My desk is a mess, much like my heart is. My calendar is full, showing how busy life has been keeping me these past several months. But it is here, in the midst of the busyness and mess that God is pruning me and teaching me what it means to kneel at the Cross.
The last time I sat down with an empty page on my blog was over a year ago. In that moment, I was so excited about all the changes that were happening in my life. God was bringing me into a new season, a season I very much fought against initially. That season in my life lasted close to a year, full of one change after the next. I grew as a person, as a leader, and most of all, as a follower of Christ. I sit here, over a year later, thankful for what I saw God do in those months as a I struggled to stay above water and I struggled to learn how to lead an amazing group of women that He blessed me with. I am thankful for the group of women He has given me on Saturday mornings that I can wrestle through the messy parts of my life with and know that at the end of the day, they still love me despite the mess.
Over the course of the past year, I learned how to be a leader. I learned how to make myself vulnerable to a group of strangers so that they could grow and get to know Jesus on a deeper level. One of these women became my roommate, someone I am so incredibly thankful for on a daily basis. I don't tell her enough, but I appreciate her so much for listening to me when I know she has to be sick of my stories, for seeing me cry, for knowing when to be silent, but also knowing when I need her to lovingly speak the truth into my life, no matter how much it hurts. She pushes me outside of my comfort zone on a regular basis and watching her grow has pushed me to chase after Jesus in a way I never knew I could do before.
Over the course of the last year, I learned how to make myself vulnerable financially. Back in the fall, Crossroads began the I'm In Campaign. For nights I went over and over my budget, looking for all the ways I could scale back so I could lovingly give to this church that I love to call home. As I did that, I learned what it means to lay your finances out on the line and to allow people you are close to speak truth into them. I am thankful every day for one of my married couple friends who sat down with me and have taken numerous nights out of their busy schedules to make sure I am financially secure.
Over the course of the last year, I learned how to step out of the boat and take a chance. Back in the fall I was offered a job at an organization that is now so near and dear to my heart. I heard God calling me to seek out a change and I am so glad that I did. Not only do I love getting up and going to work daily, but I love that I work with two of my closest friends. I love that I can come to work and be honest about when I am struggling and to know that they love me anyway. I am thankful that my job allows for the flexibility of family and the things that come with being in a family. I love that I can (for the most part) make my own hours and work around the different things that unexpectedly pop up in my life. I am thankful that these two amazing women who are now not only my friends, but my coworkers, took a chance on me and are teaching me to be confident in my job. They push me when I need it but through them, I have learned to fly on my own and love what I do.
In all the good moments, it is easy to think that you are on top of a mountain. It's easy to stay in that contented zone of things being good and thinking how blessed you are because of how God has provided. But it's in that moment, that very moment when we get comfortable, that God tells us "Not so fast. I'm not done with you yet," and presents us with moments for growth. I am in that season right now. Things have been so good and yet, there is still one area of my life that I have never given God full access to and that area is my childhood and the pain that went along with it. Things have happened over the past several months that have led to the pain of those wounds being reopened and instead of pushing that pain away and forgetting about it, I am learning how to deal with it. I am learning what it means to lay my burdens at the Cross on a daily basis and allowing Jesus to take care of the things I can't tackle on my own.
I sit here, surrounded by my to-do list, my calendar, and the many amazing people in my life and yet...I feel very much alone. I know for me that it is my way of coping and I am glad that I am not allowing myself to wallow in that aloneness. I am reaching out and seeking out people who are holding me accountable and pushing me to work towards forgiveness to a person I never wanted to give forgiveness to. I was so sure that people were sick of hearing about my "drama" and seeing me cry, but they are proving me wrong. This core group of people I surround myself with love me DESPITE the mess of my heart and are pushing me to seek Jesus in these moments that I want to wallow in the pain.
Does it make it hurt any less? No, definitely not. There is still pain and tears and brokenness but from that comes beauty. God is going to redeem my heart in a way that only He can. There isn't a single person on this earth that can offer me redemption and freedom. Those come only from seeking after Jesus and allowing Him to make a change in my heart. I want that freedom. I want it so badly that I can taste it but there is also fear in wanting that freedom. There is fear in the unknown. But I know, at the end of the day, no matter what happens, I have Jesus and that makes every fear and every unknown worth it.
Tuesday, April 19, 2016
Friday, March 13, 2015
Walking in obedience
For the past several weeks, I have been blown away time and time again by how faithful God is as I continue to walk in obedience and follow the path He is setting out before me. A few weeks ago, I blogged about how I was give an opportunity that I never thought I wanted, one that I found myself praying over. Well, since then, I very distinctly had friends speak truth into my life that only confirmed what I knew God was calling me to do.
When I first started at Crossroads and got involved at crux, I repeatedly told my friends that I was in a season of my life where I was only meant to receive. I had spent the past five years serving and pouring into others and I thought for sure this was going to be my season of rest and receiving to build back up where I felt I was struggling. Well, it wasn't but a few months of being involved with crux before my friend Laura reached out to me and asked me to facilitate a small group of girls within our pod. We were growing exponentially and we were becoming too big to stay together and really be able to dig into what we were learning at crux. I very hesitantly agreed and found out that facilitating came naturally to me. I enjoyed the small group of girls I got to do life with each week and loved that we checked in with each other over the course of the week and were praying for each other outside of crux. I remember telling Laura that even though I was facilitating, I most definitely did NOT feel called to be a pod leader. I was comfortable where I was and I was finally starting to form relationships with the people I had spent months running from. Surely God wouldn't ask me to give that up...would He?
Well, imagine my surprise when Laura and Josh approached me in February and told me that they thought I was ready to be a pod leader. I had to have had the most dumbfounded look on my face because I knew there was NO way that was ever going to happen! They told me to think about it and pray about it and to see where God took it. I immediately (and I mean not even 24 hours went by) sought out three very close friends that I go to for spiritual advice and asked them what they thought and all three were in agreement that they thought this was a good move for me. They had seen what God was doing in my life through crux and Crossroads and they thought I was ready for something more.
I spent another two weeks praying about it before I found myself spilling everything out to Megan via text messaging one afternoon while sitting in the middle of a Panera praying and listening to worship music. It's funny how God uses people and brings them back into your life at a moment when you need them most. Megan and I have been friends FOREVER and even when we go months without talking, somehow God puts us back together when we need each other the most. I found myself telling her all about how I was wrestling with God over being a leader and how I was unsure I was qualified to do it and kept coming up with one dumb reason after another for why it wouldn't work. She told me to take the song Oceans by Hillsong and to use that song as a prayer. She knew I was headed to meet with someone in leadership that night and knew that song would give me the answers I would need, which is funny because that's one of the first songs that played during a Saturday night service when I first started at Crossroads last spring and it quickly became my anthem. All I wanted was for God to lead me deeper than my own feet could take me and that's exactly how this past year has played out.
The night I said yes to being a pod leader, we were doing a worship and community night at crux and Oceans just happened to come on over the loudspeaker as we were moving to our first rotation. As soon as that song started, I felt a peace that could have only come from God. I immediately pulled out my phone and text Megan, who of course told me I was having a God moment! As we moved from one rotation to the next, Laura commented to me that she thought I looked peaceful and I realized in that moment that I was. I knew by saying yes to being a pod leader and stretching out of my comfort zone, that I was walking in obedience and doing what God was asking me to do.
Over the past two weeks, I've had moments where I know I'm exactly where God wants me to be. It's still weird to me to not be with the group that I spent the past year developing relationships and growing with, but I know I'm where I'm supposed to be. I thought for sure no one could love me the way the girls from my old pod did, but last night, the girls in my new pod, the ones I'm supposed to be leading, made me cry and loved on me in a way I never expected. We were talking about repentance and the things we were struggling with and I found myself getting antsy, knowing I was feeling nudged by the Holy Spirit to be vulnerable and share something very personal with them. As I found myself spilling out this moment of intensity, I was inwardly kicking myself for opening up so quickly. Imagine my surprise when these amazing women immediately asked if they could lay hands on me and pray over me.
As I sat there with my head bowed, all I could do was sniffle back tears at how good and how faithful the Lord is. I wanted this to be a year where I was stretched out of my comfort zone and it certainly has already been that way. I tried to put my own timeline on God's plans and He very gently turned that timeline around to what He wanted. I am so excited to do life with these incredible ladies (well and the guys too...but especially the girls!) and I know God has big plans for our pod for this year.
I am especially thankful for the friends who aren't afraid to speak truth and love into my life and know me better than I know myself. They make me strive to be a better person and to run after the Lord wholeheartedly. It's a blessing to have people I can chase Jesus with and to know that they love me and will have my back when I need them the most. Walking in obedience isn't always easy, but the rewards are oh so sweet.
Saturday, February 7, 2015
Fear and restoration
During my cruise back over New Year's, I spent a lot of time alone, staring out over the ocean, and praying about whatever came to mind. A lot of times, my prayers were focused on a specific area of my life, something I have been praying about for YEARS. In those moments, all I heard was silence. All I continue to hear is silence. I know God isn't ready for me to have an answer about that area of my life so I can continue to be patient.
However, in these moments, I also prayed for ways to be stretched and thrown outside of my comfort zone in 2015. I thought part of stepping outside of my comfort zone was going to be going on a Go trip with Crossroads until there were too many conflicts with the dates that kept me from being able to sign up. I wasn't sure where God would lead me to stretch my faith this year so in my quiet times, I continued praying for ways to step outside of my comfort zone.
I have been battling some major anxieties and insecurities since the fall when I finally gave up my battle of running and realized that God wanted me at Crossroads. I got plugged into my pod and started facilitating a small group of women who I love so much. It is such an encouragement to spend Thursday evenings with them, breaking down the message of what we're taught at Crux and pushing each other to set goals for the week. We check in with each other during the week and know that we're praying for each other even when we're apart. On top of facilitating on Thursdays, I've been leading a ladies Bible study where we've been working through the book of John. There's nothing like stepping up as a leader that brings all of your fears and insecurities to the surface. I even told my friend Laura when I agreed to facilitate that while I was okay doing so in our pod, I had no desire to become a pod leader because I just didn't think I had what it takes to lead a huge group of people.
You would think by now that I would learn that when I tell God what I'm NOT going to do, He'll turn right around and tell me what I AM going to do. This week at Crux I was given an opportunity that I never thought I wanted. It left my mind flustered and all of my insecurities immediately came to the surface. By the time our small group time wound up on Thursday night, all I wanted to do was cry. How could God be asking me to walk away from the place that has finally become comfortable? How could He be asking me to start all over again?
I've spent the last 48 hours thinking and praying through this and seeking the guidance of people who know me better than I know myself. In the midst of my quiet prayer time, all I could hear in my mind was "I can't do this. I'm too afraid. I don't want to start all over again." I feel as if I spend my whole life in fear. The only time my fear doesn't seem to get the best of me is when I travel. My stepdad likes to joke with me that I won't do many things, but yet I'll run off to a foreign country no question asked...and it's true. Yet in my day to day life, I quiver inside with fear at the prospect of change and doing new things.
It's part of what kept from even looking for school counseling jobs last year. It's what keeps me from really stepping up and being a leader. It's why I don't push myself to be the best at something. In the back of my mind, I always think that there's someone who is way more qualified than I ever could be. I tell myself that I'm not knowledgeable enough, not smart enough, etc, etc. There's always a reason for me to NOT do something so I don't.
I know that I'm not supposed to be afraid. I also know that God doesn't call the qualified. He qualifies the called. But yet, here I sit, with my mind in 500 million places, thinking to myself that this is what I get for praying for growth. My friends Brian and Kate both told me that they think I could rock being a leader. It's funny how I went to both of them for advice and both of them used that same exact phrase. I am so thankful for them, for the fact that they encouraged me, listened to me talk out all of my fears, and then told me exactly what I needed to hear. They weren't afraid to call me on my insecurities and my doubts and both are pushing me towards this road.
I'm so tired of living my life in fear. During my vacation, as I spent time praying over my words for the year, I could hear God whispering "Restore. Healing. Whole." I know that He can heal me of this fear and these insecurities that I allow to get the best of me. I know that I need to trust Him and dig into the Word every time I start to struggle. He doesn't want me to be afraid. He wants me to run after Him with reckless abandon, trusting that He would never take me down a road where He hasn't already gone. To be able to do that, I know that I need to let down my walls and barriers that allow this fear to take over. I need to surround myself with truth and light and let those speak into my life to overshadow the fear when it creeps in.
I want to live. I want my life to reflect His goodness and His truth. I don't want to be the one cowering in a corner as life passes me by. I want to be right in the middle of it, dancing in the rain and enjoying every moment of sunshine that crosses my path.
2015. The year of healing, wholeness, and restoration.
However, in these moments, I also prayed for ways to be stretched and thrown outside of my comfort zone in 2015. I thought part of stepping outside of my comfort zone was going to be going on a Go trip with Crossroads until there were too many conflicts with the dates that kept me from being able to sign up. I wasn't sure where God would lead me to stretch my faith this year so in my quiet times, I continued praying for ways to step outside of my comfort zone.
I have been battling some major anxieties and insecurities since the fall when I finally gave up my battle of running and realized that God wanted me at Crossroads. I got plugged into my pod and started facilitating a small group of women who I love so much. It is such an encouragement to spend Thursday evenings with them, breaking down the message of what we're taught at Crux and pushing each other to set goals for the week. We check in with each other during the week and know that we're praying for each other even when we're apart. On top of facilitating on Thursdays, I've been leading a ladies Bible study where we've been working through the book of John. There's nothing like stepping up as a leader that brings all of your fears and insecurities to the surface. I even told my friend Laura when I agreed to facilitate that while I was okay doing so in our pod, I had no desire to become a pod leader because I just didn't think I had what it takes to lead a huge group of people.
You would think by now that I would learn that when I tell God what I'm NOT going to do, He'll turn right around and tell me what I AM going to do. This week at Crux I was given an opportunity that I never thought I wanted. It left my mind flustered and all of my insecurities immediately came to the surface. By the time our small group time wound up on Thursday night, all I wanted to do was cry. How could God be asking me to walk away from the place that has finally become comfortable? How could He be asking me to start all over again?
I've spent the last 48 hours thinking and praying through this and seeking the guidance of people who know me better than I know myself. In the midst of my quiet prayer time, all I could hear in my mind was "I can't do this. I'm too afraid. I don't want to start all over again." I feel as if I spend my whole life in fear. The only time my fear doesn't seem to get the best of me is when I travel. My stepdad likes to joke with me that I won't do many things, but yet I'll run off to a foreign country no question asked...and it's true. Yet in my day to day life, I quiver inside with fear at the prospect of change and doing new things.
It's part of what kept from even looking for school counseling jobs last year. It's what keeps me from really stepping up and being a leader. It's why I don't push myself to be the best at something. In the back of my mind, I always think that there's someone who is way more qualified than I ever could be. I tell myself that I'm not knowledgeable enough, not smart enough, etc, etc. There's always a reason for me to NOT do something so I don't.
I know that I'm not supposed to be afraid. I also know that God doesn't call the qualified. He qualifies the called. But yet, here I sit, with my mind in 500 million places, thinking to myself that this is what I get for praying for growth. My friends Brian and Kate both told me that they think I could rock being a leader. It's funny how I went to both of them for advice and both of them used that same exact phrase. I am so thankful for them, for the fact that they encouraged me, listened to me talk out all of my fears, and then told me exactly what I needed to hear. They weren't afraid to call me on my insecurities and my doubts and both are pushing me towards this road.
I'm so tired of living my life in fear. During my vacation, as I spent time praying over my words for the year, I could hear God whispering "Restore. Healing. Whole." I know that He can heal me of this fear and these insecurities that I allow to get the best of me. I know that I need to trust Him and dig into the Word every time I start to struggle. He doesn't want me to be afraid. He wants me to run after Him with reckless abandon, trusting that He would never take me down a road where He hasn't already gone. To be able to do that, I know that I need to let down my walls and barriers that allow this fear to take over. I need to surround myself with truth and light and let those speak into my life to overshadow the fear when it creeps in.
I want to live. I want my life to reflect His goodness and His truth. I don't want to be the one cowering in a corner as life passes me by. I want to be right in the middle of it, dancing in the rain and enjoying every moment of sunshine that crosses my path.
2015. The year of healing, wholeness, and restoration.
Sunday, December 21, 2014
Being made whole
Seven years ago, I was given a diagnosis that I thought was the end of my life as I knew it. I never thought I would be where I am right now, trusting God to make me whole and letting Him use this diagnosis to make me chase after Him with reckless abandon.
I never expected when I made the switch to Crossroads for my life to be turned upside down. I never expected to see prayers I had been praying for over 10 years start to be answered. I don't know what I expected, but it certainly hasn't been all the incredible things I've seen in the past seven and a half months. It amazes me that even as I tried SO hard to run away my first couple of months at Crossroads that God continued to pursue me relentlessly.
During the Christmas season, I typically struggle with loneliness and trusting that God's plans for my life are far greater than my own. I could be sitting in a room full of people and still feel like I'm by myself. I tend to shut people out and keep everything bottled up inside of me. I look at the people around me, my friends who are happily married with kids, friends who are dating, and even strangers who are sitting in church or walking through a store holding hands and question when it's going to be my turn. I get caught up in the fact that with each year, I am still single and still childless. I struggle with being in a job that I know isn't my passion (though I do love it) and question where it is that I'm supposed to be. Lately, as my health issues have resurfaced, I question that God will ever bring along anyone who could love me despite the fact that I don't know if I can have a family of my own.
Then, about three weeks ago, I sat in a Saturday night service at Crossroads and listened to Chuck Mingo talk about light overcoming the darkness. He talked about the environment that Jesus was born into and how even though the songs talk about it being a "silent night" in a "little town of Bethlehem," it really was a culture where oppression and darkness ran rampant. For YEARS, people waited for this King, this child who would become their Savior. It was only after Jesus was born that light overcame the darkness.
At the end of his message, Chuck had the lights in the auditorium turned out and asked us to think about the darkness that we focus on in our own lives, the things that consume us and keep us from seeing the light of Christ in us and around us. He told us to think about what we make this season out to be, whether we were preoccupied with being single, with not being able to give enough gifts, and then he very specifically asked us where we were finding our fulfillment at. I sat in that dark auditorium and all I could think about was how I was caught up in my health issues and the fact that I was still single instead of looking at all the incredible things I've seen God do throughout the past 12 years of me following Him.
As I sat in that dark auditorium, I bowed my head and I let the tears fall. I told God I wanted Him to make me whole, that I trusted that His plans are far greater than my own. I know He has a purpose for this diagnosis and I want Him to make me whole according to His plan. His idea of being made whole and mine could be two completely different things. If He wants me to have a family and children, He will make it happen in His way and His timing. My job right now is to let Him work His plans into my life.
Since being at Crossroads, God is knocking down all the walls that I had erected to keep people out. He has brought me into a community of people my age, people who love me and accept me for who I am. He has given me an incredible group of women who hold me accountable and push me to chase after Jesus in a way that I could never have done at my old church. I've been taught and shown the meaning of vulnerability and love over and over and over again by these incredible people in my life. I'm learning that I can't grow and seek Jesus if I don't allow people to get close to me. I have to let people in and let them knock down the walls I've put up if I truly want to follow the Lord the way I know I'm called to do.
I walk into Crossroads and in the midst of worship, I find myself with the biggest smile on my face. It has become such a joy to worship this King who loves me SO much that He died for me. I can't take notes fast enough throughout the message and I can't say enough good things about the things happening in me and in our Crossroads community. My sister and the kids are actively attending church with me, something I have spent over 10 years praying for. God is doing incredible things throughout the five campuses of Crossroads and it is such a blessing to be part of such an amazing community of people who want to further the Kingdom.
I want to be made whole in only a way that Jesus can make me whole. I want to further the Kingdom and spread the love of Christ just like we have been commissioned to do. I want 2015 to be the year that I run after Jesus with reckless abandon, trusting that His plans will always be greater than my own.
I never expected when I made the switch to Crossroads for my life to be turned upside down. I never expected to see prayers I had been praying for over 10 years start to be answered. I don't know what I expected, but it certainly hasn't been all the incredible things I've seen in the past seven and a half months. It amazes me that even as I tried SO hard to run away my first couple of months at Crossroads that God continued to pursue me relentlessly.
During the Christmas season, I typically struggle with loneliness and trusting that God's plans for my life are far greater than my own. I could be sitting in a room full of people and still feel like I'm by myself. I tend to shut people out and keep everything bottled up inside of me. I look at the people around me, my friends who are happily married with kids, friends who are dating, and even strangers who are sitting in church or walking through a store holding hands and question when it's going to be my turn. I get caught up in the fact that with each year, I am still single and still childless. I struggle with being in a job that I know isn't my passion (though I do love it) and question where it is that I'm supposed to be. Lately, as my health issues have resurfaced, I question that God will ever bring along anyone who could love me despite the fact that I don't know if I can have a family of my own.
Then, about three weeks ago, I sat in a Saturday night service at Crossroads and listened to Chuck Mingo talk about light overcoming the darkness. He talked about the environment that Jesus was born into and how even though the songs talk about it being a "silent night" in a "little town of Bethlehem," it really was a culture where oppression and darkness ran rampant. For YEARS, people waited for this King, this child who would become their Savior. It was only after Jesus was born that light overcame the darkness.
At the end of his message, Chuck had the lights in the auditorium turned out and asked us to think about the darkness that we focus on in our own lives, the things that consume us and keep us from seeing the light of Christ in us and around us. He told us to think about what we make this season out to be, whether we were preoccupied with being single, with not being able to give enough gifts, and then he very specifically asked us where we were finding our fulfillment at. I sat in that dark auditorium and all I could think about was how I was caught up in my health issues and the fact that I was still single instead of looking at all the incredible things I've seen God do throughout the past 12 years of me following Him.
As I sat in that dark auditorium, I bowed my head and I let the tears fall. I told God I wanted Him to make me whole, that I trusted that His plans are far greater than my own. I know He has a purpose for this diagnosis and I want Him to make me whole according to His plan. His idea of being made whole and mine could be two completely different things. If He wants me to have a family and children, He will make it happen in His way and His timing. My job right now is to let Him work His plans into my life.
Since being at Crossroads, God is knocking down all the walls that I had erected to keep people out. He has brought me into a community of people my age, people who love me and accept me for who I am. He has given me an incredible group of women who hold me accountable and push me to chase after Jesus in a way that I could never have done at my old church. I've been taught and shown the meaning of vulnerability and love over and over and over again by these incredible people in my life. I'm learning that I can't grow and seek Jesus if I don't allow people to get close to me. I have to let people in and let them knock down the walls I've put up if I truly want to follow the Lord the way I know I'm called to do.
I walk into Crossroads and in the midst of worship, I find myself with the biggest smile on my face. It has become such a joy to worship this King who loves me SO much that He died for me. I can't take notes fast enough throughout the message and I can't say enough good things about the things happening in me and in our Crossroads community. My sister and the kids are actively attending church with me, something I have spent over 10 years praying for. God is doing incredible things throughout the five campuses of Crossroads and it is such a blessing to be part of such an amazing community of people who want to further the Kingdom.
I want to be made whole in only a way that Jesus can make me whole. I want to further the Kingdom and spread the love of Christ just like we have been commissioned to do. I want 2015 to be the year that I run after Jesus with reckless abandon, trusting that His plans will always be greater than my own.
Friday, September 26, 2014
Living my faith out loud
As I write this, I am sitting in the middle of Panera trying to kill some time before a late babysitting job (after an already long week!). I've been wanting to write this for awhile now, but can never find the time or energy to sit down and do it, so I thought now as I sit here in reflective silence would the perfect time to do so.
Almost a year ago, one of my closest friends found himself in the midst of a major spiritual calling to step away from the church both of us had grown up in to follow God's leading him elsewhere. I one hundred percent supported him, knowing he was walking in obedience to what God wanted for his life but told myself (and him!) repeatedly that God would NEVER call me away from the only church environment that had made an impact on me. Imagine my surprise six months later when I began to feel God tugging on my heart to make a major change in my own life, one that meant leaving this church and church family I swore I would never walk away from.
My story starts all the way back in high school, when I first became a Christ follower and I began to allow my faith to impact the decisions I would make. I stumbled repeatedly for years as I struggled to understand what it truly meant to be a follower of Christ and what that looked like in my day to day life. Post college, I moved back home and threw myself into church activities. About a year after college, I found myself volunteering with the youth, something I quickly discovered I was good at. It was in those five and a half years that I truly found out what my faith meant to me and allowed God to be the one who directed my steps. I knew my job was to be an example to the youth kids, to help them grow and mature in their own faith, but for five years I grew right alongside them.
Don't get me wrong-I wasn't the perfect example. No one is perfect and I made plenty of mistakes and owned up to them. Those mistakes sharpened my faith and pushed me to be better. As my relationship with Jesus grew, so did my willingness to allow Him to lead my life. Six months after my close friend switched churches, I found myself hungry for more. I desired a community of believers my own age, people I could relate to and who were in the same life stage as me. For years it had been something I desired, but I never allowed myself to be open to the idea of going somewhere else until someone close to me showed me that it was okay to walk in obedience and that sometimes, God's plans are far greater than our own.
Back in April and May, I found myself asking a lot of difficult questions about my faith, about what the Bible had to say on those topics, and what God truly wanted for my life. I started attending Saturday night services with my friend at his new church and found myself full of questions and struggles as I walked out of those services, knowing that God was working on my heart. Around that same time, there were major leadership changes happening within my old church, making it the perfect time for me to step down from my youth volunteer position and to find out what else God potentially had in the cards for me. I would spend hours grilling my friend and then following it up with research online, followed by even more long conversations with my accountability partner.
In June, after much soul seeking, prayer, tears, and conversations with people I considered to be my spiritual mentors, I made the tough decision to switch churches and allow God to guide me where He wanted me to go. I ended up at Crossroads, a church MUCH bigger than the one I had been attending since high school. I was consistently attending Sunday services and checked out a community group of people my own age that is centered around the idea of what it means to follow Jesus and live a life of discipleship at the advice of the same friend who had convinced me to check out Crossroads. I loved Crux and I loved Crossroads but spent the summer living in fear, fear of making a mistake, fear of letting new people in, and fear that I wasn't where God intended for me to be. I even spent some time hopping between churches, which quickly wore me down spiritually and emotionally.
It wasn't until this past week when I attended a Last Wednesday service at Crossroads that I truly allowed my heart to open to the idea that this is where God wanted me to be. I knew I had been called away from my old church for a reason and that Crossroads and Crux had come into my life at the time I needed them most. I know it sounds crazy, but all of my fears and insecurities of starting over and letting new people in are gone. I am developing relationships with the people in my pod (my small group within my community group) and have even signed up for a weekend away at Lake Cumberland with them next weekend, knowing that an intimate setting outside of our small group time is just what I need to really begin to foster relationships.
It has been a tough few months, but I feel as if I am finally taking ownership of my own faith. I am hungry for the will of God and love making new discoveries of what He is asking of me. I am opening my heart and mind to possibilities and people that I never would have encountered had I never allowed God to lead me where He wanted me to be. My heart for missions and serving is going crazy right now praying over a big decision of doing a Go trip, which is Crossroads equivalent of a mission trip. Sign ups don't happen until January, but I'm fairly confident that at the end of next July, I'll be serving at Go NOLA to help with the ongoing recovery efforts from Hurricane Katrina. There are also future possibilities of going to South Africa and India in the next few years but for now I'm taking baby steps and taking each day one day at a time to see where God leads me.
It's been a long time coming, but the contentment I feel is incredible and I love the growth I am seeing in my own life. I can't wait to see what happens in the next few months as I continue to walk in obedience and faith. :)
Almost a year ago, one of my closest friends found himself in the midst of a major spiritual calling to step away from the church both of us had grown up in to follow God's leading him elsewhere. I one hundred percent supported him, knowing he was walking in obedience to what God wanted for his life but told myself (and him!) repeatedly that God would NEVER call me away from the only church environment that had made an impact on me. Imagine my surprise six months later when I began to feel God tugging on my heart to make a major change in my own life, one that meant leaving this church and church family I swore I would never walk away from.
My story starts all the way back in high school, when I first became a Christ follower and I began to allow my faith to impact the decisions I would make. I stumbled repeatedly for years as I struggled to understand what it truly meant to be a follower of Christ and what that looked like in my day to day life. Post college, I moved back home and threw myself into church activities. About a year after college, I found myself volunteering with the youth, something I quickly discovered I was good at. It was in those five and a half years that I truly found out what my faith meant to me and allowed God to be the one who directed my steps. I knew my job was to be an example to the youth kids, to help them grow and mature in their own faith, but for five years I grew right alongside them.
Don't get me wrong-I wasn't the perfect example. No one is perfect and I made plenty of mistakes and owned up to them. Those mistakes sharpened my faith and pushed me to be better. As my relationship with Jesus grew, so did my willingness to allow Him to lead my life. Six months after my close friend switched churches, I found myself hungry for more. I desired a community of believers my own age, people I could relate to and who were in the same life stage as me. For years it had been something I desired, but I never allowed myself to be open to the idea of going somewhere else until someone close to me showed me that it was okay to walk in obedience and that sometimes, God's plans are far greater than our own.
Back in April and May, I found myself asking a lot of difficult questions about my faith, about what the Bible had to say on those topics, and what God truly wanted for my life. I started attending Saturday night services with my friend at his new church and found myself full of questions and struggles as I walked out of those services, knowing that God was working on my heart. Around that same time, there were major leadership changes happening within my old church, making it the perfect time for me to step down from my youth volunteer position and to find out what else God potentially had in the cards for me. I would spend hours grilling my friend and then following it up with research online, followed by even more long conversations with my accountability partner.
In June, after much soul seeking, prayer, tears, and conversations with people I considered to be my spiritual mentors, I made the tough decision to switch churches and allow God to guide me where He wanted me to go. I ended up at Crossroads, a church MUCH bigger than the one I had been attending since high school. I was consistently attending Sunday services and checked out a community group of people my own age that is centered around the idea of what it means to follow Jesus and live a life of discipleship at the advice of the same friend who had convinced me to check out Crossroads. I loved Crux and I loved Crossroads but spent the summer living in fear, fear of making a mistake, fear of letting new people in, and fear that I wasn't where God intended for me to be. I even spent some time hopping between churches, which quickly wore me down spiritually and emotionally.
It wasn't until this past week when I attended a Last Wednesday service at Crossroads that I truly allowed my heart to open to the idea that this is where God wanted me to be. I knew I had been called away from my old church for a reason and that Crossroads and Crux had come into my life at the time I needed them most. I know it sounds crazy, but all of my fears and insecurities of starting over and letting new people in are gone. I am developing relationships with the people in my pod (my small group within my community group) and have even signed up for a weekend away at Lake Cumberland with them next weekend, knowing that an intimate setting outside of our small group time is just what I need to really begin to foster relationships.
It has been a tough few months, but I feel as if I am finally taking ownership of my own faith. I am hungry for the will of God and love making new discoveries of what He is asking of me. I am opening my heart and mind to possibilities and people that I never would have encountered had I never allowed God to lead me where He wanted me to be. My heart for missions and serving is going crazy right now praying over a big decision of doing a Go trip, which is Crossroads equivalent of a mission trip. Sign ups don't happen until January, but I'm fairly confident that at the end of next July, I'll be serving at Go NOLA to help with the ongoing recovery efforts from Hurricane Katrina. There are also future possibilities of going to South Africa and India in the next few years but for now I'm taking baby steps and taking each day one day at a time to see where God leads me.
It's been a long time coming, but the contentment I feel is incredible and I love the growth I am seeing in my own life. I can't wait to see what happens in the next few months as I continue to walk in obedience and faith. :)
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Expectations
Expectations. We have them for ourselves. We feel pressured to meet them from others. The driving question behind expectations is...what are our motives? What are the motives of others? This is the thought that's been floating through my head for the past couple of hours after dropping off a couple of my youth girls and an intense discussion we had during our car ride.
Part of me is posting this for myself, for my own accountability to my growth and my acknowledging my struggle. Part of me is posting it because I want my youth kids to learn from my past. Part of me is posting it because it's time to put a stop to the lies that Satan and society try to brainwash us with on a daily basis.
Society tells us that in order to be beautiful, we must be a skinny size 0. Our hair and makeup have to be perfect, and we have to be up to date on the latest styles and trends floating around. Women have to work twice as hard as men to be recognized for any of their success, which causes us to place unnecessary pressure on ourselves to succeed and not make mistakes. There are the expectations that we are to graduate high school, go to college, find the perfect job immediately after graduation, get married, and then start a family. If we don't do these things, or we do them out of order, then in the eyes of society, we have gone wrong somewhere.
I grew up in a household where I was told on a daily basis that I wasn't good enough. No matter how hard I worked, no matter how many A's I brought home, it wasn't good enough. I was never into sports and I preferred to spend my free time curled up with a good book or spending time with a few close friends. I was told that no one would ever love me because I wasn't skinny and beautiful enough. I worked three times as hard as my friends to prove myself to the one person who said these words to me day in and day out and no matter what I did I wasn't good enough.
The day my parents divorced was the most freeing day of my life. Some of my friends have trouble understanding why I say I love Cincinnati so much. This is the place my dreams came alive. It was the place I was finally able to breathe and begin to live my life. I flourished and I grew and before I knew it, I was able to spread my wings and fly. Turns out though, that this little bird still struggled underneath the bold new exterior she had put on.
During college, I finally came to realize just how much pain and anger I was carrying around inside. The ridiculous expectations that had been placed on me by the one person who should have loved me unconditionally led me to a counselor who turned my world upside down. It was my freshman year of college that I finally began to let go and realize that I didn't have to try so hard. My life wasn't defined by my grades, my looks, or my weight. My life was defined by my relationship with Christ and my identity that could only be found in Him. When I came to this conclusion, it was as if huge shutters had been removed from my eyes. I realized that by allowing both this person in my life and the media to feed lies into my life, that I was going to sink. It didn't matter how hard I worked or how skinny I became, if I continued to buy into these lies, I was never going to be the person I was created to be.
I write these words because I see some of my youth girls struggling with the same things that I did, and sometimes still do, struggle with. I see them using food and grades and clothing size to be the one thing in their lives they can control when everything else is falling apart. I see them falling back on the same nasty habits and patterns that I still sometimes find myself falling into. I don't want them to reach the point I did my freshman year of college where I stopped going to class and I pushed everyone away because I was depressed. I want to break those chains now and help them to understand that their identity is not found in their clothing size, their grades, or the amount of makeup they wear. Their identity is found in Christ and the peace and strength only He can give.
I write these words tonight because I am openly admitting that there are many times I still fall into these nasty thought patterns. I am human and I allow Satan to whisper to my soul and tell me that I will still never be good enough, that no matter how hard I work, I'm still going to fail. I had a conversation today with someone in my church family who has spoken so much truth and light into my life over the past six years and it was in that conversation that I was reminded that I am fully capable of anything I put my mind to and that I need to be able to prove my success and my capabilities to others. I can't just sit back and let others take control because that small voice in the back of my head is whispering that I can't do it.
My heart hurts tonight for the battles I know that some of my girls are fighting. My heart hurts that society and the media, along with the people we are closest to continue to tell us that we are not worthy and that we must be a perfect size 0, make straight A's, and that there is no room for mistakes. These lies need to be erased from our lives and we need to allow the truth of Christ to shine through. It is only in Christ that our identities are truly made. A relationship with Jesus gives us grace, gives us freedom, and reminds us that we don't have to be perfect, because He loves us just the way we are. When we begin to see ourselves through the eyes of Christ, it is only then that we see our true beauty and our true worth.
Part of me is posting this for myself, for my own accountability to my growth and my acknowledging my struggle. Part of me is posting it because I want my youth kids to learn from my past. Part of me is posting it because it's time to put a stop to the lies that Satan and society try to brainwash us with on a daily basis.
Society tells us that in order to be beautiful, we must be a skinny size 0. Our hair and makeup have to be perfect, and we have to be up to date on the latest styles and trends floating around. Women have to work twice as hard as men to be recognized for any of their success, which causes us to place unnecessary pressure on ourselves to succeed and not make mistakes. There are the expectations that we are to graduate high school, go to college, find the perfect job immediately after graduation, get married, and then start a family. If we don't do these things, or we do them out of order, then in the eyes of society, we have gone wrong somewhere.
I grew up in a household where I was told on a daily basis that I wasn't good enough. No matter how hard I worked, no matter how many A's I brought home, it wasn't good enough. I was never into sports and I preferred to spend my free time curled up with a good book or spending time with a few close friends. I was told that no one would ever love me because I wasn't skinny and beautiful enough. I worked three times as hard as my friends to prove myself to the one person who said these words to me day in and day out and no matter what I did I wasn't good enough.
The day my parents divorced was the most freeing day of my life. Some of my friends have trouble understanding why I say I love Cincinnati so much. This is the place my dreams came alive. It was the place I was finally able to breathe and begin to live my life. I flourished and I grew and before I knew it, I was able to spread my wings and fly. Turns out though, that this little bird still struggled underneath the bold new exterior she had put on.
During college, I finally came to realize just how much pain and anger I was carrying around inside. The ridiculous expectations that had been placed on me by the one person who should have loved me unconditionally led me to a counselor who turned my world upside down. It was my freshman year of college that I finally began to let go and realize that I didn't have to try so hard. My life wasn't defined by my grades, my looks, or my weight. My life was defined by my relationship with Christ and my identity that could only be found in Him. When I came to this conclusion, it was as if huge shutters had been removed from my eyes. I realized that by allowing both this person in my life and the media to feed lies into my life, that I was going to sink. It didn't matter how hard I worked or how skinny I became, if I continued to buy into these lies, I was never going to be the person I was created to be.
I write these words because I see some of my youth girls struggling with the same things that I did, and sometimes still do, struggle with. I see them using food and grades and clothing size to be the one thing in their lives they can control when everything else is falling apart. I see them falling back on the same nasty habits and patterns that I still sometimes find myself falling into. I don't want them to reach the point I did my freshman year of college where I stopped going to class and I pushed everyone away because I was depressed. I want to break those chains now and help them to understand that their identity is not found in their clothing size, their grades, or the amount of makeup they wear. Their identity is found in Christ and the peace and strength only He can give.
I write these words tonight because I am openly admitting that there are many times I still fall into these nasty thought patterns. I am human and I allow Satan to whisper to my soul and tell me that I will still never be good enough, that no matter how hard I work, I'm still going to fail. I had a conversation today with someone in my church family who has spoken so much truth and light into my life over the past six years and it was in that conversation that I was reminded that I am fully capable of anything I put my mind to and that I need to be able to prove my success and my capabilities to others. I can't just sit back and let others take control because that small voice in the back of my head is whispering that I can't do it.
My heart hurts tonight for the battles I know that some of my girls are fighting. My heart hurts that society and the media, along with the people we are closest to continue to tell us that we are not worthy and that we must be a perfect size 0, make straight A's, and that there is no room for mistakes. These lies need to be erased from our lives and we need to allow the truth of Christ to shine through. It is only in Christ that our identities are truly made. A relationship with Jesus gives us grace, gives us freedom, and reminds us that we don't have to be perfect, because He loves us just the way we are. When we begin to see ourselves through the eyes of Christ, it is only then that we see our true beauty and our true worth.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Reflections on 2013
I remember back to the days when I used to blog every day, or every couple of days. Even with nothing of importance to say other than the mundane every day stuff going on in my life, my blogging was an escape and I felt the need to capture every moment so I wouldn't forget them. Now, I live in the moment. I'm not attached to my blog or my camera the way that I used to be.
Since I turned 29 in October, it was as if something clicked that suddenly made me an "adult." I've been working hard to take the steps to get all of my finances in order. 2013 was the year that I paid off two of my credit cards and this year looks close to being the same. I'm in the process of having two of my student loans forgiven because I work in a state licensed child care center (friends who teach preschool-if you have a Perkins loan, look into their forgiveness program!) and my other loans are in a place where I can actually make payments on them. My phone doesn't ring off the hook anymore with debt collectors because everything is in repayment mode. I actually have money to live off of and while I still live paycheck to paycheck, I don't stress out about finances as much as I used to. My car will be paid off in the spring of 2015 and my final two credit cards won't be far behind.
The best part of my finances being in order is that I've been able to travel a little bit here and there. This past summer I spent a week in Disney and Vero Beach with my parents and my high school best friend, and then I also spent a week with my senior high youth kids at a conference at a college in Tennessee. 2014 also holds big adventures! Mariah and I just booked a seven night Caribbean cruise with Carnival for the week after Christmas when our preschool is closed. Three nights at sea, with stops in St. Maarten, San Juan, and Grand Turk! We're also staying the night before our cruise in Miami, which I've only ever been to once, the night before we flew out to go to Haiti two years ago. My wanderlust heart is beyond excited and I have spent the past 24 hours googling everything I can find on our ports of call, exploring the ship on Carnival's website, and dreaming of warmth since it's pretty much been snowing here in Ohio since early December, with no signs of stopping anytime soon. While it stinks to have to wait 11 months for a vacation, it will be well worth it in the end! :)
I think one of the biggest things I learned in 2013 was contentment. Throughout the majority of my 20s, I struggled with being content with God's timing and in being single. Watching friend after friend get married and start a family took a toll on my heart, but God gently reminded me that He is to be my all. His timing is perfect and His plans are way better than my own. I signed myself up for a year long Disciple Bible study that is working me through the Old Testament and shining a light into my life that I needed to see. I also joined a women's small group that meets on Thursday evenings. It was originally a four week follow up to the women's retreat I went on back in November, but we enjoyed meeting together so much that we decided to keep going with meeting on Thursday nights. We're currently talking about priorities and boundries in our lives while working through Balancing It All by Candace Cameron Bure. I've come to cherish my Thursday nights and the amazing ladies that bring so much joy to my life. It's the one place I've come to feel as if I can be real and vulnerable and they'll love me despite the messiness of life and the things I struggle with.
One of the greatest blessings to my life this year has been the youth ministry. I've been a youth sponsor since 2009, but this year I feel as if God has really been nudging me to pour my heart and soul into these kids. I currently mentor two of our senior high girls who I love dearly and spend quality time with most of the kids twice a week during youth Bible study and Sunday night worship. It's been a blessing to watch them grow together and to become a family this year, something we adults have been praying for over the past several years.
I learned this year who my friends are, the people who have surrounded me with love, grace, and joy on a daily basis. Some of them are scattered and we're separated by miles and hours, but I know all I have to do is pick up the phone or send them an email, and they'll drop everything for me. I gained one very dear friend, a coworker who has stuck by my side since summer and who probably doesn't realize how much I cherish her friendship. She has listened to me vent, I'm fairly certain she potentially has seen me cry, and she has loved me despite the ugliness of the battles we've fought together. I can't imagine what both my life and work would be like without her friendship. When I look at my life, I no longer have multiple "best friends." Instead, I have a circle of close friends, people who build me up, encourage me, and love me for who I am. We've all been together for so long that I can't imagine what life would be like without them.
I used to dread turning 29, knowing it was the end of my 20s and thinking that I was going to be old by turning 30. Instead, I look forward to this year and the exciting things I know God has planned for my life. I'm slowly learning to become okay with the fact that I may never get married (I have several friends who keep pushing me and telling me I need to move or switch churches to find a husband-not going to happen!) and I'm learning what it means to be content in who I am and who Christ calls me to be. My identity is not found in a husband, my job, or my finances. It is found in Jesus, who wants nothing more than my utmost devotion and my heart.
Here's to 2014...new adventures, better finances, and a life full of love and laugther. I can't wait to see what this year holds. :)
Since I turned 29 in October, it was as if something clicked that suddenly made me an "adult." I've been working hard to take the steps to get all of my finances in order. 2013 was the year that I paid off two of my credit cards and this year looks close to being the same. I'm in the process of having two of my student loans forgiven because I work in a state licensed child care center (friends who teach preschool-if you have a Perkins loan, look into their forgiveness program!) and my other loans are in a place where I can actually make payments on them. My phone doesn't ring off the hook anymore with debt collectors because everything is in repayment mode. I actually have money to live off of and while I still live paycheck to paycheck, I don't stress out about finances as much as I used to. My car will be paid off in the spring of 2015 and my final two credit cards won't be far behind.
The best part of my finances being in order is that I've been able to travel a little bit here and there. This past summer I spent a week in Disney and Vero Beach with my parents and my high school best friend, and then I also spent a week with my senior high youth kids at a conference at a college in Tennessee. 2014 also holds big adventures! Mariah and I just booked a seven night Caribbean cruise with Carnival for the week after Christmas when our preschool is closed. Three nights at sea, with stops in St. Maarten, San Juan, and Grand Turk! We're also staying the night before our cruise in Miami, which I've only ever been to once, the night before we flew out to go to Haiti two years ago. My wanderlust heart is beyond excited and I have spent the past 24 hours googling everything I can find on our ports of call, exploring the ship on Carnival's website, and dreaming of warmth since it's pretty much been snowing here in Ohio since early December, with no signs of stopping anytime soon. While it stinks to have to wait 11 months for a vacation, it will be well worth it in the end! :)
I think one of the biggest things I learned in 2013 was contentment. Throughout the majority of my 20s, I struggled with being content with God's timing and in being single. Watching friend after friend get married and start a family took a toll on my heart, but God gently reminded me that He is to be my all. His timing is perfect and His plans are way better than my own. I signed myself up for a year long Disciple Bible study that is working me through the Old Testament and shining a light into my life that I needed to see. I also joined a women's small group that meets on Thursday evenings. It was originally a four week follow up to the women's retreat I went on back in November, but we enjoyed meeting together so much that we decided to keep going with meeting on Thursday nights. We're currently talking about priorities and boundries in our lives while working through Balancing It All by Candace Cameron Bure. I've come to cherish my Thursday nights and the amazing ladies that bring so much joy to my life. It's the one place I've come to feel as if I can be real and vulnerable and they'll love me despite the messiness of life and the things I struggle with.
One of the greatest blessings to my life this year has been the youth ministry. I've been a youth sponsor since 2009, but this year I feel as if God has really been nudging me to pour my heart and soul into these kids. I currently mentor two of our senior high girls who I love dearly and spend quality time with most of the kids twice a week during youth Bible study and Sunday night worship. It's been a blessing to watch them grow together and to become a family this year, something we adults have been praying for over the past several years.
I learned this year who my friends are, the people who have surrounded me with love, grace, and joy on a daily basis. Some of them are scattered and we're separated by miles and hours, but I know all I have to do is pick up the phone or send them an email, and they'll drop everything for me. I gained one very dear friend, a coworker who has stuck by my side since summer and who probably doesn't realize how much I cherish her friendship. She has listened to me vent, I'm fairly certain she potentially has seen me cry, and she has loved me despite the ugliness of the battles we've fought together. I can't imagine what both my life and work would be like without her friendship. When I look at my life, I no longer have multiple "best friends." Instead, I have a circle of close friends, people who build me up, encourage me, and love me for who I am. We've all been together for so long that I can't imagine what life would be like without them.
I used to dread turning 29, knowing it was the end of my 20s and thinking that I was going to be old by turning 30. Instead, I look forward to this year and the exciting things I know God has planned for my life. I'm slowly learning to become okay with the fact that I may never get married (I have several friends who keep pushing me and telling me I need to move or switch churches to find a husband-not going to happen!) and I'm learning what it means to be content in who I am and who Christ calls me to be. My identity is not found in a husband, my job, or my finances. It is found in Jesus, who wants nothing more than my utmost devotion and my heart.
Here's to 2014...new adventures, better finances, and a life full of love and laugther. I can't wait to see what this year holds. :)
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