Monday, February 28, 2011

Antsy

Today has been a really weird day. It was a good day at work because I only had ten kids all day and had dropped to seven by the time they all got up from nap. However, I couldn't shake this weird feeling I had as if everything was about to change and that something just wasn't right. Then, by the time I got home from work, I was feeling antsy, as if I needed to escape. Had it not been so cold, I would have gone down to my favorite spot on the river to think but the weather turned bitter this afternoon so I came home from work instead.

I think I'm at a crossroads. I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and I'm beginning to realize that I only have a year of school left. I wish I knew what was going on with my internship but my advisor hasn't gotten back to me about whether she's been in touch with the counselor at the school I want to intern at so I don't even know if I should continue to look or if I should keep waiting.

I'm so ready to move past this chapter of my life. I'm over studying, writing papers, and the long commutes to campus every week. I'm ready to settle into my career and see where God takes me next. Things are slowly (and I mean very slowly because it's still a ways off) falling into place for me to move out to Denver. I told Mike tonight on the phone that if I can't find a job in an actual school district (I'm crossing my fingers that's not the case!) that I can always find a preschool job similar to the one I have now until I can find a job in an actual school district. I'm also going to look at jobs in the social services field, though by next year it'll have been four years since I've used that degree. Something will pan out if Denver is truly where God wants me. I just need to be patient and trust that He's going to reveal His plan to me in the coming year.

Right now, I'm finding it hard to live in this moment and cherish this period in my life because I feel as if I've been spending a lot of time on my own. I have another friend on the verge of engagement and while I'm happy for her, I can't help but feel as if I'm losing her. Of course I can't tell her this but I think she's aware of it. Things are changing and as much as I don't like it, I'm starting to get used to all the time I'm spending alone. It's just another reason that it'll be easy for me to move to Denver. I know moving to Denver is not the way to solve this season in my life but at least I know my friends will all be married off and I won't be leaving them alone when I move.

I'm just....I don't even know. I wish I could describe these thoughts and feelings going through my mind. I've been sighing all night and my stepdad kept asking me what was wrong. I can't put into words what I'm feeling. It's not exactly empty, but it's close. I just can't shake the feeling that everything is changing and I'm going to be the one sitting and left behind when it does. I don't know. I don't even know if this makes any sense. I just don't feel right tonight. I thought blogging might help but now I'm just talking myself in circles.

I'm going to bed. Maybe some sleep will help.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

I travel too much

I travel too much. I know this to be a fact. And I definitely just signed up for another hotel rewards program and linked it to my frequent flyer miles card through Southwest Airlines to earn miles for staying in various hotels. I now have frequent flyer cards through Southwest, Delta, and AirTran, and I have hotel reward cards through Choices Hotels and Wyndham Rewards. I officially need to get a life. haha

Someone recently made a comment to me that they think I travel too much and they asked me if I was rich. No, I am not rich and yes I travel a lot so what business is it of yours? I was bothered by it until I talked to my mom who reminded me that I don't have a husband, I don't have kids, and I have a job that currently allows me the flexibility to take time off to travel when I want to so why not take advantage of it while I can? Once I'm done with my Master's I'll become a slave to a traditional school schedule and will have to fight the other travelers who are doing the same thing over spring break, winter break, and summer. If I can travel now in the middle of the year, why not do it??

I blame my travel bug on my stepdad. We never took family vacations growing up so he wanted to take us to all the places I never got to go as a kid. Our first family trip was to Gatlinburg, Tennessee the first summer we lived in Cincinnati, followed just a few months later by my first trip to Disney. In the years that have followed we've been to Disney, Myrtle Beach, and Gatlinburg as a family. I've also been to Disney with friends, along with the Bahamas. Oh and we can't forget the summer I flew to Baltimore to visit Megan and we went into Washington D.C. for a day. Plus I've traveled to Denver on my own to visit family so it drives me crazy to go for months without being able to go anywhere.

Vince and I talked about going to Europe for spring break but that fell through so now I'm itching to get away again. I hate that by the time I leave for Denver in June it'll have been six months since I've been anywhere. I chose not to take my full spring break off of work so I could have two weeks off to go to Denver in June but man I'm kicking myself for that now. I don't know where I would have gone but even a couple of days out of Cincinnati would have been fun. That's okay though because I took a couple days off and Vince is coming to visit so we'll just do some fun stuff around here and I'll just keep anxiously counting down to my visit to Denver in June.

I e-mailed one of my friends from college and asked her if she wanted to go on a cruise the week after Christmas. My travel bug is itching to get out of the country again and I think Lauren and I would have a ball together. Plus we know we travel well together because we did spring break together in college so I think it would be so fun. I'm now anxiously waiting for her to e-mail me back to tell me I'm crazy or to agree to go with me! haha

Okay, enough of my travel rambles. I'm going to go dream some more of vacation plans. :-P

Friday, February 25, 2011

Summer plans

The end of winter quarter is rapidly approaching and this time I should be using to study for finals has actually been spent dreaming about summer. My brain is just in Denver mode and that's going to make getting through one more quarter tough. My visit is soooo close and Mike and I have been starting to hash out the small details, like my drive out and where my halfway point is going to be. It's been kind of fun surfing different websites, looking for deals on hotels and what not. I'm pretty sure my halfway point is going to be Columbia, Missouri which is about an eight and a half hour drive from here. We'll see how it all plays out.

I'm taking the state boards while I'm in Colorado to get my counseling license out there and then will study the rest of the summer to take the Comps to graduate from UC and then the Praxis to get my Ohio license. I'm also taking a class the second half of summer, which will run me right into the beginning of my internship. This summer is going to be full of studying but by the end of next summer (2012), I'll have my Master's degree!!! It'll be well worth it in the end and I'm so glad the end is near. I'm tired of being busy all the time and I'm just ready to be done with this chapter of my life (school wise anyway).

Okay, I should go get some stuff done. I need to clean my bedroom and my bathroom and I do need to do some homework too. That's pretty much my exciting weekend.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Half marathon training week 5

This winter has proven to be a trying experience for my half marathon training. I feel as if I've been sick all winter long which is really bringing my training to a halt. Last week was another week where I only got one run in because I got sick on Wednesday and have been sick ever since.

My goal for my long run last week was nine miles in preparation for the Heart Mini Marathon, followed by another nine mile run this coming weekend before scaling back to start conserving energy for the race. Since that hasn't happened, I'm starting to wonder if maybe I should call off my 15k and just focus on finishing my training for the half. I honestly don't know if my body will be ready for a 9.3 mile race in three and a half weeks. I want it, badly, even if it means walking it, but I just don't know if I'm going to be ready.

This has been the sickest I've been in what seems like years. I don't know why that is, but it's really screwing with my training. Denise keeps reassuring me I'm fine and I have plenty of time but when I take more than one night off of running, my mental battles flare up and then I just get discouraged. Part of me is so ready to throw in the towel but I feel like I've come too far for that.

I know that part of my training is admitting what I'm capable of at the moment so right now I need to decide if I'm ready for a 15k or if I should just back off and keep focusing on the big goal of 13.1 miles in May. Decisions, decisions. I just need to keep myself from getting discouraged so hopefully getting back to the gym this weekend will help. I sure hope so.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Thoughts on the future

I don't typically blog twice in one day but I need to settle my mind down so I can get some sleep to go back to work tomorrow.

I've been doing a lot of thinking about the future tonight because I just sent eight different e-mails to various school counselors to try and set up an internship for next year. I'm at the "holy crap!" period of my Master's degree because I can't believe it's time to start thinking about this already. How have the last two years gone by so quickly?!? If I were in the program full time and not part time, I'd be graduating in four weeks. I'm going to miss my co-hort but I'm thankful for the fact that Jen is part time too and will be there with me all next year. I couldn't make it through this without her.

After I graduate next spring, I really want to move out to Denver. I know I've been saying it a lot, but it's been on my mind a lot. I'm so serious about it that come next paycheck, I think I'm going to go to a different bank and open up just a savings account and start depositing money into it with each paycheck and refund check from UC. The boys have offered to let me live with them until I can get on my feet and a place of my own, something I am extremely thankful for. I'm going out for two weeks this summer so we'll test the waters and see if I can make it without wanting to kill them. haha

I just spent the last half hour surfing different school district websites and keeping my eye on the job market. Of course, it's still early to be posting jobs for the next school year but I like to keep my eyes open anyway. I'm hoping and praying that when it comes to this time next year and I'm applying for real jobs that I'll be able to find something. I'm going to apply here in Cincinnati and Northern Kentucky as well but honestly my heart is in Denver and that's where I really want to be.

I know that if this is God's plan for my life that it'll all work out and He'll provide a way for me to get out there. For now, I just keep praying for me to be content in whatever His plan is for me, even if Denver isn't meant to be. I never thought I'd want to leave the place that's been home for the last ten years but I've had Denver on the brain for the last year ever since visiting the boys for the first time.

I don't know if this has made any sense or if I'm just babbling. There's a real entry one back. For now I think I need to sleep.

One of those weeks

It's only Wednesday and I'm already having one of those weeks. It actually started on Friday evening and has just gone from there.

Friday night sometime between 11 p.m. and noon on Saturday some stupid person decided to spray paint the side of my car. Originally we thought it was an isolated incident but then discovered that whoever had done it had also spray painted a set of mailboxes in our neighborhood and someone's garage door. I filed a police report and a claim with my insurance but luckily magic eraser takes it off without taking my paint off so I'm not going to have to pay to have it repainted.




The one perk to the week has been my incredible best friend because she sent me these amazingly gorgeous flowers for Valentine's Day. They were delivered to me at work and after a long, rough day they were much welcomed. I am so lucky to have such an incredible best friend.


Then yesterday after work my check engine light came on. I've already been having problems with my car not wanting to start properly and this just added to it. I dropped the car off at the mechanic's last night who called me today with a final price. I don't even want to talk about how expensive it is but I'm thankful at least that the mechanic is willing to work with me and let me pay for most of it now and then the rest out of my next couple of paychecks.

Today I woke up with a low grade fever which isn't suprising because I knew it was just a matter of time before I ended up sick. My whole class has been passing around this fever and stomach bug and I finally came down with the fever. I feel okay right now which is good but hopefully it won't be like the rest of the class where it goes away and then spikes up again later.

I'm just having one of those weeks and am more than ready for it to be over.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Half marathon training week 4

Well, if I thought last week's training was an epic fail, then this week definitely surpasses it. I didn't run at all this week and I'm still trying to figure out where things went wrong and why I didn't end up running.

I had a breakdown before church this morning to Denise who quickly assured me that I was fine and that maybe we just needed to reassess my training plan. She reminded me that my running is something I'm doing for me and that it should be fun and not stressful. If I stress over it, I'm just going to end up mentally setting back my own training so I need to figure out what is going to work best for me and then go from there.

After much discussion this morning, I am contemplating changing my next race from a 15k down to a 10k. I'm just at a point right now where I don't know for sure that I can pull out 9.3 miles in a few weeks. I know I can handle 6.2 (a 10k) and that running a 10k instead of a 15k is NOT a setback in my training. There is NO reason that I can't still finish the half in May if I choose to run a 10k instead of a 15k. It's just being realistic about my abilities at the moment instead of trying to put my body through something it's just simply not ready for.

I knew coming into this that training for the half wasn't going to be easy but I never expected there to be so many barriers that popped up. However, I am still certain I want to do this and plan to keep pushing through until I cross that finish line in May. I still want this...badly...and I'm willing to work through those barriers that pop up from time to time.

I know I say it in every entry I write, but I truly, honestly COULD NOT do this without Denise. She is my rock and my encouragement and without her I would fall apart. Oh and we can't forget her amazing husband Jon too who is pushing both of us and cheering both of us on as we both work towards our goal of the Pig in May! He is our biggest cheerleader and I know I for one love the encouragement he provides us with and how he cheers us on during some of the tougher moments of training.

Yes, it wasn't the best of weeks training wise but tomorrow starts a new day and a new chance to get back on track and keep working towards my goal. I CAN and WILL finish this half in May!

And now, just for an additional bit of encouragement, a reminder of the day I decided to run the half and the excitement of watching Denise finish her first full marathon! This is my inspiration to keep going!


Sunday, February 6, 2011

Half-marathon training week 3

I can sum up my training this week in two words: epic fail. I only ran once this week. Once. That's it. Looking back on my week and then having a talk with my mom I now realize several reasons for why this happened and several places I need to make some changes.

Monday 1/31/11:
I didn't run this night because I had waited until the night before to write a six page paper I had due on Tuesday. My plan was to get the paper done by a certain time and do some cardio on the Wii but that definitely did not happen. I finished my paper at 11 and crashed hard.

Wednesday 2/2/11:
I had an INCREDIBLE run this night. I did four miles in 1:05, my best time yet! I think I've discovered the secret to getting a pre-run energy boost: smoothies! I had stopped for a smoothie on the way home because I needed a pick me up and didn't want caffeine so I opted for a healthier choice and had a smoothie instead. That gave me energy like no other and not only did I have my best time yet, but I pushed myself a bit harder which was so fun. I think people thought Denise and I were crazy because as soon as I hit that four mile mark and realized I had cut my time down I hit the stop button and started cheering. I needed a good run to make up for some tough runs I've had lately.

Sunday: 2/6/11:
I had eight miles scheduled for yesterday or today and didn't do them. I spent all day yesterday studying before hosting an Arbonne party and then today I went to my cousin's dance recital and spent the day with my family before chaperoning our youth Super Bowl party. The party also meant I ate like crap because I caught myself snacking on all the junk the kids and youth leader had brought and I hadn't had any water today, which also didn't help. I feel so bloated because I didn't eat anything good today and I'm just now drinking water.

The nightmares I've been having lately aren't helping my mental stability either. I'm at a point where tonight, the idea of turning out the lights terrifies me. I had a talk with my mom about them, especially my concerns over the fact that last night's nightmare was about having seizures and she said she thinks a lot of my problem right now is that I'm being way too hard on my body. The running she agrees is good for me but she told me that I need to continue watching what I eat and start getting rest. I've been staying up til all hours studying and then still getting up at 6:30 every morning for work. It's why I crash so hard and so long on the weekends. My body is trying to compensate for the damage I'm doing to it during the week. She told me that when I do finally fall asleep, I crash hard and my body is having trouble distiniguishing whether I'm having a nightmare or whether I'm awake. It's why I can't make myself wake up-I'm just so exhausted that my body simply can't make itself wake up and shake off the nightmares I've been having.

Starting Tuesday night (not tomorrow because I have a midterm Tuesday I plan to study for until at least 11), I'm going to start setting a cut off time for being on the phone, online, and even studying. I need to start getting some rest or I'm going to do some serious damage to my body with all the stress I already put it through when I run long distances. I'm not in college anymore and even though I'm only 26, my body just simply can't handle the late nights anymore. I need to start listening to it and taking care of myself.

I was also going to skip my run tomorrow night since Denise and I run at 9 but I think what I'm going to do is since I typically get off early on Mondays since my class is so low, I'm just going to use that extra little bit of time right after work and head to the gym. I only have to do three miles tomorrow so I can easily get to the gym by 5:30, do my three mile run, and still be home by 7 at the latest after I stretch. That gives me until at least midnight to study and if I don't know the material by then, then I don't know it.

So what have I learned this week even though I only ran one day?? I need to start listening to my body and sleeping when I'm tired at night and keeping myself on a schedule so I don't throw everything off wack. I've also learned that smoothies give me an energy boost before a run so who needs caffeine right?? I think the best thing I came to realize this week is that I'm getting faster and stronger and I will finish this half in May!!

Nightmares

Lately I've been finding myself having nightmares ALL the time. I don't know what's gotten into my head lately but I don't like it. A lot of times I can't remember what the nightmare was and just wake up feeling as if something isn't right and feeling off all day long. Today is different because I actually remember the nightmare and it was like living part of my past all over again.

The summer before 4th grade, I had grand mal seizures. Three of them to be exact. The night they happened, my sister and I were camping out on my parent's bedroom floor because their's was the only room with an air conditioner that ran at night. In the middle of the night, I woke up and thought I was shivering. When I tried to move to pull the blankets up on me, I couldn't move. It was like I was frozen other than the shaking. I called out for my mom and couldn't even get the words out because of the seizure. Luckily my mom knew exactly what was happening because she had gone through this with her dad. She screamed for my dad to call 911 and held my arms down at my side so I couldn't hurt myself as I was having the seizure.

I was taken to the hospital and had all kinds of tests run but the doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me. They sent me for MRI's later that week which came back inconclusive and still had no idea what had happened. In the midst of all this testing, I had several more small seizures before the doctors decided that they should put me on medication. From 4th grade until 7th grade, I was on anti-seizure meds and terrified to go anywhere without my mom because I was afraid it would happen again. We had to tell all of my teachers about it, who then at first tried to treat me differently but since my mom was PTA president, that ended quickly because my teachers knew they'd face her wrath if they kept singling me out. :-P I never spent the night with friends, not even my best friend who lived right behind us because I was terrified it would happen in the middle of the night again and no one would know what to do for me.

In 7th grade, my pediatrician decided that he was going to start weaning me off of the medication to see how my body would react. Since they never found a medical reason for the seizures, he thought maybe my body had outgrown them, since that's what happens in certain cases with kids, especially as they hit puberty. Sure enough, he weaned me off the meds and I've never had another seizure since.

That's what makes last night so terrifying. I honestly felt like I was having a seizure. I kept crying out for my mom but no one was responding. At some point I realized I was dreaming and kept trying to force my eyes open and my body awake but my body wasn't listening. I thought for sure I was truly screaming out loud but since I was at my aunt's and my little cousins were sleeping on the couch and the recliner next to me, I know that I must not have been because they didn't once wake up. It was the most terrifying feeling trying to tell my body to do something and it not responding the way I wanted it to. That's exactly what happened when I had the seizures in elementary school.

Eventually I was able to force my eyes open and my body awake and I just laid on the couch with my heart pounding, terrified to go back to sleep because I was afraid it would happen again. Eventually sleep won out and I did fall back asleep and slept until the kids woke me up about 8ish but it wasn't a restful sleep since I feel completely groggy and out of it right now.

A big part of me knows last night was just a nightmare but a very, very tiny part of me is doubting it and wondering if I did have a small seizure last night. I know that's crazy to say but it's how I feel. This is the second or third time in a couple of weeks ths has happened and I think it's just got me all worked up and unsure of what to think about it. It's just such a terrifying feeling to feel as if you have no control over your body as you try to force yourself awake and feel like you can't move. It was like living that night years ago all over again and that is one night I really don't wish to relive.

Maybe I'll talk to my mom when I get home this afternoon. She's a nurse and should be able to tell me if I was just dreaming or if I should be concerned. I'm just completely freaked out right now. :-/