Mental health care is OKAY

I was originally going to make this a Facebook post, but then I realized it would become a novel so I decided to break out the blog. Two back to back nights...this never happens! However, I had a therapy session today and some things the counselor said to me are stuck on my mind and writing has always been my outlet, so here I am.

In my line of work, I am a huge advocate for mental health awareness and care. When you work with students five days a week who have been exposed to trauma, how can you not advocate for mental health care? However, what I am learning is that in all the times I advocate for my students, I have not been taking care of myself.

Anyone who knows me, knows that 2018 was a shit storm. That's honestly the best way I can put it. I finally reached a breaking point and asked for a referral to a counselor, a move that was HUGE in my world, but one that is turning out to be rewarding. I've seen her three times since December, with another appointment scheduled for two weeks from now and each time I've come home and cried because I am completely overwhelmed at how it feels to take care of myself. I've been taking care of my physical health for almost two years but haven't stopped to take care of my mental and emotional health. I am one of those people that goes to one of two extremes: I either feel so deeply that it takes over all of my functioning or I go into complete avoidance mode. 99% of the time it's the avoidance route because I don't know what to do when I feel big emotions. Crazy right? I teach my students coping skills but don't know how to take care of myself.

Today I sat in the counselor's office and I spilled out so much anger and hurt and frustration, emotions I didn't even realize I was fully feeling. I've spent so much time pushing them down, that I had zero clue that they existed or that I was struggling with them. She asked me again about what brings me joy and what makes me feel happy and I struggled to answer her question because I honestly don't know. She gave me homework and told me that I need to continue working on setting limits, learning to say no, and that I need to try and focus on the things that bring a smile to my face every day. She encouraged me to carry around a small notebook to record when these big feelings come over me, with instructions to acknowledge them but not to engage until I had time to sit in them.

We talked a lot about my safe place, the place I feel most comfortable and free and my answer was actually surprising when I said it out loud to her. What I am learning in my sessions is that I live my life always feeling as if the other shoe is going to drop and expecting certain people in my life to walk away from me, because it's what I am used to and what I tolerate. I sat on the couch and cried to my mom tonight, telling her that I am realizing where the consistency in my life is and that my safe place is associated with my safe people and that I need to be truthful with both of them, because I am only hurting myself by bottling up these feelings.

The counselor also suggested I make more time for journaling and self care, so I asked two friends to hold me accountable to actually taking that time out for me. I told the counselor I feel guilty at telling people no, because I always worry about disappointing people but I can't continue to fill others if I don't fill myself first. So at least once a week I plan to make time for me, whether it's a bubble bath, taking myself out to dinner, going for hot chocolate, browsing a bookstore, etc. Self care is SO important, especially in my line of work. Plus, living back at home has been an adjustment and I got used to all my solo time and I crave that time and space for myself. There is nothing wrong in needing time alone to recharge and regroup.

Friends, if you are reading this and you are struggling and unsure of how to deal with life, please please take a lesson from my book and allow yourself to see someone. There is zero shame in advocating for your own mental health and admitting that we aren't created to do life alone. This has been the hardest two months in allowing someone into these spaces that I've kept bottled up for so long, but it's been so incredibly rewarding. My mom even reminded me tonight that while it hurts now, there is going to be so much freedom on the other side. My hope is that my story will inspire even one person to realize that we aren't meant to do life alone. Always remember that you are WORTH taking care of. Never feel bad about advocating for yourself. It is the best gift you can give to yourself.

Worthy of love

Last weekend, I spent the weekend in Cleveland with my best friend, unwinding and relaxing after what has felt like a whirlwind crazy past few weeks. He kept telling me he felt like he should be entertaining me, but what I needed last weekend was a weekend to just be. I had told my mentor earlier in the week that I was looking forward to the weekend in Cleveland because I always come home feeling relaxed and I sleep better there than I tend to do at home.

While I was there, we had a conversation that struck me right in the heart. I don't think he quite understands or realizes how much that conversation impacted me, but it's been on my heart for the past week. The details of the conversation aren't important because what he said to me was pretty personal, but it was personal enough that I didn't know how to accept it. In fact, I'm fairly confident I laughed when he said it, which now I feel terrible about. I realized in thinking back on our conversation that the reason I laughed at what he said is because I don't know how to take a compliment. I wanted to disregard what he said to me as not true, when in reality, he seldom has sappy moments on me (I'm the sap out of the two of us) so when he does say those things, I need to remember that he says them for a reason and that he actually means them.

As I've sat on the words he said to me for the past week, I've realized that my problem is that I still don't believe that I am worthy enough to be loved, whether it is from my friends, my family, or even a relationship. Somewhere in my head I struggle to believe that people actually genuinely care about me and that instead, they just "put up with me." It sounds dumb even as I type it, but when I get inside my own head, it gets ugly. This is part of why I am in therapy....to sort all of this stuff out.

I had a conversation with my kindergarten best friend a couple of nights after my Cleveland trip and she spoke some much needed truth into my life. She laughed when I first told her about what I was feeling and even said that means the first 26 years of our friendship mean nothing. HA! But she was quick to remind me that those lies I still hear in my head are just that...lies. She reminded me that the people in my life LOVE ME and don't just "put up with me," as I phrased it. We were texting earlier tonight and she told me that she loved me and then said "By the way, tell your brain I meant that." I had to laugh because I know that she loves me, just like I know all the other people in my life love me. I just need to get out of my own head and fill my heart with truth.

I am thankful in particular tonight for these two friends of mine. To think one friendship has spanned 27 years is insane. I don't even know how I am old enough to have been friends with someone for that long! But I am thankful that when I look back on my life, the good, the bad, the ugly and all the in between, Diana is the one consistent person in my life. Our friendship has survived growing up on the same street, then her moving 30 minutes away and changing schools, me moving four hours away, our college years, her getting married, and so many other things we've been through. She is the person who is and always will be my biggest cheerleader. She tells me how it is, even when I don't want to hear it. She is the person who will cry with me, laugh with me, and pick me up when I need a friend. We go months between visits but it's as if no time at all has changed. We have been through it all together and I am so thankful to say I have a lifelong best friend in her.

As for Vince, well, I still find it odd sometimes that we are friends and he would agree with me. We are six years apart in age, have never lived in the same city in the entire span of our 11 years of friendship, and yet somehow he's become the other half of me I never knew was missing. There is no one who makes me laugh as much as he does, no one who puts me in my place the way he does, and no one who gets my heart the way he does. We get into the most ridiculous shenanigans together, but at the end of the day, when I need someone to sit and listen to me cry and vent or someone to pick me up, he is the person I go to. Our friendship is 100% built on communication since we have never lived in the same city and I think because we had to build our foundation that way, we quickly realized we had something special and we've worked hard to keep that communication open, no matter what life has thrown at us. Life would be so different without him and I am thankful every day for his friendship.

Between Vince and Diana, my life would be so incomplete because I would constantly feel as if something is missing. They are my go to people, the friends who love me right where I am and the friendships that have sustained years, distance, and so many life changes. Both of them will probably laugh at my sappiness but they are both a huge part of the realizations I have been learning, both in counseling and in my reflective quiet times and without them, I wouldn't be the person I am today.

Feel the fear and do it anyway

Today is day three of our new fitness program but I am swapping out my end of the week rest day to tonight. I had my second counseling appointment today and I can already tell these days will be draining so I am allowing myself the flexibility to flip my schedule as needed.

I was talking to one of my best friends on my way home, asking her to hold me accountable to the homework my counselor gave me. The counselor and I talked a lot today about setting limits for myself, allowing myself the freedom to say no to things and to build in time for myself on a weekly basis. She also told me that much like I make time to make my workouts a priority, I need to make my mental health a priority as well. She gave me another assignment, one that is going to be difficult but one that I know is going to lead to some major break throughs in my life. She reminded me that sometimes it’s okay to be “selfish” and to allow myself space to rest, to feel, and to grow.

Reaching out and going to counseling is by far one of the hardest decisions I have ever made in my entire life. And just like Shaun T says on a regular basis in his programs “Embrace the hard. Growth comes from leaving your comfort zone.” Nothing about this part of my journey is easy. Letting my walls down and working through my baggage is hard.

But what I do know is that when you walk in obedience to where God calls you and have faith in His timing (and the fact that your best friend has been praying about this for YEARS), then He rewards that faith. I know He is going to make something beautiful out of my broken mess. I don’t know what that is yet, but I do know that this journey will be worth it when I get to that beautiful destination. 

Reflections on 2018

As I reflect back on 2018, I don't think I've ever been so thankful to see a year come to a close as I am this one. It feels as if 2018 was just one hit after another and I spent a good chunk of the year treading water, pretending I was fine when I really wasn't. I put on a smile and pushed people away so they couldn't see how I was really breaking inside. 

But, as I look back on and process through 2018, I know that in time I will see areas of growth. When  this year first started, I had so many goals and dreams and hopes, all of which slowly fell apart as the punches just kept coming. I was having a conversation with a friend recently when we were in the car driving downtown and I told her that I feel like a constant hot mess, one who struggles to see her worth. We were processing through some relationships in my life that have fallen apart, talking about work and areas that I still struggle with in my career, and just life in general. As I shared with her words that my counselor had spoken over me, she kept asking me if I could see how huge this was for my life. I may not see it as a victory, but allowing myself to see a counselor was a huge step towards freedom, one she specifically has been praying for for me for years. I've always been resistant to the idea of talking to someone because I see it as a weakness to my own life, but yet I encourage my students to talk about their feelings and struggles. 

About a month ago, I was having a conversation with another friend and telling him about a realization I had had one night as I was driving. I told him I felt like I was being led towards the words "worthy," "loved," and "beautiful" as my words for 2019. Each year I choose a word that becomes the theme of my life for that year and while I don't know that there was one for 2018, I feel as if God is going to use those three words in 2019 to bring freedom to my life in so many areas this year. These three words are wrapped up in so much pain and brokenness in my mind and heart and this year I intend to speak those words into truth and let go of the pain associated with them. Last night I sat and created my goal sheet for 2019 and made sure to set goals of regular quiet times with my Bible, along with reading books and surrounding myself with people who will remind me of my worth. 

2018 was a difficult year, one I am glad to see coming to an end. However, I genuinely believe that 2019 will be a year of freedom, growth, and identity building. My confidence increased in some areas in 2018, but I believe that in 2019 God is going to break the strongholds in my life and teach me what it means to be beautiful, loved, and worthy. At this time a year from now, I want to be able to look back and see how God redeemed my brokenness and turned my story into something beautiful.  

The importance of friendship

I had a lot of time in the car today to think, something I think my brain and heart very much needed. There wasn't much on the radio (even all my satellite radio stations changed to Christmas music) so I was able to let my mind wander and process through some stuff that's been on my heart for awhile.

Over the course of the past year, I started evaluating the relationships in my life. I could hear God speaking some truth into my life when I went to Woman Camp back in the spring about a particular friendship I had been clinging to because we had been friends since high school. I could hear God nudging my heart, showing me how unhealthy that friendship had become. Then this summer, that friendship shifted due to some life changes. Shortly after, I had another friendship shift, one that was surprising and unexpected. I've learned that when emotions get involved, someone gets hurt, and inevitably, it always seems to be me.

With these shifting friendships have come questions about my own worth. I struggled to understand why I was good enough to be someone's go to person, the person they went to for advice, to hang out with, etc. but the minute someone "better" came along, I was cast aside and forgotten about. I couldn't understand why some of these relationships that have been years in the making were suddenly extinct.

What I've learned in 2018 as I've struggled through one of the hardest years of my life, is that the people who genuinely care about me, the people who love me unconditionally, these are the people who fight for me. They are the people who sit with me in a Mexican restaurant and tell me to stop shutting them out, that they want to carry my burdens. They are the people who send Voxer messages to me several times a week and pour truth into my life. They are the people who drive two and a half hours just to have lunch with me to celebrate Christmas. They are the people who turn down the radio in the car and listen to me vent and cry. They are the people who send me $5.00 via Venmo and tell me to treat myself to Starbucks and to remember that I am loved and that God has my back. They are the person who I meet on a mission trip who go on to change my life by pointing me to Jesus on a regular basis. They are the people who are married with kids who make time to take me to the theater to see my favorite Broadway production for my birthday. They are the kindergarten best friends who sit with me in a restaurant on Fountain Square and listen to me cry. They are the friends who sit in my office and let me cry, even when I don't know why I'm crying. They are the people who give up a Sunday to film video clips for my coaching business and who hug me when I need it most. They are the people I text with an immediate prayer request and they immediately send out prayers. They are the people who hug me on Saturdays while we hold doors open at church and remind me of the God who loves me and is holding me up when I feel like I am alone. They are the people who I spend time with that I only see a couple times a year but with whom I pick right back up again. They are the people who send me text messages just to say hi and let me know I haven't been forgotten about. They are the people who I've never officially met in person but who show me Jesus by loving me and building my confidence. They are the people I meet through a hiking group that I feel like I've known forever after meeting just once in person. They are the people I used to work with who now live in other cities (or even overseas!) but still call me when big things happen in their lives that they want me to know about or who send me facebook messages just to tell me they miss me. They're the people who live clear on the other side of town but who text me regularly just to check in or talk to me about Disney World or ministry. They’re the friends who live in another state but who get my heart and encourage me to dream big when I tell them I want to write a book and who call me when I’m crying and feel like I’ve just had my heart broken and remind me that I will get through this season of change.

These people are the ones who remind me of Jesus and of my strength. These are the relationships that are important. I spent so much of 2018 mourning the friendships that were changing and trying so hard to cling to them but what I've come to realize is that my worth is not found in those people. I was tying myself to people who didn't make me a priority and not seeing the beautiful friendships I still had right in front of me. 2018 was a hard year but I am thankful for these people who have loved me despite the messiness and remind me of what's important.

So if you are reading this and you are one of those people...thank you. Without all of you, my life just wouldn't make sense. Thank you for loving me and always being the people who build me up when I need it most. You are an important piece to my life and I can't imagine life without all of you. Thank you for being the best part of my story in 2018.

Be Still

I haven't touched my blog in over a year. There's no real reason for it other than...life. There have been so many changes since that last blog post. I moved in with a friend for a year, life shifted and I moved back home, I started a health and fitness journey, I've traveled a lot...I could go on and on about all the things that have happened.

But...that's not what's on my heart tonight. I've had several friends suggest that I blog, especially after sharing with them that I wanted to write a book someday. Writing a book for teen girls centered around identity has been a dream of mine for a long time, something I am hoping will come to fruition someday. For now, my blog will become a place for me to share the things on my heart and to make sense of life when it gets complicated.

Each day, I hear stories from my students that break my heart. When I look at some of my students, I see myself. I see my childhood. I see the brokenness. I see the pain. I see the longing for someone to love them and understand them. I see the struggles to open their hearts, wondering if they can actually trust me or if I will be just another adult that lets them down. I see them finally let their guard down. I see stories of redemption and beauty that comes from the ashes.

Each day, I look at my family and friends and see their burdens. I pick them up and I carry them. I listen as they cry. I give advice. Sometimes I lecture. I laugh with them. I cry with them. I hug them when they need it.

But...I see myself. I see the girl who stares back at me from the mirror, the girl who has grown in confidence over the past year and a half, but who still doesn't know how to be still. I see the girl who carries the weight of the world, of her friends, her family, and her students, but doesn't allow anyone to carry her weight. I see the girl who keeps busy to avoid her own thoughts. I see the girl who doesn't know how to grieve and hurt and cry. I see the girl who tries so hard to be strong for everyone else but doesn't know how to be strong for herself.

Back in November, I finally cracked. While I have grown tremendously and found strength inside of me that I didn't know I had, I also realized that I don't know how to allow myself to FEEL. So after a day of driving to work in tears, being unable to put to words how I felt, I fell apart in my doctor's office and asked for a referral to a counselor. I knew I could no longer carry the burdens I have been carrying for far too long and I asked for help.

Yesterday, I had my first counseling appointment. It was filled with tears, just like I knew it would be. But in that first session, I began to open the cracks and I began the healing process. My counselor called me out on how busy I am, on taking care of everyone else but not taking care of myself. She asked me what made me feel joyful and I honestly could not answer her. I told her how difficult 2018 has been and that looking back, I'm not sure how much joy there had been. I told her I feel as if I have lost sight of who I am, what I enjoy, and what brings me joy. I told her about the losses of three people from my life this year, losses I didn't know how to grieve because I was too busy being the strong person for everyone else.

In that session yesterday, she gave me homework. She told me that at least twice a week I need to give myself 30 minutes to lay on my bed and just feel. She told me to set a timer and for 30 minutes I need to let my brain sort through the past year and to allow whatever emotions I feel to come to the surface. She gave me permission to cry. She gave me permission to hurt. She gave me permission to be angry. But, she also reminded me to not sit in that place. She told me that when the timer goes off, to tuck it back in and to remind myself I will come back to it again the next day and I can sit in those emotions again. Her final instruction was that after I tuck those feelings away, I need to live. I need to remember the good things I have in my life and to find what makes me joyful. She doesn't want me to sit in those feelings of anger and sadness and to instead remember what makes my life joyful and worth living.

I know this isn't going to be easy. But, I trust that just like watching my students overcome their struggles and to find the beauty in their brokenness, that God is going to redeem my story and make something beautiful out of these ashes. He has a beautiful plan and purpose for my life and I need to keep those reminders front and center when life gets hard.

This blog is going to be the story of redemption, of hope, and of beauty. It won't always be pretty, but it's my story and I know God is going to do something beautiful through it all.

When God changes your trajectory...

For some people, Mother's Day is a difficult day. For me, it can be bittersweet. Don't get me wrong...I have an amazing mom and an amazing sister who show me everyday what it means to love unconditionally. I am thankful everyday for the relationship I share with them. However, sometimes Mother's Day reminds me that I may never have children of my own and that makes my heart hurt. 

When I was 21 years old, I was diagnosed with a condition that changed my life forever. I found out that I may never be able to have children of my own and I was heartbroken. When I was in college, all I wanted was to get married and have children and all I could see at that time was my whole life crumbling before my eyes. I couldn't understand why God would take the one dream I had for my life. Didn't He hear my prayers? Didn't He understand that my whole identity was tied up in someday being a mother? 

As I got older, my prayers changed. I began to find my identity in Jesus and began embracing the season I was in. A couple of weeks ago, my mom and I had a long heart to heart on a Friday night about this season I currently am in, where I am single, no closer to being married, and with no kids. She asked me if I ever found myself upset at the diagnosis I had been given and I was honest and said that while at one time I had been distraught at the idea of never carrying my own biological children, I realized there are so many kids in need that being a mom someday is still not out of the question. 

A year and a half ago, I began asking God to mold my heart, to break off the pieces of my life that didn't reflect His glory, and to shape me into the woman He created me to be. I began with my finances, allowing friends I trusted with everything to speak truth into a very sensitive area. Since then, I have watched God continue to trim off the pieces of my life that don't reflect His glory and He's given me a heart that wants to be like Him. 

I find at times that I feel lonely and question why God has never given me a husband or kids, knowing that is still what I desire, even 11 years post diagnosis. When the loneliness sets in, I reach out to friends who understand this part of me, friends who are sitting in this same season or who have been in my spot, and I spend a lot of time in Scripture, allowing God to speak gentle truths to my life. I question whether this desire is mine, or a desire that God has given to me. I have always been told that if God gives you a desire, He will fulfill it, just in His timing. I haven't figured out if this desire for marriage or kids is mine, or if it's one from God that eventually He will fulfill, but I trust Him enough to sit in this season and to continue chasing after Him. At the end of the day, all I want is to be more like Jesus, whether that's chasing after Him with a husband and kids by my side, or if it's as a single person. I know He has good plans for my life and I trust that.

Since the night my mom and I had the conversation about my diagnosis and being a mom, I have been thinking about all the kids who don't have the luxury of being part of a loving family. Someday I hope to be a foster parent, and eventually I would like to adopt but until then, I will enjoy this season of being single and loving the kids currently in my life.

This weekend at Crossroads was Compassion weekend. Brian Tome gave a message about the good samaritan and then challenged us to take a step of faith to sponsor a child in need. Going into service tonight at Uptown, I had ZERO plans to sponsor a child. I had given it a little thought this week knowing the service was coming, but I hadn't really stopped to pray about it. Today, I was putting money into my envelope system and looking at my finances, and it hit me that God has blessed me abundantly since stepping out in faith a year and a half ago to get my finances under control. He has given more to me than I deserve and I have been looking for ways to give back what He has given me. As I sat in service tonight listening to the message, I could feel the Holy Spirit nudging me, reminding me of the conversation I had had with my mom a few weeks ago where I had mentioned there were other ways of being a parent and other ways of caring for children and I knew what was going to happen by the end of service. When the worship band launched into Good, Good Father, I was done for. I got up out of my seat, walked to the wall, and picked up an envelope. With tears streaming down my cheeks, I filled out the packet, walked up on stage, and made a commitment in front of the entire Uptown community that I was going to sponsor and care for this child until they turned 18. 

Meet Sharon. She is 4 years old and lives in Nicaragua. She loves art, drawing, playing with dolls, and playing house. She also loves Sunday school, doing arts and crafts, learning about God, and getting to eat snacks. I am so excited that for the next 14 years...yes FOURTEEN years, I will be sponsoring her monthly. The money I sponsor each month will provide her with Biblical teaching, health screenings, supplemental food, counseling, community service opportunities, vocational training, and educational assistance. 

I may not physically be a parent, but by sponsoring Sharon, I am giving her the opportunity to grow, flourish, and be successful. I can help point her to Jesus and give her a solid foundation for her future. My heart is overflowing with love, joy, and peace. Please join me in praying for Sharon and her family. I can't wait to start writing her letters and to someday, travel to Nicaragua and meet her. 

God is a good, good Father and I am so thankful for the ways He continues to mold me into His image. 

"Then when you call and the Lord will answer. "Yes I am here," he will quickly reply. "Remove the heavy yoke of oppression. Stop pointing your finger and spreading vicious rumors! Feed the hungry, and help those in trouble. Then your light will shine out from the darkness, and the darkness around you will be bright as noon. The Lord will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength. You will be like a well-watered garden, like an ever flowing spring."

--Isaiah 58:9-11