So my body apparently hates me. This is the conclusion I came to around 1:30 or so this morning when my right ear was throbbing in pain. Just for the record, the infection is in my left ear but what started as a single ear infection has now turned into a double ear infection. Blah.
I've spent all day asking people to repeat what they've said because I can't hear out of either one of my ears very well. I'm really hoping at least one pops before the staff Christmas party tomorrow night or that could be entertaining.
I just have to say that my two year old niece is the cutest thing ever. I love hearing the new phrases she comes up with and the stories she has to tell me when I get home from work. Oh and my nephew tells fun stories too. I love them. :-)
Ok, I'm off to Christmas shop with Megan. I should hopefully be completely finished tonight!
Friday, December 12, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Ear infection and thanks
First off, a huge thank you to my wonderful bbff who re-did my blog for me while I was sick! I absolutely love it!
Second, I wish I could say I feel better but that would be a lie. I do feel a little bit better but I went to urgent care tonight (yeah I need to work on getting health insurance asap because that visit cost me $95!) and the official diagnosis is an ear infection. Apparently it's bad enough that I actually ruptured something in my ear but it's a very small perforation and once the antibiotics begin working, it'll heal itself.
I took the first round at 8:30 and I can already feel them working. My ear is working to clear itself and it feels like it's trying to pop but has yet to actually do so.
I feel horrible because I went out yesterday (I actually went Christmas shopping with Adrienne) and then we met up with Tym, Amy, and Michelle at Bdubs later last night but I was only able to stay for an hour because my ear started hurting so badly. I'm amazed I was able to drive home I was in so much pain.
I was up pretty much all night last night because it hurt so bad but whatever was in my ear ruptured and the pain subsided enough to let me sleep. Hopefully tonight I'll get a good night's sleep since the pain is gone. I definitely overdid it yesterday though by going shopping and then out with friends.
Alright, I'm off to shower and read before bed. Thanks again to Megan! :-)
Second, I wish I could say I feel better but that would be a lie. I do feel a little bit better but I went to urgent care tonight (yeah I need to work on getting health insurance asap because that visit cost me $95!) and the official diagnosis is an ear infection. Apparently it's bad enough that I actually ruptured something in my ear but it's a very small perforation and once the antibiotics begin working, it'll heal itself.
I took the first round at 8:30 and I can already feel them working. My ear is working to clear itself and it feels like it's trying to pop but has yet to actually do so.
I feel horrible because I went out yesterday (I actually went Christmas shopping with Adrienne) and then we met up with Tym, Amy, and Michelle at Bdubs later last night but I was only able to stay for an hour because my ear started hurting so badly. I'm amazed I was able to drive home I was in so much pain.
I was up pretty much all night last night because it hurt so bad but whatever was in my ear ruptured and the pain subsided enough to let me sleep. Hopefully tonight I'll get a good night's sleep since the pain is gone. I definitely overdid it yesterday though by going shopping and then out with friends.
Alright, I'm off to shower and read before bed. Thanks again to Megan! :-)
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Sick
I've been home sick for the last two days. I was offered overtime this week and Monday was the only day I got it. Sadly, that four and a half extra hours of overtime is just making up for part of the time I've been sick and I'm actually losing hours on this paycheck now. *sigh*
I had plans to go back to work today and my stomach thought otherwise this morning. Now of course I feel fine and I could probably have gone. Oh well. I just hope my boss isn't too upset, especially since we were down a teacher this week already due to her honeymoon.
Alright, I'm going to go lay on the couch and maybe eventually find the energy to take a shower and get out of the house for a little bit later.
I had plans to go back to work today and my stomach thought otherwise this morning. Now of course I feel fine and I could probably have gone. Oh well. I just hope my boss isn't too upset, especially since we were down a teacher this week already due to her honeymoon.
Alright, I'm going to go lay on the couch and maybe eventually find the energy to take a shower and get out of the house for a little bit later.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Nothing
I have done nothing this weekend. And by nothing, I truly mean nothing! I have not left my house since Friday when I went to the grocery store right after work. I have had no energy or motivation to really want to do anything.
It's actually been kind of nice not seeing people. I've been turning people down left and right who have wanted to hang out and I was actually even glad when Carrie told me she was busy today after I had asked her if she wanted to go Christmas shopping because by the time she text me back, I had even lost the motivation to do that.
Tomorrow begins my crazy week at work. Monday-Wednesday I'm working 7:30-6 everyday and then going back to my normal 12-6 Thursday and Friday unless they need me early again. It's going to be hell waking up early to make sure my car has de-iced itself before I leave but the extra money for Christmas and bills will be nice.
Alright, I'm off to once again do nothing productive and then go to bed early since I have to work early tomorrow.
It's actually been kind of nice not seeing people. I've been turning people down left and right who have wanted to hang out and I was actually even glad when Carrie told me she was busy today after I had asked her if she wanted to go Christmas shopping because by the time she text me back, I had even lost the motivation to do that.
Tomorrow begins my crazy week at work. Monday-Wednesday I'm working 7:30-6 everyday and then going back to my normal 12-6 Thursday and Friday unless they need me early again. It's going to be hell waking up early to make sure my car has de-iced itself before I leave but the extra money for Christmas and bills will be nice.
Alright, I'm off to once again do nothing productive and then go to bed early since I have to work early tomorrow.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Loneliness
I've come to the conclusion that even at 24, even after three years of Reslife, and even after having friends who are known for being outgoing, I still struggle to meet new people. I have this tendency to think that when I meet someone new who is introduced to me through a friend, they are not my friends, but just the friends of a friend. This thought makes me stand on the outside looking in and unsure of where I stand.
For the last few weeks (maybe longer actually) I've been attending Cru at UC with Tym and it's been an amazing experience. Week after week I keep hearing messages that I know God wants me to hear on that particular night. Each message speaks directly to my heart and touches on an area I'm struggling with at that particular moment.
Tonight's message was about Christmas and how God fits into Christmas but Catherine made a comment about how the holidays can sometimes be hard for all of us due to various things we may be struggling with, such as loneliness.
That's when I had an aha moment. As soon as those words came out of her mouth, I'm pretty sure I lost track of everything else she may have spoken about. Luckily, that keyword came towards the end so I didn't miss much but she did give us an opportunity to pray about what we were feeling. As I took those few moments and turned my heart towards God, I could feel that I needed to step out on faith and try to ease this loneliness by reaching out.
That's exactly what I did. As I talked with Tym and some other people at the end of Cru, I kept waiting for the perfect moment to go talk to Catherine. At first I didn't think it was going to happen, as she always seemed to be in conversation with someone but I finally noticed a moment when she was alone. I almost talked myself out of it, telling myself I was crazy and that this feeling would pass. But then I realized if I didn't seize the moment, I'd end up regretting it.
As I approached Catherine and asked her if we could talk, I had to tell myself not to start crying. Reaching out is not something that comes easily for me, especially when I'm reaching out to someone I don't really know. I even explained this all to Catherine who understood so well and helped me to put into words what I was feeling. I explained to her about applying to UC, about wanting to get plugged in, and about the loneliness I'd been feeling. I told her I felt I needed accountability from someone other than just Tym, as he's a guy and can't always understand. She talked about various options with me and then encouraged me to keep in touch with her and to keep trying to get plugged in.
Tonight was not easy for me at all. To reach out and talk with someone I don't know is something I don't normally do. However, I know God has led me to Cru for a reason and I know that in order to get the most out of it, I need to get plugged in and start trying to meet new people. I need to get over this fear of meeting new people and being afraid of what they think. I wish this came easier to me but it doesn't. However, I need to learn to keep trusting and to know that God knows what is best for me and when He leads me somewhere, He is not going to let me fall without a safety net. It still doesn't mean it's going to be easy though.
For the last few weeks (maybe longer actually) I've been attending Cru at UC with Tym and it's been an amazing experience. Week after week I keep hearing messages that I know God wants me to hear on that particular night. Each message speaks directly to my heart and touches on an area I'm struggling with at that particular moment.
Tonight's message was about Christmas and how God fits into Christmas but Catherine made a comment about how the holidays can sometimes be hard for all of us due to various things we may be struggling with, such as loneliness.
That's when I had an aha moment. As soon as those words came out of her mouth, I'm pretty sure I lost track of everything else she may have spoken about. Luckily, that keyword came towards the end so I didn't miss much but she did give us an opportunity to pray about what we were feeling. As I took those few moments and turned my heart towards God, I could feel that I needed to step out on faith and try to ease this loneliness by reaching out.
That's exactly what I did. As I talked with Tym and some other people at the end of Cru, I kept waiting for the perfect moment to go talk to Catherine. At first I didn't think it was going to happen, as she always seemed to be in conversation with someone but I finally noticed a moment when she was alone. I almost talked myself out of it, telling myself I was crazy and that this feeling would pass. But then I realized if I didn't seize the moment, I'd end up regretting it.
As I approached Catherine and asked her if we could talk, I had to tell myself not to start crying. Reaching out is not something that comes easily for me, especially when I'm reaching out to someone I don't really know. I even explained this all to Catherine who understood so well and helped me to put into words what I was feeling. I explained to her about applying to UC, about wanting to get plugged in, and about the loneliness I'd been feeling. I told her I felt I needed accountability from someone other than just Tym, as he's a guy and can't always understand. She talked about various options with me and then encouraged me to keep in touch with her and to keep trying to get plugged in.
Tonight was not easy for me at all. To reach out and talk with someone I don't know is something I don't normally do. However, I know God has led me to Cru for a reason and I know that in order to get the most out of it, I need to get plugged in and start trying to meet new people. I need to get over this fear of meeting new people and being afraid of what they think. I wish this came easier to me but it doesn't. However, I need to learn to keep trusting and to know that God knows what is best for me and when He leads me somewhere, He is not going to let me fall without a safety net. It still doesn't mean it's going to be easy though.
Monday, December 1, 2008
On love and dating
This is a topic that has been on my mind a lot lately. At the age of 24, I can now understand how big of an impact society plays in love and dating. Stereotypes lead society to believe that by the age of 24 you should be settling down and getting married and possibly even be having kids. If you're not, then obviously something is wrong with you.
I do not fit any of the criteria above. I am not dating someone, I am obviously not married, and I am nowhere near having children. Don't get me wrong-I want all of that someday and I want to believe that because it is a desire of my heart, that God is going to fulfill it. However, I know God's ways aren't always my ways and it could very well be that He may not have someone for me.
Truthfully, am I going to be okay with that? In time maybe. However, right now, the idea of not getting married and having a family someday hurts. It hurts a lot. My friends like to blow me off when I talk about not being in a dating relationship and how uncertain I am that God has that perfect someone out there for me. What they don't understand is how much it truthfully hurts to know that just because it's a desire of my heart, doesn't mean it's a desire of God's heart.
Last week, I was subbing in kindergarten for the third day in a row and I had a conversation with one of the 4 year old girls from the class across the hall. She was sitting in my lap and we were reading a book when she looked up at me and asked me if I was married. I lightly laughed and replied with, "No K, I'm not married." She then asked me why not and I told her I hadn't found Mr. Right yet. She told me that she thought I needed to get married and should go out that weekend and get married. I just laughed again and sent her on to another activity.
That conversation has stuck with me ever since. Trust a 4 year old to get right to the heart of the matter. Kids are so perceptive to how we truly feel and part of me is amazed that she seemed to pick up on my loneliness. Then again, it could have been because the older kids were doing the whole "chase the boy/girl you like and tell them they're your boyfriend/girlfriend." Either way, this loneliness has been making my heart hurt since the day I had this conversation with her.
I went on a date last week. Well, actually, I'm still trying to decide if it was a date. Everyone at work seems to think it was, along with my family, but I never can tell with these things. Either way, while I had a great time, part of the evening was just awkward, especially when he was always putting his arm around me. That night gave me the affirmation that we are only meant to be friends and nothing more than that.
I've known that for awhile but man, another dead end. I never expected more than that but sometimes I wish I had a crystal ball and could see the future. Maybe it would make this time of loneliness easier. I don't know.
Yesterday, I went out to lunch with a bunch of the college kids who were home for Thanksgiving weekend. On the way home, when Joe stopped for gas, I stared out the window at the rain and for some reason, memories of another drive and another person came rushing back and it was all I could think of. His face haunted me for the rest of the afternoon and even through part of today when I let myself think about him.
I don't know what triggered the memory. Usually it's a song, like now, that make me think of him, but there was nothing in particular that made me think of him or the memories we've created. I had been having an amazing time and loving every minute of being with some incredible people only to have it all come toppling down by memories of a person who clearly doesn't care as much about me as I do about him.
Sometimes, the loneliness just hits. And when it hits, it hits big time. I'm trying to trust in God and trust His timing, but the hardest part of it all is not being able to talk with my friends about it because they constantly tell me I'm ridiculous for worrying about this subject. If only I could get them to step inside my head for one day and to see how I feel. Then maybe they'd understand. Until then, I'll just keep writing and praying and waiting it all out.
I do not fit any of the criteria above. I am not dating someone, I am obviously not married, and I am nowhere near having children. Don't get me wrong-I want all of that someday and I want to believe that because it is a desire of my heart, that God is going to fulfill it. However, I know God's ways aren't always my ways and it could very well be that He may not have someone for me.
Truthfully, am I going to be okay with that? In time maybe. However, right now, the idea of not getting married and having a family someday hurts. It hurts a lot. My friends like to blow me off when I talk about not being in a dating relationship and how uncertain I am that God has that perfect someone out there for me. What they don't understand is how much it truthfully hurts to know that just because it's a desire of my heart, doesn't mean it's a desire of God's heart.
Last week, I was subbing in kindergarten for the third day in a row and I had a conversation with one of the 4 year old girls from the class across the hall. She was sitting in my lap and we were reading a book when she looked up at me and asked me if I was married. I lightly laughed and replied with, "No K, I'm not married." She then asked me why not and I told her I hadn't found Mr. Right yet. She told me that she thought I needed to get married and should go out that weekend and get married. I just laughed again and sent her on to another activity.
That conversation has stuck with me ever since. Trust a 4 year old to get right to the heart of the matter. Kids are so perceptive to how we truly feel and part of me is amazed that she seemed to pick up on my loneliness. Then again, it could have been because the older kids were doing the whole "chase the boy/girl you like and tell them they're your boyfriend/girlfriend." Either way, this loneliness has been making my heart hurt since the day I had this conversation with her.
I went on a date last week. Well, actually, I'm still trying to decide if it was a date. Everyone at work seems to think it was, along with my family, but I never can tell with these things. Either way, while I had a great time, part of the evening was just awkward, especially when he was always putting his arm around me. That night gave me the affirmation that we are only meant to be friends and nothing more than that.
I've known that for awhile but man, another dead end. I never expected more than that but sometimes I wish I had a crystal ball and could see the future. Maybe it would make this time of loneliness easier. I don't know.
Yesterday, I went out to lunch with a bunch of the college kids who were home for Thanksgiving weekend. On the way home, when Joe stopped for gas, I stared out the window at the rain and for some reason, memories of another drive and another person came rushing back and it was all I could think of. His face haunted me for the rest of the afternoon and even through part of today when I let myself think about him.
I don't know what triggered the memory. Usually it's a song, like now, that make me think of him, but there was nothing in particular that made me think of him or the memories we've created. I had been having an amazing time and loving every minute of being with some incredible people only to have it all come toppling down by memories of a person who clearly doesn't care as much about me as I do about him.
Sometimes, the loneliness just hits. And when it hits, it hits big time. I'm trying to trust in God and trust His timing, but the hardest part of it all is not being able to talk with my friends about it because they constantly tell me I'm ridiculous for worrying about this subject. If only I could get them to step inside my head for one day and to see how I feel. Then maybe they'd understand. Until then, I'll just keep writing and praying and waiting it all out.
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