Not where I pictured I'd be

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and I think a lot of it is coming from being one of the only single people in my immediate circle of friends lately. I don't know how this has happened again but it has and it sucks. My weekends have been spent at home recently because on any given Friday and Saturday evening my friends are out on dates. Maybe that's why I've poured my life into my school work and running lately. It's the only thing I have keeping me going.

This isn't exactly where I pictured I'd be at 26. I thought by now I'd be married and getting ready to have kids. I thought I'd be out on my own instead of still living at home with my parents. The only thing that's going right is that I'm in school working on my Master's, taking steps towards being an advocate for our school children who don't have a voice for themselves. I'm living out my dream and proving to everyone who didn't believe in me growing up that I'm making something of myself.

I know that God has a plan and I know His timing is perfect, but right now, it's another season in my life that I'm struggling with. I'm struggling to understand why everyone my age is settling down in great careers, are in healthy and happy relationships, and are starting their families and God has asked me to remain single for this time. It just doesn't seem fair and maybe it's why I keep losing myself in these situations I know are unhealthy for me.

I hate that I keep letting myself fall into this season. 99% of the time I am perfectly content and don't let it bother me but every now and then I find myself struggling and wondering "why me?" I have so much else in my life that is fulfilling me that I don't know why I let this one area become the thing that I focus on. I'm running full speed ahead at my future, one that is bright as the sun and something I've always wanted to do. I'm in a place health wise where I'm taking care of my body and I'm in the best shape I've ever been in. Running has given me this amazing confidence I never knew could exist in my life. I can look in the mirror and actually like (most of the time!) the person who is looking back at me. We all have those days where nothing we own fits right or when our hair just doesn't want to sit right. It's a part of life. But I can still walk into a room with my head held high, knowing that I'm finally comfortable in my own skin.

So why is it that I still feel myself longing for something God clearly doesn't have for me right now? It's not to say He never will. He may eventually bring along the right person for me, someone He has been molding to be my husband, but right now, He's asking me to be single and to be content with that. I need to learn what that contentment is all about. In the last 11 months, I don't feel like I've learned that at all. I don't know if taking another year off dating is the right response either, but I still feel as if I have a lot to learn about God's plan for my own personal life and where He is taking me. I can already feel Him convicting me in certain areas of my life and I need to stop taking those back from Him. He's trying to teach me lessons that are going to be crucial to my future so I need to step back and let Him reveal those lessons to me or else I'm never going to be able to see the bigger picture He has for my life.

The question is: how do you begin to achieve that contentment? What am I missing and how do I allow myself to be content in the Lord? You'd think after eight years of following the Lord that I would know the answer to that but I don't. Instead, I just keep floundering and allowing myself to get caught up in all these worldly emotions that make me human. All I want is to be Christ like and to let Him guide my life. How do I stop myself from taking the pen back out of His hand?

The life of a busy grad student and runner

I realized I haven't done a proper update in weeks (unless you're privy to my more personal blog on another site) so I figured since I'm procrastinating that this would be the perfect time to do it. I'm not actually procrastinating-I'm giving my brain a small break after writing a reflection paper and taking a quiz before I start researching another paper and take my Stats midterm. :-P

My birthday weekend a couple weeks back was probably one of the best birthdays I've had in years, simply because I've finally reached a point in my life where I'm confident in myself and feel good about who I am and where I am in my life. Vince came in from Athens for the weekend which was fun as always. He put up with all my random shenanigans, including having to drive me home after my birthday dinner because I had two daiquiris that went straight to my head. haha

I ran a 5k the morning of my birthday celebration and finished in 47:48, cutting another minute off of my overall 5k time. I loved that I finished, but the week after the race was a difficult week in my half marathon training because I was disappointed in myself. I had set a goal of finishing in 45 minutes or under, which clearly didn't happen. On top of that, I didn't run as much of it as I had planned on doing because it was cold outside and it hurt my lungs to run in the cold. My training that week was rough because I just kept telling myself I couldn't do it, I don't know why I ever thought I could, and that I was crazy for thinking I could actually do something like running a half marathon.

Luckily, I have a GREAT training partner in Denise who was right there with me every step of the way pushing me and encouraging me and cheering me on through the darkest of moments that week. She kept reminding me of how far I've come since I officially started training in May and how far I've come in the year that I've been working out along side of her while she trained last year for the full marathon. Since that week, my training has kicked into full gear again and I'm now just weeks away from running my first 10k, which is 6.2 miles. I'm running the Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving Day, something I have been eagerly looking forward to for the last couple of months. I completed my first four mile run last week and tomorrow I'm running five miles with Denise.

I have to give Denise major props-without her, I wouldn't be able to do this. She has been there every step of the way with me and she pushes me when I don't think I can keep running. She has put up with all of my whining about my various aches and pains (something I'm becoming accustomed to as a runner!) and my mental state and she still hasn't give up on me. If I were her, I would have gone running for the hills months ago but instead, she stays along side of me and just keeps cheering me on. She is my biggest fan and without her, I wouldn't be where I am today.

Other than the running and my birthday celebration, my life has been all work and school lately. I had to take two six hour inservices for work to keep my certification current so I spent four nights in the last two weeks at work for three extra hours both nights to sit through a Communicable Disease class and a Child Abuse and Neglect course. On those nights I also went straight to the gym for training runs, so I've been busy.

School is stressing me out this quarter. I'm taking a Group Theory and Process class, which I actually enjoy. I wish I had taken it before my practicum last spring because it would have been much more beneficial to running the groups at the school I was at. I'm also taking Stats, which has been the bane of my existence all quarter. All I do is study for that class, which is paying off because I have an A but I'm still stressed over it. I have to take my midterm tonight online so I'm praying I do well on it.

As the quarter winds down, I'm looking at one more quiz, a couple more journals, and a 10-15 page research paper for my Group Theory class. For Stats, I have I think two more assignments, the midterm, and a take home final to complete. My social life is pretty much non-existent between now and the week after Thanksgiving when the 10-15 page paper is due. The only exception to that is chaperoning fall retreat next weekend which I think will be good for us adults, along with the youth. I know all of this hard work is going to pay off when I'm looking at another quarter of excellent grades but I miss having a life!

I've been doing a lot of thinking about my future and where I want to be after grad school is done. I keep going back and forth on moving to Denver and I'm trying to figure out if that's where God is really calling me to. I'm going out for two weeks in June after spring classes are over and taking the state boards out there just so I can have a back up plan incase I can't find a job here. I'm also looking at getting licensed in Kentucky and Indiana since both of those are close to Cincinnati as well. I need to do some soul searching and praying to figure out exactly where I'm supposed to be.

Speaking of my spiritual life...well, that's where I've been struggling the most. I have felt so completely empty lately and finally broke down and met with my small group leader. He encouraged me to "cut the fat" and let go of things that I don't need in my life right now. We tried to figure out where I could make cuts and decided that my side baby-sitting jobs needed to go, especially since most of the families I was sitting for waited until the last minute to call me and I was taking the jobs because I needed the money. Since I was baby-sitting so much, I wasn't getting enough time to do homework and that just added to my stress level. I was choosing to sleep in on Sundays instead of going to church because I wasn't sleeping on the weekends so I could stay up late to do homework. It was a viscious cycle and it was killing me.

My wonderful and amazing friend Heather from OU has been so incredible through all of this. She follows me on twitter and has seen some of my more distressing tweets and so she and I now have a long distance accountability partnership going. We've vowed to spend 20 minutes a day in the Word and share with each other what we've learned and what the Lord is revealing to us. It's been so helpful and has left me feeling so refreshed. God knew exactly what I needed in letting us continue our friendship since we graduated from OU, even if she's in Indiana and I'm here in Ohio. I am so blessed by her friendship and I don't know what I would do without her.

I'm slowly coming up out of the pit that I've been in and can see the light on the other side of the valley. I know we have seasons in our life where we struggle and I'm blessed by the people the Lord has brought into my life to bring me through this latest valley in my life. I still have a lot of struggles going on in my heart (if you're privy to my other blog you know this) but I know that I'm going to be okay. It's going to take baby steps but by God's grace, I know He still loves me, regardless of the sins I commit and the choices I make in my life. His grace covers all and for that I am grateful.

For now, I need to run to the grocery store and then get back to the books so I can finish this midterm and start on my research paper. A few more weeks. I can make it right?

Time to celebrate!

After an emotional week with the funeral and some other stuff going on at work, I'm ready to move forward and enjoy my weekend. Vince is coming in from Athens for the weekend to help celebrate my birthday and I can't for him to be here!

Saturday I'm running my third 5k race with Megan! She picked up our race numbers and our shirts yesterday and I'm pumped to see how well I do this time around. I'm aiming for 45 minutes or under but we'll see how I do. My goal is a good night's sleep tomorrow night so I have the proper energy for the race on Saturday morning. This one is an early one and starts at 7:45 so my plan is to shower and go back to bed for awhile when I get home. :-P

I can not wait to go out Saturday night! A big group of us are going to Don Pablos on the river for dinner and then probably hanging out in Newport somewhere. I'm not really sure what the plan is yet. Plus Adrienne's mom, who is also my second mom, is coming into town and she's going out with us so I can't wait to see her!

Alright, I need to get some sleep. I have to be at work early tomorrow because we're going to be short staffed tomorrow. Here's to a great and much needed weekend!!

Bittersweet

Today is my 26th birthday and it has been bittersweet. My grandpa santa (as we affectionately called him) passed away at the young age of 86 on Friday morning and today was his funeral. I took the day off of work and school and spent the day with my family, celebrating the life of a man we all loved dearly.

I hadn't cried since my aunt called me with the news on Friday afternoon and I made it through a good chunk of the visitation until someone was talking with us and told us that the only way she could describe Grandpa to her son who had never met him was "He truly was santa claus." Cue the water works. There were many, many happy memories shared during the visitation and we spent a lot of time laughing over these sweet, sweet memories we have.

The memorial service at the church was difficult. From the moment they wheeled the flag covered coffin into the sanctuary, I was in tears. The pastor and a few others who spoke during the service moved me to tears, especially when one of grandpa's dear friends got up to the podium and shared with us how grandpa told the doctors right before his triple by pass surgery a couple of months ago that he didn't have anything to lose, because he'd either wake up in the arms of his wife or wake up in the arms of his saviour. I lost it then. To have that kind of faith astounds me and I can only hope and pray my faith is as incredible as his someday.

The service at the cemetary was hard. It was a full military service because grandpa served in the Army and fought during World War 2. I haven't been to a military service since my grandpa (my mom's dad) passed away when I was 10. I teared up during the gun salute but the water works really started when they played Taps and presented the flag to grandma Betty.

As much as it hurts at the loss of this incredible man from our lives, it brings me so much comfort to know he is waiting to greet me in Heaven and that he is walking with the Lord and taking joy and delight at being out of pain and sickness. If I didn't have that comfort of knowing that he's with the Lord I don't think I could have made it through today.

We will always miss grandpa santa and the light and joy he brought to all of our lives. I can't wait until the day we're reunited in Heaven and live together for eternity.

Perspective

I should be sleeping but I wanted to blog out how I'm feeling before I head to bed so I can keep myself in check over the next month or so.

First, an update on Jen. I finally heard from her aunt last night via facebook (yes, I am that person that resorted to facebook stalking to find out how she's doing) and she told me that Jen's stroke wasn't the bad kind, that she's already regained 100% of her speech and is now trying to regain her strength. She's going through cat scans to figure out if they can put her on blood thinners to disolve the clot that caused the stroke and she's still in ICU but the doctors and neurologists are confident in how she's doing. Bonnie told me that Jen is more concerned about getting back to her students (she teaches high school history) than she is about being in the hospital. I told Bonnie that if Jen is worried about work, I know she's going to be okay. I told her that we're all praying for her and to keep me updated on how she's doing.

I met with my small group leader tonight after youth to talk about some things I have going on in my personal life. Lately I've been feeling empty, exhausted, and anti-social. I told Seth I didn't know where any of this was coming from and after a good hour long talk, I feel better about things. I know a big chunk of my problem is that I can't say no to people. Because of this, I have spread myself way too thin lately trying to do everything for everyone. I need to cut some stuff out of my life to make time for me and school. People need to understand that I'm a graduate student who also works full time. I don't have all this free time like they think that I do.

People also assume that I have all the time in the world because I'm single but I don't! I work full time, go to school part time, volunteer with our youth, go to my own small group, go to church on Sundays, and train for a half marathon. That doesn't give me a lot of free time to spare for everyone. I'm just as busy as the next person and something has to give somewhere. Seth called me on the church aspect because he's noticed that I haven't been to church in weeks. That's just one of the things I've let slide because it's easier to just sleep in on Sundays than to get up and add another thing to my "to do" list. When it comes to my faith, church needs to come first. It's important for me to be there, to have somewhere that I'm growing and being fed. I can't just not go to church because I need to sleep.

Priorities. It's all about priorities right now. I need to figure out what's more important and then figure out where I can make cuts. If I keep doing everything I'm doing now, I'm going to run myself ragged and eventually my body is just going to shut down. It's time for a much needed change so I can be a happier and healthier person phyiscally, mentally, and spiritually.

Trying to wrap my brain around it

Yesterday after work I received two pieces of bad news. My aunt called to tell me that my uncle's grandpa, the one we all affectionately called grandpa santa because of his white beard, passed away unexpectedly yesterday morning. We're all still kind of in shock and while we're all putting on a strong front, I know we're all hurting inside. The funeral is set for Tuesday so I'm taking the day off of both work and classes to be with my family.

Then, Diana called me from Youngstown. I expected her to be calling to tell me about the test she was taking for a new job and instead she was calling to tell me that our friend Jen (who she's now related to by marriage because Diana is married to Jen's cousin) had a stroke yesterday afternoon at the age of 25. The only thing we really know is that Jen apparently had a blood clot that ruptured on the left side of her brain. When I talked to Diana at 6:00 last night, Jen was still in the ER and her dad was trying to catch the next flight out to Florida to be with her. (Jen lives in Florida because her parents divorced in second grade and her mom still lives down there).

I just can't wrap my brain around the fact that Jen had a stroke at the young age of 25. She's always been one of the healthiest people I know since battling cancer at age 3 and now she's laying in the hospital because she had a stroke. How do these things happen? I just don't understand it. It's just not fair.

I'm dying for an update on how she's doing. I sent a facebook message to her mom and her aunt and I've been texting Diana every few hours to see if anyone has heard anything and I've heard nothing in over 24 hours.

I'm a mess. Between grandpa santa dying yesterday and Jen having a stroke I'm just numb. I don't know what to think or how to feel. I did a 5k walk today with a couple of my coworkers that helped clear my mind but now I'm baby-sitting and the kids are entertaining themselves so my mind is just wandering and thinking the worst and I hate that. I just want an update. I just don't understand how these things happen. :-/

Road trip!

I'm headed to Youngstown tomorrow after work. I haven't been since my whirlwind trip for Diana's wedding in June so I'm excited for some much needed time with my bestie. I hate that we live four hours apart but I love that we're still so close. She understands me better than anyone I know and has put up with so much crap over the years. Plus, I'm taking her out for a run with me and I'm totally going to kick her butt! ;-)

Things have been crazy since classes started last week. I'm taking a Stats class which is completely kicking my butt. Whoever decided I should have to take Stats should be strung up by their toes. Ugh. This is the first Master's level class I've actually had to study for!

I need to start looking at studying for the comps. I'm not taking it here in Ohio until August but I'm taking the state boards in Colorado in June so eventually I'm going to have to start studying for it. Maybe over winter break. We'll see.

I had an interesting hour and a half phone call with Mike last night about politics and religion and our views on different subjects within those realms. I didn't get off the phone until almost 1 a.m. and I had to be up at 6:45 so even though I was sleep deprived today it was completely worth it to hear that someone else feels the way I do.

I should go pack but I'll wait until Jersey Shore is over in ten minutes. Hopefully I'm in bed by 11:30 so I can actually get some sleep before driving four hours after work tomorrow!