Reflections on my time in Haiti

I didn't want to write this entry right after I got home because I wanted some time to reflect and bounce back from all of the travel. I was struggling the first couple days I was home from fatigue and being emotionally drained both from my time in Haiti, and because we had gotten stranded in Chicago on the way home, on a night I really just wanted to be surrounded by familiarity. Now that I've been home for almost two weeks, it's time to put my thoughts into writing and share my experience. I was waiting to blog about it because I wanted to talk about it out loud to my best friend and my friend Erin since she's been to Haiti before but I've got so much swirling through my head that I just need to get it out.

God taught me so much about myself that I didn't realize I existed. Three days in, I should have been falling over from inadequate nutrition and instead, three days in, I was bouncing off the walls with energy and enjoying every moment of what was being thrown my way. I don't know if I've ever shared it, but I have some serious food issues. I have a HUGE problem with textures, which keeps me from eating a lot of things. Take for example fruits and veggies. I can only "eat" fruits and veggies if they're blended into a smoothie. I've been working to overcome this and last summer, one of my coworkers encouraged me to try both grapes and strawberries. Right after biting into them, I was getting sick in a garbage can. I don't understand this struggle with textures, because I used to eat absolutely everything and now there are many things I just won't eat. While I was in Haiti, I lived off of the peanut butter, ritz crackers, goldfish, and crystal light I had packed. I ate breakfast because it was normal things like bagels, pancakes, and cereal, but that was the only meal I ate during the day. The rest of the day I lived off of what I had packed.

Towards the end of the week, we went out to an orphanage three hours from the mission in St. Louis du Nord we had been staying at. While at La Baie, we were invited to some local huts to have lunch with the Haitians who lived there. We had been told that with their culture, you were to accept any food they put in front of you and you had to try at least one bite, because that meal was probably a good month's worth of wages. I worked myself into a tizzy and ended up being physically sick at the idea of having to eat food I didn't like. It also didn't help that I was feeling sick to begin with from all of the meds I was on either. Regardless, I ended up staying behind at the orphanage while my team went out into the village and had lunch with the locals. As I laid on my mattress waiting for them to come back, I broke and started crying. All I could picture was Seth being disappointed in me and I was kicking myself for having these issues. On Friday night when we came back, we were sitting around talking and I broke down with my team and shared this struggle with them. We actually had a really good discussion about it and it was so encouraging how they built me up and reminded me that God can bring me over anything in my life, even this. I was also encouraged by Brice, who likes to tease me about my eating habits on Sundays when we go out for lunch after church, because he apologized for any time he had ever hurt my feelings. He actually never has, but it was a very sweet thing for him to say and it was encouraging for me to know that my team understood and supported me, regardless of what I was struggling with.

During our time in Haiti, we spent a lot of time interacting with the locals, especially the kids. We couldn't walk out the gates of the mission without immediately being swarmed by kids who wanted to hold our hands, and walk with us, and just talk to us. Some of my teammates felt that they were bombarded by kids who only wanted money, but I never actually had that problem. Seeing all of these kids who didn't have anything and simply wanted to be loved on broke my heart. On the very first night that we walked into St. Louis du Nord, I was walking with our intern and asking him questions and my heart broke to the extent that I had silent tears streaming down my face. Everywhere around me was garbage in the street, kids running around without clothes, and families that didn't know where their next meal was coming from. It completely overwhelmed me and broke me and when we got back to the mission, I walked right to my room, sat down on my mattress, pulled out my journal, and proceeded to cry my eyes out as my heart broke over and over again for everything I had seen. As I did this, Shannon (one of my teammates) came in, hugged me, and then walked out. She knew I didn't have words to express what I was feeling and that I didn't want to talk about it. That hug was all I needed. It was enough for me to understand that someone else knew what I was feeling and understood that sometimes, you just don't have the words to express what you're feeling and you just want to know you're loved regardless of that fact.

The rest of the week after that, I prayed for open eyes, a broken heart, ears to hear, and hands that were ready to work and God answered those prayers. I was able to serve in a capacity that I never thought I would serve in as we headed out to the jail and the brothels and met with the men who were waiting to be moved to a bigger jail in a bigger city and the women who worked in the brothels. At the end of our week in Haiti, we had a grocery drive where our team combined with a team from Kentucky and we made tickets and gave them to the women at the brothel and invited them to campus for some individual prayer time and gave them a bag of groceries to take home with them. I didn't expect that day to be my favorite day in Haiti but it was. I had no plans to actually pray out loud because it's something I struggle with and at the encouragement of Shannon, I actually did pray over a couple of the ladies and it moved me to the brink of tears. I looked at Shannon afterward and I remember my exact words to her were, "What just happened here?? Those words did NOT come from me!" and then I started laughing at how faithful God had been to give me the words and courage I needed to love on these women who are simply trying to find a way to provide for their families.

While I was in Haiti, my mind was on my youth kids often and I missed them more than I thought I would. Seth has been pushing on us for awhile to step up and start spending some one on one time with the kids and to mentor them. I pushed right back for awhile, saying I was busy with school and didn't have time to commit, blah blah blah. Really what I was doing was making excuses because I have never seen myself as a leader or someone who was strong enough spiritually to be leading anyone, even the youth kids. It's one thing to be there on Sunday evenings and chaperone, it's a completely different thing to spend time with them one on one and disciple them and help them to build their faith. Well, God had different ideas and kept putting three very specific youth girls on my heart that I have been praying about for months. While I was in Haiti, the call to pray for them was even stronger and by the end of the week, I told Seth I was ready to step up and to start discipling these three youth girls. In the last two weeks, I have sought out two of the three girls and talked to them about making a commitment and to my surprise, they were ecstatic at the idea of meeting with me. I feel confident that I am ready for this and God has given me so much peace about pouring into these girls and starting to build them up spiritually. I can't wait to see where this school year takes us.

The biggest thing I think I learned in Haiti was the idea of grace and forgiveness. In fact, I'm actually teaching a lesson on it to my Sunday school class next week since our normal leaders are on vacation. I struggle with the idea of showing others grace, especially when they've hurt me. This is something God has been trying to break me of. I even spent one night during worship and prayer time crying because my heart hurt so much over the bitterness, the anger, and the hurt I was carrying inside of me. I ended up praying with a leader from Kentucky and couldn't even put into words what I was feeling but God knew and He gave her the exact words my heart needed. As she prayed over me, I could feel the burden being lifted from my shoulders and I knew I was being given a second chance to make things right. It's going to take a lot of baby steps, but I know exactly what I need to do and how I need to go about doing this. The peace I feel about this is incredible. Every day, God shows me new ways to show grace in my life and reminds me of the grace He's given me.

While I'm still praying over  many of the things I learned in Haiti, I feel peace and contentment, more so than I have in the last couple of years. I never expected my time in Haiti to impact my life so much but I feel eternally grateful for the lessons I was taught and for the experiences that I had. Once I had time to recover from the travel (let me tell you...the bus and tap tap rides alone were enough to break me and I swore up and down I would never go back to Haiti! haha) and started praying over what I had been taught, my heart continues to break for the things I saw and the things I experienced while in Haiti. I told everyone in our group I didn't think that going back would be something I wanted to do, but now that I've been home for two weeks and I've had time to recover and reflect, my heart longs to go back. We're not planning another trip back for a couple of years but I know there are other ways I can continue to support the work of the mission there and I'm looking forward to any doors that God opens in regards to Haiti.

All in all, while it was the hardest week of my life, I came home a completely different person. I feel stronger physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I am grateful for my time in Haiti, the connections and friendships I made there (I came home with an incredible connection to some wonderful ladies from Kentucky we roomed and worked with all week), and all of the lessons God taught me about myself. I look forward to the next chapter of my life and the doors that God is both opening and closing here at home. I have never felt so peaceful and for that, I am the most grateful.

Back in the States

After a six hour bus ride, three flights, an unexpected overnight stay in Chicago (technically we should have been home at midnight last night), and 36 hours of traveling on about five hours of sleep, we are finally safe and sound at home. I showered and then slept all day, but I'm still exhausted so as soon as the women's gymnastics is over, I'm headed to bed.

This trip to Haiti completely changed my perspective on life and I can't wait to write all about it. I journaled every day while we were there and plan to share some of what we experienced. For now though, I need sleep.

Haiti bound!

Leaving for Haiti in three hours! Holy cow...I don't think I ever thought this day would come. I am absolutely terrified, but ready to see all the good God is going to do on this trip. We'll be back in the States on the 30th (late...we get in at like midnight) and hopefully I'll update as soon as I can.
Please pray for safety, travels, and love as our team goes out to share the love of Jesus. I can't wait to see what God does on this trip!

A forever type of love

A couple of months ago, my dear friend Megan and I were using our facebook to message each other back and forth on what was going on in our lives. At the time, it had been awhile since I'd given her a proper update and I distinctly remember in the message she had sent me that she wanted to especially know how the Lord was moving in my life. Well, I didn't tell her. In fact, I glossed over the question like I hadn't seen it and talked about the shallow day to day things happening in my life. I was too afraid to admit to her (though I think it came out later, and if it didn't, it is now) that I hadn't opened my Bible in months, nor had I been having quiet times. I was too caught up in what I like to call "Heather world" to spend the necessary amount of time with the Lord that He deserved.

That brings us to the here and now. For the last six months, to be truthfully, painfully honest, my regular quiet times haven't existed. I go through the motions in church and genuinely look forward to Sunday mornings with my small group and worshiping with my church family, but outside of that, I haven't put forth any effort and lately, it's been showing. It wasn't until my small group leader took me out for dinner to celebrate my graduation that I was ready to admit both to her and to myself, that I was struggling. I had been so overwhelmed with school and work and interning and volunteering with the youth that I was drained in every aspect of my life. I knew I needed a fresh start and I just wasn't sure where to begin.

That all changed tonight. Anyone who knows me knows that I love Karen Kingsbury's books and I have been obsessed with the Bailey Flanigan series ever since she started writing it. I was anxiously awaiting getting the last book at the library and this week my hold finally came through. I read, from start to finish, in less than 24 hours. I couldn't put it down. I love to read, especially Christian fiction, because I can always relate to something in the book. This is one series where I knew what Bailey was feeling, as she anxiously was trying to follow the Lord's plan for her life, including her love story. Reading this final book in the series, I think at first I was genuinely shocked by who she ended up with, but then, as I truly took in the words Karen poured out into these pages and these characters, I realized that Bailey ended up exactly where God wanted her...in His perfect timing and His perfect plan.

I put the book down tonight and sat on the couch in stunned disbelief as the Lord just spoke to me. He had been speaking to me the whole way home, about how I deserve a forever kind of love, a love where a man will pursue me and not the other way. A man who will lift me and encourage me and lead me, just as Christ intended. I don't deserve to settle and I think in some ways, after some conversations with a friend a couple of weeks ago, I was about to let myself settle for second best, for something that I knew deep down I didn't truly feel, something God had told me back in college wasn't His plan for my life.

Then, just as I was specifically praying about this particular scenario and praying about God's perfect timing and His plan for my life, my phone rang. I just got off the phone from an amazing two hour phone call that just gave me so much more to think and pray about. I love having friends in my life that encourage me and push me to seek out what I think and believe and that push me to grow in my faith. I love friends that bring so much laughter and joy to my life. I have loved every minute of God writing this story and this friendship and as I pray about it, I can't wait to see where He takes it next.

So what is all this babbling about? It's about my love for the Lord and His love for me. It's about the fact that I deserve a forever kind of love, not a love that I'm settling for. It's about trusting that God's holy and perfect plan is just that...perfect. I'm tired of this whole two steps forward, five steps back game I've been playing with my faith. I want it to be real and genuine. I want to seek the Lord so whole-heartedly that any man who even begins to think about pursuing me has to at first pursue Him in order to find my heart.

Tonight I learned the beginning of the meaning of trust. I'm going to learn even more what that term means in four weeks when I head to Haiti and truly let the Lord speak through me and guide my actions for the 10 days I'll be overseas. I'm going to learn it even more as I continue to trust in His plan for next year and my career and my future. He has been so faithful to me in the almost 10 years since I gave my life to Him (so crazy that it's been almost 10 years!) so why can't I be faithful to Him and trust Him? He has never led me astray and He never will. I want to live my faith out loud. I want to be genuine. I want to love Him with my whole heart and serve Him all the days of my life. There is NO greater joy in my life than that of my faith and the love my Lord has for me. What a sweet, sweet reminder this week.

Here's to a fresh start and truly letting the Lord take my life and make it His. I can't wait to see what my beautiful future holds.

Oh hi...I'm alive

Oh hey there blog I've seemed to have forgotten about. Spring quarter kind of got away from me with all of the craziness of projects, papers, portfolios, the praxis, and then graduation. That's right...this girl has her Master's! Now...I just need a job. All in due time.

I do plan to come back with a real, much longer, update. I leave for NYC on Thursday so I'll probably just update when I get back. :-)

Just wanted to let everyone know I was alive still!

I miss...

Before I begin this entry and write about how much I miss running, can I just complain for a minute that Blogger changed things up and I couldn't use it without installing google chrome on my computer? Yeah, that's exactly what I had to do. Okay...end rant. 

So...I miss running. A lot. I never, ever thought the day would come where I would say that I missed it but I do. Megan's fiance is running the full marathon at the Pig next Sunday and several of my other friends are training for various other Pig events and it just makes me wish I were training too. I know it's okay that I'm not because there's NO way I could have added training for a half marathon into this already busy year, but man, I haven't even had time to workout! It definitely shows that I haven't worked out either because I've gone back up in pants sizes, which frustrates me like crazy.

I did have a doctor's appointment last week to discuss Haiti and the doctor (or rather nurse practitioner-NP) I saw specializes in women's health. She actually took the time to read through my file and when she realized that I'm not on my meds for my PCOS and that I haven't had a cycle in awhile, she instantly ordered some labs for me to have done and we're going to get me started back on my medication. I left the doctor's office stunned that she had taken the time to actually read my medical history (no other doctor in the three years I've been at the UC practice has done that) and wanted to get me back on track. As much as I hate the idea of being on meds, I know that this is what I need. I know it will make me feel better and my body will benefit from it. 

I decided today that starting tomorrow, I am officially in training for the 2013 half marathon at the Flying Pig. This time, I'm going to do it right. No skipping long runs, taking care of my body, cutting out the toxins from my body (aka cutting out the caffeine and sugar once graduation hits!), and making sure I get the proper amount of rest before trying those long runs. I want to actually be able to run this one, and not just walk it. I'm going to start slow for now because I do need to get through the next six weeks until graduation but then after that, it's game on! 

I'm so completely serious about this that I've been sitting here playing on pinterest and finding pictures and quotes to design a motivation collage to hang in my bathroom. I also found a couch to 5k program to get me back on track and that is also going in my bathroom. Why the bathroom? Because I hang all of this motivational stuff on my mirror and the back of the door, the one place I know I will see it on numerous occasions. It will be the first thing I see in the mornings, and the last thing I see at night. I did this last time I trained too. I took dry erase markers and wrote all of my race results on my mirror so I could see them and then kept track of the pounds I was losing on the dry erase board I keep on my bathroom door. I'm also working on a new running mix because let's be honest: mine is done for after last year. I need new stuff to pump me up so feel free to throw suggestions my way. 

Alright, that's all I've got for now. Life is pretty much the same old, same old. Five weeks from Friday is graduation and six weeks from Thursday is New York City! 

Lunchtime vulnerability

I just left work (I was off today) after dropping off food I had made for the baby shower we were having for my boss. She's expecting her third baby boy and she's been on bed rest as a precaution so we were throwing her a shower before she gets much further into her pregnancy and is put on bed rest for good til the baby gets here. For the first time in three and a half years of working at the preschool, I finally feel like a member of the staff. I don't know why I didn't before. I guess right now the dynamics of our staff are good and we all genuinely enjoy each other. I don't know.

Now I'm sitting at McDonald's because my car is next door at Tire Discounters getting the tires rotated. I just had the power steering pump replaced last night and since I get free tire rotation since I bought my tires at TD, I figured it may be a good time to get them rotated, especially because they've been kind of shaky on the highway for the last two weeks.

Time for a vulnerable moment. Maybe it's just me, but I feel like facebook lately has become a reflection of everything I want, but can't have at the moment. I spent time with one of my close girlfriends last weekend and I told her I sometimes feel like I'm sitting by and waiting for my life to start. This conversation was had while standing in the home department at Macy's as we talked about what it would be like to be registering for a wedding and planning our futures. I told her I feel like I'm sitting by and waiting for some guy to come by and complete my life. Why?? Why do I do that to myself?

Lately, I feel like my facebook is full of weddings, babies, and the future. Two of my best friends are married (one with a child), a third is planning her wedding, and the other is living on her own, in a good job, while going to school full time. Where am I? I'm 27, I still live at home with mommy and daddy, and even though an opportunity has popped up for me to move out, I can't afford it. I work three days a week and I'm barely making the bills as it is. I can't afford to move out right now. So why do I still feel so empty inside?

I know I write this entry every six months or so, but man, when this feeling hits, it hits hard. Thinking back on high school, at 16, 17, or even 18 years old, I always had myself married off by 25, with a kid on the way, and working in my dream job. Clearly God has other plans because none of that is happening in my life right now. I know He has great plans and I know He has me right where He wants me, so why can't I let go of this awful empty feeling?

Don't get me wrong. I know I have exciting things going on in my life, things I'm looking forward to, but for some reason, I just can't shake this ridiculous feeling. I keep thinking back to the fall and what things would be like if Dan and I had made it. I keep wondering "what if" about my career path and what would have happened if I had gone through with the second round of interviews after college at the domestic violence shelter and not stayed in my safe zone at Lighthouse. Where would I be if even one little decision had been made differently?

My dear friend Erin told me I can't think like that, that I am where I am for a reason. I can't live my life with regrets, always wondering "what if," and asking God when the next best thing is going to happen. God's plan always turns out to be far greater than my own, so why do I feel like this? Why do I feel like everyone else's lives are moving and mine is stuck?

My words for 2012 are strength and growth. I need to get back to the basics of what those mean for me and start focusing on them. I know that by putting God first, everything else will fall into place and these feelings will fade. But man, all I want to do right now is sulk. Is that so wrong?