Today has been a really weird day. It was a good day at work because I only had ten kids all day and had dropped to seven by the time they all got up from nap. However, I couldn't shake this weird feeling I had as if everything was about to change and that something just wasn't right. Then, by the time I got home from work, I was feeling antsy, as if I needed to escape. Had it not been so cold, I would have gone down to my favorite spot on the river to think but the weather turned bitter this afternoon so I came home from work instead.
I think I'm at a crossroads. I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and I'm beginning to realize that I only have a year of school left. I wish I knew what was going on with my internship but my advisor hasn't gotten back to me about whether she's been in touch with the counselor at the school I want to intern at so I don't even know if I should continue to look or if I should keep waiting.
I'm so ready to move past this chapter of my life. I'm over studying, writing papers, and the long commutes to campus every week. I'm ready to settle into my career and see where God takes me next. Things are slowly (and I mean very slowly because it's still a ways off) falling into place for me to move out to Denver. I told Mike tonight on the phone that if I can't find a job in an actual school district (I'm crossing my fingers that's not the case!) that I can always find a preschool job similar to the one I have now until I can find a job in an actual school district. I'm also going to look at jobs in the social services field, though by next year it'll have been four years since I've used that degree. Something will pan out if Denver is truly where God wants me. I just need to be patient and trust that He's going to reveal His plan to me in the coming year.
Right now, I'm finding it hard to live in this moment and cherish this period in my life because I feel as if I've been spending a lot of time on my own. I have another friend on the verge of engagement and while I'm happy for her, I can't help but feel as if I'm losing her. Of course I can't tell her this but I think she's aware of it. Things are changing and as much as I don't like it, I'm starting to get used to all the time I'm spending alone. It's just another reason that it'll be easy for me to move to Denver. I know moving to Denver is not the way to solve this season in my life but at least I know my friends will all be married off and I won't be leaving them alone when I move.
I'm just....I don't even know. I wish I could describe these thoughts and feelings going through my mind. I've been sighing all night and my stepdad kept asking me what was wrong. I can't put into words what I'm feeling. It's not exactly empty, but it's close. I just can't shake the feeling that everything is changing and I'm going to be the one sitting and left behind when it does. I don't know. I don't even know if this makes any sense. I just don't feel right tonight. I thought blogging might help but now I'm just talking myself in circles.
I'm going to bed. Maybe some sleep will help.
1 comment:
Hey girl. I actually know exactly how you feel. Last year, when I was finishing up my internship I was terrified. I couldn't sleep, it's all I thought about. Then everyone started getting jobs and I hadn't been called for an interview. I really wanted to come back to Oviedo but I wasn't counting on that happening. I prayed and prayed, got an interview in Orlando and was stuck waiting for 3 weeks to find out if I got the job or not. Then my old HS called for an interview; I was hired 4 days later. I always knew God would put me where he wanted me and everything would be ok. Just trust in Him. And when you need to talk, I'm here :) <3 ya!
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