I remember back to the days when I used to blog every day, or every couple of days. Even with nothing of importance to say other than the mundane every day stuff going on in my life, my blogging was an escape and I felt the need to capture every moment so I wouldn't forget them. Now, I live in the moment. I'm not attached to my blog or my camera the way that I used to be.
Since I turned 29 in October, it was as if something clicked that suddenly made me an "adult." I've been working hard to take the steps to get all of my finances in order. 2013 was the year that I paid off two of my credit cards and this year looks close to being the same. I'm in the process of having two of my student loans forgiven because I work in a state licensed child care center (friends who teach preschool-if you have a Perkins loan, look into their forgiveness program!) and my other loans are in a place where I can actually make payments on them. My phone doesn't ring off the hook anymore with debt collectors because everything is in repayment mode. I actually have money to live off of and while I still live paycheck to paycheck, I don't stress out about finances as much as I used to. My car will be paid off in the spring of 2015 and my final two credit cards won't be far behind.
The best part of my finances being in order is that I've been able to travel a little bit here and there. This past summer I spent a week in Disney and Vero Beach with my parents and my high school best friend, and then I also spent a week with my senior high youth kids at a conference at a college in Tennessee. 2014 also holds big adventures! Mariah and I just booked a seven night Caribbean cruise with Carnival for the week after Christmas when our preschool is closed. Three nights at sea, with stops in St. Maarten, San Juan, and Grand Turk! We're also staying the night before our cruise in Miami, which I've only ever been to once, the night before we flew out to go to Haiti two years ago. My wanderlust heart is beyond excited and I have spent the past 24 hours googling everything I can find on our ports of call, exploring the ship on Carnival's website, and dreaming of warmth since it's pretty much been snowing here in Ohio since early December, with no signs of stopping anytime soon. While it stinks to have to wait 11 months for a vacation, it will be well worth it in the end! :)
I think one of the biggest things I learned in 2013 was contentment. Throughout the majority of my 20s, I struggled with being content with God's timing and in being single. Watching friend after friend get married and start a family took a toll on my heart, but God gently reminded me that He is to be my all. His timing is perfect and His plans are way better than my own. I signed myself up for a year long Disciple Bible study that is working me through the Old Testament and shining a light into my life that I needed to see. I also joined a women's small group that meets on Thursday evenings. It was originally a four week follow up to the women's retreat I went on back in November, but we enjoyed meeting together so much that we decided to keep going with meeting on Thursday nights. We're currently talking about priorities and boundries in our lives while working through Balancing It All by Candace Cameron Bure. I've come to cherish my Thursday nights and the amazing ladies that bring so much joy to my life. It's the one place I've come to feel as if I can be real and vulnerable and they'll love me despite the messiness of life and the things I struggle with.
One of the greatest blessings to my life this year has been the youth ministry. I've been a youth sponsor since 2009, but this year I feel as if God has really been nudging me to pour my heart and soul into these kids. I currently mentor two of our senior high girls who I love dearly and spend quality time with most of the kids twice a week during youth Bible study and Sunday night worship. It's been a blessing to watch them grow together and to become a family this year, something we adults have been praying for over the past several years.
I learned this year who my friends are, the people who have surrounded me with love, grace, and joy on a daily basis. Some of them are scattered and we're separated by miles and hours, but I know all I have to do is pick up the phone or send them an email, and they'll drop everything for me. I gained one very dear friend, a coworker who has stuck by my side since summer and who probably doesn't realize how much I cherish her friendship. She has listened to me vent, I'm fairly certain she potentially has seen me cry, and she has loved me despite the ugliness of the battles we've fought together. I can't imagine what both my life and work would be like without her friendship. When I look at my life, I no longer have multiple "best friends." Instead, I have a circle of close friends, people who build me up, encourage me, and love me for who I am. We've all been together for so long that I can't imagine what life would be like without them.
I used to dread turning 29, knowing it was the end of my 20s and thinking that I was going to be old by turning 30. Instead, I look forward to this year and the exciting things I know God has planned for my life. I'm slowly learning to become okay with the fact that I may never get married (I have several friends who keep pushing me and telling me I need to move or switch churches to find a husband-not going to happen!) and I'm learning what it means to be content in who I am and who Christ calls me to be. My identity is not found in a husband, my job, or my finances. It is found in Jesus, who wants nothing more than my utmost devotion and my heart.
Here's to 2014...new adventures, better finances, and a life full of love and laugther. I can't wait to see what this year holds. :)
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Friday, July 12, 2013
The one with the guys...
Now, I'm sure based off of the title alone, everyone is going to assume I'm boy crazy or something along those lines. Instead, I want to share some thoughts that have been floating through my head that tonight I just need to get out because I want the world to know how great they are. I told these same guys tonight that I was going home to sleep because I have to work early so that's what I should be doing but I've been tinkering with this in my mind for awhile and want to get it out.
Back in high school, when I first became a Christian, I heard over and over again that we should be praying for our future husbands, especially for someone who loves the Lord and is going to be the spiritual leader in our relationship. I think quite a few of us girls went through the time in our lives where we "gave up dating for a year" after reading I Kissed Dating Goodbye and whatever those other dating books were. Several of us have (or had) lists in the back of our Bibles of the characteristics we wanted in our future husbands. Some of my friends wrote letters to their future husbands faithfully (I've tried and my future husband is lucky if I remember twice a year to write to him. You'd think being a blogger it would come easy but nope I forget about that journal quite often...). As girls, we talked often about what our futures would look like, the types of weddings we wanted, etc. etc.
Well, I've learned that God's plans are far greater than my own and while I'm not currently in any type of relationship, I am surrounded by some pretty amazing Christian men who show me on a regular basis what it means to love the Lord. These guys in my life exemplify Christ in the ways that they live their lives. They encourage me, make me laugh, and invest in my life and my spiritual walk with God by asking me how they can pray for me. When I have a bad day, I know that I can talk to any of these guys and they will find a way to make me laugh, talk me through whatever is going on in my life, and find a way to encourage me. At the end of the day, I know that they are praying for me, which means more to me than any of them know.
With so many of my girlfriends in serious relationships, getting married, and having babies, I'm finding it's getting harder and harder to find someone to spend time with regularly. These amazing guys include me in their circle, even though other than one's girlfriend, I'm the only girl. They go out of their way to make sure they include me in the plans they make. They even crazily asked me if I wanted to go to Cedar Point this weekend...silly boys! I don't do roller coasters and they know that, but they wanted to make sure that I knew I was included. They even grudgingly put up with my weird eating habits, which says a lot for them. They may tease me about it, but in the end, they accept me for who I am, strange habits and all.
I can't find the words to even begin to tell you how incredible these men are. They show me constantly what it means to be treated with respect. They hold doors open for me, they listen when I talk, and they ask for my input when we're discussing just about anything (except roller coasters of course...). These guys show me what I deserve to have in a future husband and they are the reason that I am holding out for the best. I deserve someone who loves the Lord the way that they do, someone who treats me with respect, and accepts me for me. What they probably don't realize is that someday, they're going to make amazing husbands and when I pray for my own future husband, I am also praying for their wives, that they will find someone with these same qualities and who loves the Lord as much as they do.
I may be single and I may complain about it here and there, but at the end of the night, these men remind me of what I'm holding out for. They are the best examples of Christ in my life other than my Pastor, my small group leaders, and our youth leader. I am so lucky and so blessed that God has given them to me, to show me how it is a woman deserves to be treated, and to show me what it's like to love the Lord more than they could anyone else. I can't imagine how different my life would be without them.
Back in high school, when I first became a Christian, I heard over and over again that we should be praying for our future husbands, especially for someone who loves the Lord and is going to be the spiritual leader in our relationship. I think quite a few of us girls went through the time in our lives where we "gave up dating for a year" after reading I Kissed Dating Goodbye and whatever those other dating books were. Several of us have (or had) lists in the back of our Bibles of the characteristics we wanted in our future husbands. Some of my friends wrote letters to their future husbands faithfully (I've tried and my future husband is lucky if I remember twice a year to write to him. You'd think being a blogger it would come easy but nope I forget about that journal quite often...). As girls, we talked often about what our futures would look like, the types of weddings we wanted, etc. etc.
Well, I've learned that God's plans are far greater than my own and while I'm not currently in any type of relationship, I am surrounded by some pretty amazing Christian men who show me on a regular basis what it means to love the Lord. These guys in my life exemplify Christ in the ways that they live their lives. They encourage me, make me laugh, and invest in my life and my spiritual walk with God by asking me how they can pray for me. When I have a bad day, I know that I can talk to any of these guys and they will find a way to make me laugh, talk me through whatever is going on in my life, and find a way to encourage me. At the end of the day, I know that they are praying for me, which means more to me than any of them know.
With so many of my girlfriends in serious relationships, getting married, and having babies, I'm finding it's getting harder and harder to find someone to spend time with regularly. These amazing guys include me in their circle, even though other than one's girlfriend, I'm the only girl. They go out of their way to make sure they include me in the plans they make. They even crazily asked me if I wanted to go to Cedar Point this weekend...silly boys! I don't do roller coasters and they know that, but they wanted to make sure that I knew I was included. They even grudgingly put up with my weird eating habits, which says a lot for them. They may tease me about it, but in the end, they accept me for who I am, strange habits and all.
I can't find the words to even begin to tell you how incredible these men are. They show me constantly what it means to be treated with respect. They hold doors open for me, they listen when I talk, and they ask for my input when we're discussing just about anything (except roller coasters of course...). These guys show me what I deserve to have in a future husband and they are the reason that I am holding out for the best. I deserve someone who loves the Lord the way that they do, someone who treats me with respect, and accepts me for me. What they probably don't realize is that someday, they're going to make amazing husbands and when I pray for my own future husband, I am also praying for their wives, that they will find someone with these same qualities and who loves the Lord as much as they do.
I may be single and I may complain about it here and there, but at the end of the night, these men remind me of what I'm holding out for. They are the best examples of Christ in my life other than my Pastor, my small group leaders, and our youth leader. I am so lucky and so blessed that God has given them to me, to show me how it is a woman deserves to be treated, and to show me what it's like to love the Lord more than they could anyone else. I can't imagine how different my life would be without them.
Friday, July 5, 2013
The one with interests
The other day, I had to go into the bank to deposit some money my parents had given me. While I was there, I got into a conversation with my favorite teller Alex. Let me start by saying that of all the branches of my bank in the area, the one closest to my work is my favorite. They are the friendliest people and everytime I go in, especially if there are no other customers aroumd, I end up chatting with Lauren and Alex (my two favorite tellers) for at least half an hour about anything and everything. I've never been one to talk to people for long periods of time that I'm not good friends with, but for some reason, these two get me talking every time I walk into the bank.
Anyway...Alex and I were chatting the other day and he was telling me about these dance classes his wife takes, just for the fun of it. Somehow the conversation shifted from there to the fact that I do not have an athletic or artistic bone in my body. He got a good laugh out of the fact that I said I trip over my own feet and have no hand eye coordination and that my kiddos in my classroom make fun of the drawings I do, even my stick figures, because they never turn out well. Then, he asked a question that stumped me and has had me thinking all week. He asked me what I was interested in.
Wait...what?? I used to have answers that rolled right off of my tongue back in high school and college. Now, I had to stop and actually think about it. I told him that I've always been good with words, and that I love to write, even when I don't do it as often anymore. I also told him about my love for reading, which got us into a long conversation about books and recommendations of books we should read.
I left the bank that day with my brain swirling. How is it that I've gotten to be where I am right now, but I have no idea as to what interests me anymore? What do I do with all of my spare time? How have I gotten so caught up in the hustle and bustle of life that I have no idea what I liked to do in my spare time? Well, I took this week to give it some serious thought and here's what I came up with:
1. I love to read. I have a crazy obsession with my kindle ever since I got it for Christmas and I spend hours looking for free or discounted books to read. I've found several series that I wouldn't otherwise have read if they hadn't popped up as recommendations on my reading list. I also love actual books. I walked into the library the other day because I'm poor and can't afford books on my kindle right now. When I walked in, I stopped and just breathed in the scent of books all around me. I could spend HOURS purusing a bookstore or a library, just looking at covers and reading book jackets. It's by far one of my favorite solo activities.
2. I love words. I love to write. I have journals tucked into shoeboxes in my closets that I spent hours filling with my dreams, hopes, woes, and thoughts from high school all the way through college. I am constantly having ideas for blog entries swirling through my head but never take the time to sit down and type them all out. Sometimes I write for an audience. Other times I write for myself. When I'm upset, my favorite thing to do is to take out my journal and just write until it's all out of my system. Writing for me is the best and cheapest form of therapy there is.
3. I love to run. Well, okay, I have a love/hate relationship with running. I hate it because it's not something I'm great at and I'm slow and will probably never run a full marathon but I love it because when I'm out running, it's the one time I'm not thinking of anything else. I can clear my head and focus on my breathing, the scenery around me, and the music playing on my IPod. Along with writing, it also is the cheapest and best form of therapy there is.
4. I love to travel and I love reading about travel. I can't count the number of hours I've spent purusing the internet and pinterest for pictures, travel blogs, and tips about traveling. My family loves Disney and I love to vacation with my family, but that's the one place they are content to go. I, on the other hand, have a two page (and growing!) list in my journal of all the places I want to go. Italy, France, England, Ireland, Greece, Spain...plus all the places Stateside that I want to go. I want to see it all! I was bit by the traveling bug when my stepdad took us on our first real vacation to Gatlinburg back in high school and ever since, I've been fascinated by all these places that I've only ever read about in books.
I don't know how I've gotten so caught up in the hustle and bustle of life that I let myself lose focus on the things that interest me and that I love. I'm grateful to Alex, that he made me slow down this week and zone in on the things I love. I have a completely different blog floating through my head about doing activities such as traveling solo but I figured this one would be long enough so I'll save that one for another night. I can only hope that I will stop and take time out, even if for just 20 minutes a day, to do something for myself and remember the little things in life that I enjoy the most.
Anyway...Alex and I were chatting the other day and he was telling me about these dance classes his wife takes, just for the fun of it. Somehow the conversation shifted from there to the fact that I do not have an athletic or artistic bone in my body. He got a good laugh out of the fact that I said I trip over my own feet and have no hand eye coordination and that my kiddos in my classroom make fun of the drawings I do, even my stick figures, because they never turn out well. Then, he asked a question that stumped me and has had me thinking all week. He asked me what I was interested in.
Wait...what?? I used to have answers that rolled right off of my tongue back in high school and college. Now, I had to stop and actually think about it. I told him that I've always been good with words, and that I love to write, even when I don't do it as often anymore. I also told him about my love for reading, which got us into a long conversation about books and recommendations of books we should read.
I left the bank that day with my brain swirling. How is it that I've gotten to be where I am right now, but I have no idea as to what interests me anymore? What do I do with all of my spare time? How have I gotten so caught up in the hustle and bustle of life that I have no idea what I liked to do in my spare time? Well, I took this week to give it some serious thought and here's what I came up with:
1. I love to read. I have a crazy obsession with my kindle ever since I got it for Christmas and I spend hours looking for free or discounted books to read. I've found several series that I wouldn't otherwise have read if they hadn't popped up as recommendations on my reading list. I also love actual books. I walked into the library the other day because I'm poor and can't afford books on my kindle right now. When I walked in, I stopped and just breathed in the scent of books all around me. I could spend HOURS purusing a bookstore or a library, just looking at covers and reading book jackets. It's by far one of my favorite solo activities.
2. I love words. I love to write. I have journals tucked into shoeboxes in my closets that I spent hours filling with my dreams, hopes, woes, and thoughts from high school all the way through college. I am constantly having ideas for blog entries swirling through my head but never take the time to sit down and type them all out. Sometimes I write for an audience. Other times I write for myself. When I'm upset, my favorite thing to do is to take out my journal and just write until it's all out of my system. Writing for me is the best and cheapest form of therapy there is.
3. I love to run. Well, okay, I have a love/hate relationship with running. I hate it because it's not something I'm great at and I'm slow and will probably never run a full marathon but I love it because when I'm out running, it's the one time I'm not thinking of anything else. I can clear my head and focus on my breathing, the scenery around me, and the music playing on my IPod. Along with writing, it also is the cheapest and best form of therapy there is.
4. I love to travel and I love reading about travel. I can't count the number of hours I've spent purusing the internet and pinterest for pictures, travel blogs, and tips about traveling. My family loves Disney and I love to vacation with my family, but that's the one place they are content to go. I, on the other hand, have a two page (and growing!) list in my journal of all the places I want to go. Italy, France, England, Ireland, Greece, Spain...plus all the places Stateside that I want to go. I want to see it all! I was bit by the traveling bug when my stepdad took us on our first real vacation to Gatlinburg back in high school and ever since, I've been fascinated by all these places that I've only ever read about in books.
I don't know how I've gotten so caught up in the hustle and bustle of life that I let myself lose focus on the things that interest me and that I love. I'm grateful to Alex, that he made me slow down this week and zone in on the things I love. I have a completely different blog floating through my head about doing activities such as traveling solo but I figured this one would be long enough so I'll save that one for another night. I can only hope that I will stop and take time out, even if for just 20 minutes a day, to do something for myself and remember the little things in life that I enjoy the most.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
The one with the timing
It's funny that I was thinking of creating this post tonight because we discussed contentment with our youth kids tonight and it was just what I needed to hear with this blog post floating through my head.
As a 28 year old single female, I'd like to think I have my life figured out by now. Funny enough, I don't. Not even close. There are some days where I wake up and all I want to do is pull the blankets back up over my head instead of facing the obstacles I know God has planned for me for the day. Does that ever happen? Well, sometimes on a Saturday it does. I'll admit I slept until almost 3 yesterday afternoon simply because I could. And I needed it fighting off a cold.
When I look at where my life is at this present moment, it's definitely not where I planned it to be. Am I content with where I am? Well, the jury is still out on that one. Some days the answer is yes. Other days the answer is no. It all comes down to whatever has gone on that day and the mood I may be in. I am slowly learning what contentment looks like and trusting that the plans God has for my life are far better than any plan I ever had.
Back in high school, I had my life all planned out. I was going to go to college, graduate, start my career, get married, and start a family...all before I was 30. Well, I'm about a year and a half out from being 30 and so far the only things checked off of that list are going to college and graduating. I'm in a job that doesn't necessarily require a degree, I'm single, and I definitely don't have a family of my own. I'm the proud aunt of four amazing kids and another on the way, but I don't have kids of my own just yet.
Sometimes, I look at my life and wonder what I'm missing. I love my job, even if it's not my dream job. I love being a youth sponsor and a mentor. I love my small group. I love my family and friends. Every day is full of something different and most nights I go to bed exhausted. However, I wonder how often I use my busy schedule to keep myself from letting the loneliness inside of me come to the surface. About six months ago, I was having a conversation with an older lady from my church who asked me if I could sense my biological clock ticking since I'm so close to 30, unmarried, with no kids. This was said in response to talk about wedding talk with some other women from my church. I jokingly blew her comment off but inside I was seething. "How dare she say something like that to me?! She has no right to make that kind of judgment towards me!" I was livid. Then, the more I thought about it, the more it crushed me. I started to see all the couples around me planning weddings and babies and started yelling at God, asking when it was finally going to be my turn. It didn't matter that I didn't feel ready to be married yet. Clearly I was missing something because that's all people kept telling me.
Fast forward to the past several weeks. I've had conversations with friends who have asked me if I feel like I'm missing out on something because my sister is younger than me, has kids, and is buying a house. I look at them and tell them I'm perfectly content that she is the one with the children because I can spoil them rotten and I love being an aunt. Quite honestly, the one thing she has that I want the most is that she's out on her own. It takes a lot for me to admit that I'm 28 and I still live at home, especially because SO many of my high school and college friends are all living on their own. I can't afford to move out on my salary, especially with having to pay back student loans. I recently had dinner with a college friend I haven't seen in a couple of years and she asked me where I was living and when I told her at home, she asked me "How is that?" I had to think about it for a minute and honestly, it's not bad. I'm usually so busy that I'm home long enough to eat, sleep, and change my clothes. However, there's this stigma attached to being the age that I am and still being at home. It's almost shameful to admit that at 28, you still live with mommy and daddy, as if you've failed and can't make it on your own.
Then there's the issue of love. I have a separate blog planned for my thoughts on love, marriage, and relationships versus friendships (especially tied in with my favorite movie) so for this post I'll suffice it to say that being single at 28 was not part of my plan. At 28, I was hopeful that I would be married and pregnant with my first (maybe second) child. Clearly that is NOT what God has in the works for me, at least not yet. I have a medical condition that makes me unsure if I can even have children, but that doesn't mean my heart doesn't yearn for a family of my own. I've gotten to a point lately where I tell people that I don't know if I want kids of my own but let me share a secret with you...I do...very much so. I came to this realization at the end of naptime the other day when I opened the curtains in my classroom to see our kindergarten assistant on the playground having a conversation with a couple of the little girls. Watching him with the kids made me remember how much I desire a man who loves children and wants a family of his own someday.
I love the story in Genesis where God fulfills His promise to Abraham and Sarah and finally blesses them with a child of their own. It gives me so much hope that if God places a desire in your life, He will fulfill that desire, but in His timing. Abraham and Sarah waited for a child for a very long time. In fact, Abraham was 100 years old when his son was finally born! If God can fulfill Abraham and Sarah's dreams at that age, I'm pretty sure me being 28 without children is NOT that big of a deal.
The one verse that gives me the most comfort is my favorite. Psalm 37:4 says "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." This is by far my all time favorite verse. The more I pray about it, and the more I live it out in my daily life, the more I find it to be true. My desires may not be God's desires for my life, and the more I turn over the keys to my life to Him, the more His desires became prevalent and prove to be far greater than anything I have ever planned for my life.
I feel as if the last year and a half especially have been teaching me contentment in every aspect of my life. I have my days where I want to take control and yell and scream and ask God when it's going to be my turn to have the things I have always wanted most: a career, a husband, and kids but then He shows me the amazing things I have in my life right now and reminds me that His plan is better than mine. I have to learn to be content in where I currently am before I can move on to the future. I, for one, can't wait to see what He has planned for me.
As a 28 year old single female, I'd like to think I have my life figured out by now. Funny enough, I don't. Not even close. There are some days where I wake up and all I want to do is pull the blankets back up over my head instead of facing the obstacles I know God has planned for me for the day. Does that ever happen? Well, sometimes on a Saturday it does. I'll admit I slept until almost 3 yesterday afternoon simply because I could. And I needed it fighting off a cold.
When I look at where my life is at this present moment, it's definitely not where I planned it to be. Am I content with where I am? Well, the jury is still out on that one. Some days the answer is yes. Other days the answer is no. It all comes down to whatever has gone on that day and the mood I may be in. I am slowly learning what contentment looks like and trusting that the plans God has for my life are far better than any plan I ever had.
Back in high school, I had my life all planned out. I was going to go to college, graduate, start my career, get married, and start a family...all before I was 30. Well, I'm about a year and a half out from being 30 and so far the only things checked off of that list are going to college and graduating. I'm in a job that doesn't necessarily require a degree, I'm single, and I definitely don't have a family of my own. I'm the proud aunt of four amazing kids and another on the way, but I don't have kids of my own just yet.
Sometimes, I look at my life and wonder what I'm missing. I love my job, even if it's not my dream job. I love being a youth sponsor and a mentor. I love my small group. I love my family and friends. Every day is full of something different and most nights I go to bed exhausted. However, I wonder how often I use my busy schedule to keep myself from letting the loneliness inside of me come to the surface. About six months ago, I was having a conversation with an older lady from my church who asked me if I could sense my biological clock ticking since I'm so close to 30, unmarried, with no kids. This was said in response to talk about wedding talk with some other women from my church. I jokingly blew her comment off but inside I was seething. "How dare she say something like that to me?! She has no right to make that kind of judgment towards me!" I was livid. Then, the more I thought about it, the more it crushed me. I started to see all the couples around me planning weddings and babies and started yelling at God, asking when it was finally going to be my turn. It didn't matter that I didn't feel ready to be married yet. Clearly I was missing something because that's all people kept telling me.
Fast forward to the past several weeks. I've had conversations with friends who have asked me if I feel like I'm missing out on something because my sister is younger than me, has kids, and is buying a house. I look at them and tell them I'm perfectly content that she is the one with the children because I can spoil them rotten and I love being an aunt. Quite honestly, the one thing she has that I want the most is that she's out on her own. It takes a lot for me to admit that I'm 28 and I still live at home, especially because SO many of my high school and college friends are all living on their own. I can't afford to move out on my salary, especially with having to pay back student loans. I recently had dinner with a college friend I haven't seen in a couple of years and she asked me where I was living and when I told her at home, she asked me "How is that?" I had to think about it for a minute and honestly, it's not bad. I'm usually so busy that I'm home long enough to eat, sleep, and change my clothes. However, there's this stigma attached to being the age that I am and still being at home. It's almost shameful to admit that at 28, you still live with mommy and daddy, as if you've failed and can't make it on your own.
Then there's the issue of love. I have a separate blog planned for my thoughts on love, marriage, and relationships versus friendships (especially tied in with my favorite movie) so for this post I'll suffice it to say that being single at 28 was not part of my plan. At 28, I was hopeful that I would be married and pregnant with my first (maybe second) child. Clearly that is NOT what God has in the works for me, at least not yet. I have a medical condition that makes me unsure if I can even have children, but that doesn't mean my heart doesn't yearn for a family of my own. I've gotten to a point lately where I tell people that I don't know if I want kids of my own but let me share a secret with you...I do...very much so. I came to this realization at the end of naptime the other day when I opened the curtains in my classroom to see our kindergarten assistant on the playground having a conversation with a couple of the little girls. Watching him with the kids made me remember how much I desire a man who loves children and wants a family of his own someday.
I love the story in Genesis where God fulfills His promise to Abraham and Sarah and finally blesses them with a child of their own. It gives me so much hope that if God places a desire in your life, He will fulfill that desire, but in His timing. Abraham and Sarah waited for a child for a very long time. In fact, Abraham was 100 years old when his son was finally born! If God can fulfill Abraham and Sarah's dreams at that age, I'm pretty sure me being 28 without children is NOT that big of a deal.
The one verse that gives me the most comfort is my favorite. Psalm 37:4 says "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." This is by far my all time favorite verse. The more I pray about it, and the more I live it out in my daily life, the more I find it to be true. My desires may not be God's desires for my life, and the more I turn over the keys to my life to Him, the more His desires became prevalent and prove to be far greater than anything I have ever planned for my life.
I feel as if the last year and a half especially have been teaching me contentment in every aspect of my life. I have my days where I want to take control and yell and scream and ask God when it's going to be my turn to have the things I have always wanted most: a career, a husband, and kids but then He shows me the amazing things I have in my life right now and reminds me that His plan is better than mine. I have to learn to be content in where I currently am before I can move on to the future. I, for one, can't wait to see what He has planned for me.
Saturday, April 20, 2013
The one on body image
I've been playing around with various blog topics for the last several nights but decided to start with this one after an impromptu shopping trip tonight. (No worries though because I have several started on paper that I'll get around to sharing in the next few days.)
My best friend and I decided to go for ice cream tonight and then afterwards, we popped into a clothing store, one of my favorites but that I don't shop at very often because it's on the more expensive side. I was there to share feedback on what she was trying on and ended up picking up several tank tops and a dress to try on. Then, I came across this beauty.
I'm not one to go for these type of dresses because I typically think they look better on the hanger than on me. That had been the case with both tank tops and the first dress I tried on. Imagine my surprise when this dress fit just right, as if it had been designed just for me! I kept staring at myself in the mirror, having the hardest time comprehending the image that stared back at me.
I have always struggled with my self-esteem and my body. Growing up with a father who was verbally abusive made it impossible for me to believe that I was beautiful. There wasn't a day that went by that he didn't tell me that I wasn't good enough, that no one would ever love me or want to marry me because I wasn't beautiful enough. During my teen years, especially when we first moved to Cincinnati, I struggled with never feeling like I measured up. All of the girls around me at school (at least in my mind) looked like they had just stepped off of a movie set. They were skinny, beautiful, and popular-all the things I knew I would never be. It wasn't until I met one of my best friends and she invited me to church that I was able to start breaking myself of these thoughts. Giving my life to Christ taught me that my self-worth wasn't about the outer appearance, but was about my inner beauty.
As I've grown in my faith over the last 11 years, I've learned that until I learn to love myself, no one will ever be able to fully love me. I am the one who jeopardizes every friendship and relationship because in my mind, I will never measure up. I had my first serious relationship almost two years ago and it was the first time that I ever felt beautiful and worthy. Here was someone who genuinely cared about me for me and didn't make me feel as if I had to change to capture his attention. After we broke up, some of my friends gently reminded me that even though our relationship didn't last, it taught me that there are people who genuinely see me for me and who think I'm beautiful just the way I am, not the way society expects me to be.
I've spent the last year and a half growing steadily in my faith and what I read in the Bible astounds me. I am created in God's image. That means that every time I get down on myself and how I look, I am criticizing and denouncing God for who He created me to be. He thinks I am beautiful and perfect. He knitted me inside my mother's womb and knows the very number of hairs on my head. There isn't a part of me that He does not love. If that's the case, then who am I to be so hard on myself?
Self-worth comes from accepting who you are, both inside and out. It means loving every part of yourself just as God loves you. One of my favorite quotes is "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." It's up to you to decide your self-worth and where it comes from. Society, friends, family, coworkers, etc. are NOT the people who decide what makes you beautiful. Your beauty comes from within and with it, comes your self-worth. God created YOU in HIS image and He thinks you are beautiful and perfect just the way you are. Who are you to argue with that fact?
Friday, March 22, 2013
Am I crazy?
I haven't decided if I'm crazy yet or not, but I'm entertaining the idea of going back to school and finishing up the hours needed to obtain my clinical mental health counseling license, only doing it with a Christian emphasis and becoming a Christian counselor.
I've always had the idea of being a Christian counselor and counseling couples in the church but opted for school counseling because I didn't want to take all of the classes geared towards making a diagnosis, etc etc that UC offered. Then, one night last week, I had dinner with one of my college girlfriends who asked me if I had ever thought about being a Christian counselor. On top of that, I spent yesterday at Cincinnati Christian University for a youth ministry summit and saw a slide about their counseling program and the idea has just been stuck in my head for the last 24 hours (minus the several hours I spent getting sick since I came down with a stomach bug...ugh!).
I spent this afternoon looking throught their graduate catalog and they have an amazing program set up for graduate students that allows you to make your tuition payments on a sliding payment scale, along with offering scholarships and your typical financial aid. It's too late to apply for the fall program but I am thinking about applying for next spring. Plus, since I already have a master's in counseling (though school based), I already have 10 classes that should count toward the mental health license, which is roughly 30 of the 70 hours needed towards graduation. Definitely a perk!
What do you all think? Am I crazy? I told myself after finishing at UC that I was never going back to school but with education jobs being few and far between, I feel like I have a better shot at a job if I have a mental health license as well. I feel like this could make me more marketable and eventually get me away from the preschool.
I don't know. This could just be another one of my crazy ideas. I definitely don't want to take out anymore student loans (the ridiculous amount I have right now is enough!) so this is something I'm going to have to be able to pay for and potentially get scholarships to cover. At least I have awhile before I'd even have to think about applying...
I've always had the idea of being a Christian counselor and counseling couples in the church but opted for school counseling because I didn't want to take all of the classes geared towards making a diagnosis, etc etc that UC offered. Then, one night last week, I had dinner with one of my college girlfriends who asked me if I had ever thought about being a Christian counselor. On top of that, I spent yesterday at Cincinnati Christian University for a youth ministry summit and saw a slide about their counseling program and the idea has just been stuck in my head for the last 24 hours (minus the several hours I spent getting sick since I came down with a stomach bug...ugh!).
I spent this afternoon looking throught their graduate catalog and they have an amazing program set up for graduate students that allows you to make your tuition payments on a sliding payment scale, along with offering scholarships and your typical financial aid. It's too late to apply for the fall program but I am thinking about applying for next spring. Plus, since I already have a master's in counseling (though school based), I already have 10 classes that should count toward the mental health license, which is roughly 30 of the 70 hours needed towards graduation. Definitely a perk!
What do you all think? Am I crazy? I told myself after finishing at UC that I was never going back to school but with education jobs being few and far between, I feel like I have a better shot at a job if I have a mental health license as well. I feel like this could make me more marketable and eventually get me away from the preschool.
I don't know. This could just be another one of my crazy ideas. I definitely don't want to take out anymore student loans (the ridiculous amount I have right now is enough!) so this is something I'm going to have to be able to pay for and potentially get scholarships to cover. At least I have awhile before I'd even have to think about applying...
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Excited....!!!
MY SISTER AND I ARE GOING TO THE NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK, 98 DEGREES, AND BOYS II MEN CONCERT IN JUNE!!!
This will now make all of my childhood bands complete except for NSync who still isn't reuniting because I have already seen NKOTB once and I've also seen Backstreet Boys live! AHHHHH!!! Let the countdown begin!!!!
You may continue on with your lives now that I've shared my exciting news! :-P
This will now make all of my childhood bands complete except for NSync who still isn't reuniting because I have already seen NKOTB once and I've also seen Backstreet Boys live! AHHHHH!!! Let the countdown begin!!!!
You may continue on with your lives now that I've shared my exciting news! :-P
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