Life begins at the end of your comfort zone

I was texting earlier tonight with my friend Aaron, who has also become my personal trainer, and we were talking about how nothing good comes from staying where you are comfortable. We were discussing the fact that I am allowing him into a very vulnerable area of my life and I know there are times I'm going to want to quit because I am uncomfortable and don't like the idea of allowing him to speak truth, but by pushing out of my comfort zone, I am opening myself to the idea of growth.

As we were talking, I was thinking about all the times that I've stepped outside of my comfort zone, how nervous and unsure I was, but looking back, I can see all the victories that came from those moments. I've always been the type of person who doesn't like to take a risk, who has allowed fear and uncertainty to creep in, and to stay where it's been easy. But in the past several years, I look back and I see where I took a leap of faith and the amazing things that came from it.

In 2014, I left the church I grew up in to go to Crossroads. I felt stalled in my faith and I was craving community with people my own age. Not only has my faith grown by leaps and bounds, but I found the community I was craving and I've grown into a leader who builds into others. I was baptized in 2016 in New Orleans on a Go trip and began to untangle the lies that I grew up listening to. I've started to fully understand my identity as a child of God and what it means to be loved unconditionally.

In 2015, I moved out of my parents house for the first time (other than college) and lived with one of my best friends. Living on my own presented it's own challenges but in that year, I let go of my finances and entrusted them into the hands of two of my married friends I trusted with my life and I allowed them to speak truth into a very sensitive area. I have since paid off all of my credit cards, paid off one of my student loans, and another one will be paid off next month! I learned how to budget and because of them, when I lost my job back in October, I didn't have to worry (as much) because I had some money tucked back into my savings account.

In 2015, I stepped down from my lead teacher position at a job I was comfortable at and took a part time job at CFS that allowed me to begin fulfilling my school counseling passion. I was blessed to work alongside two of my best friends, and a year later, I was able to leave the preschool completely and went full time at CFS. I built our school program to be successful to the point that we had a waiting list for our school groups, and I built relationships with school staff who made me the professional I am now. For four years, I got to watch the lives of students change every year. I watched them have breakthroughs and let down their guards to allow me in to show them what it means to have one caring adult in their life who believed in them. I was devastated when we closed in October, but I will forever be thankful for those four years.

In 2017, I said yes to a girl I had never met before, someone who sent me a DM on Instagram, where we bonded over our love for education and Jesus. I had secretly followed her fitness journey and her freedom for a year before I finally said yes to a free group she was running, thinking I would never stick with an at home program. Two and a half years later, I am in the BEST shape of my life, getting amazing reports from my doctor, and have just said another yes to one of my good friends who is a personal trainer, committing to once a week sessions with him to take my health and fitness journey to a whole new level. I found freedom from the emotional eating I struggled with for so long, and I am finally beginning to break the strongholds with my eating issues by trying new foods.

When we were chatting tonight, one of Aaron's final comments to me was "Eventually you'll look back through the rear view mirror with gratitude. Keep your eyes focused ahead right now. Let's get it in 2020. The best is yet to come!" Those words are going to be written on post-its and placed in different places that I can see them because he's right: when I look back over the past six years and see the growth that has happened from leaving my comfort zone, I am filled with gratitude. I am not where I used to be. Instead, I am stronger, healthier, and happier. There have been many, many ups and downs over the past six years, but each bump in the road has added to my story and made me that much stronger.

Bring in on 2020. I am ready for the best that is still waiting to happen!

When fear creeps in

Sometimes, life gets hard. It's been close to a year since I last updated my blog. Writing was something I told myself I would do more of and as life gets busy, it took a backseat. I made a promise to myself that 2020 was going to be a better year, that I was going to practice self-care, and get back to the things I love, including writing. 

Coming into 2020, and starting to work on my goals and vision for the year, I realize how hard I still am on myself. I feel like I keep finding myself in a perpetual valley that I can't climb out of and I am struggling to allow those who are close to me to sit in that valley with me. I get stuck in my head and feel like I am a burden and I don't know how to ask for help when I need it.

Last night at church, I got called out by one of my close friends. We were having a conversation about this goal we've set of doing the 5k at the Pig this year and how my hope is that it will be a jumping point to train for the half again next year in 2021, with the hope of PR'ing in that half. He's always so positive and he was dreaming big about these bigger goals he thinks we should accomplish and I immediately shut him down. I told him that training for a half was difficult enough, that I knew I could never do more than that, and on and on it went. He immediately pushed back on me and asked me why I do that to myself, why I constantly say I can't do something instead of allowing myself to believe that I can do it. I tried to jokingly push back and I told him that training for a half marathon was difficult enough, that everything that could go wrong, did go wrong while I was training and I knew my body couldn't hold up to 26 miles. He just shook his head at me, telling me that he hates when I respond this way instead of believing that I am capable of doing anything I set my mind to.

A little later, I found myself doing laps around the outside of the church building (in tall boots with a heel on them of course) and immediately complaining that I couldn't walk in these shoes, that I hated that he was making me do this, etc. I even joked with some friends after that I didn't like him for making me do this, that I was going to be sore, and my boots weren't made for 5k training. As we were waiting for our church service to start, he called me out and told me I was being negative and he asked me why I was being that way. I shot back with the fact that I wasn't, that I was being honest about my feet hurting, and he pushed back and told me that my immediate response to anything is negative. I didn't know how to respond, so I turned away from him on the pretense of having a conversation with another friend, but I was hurt. I was angry. I didn't like being called out and I especially didn't like it because I thought he was wrong.

After sitting on it for all of service and then having a conversation with one of my friends on the parking team about how much the words spoken from main stage got to me, I realized that he was right. That of course made me even more angry. And it made me sad. I didn't appreciate being called out and I hated that not only had he noticed it, but one of my friends on the parking team saw through what I was feeling last night too and spoke some truth to my heart.

So why was I angry? And why was he right? Because I am negative. I know friends who will argue that but it's true. I am quick to tell myself I can't do something. I am quick to shoot down new ideas because I am fearful of failure. I fear the unknown. I don't like change. It doesn't matter how much time passes and it doesn't matter that I've been doing the work in therapy, I still get stuck inside of my head. I still struggle to believe in myself.

I was quick to anger and hurt last night not because he was right, but because he saw right through me. He knows me well enough that he is not afraid to call me out and speak truth to me. He saw a piece of my heart and that scared me. I think I do a good job of keeping my walls up and not letting people get close and instead, I have this community of people who see the real me, who care about me and aren't afraid to call me on my stuff when I need it.

As I've sat and dwelled on this for the past 24 hours, I realized that my self-deprecating side needs to go. Back in the fall, I visited my childhood home and let go of the chains that were holding me back and told myself that fear no longer has a place here. But as new opportunities arise and as things have changed A LOT in the past few months, I've let that fear creep back in and I've started letting those lies creep back in.

I want 2020 to be a year of complete freedom. I want it to be a year of healing. That can't happen if I don't believe it to be true. So while I was angry in the moment with how last night played out, I am thankful for the people who see the real me and aren't afraid to call me out on it. Fear has no place here and it's time for those chains to go. 2020 is a year of freedom, healing, and grace. I am speaking it into existence. Let's do this.

Friendship and loyalty

One of the hardest things to do, is to sit in one of your favorite places, with someone who loves you, and to look at them and tell them that you don't believe you are worthy enough to be loved by them. However, that's exactly what I did last night. The deeper I get into my therapy sessions, the more I am unpacking the lies that I've spent my entire life believing. Last night, I finally spilled out my heart to Vince, who has been in my life for the past 11 years, but with whom I've always had a fear of being honest with about my past because I'm just waiting for him to decide I'm too much and for him to walk away from me.

Some days, it is incredibly hard to get out of bed. It's hard to walk through my day to day routine without dealing with the anxiety that floats through my head. I hear myself talk and then I ask myself how ridiculous I sounded. I question myself in meetings because I don't believe I am "professional" enough to have a voice. I spend time with my friends and I feel like I'm a burden. I catch myself in many settings putting on a mask because I don't want people to see just how much I am struggling.

But every day, I get up and I push through. I tell the lies in my head to shut up. I remind myself of how far I have come and how strong I am. Last night, I sat in one of my favorite spots, staring at the river, and poured my heart out to my best friend. I explained to him about my past, the lies that had been told to me, the things I witnessed, and how much I honestly believe I am not worthy enough to be loved. I told him I believe that I am broken and that there is something wrong with me. I waited for him to freak out, waited for him to tell me I'm too much, and it NEVER happened. Instead, he hugged me, shook his head, and reminded me that he's never going anywhere. He reminded me that we all have baggage and that maybe not everyone talks about it, but it's not going to change our friendship. He reminded me how much he loves me and that he's always going to be here to support me and listen when I need it.

He didn't have to come down this weekend. He's in a transition period of a new job and has had stuff on his own plate. But he knew I needed him and he knew I needed to get this off my chest so he made me a priority. Being four hours apart, it's not always convenient for us to have weekend visits and phone calls, but we make it happen because we treat each other as a priority. I spent a good chunk of today replaying our conversation from last night and being fearful that everything has changed, that he didn't actually mean it when he said he'll always be there for me. Logically, I know these thoughts are not right, but my anxiety gets the best of me and it makes the doubts creep in. When he hugged my goodbye this morning, he reminded me to think with the logical side of my brain and to ignore the lies he knew would creep in today. I know that things haven't changed, because in true Heather and Vince fashion, we spent the rest of today texting and he told me he missed me. It sounds silly to have a text like that mean so much, but it's a perfect reminder that my heart needs because it reminds me that I have people in my life who care about me, despite my baggage.

Right at this moment, I am thankful that I spilled my heart out. I am thankful that he finally knows the truth and that it doesn't change anything. The more I face my past head on, the stronger I become. I am learning to work through the anxiety, to tell the lies to shut up, and to believe that I am strong and brave. My past can't hurt me anymore. The person who spent 16 years tearing me down no longer has control over me. I refuse to allow events from the past to control my relationships. Each day is a new day and each time I tell my story, each time I cast out those lies, I just become that much stronger.

"Don't be afraid, for I am with you.
Don't be discouraged for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand."
--Isaiah 41:10 

The one about grace

This weekend, I am headed north to visit my best friend for the weekend and I’ve already prepared him for the fact that I am going to pour out a lot of what is on my heart to him. We’ve been friends for 11 years, but I’ve never been truthful with him about my childhood and the inner struggles I still battle as an adult because of it. I sent him a novel tonight with a picture I took of a journal entry I just wrote and told him it was time. He’s never pressured me to share but he knows there are scars I carry and the only way I’m going to continue to find healing is to share my story and to grow from it. Part of my fear in telling him (and anyone really) is that I’m always afraid people will see me as too much to handle and decide there is someone better out there to be friends with. I know it’s completely illogical but that’s just how my brain works. 

Tonight I was reading in Ephesians and came to this verse, which prompted my whole novel of a text message that I sent to him. As I journaled this, I was reflecting on the fact that while there is brokenness and pain in my story, there is also redemption and beauty from the ashes. God has taken my story and used it to bring freedom to the students I work with. Every day I get to watch my experiences transform the lives of my students because I can fully relate and understand the pain they are experiencing and going through and show them that there is something beautiful that can come from their own experiences. 

While I wouldn't wish my story on anyone, I know there are good things that have come out of it. Everything I have been through has only made me stronger. Last week at our women's group, we talked a lot about grace and most of the women in my group talked about how we struggle to give ourselves grace for the things we've thought about ourselves, the mistakes we've made, and the struggles we've experienced. One of the women in my group shared about how when she first became a believer, she stood in front of a mirror and apologized to herself for the things she had done and how much it changed her. I thought about how I make my students write out affirmations on a mirror and how apologizing to yourself could be so incredibly powerful. I shared with the women in my group that that was what I was going to do this week and then asked one of my friends to hold me accountable to it.

Tonight, I stood in front of my mirror with worship music playing and I apologized to myself for spending so many years believing the lies from my childhood, for shoving down my feelings, and for shutting people out and not letting them get close. I can't even begin to describe the peace I felt from that experience and the freedom I know is going to come from learning to give myself grace. I know I still have some growing to do, but just like this verse says, I have been created anew to do the good things He planned for me so many years ago. It's time to start living that truth out. 

Mental health care is OKAY

I was originally going to make this a Facebook post, but then I realized it would become a novel so I decided to break out the blog. Two back to back nights...this never happens! However, I had a therapy session today and some things the counselor said to me are stuck on my mind and writing has always been my outlet, so here I am.

In my line of work, I am a huge advocate for mental health awareness and care. When you work with students five days a week who have been exposed to trauma, how can you not advocate for mental health care? However, what I am learning is that in all the times I advocate for my students, I have not been taking care of myself.

Anyone who knows me, knows that 2018 was a shit storm. That's honestly the best way I can put it. I finally reached a breaking point and asked for a referral to a counselor, a move that was HUGE in my world, but one that is turning out to be rewarding. I've seen her three times since December, with another appointment scheduled for two weeks from now and each time I've come home and cried because I am completely overwhelmed at how it feels to take care of myself. I've been taking care of my physical health for almost two years but haven't stopped to take care of my mental and emotional health. I am one of those people that goes to one of two extremes: I either feel so deeply that it takes over all of my functioning or I go into complete avoidance mode. 99% of the time it's the avoidance route because I don't know what to do when I feel big emotions. Crazy right? I teach my students coping skills but don't know how to take care of myself.

Today I sat in the counselor's office and I spilled out so much anger and hurt and frustration, emotions I didn't even realize I was fully feeling. I've spent so much time pushing them down, that I had zero clue that they existed or that I was struggling with them. She asked me again about what brings me joy and what makes me feel happy and I struggled to answer her question because I honestly don't know. She gave me homework and told me that I need to continue working on setting limits, learning to say no, and that I need to try and focus on the things that bring a smile to my face every day. She encouraged me to carry around a small notebook to record when these big feelings come over me, with instructions to acknowledge them but not to engage until I had time to sit in them.

We talked a lot about my safe place, the place I feel most comfortable and free and my answer was actually surprising when I said it out loud to her. What I am learning in my sessions is that I live my life always feeling as if the other shoe is going to drop and expecting certain people in my life to walk away from me, because it's what I am used to and what I tolerate. I sat on the couch and cried to my mom tonight, telling her that I am realizing where the consistency in my life is and that my safe place is associated with my safe people and that I need to be truthful with both of them, because I am only hurting myself by bottling up these feelings.

The counselor also suggested I make more time for journaling and self care, so I asked two friends to hold me accountable to actually taking that time out for me. I told the counselor I feel guilty at telling people no, because I always worry about disappointing people but I can't continue to fill others if I don't fill myself first. So at least once a week I plan to make time for me, whether it's a bubble bath, taking myself out to dinner, going for hot chocolate, browsing a bookstore, etc. Self care is SO important, especially in my line of work. Plus, living back at home has been an adjustment and I got used to all my solo time and I crave that time and space for myself. There is nothing wrong in needing time alone to recharge and regroup.

Friends, if you are reading this and you are struggling and unsure of how to deal with life, please please take a lesson from my book and allow yourself to see someone. There is zero shame in advocating for your own mental health and admitting that we aren't created to do life alone. This has been the hardest two months in allowing someone into these spaces that I've kept bottled up for so long, but it's been so incredibly rewarding. My mom even reminded me tonight that while it hurts now, there is going to be so much freedom on the other side. My hope is that my story will inspire even one person to realize that we aren't meant to do life alone. Always remember that you are WORTH taking care of. Never feel bad about advocating for yourself. It is the best gift you can give to yourself.

Worthy of love

Last weekend, I spent the weekend in Cleveland with my best friend, unwinding and relaxing after what has felt like a whirlwind crazy past few weeks. He kept telling me he felt like he should be entertaining me, but what I needed last weekend was a weekend to just be. I had told my mentor earlier in the week that I was looking forward to the weekend in Cleveland because I always come home feeling relaxed and I sleep better there than I tend to do at home.

While I was there, we had a conversation that struck me right in the heart. I don't think he quite understands or realizes how much that conversation impacted me, but it's been on my heart for the past week. The details of the conversation aren't important because what he said to me was pretty personal, but it was personal enough that I didn't know how to accept it. In fact, I'm fairly confident I laughed when he said it, which now I feel terrible about. I realized in thinking back on our conversation that the reason I laughed at what he said is because I don't know how to take a compliment. I wanted to disregard what he said to me as not true, when in reality, he seldom has sappy moments on me (I'm the sap out of the two of us) so when he does say those things, I need to remember that he says them for a reason and that he actually means them.

As I've sat on the words he said to me for the past week, I've realized that my problem is that I still don't believe that I am worthy enough to be loved, whether it is from my friends, my family, or even a relationship. Somewhere in my head I struggle to believe that people actually genuinely care about me and that instead, they just "put up with me." It sounds dumb even as I type it, but when I get inside my own head, it gets ugly. This is part of why I am in therapy....to sort all of this stuff out.

I had a conversation with my kindergarten best friend a couple of nights after my Cleveland trip and she spoke some much needed truth into my life. She laughed when I first told her about what I was feeling and even said that means the first 26 years of our friendship mean nothing. HA! But she was quick to remind me that those lies I still hear in my head are just that...lies. She reminded me that the people in my life LOVE ME and don't just "put up with me," as I phrased it. We were texting earlier tonight and she told me that she loved me and then said "By the way, tell your brain I meant that." I had to laugh because I know that she loves me, just like I know all the other people in my life love me. I just need to get out of my own head and fill my heart with truth.

I am thankful in particular tonight for these two friends of mine. To think one friendship has spanned 27 years is insane. I don't even know how I am old enough to have been friends with someone for that long! But I am thankful that when I look back on my life, the good, the bad, the ugly and all the in between, Diana is the one consistent person in my life. Our friendship has survived growing up on the same street, then her moving 30 minutes away and changing schools, me moving four hours away, our college years, her getting married, and so many other things we've been through. She is the person who is and always will be my biggest cheerleader. She tells me how it is, even when I don't want to hear it. She is the person who will cry with me, laugh with me, and pick me up when I need a friend. We go months between visits but it's as if no time at all has changed. We have been through it all together and I am so thankful to say I have a lifelong best friend in her.

As for Vince, well, I still find it odd sometimes that we are friends and he would agree with me. We are six years apart in age, have never lived in the same city in the entire span of our 11 years of friendship, and yet somehow he's become the other half of me I never knew was missing. There is no one who makes me laugh as much as he does, no one who puts me in my place the way he does, and no one who gets my heart the way he does. We get into the most ridiculous shenanigans together, but at the end of the day, when I need someone to sit and listen to me cry and vent or someone to pick me up, he is the person I go to. Our friendship is 100% built on communication since we have never lived in the same city and I think because we had to build our foundation that way, we quickly realized we had something special and we've worked hard to keep that communication open, no matter what life has thrown at us. Life would be so different without him and I am thankful every day for his friendship.

Between Vince and Diana, my life would be so incomplete because I would constantly feel as if something is missing. They are my go to people, the friends who love me right where I am and the friendships that have sustained years, distance, and so many life changes. Both of them will probably laugh at my sappiness but they are both a huge part of the realizations I have been learning, both in counseling and in my reflective quiet times and without them, I wouldn't be the person I am today.

Feel the fear and do it anyway

Today is day three of our new fitness program but I am swapping out my end of the week rest day to tonight. I had my second counseling appointment today and I can already tell these days will be draining so I am allowing myself the flexibility to flip my schedule as needed.

I was talking to one of my best friends on my way home, asking her to hold me accountable to the homework my counselor gave me. The counselor and I talked a lot today about setting limits for myself, allowing myself the freedom to say no to things and to build in time for myself on a weekly basis. She also told me that much like I make time to make my workouts a priority, I need to make my mental health a priority as well. She gave me another assignment, one that is going to be difficult but one that I know is going to lead to some major break throughs in my life. She reminded me that sometimes it’s okay to be “selfish” and to allow myself space to rest, to feel, and to grow.

Reaching out and going to counseling is by far one of the hardest decisions I have ever made in my entire life. And just like Shaun T says on a regular basis in his programs “Embrace the hard. Growth comes from leaving your comfort zone.” Nothing about this part of my journey is easy. Letting my walls down and working through my baggage is hard.

But what I do know is that when you walk in obedience to where God calls you and have faith in His timing (and the fact that your best friend has been praying about this for YEARS), then He rewards that faith. I know He is going to make something beautiful out of my broken mess. I don’t know what that is yet, but I do know that this journey will be worth it when I get to that beautiful destination. 

Reflections on 2018

As I reflect back on 2018, I don't think I've ever been so thankful to see a year come to a close as I am this one. It feels as if 2018 was just one hit after another and I spent a good chunk of the year treading water, pretending I was fine when I really wasn't. I put on a smile and pushed people away so they couldn't see how I was really breaking inside. 

But, as I look back on and process through 2018, I know that in time I will see areas of growth. When  this year first started, I had so many goals and dreams and hopes, all of which slowly fell apart as the punches just kept coming. I was having a conversation with a friend recently when we were in the car driving downtown and I told her that I feel like a constant hot mess, one who struggles to see her worth. We were processing through some relationships in my life that have fallen apart, talking about work and areas that I still struggle with in my career, and just life in general. As I shared with her words that my counselor had spoken over me, she kept asking me if I could see how huge this was for my life. I may not see it as a victory, but allowing myself to see a counselor was a huge step towards freedom, one she specifically has been praying for for me for years. I've always been resistant to the idea of talking to someone because I see it as a weakness to my own life, but yet I encourage my students to talk about their feelings and struggles. 

About a month ago, I was having a conversation with another friend and telling him about a realization I had had one night as I was driving. I told him I felt like I was being led towards the words "worthy," "loved," and "beautiful" as my words for 2019. Each year I choose a word that becomes the theme of my life for that year and while I don't know that there was one for 2018, I feel as if God is going to use those three words in 2019 to bring freedom to my life in so many areas this year. These three words are wrapped up in so much pain and brokenness in my mind and heart and this year I intend to speak those words into truth and let go of the pain associated with them. Last night I sat and created my goal sheet for 2019 and made sure to set goals of regular quiet times with my Bible, along with reading books and surrounding myself with people who will remind me of my worth. 

2018 was a difficult year, one I am glad to see coming to an end. However, I genuinely believe that 2019 will be a year of freedom, growth, and identity building. My confidence increased in some areas in 2018, but I believe that in 2019 God is going to break the strongholds in my life and teach me what it means to be beautiful, loved, and worthy. At this time a year from now, I want to be able to look back and see how God redeemed my brokenness and turned my story into something beautiful.  

The importance of friendship

I had a lot of time in the car today to think, something I think my brain and heart very much needed. There wasn't much on the radio (even all my satellite radio stations changed to Christmas music) so I was able to let my mind wander and process through some stuff that's been on my heart for awhile.

Over the course of the past year, I started evaluating the relationships in my life. I could hear God speaking some truth into my life when I went to Woman Camp back in the spring about a particular friendship I had been clinging to because we had been friends since high school. I could hear God nudging my heart, showing me how unhealthy that friendship had become. Then this summer, that friendship shifted due to some life changes. Shortly after, I had another friendship shift, one that was surprising and unexpected. I've learned that when emotions get involved, someone gets hurt, and inevitably, it always seems to be me.

With these shifting friendships have come questions about my own worth. I struggled to understand why I was good enough to be someone's go to person, the person they went to for advice, to hang out with, etc. but the minute someone "better" came along, I was cast aside and forgotten about. I couldn't understand why some of these relationships that have been years in the making were suddenly extinct.

What I've learned in 2018 as I've struggled through one of the hardest years of my life, is that the people who genuinely care about me, the people who love me unconditionally, these are the people who fight for me. They are the people who sit with me in a Mexican restaurant and tell me to stop shutting them out, that they want to carry my burdens. They are the people who send Voxer messages to me several times a week and pour truth into my life. They are the people who drive two and a half hours just to have lunch with me to celebrate Christmas. They are the people who turn down the radio in the car and listen to me vent and cry. They are the people who send me $5.00 via Venmo and tell me to treat myself to Starbucks and to remember that I am loved and that God has my back. They are the person who I meet on a mission trip who go on to change my life by pointing me to Jesus on a regular basis. They are the people who are married with kids who make time to take me to the theater to see my favorite Broadway production for my birthday. They are the kindergarten best friends who sit with me in a restaurant on Fountain Square and listen to me cry. They are the friends who sit in my office and let me cry, even when I don't know why I'm crying. They are the people who give up a Sunday to film video clips for my coaching business and who hug me when I need it most. They are the people I text with an immediate prayer request and they immediately send out prayers. They are the people who hug me on Saturdays while we hold doors open at church and remind me of the God who loves me and is holding me up when I feel like I am alone. They are the people who I spend time with that I only see a couple times a year but with whom I pick right back up again. They are the people who send me text messages just to say hi and let me know I haven't been forgotten about. They are the people who I've never officially met in person but who show me Jesus by loving me and building my confidence. They are the people I meet through a hiking group that I feel like I've known forever after meeting just once in person. They are the people I used to work with who now live in other cities (or even overseas!) but still call me when big things happen in their lives that they want me to know about or who send me facebook messages just to tell me they miss me. They're the people who live clear on the other side of town but who text me regularly just to check in or talk to me about Disney World or ministry. They’re the friends who live in another state but who get my heart and encourage me to dream big when I tell them I want to write a book and who call me when I’m crying and feel like I’ve just had my heart broken and remind me that I will get through this season of change.

These people are the ones who remind me of Jesus and of my strength. These are the relationships that are important. I spent so much of 2018 mourning the friendships that were changing and trying so hard to cling to them but what I've come to realize is that my worth is not found in those people. I was tying myself to people who didn't make me a priority and not seeing the beautiful friendships I still had right in front of me. 2018 was a hard year but I am thankful for these people who have loved me despite the messiness and remind me of what's important.

So if you are reading this and you are one of those people...thank you. Without all of you, my life just wouldn't make sense. Thank you for loving me and always being the people who build me up when I need it most. You are an important piece to my life and I can't imagine life without all of you. Thank you for being the best part of my story in 2018.

Be Still

I haven't touched my blog in over a year. There's no real reason for it other than...life. There have been so many changes since that last blog post. I moved in with a friend for a year, life shifted and I moved back home, I started a health and fitness journey, I've traveled a lot...I could go on and on about all the things that have happened.

But...that's not what's on my heart tonight. I've had several friends suggest that I blog, especially after sharing with them that I wanted to write a book someday. Writing a book for teen girls centered around identity has been a dream of mine for a long time, something I am hoping will come to fruition someday. For now, my blog will become a place for me to share the things on my heart and to make sense of life when it gets complicated.

Each day, I hear stories from my students that break my heart. When I look at some of my students, I see myself. I see my childhood. I see the brokenness. I see the pain. I see the longing for someone to love them and understand them. I see the struggles to open their hearts, wondering if they can actually trust me or if I will be just another adult that lets them down. I see them finally let their guard down. I see stories of redemption and beauty that comes from the ashes.

Each day, I look at my family and friends and see their burdens. I pick them up and I carry them. I listen as they cry. I give advice. Sometimes I lecture. I laugh with them. I cry with them. I hug them when they need it.

But...I see myself. I see the girl who stares back at me from the mirror, the girl who has grown in confidence over the past year and a half, but who still doesn't know how to be still. I see the girl who carries the weight of the world, of her friends, her family, and her students, but doesn't allow anyone to carry her weight. I see the girl who keeps busy to avoid her own thoughts. I see the girl who doesn't know how to grieve and hurt and cry. I see the girl who tries so hard to be strong for everyone else but doesn't know how to be strong for herself.

Back in November, I finally cracked. While I have grown tremendously and found strength inside of me that I didn't know I had, I also realized that I don't know how to allow myself to FEEL. So after a day of driving to work in tears, being unable to put to words how I felt, I fell apart in my doctor's office and asked for a referral to a counselor. I knew I could no longer carry the burdens I have been carrying for far too long and I asked for help.

Yesterday, I had my first counseling appointment. It was filled with tears, just like I knew it would be. But in that first session, I began to open the cracks and I began the healing process. My counselor called me out on how busy I am, on taking care of everyone else but not taking care of myself. She asked me what made me feel joyful and I honestly could not answer her. I told her how difficult 2018 has been and that looking back, I'm not sure how much joy there had been. I told her I feel as if I have lost sight of who I am, what I enjoy, and what brings me joy. I told her about the losses of three people from my life this year, losses I didn't know how to grieve because I was too busy being the strong person for everyone else.

In that session yesterday, she gave me homework. She told me that at least twice a week I need to give myself 30 minutes to lay on my bed and just feel. She told me to set a timer and for 30 minutes I need to let my brain sort through the past year and to allow whatever emotions I feel to come to the surface. She gave me permission to cry. She gave me permission to hurt. She gave me permission to be angry. But, she also reminded me to not sit in that place. She told me that when the timer goes off, to tuck it back in and to remind myself I will come back to it again the next day and I can sit in those emotions again. Her final instruction was that after I tuck those feelings away, I need to live. I need to remember the good things I have in my life and to find what makes me joyful. She doesn't want me to sit in those feelings of anger and sadness and to instead remember what makes my life joyful and worth living.

I know this isn't going to be easy. But, I trust that just like watching my students overcome their struggles and to find the beauty in their brokenness, that God is going to redeem my story and make something beautiful out of these ashes. He has a beautiful plan and purpose for my life and I need to keep those reminders front and center when life gets hard.

This blog is going to be the story of redemption, of hope, and of beauty. It won't always be pretty, but it's my story and I know God is going to do something beautiful through it all.

When God changes your trajectory...

For some people, Mother's Day is a difficult day. For me, it can be bittersweet. Don't get me wrong...I have an amazing mom and an amazing sister who show me everyday what it means to love unconditionally. I am thankful everyday for the relationship I share with them. However, sometimes Mother's Day reminds me that I may never have children of my own and that makes my heart hurt. 

When I was 21 years old, I was diagnosed with a condition that changed my life forever. I found out that I may never be able to have children of my own and I was heartbroken. When I was in college, all I wanted was to get married and have children and all I could see at that time was my whole life crumbling before my eyes. I couldn't understand why God would take the one dream I had for my life. Didn't He hear my prayers? Didn't He understand that my whole identity was tied up in someday being a mother? 

As I got older, my prayers changed. I began to find my identity in Jesus and began embracing the season I was in. A couple of weeks ago, my mom and I had a long heart to heart on a Friday night about this season I currently am in, where I am single, no closer to being married, and with no kids. She asked me if I ever found myself upset at the diagnosis I had been given and I was honest and said that while at one time I had been distraught at the idea of never carrying my own biological children, I realized there are so many kids in need that being a mom someday is still not out of the question. 

A year and a half ago, I began asking God to mold my heart, to break off the pieces of my life that didn't reflect His glory, and to shape me into the woman He created me to be. I began with my finances, allowing friends I trusted with everything to speak truth into a very sensitive area. Since then, I have watched God continue to trim off the pieces of my life that don't reflect His glory and He's given me a heart that wants to be like Him. 

I find at times that I feel lonely and question why God has never given me a husband or kids, knowing that is still what I desire, even 11 years post diagnosis. When the loneliness sets in, I reach out to friends who understand this part of me, friends who are sitting in this same season or who have been in my spot, and I spend a lot of time in Scripture, allowing God to speak gentle truths to my life. I question whether this desire is mine, or a desire that God has given to me. I have always been told that if God gives you a desire, He will fulfill it, just in His timing. I haven't figured out if this desire for marriage or kids is mine, or if it's one from God that eventually He will fulfill, but I trust Him enough to sit in this season and to continue chasing after Him. At the end of the day, all I want is to be more like Jesus, whether that's chasing after Him with a husband and kids by my side, or if it's as a single person. I know He has good plans for my life and I trust that.

Since the night my mom and I had the conversation about my diagnosis and being a mom, I have been thinking about all the kids who don't have the luxury of being part of a loving family. Someday I hope to be a foster parent, and eventually I would like to adopt but until then, I will enjoy this season of being single and loving the kids currently in my life.

This weekend at Crossroads was Compassion weekend. Brian Tome gave a message about the good samaritan and then challenged us to take a step of faith to sponsor a child in need. Going into service tonight at Uptown, I had ZERO plans to sponsor a child. I had given it a little thought this week knowing the service was coming, but I hadn't really stopped to pray about it. Today, I was putting money into my envelope system and looking at my finances, and it hit me that God has blessed me abundantly since stepping out in faith a year and a half ago to get my finances under control. He has given more to me than I deserve and I have been looking for ways to give back what He has given me. As I sat in service tonight listening to the message, I could feel the Holy Spirit nudging me, reminding me of the conversation I had had with my mom a few weeks ago where I had mentioned there were other ways of being a parent and other ways of caring for children and I knew what was going to happen by the end of service. When the worship band launched into Good, Good Father, I was done for. I got up out of my seat, walked to the wall, and picked up an envelope. With tears streaming down my cheeks, I filled out the packet, walked up on stage, and made a commitment in front of the entire Uptown community that I was going to sponsor and care for this child until they turned 18. 

Meet Sharon. She is 4 years old and lives in Nicaragua. She loves art, drawing, playing with dolls, and playing house. She also loves Sunday school, doing arts and crafts, learning about God, and getting to eat snacks. I am so excited that for the next 14 years...yes FOURTEEN years, I will be sponsoring her monthly. The money I sponsor each month will provide her with Biblical teaching, health screenings, supplemental food, counseling, community service opportunities, vocational training, and educational assistance. 

I may not physically be a parent, but by sponsoring Sharon, I am giving her the opportunity to grow, flourish, and be successful. I can help point her to Jesus and give her a solid foundation for her future. My heart is overflowing with love, joy, and peace. Please join me in praying for Sharon and her family. I can't wait to start writing her letters and to someday, travel to Nicaragua and meet her. 

God is a good, good Father and I am so thankful for the ways He continues to mold me into His image. 

"Then when you call and the Lord will answer. "Yes I am here," he will quickly reply. "Remove the heavy yoke of oppression. Stop pointing your finger and spreading vicious rumors! Feed the hungry, and help those in trouble. Then your light will shine out from the darkness, and the darkness around you will be bright as noon. The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength. You will be like a well-watered garden, like an ever flowing spring."

--Isaiah 58:9-11 

Growing pains

Crossroads is smack dab in the middle of the I Am Journey and already I feel as if I am learning so much about myself. I can see the ways God is moving, and how He is slowly changing my heart and how I view myself. I think I have complained every single year for the past three years about the journey because I know it's in those intense six weeks that I am going to learn the most about myself and it's also in those six weeks that God is going to intentionally move in my heart. There's a lot of fear in intentionally letting God into those areas that you've clung to for so long and allowing Him to work a miracle. But oh the sweet freedom that comes with surrender. So while I have complained, these are some of the times I love the most at Crossroads.

Two weeks ago, I ran away to Gatlinburg for a solo trip. I needed a long weekend to recharge and refocus my energy where I knew I needed it to be. I have always wanted to take a solo trip and decided that Gatlinburg was a good place to do that since it was close enough to home to be doable, but far enough away for it to be an actual getaway. I worked a ton of crazy hours leading up to the day I left so I was able to leave work early that afternoon and I made the drive down. As soon as I crossed the state line, I felt myself relax for the first time in a long time. I didn't realize just how tense I was until I fully relaxed during that weekend. I was able to go at my own pace, do my own thing, and not have to worry about what other people wanted to do. I slept in late each morning, I went on random drives through the mountains, and I sat in the sun and people watched. I even ate dinners alone at actual sit down restaurants...and I enjoyed it!

I learned a lot about myself on that weekend and decided I would blog about some of the lessons I feel as if I walked away with, which ironically enough line up really well with the I Am journey.

1. I make a lot of excuses for myself.
I have realized that I have a lot of fear surrounding trying new things, whether it's food, getting out of my comfort zone to go someplace new, or even as simple as working out. I make excuses and tell myself that I can't do it, that I won't like it, and that others are watching me and I can't disappoint them so I might as well not even try. Some of my greatest adventures in life have come from saying yes to things and from getting out of my comfort zone. I went to Haiti four and a half years ago on my very first mission trip and it changed my life. I switched churches three years ago and found some of the greatest friends and community that I could ask for. I went to New Orleans last summer and was baptized and able to let go of my past. I quit a job that I was at for eight years to take a job at a non-profit and now I'm in my dream job.

These are all situations I never would have found myself in had I not said yes to them. However, even in the midst of the times I've said yes, they are followed closely by all the times I've said no and made excuses. I KNOW that I am capable of anything I put my mind to. Logically I know this. But in my heart...I still listen to that little voice that tells me I can't do something and so I will listen to that small voice versus listening to the voice that tells me I CAN. Letting go of control and fear is hard. It's something I am working on in my discipling relationship but in the meantime...I still make a lot of excuses for myself. I am hoping this is a habit I can kick by the end of 2017.

2. I project a lot of what I think others see in me on myself.
Does that make sense? I look at myself in a mirror and I am very, very hard on myself. I tell myself (and I am NOT fishing for compliments...this is just me being honest) that other women my age are prettier and skinnier than I am, that people see me and question why I don't work out, why I don't dress a certain way, etc. It's HARD. It's a hard place to find yourself. The only person who has room to have any opinion over me is God and it says in Psalm 139:14 "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." I am WONDERFULLY made. I am created in God's image and yet...I struggle with seeing it. I hold back around others because I fear what they are thinking. I assume that people think the worst and so it's easier to tell myself that than to do anything else. I can't take a compliment to save my life and always have some kind of rebuttal for it. This is something I need to STOP doing because it is killing my self-image and self-esteem. I "fake it till I make it" regularly and it needs to stop.

3. I find a lot of my self-worth in my performance and what I do. 
I was challenged recently by the woman discipling me to stop and examine how I introduce myself to someone. Where do I find my identity? What is the first thing I say to someone new when I introduce myself? I realized that when you think about small talk, it always comes down to the same things: What do you do for a living? What do you enjoy doing for fun? Where did you go to school? These are the places people jump to and that's where a lot of my identity comes from. I love my job and I'm quite honestly doing what I've always dreamed of doing: working with students. But yet...I doubt. A lot. I look at where my program was when I was first hired on and where it is now and see how it's grown. But yet...I doubt. I question whether I am good enough to do this job. I question whether someone else could do my job better than I could. I question the impact I am having on my students. I question whether I am driving the teachers and staff members crazy when I ask questions. My identity is NOT tied to whether I succeed at my job or not. My identity is NOT tied to numbers. My identity is NOT tied to needing constant affirmation that I'm good at what I do. My identity is rooted in Christ, and that's all that matters.

So much doubt. So much struggle. But...so much freedom. When Jesus was up on that cross He knew that someday, these would be the battles raging inside of me and He took those battles to the Cross with Him and He gave me victory over them. The more I pour myself into my relationship with Jesus, the more freedom and victory I will see in my life. I am thankful for that long weekend away. I am thankful for the quiet times and the words of truth spoken into my life during those quiet times. I am thankful for my discipling relationship and how Stephanie speaks honest, hard truth into my life and loves me in the midst of my struggles. I am thankful for the people who surround me and see past the flaws in my life. I am thankful for these struggles because I know that not only will they make me stronger, but they will also give me a wonderful story to share with people someday.

"But whenever someone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord—who is the Spirit—makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image."
--2 Corinthians 3:16-18 

Reflections on 2016

Man, I can't believe it is February already! Once again, my blog has gone to the wayside as life has kept me crazy busy since the last time I posted in July. I wanted to share some of what I learned in 2016 and talk about my goals and hopes for 2017.

I never imagined going into 2016 that it would be a year that flipped my life upside down. I started 2016 by baring my soul to two people I trusted very dearly. I sat at their kitchen table and wept over my finances and the control they held over my life. I told them I was tired of calls from collection agencies and I was tired of living paycheck to paycheck and worrying how I was going to make it. Over several weeks, I laid it all out on the table. I listed out all the debt I owed, from my credit cards to my student loan debt. We made a plan to get everything into repayment: no more defaulting on student loans, plans to have credit cards paid off, and money to go into my savings. I allowed Kate and Chad to create a budget spreadsheet for me, one that they had access to at anytime through google docs. The accountability was terrifying, but something I knew I desperately needed.

I'm not going to lie: the first couple of months were HARD! We had to tweak numbers but before I knew it, several months in, I was seeing everything in my budget stay in the green and I was slowly adding money to my savings account. I was tithing on a regular basis to my church, which I love, and  the collection calls finally STOPPED! On top of that, I purchased health insurance, something I had never been able to afford on my own before! I had gone years without having coverage so this was a major breakthrough. It wasn't the greatest coverage, but I had it and it'll keep me from paying an awful penalty when I file my taxes. Not only was I able to purchase health insurance, but I also paid off not one, but TWO credit cards in 2016. I have one left that will be paid off in about three months and once that's paid off, it'll be just my car and my student loans!

I love looking at my spreadsheet and watching the columns turn green as I come in right at budget or even under what we allotted. My impulse spending has come under control because I know I'm going to have to enter all of those receipts into my spreadsheet and I never want to go over what I have allotted in certain categories. I even love having my envelope system. Each envelope has money tucked away for serious things like car repairs to fun things like vacations. I have a system that works and I LOVE it! I never, ever thought I would enjoy budgeting but there has been so much growth in my attitude over the past year and knowing that I am living comfortably, my debt is shrinking, and I have a savings account. Who ever thought I would get to this point? I definitely never did!

One of the greatest victories that came out of freedom from my finances was going full time at my dream job, something we had spent a YEAR praying for. From the time I was hired on in the fall of 2015 to the time I went full time in October of 2016, we prayed for God to move mountains and open doors and my honest belief is that because I chose to walk in obedience and trust Him with what He had given to me, He rewarded me with more than I could ever imagine. On top of going full time at my job (which obviously came with more money), I now find myself in a position where my friends are asking for finance help and suggestions for budgeting. ME! I NEVER would have been able to say that a year ago. It's crazy how God moves mountains friends.

In my last blog I talked about the freedom I found in New Orleans on a Go trip when I finally decided to let go of my past. While there are still things about my past I am wrestling with, I no longer carry around anger, hurt, or bitterness on a daily basis. I look at my past and I think about the lessons it taught me and the strength I have because of it. Since New Orleans, I have been in a discipling relationship with one of the trip leaders. She holds me accountable in numerous areas of my life and is pushing me to overcome some of the strongholds that I've had for far too long. Having someone constantly praying for me and checking in with me is a comfort and having that spiritual push has been so good for my faith.

What else happened in 2016? I finished my second half marathon alongside some great friends. It was painful, but I crossed that finish line! As soon as I crossed the finish line I fell into my friend's arms and burst into tears. I had never wanted something so badly so even though I didn't train properly I finished. It wasn't without a panic/anxiety attack at mile five but I did it. I was so thankful for my amazing roommate who stayed by my side the entire time. She could have finished way before I did but she stayed with me and cheered me on when I honestly, literally could not go any further. With each mile I threatened to sit down and give up, she kept me going. She even entertained my fan girl moment at mile 6 when we ran into my favorite B105 personalities and I had to introduce myself to them! I could not have finished that race without her next to me.

I moved home in May to be closer to work. I miss living with Jamie dearly. I miss coming home to her funny stories. I miss binge watching shows on Netflix and ordering pizza on Friday nights. I miss her laughing at my dumb stories and our random adventures for milkshakes and ice cream cones at McDonald's at 10 o clock at night. It's been hard going from seeing someone every day to having to schedule time together but I am thankful for the nine months we lived together and the growth I saw in my life from having her as my friend.

I bought a car two days before Christmas that I fell in love with. Because I had worked so diligently on my finances, my credit score was better than I expected and my interest rate is lower than I expected. I am thankful to have a reliable car, especially since I spend four days a week driving around the county to different schools.

My work program is exploding and I love my job dearly. I work alongside some amazing women who want to change the world and I get to work alongside one of my best friends, something I am thankful for everyday. It's comforting to know that when I need to fall apart she is there and she encourages me when I still struggle with doubts about things in my life.

So what does 2017 hold? I decided that 2017 was going to be a continued year of growth. Each year I pray for a word that becomes my theme for the year. I don't know that I chose a word specifically in 2016 but looking back, I truly believe my theme was freedom because of the freedom that came in numerous areas of my life. This year, I hear God calling me to LISTEN. I don't 100% know how that is going to translate this year, but it's already showing up in words my friends have said to me. My friends speak some serious truth into my life and it's up to me to listen to what I believe God is saying to me through them.

Along with that, I am hearing Him ask me to listen and embrace these various seasons that He has me in. One area I have struggled with as I inch closer to my mid-30s is the fact that I am still single. I used to look at my singleness as a curse, asking God over and over again why He has asked me to continue being "alone" while all of my friends are getting married and having babies (or their second or third babies) and I realized at the end of 2016 that there were areas of my life (like my finances) that I needed to relinquish control over before I could move forward. This season of being single is not a curse. It's a joy and I want to revel in it. I get to travel and see new places. I get to grow my close friendships. I pour myself into a job I love, where I get to mentor an incredible group of high school students. I get to spoil my nieces and nephews. I get to grow and become confident in who I am as an individual.

I think I see being single as a curse because I know there are things I'm not "good at" or that I "can't do" alone. That's part of the discipleship relationship I'm in. I told the woman mentoring me that I want to learn to be independent and do things on my own. What does that look like? I have NO idea! Right now, it's starting small. I am working on a small craft project for our fall Disney trip. I booked a solo trip to Gatlinburg for next weekend over the long weekend where I am staying in a hotel, sleeping in, spending some time with my Bible and journal, and even having a sit down dinner...alone! I want to learn how to embrace doing things solo and on my own. I don't want to sit and watch life pass me by because I am waiting for a man to be my side to complete me.

I don't know if God has marriage in the cards for me. If He does, great. If He doesn't, I want that to be okay too! I want my life to reflect Jesus and the desires that He has for my life. I don't want to follow the plans I have for myself. I want to follow the plans that He places in my life. 2017 is going to be a year of growth and listening to what He is asking of me. It's about going out on new adventures and trying new things. My prayer is that when I look back a year from now, I will be able to see all the places that God called me to LISTEN and I obeyed and walked by faith. 2017...here we go! :)

Whatever pleases you will be my path

The last time I opened my blog was four months ago. The last blog post I made was about struggling with the concept of forgiveness towards a person I was convinced didn't deserve it. I didn't think I would ever understand or be able to forgive this person for hurting me.

Then...I went to New Orleans. I signed up months ago, but the whole time I went through the process, I was wavering on whether I thought this is what God was truly calling me to. I made excuses saying I couldn't afford the deposit...and then my roommate cut my rent in half for that month. I sent out support letters, convinced the money wouldn't come in, especially as it came down to the last week before the final money deadline...and I ended up going over the amount that we were supposed to raise. The extra money I raised went towards sending another person in my Go Group on the trip.

I could clearly see God at work, and even still, I doubted the timing of the trip. I found out just before we left that I could be losing my job when I got back and asked myself if it was financially responsible to be leaving for a week when I didn't know what my job situation would be like when I got back. Right before we left I learned we would make payroll and that I was going to be okay. God provided, even as I doubted.

At the beginning of the week, we found out that one of my really good friends was no longer in remission from the cancer she had battled the year before. I was numb, not understanding why it seemed as if one hit after another kept coming. The night before we left, one of the guys in our Go Group was in the hospital with food poisoning. The first day in New Orleans, another guy in our group was bit by fire ants and dealt with issues from those all week. It seemed as if everywhere we turned that week, Satan was attacking our group.

He was attacking because he knew what God was going to do. God went before us on that trip and the victories that came out of New Orleans still make me cry tears of happiness. On our second to last night in NOLA, we had a night of encouragement with our Go Groups. That was the night I finally admitted to my team that I felt like I hadn't led them the way I thought a good leader had, that I had let all the things bothering me bring me down. This amazing, amazing group of people were quick to love on me and build me up, in a moment where I truly felt like I had nothing left in me.

That same night, my best friend of 14 years decided that he wanted to be baptized. The change I had seen in him over the course of the week we were in New Orleans was incredible. It was so humbling to watch God knock down barriers in his life and to see the freedom that was coming to the surface. Little did I know what God had planned for the following day.

At the end of Friday, we had a celebration service to celebrate all the good things that had been done that week. The celebration service was also going to include the baptism celebration. Throughout that service, we were encouraged to have a conversation with God about what He wanted us to hear from Him. Then, the song Good, Good Father came on and all my walls came down. I knew I was not the person that my biological father had said I was all those years ago. I was not the identity that I had carried for years. I was a loved, cherished, beautiful daughter of the King, of a Father who loved me and showed me grace, even when I didn't know what it looked like. After worship, we were encouraged to write out a prayer to God, to tell Him what was on our hearts. I wrote a heartfelt apology, telling God that my identity was not what I had carried for years, but that I now knew what it meant to accept love and grace. I told him that I didn't want to carry around the anger and bitterness and pain I had grown up with. I wanted Him to free my heart to move past what had bound me for so long.

After we wrote out what we wanted to tell God, we put our cards in a bowl and selected a Scripture verse. Mine said something like "I loved you before you even knew it." I was done. I sat in that pew and cried my little eyes out because I now understood just how much God loved me as a Father. For months prior to Go NOLA, I had felt God calling me to be baptized, to make a public declaration of my faith in Him. I kept saying the timing wasn't right and always had an excuse to not do it. Our trip director got up and spoke and kept saying "Why wait?" and I heard God asking me "Why do you keep waiting to do the things I have asked of you?" I knew in that moment I had to be baptized that day. I sent my roommate a text and told her I thought I wanted to be baptized and she asked if I wanted her to do it. I couldn't even see through my tears so I put my phone down, found her eyes in the pew, and nodded my head yes. Even as I had made this decision, all I could still about was how I didn't want to overshadow the decision that my best friend had made. I asked him if he would be upset if I chose to be baptized that day too, and his response was to tell me to shut up! He told me that he would never tell me no and then even went on to tell me it was meant to be because I had packed extra clothes in my bag thinking I was going to be the one baptizing him. That set off a fresh new round of tears as I realized that God knew even before I did what would happen that day.

I had struggled with the decision to be baptized because I had been baptized in high school after being told it was just the next thing to do after I became a Christian. I never fully understood what baptism signified until this year and that's when I could hear God asking me to walk in obedience to be baptized. I am so glad I finally listened to that calling because when I came up out of that water, I knew I was a brand new person. Everything from my past has been washed clean and I have a clean slate to start over on. That identity I carried for so long doesn't exist anymore and I can now fully say that I forgive my dad for what happened in my past and that I pray someday he has the peace that I do through Jesus.

Not only did I have the blessing of being baptized alongside my best friend, but I also had the honor of baptizing one of the girls in my small group. Friday was a day full of tears and freedom and I learned just how good God is. People told me going to New Orleans would change my life, but I never knew just how much was going to change. I can't wait to go back next year.

So what happens from here? I continue to walk in obedience and trust God. I still don't know what's going to happen with my job, but I know that God has a plan. I also put myself out on the line and asked for someone to disciple me, someone I had met while in New Orleans last week. That was another area that I had fought God on and I'm tired of fighting. I want to trust Him and I want to walk in obedience because I have seen the fruit and the freedom that come from it. He is a good, good Father.

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Life lessons and messy hearts

My desk is a mess, much like my heart is. My calendar is full, showing how busy life has been keeping me these past several months. But it is here, in the midst of the busyness and mess that God is pruning me and teaching me what it means to kneel at the Cross.

The last time I sat down with an empty page on my blog was over a year ago. In that moment, I was so excited about all the changes that were happening in my life. God was bringing me into a new season, a season I very much fought against initially. That season in my life lasted close to a year, full of one change after the next. I grew as a person, as a leader, and most of all, as a follower of Christ. I sit here, over a year later, thankful for what I saw God do in those months as a I struggled to stay above water and I struggled to learn how to lead an amazing group of women that He blessed me with. I am thankful for the group of women He has given me on Saturday mornings that I can wrestle through the messy parts of my life with and know that at the end of the day, they still love me despite the mess.

Over the course of the past year, I learned how to be a leader. I learned how to make myself vulnerable to a group of strangers so that they could grow and get to know Jesus on a deeper level. One of these women became my roommate, someone I am so incredibly thankful for on a daily basis. I don't tell her enough, but I appreciate her so much for listening to me when I know she has to be sick of my stories, for seeing me cry, for knowing when to be silent, but also knowing when I need her to lovingly speak the truth into my life, no matter how much it hurts. She pushes me outside of my comfort zone on a regular basis and watching her grow has pushed me to chase after Jesus in a way I never knew I could do before.

Over the course of the last year, I learned how to make myself vulnerable financially. Back in the fall, Crossroads began the I'm In Campaign. For nights I went over and over my budget, looking for all the ways I could scale back so I could lovingly give to this church that I love to call home. As I did that, I learned what it means to lay your finances out on the line and to allow people you are close to speak truth into them. I am thankful every day for one of my married couple friends who sat down with me and have taken numerous nights out of their busy schedules to make sure I am financially secure.

Over the course of the last year, I learned how to step out of the boat and take a chance. Back in the fall I was offered a job at an organization that is now so near and dear to my heart. I heard God calling me to seek out a change and I am so glad that I did. Not only do I love getting up and going to work daily, but I love that I work with two of my closest friends. I love that I can come to work and be honest about when I am struggling and to know that they love me anyway. I am thankful that my job allows for the flexibility of family and the things that come with being in a family. I love that I can (for the most part) make my own hours and work around the different things that unexpectedly pop up in my life. I am thankful that these two amazing women who are now not only my friends, but my coworkers, took a chance on me and are teaching me to be confident in my job. They push me when I need it but through them, I have learned to fly on my own and love what I do.

In all the good moments, it is easy to think that you are on top of a mountain. It's easy to stay in that contented zone of things being good and thinking how blessed you are because of how God has provided. But it's in that moment, that very moment when we get comfortable, that God tells us "Not so fast. I'm not done with you yet," and presents us with moments for growth. I am in that season right now. Things have been so good and yet, there is still one area of my life that I have never given God full access to and that area is my childhood and the pain that went along with it. Things have happened over the past several months that have led to the pain of those wounds being reopened and instead of pushing that pain away and forgetting about it, I am learning how to deal with it. I am learning what it means to lay my burdens at the Cross on a daily basis and allowing Jesus to take care of the things I can't tackle on my own.

I sit here, surrounded by my to-do list, my calendar, and the many amazing people in my life and yet...I feel very much alone. I know for me that it is my way of coping and I am glad that I am not allowing myself to wallow in that aloneness. I am reaching out and seeking out people who are holding me accountable and pushing me to work towards forgiveness to a person I never wanted to give forgiveness to. I was so sure that people were sick of hearing about my "drama" and seeing me cry, but they are proving me wrong. This core group of people I surround myself with love me DESPITE the mess of my heart and are pushing me to seek Jesus in these moments that I want to wallow in the pain.

Does it make it hurt any less? No, definitely not. There is still pain and tears and brokenness but from that comes beauty. God is going to redeem my heart in a way that only He can. There isn't a single person on this earth that can offer me redemption and freedom. Those come only from seeking after Jesus and allowing Him to make a change in my heart. I want that freedom. I want it so badly that I can taste it but there is also fear in wanting that freedom. There is fear in the unknown. But I know, at the end of the day, no matter what happens, I have Jesus and that makes every fear and every unknown worth it.

Walking in obedience

For the past several weeks, I have been blown away time and time again by how faithful God is as I continue to walk in obedience and follow the path He is setting out before me. A few weeks ago, I blogged about how I was give an opportunity that I never thought I wanted, one that I found myself praying over. Well, since then, I very distinctly had friends speak truth into my life that only confirmed what I knew God was calling me to do.

When I first started at Crossroads and got involved at crux, I repeatedly told my friends that I was in a season of my life where I was only meant to receive. I had spent the past five years serving and pouring into others and I thought for sure this was going to be my season of rest and receiving to build back up where I felt I was struggling. Well, it wasn't but a few months of being involved with crux before my friend Laura reached out to me and asked me to facilitate a small group of girls within our pod. We were growing exponentially and we were becoming too big to stay together and really be able to dig into what we were learning at crux. I very hesitantly agreed and found out that facilitating came naturally to me. I enjoyed the small group of girls I got to do life with each week and loved that we checked in with each other over the course of the week and were praying for each other outside of crux. I remember telling Laura that even though I was facilitating, I most definitely did NOT feel called to be a pod leader. I was comfortable where I was and I was finally starting to form relationships with the people I had spent months running from. Surely God wouldn't ask me to give that up...would He?

Well, imagine my surprise when Laura and Josh approached me in February and told me that they thought I was ready to be a pod leader. I had to have had the most dumbfounded look on my face because I knew there was NO way that was ever going to happen! They told me to think about it and pray about it and to see where God took it. I immediately (and I mean not even 24 hours went by) sought out three very close friends that I go to for spiritual advice and asked them what they thought and all three were in agreement that they thought this was a good move for me. They had seen what God was doing in my life through crux and Crossroads and they thought I was ready for something more. 

I spent another two weeks praying about it before I found myself spilling everything out to Megan via text messaging one afternoon while sitting in the middle of a Panera praying and listening to worship music. It's funny how God uses people and brings them back into your life at a moment when you need them most. Megan and I have been friends FOREVER and even when we go months without talking, somehow God puts us back together when we need each other the most. I found myself telling her all about how I was wrestling with God over being a leader and how I was unsure I was qualified to do it and kept coming up with one dumb reason after another for why it wouldn't work. She told me to take the song Oceans by Hillsong and to use that song as a prayer. She knew I was headed to meet with someone in leadership that night and knew that song would give me the answers I would need, which is funny because that's one of the first songs that played during a Saturday night service when I first started at Crossroads last spring and it quickly became my anthem. All I wanted was for God to lead me deeper than my own feet could take me and that's exactly how this past year has played out. 

The night I said yes to being a pod leader, we were doing a worship and community night at crux and Oceans just happened to come on over the loudspeaker as we were moving to our first rotation. As soon as that song started, I felt a peace that could have only come from God. I immediately pulled out my phone and text Megan, who of course told me I was having a God moment! As we moved from one rotation to the next, Laura commented to me that she thought I looked peaceful and I realized in that moment that I was. I knew by saying yes to being a pod leader and stretching out of my comfort zone, that I was walking in obedience and doing what God was asking me to do. 

Over the past two weeks, I've had moments where I know I'm exactly where God wants me to be. It's still weird to me to not be with the group that I spent the past year developing relationships and growing with, but I know I'm where I'm supposed to be. I thought for sure no one could love me the way the girls from my old pod did, but last night, the girls in my new pod, the ones I'm supposed to be leading, made me cry and loved on me in a way I never expected. We were talking about repentance and the things we were struggling with and I found myself getting antsy, knowing I was feeling nudged by the Holy Spirit to be vulnerable and share something very personal with them. As I found myself spilling out this moment of intensity, I was inwardly kicking myself for opening up so quickly. Imagine my surprise when these amazing women immediately asked if they could lay hands on me and pray over me. 

As I sat there with my head bowed, all I could do was sniffle back tears at how good and how faithful the Lord is. I wanted this to be a year where I was stretched out of my comfort zone and it certainly has already been that way. I tried to put my own timeline on God's plans and He very gently turned that timeline around to what He wanted. I am so excited to do life with these incredible ladies (well and the guys too...but especially the girls!) and I know God has big plans for our pod for this year. 

I am especially thankful for the friends who aren't afraid to speak truth and love into my life and know me better than I know myself. They make me strive to be a better person and to run after the Lord wholeheartedly. It's a blessing to have people I can chase Jesus with and to know that they love me and will have my back when I need them the most. Walking in obedience isn't always easy, but the rewards are oh so sweet.