I haven't done a real update in awhile and I feel guilty for not writing much so I figured if I just start rambling that maybe it'll make me tired enough to sleep.
There really hasn't been too much going on. I work everyday and when I'm not working I'm always on the go somewhere. It's starting to wear me down though and I asked for the morning off on Monday from work to sleep in a bit. My small group is talking about going to the Bengals-Broncos preseason game Sunday night but even if we don't go, I think I'm still going to keep the morning off just to get some rest.
My 5k is next week and I haven't run at all this week. I haven't been feeling well this week and have been having some trouble breathing so I figured running wasn't a smart idea. I'm worried that I'm not going to do well at the 5k. Denise keeps telling me it's not about the time, but about finishing so that's what I keep telling myself. I just want to finish and to run a good chunk of it.
We're having our state inspection at work tomorrow which is always fun. And when I say fun, I mean no, not really. However, I know my classroom is ready so we should be fine. I just hope my kids behave themselves. We've had a rough two weeks so I hope tomorrow goes smoothly.
My Denver trip is exactly 30 days away and I have been counting down like crazy! I've been missing the boys like crazy and can't wait to get out there for the week. Mike has a bunch of stuff planned for us and I also plan to get in some outdoor running while I'm there. I don't know if I ever mentioned it, but my friend Kelly is going with me which will be fun. She's never been so I can't wait to show her why I love it so much. We're even going to check out a church while we're there so that will be fun too.
School starts next month. Blah. Part of me is ready to get back but a bigger part of me enjoyed having the summer off. Starting next month, I'm going straight through until I graduate in March of 2012. That means summer classes next summer since I'm part time and didn't take the other two classes required last summer. It's going to be a busy year and a half, but I just keep reminding myself that when I have that Master's degree in my hand it will all be worth it, even if I'll be paying off student loans until the day I die. :-P
Alright, I think that's all I've got for tonight. I need to get some sleep to chase my crazy three year olds tomorrow when state is in the building.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Confidence
I'm getting ready to head out to baby-sit my favorite cousins tonight so I'm going to make this quick. It's on my mind and I know if I don't blog about it now, I'll never get around to blogging about it so I figured I would do it now so I don't have to take my computer with me tonight.
I just got done taking a shower and I'm amazed at the confident young woman that was staring back at me in the mirror when I was getting dressed. Two years ago, I never would have imagined that my life would be where it is right now or that I would ever have confidence in the person I have grown up to be. I never would have thought myself capable of training for a half marathon or even losing the weight that over the years I have struggled with.
Three years ago when I was diagnosed with PCOS, I thought my life was over. My dreams of having a family had suddenly vanished, along with the hope of ever getting married because who would want to marry a woman who couldn't give them a family? It took me almost a year to work through the emotions of being told that I may never have kids of my own before I realized that if I'm meant to have kids, God will bless me with a family, whether they be my own flesh and blood or children I've adopted who have captured my heart. This diagnosis no longer hung over my head and I began to make changes to overcome what the doctors had told me.
Each doctor's appointment, I was constantly lectured on how much I could control my own treatmeant by exercising and eating right. I blew it off until about six months after I graduated from OU. I had grown to hate the person staring back at me from the mirror and silently asked myself how I had ever let myself get to the weight I was at. Yes, I may have lost about 20 pounds from the time I was diagnosed and started medicine to the time I joined Fitworks, but I still hated the person I had become.
Now, three years after my diagnosis and almost two years after joining Fitworks, I am down a whopping 50 pounds and I'm training for a half marathon. I still have a long way to go before I hit a weight that is acceptable for my height but suddenly it no longer seems impossible. For me, it's no longer about the numbers on the scale. Yes, I love when they drop each month (such as this morning when I got on and I had dropped another three pounds from last month which put me at my July goal!) but it's no longer the numbers I care about. It's the confidence and maturity I see in myself that matters the most.
I'm signing up to run a 5k on August 21st, the first of many I hope to run in anticipation of running 13.1 miles at the Flying Pig next May. This morning Denise and I went for a three mile run/walk (because let's face it-I can't run three full miles yet!) and we were talking about how incredible it is for me to be at this point because last year at this time, I dreaded running. I couldn't run further than a couple of houses down the street from her before I had to stop and catch my breath. Now, I can run almost a quarter of a mile before having to stop, which for me is an incredible step. After finishing three miles this morning for the first time ever, I proved to myself that I CAN and WILL finish this 5k in August and I CAN and WILL finish the half marathon at the Pig next May.
Denise commented on my outfit this morning because I had bought actual running clothes last weekend and she mentioned how trim I looked. I tend to still blow these comments about my weight loss off because I still feel self conscious, but this morning I loved that she acknowledged it. It helped for someone else to see the progress I'm making and to comment on it. It boosts my confidence each time someone else sees the progress that I'm making, especially when I get frustrated at times that I'm not where I want myself to be.
My cousin Jen says that running is 95% a mental state and that to make progress, I need to believe that I can do it. After this morning and the three miles I finished, I now believe. I KNOW I can do this and I can't wait to cross that finish line, both at the 5k in August and then at the half marathon in May. I still can't believe this is my life and where I'm at, but what I do know is that I love the confidence I have developed and the person I'm slowly growing into. It was a long time coming and damn does it feel good!
I just got done taking a shower and I'm amazed at the confident young woman that was staring back at me in the mirror when I was getting dressed. Two years ago, I never would have imagined that my life would be where it is right now or that I would ever have confidence in the person I have grown up to be. I never would have thought myself capable of training for a half marathon or even losing the weight that over the years I have struggled with.
Three years ago when I was diagnosed with PCOS, I thought my life was over. My dreams of having a family had suddenly vanished, along with the hope of ever getting married because who would want to marry a woman who couldn't give them a family? It took me almost a year to work through the emotions of being told that I may never have kids of my own before I realized that if I'm meant to have kids, God will bless me with a family, whether they be my own flesh and blood or children I've adopted who have captured my heart. This diagnosis no longer hung over my head and I began to make changes to overcome what the doctors had told me.
Each doctor's appointment, I was constantly lectured on how much I could control my own treatmeant by exercising and eating right. I blew it off until about six months after I graduated from OU. I had grown to hate the person staring back at me from the mirror and silently asked myself how I had ever let myself get to the weight I was at. Yes, I may have lost about 20 pounds from the time I was diagnosed and started medicine to the time I joined Fitworks, but I still hated the person I had become.
Now, three years after my diagnosis and almost two years after joining Fitworks, I am down a whopping 50 pounds and I'm training for a half marathon. I still have a long way to go before I hit a weight that is acceptable for my height but suddenly it no longer seems impossible. For me, it's no longer about the numbers on the scale. Yes, I love when they drop each month (such as this morning when I got on and I had dropped another three pounds from last month which put me at my July goal!) but it's no longer the numbers I care about. It's the confidence and maturity I see in myself that matters the most.
I'm signing up to run a 5k on August 21st, the first of many I hope to run in anticipation of running 13.1 miles at the Flying Pig next May. This morning Denise and I went for a three mile run/walk (because let's face it-I can't run three full miles yet!) and we were talking about how incredible it is for me to be at this point because last year at this time, I dreaded running. I couldn't run further than a couple of houses down the street from her before I had to stop and catch my breath. Now, I can run almost a quarter of a mile before having to stop, which for me is an incredible step. After finishing three miles this morning for the first time ever, I proved to myself that I CAN and WILL finish this 5k in August and I CAN and WILL finish the half marathon at the Pig next May.
Denise commented on my outfit this morning because I had bought actual running clothes last weekend and she mentioned how trim I looked. I tend to still blow these comments about my weight loss off because I still feel self conscious, but this morning I loved that she acknowledged it. It helped for someone else to see the progress I'm making and to comment on it. It boosts my confidence each time someone else sees the progress that I'm making, especially when I get frustrated at times that I'm not where I want myself to be.
My cousin Jen says that running is 95% a mental state and that to make progress, I need to believe that I can do it. After this morning and the three miles I finished, I now believe. I KNOW I can do this and I can't wait to cross that finish line, both at the 5k in August and then at the half marathon in May. I still can't believe this is my life and where I'm at, but what I do know is that I love the confidence I have developed and the person I'm slowly growing into. It was a long time coming and damn does it feel good!
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Letting God write my love story
Last night I decided on a whim to stop by the library on my way home. I haven't been to the West Chester library since the new branch opened about a year ago and since I wasn't feeling well, I wanted something to read. I got a new library card (it's been that long since I've been there!) and started exploring the shelves when I stumbled across this book called Never the Bride by Cheryl McKay and Rene Gutteridge. Since we all know I'm a sap and complain about how I'm always the bridesmaid and never the bride, I decided to check this book out without even reading the back of the book to see what it was about.
I started it last night and fell asleep about two chapters in thanks to my cold meds and then read some more on my lunch break today. I hated to put it down and finished it tonight in a hot bath after movie night with my mom. This book was my life in a nutshell. The main character, Jessie, was in her thirties, but other than that, she could have been telling my life story. The best part of the whole book? It was given from a Christian perspective and was about her struggle to give God the pen to her love story. I laughed, I cried, I groaned, and I rejoiced throughout the whole book. I don't want to share more details because I think it's a must read, but it got me thinking, which is the point of this post.
In the book, Jessie struggles to understand why she's single. She looks for love in all the wrong places and you can't help but groan during a couple of chapters when she's setting herself up for disaster by dating a man you know is clearly wrong for her. As I read those chapters, I couldn't help but ask myself how many times I've done that too. God's timing isn't good enough for me so I have eyes for the first guy who shows me attention, thinking that he is the answer God is clearly giving me. After all, he showed up in my life at just the right moment. Clearly this is what God wants isn't it?
I can't tell you how many times since high school that this scene has played out in my life and how many times I have been left broken hearted because of it. When am I going to give God the pen to my journal and let Him write my love story? How long will I keep taking back control instead of letting Him write this beautiful story He knows is best for me?
That's what this year of not dating is all about. It's about trusting, believing, and knowing that God's way is best and that if I allow Him to, He has a beautiful story for my future. It may not be the future that I envision with the person I envision and dream of, but it will be the right future because it will be one that He ordains and scripts out for me. There is nothing I want more than that future, even if it means waiting.
I started it last night and fell asleep about two chapters in thanks to my cold meds and then read some more on my lunch break today. I hated to put it down and finished it tonight in a hot bath after movie night with my mom. This book was my life in a nutshell. The main character, Jessie, was in her thirties, but other than that, she could have been telling my life story. The best part of the whole book? It was given from a Christian perspective and was about her struggle to give God the pen to her love story. I laughed, I cried, I groaned, and I rejoiced throughout the whole book. I don't want to share more details because I think it's a must read, but it got me thinking, which is the point of this post.
In the book, Jessie struggles to understand why she's single. She looks for love in all the wrong places and you can't help but groan during a couple of chapters when she's setting herself up for disaster by dating a man you know is clearly wrong for her. As I read those chapters, I couldn't help but ask myself how many times I've done that too. God's timing isn't good enough for me so I have eyes for the first guy who shows me attention, thinking that he is the answer God is clearly giving me. After all, he showed up in my life at just the right moment. Clearly this is what God wants isn't it?
I can't tell you how many times since high school that this scene has played out in my life and how many times I have been left broken hearted because of it. When am I going to give God the pen to my journal and let Him write my love story? How long will I keep taking back control instead of letting Him write this beautiful story He knows is best for me?
That's what this year of not dating is all about. It's about trusting, believing, and knowing that God's way is best and that if I allow Him to, He has a beautiful story for my future. It may not be the future that I envision with the person I envision and dream of, but it will be the right future because it will be one that He ordains and scripts out for me. There is nothing I want more than that future, even if it means waiting.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Big changes are coming...I think?
For the last two weeks, I've felt as if God is tugging on my heart and trying to get my attention. What it is He's trying to tell me, I still haven't deciphered, but I'm working on it. We've been talking in our small group and with the youth lately about dying to ourselves and doing things outside of our comfort zone that we clearly know God is calling us to do, even when we ourselves don't think we are capable of doing them.
This is where I am right now. I can clearly hear God calling me to start reaching out to other young adults in our church, people who are not involved in other groups and people I think could benefit from the fellowship and growth that our group has experienced together. The only thing holding me back is the fact that I don't personally know some of these people, though I can sense God pushing me to reach out. I don't do well in new social situations so this is holding me back from reaching out to them. I know I need to get over this hump because we've been talking about our group needing to grow and reach out so I need to stop being stubborn and let God lead this to where it needs to go.
Along with that, I've been involved with our youth group since last fall when I volunteered to chaperone fall retreat. Since then, I have been actively attending Sunday evenings and even Sunday morning during Sunday school. God has laid it on my heart to become more involved with the girls in the group and start pouring into their lives even more than I already do. Seth has organized a girls night out in August during which I'm hoping to get a feel for what it is they need and want. Seth is obviously a man so he can't understand some of their teenage struggles and I want them to know they have a woman they can look up to and turn to when they need someone.
Again, the only problem with this is that I feel as if I'm incapable of doing this. God has called me to work with these youth and invest in their lives but yet I hold myself back because I let myself think that I can't do it. Seth has asked me if I have interest in teaching occasionally on Sunday nights and after praying about it, I feel as if it's something I'm being led to do but I'm letting my silly human emotions get in the way of the work God wants to do with this group.
I'm also sensing Him working in my own personal life in areas I'm not fully ready to disclose yet. Some of it is relationships, some of it is friendships, and some of it is my future after grad school. I'm praying and journaling and trying to make sense of where God is trying to lead me. I know He'll never give me more than I can handle so I need to shake off these feelings of being incapable and roll with what God is leading me to do. I think He could do great things through me if I could only let Him have control.
This is where I am right now. I can clearly hear God calling me to start reaching out to other young adults in our church, people who are not involved in other groups and people I think could benefit from the fellowship and growth that our group has experienced together. The only thing holding me back is the fact that I don't personally know some of these people, though I can sense God pushing me to reach out. I don't do well in new social situations so this is holding me back from reaching out to them. I know I need to get over this hump because we've been talking about our group needing to grow and reach out so I need to stop being stubborn and let God lead this to where it needs to go.
Along with that, I've been involved with our youth group since last fall when I volunteered to chaperone fall retreat. Since then, I have been actively attending Sunday evenings and even Sunday morning during Sunday school. God has laid it on my heart to become more involved with the girls in the group and start pouring into their lives even more than I already do. Seth has organized a girls night out in August during which I'm hoping to get a feel for what it is they need and want. Seth is obviously a man so he can't understand some of their teenage struggles and I want them to know they have a woman they can look up to and turn to when they need someone.
Again, the only problem with this is that I feel as if I'm incapable of doing this. God has called me to work with these youth and invest in their lives but yet I hold myself back because I let myself think that I can't do it. Seth has asked me if I have interest in teaching occasionally on Sunday nights and after praying about it, I feel as if it's something I'm being led to do but I'm letting my silly human emotions get in the way of the work God wants to do with this group.
I'm also sensing Him working in my own personal life in areas I'm not fully ready to disclose yet. Some of it is relationships, some of it is friendships, and some of it is my future after grad school. I'm praying and journaling and trying to make sense of where God is trying to lead me. I know He'll never give me more than I can handle so I need to shake off these feelings of being incapable and roll with what God is leading me to do. I think He could do great things through me if I could only let Him have control.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Alive
I'm alive. I've just been....processing...some stuff. I have a lot on my mind but I just haven't been in the mood to write. I was all set to write an entry when I got home from campus tonight but as soon as I sat down on the couch, it felt like all my energy had been sucked out of me. Hopefully I'll be back this weekend with an update. We'll see.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Training
I went to the gym tonight for a much needed run. For whatever reason, my whole body has been tensed up the last couple of days and I honestly think it's from all the driving I've done in the last week. I'm contemplating with my next full paycheck going to get a massage to get all the knots out, but we'll see if I really shell out the money for it.
Anyway, back to my run. I ran last night after work and only got a mile in. I had a headache due to the heat and I got lightheaded because I hadn't really eaten much yesterday because I was so busy at work. Once I hit the one mile mark I decided it was time to get off the treadmill and go home to have dinner. I was going to go for another run after dinner but got a text from Diana asking if I wanted to meet her and John (who are technically on their honeymoon!) to hang out for a bit so I headed out to their hotel and we hung out until almost 11 instead.
I went to dinner with my friend Kelly tonight and then headed to the gym determined to get a mile and a half in. I actually succeeded, but not before feeling like I was going to die. I need to build my endurance up so I can run a mile straight without stopping but instead I did intervals. I would run for a tenth of a mile, and then walk for a tenth of mile and so on and so forth. I did this until I finally hit a mile and a half. At 1.40 on the treadmill, I was ready to collapse but I made myself finish strong until I hit the 1.50 mark. My goal by next week is two miles, so we'll see how it goes.
I also cut my mile time down to a 13 minute mile which is pretty exciting for me. I'm hoping by Christmas I'll have it down even further. My friend Denise is training for a half marathon for this coming September so we're going to start running together again. I do better running when I have someone beside me.
Alright, I'm going to go pass out from exhaustion now. My run knocked all the energy out of me so I should sleep good tonight. I didn't want to go to the gym, but I'm so glad I did. With each run I can feel myself getting stronger so I'm getting myself psyched up for all of this marathon training. Flying Pig 2011 half marathon here I come!
Anyway, back to my run. I ran last night after work and only got a mile in. I had a headache due to the heat and I got lightheaded because I hadn't really eaten much yesterday because I was so busy at work. Once I hit the one mile mark I decided it was time to get off the treadmill and go home to have dinner. I was going to go for another run after dinner but got a text from Diana asking if I wanted to meet her and John (who are technically on their honeymoon!) to hang out for a bit so I headed out to their hotel and we hung out until almost 11 instead.
I went to dinner with my friend Kelly tonight and then headed to the gym determined to get a mile and a half in. I actually succeeded, but not before feeling like I was going to die. I need to build my endurance up so I can run a mile straight without stopping but instead I did intervals. I would run for a tenth of a mile, and then walk for a tenth of mile and so on and so forth. I did this until I finally hit a mile and a half. At 1.40 on the treadmill, I was ready to collapse but I made myself finish strong until I hit the 1.50 mark. My goal by next week is two miles, so we'll see how it goes.
I also cut my mile time down to a 13 minute mile which is pretty exciting for me. I'm hoping by Christmas I'll have it down even further. My friend Denise is training for a half marathon for this coming September so we're going to start running together again. I do better running when I have someone beside me.
Alright, I'm going to go pass out from exhaustion now. My run knocked all the energy out of me so I should sleep good tonight. I didn't want to go to the gym, but I'm so glad I did. With each run I can feel myself getting stronger so I'm getting myself psyched up for all of this marathon training. Flying Pig 2011 half marathon here I come!
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Back to reality
Well, it's back to reality tomorrow. As I spent four hours in the car driving home from Cleveland today (long story I'll get into later), I had too much time to think and during that four hours I kicked myself for my bad attitude on vacation. I spent so much time being upset about things out of my control that I didn't enjoy my vacation as much as I should have and now I regret the way I acted.
It's sad when Megan has more pictures of my nieces and nephew than I do because I couldn't handle being out in the sun early in the morning because it was too much on my skin. I wish I could spin time backwards one week so I could redo my vacation. But I can't so now I need to spend the summer making up for it and spending as much time with my family as possible. I'm so upset about it that I'm literally sitting here with tears in my eyes thinking about how much I missed out on because of my bad mood. I hate that I let myself get into this mood and then couldn't shake it for the rest of the week.
It just goes with the funk I've been in lately. I wish I could shake it and I can't and instead I'm just making myself miss out on things like this past week with my family and other events. I'm so glad I at least made myself make the four hour drive for Diana's wedding. I would have hated myself if I had missed it.
I know this entry makes no sense but I had to get some of it out so I can sleep. :-/
It's sad when Megan has more pictures of my nieces and nephew than I do because I couldn't handle being out in the sun early in the morning because it was too much on my skin. I wish I could spin time backwards one week so I could redo my vacation. But I can't so now I need to spend the summer making up for it and spending as much time with my family as possible. I'm so upset about it that I'm literally sitting here with tears in my eyes thinking about how much I missed out on because of my bad mood. I hate that I let myself get into this mood and then couldn't shake it for the rest of the week.
It just goes with the funk I've been in lately. I wish I could shake it and I can't and instead I'm just making myself miss out on things like this past week with my family and other events. I'm so glad I at least made myself make the four hour drive for Diana's wedding. I would have hated myself if I had missed it.
I know this entry makes no sense but I had to get some of it out so I can sleep. :-/
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