiculous but so entertaining. Definitely a story I'll have to tell for years.

I have been an emotional wreck in the week since I've been home. I miss my Denver family so much, even though I love being back with my family and my friends. It doesn't help that a couple of my friends are upset with me for a decision I've made. Are you all ready for this??

I'm moving to Denver. I know I've been talking about it for awhile but it's going to happen. After I'm done with school in June, I'm going to quit my job and take the last couple of weeks to tie up loose ends in Ohio and then my plan is to be in Denver by July 1st. Since I'm going out in March for spring break, my hope is to interview like crazy the week I'm out there and find someone who will hold a position for me until I move out there.

If I can't find someone who will hold a position for me, my plan is to apply for my subbing license, something I'm going to start the process on in November. This way, come fall of 2012, I can get myself into districts around the Denver metro area and then have connections for when school counseling positions open. This is all if I can't find a school counseling job right away of course. My plan is to hopefully have a counseling job lined up by the time I move out there in July. I'll of course find a job to get me through the summer (I'm going to need to!) and then come fall I hope to be in a district somewhere.

I'm also going to look into preschool jobs, since that's what I currently do. I don't want to teach preschool anymore after this but if I want to move to Denver, then I have to be willing to take what I can get until I find the job I want. I'm also going to put my resume out there on different career websites and look into using my social work background as well. My hope is that something will pan out so that I can be in Denver next summer.

I know a lot can change in a year but I want this...badly. I have never wanted something as much as I want this move to Denver. It has several of my friends upset but my reaction to that is they'll get over it. My friendships with Denise and Diana and Irene are still as solid as they've ever been, even after moving away. Yes, it's tough but true friends make it through and support each other through everything. If this doesn't work out, then the worst that happens is I move home and find a job in Cincinnati. I'm never going to know if I can make it on my own if I don't try it. I want to do this. I want to break out of my comfortable Ohio bubble and see what else is out there. I want a chance to do something for me for once.

It's not going to be easy to leave Cincinnati. I know that. The day I pull out of my driveway for the last time to start the drive west next summer I'll be in tears. Mike has warned me that the first year away from everything you know is tough. But the difference between me and him? They moved out there not knowing anyone. I have a built in support system already. No, that still doesn't make it easy but it will help. I can do this. I want to do this. I know it won't be easy but I'm ready for the adventure.

Now, on to lighter topics. I'm throwing my sister a baby shower on August 28th! I'm a little nervous because I've never thrown a baby shower before but I think it'll be fun. Her friend Liz is helping me so at least I'm not doing it all alone. I can't believe my sister is halfway through this pregnancy already. I feel like she was just telling me she was pregnant and now she's halfway through! Crazy!

School is going well. I'm starting in on my independent study and studying for my comps exam. I don't expect to pass the first time around but at least it'll give me a feel for what it'll be like. I'm actually at the library now and I'm supposed to be studying but instead I'm updating this. Whoops. haha

The other biggest news: most of my psoriasis has cleared up! Being in Denver in the sun and the dry air for two weeks did wonders for my skin. My upper back, arms, and legs are pretty clear, minus a few spotty patches on the bottoms of my legs. My lower back and stomach still look awful. I need to expose them more to the sun. My plan is to join a tanning bed and go once or twice a week for a few minutes at a time to keep it under control. I really don't want to be on meds for it so if I can clear it up with just tanning and sun exposure, I'm all for it. And don't worry...yes I will be careful with it. Save the lectures on the dangers of tanning. I've gotten enough of them lately. :-P

I think that about does it for a major update for me. I need to get back to studying or at least researching until I head to Tym and Amy's for dinner. If anyone has any suggestions on moving/job applying tips or psoriasis care, I'm all ears. I need all the suggestions I can get!

Reminders

2011-07-08T00:25:00.000-04:00

I know I haven't updated since the end of my vacation in Denver so I'm promising a real update this weekend. Here are reminders to myself on what I need to update on.

--My drive home from Colorado, including my little off the highway adventure through podunk town Kansas looking for gas.
--My emotional meltdowns this week since being home
--Baby shower plans
--Moving to Denver plans, including subbing license, preschool jobs, etc. along with my timeline for what I'm thinking.
--School update
--Health update (psoriasis, etc.)

I think that's it. See you all this weekend!

Coming to a close

2011-06-30T19:42:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow marks my last full day in Denver. Saturday morning I'll start the drive back east and I'm already not looking forward to the goodbyes I know I have to say, at least until March. Every time I come out here, it gets harder and harder to say goodbye and go back home. On the flip side, I do miss my family and my best friends...a lot more than I expected to. Maybe it's because I've been out here for two weeks. I don't know. But I do miss them and I'm looking forward to being in the same time zone again, simply to make phone calls that much easier.

This visit out here has given me the opportunity to see what real, everyday life would be like in Colorado. The boys both worked while I was here, so I had a lot of down time to myself. I did do a few fun things but this vacation was mainly an opportunity for me to relax before having to go back into the hecticness that will be the rest of my summer and the whole coming academic year. I spent many days relaxing on the couch and sleeping in. It was almost as if I lived here and just simply had the day off of work.

Truth be told, my heart is a mess of emotions again, just as I knew it would be. A huge part of me is regretting not taking the Colorado boards after all, especially because I'm pretty certain that in the coming months when it's time to begin applying for full time jobs I'll most likely be applying out here as well as at home. I knew this would happen when I made the decision to come out for two weeks. I think extending my time here was simply a test to see how well I would do being separated from my family and friends for longer than just simply a week. I miss them but I could see myself doing this. I truly could.

I spent yesterday at the Denver Art Museum and on the way there, I felt just like any normal Denver-ite wearing my headphones and listening to my ipod as I caught the shuttle that would take me within blocks of the museum. I've always been a city girl and Denver is such a big city that I could see myself living here and working here and exploring the city I would call home.

This visit has given me a chance to remember the sides of me I don't let show at home. I remembered how much I love doing things such as spending the day by myself exploring an art museum or sitting in a coffee shop downtown just people watching. I love the opportunity to debate religion and Christianity and theology without someone making me feel stupid for my opinions. I love sitting out on the front porch at night, looking at the stars and just dreaming of what my future could look like and praying about what God has in store for me. How I did I forget about all those parts of me? Why do I spend so much time at home pushing my thoughts and feelings down? My opinions are just as important as anyone else's and instead I've learned to keep my guard up because I've gotten tired of the people around me making me feel awful for some of the things I think and believe.

There are so many little moments about being out here that I'm going to miss, such as the ridiculousness of Mike and I texting each other while in the house together, like we just now did. I'm going to miss sitting on the front porch together until 10 or 11 at night just talking and watching the grass grow. (No we really DID watch the grass grow because they just laid new sod in the yard so it's been fun to watch the sprinklers water it. Yes we are that lame. haha) I'm going to miss driving around in the truck with the windows down singing (badly!) at the tops of our lungs. I'm even going to miss him poking fun at me when we're at dinner or out with friends.

Somehow, in the last year, he has become the other half of me, the side of me that doesn't show very often. He pushes me in my faith and to discover who I really am and what I think and believe. He makes me laugh in a moment when I feel like I could cry. He listens to me vent and whine (a lot!) about things that probably aren't worth being upset over. I never expected him to become my best friend, but he has. He's the one person who can tell me like it is, know it'll piss me off, and know I'll take it because I know in the end he's usually right. Leaving here on Saturday is going to break my heart simply because I know for the next nine months all we're going to have is our weekly phone calls and random text messages here and there.

It sucks when all of your best friends are scattered so far away. I'm blessed at home to have Megan. She is my heart and my rock in Cincinnati and without her, I would be lost. But then, I have Diana and Denise in Youngstown, two of the people who have known me the longest. It doesn't matter how far apart we are or how long it's been since we've seen each other. We pick right back up where we left off. I also have a circle of close friends in Cincinnati, people who my life would be incomplete without.

And then, here in Denver, is Mike. I truly mean it when I say I never expected us to become the friends we are now. When I first came out here in March of 2010 I thought I was coming out to reconnect with family. Instead, I gained a new best friend, someone my life would be a mess without. I never expected this, but I am so very blessed to have someone so amazing in my life.

I need to stop writing. I just broke down in tears when Angie walked in. I told myself I wouldn't cry until Saturday in the privacy of my own car but I have a feeling there will be a lot of tears shed in the next 48 hours as these goodbyes loom on the horizon. I hate this.

Life in Colorado

2011-06-22T17:23:00.000-04:00

I am loving my trip to Denver so far. The drive out was long but surprisingly wasn't too bad. I got on the road around 3:30 on Friday and checked into my hotel shortly after 11 central time in Columbia, Missouri. I was so impressed by the quality (I stayed in a Motel 6 which I've heard mixed reviews on) that I went ahead and booked a room for my return trip home. I couldn't beat the price of $45 (before taxes) for just one night.

On Saturday I got on the road around 8:30 or so central time to drive the last ten and a half hours to Denver. I did pretty well time wise until I hit an intense storm just 15 miles from the Colorado border and about got pushed into the side of a semi so I got off the highway and sat for about 30 minutes waiting for it to pass. I finally got back on the road and got in around 8:30 or so mountain time.

As soon as I got in the boys whisked me off to dinner at Unos, which is not my favorite but that's okay. I had a burger and fries and I knew I was starting to get tired after my long day of driving when I just kept randomly cracking myself up at stupid stuff that no one else understood. Then, as I was trying to stack my silverware on my plate, my knife hit my cup and my entire glass of pepsi ended up all over the table and all over Mike's lap. I felt awful! Unfortunately, the night didn't end there because Mike and I ended up having to drive downtown to pick up a drunken Jack who was in no condition to drive home.

I told Mike to wake me for church on Sunday but when he did, I told him to let me sleep. I knew I was going to crash from my drive and I definitely did. I didn't crawl out of bed until almost 11 Sunday morning and the whole day I was just dragging. I took the boys to brunch for a belated birthday celebration and then we just hung around the house before having spaghetti for dinner, made with my mom's homemade sauce that I had brought in a cooler with me during my cross country trip.

I've been sleeping about ten hours every night since I got here. I truly did need this vacation to just relax and not go go go all the time. I spent some time downtown on Monday after having lunch with Mike and then spent the day in Boulder with Angie yesterday but overall, it's been very relaxing. I spent today by the pool because the doctor told me to get some sun to help dry up my psoriasis. I put sunscreen everywhere but my back (because I couldn't reach it and no one was home to help) and my legs (because my legs never burn). Well, I definitely got some sun. My poor white legs that never burn at home in Ohio definitely got some color after two hours in the Colorado sun without sunscreen. My back also got some sun because I can feel the heat of it through my shirt but I haven't looked yet since showering to see how bad it is. My legs tingled in the shower but they don't hurt right now. I have to go pick up stuff to cook dinner so I may pick up some aloe just incase for later tonight when I'm sure they will finally hurt.

I needed this vacation badly. I've been on the go for what feels like months now and I have craziness of an independent study, my summer class, work, and soon my internship facing me when I get home so I'm going to love these two weeks of just relaxing, sleeping as late as I want, and doing whatever I want, when I want to while I'm here. I don't even want to think about going home next weekend....

I have a lot on my mind as far as Colorado versus Ohio goes (I'm sure everyone saw that coming when I made the decision to come out for two weeks...) but I'm not ready to put it into words yet. I'm sure I'll have plenty of time for that later.

For now, I'm off in search of my blanket since Mikey keeps the a/c set at 68 (brrr!) and then I'm going to do some studying for my comps exam until he gets home from work. Oh vacation....

Bullets

2011-06-15T23:32:00.001-04:00

I know I haven't done a proper update in like two weeks so I apologize profusely! The end of the quarter got away from me, but it was successful! I got an A in my Special Education elective and a B- in Tests in Counseling, which was an awful class. I got a 3.3 for the quarter and a 3.45 overall. Why couldn't I do this awesome during undergrad?!

Things have been pretty crazy so here are some bullets for now. I'll do a proper update probably from Denver on SUNDAY! Can you all believe it's so close?? We went from counting down when we had 100+ days left to being down to being less than 48 hours from being on the road. I'm driving out (crazy I know!) so I'm doing eight hours on Friday and like 10 or 11 on Saturday. I'm staying overnight in Columbia, Missouri Friday night and then making the last of the drive on Saturday. The drive will be long but it's going to be worth it for TWO WEEKS with my favorite people in my favorite place!

Anyway...bullets...

--I finally got a diagnosis of psoriasis from the derm. We're now trying to figure out the best course of treatment for it. I'm still covered in spots but I only itch every once in awhile, like if I leave the steroid cream on too long (such as putting it on last night and not showering this morning so I had it on all night and then all day at work) or when I get overheated. This came as a shock because there's no family history of it on either side. I'm definitely the first. Plus it doesn't present as normal psoriasis. I'll do a full update on this sometime next week.

--School is out...for two weeks. My independent study starts when I get back from Denver and then my summer class starts the last week of July.

--I need to study for my comprehensive exam to graduate from the program. The exam is August 6th. Eeek!

--Work is work. That's all I have to say about that. I'm glad for two weeks off.

--My sister is pregnant!!!! I've been hiding this for awhile because at first she wasn't telling anyone but now she is so I'm prouldy telling the world! She finds out tomorrow if it's a boy or a girl and aunt Heather is just thrilled. Since she wasn't exactly expecting this pregnancy, she has nothing so aunt Heather is trying to reign herself in from going too crazy. :-P

I think that's it for now. I'm sure I'm forgetting stuff but that's okay. It'll come back to me. Hope you all are doing well!

Finally!

2011-06-02T12:30:00.000-04:00

If you all are friends with me on facebook, you've seen my recent status updates about this awful rash. I'm pretty sure I've blogged about it and how I finally got a diagnosis about a month ago. Well, it never went away. In fact, it just keeps spreading. I finally couldn't take it anymore and I tried to call and schedule a dermatology appointment but the lady I talked to was really rude and told me they couldn't get me in until September. I kept trying to explain I couldn't wait but she insisted I needed to follow up with a regular doctor first and made me an appointment with a doctor that I silently call a witch for how rude she was to me about my weight two years ago when I first started going to UC without even reading my chart to know why I struggle with my weight loss. I decided to cancel that appointment and just walk in today before class.

Well, this morning I woke up and the spots on my stomach no longer itched-they were burning. Well, not so much burning as tingling. It's hard to describe the feeling. I went into work crying because of how uncomfortable I was. Stacey immediately decided I needed to go see a doctor before this afternoon and she called our boss and arranged for me to leave work at 8:45 to go to the doctors. So mnay of my co-workers gripe about her, but today was just another reason of why I love working with her. She always has my best intentions at heart.

I got to campus and found out my favorite doctor (Dr. Harrison) was working. I immediately asked to see her and as soon as she walked into the exam room, she knew I needed to see a dermatologist. She did prescribe me a cream she's hoping will ease some of my itching because she thinks the cortizone cream I've been using has been making the rash spread. I was so relieved that she believed something was wrong that I started crying. I explained to her about trying to call derm myself and about how I'm so uncomfortable I can't function and she knew I needed to see someone. She called the derm nurse in who just happened to be working today and even she took one look at me and was like "Oh honey we need to get you in now. You can't wait until September." Thank you! Finally someone who sees why I'm so miserable!

I am so thankful for Dr. Harrison and the fact that she actually believed there was something wrong with me. I'm at a point where I literally just can not take this anymore. From now on, I see no one but her because three other doctors have seen me, all of whom said this just needed to run it's course. Obviously there is something wrong with me or it wouldn't keep spreading and itching like this!!

Now, just to suffer through the next few days until I can get into the derm. :-/

Where have I been?

2011-05-26T23:32:00.000-04:00

I knew after my last long entry that I was going to be MIA recently. The end of the quarter is fast approaching. Next week is the last week of classes and then finals are the week after that! T-minus 22 days and counting til Denver! Woo hoo!

I can't believe that the countdown that's been going on since September is finally drawing to a close. I can't wait to be reunited with some of my favorite people and spend TWO WHOLE WEEKS in my favorite place. Granted, I do have homework to do (stupid independent study) while I'm there, but it'll still be fun.

Two weeks from tomorrow, Megan and I will be heading to Cleveland for our girl's weekend with Lauren! We've got tickets to see Brad Paisley on the 11th since we couldn't make the Cincinnati or Indianapolis shows and decided to make a weekend of it. I haven't seen Lauren in like a year so I'm excited to be reunited with her. She was my best friend in college and I'm so glad we're still so close. They say you go to college to meet your bridesmaids and when (if) I ever get married, Lauren will definitely be one of them. :-)

Tomorrow I leave for Athens to visit Vince for the weekend. I'm also stopping in Columbus on the way to pick up Joe who is going to go visit Daniel for the weekend. I can't wait for a weekend in one of my favorite places with more of my favorite people. Noticing a trend here?? :-P

I can't sit here and say that things have been great since my last post because in fact, I had an emotional breakdown about two weeks ago. I hit a rough spot where I spent weeks in a funk (I hid it well here, making it sound like I was okay). I found myself constantly snapping at people, crying at the drop of a hat, and feeling like I was always on the verge of a panic attack. I finally hit my breaking point one Sunday evening after youth where I drove home in tears and then laid on my bed and just sobbed for an hour. I can't even call it crying because it was full blown hysterics, all for what seemed like no reason.

I finally came to the conclusion that I was just simply overwhelmed. It has been one thing after another this year from illnesses to school to work to my personal life and I just couldn't take it anymore. Add in the mix of coming off of a year of training for a half marathon and then an emotional finish and I was just done for. After long talks with Megan and my running partner Denise, I realized I needed to learn to prioritize and accept the fact that I'm not super woman. I don't have to do everything myself. It's okay for me to ask for help when I need it and to admit that I'm not perfect. I'm not meant to carry all of my burdens myself and I need to realize that.

Since then, I've felt as if a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I'm still stressed of course because I'm a busy grad student and I will be stressed until the day I graduate but I'm able to manage it. I need to start setting aside some "me" time once a week where I don't do anything except breathe and relax. And maybe work out because that helps the stress. I need to stop planning out every single minute of my life and slow down and enjoy it. If I don't learn to relax, eventually I am going to snap and it's not going to be pretty.

I am thankful for the wonderful friends and family who have gotten me over this rough spot. I'm thankful for the coworker who called me out on my attitude at work and asked me if I was okay because it made me realize how much my bad attitude was affecting my kids and my job. I'm thankful for the best friend who dropped everything on a Sunday night to lay on my bed with me while I cried my eyes out. I'm thankful for a Savior who loves me and grants me mercy and grace, regardless of my sins and my faults.

I'm not perfect and I never will be but that's okay. This is my life and even through the rough patches, I wouldn't trade it for anything else in the world.

How far I've come...

2011-05-21T22:21:00.000-04:00

Not to toot my own horn, but I had to write this entry. Tonight was Tym and Amy's wedding, probably the most beautiful wedding I've ever been to. I don't want to share too many pictures yet until they can share pictures themselves, but as I was looking through the few I had on my camera (there aren't many because I was in the wedding), I couldn't help but notice how freaking skinny I look! It's a big change from where I was four years ago at this time at Denise's wedding. Here are some comparison pictures simply because I'm in awe of how far I've come in the last couple of years.

Four years ago at Denise's wedding (I can't believe it's been that long!)

Tonight at Tym and Amy's wedding (I was a groomswoman so my dress was black with a sash that matched the bridesmaids :-) )

All I can say is...wow!

I'm a slacker

2011-05-12T14:57:00.000-04:00

I'm such a slacker. I promised an update over a week ago and haven't gotten around to it. Granted, the last week has been insanely busy and I have even more to add to my "note to self" entry I wrote last week. The end of the quarter is just weeks away which means I'm going to be slacking again anyway.

Random side note: I am obsessed with Easton Corbin's music and can't listen to him without thinking about Denver. Five weeks from tomorrow I'll be starting my cross country drive...I can't wait! End side note.

I gave you all the update on the half marathon already so I'll start with the weight loss and changes I want to make. I've been so frustrated with my weight and I've hit a plateau so I decided it was time for a change. My body has gotten so acclimated to the running cardio I've been doing that Denise and I decided it was time to mix things up. Plus, my eating habits got all out of wack the couple of weeks leading up to the marathon because I noticed my emotional eating side taking over as I stressed about the dating situation and last week I'd had enough. It was time to reign everything back in and that's just what I did.

I've been portioning out my food so I'm not overeating and I've stopped reaching for food everytime I get worried or bored. Instead, I've been trying to make it a habit of grabbing my water bottle instead and let me tell you, I am SICK of water! I obviously still drink it, but it's getting a bit excessive and over the weekend I actually refused to drink it at all because I just couldn't handle the "taste" of it anymore. :-P

I took all last week off from the gym to recover from the Pig, which was good because my whole body hurt for the whole week. My plan was to get back on Monday and then I woke up with a stomach bug so instead I spent all of Monday sleeping. I finally made it back to the gym last night and let me tell you, it felt incredible! I did a two mile walk/jog (cutting three minutes off of my normal two mile time!), did 15 minutes of spinning, and then did some weights before stretching out and calling it a night. I was still at the gym for my normal hour and a half, but because we mixed it up, I actually enjoyed my workout again. I told Denise this is going to have to become routine. We need to mix it up. I love to run (obviously since I'm training for another half!) but I get bored being on the treadmill all the time so I enjoyed being able to do something else last night.

Now, the dating situation. I officially called it quits with the guy I had been out on a couple of dates with. Things started to just feel weird and I just started to get this vibe that he was after one thing and one thing only and he was just making me uncomfortable. I spent a lot of time in prayer about it and went for ice cream with one of my mentors who also told me she thought I needed to walk away so that's exactly what I did. In fact, when I did break it off, he was just like "Better luck next time!" and I'm thinking, "WHAT?!" When I tell people he made that comment everyone tells me they think I'm better off for walking away. Who says that to someone they've been going out on dates with?!?

So now it's back to the drawing board which is totally fine for me. I have walked away from the online dating though. I'm tired of looking so whatever is going to happen, is going to happen. God's just going to have to drop mr. right in my lap because I'm tired of being the one having to pursue love. Plus, I'm going to be so busy in the next year that I don't need to actively seek out a distraction. If it happens, fabulous. If not, that's okay too. I don't know what God has in store for me in the relationship factor of my life but I'm trusting that He's not going to lead me astray. He has a beautiful plan for my life and that's all that matters.

I had plans to have a "me" day on Saturday, which quickly turned into a family day. I did sleep until about noonish and woke up with awful cramps and not feeling good. I took a hot shower and some ibuprofen which helped and then went grocery shopping with my mom, followed by hanging out at my sister's so we could get things together for Mother's Day. It wasn't the "me" day I had planned, but I did love every minute of being able to spend time with my family and not having the pressure of having to be somewhere like I do for the next two Saturdays.

I had a follow up appointment at the doctor's two weeks ago today. The awful rash I had is something called pitryiasis (not sure if I spelled it right or not) and it was caused by my body having a bacterial and a viral infection at once. It started with the strep throat I had back in March, followed by the allergic reaction to the amoxicillin and then my body just kept developing the infections from there. It's not contagious but it does take six weeks minimum to clear up. Well, I've had it about that long and some of it has gone away but I still look awful. The doctor told me I needed to reduce my stress and it would help clear it up, but I'm a grad student and I work full time so that's not happening anytime soon. :-P

I did find out at that appointment that my white blood count was elevated, so she told me my body was either fighting off an infection at that time or getting ready to fight off an infection. She asked me if I had any symptoms and I said no, just the rash so she told me not to be surprised if in the following couple of weeks I did develop a sore throat or a runny nose and sure enough, here I am two weeks later with congestion and a runny nose. I'm using a netti pot, which is the most disgusting thing EVER but it helps so that's all that matters.

I decided after I finished my half at the Pig that I couldn't believe a year of training had come down to one day and that it had come and gone so quickly so I decided that I wanted to run another one! I am officially in training for the Air Force Half Marathon, which is held every September at the Air Force base in Dayton. Two of my friends are training with me and while part of me of course if already nervous and worrying if I can do this again, I'm excited to take on this challenge! Bring it on Air Force!

And finally, school. There are four weeks left in the quarter (three weeks of classes and a week of finals) and then I'm done for a week before going into summer term. Originally, I was only taking one class the second half of summer but then I found out that my financial aid wouldn't cover anything unless I was enrolled for at least five credit hours so I was stressing last week at how I was going to arrange this because the only other class I could take would interfere with my trip to Denver so instead of taking it, I'm not enrolled for two hours of an independent study. I get to choose my own topic so I'm going to spend the summer researching sensory integration disorder, something one of my friend's kids has been diagnosed with and then write up a research paper on it. As nerdy as it sounds, I'm actually really excited at the idea of spending the summer doing this. Of course, it's going to be busy with the independent study, a class the second half of summer, studying for the boards, working, and training for a half marathon but it wouldn't be my life if I wasn't busy all the time!

Alright, time to head to class. There's my massive update for now. Hopefully I won't slack and take as long to post next time. :-P

Flying Pig Half Marathon

2011-05-08T22:08:00.000-04:00

I have so much to update on, but I feel like this subject deserves an entry all of it's own, because it's my biggest accomplishment to date and I know I have a lot to say on the subject. I still can't believe I ran a half marathon! This was the most incredible experience of my life! Yes, it was also the hardest thing I have ever done, but I can't tell you how amazing it felt to have that finisher's medal placed around my neck at the end of the race.

Beth and I woke up around 4 a.m. to eat breakfast and get ready and by 5 a.m. we were on our way out the door to head downtown. Denise called to see how we were feeling so I chatted with her for a bit. The closer we go to downtown, the more frequent the lighting was flashing. We were crossing fingers that the storms would roll out before the race started but unfortunately, we got rained on for the first couple of miles.

We walked a lot of the race and by a lot, I mean a lot. I'm actually disappointed in myself in how much I walked it. I know Beth had to be getting frustrated because I know she's faster than I am but she stuck by me until mile 9, when she finally decided to run it in. I kept telling her earlier in the race to go ahead and go but she stuck by me until mile 9. Without her, those final four miles were awful. I faced the biggest mental battles between miles 10 and 11 because my stepdad had been texting me since he works for our local ABC affiliate, which I had already passed once at mile 6 and would be passing again at mile 11 and he kept telling me "I only have three minutes" and I just burst into tears because I really wanted him to see me coming down that final two mile stretch when I hit mile 11 and I didn't think he'd be there because he would have to be in actually doing his job. Imagine my surprise when I looked up as I ran down the hill at mile 11 and there he was, on the balcony, watching for me. I wiped the tears away and pushed myself to keep running, telling myself I hadn't come that far just to walk it in.

I hit mile 12 and I finally started walking again because I was in so much pain. Since it had rained, my socks and shoes were soaked and they rubbed awful blisters on my feet. I was pretty much limping between miles 12 and 13. At mile 13, with .1 to go in the race, I was getting discouraged because coming from the opposite direction were all the people running the full marathon, who, in the time it had taken me to run a half, had run 26.2 miles. I started yelling at myself, telling myself I had't come that far just to walk it in and decided it was time to start running again. At that moment, I look up and I see Megan and James. That was it for me. I started crying again and sprinted to the finish line, where I collapsed into Beth's arms and was just crying. I couln't believe we had actually finished!!

A sweet older lady was one of the volunteers handing out medals and she asked me if she could do the honors of putting my medal around my neck. That did it for me. I started crying again! We headed through the finisher's area to the recovery zone where we got water, had our chips taken off, and got food! Then we headed out where my coworker Savannah was waiting for me, which meant so much! I loved that she had come all the way downtown to see me at the finish line. Then we headed off to find Megan and James and wound our way back up to the finish line to wait for Denise to come in, who had done the full. Megan and James left and I anxiously kept watching for Denise to come down the finish line so I could run her in. I think that was one of my favorite parts of the whole day, getting to run Denise in as she finished her second full marathon!

There is just nothing like the running community in Cincinnati and the Flying Pig was such an incredible experience. At mile 9.5, I lost my hat I had hooked around my running belt and got chased down by a volunteer at a water station to return it to me. I didn't get much further down the road when it fell off again because it was held together with velcro, which had gotten wet so it didn't want to stay closed. This time, some other runners returned it to me and we started chatting. They kept telling me I looked fabulous and they wished they had the stamina to walk/run the race the way I was. I told them I had been training for a year but that I was discouraged because I had walked so much of the race and they told me not to be discouraged because I looked incredible and should be proud of how far I had come. Then they told me that they would carry my hat for me if they thought they'd see me at the finish line and I just laughed and told them that it didn't matter, it was just a $2.00 hat from Wal-mart so I threw it off to the side of the road and kept going. I ended up seeing them again at mile 12 as we made the turn around the block to head back into downtown to the finish line and they were clapping and cheering me on as I rounded the corner to the home stretch.

It gave me chills to come down the home stretch to the finish line. I know I had gone downtown last year to watch Denise finish her marathon but it still amazes me to see how many spectators come out to cheer the runners on. To hear so many people cheering for us as we ran it in was one of the most incredible moments of my life. There is just nothing like the support of the running community in Cincinnati. It's one of the reasons I've gotten addicted to running and races. There's no such thing as size or body shape, or worrying about what someone else is doing. Everyone cheers for everyone else and even when running with a friend and running buddy, it's still an incredibly individual sport.

I officially finished in 3:49:01 but Beth and I had stopped for 10 minutes at mile four to use the porta potties (which are soooo gross, just incase anyone was curious!) so we deducted 10 minutes off of our time, which would make it 3:39:01. Not bad for my first half. I'm a little discouraged because I walked so much of it and had I run more it would have been a faster time, but I still came in under four hours which is phenomenal!

What's next you ask?? Well, apparently one half marathon wasn't enough because I am officially in training for my next one! My friend Desiree and I are running the Air Force Half Marathon on September 17th, which is held at Wright Patt, the Air Force base in Dayton. I think Tym is going to train too which is awesome! I'm sooo excited to run with Des for sure and to run another half marathon. My goal is to cut some time off and to actually run a good chunk of it. I'm going to try and do some speed training workshops at Mojo and push myself even harder to overcome these mental blocks that keep telling me I can't do this, when I know I can.

I still can't believe after a year of training that one day came and went so quickly but I can't wait to train for the next one! I am officially addicted to running and races and am excited for what the future holds! Here's to four months of solid training with (hopefully!) no injuries and setbacks! Flying Pig Half Marathon is in the books. Bring it on Air Force Half!!!

Another note to self

2011-05-04T22:07:00.002-04:00

Another note to self since I'm supposed to be studying for midterms:

--Update on half marathon!!

--Update on weight loss/changes to be made starting tomorrow

--Update on dating situation

--Update on plans for a "me" day this weekend

--Update on outcome of doctor's appointment and this stupid rash

--Update on plans for next half marathon in September!!!

That's all. Back to these awful Tests in Counseling notes. Ugh.

Pictures from the half marathon weekend!

2011-05-02T20:59:00.002-04:00

I'm way too tired to write out an update about how the weekend went so I thought I would just share some pictures for now. I finished my very first half marathon in 3:49:01 officially but Beth and I deducted 10 minutes from that time because we stopped for ten minutes at mile four to use the porta potty so without that 10 minute stop it would have been a 3:39:01 finish. Not bad for my first half!

For now, here are pictures to enjoy!

Beth and I at the Spaghetti Factory on Friday night to carb load!

Denise and I after carb loading the Spaghetti Factory!

Beth and I at the expo on Saturday!

After our first half marathon! We were sore, cold, tired, and a hot mess but we finished!!

So proud to have finished my very first half marathon!! Bring on the Air Force Half in September!

A close up of my medal!!

Real update to come tomorrow night after I get some sleep.

The weekend I've been waiting a year for...

2011-04-29T22:52:00.000-04:00

This is the weekend I've been waiting a year for! At this time last year, I was getting excited to head downtown on Sunday morning to watch Denise cross the finish line of her first full marathon. A year later, we've come full circle and she will run the full marathon while I run the half.

I never thought this day would come but it's finally here! I am confident (though nervous!) and ready. I have trained for a year for this. I am ready! I picked Beth up at the airport today (she's currently sleeping because she had a flight at 7 a.m. Tuscon time so she's exhausted) and then we had dinner with Denise to carb load. Tomorrow we head to the expo to pick up our numbers and our t-shirts and then Sunday is the big day!!

I'm headed to bed now myself because we're getting up early to watch some friends finish at the 10k and then heading to the expo from there. Plus, I've been training my body for the last week to sleep when it's tired and my eyes hurt so it's bedtime. I'm only still awake because I was finishing up some homework.

Have a great weekend and think of me bright and early Sunday morning as I run 13.1 miles!!

Dear work...

2011-04-27T20:11:00.000-04:00

Dear work,
Thank you for bouncing my paycheck for the third time in a year and a half. Thank you for the fact that I now only have $29 to my name until you can correct this mistake and the fact that my car is on empty and I have to drive to work, school, and home tomorrow. Thank you for making me come home and cry because I am so pissed off that I spent $82 I didn't have at the oil change place not knowing my paycheck had bounced. And thank you most of all for knowing about this mistake since SATURDAY and not bothering to tell any of us that our checks were going to bounce.

Sincerely,
a pissed off employee who is not going to be fun to work with tomorrow

Five days to go...

2011-04-26T22:56:00.000-04:00

So the half marathon is in five days. FIVE! How has a year of training come down to the home stretch already?!?

How am I feeling you ask? Physically, I'm so ready, minus this pesky rash which is once again spreading. I'm really hoping the doctor has some answers for me when the test results come back this week. Otherwise, my body is trained and ready for this race. I twisted my ankle last week but it's completely healed and feeling good. There is no reason physically that I can't run 13 miles on Sunday!

Mentally, I'm starting to stress a little. I haven't done more than nine miles during long runs so my mind is playing tricks on me and telling me I'm not ready, even though I know I am. I'm trying to be the strong one because I know Denise is freaking out a little more than I am about her whole marathon so I'm trying to stay upbeat for both of us. We're both ready. I know that for a fact. We've been training for a year and she's run THREE half marathons since running the full marathon at the Pig last year. She is so ready and she CAN do this!!

I knew that mentally this week was going to be tough. I'm a bundle of nerves, excitement, and fear but I KNOW I'm ready for this race. I have never wanted something so badly in my entire life. I CAN and WILL cross that finish line on Sunday morning! Now if only that pesky forecase would change to eliminate the rain. Then things would be perfect. T-minus 5 days and counting! Bring on the Flying Pig Half Marathon!!

Going with my gut on this one...

2011-04-24T20:55:00.000-04:00

I'm long overdue for an update so I figure this will probably be a long entry.

First off: school. The "school year" is almost over but with it comes a whole new set of worries. I have to take a summer class over the summer which was supposed to be online but is now going to be five weeks during second session, twice a week. This is going to screw up me being able to work full time all summer long. I mean, my internship was going to start at the beginning of August anyway but I was still hoping to get close to 40 hours through the end of August. Instead, I'm going to be lucky if I get 30. Guess it'll get me prepared for next school year when I can only work three days a week due to my internship.

I'm getting excited but nervous about my internship. I'll be at a local junior high where the school district has cut back to just one counselor so she has already told me that I'm going to have more responsibility than normal since she'll be the only one in the building. I told her I'm okay with that because it'll give me more experience and I'll be able to better market myself once I graduate.

I started stressing about my internship today because I can only intern one and a half days a week for fall quarter because one of my classes falls in the middle of the day at one, which means having to leave my internship at noon in order to make it to class on time. I wish they'd change it and offer it at four like normal graduate classes, but whatever. I'll just deal with it. I sat and calculated and I should be fine on hours which is good. It's one less thing for me to stress about.

Second: doctor's appointment. I went to the doctor this week because my body started breaking out in my awful rash again. It doesn't itch and it doesn't hurt but it just keeps popping up. Well, the nurse practicioner looked at it and said it looked like the rash that's associated with both mono and strep so she tested me for both and both of the initial tests came back negative. She took a culture of one of the spots on my stomach and sent it off to be analyzed so I have a follow up appointment on Thursday to get the results. I don't know what's wrong with me but right now it's clearing up which is a good thing so we'll see what the results say this week.

Third: running! So the marathon is one week from TODAY! I can't believe that a year of training has come down to one week. This is a very slow paced week training wise. I only have to do two miles tomorrow and two miles Wednesday. I can't believe Denise, Beth, and I have made it through a year of training. I'm sooo excited to pick Beth up at the airport on Friday and then to cross that finish line together next Sunday. We made it!! I can't wait to put that 13.1 sticker on my car after the race is over!

Finally: the boy. We went on a second date last night which went so well, hence my all smiles entry from late last night. Well, today I woke up and I just don't feel right. I spent a lot of time in prayer at church this morning and I really feel like God is telling me no on this one. There are many red flags being raised for me, as much as I do enjoy spending time with him and talking to him. After several more conversations after our long heart to heart last week, I feel like we're just not on the same page and right now we're at two different places in our lives. I just honestly don't think it'll be fair of me to keep going out on dates with him when I know it just doesn't feel right.

I need someone who is spiritually going to be on my level, someone I can go to church with and pray with and go to Bible study with, someone who genuinely loves the Lord and wants to seek Him first in all we do and I just don't get that vibe from Don. I feel like he takes an interest in what I have to say about my volunteer work with my youth girls but I don't think he has any interest in the spiritual side of it, regardless of how much I bring it into conversation.

He's a fun person to be around, but right now, it just doesn't feel right. I don't want to disobey what I know God is telling me to do so I need to walk away now before either one of us gets hurt. I have talked to several friends about this who are spiritually grounded and I feel like this is the right decision for me to make. As much as it sucks in the moment to have to make this decision, I know God is going to bless it tremendously because I'm choosing to listen to where He is directing me instead of following my head and heart on this one. Now I just need to figure out how to have this conversation after telling him last night what a good time I had with him.

*sigh* Please pray for my heart in the upcoming week or two as I try to figure out how to best approach this situation and pray that God moves through me as I follow where He is directing me.

Note to self

2011-04-24T01:57:00.002-04:00

Note to self:

Update on doctor's appointment, school, and tonight's second date.

Going to bed all smiles tonight. I love it.

Trust

2011-04-17T02:13:00.000-04:00

I stepped out on a limb tonight and put my heart out on the line. This week has been full of so many doubts and uncertainties which I hinted at in the previous post. I still don't plan to elaborate but what I will share is that I had a long talk tonight with one of my best friends from college about what was going through my head. At Lauren's urging, I stepped outside of my comfort zone and stepped out on faith and had a long talk with Don about some fears and doubts I was having, only to find out that we're on the exact same page.

I also brought up the conversation about my faith and just exactly how big of a role it plays in my life. We had a long talk about what he believes and he told me that he wants to start going to church again regularly, something he admires about me. He told me he was glad that I was honest with him because it helps him to know that we're on the same page too about what it is we're both hoping to get from this and where we want to go from here.

After all the seriousness had passed, I asked him where we went from here and he said another date! I told him I would love to and jokingly asked "So when are you taking this pretty girl out again?" and he told me soon! You can imagine the smile on my face right now...!

I feel a thousand times better now that we've had this conversation. I had myself completely freaked out this week thinking he was a typical guy after one thing and one thing only and now, while part of me is still scared and unsure, I feel differently. I told him I want to move extremely slow and see how things progress and he told me he's okay with that fact.

I don't know what's going to happen and I don't know what the future holds, but I feel at peace about how tonight went. God definitely moved in me as I was sharing my heart and my thoughts tonight and I feel a lot better knowing that we're now both on the same page about things. I'm looking forward to where things will go from here and trusting God to continue to direct me down the path He has set for me.

First date

2011-04-16T01:05:00.000-04:00

I've been putting off writing this entry because I started to have some doubts about how I was feeling about this whole dating thing and tonight I decided I don't want to dwell on it and I kind of want to just wait it out and see what happens. I had some serious freak out moments over the weekend last weekend in Athens which led to a conversation via text messages at 4:30 in the morning on Saturday night after a glass of wine on an empty stomach and I think since then I've just freaked myself out. Sorry this part is vague but I'm just not ready to write about it yet. My best friends know about my freak out moments and we'll just leave it at that.

So the first date went really well. I had myself kind of worked up about it to the point that as I was driving to the date, I almost turned around and went back home. Luckily I talked to Megan as I was driving who kept me calm enough that I made it to Newport in one piece. Go figure it was raining buckets on a night that we had planned a date night on the river! I met Don in front of the movie theater as we had planned and he could tell that I was nervous. He instantly tried to make me comfortable and tried to put me at ease by making me laugh, for which I was grateful. I had been so nervous when we first sat down that I had my menu open in front of me and couldn't even look at him!

We talked and laughed all during dinner and after dinner decided we wanted to go for a walk. Well, of course it was still raining so we just walked right across the Levee to Barnes and Noble where we had hot chocolate and sat at a table by the window overlooking the city and just talked. By this time I was (almost) completely relaxed and I could tell he was getting comfortable too because he wasn't afraid to tickle me or poke me and things like that. It made me the slightest bit uncomfortable because we still don't know each other that well but I'm glad he felt comfortable enough with me to tease me that way.

At one point he yawned which made me laugh but then I started yawning and once I started yawning I just couldn't stop. He knew I had worked all day and that I had driven in from Athens the day before and went straight to church for youth stuff so he knew I was tired. He insisted we end the night so I could go home and get some sleep, which I thought was really sweet. He told me he didn't want me falling asleep as I drove home so he walked me to my car which is where things got awkward. I could tell he wanted to kiss me good night as we stood there and I'm so glad he didn't because I'm not sure I would have been ready for that. Instead, we did the whole awkward good night hug and then left.

He had told me to text him when I got home safely so I did and he told me that he had had a good time and that he wanted to take me out again, to which I agreed. We had had such a good time that I had been looking forward to a second date. Well, this week our conversations kind of dwindled off to the point that until earlier this afternoon, I hadn't talked to him since Tuesday afternoon and even then it was only about a ten minute conversation. I think it's where my doubts started to come from and by today I had decided that I wasn't going to text him or talk to him unless he talked to me first. Well, imagine my surprise when he text me as I was driving home from work just to tell me he hoped I was having a good day.

I still don't know what to think. There are still some uncertainties for me and we need to talk about things like his spiritual beliefs (which for me is a make it or break it factor) and then some of my freak out moments which stem from good reasons, which I eventually will share but don't want to think about and dwell on right now. We've been chatting on and off all evening again after him not really talking to me all week so I just don't know what to think.

Do you all remember the rash I had a couple of weeks ago? Well, I'm starting to think that it's stress or anxiety induced because today at work I started breaking out again. I have a couple of spots on my chest again, some on my arms, and I've even found a couple on my stomach and my legs this time. My mom switched detergents a couple weeks ago too so I'm wondering if that's playing into it but the spots are in such random spots that I don't think that's it. I'm going to switch back to my normal detergent and see if that helps. If it keeps spreading, I'll probably go to the clinic on campus Thursday and have them take a look at it again. I just can't figure out what could be causing it but I don't think I can take much more of it.

I also need to relax. If I can relax and stop stressing maybe my body will calm down. Between work, school, dating, and the marathon training, my body is just going crazy. I need just one day for a mental health day to de-stress and relax and try to keep my body in line.

Alright, I need to go get some sleep. I fell asleep for an hour or two right after work this afternoon but had to wake myself up to get my homework done so now I'm going to go sleep because I have to be up semi-early (for me anyway!) to drive to Columbus with my aunt for my cousin's dance competition. Good night!

Teaser

2011-04-12T23:13:00.000-04:00

Alright...teaser time. The first date went so well! I had an amazing time and we've decided we definitely want to go out again soon.

That's all you get for tonight because I just got back from a four mile training run at the gym (t-minus 19 days and counting until the half marathon!!) and I'm sweaty and gross and need to shower and get ready for bed.

Good night!

A long awaited update

2011-04-10T11:33:00.000-04:00

I've been blogging about this on another site, one where I could control who could read it and who could not read it. I've been waiting to write about it here because I needed to share it with a certain person in person first because he reads my blog.

I met someone about four weeks ago. We actually met online on a dating website, something I never thought I'd do. I signed up on a whim for a free trial and then joined for a month. A day or two after I joined, I started e-mailing with a guy who lives about 20 minutes from where I live. We e-mailed every night for about two and a half weeks before he finally asked for my phone number. Since then, we've been texting every night and we're finally going out on a date tomorrow night.

I genuinely like this guy. I know we haven't met yet, but we've had these incredible conversations and we have so much in common. I'm looking forward to meeting him in person tomorrow night and seeing if we click in person the way we have over text messages.

I haven't slept for more than five hours a night in over a week because we've been staying up so late talking to each other. Friday night into Saturday was the first time I've really slept because I'm in Athens and I just stayed in bed all day yesterday while Vince was working. When we're not talking, I'm thinking about him. It's crazy how this has all played out.

I honestly am terrified right now. I'm terrified this is going to go somewhere and terrified I'm not going to know what to do about it. Plus, there are a couple of major issues he and I need to talk about, issues that came up at 4 in the morning over a text message last night that I told him I wanted to talk about in person. We'll just say that potentially we're going to have to draw some boundaries.

Ugh, my life has gotten so complicated in the last three weeks but at the same time, I've been loving every moment of it. Does that make me crazy??

Three and a half weeks?!?

2011-04-05T23:53:00.000-04:00

As of tonight, we're officially three and a half weeks out from the half marathon! I officially registered for the half the other night, which is awesome and terrifying at the same time! I can't believe a year of training has come down to the home stretch!

I skipped my 11 mile run this past weekend because of my stupid allergic reaction, which is FINALLY fading. I thought it was never going to go away but I haven't itched at all today. There's some slight redness left but overall it's fading pretty well. Skipping my 11 mile run probably wasn't the smartest of ideas but I'm planning to take my running clothes to Athens with me this weekend and I'm going to attempt to do my 12 mile run since Athens is hilly. That'll be the perfect combination of mileage and hill training.

Beth booked her flight to Cincinnati yesterday! After ten years (maybe more??) of being friends (we met through open diary WAY back in the day) we're finally going to meet in person! She's also registered for the half and we're going to pace together which will be so fun. I'm excited to finally get to meet someone I consider such a dear friend. Plus, what a better bonding experience than running for 13 miles together right?!?

I'm getting soooo excited for the race!! Since I'm officially registered, it's becoming real. I had an incredible four mile run last night and I have to do seven tomorrow. I told Beth today that since I pulled out 9.3 for the Heart Mini a couple of weeks ago that I'm fairly confident at my ability to pull out four more miles in three weeks. I've been training for this and I know my body is capable of running 13.1 miles. Even if I have to walk part of it, I WILL finish! I can't believe this is it. T-minus 25 days and counting!!!

Allergic reaction

2011-04-03T14:10:00.000-04:00

I swear, this has been the WORST year ever for me health wise. Since I started training for the Pig, I've dealt with various injuries and sicknesses and I think this one tops them all. Since I had strep a few weeks ago, they put me on a pretty heavy dose of amoxicillin. Well, I never knew (until after the fact) that when you're on antibiotics, your body reacts differently to the sun. Vince and I spent the whole day on the river and I ended up sunburnt. The sunburn slowly turned into a rash that we thought was just a reaction to being in the sun while on antibiotics.

Well, that was two weeks ago and it never cleared up. In the last week, it started spreading so that the rash was no longer just on my chest where my shirt hadn't covered my skin, but all over my arms and up my neck. The only part of me that itched was my chest but I looked awful! I finally couldn't take it anymore and decided today that I was going to urgent care, especially because it was spreading.

Well, after $170 and a steroid shot, I left the doctor's office with a prescription for a cream and another antibiotic to clear everything up. It turns out I had an allergic reaction to the amoxicillin, which is good to know so I don't get put on it anymore. The worst part is the itching. I would rather be sick or in pain than deal with constant itching. It's been AWFUL for the last two weeks.

Plus, secretly, the only reason I went to urgent care today is because I have a date on Thursday and I want this to start clearing up before then. All of my shirts (except for t-shirts and hoodies) are low cut enough that they show the rash so I can't wear anything right now that exposes my skin because I hate how it looks. I'm hoping this all will help so I can wear something cute on my date. :-P

Here's my biggest gripe: I have student health insurance, which I can only use on campus. Well, I can't afford any more time off of work so I decided to say screw it today and I went to urgent care knowing I was paying out of pocket for the visit. I paid $120 for the visit, $40 for the shot, and then another $10 for the cream and the antibiotic they have me on. I think it's ridiculous that I can't use my insurance anywhere but on campus so after this quarter, I'm going to pick up private health insurance that not only will be cheaper, but will actually let me use it somewhere other than just campus.

Here's to hoping this all helps. The itching is already starting to subside a bit from the loading dose of the steroid shot which is nice so I hope this is a good sign. I just can't take this itching anymore!!

No better therapy

2011-03-30T21:01:00.000-04:00

I've decided that there is no better therapy than that of putting on my running shoes and going for a three mile run. Last night, I was in a mood and couldn't shake this weird feeling I had so even though it was an "off" night from running, I decided to put my running shoes on and head to the gym for a three mile run. By the time I was done, I was so exhausted I came home, took a shower, and fell asleep. It amazed me how much better I felt after I was done.

I keep thinking back on how far I've come in my training and how I never thought I'd make it to this point. I can't believe the half marathon is in four and a half weeks. Four and a half weeks?!? How did the last year go by so quickly?! The end is in sight and I can't believe it's almost time to meet my goal that I thought would never get here. This is it folks. We're in the home stretch of the biggest run of my life, the one I've been training for a year for. A year! And now it's the end of my training. Wow!

The hardest part of my training has been overcoming the mental barriers that still sometimes get in my way. That 15k was the hardest race I've ever finished and the distance wasn't the problem. My self-doubt was. I need to continually remind myself of how far I've come and that I CAN do this. I've been training for a year for this. There is NO reason I'm not ready for this half marathon. I've overcome injuries, illnesses, and setbacks to make it to where I am right now. Four and a half weeks from now I WILL conquer my goal!

I think my biggest fear with the half is all the hills. Cincinnati isn't exactly flat and there are several hills that terrify me. Denise has already given me several pep talks about them and has reminded me that it's okay to conserve my energy and to walk them. That doesn't make me a failure. It makes me smart so I don't hurt myself. I do need to hill train though so I'm headed to Athens next weekend (I'm pretty sure I am anyway) to hill train. I have to run 12 miles and Athens is so hilly that it's the perfect place to get both my mileage and my hill training in.

After next weekend's 12 mile run, I start scaling back because the race will be so close! I'm excited, scared, and nervous but I know I CAN and WILL finish this half marathon on May 1st! Bring on the Flying Pig!!

Confession

2011-03-27T23:44:00.001-04:00

I have a confession to make, something I've been meaning to blog about for awhile, but haven't because I know one of my closest friends reads my blog and I haven't told him yet soooo I need to figure out the best way to handle this situation and then I will definitely be back to blog about it here.

I do love that I have a more private "diary" on another site that lets me control who can and can not read my blog so I was able to spill this out when it all first started happening about two weeks ago. However, I can't keep it contained much longer, especially with the way things are progressing, so once I figure out how to tell said person, I'll be back to blog about this.

By the way my friends, be careful about how you say things to me because I will take them to heart and it eventually leads to me not wanting to tell you when something big is happening in my life, like now. I know it was an innocent comment and you probably didn't know it got to me, but it did. So now, I have to figure out how to tell you about this time in my life without wondering if you're going to think it's weird or give me grief about it.

And if you think I'm talking to you, chances are, I may be. Guess only time will tell. I'll be back soon to blog about this. Hopefully.

Thoughts on the future

2011-03-24T22:06:00.004-04:00

Ever since Vince left on Tuesday, I've been processing several conversations we had about the future. There's something about our friendship that makes it easy for me to admit things I don't ever want to admit to myself or anyone else. But then, it's also easy to let your guard down at 4 in the morning when you've stayed up all night talking.

Vince got in to town on Sunday evening and after spending some time with my family at my sister's and then with some friends at Bdubs, we came home for a movie night. When the movie was over, we had full intentions of going to bed but instead that turned into five hours of talking later before we finally fell asleep. By the time we went to bed, I had been up for 24 hours, though I had taken a two hour nap after my race.

During our marathon conversation, we touched on the future a bit. However, it wasn't until the following day when we were walking through the historic district of Covington admiring old houses and apartments that we really got to the heart of the conversation. Vince jokingly made a comment that if he moved to Cincinnati at the same time I was moving to Denver that he'd be really pissed at me and not talk to me again. I started laughing but then we got serious and I told him I wasn't even sure if I was moving to Denver, that it all depended on jobs and finances and the many other things you need to consider before picking up your life and moving 18 hours across the country.

As we were walking through Covington, we started talking about moving in together and being roommates, which would be crazy ridiculous and fun! We both want to live in the city or on the water and he's planning to move to Cincinnati for some independence anyway before ultimately wanting to move to Seattle so why not move in together and save money by being roommates instead of living by ourselves? We both need to finish school first and then I believe he wants to stay at OU for grad school anyway so it'll be a couple of years at least before this happens and you never know how things will change by then.

I know it seems like one weekend completely changed my mind around but honestly, it's been weighing on me a lot lately and Vince was the first one to call me out on whether I wanted to really move to Denver or not. I do because a big part of my heart is there and I feel like I'm torn between Cincinnati and Denver but at the same time my life is here. My family is here, my friends are here, my life is here. Essentially, I'd be starting all over again in Denver and at 27, I don't know if I'd be ready for that.

I don't know. There's so much to consider. It's all going to come down to the job market and who is going to offer me a job. I'll be honest though. Ever since the other night, I've been looking at apartments in Cincinnati/Northern Kentucky. There was one that Vince and I had walked by and I made a comment about how creepy the building looked but when I looked it up online, it was gorgeous! Wood floors, vaulted ceilings, a lot of light...and right on the river! Plus, the rent was fantastic for a river view for two bedrooms.

I'm trying to not jump ahead of myself because I honestly do not know what my future has in store for me. I'm still going to take the boards in Denver in June but I'm also going to get licensed in Kentucky as well. I need to have back up plans and options available so I can market myself everywhere for a position.

I have so much else on my brain but I feel like this is scatterbrained enough and all over the place so I'll tell you the fun part of our visit and then process some more when I can focus on the serious side of my brain.

Obviously Sunday night we stayed up all night talking. During our marathon conversation we talked about anything and everything and Vince even told me ghost stories. At one point I had to get out of bed to go to the bathroom so I made him cover his eyes so I could turn on the light because I was afraid something would jump out from under the bed and grab me. :-P

We got up on Monday and spent the entire day downtown. We went to the top of Carew Tower, which used to be the tallest building in Cincinnati before the new skyscraper was built this past year. I've lived here for 10 years and that was the first time I'd ever been up there. The views were incredible! We took a bunch of pictures and then headed back down to go for a walk to the river where I proceeded to get us lost. Well, we weren't lost but we didn't end up in the spot I thought we would. So instead we walked along the riverfront under the bridge admiring the murals that had been painted and then walked through the historic district of Covington admiring the old buildings before heading back across the river to Cincinnati.

We drove down to Sawyer Point and sat in our favorite spot on the river, which is still flooded from all the rain we got in the last few weeks. I could have sat there all night but we had dinner plans with my co-workers so we headed back out towards my work to hang out with them. After dinner we went down to Newport with the intentions of finding Vince a Cincinnati Reds hat and then seeing a movie but that turned into me getting a smoothie and hanging out overlooking the city instead because the sports store was closed and we were too tired for a movie.

Of course, once we got home we got a second wind and we ended up watching a scary movie with my mom that had a really ridiculous ending. Someone should take away my rights of being allowed to choose our movies off the Netflix queue because I always choose stupid ones. I think it's why I stick to my favorite tv shows on demand on Netflix because you can't go wrong with those. After the movie we both passed out since we had worn ourselves out by spending the whole day walking all over downtown and Covington and hanging out in the sun.

When we woke up on Tuesday, my mom told us we sounded like a married couple from the way we were "arguing" with each other. Apparently I punched Vince in his sleep on Monday night. Whoops! I have no idea what I was dreaming about (it had something to do with the movie we had watched I think) and he thought I was awake when I did it. Nope, not so much. I definitely don't remember doing it. He was giving me crap for that and I was giving him crap for the fact that I had to sleep on the edge of my bed because he kept rolling over and almost pushing me out of bed all night. :-P It was hilarious listening to us!

We had breakfast with my parents while I got the tires rotated on my car. After breakfast, I found out from the tire people that both my brakes and roters need replaced and they quoted me close to $700 for both the front and the back. I had to run to my mechanic anyway and they quoted me about the same so I think I'm just going to have my mechanic take care of it. It needed done before Denver anyway so I guess this is a blessing in disguise because at least I won't have to worry about them going out on me before I drive to Denver in June. But still...$700!

After breakfast we ran all over creation (okay to two malls but it felt like all over!) to find Vince the Cincinnati Reds hat he wanted. See, I slowly am bringing him to the dark side since he's from Cleveland! Now if only I could make him see that the Yankees are better than the Red Sox. Crazy Boston fan. *shakes head* This summer we're going to have a photo shoot of us duking it out in our Yankees-Red Sox apparel and then together in our Reds apparel. It's on our Cincinnati bucket list of things to do together so I'm looking forward to the summer and the crazy adventures I'm sure are bound to happen when we're together.

After our day in the sun on Monday I ended up sun burnt and believe it or not, I broke out with sun poisioning today! My neck started itching and I thought I had a rash so I made my mom look at it considering she's a nurse and she told me it looks like sun poisoning since it's in the same place I'm sunburnt at. I put cream on it which helps but still, who gets sun poisoning in March?!? Apparently I do!

Okay, enough of my scatterbrained-ness. I'm going to go watch an episode of The Secret Life of the American Teenager (my newest addiction) on Netflix before bed. Tomorrow's Friday!!

Heart Mini Marathon 15k!!

2011-03-20T13:43:00.003-04:00

I want to blog about this now while it's all fresh in my mind because I don't want to forget a moment of today's incredible experience.

I got up at 5:15 to give my body enough time to wake up so I could eat a small breakfast before the race. After Thanksgiving's disasterous energy crash from NOT eating before the race I knew I needed to eat this morning or else I would never have survived nine miles. I decided on two slices of peanut butter toast on wheat bread and a glass of water. I wanted juice but figured the acidity of it might upset my stomach so I opted to stay with a bland breakfast I knew would settle well.

I headed out the door about 6:10 to meet Denise and we left her house at 6:20. We got about half way downtown and it started raining. Really?!? It wasn't supposed to rain until this afternoon so I kept hoping it was just a passing shower. Nope, no such luck. We met up with Shana in the hotel near the start line and she told us it was pouring as she came in. Great. Another race in the rain. I'm starting to get used to this in Cincinnati.

We stood in line, went to the bathroom, and then headed to the start line where we huddled under a bus stop to keep warm and dry before the race started. The gun went off and we were off! I started off too quick so I had to quickly pull myself back so I didn't waste all of my energy. I knew I would need that later when it came time to run Torrence Parkway, the biggest hill in the race. Denise and Shana paced with each other since they're about the same speed so it was just me and my ipod for 9.3 miles.

I did pretty well at maintaining anywhere between a 15 and 16 minute mile, which for me is awesome. I hit the four mile marker at 1:02 and knew I was on track to cut some of my long run time down. This is also about where I started to get emotional. I was four miles into a nine mile race and coming up to turn around to head towards the hill. I was thinking about my grandpa, who died when I was 10 because the race is put on by the American Heart Association and he died of a heart attack. I kept thinking how proud he would be of the woman I've become and how much I missed him. Then I started questioning my ability to actually finish the race running because I was walking and I quickly became a mess. I started giving myself a pep talk and told myself it wasn't time to cry, that the tears could wait until I hit the finish line. At that moment, I needed to focus on the fact that I still had five miles to go so I picked my feet up and started running again. At that moment I saw Denise and Shana who had made the turn around and were headed back the opposite direction and they started cheering for me. That pick me up was just what my body needed and my confidence turned right back around and I was off again.

At mile 6 I hit Torrence Parkway and people weren't kidding when they said it was killer! I took it at a slow walk and once I got to the top, enjoyed jogging back down the opposite side of it. I was starting to feel sore at that point so I slowed myself down to a walk and from mile 6 to mile 7 was my slowest time at 18 minutes. Still not too bad, all things considering.

Around 8.5 miles, it started pouring down rain. I was like, "You have got to be kidding me!" and the girl next to me started laughing. I was already walking at this point because I was cramping something fierce so I picked up my walk and tried power walking, but the cramps were so bad that I actually had to stop and stretch my leg out. I was cramping from my toes all the way up to the middle of my calf in my left leg. It was awful. By the time I got the muscles stretched out, I had water dripping down my face, into my eyes, and down my nose. I kept swiping at my face with my sleeves but I quickly gave up because nothing was keeping me dry.

At this point, I was at mile 9 and only had .3 left to go. I was still walking because I was sore and had to quickly give myself a pep talk that I had not come this far to walk across the finish line so I picked my pace back up into a jog. At that moment, I looked up and looked right into Megan's eyes. She and James had come down to meet me at the finish line and with their encouragement, I picked up my speed and ran it in.

I was presented with my mylar, which I quickly wrapped around me because I was freezing. It's one thing to run in the rain, it's another to run in cold rain. I let the race officials cut the timing chip off of my shoe and then headed down the stretch to get my finisher's medal.

I finished my first ever 15k in 2:26:39 and have never been more proud of my time. I maintained a 15:47 mile, which is incredible! I was so proud of how well I had done, especially because this winter has been awful with illnesses, pains, and set backs. I overcame all of them and met my goal of the 15k. Next up is the Flying Pig Half Marathon six weeks from today!!

I met up with Megan and James and we headed back down to the finish line to wait for Denise since she had run the half. She came in 14 minutes after I did and finished her half marathon in 2:40!! I am so very proud of her and I think it's incredible that she ran 13 miles in just over two and a half hours!

We headed down the home stretch to have our pictures taken together in front of the American flag. We proudly showed our medals and I know the smiles on both of our faces were huge. I could never have done this without her. She has seen me through months of training and I owe so much of where I am now to her.

I am sore, tired, and cold but I am accomplished. I have met my third goal in my training plan and I can't wait to cross off that final goal of the half marathon in six weeks. This has been an incredible journey and through all of the illnesses, injuries, and set backs, I have learned so much about myself and my confidence level has just soared through the roof. I love where I am right now and can't wait to see how the half marathon goes in six weeks.

I. Am. Ready. Bring it on Flying Pig!

At home after finishing the race! Cold, tired, wet, and sore but I made it!

My race number, medal, and results!

The weekend I've been waiting for!

2011-03-18T20:59:00.004-04:00

Well, we've finally arrived to the weekend I've been looking forward to and training for for months now! The 15k is in less than 48 hours and I'm getting sooo excited! You're supposed to carb load two nights before and not the day prior to the race so I went to Olive Garden with Megan and James tonight and indulged in breadsticks and spaghetti to get my carbs in. Tomorrow it's probably going to be a strictly soup diet so I don't have any stomach issues on Sunday morning.

Tonight consists of mainly cleaning my room because it currently looks like a tornado went through it. It's amazing how awful it looks. Believe it or not, my suitcase from the cruise I went on in December is still laying in the middle of my room. haha Plus I need to change my sheets and pillow cases since I came down with strep this week so I'm not sleeping on germs. Blah.

Tomorrow Denise and I are headed to the race expo to pick up our packets with our numbers and timing chips in them. Since Jon is out of town, we're going to have the kids so we're bringing them with us and then doing lunch after somewhere. I'm definitely excited for some girl bonding time, even with the kids. :-)

After we get back from the expo, I'm going to hang out with Joe for a bit who is home on spring break. I haven't seen him since Christmas so it'll be fun to hang out and catch up. Then it'll be home to head to bed early to be well rested for the 15k!

Sunday morning I'm meeting Denise at her house at 6:15 (in the morning!) so we can head downtown to meet Shana who is running the half with Denise and give us time to get in line to use the bathroom before starting our run. There will be porta potties on the course but my hope is to not have to stop and use them. We'll see how that works out though.

Vince gets in Sunday night and I can't wait to see him! I don't think we have anything specific planned for his visit other than to just hang out and relax after coming down off of busy quarters. I haven't seen since him since before Christmas so I'm looking forward to a couple days of catching up and spending time together.

I'll probably be out of commission until he leaves on Tuesday so I'll update again then. Wish me luck and say a little prayer for me on Sunday morning! I may pop in Sunday afternoon long enough to give an update with how I did and then follow up with details after Vince leaves. :-)

Strep throat

2011-03-17T14:32:00.002-04:00

I'm sitting here at home on the couch in the middle of the afternoon when I should be at work. I woke up yesterday morning with what felt like a scratchy throat and by the end of the day at work, it had started to hurt. I was up and down all night last night because it hurt so bad. I text my boss at 6:15 this morning and told her I needed to go see a doctor because I thought I had strep and sure enough I was right. It didn't even take the test the full seven minutes to come back positive. The nurse practicioner I saw was surprised I knew that it was strep and I told her I went through this in May when I last had strep. I'm not really surprised because it's been floating around our preschool so I knew it was just a matter of time before I got sick again.

The funny thing is is that I don't even feel sick. My throat just hurts. Otherwise I feel great. I have so much energy and the weather is so gorgeous out that I really want to go for a run but with the 15k being Sunday I can't chance a run today. I need to save my energy for Sunday. I'm getting soooo excited for the race! Denise and I are headed to the Expo on Saturday to pick up our packets and check out some running gear. I can't wait to cross that finish line Sunday morning and prove to myself just how capable I am of doing something like this. This will be my longest run yet and I am pumped for it!

So instead of working and going for a run I'm laying on the couch watching March Madness. I actually really need to go clean my room but I don't really feel like it. It needs cleaned though. I'm tired of tripping over my suitcase from December when I went to the Bahamas. lol

I'm anxiously awaiting grades to be posted. I'm pretty sure I bombed my Career Development final. I got the exam in front of me and completely blanked out. The multiple choice and true/false questions were okay but the fill in the blank were awful. I couldn't remember any of them so I just started writing stuff in hoping it was right. I told my friend Jen I couldn't turn in a graduate level exam with the whole front page blank. My second final was pretty decent considering I didn't study for it. She was right when she said we'd remember stuff from the text and our projects. There was only one question I didn't know the answer to. I feel good about it but we'll see when grades came in how I really did.

I had a scary moment when I was driving home from the doctor today. Since I have student health insurance, I can only access health care on campus so I had to drive 30 minutes just to see a doctor. Well, on my drive home I was talking to Denise and not paying attention to my speed...until I passed a cop! I quicky looked down and I was doing 70 in a 55. Whoops! Somehow the cop either didn't feel like pulling me over or hadn't clocked my speed because he never pulled me over. I kept anxiously checking my rear view mirror and he never left his spot. I told Denise I'm lucky I didn't get pulled over because I can't afford another ticket since I just had one in September!

Okay, enough rambling. I guess I'll go be productive and clean my room. Or watch basketball. haha

Finals week

2011-03-15T14:50:00.003-04:00

It's officially finals week at UC. Finally. I never thought this week would come. This has been an awful quarter and I'm so ready for it to be over. Not only has it been rough academically, but health wise it has sucked. I'm ready for spring. Granted, I have to start studying for the boards but hopefully that won't leave me as traumatized as this quarter has.

I don't know why but this quarter has just really been a struggle for me. It's not even like my classes are difficult. In fact, I actually enjoyed Career Development more than I expected to. But for whatever reason, I feel like I spent more time doing work this quarter than I have for any other quarter of grad school in the last two years, including the fall when I took Stats! I have never been so ready to put a quarter behind me as I am this one.

Maybe it's just because it's winter quarter. I hated winter quarter during undergrad. The weather sucks, I always have a touch of depression in the winter, and it just leaves me feeling discouraged. Spring quarter has always been one of my favorites and hopefully it'll be the same this year. We'll see.

In the last 48 hours I think I've only gotten a total of about nine hours of sleep. I've put a lot of time into my Career Development studying since he changed up the test format for the final. I have NO idea what to study for Preventive Counseling because the professor hasn't lectured at all this quarter and told us we'd walk away with what we needed to know from reading the textbook and doing our group projects. Well, guess what? I did my project AND I read the WHOLE textbook (a first in my two years of grad school!) and I still don't feel like I learned anything. I have no idea what to study for that final tonight at 7 so I'm going into it blind and I'll just wing it. I don't know what more I can do.

I'm just so ready for this quarter to be over. It's even taken a toll on my job because I've been spacing out and so not paying attention. Even the kids have picked up on my tension because they've all been wound up and off the walls. Maybe once finals are over I'll be back to my normal self. If I don't, my boss just might have my head.

Vince comes in on Sunday night and I am SO excited to see him! I took Monday and Tuesday off of work to spend with him and I can't wait to just relax and let myself go for two whole days. We have no plans other than to have dinner with some of my work friends Monday night and for once I'm okay with that. We're both coming off of crazy busy quarters so I think we're both looking forward to the opportunity to just relax.

Plus, Sunday morning is my big 15k!! The weather looks promising right now...65 and sunny! Perfect! Denise and I are going to car pool together and then Megan and James will be waiting for me at the finish line with a plain bagel with peanut butter and orange juice in hand. I'm a lucky, lucky girl to have such amazing friends who cleared their schedules to be there when I finish. I'm so pumped for this race. After this, Flying Pig Half Marathon here I come!

I better run. I need to get my comptuer shut down and start the walk across campus in the rain for my first final. Boo. Only about five more hours and this quarter is OVER!!

Looking for suggestions!

2011-03-10T17:54:00.004-05:00

I'm sitting here on the couch, staring out at our backyard and cursing the fact that it's snowing...again. I freaking hate Ohio weather. We've had so many days of 50 degree weather lately and now it's snowing again. Granted, it's not supposed to accumulate (at least not here in Cincinnati it's not) but the point is is that it's 30 degrees and snowing outside. I thought we were past this and moving on to spring. Blah.

I had an interesting hour and a half phone call with Mike last night about religion and spirituality which was sparked by a facebook comment that Vince made. I went into the phone call intending to prove Mike wrong and instead, I ended up with more questions than answers. I'm looking forward to finals being over because I want to dig deeper on some of the topics we were talking about. Next quarter is going to be a little bit easier than this quarter so I'll have some extra time to really dig into the Word and find out just what it is that the Bible says on certain topics.

The conversation came at a perfect time for me because I've felt like I've been in a valley and a funk lately so I love that I'm excited about getting back into my Bible reading again. I truly believe God brings people around at the time you need them most so He knew I needed that conversation with Mike last night.

I was home sick today...again. I think this time it may have been something I ate. We had tacos for dinner at Tym and Amy's apartment last night and my mom asked me if we had cooked the meat all the way. I thought we had but maybe we didn't. Or maybe I just ate too much. I don't know. All I know is I tossed and turned with an upset stomach last night and then woke up this morning with stomach cramps and vomiting. I finally fell asleep around 8ish and slept until 1:30 this afternoon. I was able to eat a bland peanut butter sandwich this afternoon but my stomach is still queasy. I can't open our refrigerator without getting nauesous from the smell of the hard boiled eggs my mom made last night.

Finals are on Tuesday. I really need to start studying. I arranged to leave work early on Tuesday so I could study for a few solid hours before my Career Development final, which is the one I'm worried the most about. I'm glad he gave us a study guide this time around and I'm hoping it will help.

Alright, finally what I need suggestions for. I'm creating a new playlist for the Heart Mini Marathon 15k I'm running next weekend and I'm looking for suggestions of fun, upbeat songs to keep me going. I'm getting pretty tired of my playlist so anything is welcome!

I'm off to study. This quarter is almost over...!

Little blessings

2011-03-07T23:04:00.003-05:00

I've been in a funk for the last couple of weeks and I finally managed to come out of it in the last 24 hours. I've been dealing with some things that have happened and things that have been said to me and just trying to process what God has planned for me during the next year of my life.

After some serious soul searching and some much needed tears and talks with the people who have upset me, I decided to let everything go and BELIEVE that God has a plan for me and that He isn't done with me yet. After all, my word of the year for 2011 is believe and if I give up now, I'm letting Satan win. God never gives us more than we can handle and this is no different. I know this is vague and I prefer to leave it that way. I just simply want to remind myself that it's all about belief and trusting that God's plan is always better.

I need to write this entry to talk about the little blessing that came my way tonight. As everyone knows, I'm training for a half marathon that I'll run on May 1st. I'm still a very slow runner but I absolutely love running and the confidence it has given me. Since starting my training I've run two 5k's and a 10k with a 15k lined up for this month on the 20th as my last big race before the half marathon.

Well, I kept putting off registering for the race because of different financial problems that have come up and had planned on registering with my tax refund, which then went to my car and the stupid fuel pump that needed replaced. Since I put it off, I was at a point tonight that I honestly didn't think I was going to be able to afford to run it and was planning on giving up the race and just doing a regular 9 mile long run that weekend. I mentioned it in passing to Denise yesterday at church who then mentioned it to Jon last night.

Jon and Denise have decided that I've come too far in my training and have been looking forward to this race for too long to let me give it up now. Jon told Denise I have worked too hard to get to this point that money should not be the issue for why I can't run a race that I've been looking forward to for months. They have offered to pay my registration so that I can run the 15k in two weeks!

I kept telling Denise at the gym tonight that I can't ask her and Jon to do that, especially since she's running the half marathon that morning and that race is more expensive than mine. She told me that I wasn't asking, that they were offering because I've worked too hard and have come too far to give up on a race I've been looking forward to for months now. I teared up while we were running on the treadmill because their support has meant the world to me as I've been training for the last several months.

I honestly could not make this without them. They are my biggest cheerleaders and push me when I don't think I can go any further. To pay for a race I've been looking forward to for months is just another reason why they are such a blessing to me. Without such an incredible support system, I probably would have abandoned my training months ago and just tossed this aside as one of my many crazy ideas that I never saw through. With Denise and Jon in my life, this is one goal I'll actually meet. I can't wait to cross that finish line on May 1st and prove to myself that I can do anything I set my mind to. What an incredible feeling that will be.

On my political soap box

2011-03-02T23:26:00.002-05:00

This is your warning. I'm going to get up on my political soap box so if you don't want to hear it, I advise you to leave now. With that being said, here goes nothing.

Today the Ohio Senate passed Senate Bill 5, a bill that I, as a current and future educator, am strongly opposed to. I don't know all of the logistics of the current bill, but the biggest factor of it angers me as an educator. Under this bill, public employees are no longer going to be allowed to do collective bargaining. What this means for me as an educator is that I can kiss my union goodbye. Public employees will no longer have the ability to negotiate their contracts and their benefits, such as health care, retirement plans, vacation time, and sick days. Under this same bill, educators will no longer be paid on a salary scale based on their degree and the number of years they've worked, but instead will be paid on a merit scale, meaning that districts will be paid by their test scores. The lower your test scores, the lower you're paid district wide. It's not fair to those teachers who bust their asses to make sure their students excel while other teachers sit back and don't care because they know they're getting paid regardless of how much (or how little) work they put into their jobs.

On top of Senate Bill 5 in Ohio, there is a current national bill in the House of Representatives that the House majority just recently passed. H.R. 1 is calling for cuts of $10.6 billion for fiscal year 2011. This bill will eliminate the elementary and secondary school counseling program, which is funded at $55 million. It will also include cuts to other crucial programs such as Pell Grants and Tech Programs.

What does this mean for me? It pretty much means I'm screwed. As the whole world knows, I'm working towards a Master's in School Counseling. If they cut the elementary and secondary school counseling program, then that means my degree is pretty much obsolete. Does this mean UC is going to give me my money back if my degree is now going to be non-existent? How the hell am I spending three years of my life working towards a degree that I may not be able to use in the next couple of years? Had I known about this, I would have chosen to pursue my Master's in something else. Instead, I chose education because it's what I'm passionate about. I know teaching itself isn't my passion but counseling is. I chose school counseling because I love the education field and I want to make a difference in the lives of students who are experiencing problems such as child abuse, alcoholism, and other issues that make them at risk for dropping out of school and not going to college. I want to be that advocate, the person who shows them they have options. I love everything about education. I just know teaching isn't my passion.

I don't understand these legislators who think that my job isn't important. How can they think an English teacher can do my job?? If I have to have a license to do what I want to do, then how are you going to sit here and tell me you can cut my job and just have a teacher handle the scheduling and testing? When are they supposed to have time to teach if they're worrying about testing and scheduling? It's no wonder then that our students aren't passing tests and making the grade. Their teachers are being asked to do jobs that aren't in their job description and not being given enough time to actually teach. This is why my job is crucial. I handle the testing, the scheduling, and the mental health piece of the student's day so that the teachers can do what they're hired for-to teach.

I admire all the things that teachers do and all the experiences they go through in the classroom with their students but I don't think it's fair that my job is one of the first put on the chopping block simply because the teachers are supposedly capable of handling what I will have spent three years and two national exams being certified for. It's not right and it's not fair.

Educators, we need to take a stand and oppose these pieces of legislation that are attempting to step on our toes and threaten our jobs. I'm not going down without a fight. I haven't busted my ass for two years to get to this point where I'm simply a year and an internship away from a job that I'm passionate about. I didn't waste all of this money on a degree that will become obsolete because legislators think they know what's best for our districts and our students. It's time we make a stand and be the voice that our students can't be. We need to fight for our jobs, our districts, and our students. I'm not going down without a fight. This isn't over. If we don't take a stand, the education system in America is just going to continue going down the drain. It's time to fight to take our schools back and give our students the education that they deserve.

Trying to hold on

2011-03-01T14:11:00.002-05:00

I'm struggling. Last night's entry was just the beginning. I get like this at the end of every quarter. Or so it feels anyway. I start to feel restless and ready to make a change. I'm so glad I'm graduating before UC converts to semesters because I don't know how anyone does this for 16 weeks. I'm so over my 10 week quarter at this point.

I don't know why I constantly want more than I have. I know there's a reason for every season of life that you walk through but for whatever reason, I just can't shake this current funk I'm in. It makes me upset to think that (it seems anyway) that everyone has what I want. Marriage, a home away from their parents, and now they're starting in on families. I know I chose this path and I believe whole heartedly that this is God's plan for my life but man, sometimes this loneliness sucks. And it's not even about being lonely. I was telling one of my co-workers yesterday that even if I found someone I wanted to date, I wouldn't have time for him. Between work, school, and training for the half marathon, I don't have time to date.

I know that God is supposed to be my all and I know that He gives you the desires of your heart as you trust in Him and follow His plan for your life. If that's the case, then why do I get myself into these funks? Why do I constantly feel as if something is missing?? This doesn't hit often but man when it does hit it hurts and it sucks.

Quite honestly, my big thing right now is wanting to be in Denver. I have never felt so torn between two places before. I miss the part of my life that is out in Denver, the strong connection with the people who are so much like me it's scary. But I know that, on the other hand, when (if)I do move out there, that then my heart will miss this part of my life and the people here who make every day of my life so incredible.

I'm just at a loss right now. I don't like feeling as if things are in an upheaval. I wish things could get squared away with my internship (don't even get me started on that rant!) because then maybe some of this stress would melt into the woodwork. I think the uncertainty of next year and then next summer is really starting to get to me. If I could just get things squared away and lined up, then I would be fine. Or I hope.

I need to go for a drive to my favorite spot on the river and just sit there and think. If I didn't have class in an hour and a half I would be headed there right now. Instead, I'm sitting here in the student center where I just got done crying on the phone with my sister. I was doing homework and then she called me, followed shortly by Mike calling from Denver. Why he called me in the middle of the day I'm still not sure because we have a phone date scheduled for tonight. It did my heart a world of good though to be able to sit and vent for about half an hour and to have the sensible side of me listen and actually give me feedback. I'm looking forward to talking again tonight because he gets me like no one else does. My mom always said gay guys make the best of friends and she is so right. My life would be a mess without him.

Okay I should probably start making my way across campus to class. Blah. I'm so glad this quarter is over in two weeks.

Antsy

2011-02-28T22:45:00.004-05:00

Today has been a really weird day. It was a good day at work because I only had ten kids all day and had dropped to seven by the time they all got up from nap. However, I couldn't shake this weird feeling I had as if everything was about to change and that something just wasn't right. Then, by the time I got home from work, I was feeling antsy, as if I needed to escape. Had it not been so cold, I would have gone down to my favorite spot on the river to think but the weather turned bitter this afternoon so I came home from work instead.

I think I'm at a crossroads. I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and I'm beginning to realize that I only have a year of school left. I wish I knew what was going on with my internship but my advisor hasn't gotten back to me about whether she's been in touch with the counselor at the school I want to intern at so I don't even know if I should continue to look or if I should keep waiting.

I'm so ready to move past this chapter of my life. I'm over studying, writing papers, and the long commutes to campus every week. I'm ready to settle into my career and see where God takes me next. Things are slowly (and I mean very slowly because it's still a ways off) falling into place for me to move out to Denver. I told Mike tonight on the phone that if I can't find a job in an actual school district (I'm crossing my fingers that's not the case!) that I can always find a preschool job similar to the one I have now until I can find a job in an actual school district. I'm also going to look at jobs in the social services field, though by next year it'll have been four years since I've used that degree. Something will pan out if Denver is truly where God wants me. I just need to be patient and trust that He's going to reveal His plan to me in the coming year.

Right now, I'm finding it hard to live in this moment and cherish this period in my life because I feel as if I've been spending a lot of time on my own. I have another friend on the verge of engagement and while I'm happy for her, I can't help but feel as if I'm losing her. Of course I can't tell her this but I think she's aware of it. Things are changing and as much as I don't like it, I'm starting to get used to all the time I'm spending alone. It's just another reason that it'll be easy for me to move to Denver. I know moving to Denver is not the way to solve this season in my life but at least I know my friends will all be married off and I won't be leaving them alone when I move.

I'm just....I don't even know. I wish I could describe these thoughts and feelings going through my mind. I've been sighing all night and my stepdad kept asking me what was wrong. I can't put into words what I'm feeling. It's not exactly empty, but it's close. I just can't shake the feeling that everything is changing and I'm going to be the one sitting and left behind when it does. I don't know. I don't even know if this makes any sense. I just don't feel right tonight. I thought blogging might help but now I'm just talking myself in circles.

I'm going to bed. Maybe some sleep will help.

I travel too much

2011-02-26T23:45:00.003-05:00

I travel too much. I know this to be a fact. And I definitely just signed up for another hotel rewards program and linked it to my frequent flyer miles card through Southwest Airlines to earn miles for staying in various hotels. I now have frequent flyer cards through Southwest, Delta, and AirTran, and I have hotel reward cards through Choices Hotels and Wyndham Rewards. I officially need to get a life. haha

Someone recently made a comment to me that they think I travel too much and they asked me if I was rich. No, I am not rich and yes I travel a lot so what business is it of yours? I was bothered by it until I talked to my mom who reminded me that I don't have a husband, I don't have kids, and I have a job that currently allows me the flexibility to take time off to travel when I want to so why not take advantage of it while I can? Once I'm done with my Master's I'll become a slave to a traditional school schedule and will have to fight the other travelers who are doing the same thing over spring break, winter break, and summer. If I can travel now in the middle of the year, why not do it??

I blame my travel bug on my stepdad. We never took family vacations growing up so he wanted to take us to all the places I never got to go as a kid. Our first family trip was to Gatlinburg, Tennessee the first summer we lived in Cincinnati, followed just a few months later by my first trip to Disney. In the years that have followed we've been to Disney, Myrtle Beach, and Gatlinburg as a family. I've also been to Disney with friends, along with the Bahamas. Oh and we can't forget the summer I flew to Baltimore to visit Megan and we went into Washington D.C. for a day. Plus I've traveled to Denver on my own to visit family so it drives me crazy to go for months without being able to go anywhere.

Vince and I talked about going to Europe for spring break but that fell through so now I'm itching to get away again. I hate that by the time I leave for Denver in June it'll have been six months since I've been anywhere. I chose not to take my full spring break off of work so I could have two weeks off to go to Denver in June but man I'm kicking myself for that now. I don't know where I would have gone but even a couple of days out of Cincinnati would have been fun. That's okay though because I took a couple days off and Vince is coming to visit so we'll just do some fun stuff around here and I'll just keep anxiously counting down to my visit to Denver in June.

I e-mailed one of my friends from college and asked her if she wanted to go on a cruise the week after Christmas. My travel bug is itching to get out of the country again and I think Lauren and I would have a ball together. Plus we know we travel well together because we did spring break together in college so I think it would be so fun. I'm now anxiously waiting for her to e-mail me back to tell me I'm crazy or to agree to go with me! haha

Okay, enough of my travel rambles. I'm going to go dream some more of vacation plans. :-P

Summer plans

2011-02-25T20:39:00.002-05:00

The end of winter quarter is rapidly approaching and this time I should be using to study for finals has actually been spent dreaming about summer. My brain is just in Denver mode and that's going to make getting through one more quarter tough. My visit is soooo close and Mike and I have been starting to hash out the small details, like my drive out and where my halfway point is going to be. It's been kind of fun surfing different websites, looking for deals on hotels and what not. I'm pretty sure my halfway point is going to be Columbia, Missouri which is about an eight and a half hour drive from here. We'll see how it all plays out.

I'm taking the state boards while I'm in Colorado to get my counseling license out there and then will study the rest of the summer to take the Comps to graduate from UC and then the Praxis to get my Ohio license. I'm also taking a class the second half of summer, which will run me right into the beginning of my internship. This summer is going to be full of studying but by the end of next summer (2012), I'll have my Master's degree!!! It'll be well worth it in the end and I'm so glad the end is near. I'm tired of being busy all the time and I'm just ready to be done with this chapter of my life (school wise anyway).

Okay, I should go get some stuff done. I need to clean my bedroom and my bathroom and I do need to do some homework too. That's pretty much my exciting weekend.

Half marathon training week 5

2011-02-22T18:17:00.003-05:00

This winter has proven to be a trying experience for my half marathon training. I feel as if I've been sick all winter long which is really bringing my training to a halt. Last week was another week where I only got one run in because I got sick on Wednesday and have been sick ever since.

My goal for my long run last week was nine miles in preparation for the Heart Mini Marathon, followed by another nine mile run this coming weekend before scaling back to start conserving energy for the race. Since that hasn't happened, I'm starting to wonder if maybe I should call off my 15k and just focus on finishing my training for the half. I honestly don't know if my body will be ready for a 9.3 mile race in three and a half weeks. I want it, badly, even if it means walking it, but I just don't know if I'm going to be ready.

This has been the sickest I've been in what seems like years. I don't know why that is, but it's really screwing with my training. Denise keeps reassuring me I'm fine and I have plenty of time but when I take more than one night off of running, my mental battles flare up and then I just get discouraged. Part of me is so ready to throw in the towel but I feel like I've come too far for that.

I know that part of my training is admitting what I'm capable of at the moment so right now I need to decide if I'm ready for a 15k or if I should just back off and keep focusing on the big goal of 13.1 miles in May. Decisions, decisions. I just need to keep myself from getting discouraged so hopefully getting back to the gym this weekend will help. I sure hope so.

Thoughts on the future

2011-02-16T23:54:00.002-05:00

I don't typically blog twice in one day but I need to settle my mind down so I can get some sleep to go back to work tomorrow.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about the future tonight because I just sent eight different e-mails to various school counselors to try and set up an internship for next year. I'm at the "holy crap!" period of my Master's degree because I can't believe it's time to start thinking about this already. How have the last two years gone by so quickly?!? If I were in the program full time and not part time, I'd be graduating in four weeks. I'm going to miss my co-hort but I'm thankful for the fact that Jen is part time too and will be there with me all next year. I couldn't make it through this without her.

After I graduate next spring, I really want to move out to Denver. I know I've been saying it a lot, but it's been on my mind a lot. I'm so serious about it that come next paycheck, I think I'm going to go to a different bank and open up just a savings account and start depositing money into it with each paycheck and refund check from UC. The boys have offered to let me live with them until I can get on my feet and a place of my own, something I am extremely thankful for. I'm going out for two weeks this summer so we'll test the waters and see if I can make it without wanting to kill them. haha

I just spent the last half hour surfing different school district websites and keeping my eye on the job market. Of course, it's still early to be posting jobs for the next school year but I like to keep my eyes open anyway. I'm hoping and praying that when it comes to this time next year and I'm applying for real jobs that I'll be able to find something. I'm going to apply here in Cincinnati and Northern Kentucky as well but honestly my heart is in Denver and that's where I really want to be.

I know that if this is God's plan for my life that it'll all work out and He'll provide a way for me to get out there. For now, I just keep praying for me to be content in whatever His plan is for me, even if Denver isn't meant to be. I never thought I'd want to leave the place that's been home for the last ten years but I've had Denver on the brain for the last year ever since visiting the boys for the first time.

I don't know if this has made any sense or if I'm just babbling. There's a real entry one back. For now I think I need to sleep.

One of those weeks

2011-02-16T12:42:00.004-05:00

It's only Wednesday and I'm already having one of those weeks. It actually started on Friday evening and has just gone from there.

Friday night sometime between 11 p.m. and noon on Saturday some stupid person decided to spray paint the side of my car. Originally we thought it was an isolated incident but then discovered that whoever had done it had also spray painted a set of mailboxes in our neighborhood and someone's garage door. I filed a police report and a claim with my insurance but luckily magic eraser takes it off without taking my paint off so I'm not going to have to pay to have it repainted.

The one perk to the week has been my incredible best friend because she sent me these amazingly gorgeous flowers for Valentine's Day. They were delivered to me at work and after a long, rough day they were much welcomed. I am so lucky to have such an incredible best friend.

Then yesterday after work my check engine light came on. I've already been having problems with my car not wanting to start properly and this just added to it. I dropped the car off at the mechanic's last night who called me today with a final price. I don't even want to talk about how expensive it is but I'm thankful at least that the mechanic is willing to work with me and let me pay for most of it now and then the rest out of my next couple of paychecks.

Today I woke up with a low grade fever which isn't suprising because I knew it was just a matter of time before I ended up sick. My whole class has been passing around this fever and stomach bug and I finally came down with the fever. I feel okay right now which is good but hopefully it won't be like the rest of the class where it goes away and then spikes up again later.

I'm just having one of those weeks and am more than ready for it to be over.

Half marathon training week 4

2011-02-13T23:27:00.004-05:00

Well, if I thought last week's training was an epic fail, then this week definitely surpasses it. I didn't run at all this week and I'm still trying to figure out where things went wrong and why I didn't end up running.

I had a breakdown before church this morning to Denise who quickly assured me that I was fine and that maybe we just needed to reassess my training plan. She reminded me that my running is something I'm doing for me and that it should be fun and not stressful. If I stress over it, I'm just going to end up mentally setting back my own training so I need to figure out what is going to work best for me and then go from there.

After much discussion this morning, I am contemplating changing my next race from a 15k down to a 10k. I'm just at a point right now where I don't know for sure that I can pull out 9.3 miles in a few weeks. I know I can handle 6.2 (a 10k) and that running a 10k instead of a 15k is NOT a setback in my training. There is NO reason that I can't still finish the half in May if I choose to run a 10k instead of a 15k. It's just being realistic about my abilities at the moment instead of trying to put my body through something it's just simply not ready for.

I knew coming into this that training for the half wasn't going to be easy but I never expected there to be so many barriers that popped up. However, I am still certain I want to do this and plan to keep pushing through until I cross that finish line in May. I still want this...badly...and I'm willing to work through those barriers that pop up from time to time.

I know I say it in every entry I write, but I truly, honestly COULD NOT do this without Denise. She is my rock and my encouragement and without her I would fall apart. Oh and we can't forget her amazing husband Jon too who is pushing both of us and cheering both of us on as we both work towards our goal of the Pig in May! He is our biggest cheerleader and I know I for one love the encouragement he provides us with and how he cheers us on during some of the tougher moments of training.

Yes, it wasn't the best of weeks training wise but tomorrow starts a new day and a new chance to get back on track and keep working towards my goal. I CAN and WILL finish this half in May!

And now, just for an additional bit of encouragement, a reminder of the day I decided to run the half and the excitement of watching Denise finish her first full marathon! This is my inspiration to keep going!

Half-marathon training week 3

2011-02-06T23:41:00.003-05:00

I can sum up my training this week in two words: epic fail. I only ran once this week. Once. That's it. Looking back on my week and then having a talk with my mom I now realize several reasons for why this happened and several places I need to make some changes.

Monday 1/31/11:
I didn't run this night because I had waited until the night before to write a six page paper I had due on Tuesday. My plan was to get the paper done by a certain time and do some cardio on the Wii but that definitely did not happen. I finished my paper at 11 and crashed hard.

Wednesday 2/2/11:
I had an INCREDIBLE run this night. I did four miles in 1:05, my best time yet! I think I've discovered the secret to getting a pre-run energy boost: smoothies! I had stopped for a smoothie on the way home because I needed a pick me up and didn't want caffeine so I opted for a healthier choice and had a smoothie instead. That gave me energy like no other and not only did I have my best time yet, but I pushed myself a bit harder which was so fun. I think people thought Denise and I were crazy because as soon as I hit that four mile mark and realized I had cut my time down I hit the stop button and started cheering. I needed a good run to make up for some tough runs I've had lately.

Sunday: 2/6/11:
I had eight miles scheduled for yesterday or today and didn't do them. I spent all day yesterday studying before hosting an Arbonne party and then today I went to my cousin's dance recital and spent the day with my family before chaperoning our youth Super Bowl party. The party also meant I ate like crap because I caught myself snacking on all the junk the kids and youth leader had brought and I hadn't had any water today, which also didn't help. I feel so bloated because I didn't eat anything good today and I'm just now drinking water.

The nightmares I've been having lately aren't helping my mental stability either. I'm at a point where tonight, the idea of turning out the lights terrifies me. I had a talk with my mom about them, especially my concerns over the fact that last night's nightmare was about having seizures and she said she thinks a lot of my problem right now is that I'm being way too hard on my body. The running she agrees is good for me but she told me that I need to continue watching what I eat and start getting rest. I've been staying up til all hours studying and then still getting up at 6:30 every morning for work. It's why I crash so hard and so long on the weekends. My body is trying to compensate for the damage I'm doing to it during the week. She told me that when I do finally fall asleep, I crash hard and my body is having trouble distiniguishing whether I'm having a nightmare or whether I'm awake. It's why I can't make myself wake up-I'm just so exhausted that my body simply can't make itself wake up and shake off the nightmares I've been having.

Starting Tuesday night (not tomorrow because I have a midterm Tuesday I plan to study for until at least 11), I'm going to start setting a cut off time for being on the phone, online, and even studying. I need to start getting some rest or I'm going to do some serious damage to my body with all the stress I already put it through when I run long distances. I'm not in college anymore and even though I'm only 26, my body just simply can't handle the late nights anymore. I need to start listening to it and taking care of myself.

I was also going to skip my run tomorrow night since Denise and I run at 9 but I think what I'm going to do is since I typically get off early on Mondays since my class is so low, I'm just going to use that extra little bit of time right after work and head to the gym. I only have to do three miles tomorrow so I can easily get to the gym by 5:30, do my three mile run, and still be home by 7 at the latest after I stretch. That gives me until at least midnight to study and if I don't know the material by then, then I don't know it.

So what have I learned this week even though I only ran one day?? I need to start listening to my body and sleeping when I'm tired at night and keeping myself on a schedule so I don't throw everything off wack. I've also learned that smoothies give me an energy boost before a run so who needs caffeine right?? I think the best thing I came to realize this week is that I'm getting faster and stronger and I will finish this half in May!!

Nightmares

2011-02-06T09:23:00.002-05:00

Lately I've been finding myself having nightmares ALL the time. I don't know what's gotten into my head lately but I don't like it. A lot of times I can't remember what the nightmare was and just wake up feeling as if something isn't right and feeling off all day long. Today is different because I actually remember the nightmare and it was like living part of my past all over again.

The summer before 4th grade, I had grand mal seizures. Three of them to be exact. The night they happened, my sister and I were camping out on my parent's bedroom floor because their's was the only room with an air conditioner that ran at night. In the middle of the night, I woke up and thought I was shivering. When I tried to move to pull the blankets up on me, I couldn't move. It was like I was frozen other than the shaking. I called out for my mom and couldn't even get the words out because of the seizure. Luckily my mom knew exactly what was happening because she had gone through this with her dad. She screamed for my dad to call 911 and held my arms down at my side so I couldn't hurt myself as I was having the seizure.

I was taken to the hospital and had all kinds of tests run but the doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me. They sent me for MRI's later that week which came back inconclusive and still had no idea what had happened. In the midst of all this testing, I had several more small seizures before the doctors decided that they should put me on medication. From 4th grade until 7th grade, I was on anti-seizure meds and terrified to go anywhere without my mom because I was afraid it would happen again. We had to tell all of my teachers about it, who then at first tried to treat me differently but since my mom was PTA president, that ended quickly because my teachers knew they'd face her wrath if they kept singling me out. :-P I never spent the night with friends, not even my best friend who lived right behind us because I was terrified it would happen in the middle of the night again and no one would know what to do for me.

In 7th grade, my pediatrician decided that he was going to start weaning me off of the medication to see how my body would react. Since they never found a medical reason for the seizures, he thought maybe my body had outgrown them, since that's what happens in certain cases with kids, especially as they hit puberty. Sure enough, he weaned me off the meds and I've never had another seizure since.

That's what makes last night so terrifying. I honestly felt like I was having a seizure. I kept crying out for my mom but no one was responding. At some point I realized I was dreaming and kept trying to force my eyes open and my body awake but my body wasn't listening. I thought for sure I was truly screaming out loud but since I was at my aunt's and my little cousins were sleeping on the couch and the recliner next to me, I know that I must not have been because they didn't once wake up. It was the most terrifying feeling trying to tell my body to do something and it not responding the way I wanted it to. That's exactly what happened when I had the seizures in elementary school.

Eventually I was able to force my eyes open and my body awake and I just laid on the couch with my heart pounding, terrified to go back to sleep because I was afraid it would happen again. Eventually sleep won out and I did fall back asleep and slept until the kids woke me up about 8ish but it wasn't a restful sleep since I feel completely groggy and out of it right now.

A big part of me knows last night was just a nightmare but a very, very tiny part of me is doubting it and wondering if I did have a small seizure last night. I know that's crazy to say but it's how I feel. This is the second or third time in a couple of weeks ths has happened and I think it's just got me all worked up and unsure of what to think about it. It's just such a terrifying feeling to feel as if you have no control over your body as you try to force yourself awake and feel like you can't move. It was like living that night years ago all over again and that is one night I really don't wish to relive.

Maybe I'll talk to my mom when I get home this afternoon. She's a nurse and should be able to tell me if I was just dreaming or if I should be concerned. I'm just completely freaked out right now. :-/

Half marathon training week 2

2011-01-30T21:41:00.002-05:00

This past week's training actually went really well. I ended the week with my long run and feeling confident about my ability to finish the 15k I'm training for at the end of March. I love when I have training runs that leave me with confidence and what makes it even better is that my best friend complimented me tonight and told me how skinny I looked. I sometimes struggle to see progress when I look in the mirror so to hear those words tonight meant a lot to me, even if she didn't know it.

Monday 1/24/11:
Monday night was a three mile short run, which was good because I was recovering from my long run the day before. The three miles flew by because Denise and I were chatting and I once again enjoyed sprinting at the end of the run. That's become my favorite part of running because I know I've reached my goal and have crossed that "finish" line.

Wednesday 1/26/11:
Wednesday should have been another three mile run but I had completely screwed up my school schedule for spring quarter, along with thinking I had ruined my plan of graduating next spring (2012) by messing up next quarter so I spent the evening in front of my computer crying and cursing myself for making such a stupid mistake. Luckily hours later I corrected it, but at the expense of missing my run.

Sunday 1/30/11:
Today was my long run day and I had seven miles scheduled for today. Since the temperature outside actually reached 40 today, Denise and I decided to get in a couple of miles outside. She's training for the Disney Princess Half-Marathon in a couple of weeks and had ten miles to do and I had my seven and we just couldn't bare the thought of being stuck inside on a treadmill for two and a half hours when it was so beautiful outside. We started out with a one mile warm up on the treadmill and then headed outside for one of our favorite three mile loops which goes 1.5 miles each way.

The first couple of miles in any run is tough for me and about two miles in I was asking myself why I had signed myself up for this torture but by the end of those first 2.5 miles when we reached the farm that's our turn around and my legs had officially gone numb, I remembered how great it makes me feel. The last time Denise and I did this three mile loop it was 90 degrees outside and the first time I had ever run three miles. Today it was nothing to run those three miles!

By the time we got back indoors, I had no feeling left, both from the fact that I had gotten chilly outside and because I was four miles into a seven mile run and everything had gone numb. I didn't think I was going to be able to finish out the seven miles I had to do today but I pushed myself, even though it meant walking the last three miles. I had about a tenth of a mile left to go in the final part of my run so I decided I was going to sprint it out, since that's how I love to end a run. Well, that lasted for all of a second because I got a HUGE cramp in my leg that spread all the way down to my toes and I had to literally stop and work it out so I could finish the last little bit of my run. Let me tell you, stretching after my run had never felt so good as it did today!

Things I've learned this week in my training:
--Sleep is so important! I actually got a good night's sleep last night because I overslept my alarm and missed church today so I had the energy needed to complete my run. Had I not slept well, I don't think I could have made it through seven miles.

--Hydration is also important. I drank the equivalent of nine glasses of water while at the gym today and that helped lessen the cramps I've been dealing with. I carried my water bottle with me during our three mile outdoor run which helped. I need to start making sure I drink more water throughout the week as well because I think it will be beneficial in the long run.

--I need to start trying some of the different chewy things Denise bought me when I run longer than an hour. My energy level dropped after the first four miles and I had to force myself to finish those last three. I know my body needs to replenish nutrients and what not from running so I'm going to need to figure out what I like and take them with me during training runs so I can get an energy boost during my longer runs.

--Having an awesome training partner is so important because you know you have a built in support system, someone who is going to be beside you during your more difficult runs, someone who will push you when you don't think you can go any further. It helps me to have the accountability, someone who is going to see me through my training and ask me how I'm doing. It also helps knowing I have someone waiting for me at the gym, because I don't think I could ever make myself go without her there. I don't know what I'm going to do when she's in Florida during my 9.3 mile run in a few weeks, my last long run before the 15k. Guess I'll have to fire up the ipod, do some time outside if possible, and just push through. It'll probably be the worst mental battle to make it, but knowing Denise will be asking me how it went, I know I have to do it! I could never, ever make it through this training without her by my side.

All in all, I consider this a great training week. I feel confident about where I am and it encourages me to get through another week of training. I know I can do this and I'm going to be able to look back on this week and remind myself that while there will be bad runs, there will be so many more good runs that outweigh them.

Things I've learned being a graduate student

2011-01-29T21:49:00.004-05:00

I just got done soaking in a bubble bath while reading for class and was thinking about all the things I've learned since being a graduate student so I thought I'd share them here so you can all experience what my life has been like for the last year and a half.

--You learn to survive on five hours of sleep a night. I haven't slept for more than five hours a night unless I've been sick. Between work, late night study sessions, papers, and training for the half marathon, I'm lucky if I sleep at all. Surprisingly my body has learned to adapt pretty well and I'm learning to function on five hours of sleep again, something I haven't done since college.

--You run on pure caffeine and adrenaline rushes. I can't make it through one full day without at least 16 ounces of caffeine a day, which is so bad for my body. Since I stay up so late doing homework and studying, I typically either start my day with caffeine or go out on my lunch break at work for caffeine. I can't make it through a day without caffeine or else I find myself in a fog and unable to function. I've also learned to run on adrenaline while finishing assignments and running. It's ridiculous how my body functions anymore.

--The bath tub is a great place to do homework. I get most of my reading for class done while soaking in a bubble bath because there are no distractions in there. No cell phone, no tv, no one talking to me, nothing. It's just me, my textbook, and a highlighter. Not only do I get reading done, but I also feel relaxed when I get out. It's the perfect study spot!

--Exercise and running is good for my soul and my stress levels. I never thought I'd ever write that sentence, but it's so true. My time at the gym three days a week is so good for me. I can run out all of my frustrations on the treadmill, punch out my stress on the punching bags, and just work out all of the things I have on my mind. I leave the gym those three nights feeling like a whole new person. It amazes me how good exercise can be for the soul.

--Your social life is pretty much non-existent. I haven't seen my best friend in weeks because all I do is work, go to school, and run. I went out last night for the first time in awhile because my weekends are consumed with paper writing, studying, and running. Luckily my family and friends are understanding and cheer me on, even when I don't have the time to spend with them. I hate that I'm always so busy because I chose to go to grad school at home so I could be near the people I care about and at this rate, I may as well have gone away for as often as I get to spend time with them!

--The time off between quarters is heaven sent. I live for my breaks in between quarters because it means I can sleep and live a normal life, even if for a few short weeks. The first two days of any break I'm typically dead to the world because I usually crash hard and sleep as much as possible to make up for the time I didn't sleep during the quarter. Those breaks are good for me physically, mentally, and spiritually and I go into each new quarter feeling refreshed and ready to take on the world. My only break coming up is spring break because this summer I have to take an online class and study for both the Colorado state boards and the comps at UC so I can graduate. I've decided that this goes along with my non-existent social life because all I'll be doing from now until August is studying and then in August I'll start my internship, along with taking classes so I'll officially pretty much be off the grid until graduation in June of 2012.

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Right now it's dim but I can finally see it. For now, it's time to get back to the books. I've got a six page paper due on three articles on prevention programs in counseling that I haven't even started researching yet. Hello long night, goodbye sleep...

Thoughts on trying new things

2011-01-24T19:32:00.003-05:00

This entry goes along with the one I wrote last night about my first "official" week of half marathon training. I have a feeling that in the next few months, my blog is going to quickly become all about my running and my training so I apologize for those who may be bored reading about running and food all the time.

I've discovered in my weight loss journey through the last couple of years that my greatest struggle is trying new things and my tendency to be an emotional eater. The emotional eating side of me is something that is slowly coming under control because I've started tracking my food and thinking about why I'm eating at a particular time. This leaves the struggle of trying new things.

I'm slowly branching out into the world of trying things that I either used to eat a loooooong time ago or things I never thought I would eat. The problem here is that I've come to realize I have a texture problem. I literally CAN NOT eat fruits and veggies because of the texture of them. Veggies are too raw or too mushy, depending on whether they're cooked or not. Most fruits are too raw, too rubbery, or too bumpy, depending on what I'm trying to eat. Take for example strawberries. I love anything strawberry flavored but I can't eat a strawberry because of the texture from the seeds. I can't eat grapes because they're too rubbery. The list goes on and on.

I typically get my fruits and veggies from juice or smoothies and even then that is few and far between because both juice and smoothies are expensive. I've tried to make home made smoothies by using our blender but can't get the consistency to turn out right so I gave those up in frustration.

I just don't know what more to do. How can you eat healthy if you have a texture problem? I wish I could figure out how to get over this texture issue but it's something I've struggled with since I was a kid. I've tried so many different types of fruits and veggies but just can't get past the texture of them, even if I like the flavor of them.

I want so badly to be able to try new things and get past my texture problem but I'm at a road block and can't figure out what more to do. The idea of trying new things literally freaks me out because of the food's texture. I end up making myself gag over the thought of sticking something with a different texture in my mouth and then I just get mad at myself for not being able to get past this problem and I end up eating stuff that is less healthy for me.

Any suggestions??

Half marathon training week 1

2011-01-23T23:34:00.002-05:00

So I've successfully made it through the first "official" week of my half marathon training. I've obviously been running for about a year now but this begins the countdown to the half on May 1st. I'm still a very slow runner and can only run about a half mile straight before having to walk again but even if I walk/jog, I can maintain a 16 minute mile so I'm right on track to finish before they close the course at the half.

I'm going to start doing weekly entries to recap my training (much like my friend Laura did) so I have something to look back on and something to grow from. Plus, it'll help when (if) I'm training for the full marathon next year.

Monday 1/17/11
It was my first time back at the gym since Christmas, or at least I think it was. The goal for Monday night was three miles, which I made but it was a rough three miles. I had worn regular cotton socks instead of running socks because I felt that it was only three miles and I'd be fine. By the end of the first mile, I had a hot spot on my pinkie toe and had to force myself through the final two miles. I ended up with a small blister by the end of the night but I was proud of myself for making it the full three miles.

Wednesday 1/19/11
I wasn't going to run on Wednesday night because Jon was out of town so Denise was home with the kids. We had arranged to make Wednesday night the night we were going to chat so I could interview her for a paper I'm writing for my Career Development class. Well, I ended up having a rough day at work, followed by getting into a fight with my mom over my car and my emotional eating side wanted to take over and drown my sorrows in food. Instead, I went to the gym and sprinted through two miles which completely took everything out of me, including all of my frustrations and anger. I ended up apologizing to my mom and felt so much better after I had run everything out. It was definitely better than drowning my sorrows in food.

Sunday 1/23/11
Today's goal was seven miles and it was my first long run since before Christmas. Well, I made it five miles, which is great and better than nothing but man, the mental road blocks today were tough. Two miles in I was ready to quit and had I not had Denise beside me, I probably would have given up and gone home. Instead, I trudged through because she wanted me to at least hit 4.5. Well, I hit four and told Denise that if I was going to go 4.5, I might as well push through that last half mile and hit five solid miles and that's exactly what I did. It wasn't without pain and agony (most of it mentally) but I made it. I sprinted the last tenth of a mile and got an adrenaline rush for knowing I had pushed myself through a long run when I didn't think I could do it.

Denise kept reminding me today that we're both bouncing back from a lot of time off and that I can't just go and expect to run seven miles like it's nothing. I need to build myself back up slowly. She kept telling me how great I had done going through five miles and pushing myself and proving that I could do it, even when I thought I couldn't.

I learned today though, how important it is to make sure you get plenty of rest the night before a long run. I stayed up until 2:30 a.m. working on homework and getting caught up from being sick and then still got up early to go to church this morning. I came home and napped for an hour on the couch before my run but I think that just made it worse because then I just wanted to keep sleeping instead of going for a run. From now on, I know I need to get plenty of sleep the night before a long run so I physically have the energy to actually make it through the run.

I knew coming into this training that it wasn't going to be easy but I'm continually amazed by how much running is a mental activity. I'm my own worst enemy when it comes to my runs and I need to stop beating myself up every time I have a difficult run because then it's hard to continue to motivate myself to keep running.

Tonight at church I was talking with one of the other adult sponsors about my run today and later on in the evening, one of my youth stopped me as I was leaving and wished me luck in my training. He told me that he knows I had a rough run today but that he believes in me and knows that I'll meet my goal and finish the race in May.

I tell you, it is moments like tonight that remind me why I love being a youth sponsor and why I love my kids. Not only do I get to pour into them and build them up, but they pour into me and encourage me during some of my darkest moments. I live for nights like tonight and love that this is where my life has taken me.

Tomorrow is a short run/recovery night. I only have to hit three miles tomorrow, most of which I'll probably walk and then I think I'm going to lift some weights. Even after today's difficult run, I can't wait to get back out there and do it all over again.

Things I love

2011-01-18T22:29:00.003-05:00

I have to admit, this entry isn't my idea. It's actually my best friend's idea so she needs all the credit. However, lately I find myself occasionally getting into a "negative nancy" mood so today before class I sat in Panera and had some reflection time where I thought about everything in my life that I love and decided to make it a blog entry I can reflect back on later as a reminder that even when the skies are gray, there are many things in my life I love.

So without further ado, I leave you with things I love (in no particular order):

--Falling asleep to the sound of rain on the roof
--My Bible
--Sitting in the food court of Kenwood Mall having spiritual conversations with great friends
--Driving with the windows down and the music up
--Reading
--Being an advocate for education and school counseling
--My crackberry
--My family, especially all the kids in it
--Running!
--Pushing through a run when it hurts and the rush it brings at the end
--Long conversations on side by side treadmills with my running partner
--Sunday night phone calls with the person I tell everything to
--Walking on a beautiful college campus
--Being downtown and the vibe of city living
--Hanging out with some sweet youth every Sunday night
--Road trips with my best friend, screaming Miley Cyrus at 2 am in the ghetto
--Bengals football and Reds baseball...I love Cincy sports!
--New York Yankees...enough said.
--Blankets fresh out of the dryer
--My multiple Vera Bradley bags
--flip flops and barefeet
--Summertime
--Ohio University on a sunny fall day
--Ohio University on any type of day :-)
--The kids I teach everyday
--80's teen movies like The Breakfast Club and Sixteen Candles
--Holding hands and walking on the river talking about life
--Denver :-)
--Friends who have known you since kindergarten and still love you
--Texts from friends just to say hi because I know I was being thought of at that moment
--My best friend because she brought me to Christ :-)
--My aunt who always loves me and supports me and lets me be such a big part of their lives
--My sister, who I couldn't live without
--Crossing the finish line of a big race and the satisfaction of finishing what I started
--Taking pictures
--Dressing up for a night on the town
--My mom and stepdad for never giving up on me and loving me despite my stupid choices
--Curling up in bed on the weekends with a good book and a cheesy chick flick
--Days I can get by in jeans and a t-shirt with my hair in a ponytail and no makeup on
--My turquoise dyed opal earrings from Denver
--My UC blanket from my bbff
--Hot summer nights at the ballpark
--Long conversations and laughing with my small group
--Sitting in coffee shops reading and people watching
--Smoothies from Smoothie King-you'll win my heart for the day if you bring me one! :-)
--My planner
--Writing in black ink
--Sitting in my favorite spot on the river thinking when I'm alone and having great conversations when with friends
--My sweet running shoes!
--Labor Day weekend in Cincinnati...or let's face it: any weekend in Cincinnati!
--Being a student and learning something new everyday
--Cokes from McDonald's because they taste the best
--Play dates with the world's cutest twin girls
--My nieces and my nephew who stole my heart the day they were born
--My nalgene water bottle
--Getting dressed up and going to the Aronoff with my faves
--My life and the people in it who make it worth living :-)

Racing thoughts...

2011-01-16T01:16:00.002-05:00

My title literally means that I'm laying here thinking about races. It's 1:20 in the morning and all my brain can think about is my marathon training and how I haven't done a long run since before Christmas. Between my back problems, vacation, and then getting sick, I just haven't been to the gym and that's not going to cut it anymore.

My next race is the Heart Mini Marathon 15k (which for all you non-runners is a 9.3 mile race) on March 20th...as in nine weeks from now. Oh yeah. Nine weeks. At most, I've run 6.2 and that was the 10k I ran on Thanksgiving. I haven't done over four miles since then. This is not a good thing, especially since the half marathon (13.1 miles) is in 15 weeks. Oh boy.

I haven't wanted something so badly as I want this in a long time. This is my personal challenge to myself, to prove that I can do anything I set my mind to. And that I train for of course. I don't recommed trying to run anything beyond four miles without training! Every since watching Denise cross the finish line after running the full marathon (26.2 miles) last spring, I have wanted this with every fiber of my being. I've been training since that moment and was doing well up until now. Now I'm just afraid that I've set my own training back and I won't be on course to finish either of the two races I've lined up for myself.

My mom asked me tonight if I had registered yet for the 15k and I told her no, that I wanted to get a couple more long runs in before I registered, just to prove to myself that I am going to be ready for it come March. I know if Denise could hear my thoughts right now she would tell me that I'm fine, that we have plenty of time, and that my training up to this very weekend only has me up to six miles and I know I can pull out six miles so I shouldn't be worrying. I can't help it. All I'm doing is worrying, which is ridiculous. Of all the things going on in my life right now, I'm worried about running. Forget the fact that I'm two weeks behind on reading for class because I've been sick. That's apparently not important. The only thing running through my mind right now is running. (Ha! No pun intended!)

My high school friend Laura is running her first half marathon tomorrow in Arizona and I am so very proud of her! She's come so far in her own weight loss journey and it's been an incredible inspiration to watch her prepare for this half. I wish I could be there in person but I told her I'll be there in spirit cheering her on because I know come May, she'll be doing the same for me.

I'm fine. I've got this. I can run 9.3 miles in nine weeks and then I can run 13.1 miles in 15 weeks. There is NO reason for me to be stressing over this. I just need to get my butt back into gear and get myself back to the gym. The rest will just fall into place.

I have noticed though that when I do run consistently, that my immune system doesn't fail me. Since I haven't run since before Christmas, I've come down with colds, a stomach bug, and now a sinus infection. This should just be proof to me why I shouldn't take time off of running. It's actually doing good things for my body! Now I just need to keep telling myself that.

Whew. Alright. I think I feel better so maybe I can actually get some sleep without stressing over my training. I've got this in the bag. It's go time!

Sick again

2011-01-12T15:28:00.003-05:00

I've been an awful blogger and commenter lately. I've been in bed sick since Monday night so I've been reading, but not commenting because it just takes too much energy. After I write this I may go back to sleep, even though that's all I've done for the last two days. I'm running a fever of 101 and can't keep anything down. I feel hungry but I'm too afraid to eat because I really don't want to get sick again.

We have a staff meeting at work tomorrow night so my goal was to be back at work tomorrow but if my temperature keeps spiking up the way it does, I may have to call in again tomorrow. I really just want to feel better. :-/

Believe

2011-01-09T21:13:00.001-05:00

Each year, I tell myself that I am going to make resolutions and stick to them. Each year, by February or March, those resolutions have gone out the window. Last year, I made several and the only one that I stuck to pretty firmly (though I stumbled occasionally) was to not date for the year.

This year, while I have made goals that I do intend to meet such as trying to pay off credit card debt, paying on student loan interest (remind me to do an entry on my views on college and finances soon), and finishing the half marathon, I decided that I want this year to be a year of spiritual growth. I was encouraged by a post I read by my dear friend Megan who shared that she is following KLove's encouragement of having a word of the year that is Spirit led for the year. Since she shared her word with us, I have spent a lot of time in thought and prayer before deciding that this was how I wanted to approach 2011.

Today, I spent a good chunk of my day in prayer and my word of the year for 2011 is believe. God has been calling me to believe for awhile now and it's time to fully discover what that means. I obviously believe in God and I believe that Jesus died on the cross for my sins but I struggle with truly believing in the promises that He has made and what He's been revealing to me in the last couple of years. I want to spend 2011 finding out what it means to believe God, who He says He is, and the truths and promises He has been breathing into my life in the last few years. I've been thinking a lot today on where I was a couple of years ago and where I am today and the growth I've seen is incredible, but I know there is so much more He wants to teach me and until I can believe, my eyes are not going to be able to see beyond what is right in front of me.

It's time to step out of my comfort zone and dig deep. It's time to believe and start living a spirit filled life that I know He is calling me to. I can't wait to see where 2011 takes me.

Home sweet home

2011-01-03T22:23:00.003-05:00

I'm home from Florida! We got in around 10:30 Saturday night and I have spent the last two days in bed because I've been dealing with back spasms from the 15 hour car drive home. Hopefully tomorrow will be better so I can actually go back to work.

The Bahamas were incredible! When I'm not tired and groggy from the muscle relaxers I've been taking I'll be back with a proper update. For now, I'm going back to bed to sleep off this weird feeling from the muscle relaxers.

Merry Christmas!

2010-12-23T21:55:00.004-05:00

I know I'm a little early but I also know that things are about to get crazy so I wanted to update before I leave the country this weekend. We're spending tomorrow evening at my grandma's with the immediate family to exchange gifts. Saturday I head up to Oxford for Christmas dinner at my aunt and uncle's so long as we don't get all the snow they're calling for. Then Christmas night we're doing our gift exchange with my parents and my sister and brother in law and the kids. Then Sunday morning at 3 a.m. I leave for the Bahamas!!!

Things have been crazy busy for the last couple of weeks. I was finally allowed to run again last Saturday so I've been to the gym twice this week and I'm headed there in the morning for a long run before I leave for vacation this weekend. I only have to do four miles this weekend so it shouldn't take more than an hour to get my run in tomorrow. My sister is also joining Fitworks which is exciting!

Work has been pretty slow. Most of my kids were out this week because they either had parents who were teachers who were off this week or older siblings who were off of school. Many of my students brought me gifts and my favorites have been the home made ones that the kids have made me.

I've been in a funk lately where I haven't felt like being social but have forced myself to be social anyway. It also doesn't help that all of my friends are in relationships lately but me. I hate this time of year because it reminds me of how incredibly lonely I am.

I've been thinking of goals I want to meet next year. I don't want to call them resolutions because I always fail miserably at them so I want these to be goals that I know are attainable in the new year. I'll elaborate on those when I get back from vacation.

My vacation is the biggest thing going on right now! On Sunday two of my co-workers and I are driving down to Cocoa Beach, Florida to spend the night before we sail out on our four day cruise to the Bahamas on Monday! We sail out on Monday and then dock in Cococay, Royal Caribbean's private Island on Tuesday. Megan plans to lay on the beach all day while Michelle and I are going to go snorkeling! It's on my bucket list so I'm excited to cross it off! Wednesday we dock in Nassau and spend the day exploring. Thursday we sail all day and then Friday we dock back in Port Canaveral.

The girls and I are spending New Year's Eve in Orlando at Caribe Royal, this amazing hotel not far from Disney! You can check the hotel out: www.thecaribeorlando.com/caribe-royal/ We got a pretty good deal for one night and we're excited to ring in 2011 somewhere warm! We're going to House of Blues for dinner and then who knows what the night holds! I can't wait to actually do something fun for New Year's for once!

I'm not even dreading the 16 hour car drive each way because I know Megan and Michelle and I will make it fun. I can't wait for this bonding experience. The three of us need this.

For now, I'm off to clean up my room and start packing while I watch Beauty and the Beast on my new to me tv and dvd player from my parents. My mom got my stepdad a blu-ray player for Christmas and then they got a flat screen tv for their room so their bigger tv is now in my room and my tiny little tv from college is now in the kid's room for my nieces and nephew when they stay here.

Alright, I'm seriously off now. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone! See you all when I get back from the Bahamas!!

It's that time of year again

2010-12-12T22:55:00.002-05:00

Well, it's officially that time of year again. The time of year I dread being a teacher. It's wintertime. And with winter comes snow. Words can't even describe the dread I feel when I hear the word snow in the forecast. Ever since I spun out and did a 180 and ended up facing oncoming traffic the Christmas I worked retail, I've been terrified to drive in the snow. Going off the road twice on my way to work last year didn't help either.

This year will be a little bit different because Andrea just got hired at my work and tomorrow is her first day. She's much more comfortable driving in snow and she has four wheel drive so she's going to drive us to work on days that it snows, like tomorrow. It's been steadily snowing here since about 3 this afternoon. It stopped for awhile but there's another band moving in around rush hour tomorrow morning which means it's going to be a nightmare.

The roads are already a mess. I ran to the grocery store before it really started coming down and I slid going around corners and then slid through a stop sign in my neighborhood. While I'm still not looking forward to having to be in a car in the snow in the morning, I'm feeling a little bit better that someone else is driving, someone who is used to driving in crazy weather like this.

All of the local schools are already delaying or closing, including the two districts closest to where I work. It'll be interesting to see if my boss decided to delay us or not. Typically we never close or delay, regardless of how bad it is outside. In the two years I've been at the preschool we've closed once and delayed twice I think. I'm hoping tomorrow will be different, but I don't expect it to be.

It does make me grateful that I don't live in northeast Ohio anymore. I never would have made it as an adult living in Youngstown with the way it always snows there during the winter. We obviously get snow here in Cincinnati because we live in Ohio but it's nothing like the constant snow that Youngstown and Cleveland and the rest of northeast Ohio get. Down here we get a couple of inches and you'd think the world was ending. I'm guilty of that too but I've already explained why I'm so terrified to drive in the snow. I would be perfectly content to move somewhere that it doesn't snow! Or to move to Denver where it snows, but quickly melts because of the higher elevation. I just can't handle driving in it. The thought of driving in snow literally sends me into a panic. I am going to be so grateful and I'm going to owe Andrea for driving to work all winter!

Alright, I'm off t oget to bed because I have to be up 45 minutes earlier than normal so we can leave earlier than normal to make it on time. Still crossing fingers for a delay or a closing!!

Excitement!

2010-12-10T20:53:00.002-05:00

Since my last bitter and upset entry, things have actually started to turn around. I got an e-mail while I was at work today saying that my computer was ready to be picked up! I picked it up from the Geek Squad at Best Buy on my way home from work and was pleasantly surprised and ecstatic to find out that they had managed to save EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING! I didn't lose any of my music, my pictures, or my documents! This is great news because I was devestated at the thought of losing all of my pictures but luckily that didn't turn out to be the case!

The other night I spent three and a half hours at Megan's house taking my Stats final since my computer was at Best Buy. After I had submitted it, our scores were made available and I had failed. And I don't mean by a little. I got a 49% on the final which gave me what I thought was a solid C+ in the class. For our program, we have to get a B- in every graded class we take so I was distraught at the thought of having to retake Stats because I had missed a B- by three tenths of a point.

Imagine my surprise tonight when I logged into blackboard to send my professor an e-mail and found that she had posted our final grades and I got a solid B in the class. Not a C+, not a B-, but a solid B! This means I won't have to retake the class this summer like I thought I would! This also means I won't have to cancel my trip to Denver!! WOO!!

I'm not really sure how I wound up with a B. It looks like she added a point in somewhere but that still should have given me a B- but I'm not complaining. I am so excited that I don't have to retake this class because I hate math so Stats was the bane of my existence this quarter. I'll have to review it a little bit this summer before I take the comps exam to graduate but otherwise I AM DONE FOREVER with Stats! Sweet!

Since school is now officially over for the quarter, I can start looking forward to spending Christmas with my family. I'm also looking forward to Christmas Eve services at my church. We have a candlelight service each year and it's my favorite night of the year to be in church. Then the day after Christmas two of my co-workers and I are headed to Florida for our cruise to the Bahamas on the 27th! We sail from the 27th through the 31st and then we're spending New Year's Eve in Orlando before heading back to Ohio on the 1st. I can't wait because I'm ready for a vacation and because I think it's going to be an amazing bonding experience for Megan, Michelle, and I. :-)

Now I am off to snuggle under my warm fleece blanket and watch The Santa Clause on ABC Family. I love Christmas time. :-)

Rotten timing

2010-12-07T15:10:00.002-05:00

So let's start with the good news shall we? I went to the doctor yesterday and after three and a half hours and a set of xrays, the doctor told me that I was just having muscle spasms. She put me on a steroid package for a week and gave me muscle relaxers to help me sleep shall I need them. I took the first dose last night and I woke up PAIN FREE this morning! I've taken two doses this morning and I'm feeling pretty good. No pain, nothing.

That's the good news. Let's move on to the bad news shall we? I was on runner's world reading an article about marathons and my computer went spastic and started telling me that I need to defrag my computer and that it couldn't find my hard drive and I had no space on my c drive. WHAT?!? So I defragged like it told me to and nothing worked. I started to suspect that I had a virus so I backed up all of my school files and took my computer to the geek squad at Best Buy.
Sure enough, I have some virus that masquerades as a computer program saying you need to scan your computer and as you scan, it slowly wipes out your hard drive. I had to pay $212 so Best Buy can wipe out my hard drive, scan it for viruses, and fix everything. I'm going to lose all of my pictures, files, and music. I don't care about the files because I backed those up since I need them for school. But I'm pissed about the music and the pictures.

Vince says my Itunes should restore itself so I'm hoping that's the case. Most of the music on my Itunes is stuff I uploaded and very little of it is stuff I actually paid for so if that's the case it'll just be a tedious task to reload some of my cds on there. The longest task will be putting my Vince mixes back on there because he doesn't give me a playlist so I have to google all of the lyrics to figure them out! :-P

What rotten freaking timing for this to happen. I still need to take my Stats final so I'm going to use Megan's computer tonight when she gets home from work since my parents computer (which I'm currently using) is super slow. This would happen to me during finals week. Ughhhhh.

I had to wipe out my vacation fund for my cruise the week after Christmas to pay for my computer so now I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to pay for gas and the hotel on my way to Florida. I have a financial aid refund coming on the 27th which will help on the way back but I don't know how I'm going to pay for gas and the hotel on the way there. I cried on the way home from Best Buy because I was so angry.

Why does this kind of stuff always happen to me during finals week?? Something bad happens every quarter during finals. Last quarter I had strep, this quarter my computer crashes. Ugh! I hate my life today.

Pain

2010-12-06T00:01:00.002-05:00

I should be in bed sleeping because I'm exhausted but I'm waiting on the cd Vince made for me to finish uploading to my Itunes. For whatever reason the last three songs have taken about two hours to upload. Ridiculous! Luckily I don't have to be up early because I called into work so I can go to the doctor's in the morning.

Oh yes...you read that right. I have to drag my butt all the way downtown to campus to go the student health center because I can't use my health insurance anywhere but there. I managed to pull or twist something in my back on Thursday or Friday and the pain has been getting progressively worse over the weekend to the point that I literally could not sit up this morning when I woke up. I've been wearing icy hot patches since yesterday afternoon and taking aleve and extra strength excedrin like it's candy. With the patches on I can function and my back just feels stiff, as if I've sat in a car too long, but without them, I can't sit, stand up straight, or bend over without being in excruciating pain. I thought it would go away by the time the weekend was over and instead it just keeps getting worse so off to the doctor I go tomorrow. Ugh. I wouldn't care so much if I could use my insurance somewhere closer instead of having to drive the 30 minutes to campus just to see a doctor.

I spent the weekend in Athens visiting Vince. I hadn't seen him since my birthday and he's stuck in Athens over winter break working so I drove up to see him for the weekend. He was such a good sport putting up with my whining and taking care of me when I was in so much pain last night and today. He's the one who insisted on the excedrin and the icy hot patches and for that I'm grateful because they made it so I could actually enjoy my weekend.

When I got in on Friday night we went to Wal-mart to get stuff to cook dinner together, which actually turned into Vince cooking dinner because I had set the fire alarm off at work that afternoon. Oh yeah, you read that right too! I was heating up my kid's lunches and my own and managed to set the fire alarm off. We're still not sure what happened because I hadn't burnt anything but it still went off. At least it added some excitement to the day and like my boss said, it got our fire drill in for the month!

So back to Friday! Vince cooked us dinner and then mixed up our brownie batter while I washed the dishes from dinner. Once he had the brownies in the oven, he ran out and picked us up a bottle of wine for our movie night. We spent Friday night just laying on the futon watching Eat Pray Love while drinking the wine he had bought. After the movie we laid in bed and talked until we fell asleep. It was the perfect start to the weekend.

Saturday I had planned to stay in my pjs and work on a paper while Vince worked but our friend Krys wanted someone to get food with and persuaded me to get dressed and go out in the cold with my two favorite words in Athens: The Diner! She knows my weakness because I love The Diner and their breakfast food. It's definitely an Athens thing so of course I was persuaded to get out of bed for that! We sat and chatted for over an hour over brunch and it was so fun catching up with her. It gave me so much comfort to know that no matter how much time passes or how far apart we are, most of my college friendships have remained the same and for that I am grateful.

After brunch I worked on my paper for a couple of hours until Vince got off of work and dragged me to Wal-mart to return our Red Box movie and to get the icy hot patches. We stopped to pick up pizza for dinner and then it was right back to my paper I went. By 7:30 last night it was finished! I changed clothes and we met up with Krys and headed out to one of the local bars to celebrate me being done with my paper and to hang out. I had four drinks over the couple of hours we were there and the three of us had fun laughing and catching up. There are some ridiculous stories from last night but all in all, it was a much needed night out with two of my favorite people.

When we got back to the apartment, we laid in bed and watched Rent, after which I fell asleep and had the best night's sleep that I've had in over a week. For whatever reason I just sleep so much better when I'm in Athens than I do at home. I wonder why that is??

I woke up today and my back pain had gotten so bad that I literally could not sit up because it hurt so bad. I was in so much pain that I was in tears walking around the apartment. After taking three aleve and putting the icy hot patch on, it finally started to fade. Sometimes the pain feels like there's a giant knot in my back just above my butt (sorry tmi I know) to just being sore across my lower back from hip to hip as if I've bruised it. That's how it feels right now. I have an icy hot patch on it right now that I plan on sleeping in so that I can actually move in the morning, though I have a feeling I'll be sore anyway. I just honestly do not know what I did to it.

Once the pain started to fade, we headed uptown so I could pick up a couple of OU t-shirts. Vince also talked me into buying some extra strength excedrin which has helped immensley with the pain I'm in. Then we headed to lunch before going back and flipping between the first half of the Browns game and the first half of the Bengals game.

I got home around 5ish and have done nothing but sit around for the most part. Megan took me to Wal-mart earlier so I could get some more icy hot patches and some stuff for my lunches this week. I took a nice long hot shower when I got in which helped loosen my back up a little but now it just hurts again. I'm really hoping there's something the doctor's can do for me tomorrow because I can't take much more of this pain.

I'm so glad my boss was so understanding about me being out tomorrow. She even turned it into a joke and made me laugh, which was good because I felt horrible about calling in on a Monday of all days. I'm going to try and make it into work after I go to the doctor but we'll see how it goes tomorrow. Right now on a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being no pain and 10 being excruciating pain I'd say I'm about a 6. I'm just miserable so I think I'm going to go sleep it off.

What a way to start my week. At least I had a good weekend with one of my favorite people, even though it was slightly pain filled. I'm just grateful that Vince took such good care of me and put up with all of my whining over the pain I was in. Just another reason why I love him. :-)

Ok...bedtime for real now.

What's been going on?

2010-11-30T16:35:00.003-05:00

I figured it was time for a real update since I haven't updated since the Turkey Trot. There's been a lot that has gone on, most of which I can't update about here because this blog is too public and I don't know who reads it. Those of you who are privy to my more private blog already know and if you don't know, then ask and I'll give you updates.

I think the biggest update is that I don't think things with this new guy are going to work out for numerous reasons but the biggest reason of all is because of my own heart. Again, this goes back to my more personal blog so I'm just going to leave it at that. I'm waiting to see if he's going to call or text me again. I'm not going to keep pursuing this because I just don't feel that it's right. My friends have all asked me what I would do if he were to ask me out again and I honestly don't know. That's one of those things where I'll have to wait and see as it happens.

Tonight is my last night of classes for fall quarter. Finals are next week but my finals are both online so I don't have to come to campus next week. My Stats class doesn't have an attendance policy so I skipped class tonight and I'm currently sitting in the student center working on my 10-15 page research paper I have due next week. I figured that was more important than trudging up the hill in the rain to sit through a class where the TA reads verbatim from the power point. I can do that myself.

I love that Jesus Loves Me by the Go Fish guys just came on my Itunes. Brings back such fun memories from VBA this past summer. I had so much fun with my crew of girls and then leading music for the inner city church that brought their children's ministry to our church for a mini VBA. Ok...end side tangent. :-P

I'm flying out to Arizona in April for Beth's wedding so I'm currently looking up different flight options. Every single flight I've looked at has a layover in Denver so I'm actually going to extend my layover and stay in Denver overnight because Mike's birthday falls on that Friday night and I want to be there to celebrate this year. So basically I'm looking at flying out of Dayton or Cincinnati late Thursday evening, staying in Denver Thursday night to Friday night, flying to Arizona on Friday and then flying back to Ohio on Sunday. Lots of flying but it'll be so worth it.

Speaking of Mike...I don't know what I would do without him in my life. Going out to Denver last March was probably one of the best decisions I've ever made. I jokingly call him my soul mate but quite honestly, he is the gay male equivalent of me. He hears everything and I mean everything about my life and we have such an open relationship that we can be brutally honest with each other without having to worry about pissing each other off and hurting each other's feelings. In the last nine months he has quickly become one of the best friends I've ever had and I would be so lost without him.

Ok, end sappy part of my entry. I really should be working on my paper. That's why I skipped class in the first place. The more I can get done over the next couple days, the less I have to do when I'm with Vince this weekend in Athens. We're having a movie and wine night on Friday night when I get into town, something we both desperately seem to need. I can't wait to curl up on his futon and just talk about everything that's happened since we last saw each other. I live for these weekends with him where I can be myself and just relax.

Ok, seriously. Time to go be studious. Or something close to that. I have an hour and a half before my next class so I need to get some work done!

Turkey Trot 10k

2010-11-25T21:55:00.002-05:00

I ran my first 10k this morning...in the rain! My pre-race traditions seem to continue and I couldn't sleep last night because I started doubting myself even though I know I've been training for weeks for this and knew I was more than capable to be running this morning. I set the alarm for 6:30 this morning so I could get up and eat before the race and once again, like the last three, I couldn't eat because my nerves were just too worked up. This comes back to kill me about halfway through a race because I lose all of my energy. I'm going to have to get over that for the Pig because I can't run 13.1 miles without eating anything the morning of.

Megan and I left the house around 7:10 and began our drive downtown. Of course it was pouring down rain and I knew this was how it was going to continue. However, we lucked out and by 9 a.m. when the race started, it was just a slow drizzle that really wasn't too bad. I think we got poured on once during the entire race but at that point, it felt good because we were hot from running.

We finished the full 6.2 miles in 1:39:22, which means I was able to maintain a 16 minute mile, even when walking. We walked a good chunk of it, especially the hills, but I did push myself when I was running so I feel like I'm making progress. I'm very pleased with how well we did and running in the rain this morning was a good training experience for the half-marathon because it almost always seems to rain on that day. I think I strained something in my leg though when I went sliding on the painted lines in the road and tried to keep my balance without wiping out. I took three ibuprofen when I got home from dinner which seems to have helped but I'm still limping a bit.

Thanksgiving was pretty uneventful. My aunt, my cousin, and I had all run today so by the time I got to dinner (lunch I guess since we ate at 1) I was ready to sleep. It was fun spending time with the extended family and talking about school, work, and running with them. Of course the new guy came up because my cousin Kim saw my facebook status so I shared some of what I know about him with my cousin Vicki. They're all excited for me but my uncle Gary told me if I keep him away from the family too long that when I finally do bring him around, they'll make sure they embarrass me! Oh how I love my family! :-P

Speaking of the boy, we're having brunch tomorrow! We've been chatting for the last hour through text messages and I was telling him how I want hot chocolate but don't want to go to Starbucks alone and he told me not to waste my time or energy and to make Swiss Miss instead. I told him I don't like hot chocolate from a box because it doesn't taste right or I just don't make it right. He told me he'd invite me over for a cup tonight but he doesn't want me driving in this nasty weather. How sweet is he?!? I'm looking forward to spending time with him tomorrow. :-)

Alright, half time is over. Back to yelling at my poor pitiful Bengals team. *sigh* Is it baseball season yet??

Twas the night before the turkey trot...

2010-11-24T23:22:00.002-05:00

Twas the night before the turkey trot, not a creature was stirring, not even me. Okay, not quite the same tune, but you get my drift. I've been home from work since 5:15 and all I've done is lay on the couch in my pajamas. This has become my newest pre-race tradition. I don't make plans for the night before and I just relax to get myself pumped for the race.

Tomorrow is my first ever 10k, or 6.2 miles for those not familiar with the running lingo. My ipod is currently charging and has been updated with new music to keep me pumped and ready to run. The weather isn't supposed to be the greatest but at least it's not supposed to be as cold as it was today. The current forecast for 9 a.m. is scattered showers and temps in the mid 50s. I can handle the temps but running in the rain will be new territory for me. At least it'll toughen me up (as my uncle so lovingly said earlier on facebook!) to get me ready for the Pig because it seems like it rains every year on the day of the Pig.

As I stared at my running clothes in the bathroom earlier, it amazes me how much I've changed and grown in the last year. This time last year I was a year into my gym contract but wasn't running at all. A year later, I'm up to six miles and halfway through my training for the half marathon. I never thought I'd be a person who loves to run but it's become my stress relief, the one thing that keeps me sane through the crazy parts of my life. More of my money has gone towards new running clothes in the last few months than anything else I've bought and I don't regret a single cent of it.

I think one of the biggest lessons I've learned in my training is to NOT set a time goal for myself. I know my pace and I know what I'm comfortable at so setting a time goal isn't what matters. What matters is that I cross that finish line and prove to myself that I was able to do something I never thought I could do.

I never thought I'd be at this place, training for and actually running different races but this is my life now and I love it. I love this confident person I've become since I started running. I love being able to walk into a room with my head held high knowing I'm comfortable in my own skin and proud of how far I've come.

Here's to an amazing race tomorrow! 6.2 miles here I come!!

First date

2010-11-20T23:34:00.002-05:00

Last night was the best first date I've ever been on. I wasn't 100% sure going into it that it was a date but about half an hour into it, I realized it was, not only because he insisted on paying for dinner as soon as we sat down but because he actually called it a date. *insert girly squeal here!*

I went over to my friend Amy's after work to change clothes and get ready which was so fun in itself. It's been so long since I've gotten ready for a night out with one of my girl friends. We had Pandora cranked up on my blackberry and we were trading make up back and forth and talking about my date. I jokingly told Amy at one point that I didn't know who was more excited, me or her! She held me hostage after I had gotten ready because she told me I needed to be "fashionably late." She finally let me leave and even though I was still early, Jeremy was already waiting for me.

We sat down to dinner and as soon as we sat down he told me to order whatever I wanted, that it was on him. I looked at him and told him that he didn't have to pay for dinner but he told me that he knew that, but because he had asked me out he was paying. As soon as we ordered (after a huge fiasco with our waiter who was a jerk for the rest of the night) we just started talking. Once we started, it was non-stop for the rest of the time we were together. We talked about everything from politics to religion to education and even his kids. He had me laughing so much and at times so hard that people at the table next to us kept looking over at us!

At one point, Amy and our other co-worker Missy "crashed" my date! They knew that Jeremy was taking me to O'Charley's for dinner and they came in and looked for me. Once they got to our table, they acted like they didn't know I was going to be there and then made it a point not only to introduce themselves to Jeremy, but to point out the fact that I had straightened my hair and put make up on. *cue blushing* I was mortified! Luckily Jeremy took it all in stride and was so polite to them. I was ten shades of red when they walked away but Jeremy took us right back into conversation and all of my morification just melted away at how quickly he made me comfortable again.

Eventually we moved our date from O'Charley's to Dairy Queen where we sat and talked for another two hours. We got comfortable with each other to the point that we were actually teasing each other and poking fun at each other, especially at our ages. I can't help but wonder if maybe part of him is concerned about the fact that we're ten years apart because he joked about it a lot while we were on our date. Whenever he would bring it up I'd tease right back and then we'd slip right back into conversation.

Not once during the night was there an awkward pause or a loss of conversation. You just couldn't shut the two of us up. The only reason we ended our date when we did was because the girl at Dairy Queen was sweeping the floor and we thought they were closing. We ended up lingering in the parking lot for about 15 more minutes just talking and at one point you could tell we were awkwardly trying to figure out how to say goodnight, whether we should hug or just leave so we just left. haha! If you couldn't tell we were on a first date before then, you definitely could after!

I think the best part of the entire evening was when we were talking about the things we do outside of work and our churches came up. It was such a sigh of relief for me to find out that we believe the same things spiritually! The only difference in our church going beliefs is that he prefers a more traditional service and I prefer the contemporary service at my church. I actually have a worship mix on my Itunes that I'm going to burn and give to him the next time we hang out because he told me he's willing to try anything once so I figured I'd share with him why I like what I do.

I know it was only a first date, but I really like this one. I'm hoping he stays around for awhile. I know the timing is going to be slower than your typical dating relationship, especially because there are kids involved, but I am not opposed to seeing where this goes, especially since I now know we share the same spiritual beliefs. Along with that, we even talked about raising kids and being a stay at home mom! (Not as in us of course-just in general). He told me he's not opposed to his wife going back to work once the kids are at a school age but before that, he thinks kids are better raised at home with their family and not in an all day day-care or preschool setting. (This all came up because we were talking about my job and I griped about parents like that). When he made those comments, I just wanted to swoon right there. I love that we're already on the same page about that!

The cynical side of me is already looking for reasons why this could fall apart while the emotional side of me is ready to jump in head first. I'm praying like crazy to guard my own heart so that I don't get hurt. I know there's a chance it could happen but he's the first guy I've met in awhile that I'm willing to take that risk with. This is all happening so quickly that I'm still processing. I never expected to agree to letting Andrea introduce us last week and then actually going out on a date this week.

I'm ready to take this as slow as it needs to go and I'm praying for guidance on it, for protection of my heart, and for God to show us what His plan is. That alone is the most important factor in my opinion. It's such a comfort to know we share a mutual love for the Lord. That's so important to me in a relationship.

I haven't been able to stop smiling since Friday. I was alone in the car tonight and just kept thinking of Friday night and I could feel the grin just slide across my face. I have butterflies whenever I think of him and I'm excited for the next time we get to spend time together.

Now that it's taken over an hour to write this entry (I've been distracted several times!) I'm going to bed to pray this out and then get some sleep.

Sweet dreams. I know mine will be. :-)

Sweetly dreaming

2010-11-19T23:32:00.002-05:00

I know I need to share details but all you get tonight is that I had a great time on my date and have so much peace about seeing where this goes. For tonight, I just want to soak in the details by myself before sharing them with the world.

All I can say is that tonight's dreams will be very, very sweet.

Second date!

2010-11-18T22:16:00.002-05:00

Guess who has a second date tomorrow night?!? I DO!!!!

Jeremy and I were texting this afternoon and talking about getting coffee after work tomorrow when he suggested dinner instead! So we're getting dinner tomorrow night when I get off of work!!!

AHHH!!! I am freaking out right now!!! I'm hoping I can eat since I haven't been able to keep anything down but toast today.

And I'm soooo nervous!!! AHHH!!!! I'm going to be freaking out all day tomorrow!! And this entry has taken me a million tries to write because I'm so excited I keep making typos!!

AHHH!!! YAY!!!!

Just my luck

2010-11-18T10:59:00.002-05:00

As I write this, I'm currently sitting at home curled up on the couch under my UC blanket. I took a sick day from work today after getting sent home yesterday afternoon right after my lunch break because I started getting sick. It all came on quickly.

At 10:30 yesterday morning I started getting really bad stomach cramps but still felt fine. I thought I was just hungry. Over the course of the next hour as I sat down to lunch with my kiddos, it got so bad that I was doubled over holding my stomach. Stacey sent me to the bathroom and even that didn't help. At noon one of our other girls came over to break me and I sat in my car trying to convince myself I wasn't sick. That only worked for about 45 minutes before I finally did get sick. Twice in ten minutes to be exact so Stephanie sent me home. I spent about eight and a half hours getting sick before it finally passed. I fell asleep around midnight and slept until 10:30 this morning.

I feel okay right now. In fact, I woke up hungry but I figured I should probably try and keep water down first before I attempt food. Last night I couldn't even keep water down. I really want some toast and juice but I'm going to wait for another hour or so to make sure this bug has really passed. The best part of it is that it truly is short lived. It last about 12-24 hours and then it's done.

The best perk of being sick? I've been curled up in bed watching episodes of Law and Order SVU and Bones on Netflix. This morning there's a House marathon on so I'm sitting on the couch watching that right now. I can't fathom the idea of laying in bed anymore because I've been laying in bed since two yesterday afternoon and my back actually hurts from laying in bed for so long.

I should go strip my bed and wash the sheets now since I spent all day yesterday sick in bed. Blah.

Thoughts from "that" girl

2010-11-16T16:54:00.002-05:00

Since Friday, I have found myself being "that" girl. The one sitting by the phone, whose heart leaps into her throat each time it rings or beeps with a text message, hoping it's the guy she went out with over the weekend. Each time, my heart comes crashing back down with disappointment.

I don't know how to do this. It's been so long since I've gone out on a real date that I don't know how it works anymore. I know that this situation especially is delicate because there are kids involved. I never thought I'd let myself even consider dating a man who has kids and now I find myself genuinely interested in getting to know this guy and I don't know how to work this situation.

I've text him here and there but so far nothing seems to pan out from his end. Andrea keeps telling me I need to take it slow, that he's been hurt in the past and that if he wasn't interested, he wouldn't have asked for my phone number and suggested we get together again. But still, my stupid girl heart keeps thinking that because he hasn't called, he's truly not interested. On Sunday evening, I suggested we get coffee later in the week or over the weekend and his response was "I'll try. I'll text you again later in the week" and my girl brain took that to mean he truly wasn't interested and didn't want to see me again.

I hate that I've gotten my hopes up, that I've met someone I actually want to get to know, and now I find myself being the girl I always hated-the one sitting by the phone waiting for a guy who may or may not call her. I hate that I've done this to myself and the fact that everyone is being vocal on their opinions of this particular person. All I want is to be happy and instead I'm making my own self miserable by waiting on something that may or may not happen and letting everyone give me their two cents, when really it doesn't matter what anyone but myself thinks.

How long do I wait before I call him and ask him to get together? I don't want to be pushy but I genuinely do want to get to know him. So how long do I wait for him before I give in and call him?

AHHHHHH!!!! WHY HAVE I BECOME THAT GIRL THAT I HATE?!?!?

Blind date

2010-11-14T15:08:00.002-05:00

Since I'm home, I figure it's time to give you all details since I left you all hanging in suspense on Friday. Denise, read no further until I call you tonight!

Last week, I wrote an entry about how Megan wanted to set me up on a blind date and that I had agreed to let her give this guy she knows my phone number. Well, nothing came of that because he never called me or anything.

On Thursday night, I drove up to Dayton to have dinner and hang out with Andrea who was in town for a funeral. We had such a great time hanging out and laughing with her family and it was such a good reminder for us that no matter how far apart we are, we'll always be best friends. I can't imagine what life would be like without her.

On Friday morning, she was working out of Cincinnati International Airport (she actually works in Minneapolis) so we were chatting on the phone on our drives to work. She asked me about my facebook status about the blind date so I shared with her about Megan wanting to set me up. She then proceeded to tell me about this guy she works with when she works at CVG (the airport) and that she thought we would like each other. I fought her for awhile, telling her I had gotten my hopes up earlier in the week and that I wasn't going through that. She kept pushing so I finally agreed to it because I honestly didn't think it would go anywhere.

I'm not normally the type of person to wait by my phone but I checked it during a quick break I had taken at work and I had three text messages from her. One was a picture of Jeremy (that's his name) and two others were text messages saying that he thought I was cute and wanted to know when my break was because he wanted to drive in and take me to lunch. At first I was hesitant until she told me that she would be there to act as a buffer incase Jeremy and I didn't hit it off.

Well, imagine my surprise when we actually DID hit it off. We found out that we both have a slightly crazy obsession with Disney and we both love to travel. We chatted about Denver and it turns out he knows a lot of the places I've been to. We got so wrapped up in our conversation at one point that poor Andrea was just sitting in a corner texting her boyfriend on her cell phone. I apologized for that later but she told me it was what she had wanted to happen. haha

At the end of lunch (which he paid for!) he held the door open for us and then he shook my hand which I thought was cute. haha We exchanged numbers and I told him that we should do this again sometime without Andrea, which made both of us laugh. I went back to work all smiles and then had to explain myself to all of my coworkers and my boss, all of whom knew about my date because originally they weren't going to give me a lunch break and were going to send me home at 3 since I was supposed to leave at 4 anyway. I put my foot down though and fought Stacey until she agreed to find someone to cover me so I could still go on my date. Of course the entire staff found out, which doesn't surprise me since I work with 25 women! Gossip spreads quickly!

When I got off of work, I text Jeremy to tell him thank you for lunch and that I had a really good time. We chatted for a bit before I had to leave for camp and I haven't talked to him since because he's in Tennessee for the weekend. I haven't been able to get my mind off of him and did text him once last night to tell him I hoped he was having fun but left it at that. The ball is in his court now so if he really did like me, then it's his move.

Now, I owe you all an explanation. I was leery of going out with Jeremy because Andrea had told me he was 36, had been married, and has kids. Four of them to be exact. The age wasn't a factor for me, nor was the fact that he had been married. I can deal with those. But the fact that he has kids is a little scary for me. However, I decided to give it a try anyway and really surprised myself when I genuinely liked him. I hadn't expected to hit it off with him and counted this as one of those things I was doing to get Andrea off of my back so I was shocked when we clicked imediately.

I still have reservations about him having kids but at this stage in my life, the people in my life aren't surprised by the fact that I would even consider it. I've always been more mature for my age so dating someone older than me isn't an issue. Things just always get scary when kids are involved and when exes are involved. Considering I've never been in a relationship, this would be new territory for me.

I'm not sure what's going to happen honestly. Like I said, the ball is in his court. In the last 48 hours however, I've found myself being "that" girl, the one who is anxiously sitting by the phone waiting to see if he's going to call or not. It's driving me crazy that he hasn't, even though I know he's in Tennessee with his kids and that today they're driving home. He has full custody so I know things are going to be completely different for him than for me so I need to be patient.

The fact that he hasnn't called yet is giving me doubts though and making my brain go crazy. I text Andrea this morning and told her that I was afraid he hadn't called yet because he really didn't think I was cute and didn't like me, etc. Being the great best friend she is, she immediately sent me back a reply saying "Has he given you a reason to doubt? No! Remember he's with his kids, he could be driving home. You have to be patient," which I know is true. His timing is going to be different than mine, especially because he does have the kids. It's just driving me crazy not knowing if he actually liked me or not.

So there you have it. I had a really great time on Friday and I actually really liked him. I prayed about it a lot this weekend during fall retreat with the kids and I have peace about seeing where this goes, if it goes anywhere. I never thought I would consider this but I'm interested to see if it does go anywhere. I'm just a bundle of nerves waiting to see if anything is going to come of it. I know you risk getting hurt anytime you open yourself to something new and this is no different. It still doesn't make it easy. I hate waiting and I'm not the most patient person in the world but I'm trying.

I still have butterflies and smile whenever I think of Friday so we'll see what happens!

Quick teaser!

2010-11-12T16:53:00.001-05:00

Just a quick teaser to say I went out on a "date" today with a guy that one of my other friends set me up with. This one was completely different than the one I mentioned in the last entry and it all happened so quickly.

I have to leave for camp but I just wanted to leave a teaser saying that I went on a date and I'll fill you in when I get back on Sunday. All I can say is-I can't stop smiling and I have butterflies!

Matchmaker

2010-11-10T23:52:00.003-05:00

Just a quick entry before bed because my four mile run is finally kicking in and the adrenaline has worn off so now I'm just exhausted.

Megan and I had dinner tonight and I was able to share with her a lot of what was on my heart, things I've been letting build up for awhile that I spilled out in an e-mail to my dear friend Heather last night. In the midst of that conversation, Megan jokingly asked me if she could set me up with a guy she used to date, someone who she's still friends with but thinks would be good for me.

At first, I told her she was crazy. But then I started thinking about it and kept asking myself what harm there could be in it. After all, I don't exactly travel in social circles with many available guys in my age group so how else am I going to meet someone if I don't put myself out there right? I posed the question to my facebook status and it wasn't long before I had close to 20 comments on it, some saying I shouldn't do it, but most saying I should.

I finally caved and gave Megan permission to work her magic. She has apparently given this guy my phone number and now I'm just waiting to see how this works outs. About an hour later I decided I didn't want to be "that" girl who sits by the phone anxiously waiting for a guy to call or not call so I made myself go to the gym and run the four miles I needed to run tonight, even though I had contemplated not going because Denise was working late. Those four miles did wonders for me because I was able to clear my head and forget about it while I watched the CMA's.

I had a great run though and loved pushing myself harder and further than I've pushed myself in the last several months of my training. I'm sure I'll be sore in the morning but it will be so well worth it.

Alright, I should get some sleep because I'm chaperoning fall retreat with the youth this weekend and I know I won't sleep much being in a cabin with a bunch of giggly junior high and high school girls!

Not where I pictured I'd be

2010-11-08T19:09:00.002-05:00

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and I think a lot of it is coming from being one of the only single people in my immediate circle of friends lately. I don't know how this has happened again but it has and it sucks. My weekends have been spent at home recently because on any given Friday and Saturday evening my friends are out on dates. Maybe that's why I've poured my life into my school work and running lately. It's the only thing I have keeping me going.

This isn't exactly where I pictured I'd be at 26. I thought by now I'd be married and getting ready to have kids. I thought I'd be out on my own instead of still living at home with my parents. The only thing that's going right is that I'm in school working on my Master's, taking steps towards being an advocate for our school children who don't have a voice for themselves. I'm living out my dream and proving to everyone who didn't believe in me growing up that I'm making something of myself.

I know that God has a plan and I know His timing is perfect, but right now, it's another season in my life that I'm struggling with. I'm struggling to understand why everyone my age is settling down in great careers, are in healthy and happy relationships, and are starting their families and God has asked me to remain single for this time. It just doesn't seem fair and maybe it's why I keep losing myself in these situations I know are unhealthy for me.

I hate that I keep letting myself fall into this season. 99% of the time I am perfectly content and don't let it bother me but every now and then I find myself struggling and wondering "why me?" I have so much else in my life that is fulfilling me that I don't know why I let this one area become the thing that I focus on. I'm running full speed ahead at my future, one that is bright as the sun and something I've always wanted to do. I'm in a place health wise where I'm taking care of my body and I'm in the best shape I've ever been in. Running has given me this amazing confidence I never knew could exist in my life. I can look in the mirror and actually like (most of the time!) the person who is looking back at me. We all have those days where nothing we own fits right or when our hair just doesn't want to sit right. It's a part of life. But I can still walk into a room with my head held high, knowing that I'm finally comfortable in my own skin.

So why is it that I still feel myself longing for something God clearly doesn't have for me right now? It's not to say He never will. He may eventually bring along the right person for me, someone He has been molding to be my husband, but right now, He's asking me to be single and to be content with that. I need to learn what that contentment is all about. In the last 11 months, I don't feel like I've learned that at all. I don't know if taking another year off dating is the right response either, but I still feel as if I have a lot to learn about God's plan for my own personal life and where He is taking me. I can already feel Him convicting me in certain areas of my life and I need to stop taking those back from Him. He's trying to teach me lessons that are going to be crucial to my future so I need to step back and let Him reveal those lessons to me or else I'm never going to be able to see the bigger picture He has for my life.

The question is: how do you begin to achieve that contentment? What am I missing and how do I allow myself to be content in the Lord? You'd think after eight years of following the Lord that I would know the answer to that but I don't. Instead, I just keep floundering and allowing myself to get caught up in all these worldly emotions that make me human. All I want is to be Christ like and to let Him guide my life. How do I stop myself from taking the pen back out of His hand?

The life of a busy grad student and runner

2010-11-06T16:59:00.005-04:00

I realized I haven't done a proper update in weeks (unless you're privy to my more personal blog on another site) so I figured since I'm procrastinating that this would be the perfect time to do it. I'm not actually procrastinating-I'm giving my brain a small break after writing a reflection paper and taking a quiz before I start researching another paper and take my Stats midterm. :-P

My birthday weekend a couple weeks back was probably one of the best birthdays I've had in years, simply because I've finally reached a point in my life where I'm confident in myself and feel good about who I am and where I am in my life. Vince came in from Athens for the weekend which was fun as always. He put up with all my random shenanigans, including having to drive me home after my birthday dinner because I had two daiquiris that went straight to my head. haha

I ran a 5k the morning of my birthday celebration and finished in 47:48, cutting another minute off of my overall 5k time. I loved that I finished, but the week after the race was a difficult week in my half marathon training because I was disappointed in myself. I had set a goal of finishing in 45 minutes or under, which clearly didn't happen. On top of that, I didn't run as much of it as I had planned on doing because it was cold outside and it hurt my lungs to run in the cold. My training that week was rough because I just kept telling myself I couldn't do it, I don't know why I ever thought I could, and that I was crazy for thinking I could actually do something like running a half marathon.

Luckily, I have a GREAT training partner in Denise who was right there with me every step of the way pushing me and encouraging me and cheering me on through the darkest of moments that week. She kept reminding me of how far I've come since I officially started training in May and how far I've come in the year that I've been working out along side of her while she trained last year for the full marathon. Since that week, my training has kicked into full gear again and I'm now just weeks away from running my first 10k, which is 6.2 miles. I'm running the Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving Day, something I have been eagerly looking forward to for the last couple of months. I completed my first four mile run last week and tomorrow I'm running five miles with Denise.

I have to give Denise major props-without her, I wouldn't be able to do this. She has been there every step of the way with me and she pushes me when I don't think I can keep running. She has put up with all of my whining about my various aches and pains (something I'm becoming accustomed to as a runner!) and my mental state and she still hasn't give up on me. If I were her, I would have gone running for the hills months ago but instead, she stays along side of me and just keeps cheering me on. She is my biggest fan and without her, I wouldn't be where I am today.

Other than the running and my birthday celebration, my life has been all work and school lately. I had to take two six hour inservices for work to keep my certification current so I spent four nights in the last two weeks at work for three extra hours both nights to sit through a Communicable Disease class and a Child Abuse and Neglect course. On those nights I also went straight to the gym for training runs, so I've been busy.

School is stressing me out this quarter. I'm taking a Group Theory and Process class, which I actually enjoy. I wish I had taken it before my practicum last spring because it would have been much more beneficial to running the groups at the school I was at. I'm also taking Stats, which has been the bane of my existence all quarter. All I do is study for that class, which is paying off because I have an A but I'm still stressed over it. I have to take my midterm tonight online so I'm praying I do well on it.

As the quarter winds down, I'm looking at one more quiz, a couple more journals, and a 10-15 page research paper for my Group Theory class. For Stats, I have I think two more assignments, the midterm, and a take home final to complete. My social life is pretty much non-existent between now and the week after Thanksgiving when the 10-15 page paper is due. The only exception to that is chaperoning fall retreat next weekend which I think will be good for us adults, along with the youth. I know all of this hard work is going to pay off when I'm looking at another quarter of excellent grades but I miss having a life!

I've been doing a lot of thinking about my future and where I want to be after grad school is done. I keep going back and forth on moving to Denver and I'm trying to figure out if that's where God is really calling me to. I'm going out for two weeks in June after spring classes are over and taking the state boards out there just so I can have a back up plan incase I can't find a job here. I'm also looking at getting licensed in Kentucky and Indiana since both of those are close to Cincinnati as well. I need to do some soul searching and praying to figure out exactly where I'm supposed to be.

Speaking of my spiritual life...well, that's where I've been struggling the most. I have felt so completely empty lately and finally broke down and met with my small group leader. He encouraged me to "cut the fat" and let go of things that I don't need in my life right now. We tried to figure out where I could make cuts and decided that my side baby-sitting jobs needed to go, especially since most of the families I was sitting for waited until the last minute to call me and I was taking the jobs because I needed the money. Since I was baby-sitting so much, I wasn't getting enough time to do homework and that just added to my stress level. I was choosing to sleep in on Sundays instead of going to church because I wasn't sleeping on the weekends so I could stay up late to do homework. It was a viscious cycle and it was killing me.

My wonderful and amazing friend Heather from OU has been so incredible through all of this. She follows me on twitter and has seen some of my more distressing tweets and so she and I now have a long distance accountability partnership going. We've vowed to spend 20 minutes a day in the Word and share with each other what we've learned and what the Lord is revealing to us. It's been so helpful and has left me feeling so refreshed. God knew exactly what I needed in letting us continue our friendship since we graduated from OU, even if she's in Indiana and I'm here in Ohio. I am so blessed by her friendship and I don't know what I would do without her.

I'm slowly coming up out of the pit that I've been in and can see the light on the other side of the valley. I know we have seasons in our life where we struggle and I'm blessed by the people the Lord has brought into my life to bring me through this latest valley in my life. I still have a lot of struggles going on in my heart (if you're privy to my other blog you know this) but I know that I'm going to be okay. It's going to take baby steps but by God's grace, I know He still loves me, regardless of the sins I commit and the choices I make in my life. His grace covers all and for that I am grateful.

For now, I need to run to the grocery store and then get back to the books so I can finish this midterm and start on my research paper. A few more weeks. I can make it right?

Time to celebrate!

2010-10-21T23:37:00.002-04:00

After an emotional week with the funeral and some other stuff going on at work, I'm ready to move forward and enjoy my weekend. Vince is coming in from Athens for the weekend to help celebrate my birthday and I can't for him to be here!

Saturday I'm running my third 5k race with Megan! She picked up our race numbers and our shirts yesterday and I'm pumped to see how well I do this time around. I'm aiming for 45 minutes or under but we'll see how I do. My goal is a good night's sleep tomorrow night so I have the proper energy for the race on Saturday morning. This one is an early one and starts at 7:45 so my plan is to shower and go back to bed for awhile when I get home. :-P

I can not wait to go out Saturday night! A big group of us are going to Don Pablos on the river for dinner and then probably hanging out in Newport somewhere. I'm not really sure what the plan is yet. Plus Adrienne's mom, who is also my second mom, is coming into town and she's going out with us so I can't wait to see her!

Alright, I need to get some sleep. I have to be at work early tomorrow because we're going to be short staffed tomorrow. Here's to a great and much needed weekend!!

Bittersweet

2010-10-19T21:25:00.003-04:00

Today is my 26th birthday and it has been bittersweet. My grandpa santa (as we affectionately called him) passed away at the young age of 86 on Friday morning and today was his funeral. I took the day off of work and school and spent the day with my family, celebrating the life of a man we all loved dearly.

I hadn't cried since my aunt called me with the news on Friday afternoon and I made it through a good chunk of the visitation until someone was talking with us and told us that the only way she could describe Grandpa to her son who had never met him was "He truly was santa claus." Cue the water works. There were many, many happy memories shared during the visitation and we spent a lot of time laughing over these sweet, sweet memories we have.

The memorial service at the church was difficult. From the moment they wheeled the flag covered coffin into the sanctuary, I was in tears. The pastor and a few others who spoke during the service moved me to tears, especially when one of grandpa's dear friends got up to the podium and shared with us how grandpa told the doctors right before his triple by pass surgery a couple of months ago that he didn't have anything to lose, because he'd either wake up in the arms of his wife or wake up in the arms of his saviour. I lost it then. To have that kind of faith astounds me and I can only hope and pray my faith is as incredible as his someday.

The service at the cemetary was hard. It was a full military service because grandpa served in the Army and fought during World War 2. I haven't been to a military service since my grandpa (my mom's dad) passed away when I was 10. I teared up during the gun salute but the water works really started when they played Taps and presented the flag to grandma Betty.

As much as it hurts at the loss of this incredible man from our lives, it brings me so much comfort to know he is waiting to greet me in Heaven and that he is walking with the Lord and taking joy and delight at being out of pain and sickness. If I didn't have that comfort of knowing that he's with the Lord I don't think I could have made it through today.

We will always miss grandpa santa and the light and joy he brought to all of our lives. I can't wait until the day we're reunited in Heaven and live together for eternity.

Perspective

2010-10-17T23:59:00.002-04:00

I should be sleeping but I wanted to blog out how I'm feeling before I head to bed so I can keep myself in check over the next month or so.

First, an update on Jen. I finally heard from her aunt last night via facebook (yes, I am that person that resorted to facebook stalking to find out how she's doing) and she told me that Jen's stroke wasn't the bad kind, that she's already regained 100% of her speech and is now trying to regain her strength. She's going through cat scans to figure out if they can put her on blood thinners to disolve the clot that caused the stroke and she's still in ICU but the doctors and neurologists are confident in how she's doing. Bonnie told me that Jen is more concerned about getting back to her students (she teaches high school history) than she is about being in the hospital. I told Bonnie that if Jen is worried about work, I know she's going to be okay. I told her that we're all praying for her and to keep me updated on how she's doing.

I met with my small group leader tonight after youth to talk about some things I have going on in my personal life. Lately I've been feeling empty, exhausted, and anti-social. I told Seth I didn't know where any of this was coming from and after a good hour long talk, I feel better about things. I know a big chunk of my problem is that I can't say no to people. Because of this, I have spread myself way too thin lately trying to do everything for everyone. I need to cut some stuff out of my life to make time for me and school. People need to understand that I'm a graduate student who also works full time. I don't have all this free time like they think that I do.

People also assume that I have all the time in the world because I'm single but I don't! I work full time, go to school part time, volunteer with our youth, go to my own small group, go to church on Sundays, and train for a half marathon. That doesn't give me a lot of free time to spare for everyone. I'm just as busy as the next person and something has to give somewhere. Seth called me on the church aspect because he's noticed that I haven't been to church in weeks. That's just one of the things I've let slide because it's easier to just sleep in on Sundays than to get up and add another thing to my "to do" list. When it comes to my faith, church needs to come first. It's important for me to be there, to have somewhere that I'm growing and being fed. I can't just not go to church because I need to sleep.

Priorities. It's all about priorities right now. I need to figure out what's more important and then figure out where I can make cuts. If I keep doing everything I'm doing now, I'm going to run myself ragged and eventually my body is just going to shut down. It's time for a much needed change so I can be a happier and healthier person phyiscally, mentally, and spiritually.

Trying to wrap my brain around it

2010-10-16T19:37:00.002-04:00

Yesterday after work I received two pieces of bad news. My aunt called to tell me that my uncle's grandpa, the one we all affectionately called grandpa santa because of his white beard, passed away unexpectedly yesterday morning. We're all still kind of in shock and while we're all putting on a strong front, I know we're all hurting inside. The funeral is set for Tuesday so I'm taking the day off of both work and classes to be with my family.

Then, Diana called me from Youngstown. I expected her to be calling to tell me about the test she was taking for a new job and instead she was calling to tell me that our friend Jen (who she's now related to by marriage because Diana is married to Jen's cousin) had a stroke yesterday afternoon at the age of 25. The only thing we really know is that Jen apparently had a blood clot that ruptured on the left side of her brain. When I talked to Diana at 6:00 last night, Jen was still in the ER and her dad was trying to catch the next flight out to Florida to be with her. (Jen lives in Florida because her parents divorced in second grade and her mom still lives down there).

I just can't wrap my brain around the fact that Jen had a stroke at the young age of 25. She's always been one of the healthiest people I know since battling cancer at age 3 and now she's laying in the hospital because she had a stroke. How do these things happen? I just don't understand it. It's just not fair.

I'm dying for an update on how she's doing. I sent a facebook message to her mom and her aunt and I've been texting Diana every few hours to see if anyone has heard anything and I've heard nothing in over 24 hours.

I'm a mess. Between grandpa santa dying yesterday and Jen having a stroke I'm just numb. I don't know what to think or how to feel. I did a 5k walk today with a couple of my coworkers that helped clear my mind but now I'm baby-sitting and the kids are entertaining themselves so my mind is just wandering and thinking the worst and I hate that. I just want an update. I just don't understand how these things happen. :-/