I got a letter from my biological dad tonight. I'm trying to decide if I should even bother responding to it. I went from being shocked to upset and crying to angry. I took my anger out at the gym and now I'm sore. I guess the good point is that I got a killer workout in tonight.
I still can't believe he wrote to me. After three or four years of silence, I got a letter today out of the blue. I don't even know what to think about it.
I'm talking to Tym and Amy tomorrow before Cru to figure out what to do. Part of me wants to respond to the letter and another part just wants to throw it away and forget he wrote to me. Except now I know I won't be able to.
Damn him. Damn his timing. Why now? Why couldn't he just stay away?
Ugh. I don't even know what to think. I'm going to bed. Maybe a good night's sleep will help me think more clearly.
P.S.-I think I inadvertently got asked out on a date yesterday. I'm still trying to figure that one out too.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Hmmm
Trying to figure out how to say half the stuff I want to say without it coming across the wrong way to people. It's become really hard to open up lately. I find myself stuck in conversations on the phone and in person that have awkward silences because I feel myself holding back.
Why is everyone moving forward except me? Something for me to ponder, not that I really want to because it just hurts even more.
I should start journaling again. At least in my journal I can be real and not have to pretend to be happy all the time. Maybe that will give me some peace.
I had way too much time to think during baby-sitting tonight. Never a good thing. I think that's why I stay busy all the time-so I don't have to think about all of this stuff that has built up because no one understands anymore.
Easter is tomorrow. So psyched for the Easter services at church and having dinner with my family. I'm also grateful for my gift of salvation and Christ's death on the cross for my sins. What a wonderful Savior I follow.
I should get to bed. 8:30 is going to come too early for me.
Oh I also have a twitter now. I still don't get the point but it's out there if you feel the need to follow me. :-P
Why is everyone moving forward except me? Something for me to ponder, not that I really want to because it just hurts even more.
I should start journaling again. At least in my journal I can be real and not have to pretend to be happy all the time. Maybe that will give me some peace.
I had way too much time to think during baby-sitting tonight. Never a good thing. I think that's why I stay busy all the time-so I don't have to think about all of this stuff that has built up because no one understands anymore.
Easter is tomorrow. So psyched for the Easter services at church and having dinner with my family. I'm also grateful for my gift of salvation and Christ's death on the cross for my sins. What a wonderful Savior I follow.
I should get to bed. 8:30 is going to come too early for me.
Oh I also have a twitter now. I still don't get the point but it's out there if you feel the need to follow me. :-P
Monday, April 6, 2009
She thinks you're super delicious
Has anyone seen that cell phone commercial? It makes me crack up everytime I see it just because it's become an inside joke with some friends.
It's officially baseball season! Today was Opening Day in Cincinnati, which might as well just be a holiday here. All day people have been wishing each other a happy opening day. Since I had to work (welcome to the real world haha), this is the first game I've not been able to watch since high school. Luckily, my co-teacher was able to pick up one of the local a.m. radio stations on our class radio so we listened to the game all afternoon. Sadly, we lost 2-1.
The Yankees, my other favorite team, also lost today which makes me sad. However, it doesn't make me any less excited for baseball season! I told my stepdad today that baseball season is the one time of year you won't ever hear me complain about the tv being on a sports channel all the time! We love our Cincinnati Reds!
I think since my sister is at work and the kids are with my brother in law and my parents have already gone to bed that I very well may take advantage of the quiet and go climb into bed as well. The weather has been cold and dreary all day so it's made me exhausted. We even had snow flurries today! One more day of this and then the warm weather comes back. Winter, I did not miss you!
Bed early is definitely sounding appealing tonight. G'night all!
It's officially baseball season! Today was Opening Day in Cincinnati, which might as well just be a holiday here. All day people have been wishing each other a happy opening day. Since I had to work (welcome to the real world haha), this is the first game I've not been able to watch since high school. Luckily, my co-teacher was able to pick up one of the local a.m. radio stations on our class radio so we listened to the game all afternoon. Sadly, we lost 2-1.
The Yankees, my other favorite team, also lost today which makes me sad. However, it doesn't make me any less excited for baseball season! I told my stepdad today that baseball season is the one time of year you won't ever hear me complain about the tv being on a sports channel all the time! We love our Cincinnati Reds!
I think since my sister is at work and the kids are with my brother in law and my parents have already gone to bed that I very well may take advantage of the quiet and go climb into bed as well. The weather has been cold and dreary all day so it's made me exhausted. We even had snow flurries today! One more day of this and then the warm weather comes back. Winter, I did not miss you!
Bed early is definitely sounding appealing tonight. G'night all!
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Finding myself in the Lord
This entry may be all over the place as I try to explain some of what I've been feeling lately.
I gave my life to the Lord back in November of 2002 and immediately launched myself into events at church. I was active in the youth group and then I started volunteering with the children's ministry. Over the last seven years, I've done everything from leading crews at Vacation Bible Adventure to subbing as one of the preschool Sunday school teachers. Occasionally, I've helped out with other events at the church and last night was no different.
Last night, my church showed the movie Fireproof. I offered to help serve desserts and do whatever else needed to be done before the movie began. After we had gotten the dessert table set up and the coffee bar organized, I got pulled to the nursery for about 15 minutes until the people who had signed up to work in there arrived.
When I finally got in to watch the movie, I could feel God tugging at my heart and urging me to listen to what it was He wanted to tell me. I began praying and asking God to reveal Himself to me and what it was He wanted me to know and the more I prayed, the more I realized how much I have a heart for outreach ministry. Our church doesn't have a set outreach team, which I think is a shame. We had so many people show up last night who weren't from our church and it was such an encouragment to me to watch as members of our congregation reached out to them and made them feel welcome.
I was at church until almost 11 last night helping with the movie and then cleaning up afterward. This morning, I got up to go for coffee (ok I had a smoothie!) with my mentor and we were talking about how last night's event was such a success. I told her how I wish our church could do more outreach events and how I would love to be able to volunteer and do outreach ministry within our church.
I also shared with her something that I've had trouble accepting myself. Megan is the reason that I started going to Bethany and for that I am grateful. But for seven years, I've followed in her shadow and her ministry. When she moved to Baltimore one summer to do her youth ministry internship, I stepped in and was "Megan" for a summer and took her job in the nursery so it would still be there when she got back. When people at church used to see me, they used to ask where she was because we were attached at the hip.
It was for this reason that I have always had a tough time stepping out and finding a place in the church that "fits" and is my ministry, a place I can pour my heart and soul into. Last night was hard for me. It was hard to step up and be like, "Yes, I want to help!" In reality, all day I had been trying to think of excuses why I couldn't go and couldn't be there but I also felt God calling me to be there and to help with this outreach event and I'm so glad I did.
It's hard when you feel that you're only following in someone's footsteps but I realize that slowly God is revealing His desires for my heart and life to me and I'm loving it. I truly have a heart for outreach and I know that I'm going to be watching our church bulletins closely for opportunities to get involved. I think my heart for outreach stems from working with the inner city youth at my last job because it's also the reason I want to do school counseling. I want to give youth that "last chance" that otherwise they may not get elsewhere. I believe that our church has the ability to do great things and I believe that God is going to work through us so long as we continue to have a passion to serve Him and love the members of our community.
I also have a heart for both our children and our youth. Tomorrow I'm filling in in the preschool Sunday school class and I told Mrs. G. today that if I enjoyed it, I would be more than happy to fill in for the summer since I know they need someone in there on a regular basis. I also told our youth leader that Iwould love to help support his ministry and volunteer if needed.
I feel like the pieces of my life are slowly coming together. I still haven't heard from UC but like I told Mrs. G. today-God knows where I'm going to be this fall. He knows the plans for my life even before I do. If for some reason I don't get into grad school for this fall, it doesn't mean I'm not meant to go back to school. It just means the time isn't right. God might use that extra time to do great things through me. I don't know what His plans are but I trust that He has me right where He wants me. I don't need to follow in someone else's footsteps and their shadow because that's not what God wants. He wants to work through me and He has great plans for me. I just need to learn to listen to His voice and not the voice that tells me I can't do something. Through Christ I can do all things. To know I'm living God's plan for my life is an amazing feeling and I can't wait to see where He takes me next.
I gave my life to the Lord back in November of 2002 and immediately launched myself into events at church. I was active in the youth group and then I started volunteering with the children's ministry. Over the last seven years, I've done everything from leading crews at Vacation Bible Adventure to subbing as one of the preschool Sunday school teachers. Occasionally, I've helped out with other events at the church and last night was no different.
Last night, my church showed the movie Fireproof. I offered to help serve desserts and do whatever else needed to be done before the movie began. After we had gotten the dessert table set up and the coffee bar organized, I got pulled to the nursery for about 15 minutes until the people who had signed up to work in there arrived.
When I finally got in to watch the movie, I could feel God tugging at my heart and urging me to listen to what it was He wanted to tell me. I began praying and asking God to reveal Himself to me and what it was He wanted me to know and the more I prayed, the more I realized how much I have a heart for outreach ministry. Our church doesn't have a set outreach team, which I think is a shame. We had so many people show up last night who weren't from our church and it was such an encouragment to me to watch as members of our congregation reached out to them and made them feel welcome.
I was at church until almost 11 last night helping with the movie and then cleaning up afterward. This morning, I got up to go for coffee (ok I had a smoothie!) with my mentor and we were talking about how last night's event was such a success. I told her how I wish our church could do more outreach events and how I would love to be able to volunteer and do outreach ministry within our church.
I also shared with her something that I've had trouble accepting myself. Megan is the reason that I started going to Bethany and for that I am grateful. But for seven years, I've followed in her shadow and her ministry. When she moved to Baltimore one summer to do her youth ministry internship, I stepped in and was "Megan" for a summer and took her job in the nursery so it would still be there when she got back. When people at church used to see me, they used to ask where she was because we were attached at the hip.
It was for this reason that I have always had a tough time stepping out and finding a place in the church that "fits" and is my ministry, a place I can pour my heart and soul into. Last night was hard for me. It was hard to step up and be like, "Yes, I want to help!" In reality, all day I had been trying to think of excuses why I couldn't go and couldn't be there but I also felt God calling me to be there and to help with this outreach event and I'm so glad I did.
It's hard when you feel that you're only following in someone's footsteps but I realize that slowly God is revealing His desires for my heart and life to me and I'm loving it. I truly have a heart for outreach and I know that I'm going to be watching our church bulletins closely for opportunities to get involved. I think my heart for outreach stems from working with the inner city youth at my last job because it's also the reason I want to do school counseling. I want to give youth that "last chance" that otherwise they may not get elsewhere. I believe that our church has the ability to do great things and I believe that God is going to work through us so long as we continue to have a passion to serve Him and love the members of our community.
I also have a heart for both our children and our youth. Tomorrow I'm filling in in the preschool Sunday school class and I told Mrs. G. today that if I enjoyed it, I would be more than happy to fill in for the summer since I know they need someone in there on a regular basis. I also told our youth leader that Iwould love to help support his ministry and volunteer if needed.
I feel like the pieces of my life are slowly coming together. I still haven't heard from UC but like I told Mrs. G. today-God knows where I'm going to be this fall. He knows the plans for my life even before I do. If for some reason I don't get into grad school for this fall, it doesn't mean I'm not meant to go back to school. It just means the time isn't right. God might use that extra time to do great things through me. I don't know what His plans are but I trust that He has me right where He wants me. I don't need to follow in someone else's footsteps and their shadow because that's not what God wants. He wants to work through me and He has great plans for me. I just need to learn to listen to His voice and not the voice that tells me I can't do something. Through Christ I can do all things. To know I'm living God's plan for my life is an amazing feeling and I can't wait to see where He takes me next.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
One of those weeks
It's been one of those weeks. I don't really feel like updating and nothing is really wrong but I've just been in a blah mood all week.
Highlight of my week though:
1. Micah keeps nailing her back handsprings at dance! She is doing amazing! So proud of that little girl.
2. I'm going to see New Kids on the Block in June with Megan and some friends from work. Yep, be jealous. :-)
Highlight of my week though:
1. Micah keeps nailing her back handsprings at dance! She is doing amazing! So proud of that little girl.
2. I'm going to see New Kids on the Block in June with Megan and some friends from work. Yep, be jealous. :-)
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Annoyed
Do you ever have one of those days where you wake up and just know you're going to be in a crappy mood all day? That's me today. I don't know why I'm so cranky but I am. The down side of it? I'm going out with friends tonight and right now, I don't even really feel like going. I'm going because it's the last free night of their spring break and we haven't had a fun night out together in forever, but really, I just want to avoid people.
I have an idea of why I'm so cranky and annoyed but yet, no one to talk to. Funny how that works isn't it? I tried explaining it to Megan last night but somehow the conversation shifted away from why I'm truly upset and annoyed and I never did try to get back to it.
Lately I've become so closed off and I don't know how to change that. The only person who has really gotten told anything recently is Vince and that's because he asked me last weekend how I was really feeling about stuff in my life. Even then I didn't tell him everything because it's just become easier to not tell everyone everything lately. Oh and my mentor Mrs. G. from church knows too because we had a three hour talk a couple weeks ago about everything going on in my life.
It just sucks when you don't feel like you can talk to anyone because you'll either make someone upset with you or you'll be accused of being jealous of that person's life when both are the furthest thing from the truth. I'm at the point right now that I want to cry and I just can't do it because there are too many people around. How can you be real with someone when they don't want to hear it? They may say they do but their body language and facial expression give away that they don't or give away the fact that they're upset with you for feeling the way you do. That's why I just keep my mouth shut anymore. It's just easier to let it all build up until I can spill my feelings into my offline journal or a private entry in my online blogs. Somehow, it's just easier that way. I grew up hiding how I felt when I lived with my dad so starting to hide how I feel again has just come back naturally. It's just another day in my life anymore.
I have an idea of why I'm so cranky and annoyed but yet, no one to talk to. Funny how that works isn't it? I tried explaining it to Megan last night but somehow the conversation shifted away from why I'm truly upset and annoyed and I never did try to get back to it.
Lately I've become so closed off and I don't know how to change that. The only person who has really gotten told anything recently is Vince and that's because he asked me last weekend how I was really feeling about stuff in my life. Even then I didn't tell him everything because it's just become easier to not tell everyone everything lately. Oh and my mentor Mrs. G. from church knows too because we had a three hour talk a couple weeks ago about everything going on in my life.
It just sucks when you don't feel like you can talk to anyone because you'll either make someone upset with you or you'll be accused of being jealous of that person's life when both are the furthest thing from the truth. I'm at the point right now that I want to cry and I just can't do it because there are too many people around. How can you be real with someone when they don't want to hear it? They may say they do but their body language and facial expression give away that they don't or give away the fact that they're upset with you for feeling the way you do. That's why I just keep my mouth shut anymore. It's just easier to let it all build up until I can spill my feelings into my offline journal or a private entry in my online blogs. Somehow, it's just easier that way. I grew up hiding how I felt when I lived with my dad so starting to hide how I feel again has just come back naturally. It's just another day in my life anymore.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Cute moment
I just went in to check on my niece and nephew a little bit ago and my nephew wasn't in his bed. I started panicking, trying to figure out where he had gone. I pulled the blankets off to make sure he wasn't just sleeping at the bottom of the bed like he sometimes does. That's when I glanced down at the bottom bunk of the bed and he was curled up in bed next to Savannah. It was the cutest thing I think I've seen in awhile. I should go take a picture.
On another note, I went to the gym tonight and killed myself on the elliptical. I then ended up going for ice cream on the way home. Epic fail. Back to the gym after work tomorrow to make up for it.
On another note, I went to the gym tonight and killed myself on the elliptical. I then ended up going for ice cream on the way home. Epic fail. Back to the gym after work tomorrow to make up for it.
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