I didn't want to write this entry right after I got home because I wanted some time to reflect and bounce back from all of the travel. I was struggling the first couple days I was home from fatigue and being emotionally drained both from my time in Haiti, and because we had gotten stranded in Chicago on the way home, on a night I really just wanted to be surrounded by familiarity. Now that I've been home for almost two weeks, it's time to put my thoughts into writing and share my experience. I was waiting to blog about it because I wanted to talk about it out loud to my best friend and my friend Erin since she's been to Haiti before but I've got so much swirling through my head that I just need to get it out.
God taught me so much about myself that I didn't realize I existed. Three days in, I should have been falling over from inadequate nutrition and instead, three days in, I was bouncing off the walls with energy and enjoying every moment of what was being thrown my way. I don't know if I've ever shared it, but I have some serious food issues. I have a HUGE problem with textures, which keeps me from eating a lot of things. Take for example fruits and veggies. I can only "eat" fruits and veggies if they're blended into a smoothie. I've been working to overcome this and last summer, one of my coworkers encouraged me to try both grapes and strawberries. Right after biting into them, I was getting sick in a garbage can. I don't understand this struggle with textures, because I used to eat absolutely everything and now there are many things I just won't eat. While I was in Haiti, I lived off of the peanut butter, ritz crackers, goldfish, and crystal light I had packed. I ate breakfast because it was normal things like bagels, pancakes, and cereal, but that was the only meal I ate during the day. The rest of the day I lived off of what I had packed.
Towards the end of the week, we went out to an orphanage three hours from the mission in St. Louis du Nord we had been staying at. While at La Baie, we were invited to some local huts to have lunch with the Haitians who lived there. We had been told that with their culture, you were to accept any food they put in front of you and you had to try at least one bite, because that meal was probably a good month's worth of wages. I worked myself into a tizzy and ended up being physically sick at the idea of having to eat food I didn't like. It also didn't help that I was feeling sick to begin with from all of the meds I was on either. Regardless, I ended up staying behind at the orphanage while my team went out into the village and had lunch with the locals. As I laid on my mattress waiting for them to come back, I broke and started crying. All I could picture was Seth being disappointed in me and I was kicking myself for having these issues. On Friday night when we came back, we were sitting around talking and I broke down with my team and shared this struggle with them. We actually had a really good discussion about it and it was so encouraging how they built me up and reminded me that God can bring me over anything in my life, even this. I was also encouraged by Brice, who likes to tease me about my eating habits on Sundays when we go out for lunch after church, because he apologized for any time he had ever hurt my feelings. He actually never has, but it was a very sweet thing for him to say and it was encouraging for me to know that my team understood and supported me, regardless of what I was struggling with.
During our time in Haiti, we spent a lot of time interacting with the locals, especially the kids. We couldn't walk out the gates of the mission without immediately being swarmed by kids who wanted to hold our hands, and walk with us, and just talk to us. Some of my teammates felt that they were bombarded by kids who only wanted money, but I never actually had that problem. Seeing all of these kids who didn't have anything and simply wanted to be loved on broke my heart. On the very first night that we walked into St. Louis du Nord, I was walking with our intern and asking him questions and my heart broke to the extent that I had silent tears streaming down my face. Everywhere around me was garbage in the street, kids running around without clothes, and families that didn't know where their next meal was coming from. It completely overwhelmed me and broke me and when we got back to the mission, I walked right to my room, sat down on my mattress, pulled out my journal, and proceeded to cry my eyes out as my heart broke over and over again for everything I had seen. As I did this, Shannon (one of my teammates) came in, hugged me, and then walked out. She knew I didn't have words to express what I was feeling and that I didn't want to talk about it. That hug was all I needed. It was enough for me to understand that someone else knew what I was feeling and understood that sometimes, you just don't have the words to express what you're feeling and you just want to know you're loved regardless of that fact.
The rest of the week after that, I prayed for open eyes, a broken heart, ears to hear, and hands that were ready to work and God answered those prayers. I was able to serve in a capacity that I never thought I would serve in as we headed out to the jail and the brothels and met with the men who were waiting to be moved to a bigger jail in a bigger city and the women who worked in the brothels. At the end of our week in Haiti, we had a grocery drive where our team combined with a team from Kentucky and we made tickets and gave them to the women at the brothel and invited them to campus for some individual prayer time and gave them a bag of groceries to take home with them. I didn't expect that day to be my favorite day in Haiti but it was. I had no plans to actually pray out loud because it's something I struggle with and at the encouragement of Shannon, I actually did pray over a couple of the ladies and it moved me to the brink of tears. I looked at Shannon afterward and I remember my exact words to her were, "What just happened here?? Those words did NOT come from me!" and then I started laughing at how faithful God had been to give me the words and courage I needed to love on these women who are simply trying to find a way to provide for their families.
While I was in Haiti, my mind was on my youth kids often and I missed them more than I thought I would. Seth has been pushing on us for awhile to step up and start spending some one on one time with the kids and to mentor them. I pushed right back for awhile, saying I was busy with school and didn't have time to commit, blah blah blah. Really what I was doing was making excuses because I have never seen myself as a leader or someone who was strong enough spiritually to be leading anyone, even the youth kids. It's one thing to be there on Sunday evenings and chaperone, it's a completely different thing to spend time with them one on one and disciple them and help them to build their faith. Well, God had different ideas and kept putting three very specific youth girls on my heart that I have been praying about for months. While I was in Haiti, the call to pray for them was even stronger and by the end of the week, I told Seth I was ready to step up and to start discipling these three youth girls. In the last two weeks, I have sought out two of the three girls and talked to them about making a commitment and to my surprise, they were ecstatic at the idea of meeting with me. I feel confident that I am ready for this and God has given me so much peace about pouring into these girls and starting to build them up spiritually. I can't wait to see where this school year takes us.
The biggest thing I think I learned in Haiti was the idea of grace and forgiveness. In fact, I'm actually teaching a lesson on it to my Sunday school class next week since our normal leaders are on vacation. I struggle with the idea of showing others grace, especially when they've hurt me. This is something God has been trying to break me of. I even spent one night during worship and prayer time crying because my heart hurt so much over the bitterness, the anger, and the hurt I was carrying inside of me. I ended up praying with a leader from Kentucky and couldn't even put into words what I was feeling but God knew and He gave her the exact words my heart needed. As she prayed over me, I could feel the burden being lifted from my shoulders and I knew I was being given a second chance to make things right. It's going to take a lot of baby steps, but I know exactly what I need to do and how I need to go about doing this. The peace I feel about this is incredible. Every day, God shows me new ways to show grace in my life and reminds me of the grace He's given me.
While I'm still praying over many of the things I learned in Haiti, I feel peace and contentment, more so than I have in the last couple of years. I never expected my time in Haiti to impact my life so much but I feel eternally grateful for the lessons I was taught and for the experiences that I had. Once I had time to recover from the travel (let me tell you...the bus and tap tap rides alone were enough to break me and I swore up and down I would never go back to Haiti! haha) and started praying over what I had been taught, my heart continues to break for the things I saw and the things I experienced while in Haiti. I told everyone in our group I didn't think that going back would be something I wanted to do, but now that I've been home for two weeks and I've had time to recover and reflect, my heart longs to go back. We're not planning another trip back for a couple of years but I know there are other ways I can continue to support the work of the mission there and I'm looking forward to any doors that God opens in regards to Haiti.
All in all, while it was the hardest week of my life, I came home a completely different person. I feel stronger physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I am grateful for my time in Haiti, the connections and friendships I made there (I came home with an incredible connection to some wonderful ladies from Kentucky we roomed and worked with all week), and all of the lessons God taught me about myself. I look forward to the next chapter of my life and the doors that God is both opening and closing here at home. I have never felt so peaceful and for that, I am the most grateful.
