A life lived in fear...

....is no life lived at all.

In the wake of the terrible tragedy in Newtown, CT yesterday, my heart hurts. I can't even begin to imagine the pain these families are feeling, especially so close to Christmas. When the news broke during my lunch break yesterday, I sat in the lobby of the preschool I work in with a couple of my coworkers, just stunned into silence. Going about the rest of my day was next to impossible, especially because we weren't allowed to discuss it so we wouldn't upset our kids. I couldn't even have the radio on in my classroom because they kept breaking in with news updates. It wasn't until late last night when I was watching the news that I finally let the tears fall and I cried for the victims and for how we, as a society, have failed the person responsible for such an attack.

How often do we shun those we consider "outsiders?" How often do we make fun of those who are different from us? How hard is it to walk across a room and say hello to someone else, someone who may be different from us? As an educator, my heart hurts for the fact that this was a former student who may have slipped through the cracks. Our nation shuns those who seek professional mental health care and we make it next to impossible to gain access to such care. How different our nation could be if only we made it easier for those to gain access to the help they need. How different our nation could be if we only loved each other the way God calls us to love.

In the light of all that's happened, I made my final decision about Teach for America. I am definitely applying and have decided that I am going to all in: I'm putting myself out there for re-location instead of playing it safe and asking to be placed here. There are SO many school districts around the country where students are slipping through the cracks and being forgotten about. I have ALWAYS wanted to be that educator who reminds students that they have a future, that they have potential, and that they have at least one person who cares for them.

As my entry title says, a life lived in fear is no life lived at all. I am young and there is NO reason for me to fear taking this next step. I knew that my current job at the preschool was temporary until I could finish school. Teach for America is an incredible opportunity and there is NO reason for me to fear taking the next step to further my career as I moved towards being a school counselor. I do not want to live my life in fear and with regrets.

Here's to taking the next step and stepping out on faith. I'll be praying like crazy for the next couple of months as I submit my application and wait to hear if I move on to the next round of phone interviews. Don't wait to go after something you want. We aren't promised tomorrow and there's no reason for us to live in fear and with regrets. Here's to living for today. :)

Where have I been?

I'm way overdue for an update. After I got home from Haiti, life returned to normal...or normal as I knew it. I went back to work, went back to church, and went back to spending my free time with my family and friends. Mentally and emotionally, my heart was still in Haiti. I never expected that my 10 days overseas would make such an impact on me but it did. There isn't a single day that goes by that my mind doesn't wander to Haiti, the people I met there, and the work we did. I can't wait to go back.

Every year, my church does Operation Christmas Child but I've never participated. This year, I found myself wandering Target for an hour hemming and hawing over what I wanted to put in my box. I ended up spending $60 putting this box together for a special little girl and I can't wait to find out where it's been shipped to. I paid for my box online so I could track it and I'm praying it ends up in Haiti, though I know it will bless some special little girl regardless of where it ends up.

So what has my life been like? This summer was the most incredible summer of my life. It started with graduating with my Master's degree (though I'm still currently employed at the same preschool I've been at for years, with a new potential opening up...more on that in a bit) and then heading to New York City for a whirlwind of a weekend with some of the greatest friends I could ask for. Even though I got sick while we were there, I loved every moment of it. Adrienne and I are tentatively planning to go back next year around Thanksgiving or Christmas for a girl's weekend if we can convince my parents to let us use our timeshare points to stay in the city, otherwise we won't be able to swing it alone.

After NYC was obviously my time spent in Haiti. I really wish I were going back this summer, though I know it just isn't feasible or logical. I do intend to go back at some point but this summer just isn't the right timing. For now, I know God is calling me to pray for the work being done in Haiti and I'm currently looking at other ways of giving to the organization we went with.

Now that my life is back to "normal," my time is spent working, tutoring, and mentoring a couple of my youth girls. Every night is filled with some kind of a commitment, but the best one of all has been finding time to workout again. Denise and I are back to our regular Monday and Wednesday night running sessions at the gym and the last few weeks have been so good for my sanity. I sleep SO much better after a good workout and by the time we wrap up, I'm so worn out that I go home, shower, and pass out as soon as my head hits the pillow.

Work wise, I'm still at the preschool I've been at since I graduated from college. I applied for over 50 school counseling positions for this year and didn't get called for a single interview. It's discouraging to have a degree in such a tight field, especially when education is so difficult to get into in Ohio. They say there's going to be a big retirement boom in the next couple of years but we'll see how that one ends up. I've been applying for social work jobs, hoping to fall back on my undergraduate degree but even those aren't panning out.

I had several people recently suggest to me that I apply to Teach For America, so I spent today purusing their website trying to get information. One of the ladies from my church has a niece who works for TFA in South Carolina so she's passing on my contact information to her just so I can get some questions answered and fears eased before I apply. The more time I spend on their website, the more encouraged I feel about applying to the program. I mean, the worst that can happen is that I'm denied and I move on to other jobs right? They have over 46 regions, including one right here in southwest Ohio. My top choices right now are obviously here in my own backyard, Denver, and New York City.

I haven't fully decided I'm applying yet and have until mid-January to apply, with a later deadline in February. It would be an incredible opportunity, but one I would have to make a two year commitment to. That alone is the scary part. What if I got denied here in Cincinnati but accepted to another region? Would I be ready to relocate for two years without anyone? It's a scary thought but TFA is such an incredible program that I feel like I would be stupid to pass up at least applying.

My friend Michelle said it best on her facebook status last week "I'd rather make a mistake than fail to take a risk." If there's anything my time in Haiti taught me, it's to take a risk and step out on faith. Since coming home from Haiti, it's all I've thought about. I took a risk and stepped out on faith, full of fear, and knew that God was with me each step of the way. This is no different. If I don't take a risk and at least apply, I'll always ask myself what if. This isn't the first time my mind has wandered to TFA. It's crossed my mind here and there but I've never taken the time to sit down and research it unil today. It would be a huge risk, but there is no better time to do it than now. I'm not married, I'm not in a relationship, I don't have kids...there's nothing holding me back. I'll never know unless I try right?

Reflections on my time in Haiti

I didn't want to write this entry right after I got home because I wanted some time to reflect and bounce back from all of the travel. I was struggling the first couple days I was home from fatigue and being emotionally drained both from my time in Haiti, and because we had gotten stranded in Chicago on the way home, on a night I really just wanted to be surrounded by familiarity. Now that I've been home for almost two weeks, it's time to put my thoughts into writing and share my experience. I was waiting to blog about it because I wanted to talk about it out loud to my best friend and my friend Erin since she's been to Haiti before but I've got so much swirling through my head that I just need to get it out.

God taught me so much about myself that I didn't realize I existed. Three days in, I should have been falling over from inadequate nutrition and instead, three days in, I was bouncing off the walls with energy and enjoying every moment of what was being thrown my way. I don't know if I've ever shared it, but I have some serious food issues. I have a HUGE problem with textures, which keeps me from eating a lot of things. Take for example fruits and veggies. I can only "eat" fruits and veggies if they're blended into a smoothie. I've been working to overcome this and last summer, one of my coworkers encouraged me to try both grapes and strawberries. Right after biting into them, I was getting sick in a garbage can. I don't understand this struggle with textures, because I used to eat absolutely everything and now there are many things I just won't eat. While I was in Haiti, I lived off of the peanut butter, ritz crackers, goldfish, and crystal light I had packed. I ate breakfast because it was normal things like bagels, pancakes, and cereal, but that was the only meal I ate during the day. The rest of the day I lived off of what I had packed.

Towards the end of the week, we went out to an orphanage three hours from the mission in St. Louis du Nord we had been staying at. While at La Baie, we were invited to some local huts to have lunch with the Haitians who lived there. We had been told that with their culture, you were to accept any food they put in front of you and you had to try at least one bite, because that meal was probably a good month's worth of wages. I worked myself into a tizzy and ended up being physically sick at the idea of having to eat food I didn't like. It also didn't help that I was feeling sick to begin with from all of the meds I was on either. Regardless, I ended up staying behind at the orphanage while my team went out into the village and had lunch with the locals. As I laid on my mattress waiting for them to come back, I broke and started crying. All I could picture was Seth being disappointed in me and I was kicking myself for having these issues. On Friday night when we came back, we were sitting around talking and I broke down with my team and shared this struggle with them. We actually had a really good discussion about it and it was so encouraging how they built me up and reminded me that God can bring me over anything in my life, even this. I was also encouraged by Brice, who likes to tease me about my eating habits on Sundays when we go out for lunch after church, because he apologized for any time he had ever hurt my feelings. He actually never has, but it was a very sweet thing for him to say and it was encouraging for me to know that my team understood and supported me, regardless of what I was struggling with.

During our time in Haiti, we spent a lot of time interacting with the locals, especially the kids. We couldn't walk out the gates of the mission without immediately being swarmed by kids who wanted to hold our hands, and walk with us, and just talk to us. Some of my teammates felt that they were bombarded by kids who only wanted money, but I never actually had that problem. Seeing all of these kids who didn't have anything and simply wanted to be loved on broke my heart. On the very first night that we walked into St. Louis du Nord, I was walking with our intern and asking him questions and my heart broke to the extent that I had silent tears streaming down my face. Everywhere around me was garbage in the street, kids running around without clothes, and families that didn't know where their next meal was coming from. It completely overwhelmed me and broke me and when we got back to the mission, I walked right to my room, sat down on my mattress, pulled out my journal, and proceeded to cry my eyes out as my heart broke over and over again for everything I had seen. As I did this, Shannon (one of my teammates) came in, hugged me, and then walked out. She knew I didn't have words to express what I was feeling and that I didn't want to talk about it. That hug was all I needed. It was enough for me to understand that someone else knew what I was feeling and understood that sometimes, you just don't have the words to express what you're feeling and you just want to know you're loved regardless of that fact.

The rest of the week after that, I prayed for open eyes, a broken heart, ears to hear, and hands that were ready to work and God answered those prayers. I was able to serve in a capacity that I never thought I would serve in as we headed out to the jail and the brothels and met with the men who were waiting to be moved to a bigger jail in a bigger city and the women who worked in the brothels. At the end of our week in Haiti, we had a grocery drive where our team combined with a team from Kentucky and we made tickets and gave them to the women at the brothel and invited them to campus for some individual prayer time and gave them a bag of groceries to take home with them. I didn't expect that day to be my favorite day in Haiti but it was. I had no plans to actually pray out loud because it's something I struggle with and at the encouragement of Shannon, I actually did pray over a couple of the ladies and it moved me to the brink of tears. I looked at Shannon afterward and I remember my exact words to her were, "What just happened here?? Those words did NOT come from me!" and then I started laughing at how faithful God had been to give me the words and courage I needed to love on these women who are simply trying to find a way to provide for their families.

While I was in Haiti, my mind was on my youth kids often and I missed them more than I thought I would. Seth has been pushing on us for awhile to step up and start spending some one on one time with the kids and to mentor them. I pushed right back for awhile, saying I was busy with school and didn't have time to commit, blah blah blah. Really what I was doing was making excuses because I have never seen myself as a leader or someone who was strong enough spiritually to be leading anyone, even the youth kids. It's one thing to be there on Sunday evenings and chaperone, it's a completely different thing to spend time with them one on one and disciple them and help them to build their faith. Well, God had different ideas and kept putting three very specific youth girls on my heart that I have been praying about for months. While I was in Haiti, the call to pray for them was even stronger and by the end of the week, I told Seth I was ready to step up and to start discipling these three youth girls. In the last two weeks, I have sought out two of the three girls and talked to them about making a commitment and to my surprise, they were ecstatic at the idea of meeting with me. I feel confident that I am ready for this and God has given me so much peace about pouring into these girls and starting to build them up spiritually. I can't wait to see where this school year takes us.

The biggest thing I think I learned in Haiti was the idea of grace and forgiveness. In fact, I'm actually teaching a lesson on it to my Sunday school class next week since our normal leaders are on vacation. I struggle with the idea of showing others grace, especially when they've hurt me. This is something God has been trying to break me of. I even spent one night during worship and prayer time crying because my heart hurt so much over the bitterness, the anger, and the hurt I was carrying inside of me. I ended up praying with a leader from Kentucky and couldn't even put into words what I was feeling but God knew and He gave her the exact words my heart needed. As she prayed over me, I could feel the burden being lifted from my shoulders and I knew I was being given a second chance to make things right. It's going to take a lot of baby steps, but I know exactly what I need to do and how I need to go about doing this. The peace I feel about this is incredible. Every day, God shows me new ways to show grace in my life and reminds me of the grace He's given me.

While I'm still praying over  many of the things I learned in Haiti, I feel peace and contentment, more so than I have in the last couple of years. I never expected my time in Haiti to impact my life so much but I feel eternally grateful for the lessons I was taught and for the experiences that I had. Once I had time to recover from the travel (let me tell you...the bus and tap tap rides alone were enough to break me and I swore up and down I would never go back to Haiti! haha) and started praying over what I had been taught, my heart continues to break for the things I saw and the things I experienced while in Haiti. I told everyone in our group I didn't think that going back would be something I wanted to do, but now that I've been home for two weeks and I've had time to recover and reflect, my heart longs to go back. We're not planning another trip back for a couple of years but I know there are other ways I can continue to support the work of the mission there and I'm looking forward to any doors that God opens in regards to Haiti.

All in all, while it was the hardest week of my life, I came home a completely different person. I feel stronger physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I am grateful for my time in Haiti, the connections and friendships I made there (I came home with an incredible connection to some wonderful ladies from Kentucky we roomed and worked with all week), and all of the lessons God taught me about myself. I look forward to the next chapter of my life and the doors that God is both opening and closing here at home. I have never felt so peaceful and for that, I am the most grateful.

Back in the States

After a six hour bus ride, three flights, an unexpected overnight stay in Chicago (technically we should have been home at midnight last night), and 36 hours of traveling on about five hours of sleep, we are finally safe and sound at home. I showered and then slept all day, but I'm still exhausted so as soon as the women's gymnastics is over, I'm headed to bed.

This trip to Haiti completely changed my perspective on life and I can't wait to write all about it. I journaled every day while we were there and plan to share some of what we experienced. For now though, I need sleep.

Haiti bound!

Leaving for Haiti in three hours! Holy cow...I don't think I ever thought this day would come. I am absolutely terrified, but ready to see all the good God is going to do on this trip. We'll be back in the States on the 30th (late...we get in at like midnight) and hopefully I'll update as soon as I can.
Please pray for safety, travels, and love as our team goes out to share the love of Jesus. I can't wait to see what God does on this trip!

A forever type of love

A couple of months ago, my dear friend Megan and I were using our facebook to message each other back and forth on what was going on in our lives. At the time, it had been awhile since I'd given her a proper update and I distinctly remember in the message she had sent me that she wanted to especially know how the Lord was moving in my life. Well, I didn't tell her. In fact, I glossed over the question like I hadn't seen it and talked about the shallow day to day things happening in my life. I was too afraid to admit to her (though I think it came out later, and if it didn't, it is now) that I hadn't opened my Bible in months, nor had I been having quiet times. I was too caught up in what I like to call "Heather world" to spend the necessary amount of time with the Lord that He deserved.

That brings us to the here and now. For the last six months, to be truthfully, painfully honest, my regular quiet times haven't existed. I go through the motions in church and genuinely look forward to Sunday mornings with my small group and worshiping with my church family, but outside of that, I haven't put forth any effort and lately, it's been showing. It wasn't until my small group leader took me out for dinner to celebrate my graduation that I was ready to admit both to her and to myself, that I was struggling. I had been so overwhelmed with school and work and interning and volunteering with the youth that I was drained in every aspect of my life. I knew I needed a fresh start and I just wasn't sure where to begin.

That all changed tonight. Anyone who knows me knows that I love Karen Kingsbury's books and I have been obsessed with the Bailey Flanigan series ever since she started writing it. I was anxiously awaiting getting the last book at the library and this week my hold finally came through. I read, from start to finish, in less than 24 hours. I couldn't put it down. I love to read, especially Christian fiction, because I can always relate to something in the book. This is one series where I knew what Bailey was feeling, as she anxiously was trying to follow the Lord's plan for her life, including her love story. Reading this final book in the series, I think at first I was genuinely shocked by who she ended up with, but then, as I truly took in the words Karen poured out into these pages and these characters, I realized that Bailey ended up exactly where God wanted her...in His perfect timing and His perfect plan.

I put the book down tonight and sat on the couch in stunned disbelief as the Lord just spoke to me. He had been speaking to me the whole way home, about how I deserve a forever kind of love, a love where a man will pursue me and not the other way. A man who will lift me and encourage me and lead me, just as Christ intended. I don't deserve to settle and I think in some ways, after some conversations with a friend a couple of weeks ago, I was about to let myself settle for second best, for something that I knew deep down I didn't truly feel, something God had told me back in college wasn't His plan for my life.

Then, just as I was specifically praying about this particular scenario and praying about God's perfect timing and His plan for my life, my phone rang. I just got off the phone from an amazing two hour phone call that just gave me so much more to think and pray about. I love having friends in my life that encourage me and push me to seek out what I think and believe and that push me to grow in my faith. I love friends that bring so much laughter and joy to my life. I have loved every minute of God writing this story and this friendship and as I pray about it, I can't wait to see where He takes it next.

So what is all this babbling about? It's about my love for the Lord and His love for me. It's about the fact that I deserve a forever kind of love, not a love that I'm settling for. It's about trusting that God's holy and perfect plan is just that...perfect. I'm tired of this whole two steps forward, five steps back game I've been playing with my faith. I want it to be real and genuine. I want to seek the Lord so whole-heartedly that any man who even begins to think about pursuing me has to at first pursue Him in order to find my heart.

Tonight I learned the beginning of the meaning of trust. I'm going to learn even more what that term means in four weeks when I head to Haiti and truly let the Lord speak through me and guide my actions for the 10 days I'll be overseas. I'm going to learn it even more as I continue to trust in His plan for next year and my career and my future. He has been so faithful to me in the almost 10 years since I gave my life to Him (so crazy that it's been almost 10 years!) so why can't I be faithful to Him and trust Him? He has never led me astray and He never will. I want to live my faith out loud. I want to be genuine. I want to love Him with my whole heart and serve Him all the days of my life. There is NO greater joy in my life than that of my faith and the love my Lord has for me. What a sweet, sweet reminder this week.

Here's to a fresh start and truly letting the Lord take my life and make it His. I can't wait to see what my beautiful future holds.

Oh hi...I'm alive

Oh hey there blog I've seemed to have forgotten about. Spring quarter kind of got away from me with all of the craziness of projects, papers, portfolios, the praxis, and then graduation. That's right...this girl has her Master's! Now...I just need a job. All in due time.

I do plan to come back with a real, much longer, update. I leave for NYC on Thursday so I'll probably just update when I get back. :-)

Just wanted to let everyone know I was alive still!