Mental health care is OKAY

I was originally going to make this a Facebook post, but then I realized it would become a novel so I decided to break out the blog. Two back to back nights...this never happens! However, I had a therapy session today and some things the counselor said to me are stuck on my mind and writing has always been my outlet, so here I am.

In my line of work, I am a huge advocate for mental health awareness and care. When you work with students five days a week who have been exposed to trauma, how can you not advocate for mental health care? However, what I am learning is that in all the times I advocate for my students, I have not been taking care of myself.

Anyone who knows me, knows that 2018 was a shit storm. That's honestly the best way I can put it. I finally reached a breaking point and asked for a referral to a counselor, a move that was HUGE in my world, but one that is turning out to be rewarding. I've seen her three times since December, with another appointment scheduled for two weeks from now and each time I've come home and cried because I am completely overwhelmed at how it feels to take care of myself. I've been taking care of my physical health for almost two years but haven't stopped to take care of my mental and emotional health. I am one of those people that goes to one of two extremes: I either feel so deeply that it takes over all of my functioning or I go into complete avoidance mode. 99% of the time it's the avoidance route because I don't know what to do when I feel big emotions. Crazy right? I teach my students coping skills but don't know how to take care of myself.

Today I sat in the counselor's office and I spilled out so much anger and hurt and frustration, emotions I didn't even realize I was fully feeling. I've spent so much time pushing them down, that I had zero clue that they existed or that I was struggling with them. She asked me again about what brings me joy and what makes me feel happy and I struggled to answer her question because I honestly don't know. She gave me homework and told me that I need to continue working on setting limits, learning to say no, and that I need to try and focus on the things that bring a smile to my face every day. She encouraged me to carry around a small notebook to record when these big feelings come over me, with instructions to acknowledge them but not to engage until I had time to sit in them.

We talked a lot about my safe place, the place I feel most comfortable and free and my answer was actually surprising when I said it out loud to her. What I am learning in my sessions is that I live my life always feeling as if the other shoe is going to drop and expecting certain people in my life to walk away from me, because it's what I am used to and what I tolerate. I sat on the couch and cried to my mom tonight, telling her that I am realizing where the consistency in my life is and that my safe place is associated with my safe people and that I need to be truthful with both of them, because I am only hurting myself by bottling up these feelings.

The counselor also suggested I make more time for journaling and self care, so I asked two friends to hold me accountable to actually taking that time out for me. I told the counselor I feel guilty at telling people no, because I always worry about disappointing people but I can't continue to fill others if I don't fill myself first. So at least once a week I plan to make time for me, whether it's a bubble bath, taking myself out to dinner, going for hot chocolate, browsing a bookstore, etc. Self care is SO important, especially in my line of work. Plus, living back at home has been an adjustment and I got used to all my solo time and I crave that time and space for myself. There is nothing wrong in needing time alone to recharge and regroup.

Friends, if you are reading this and you are struggling and unsure of how to deal with life, please please take a lesson from my book and allow yourself to see someone. There is zero shame in advocating for your own mental health and admitting that we aren't created to do life alone. This has been the hardest two months in allowing someone into these spaces that I've kept bottled up for so long, but it's been so incredibly rewarding. My mom even reminded me tonight that while it hurts now, there is going to be so much freedom on the other side. My hope is that my story will inspire even one person to realize that we aren't meant to do life alone. Always remember that you are WORTH taking care of. Never feel bad about advocating for yourself. It is the best gift you can give to yourself.

Worthy of love

Last weekend, I spent the weekend in Cleveland with my best friend, unwinding and relaxing after what has felt like a whirlwind crazy past few weeks. He kept telling me he felt like he should be entertaining me, but what I needed last weekend was a weekend to just be. I had told my mentor earlier in the week that I was looking forward to the weekend in Cleveland because I always come home feeling relaxed and I sleep better there than I tend to do at home.

While I was there, we had a conversation that struck me right in the heart. I don't think he quite understands or realizes how much that conversation impacted me, but it's been on my heart for the past week. The details of the conversation aren't important because what he said to me was pretty personal, but it was personal enough that I didn't know how to accept it. In fact, I'm fairly confident I laughed when he said it, which now I feel terrible about. I realized in thinking back on our conversation that the reason I laughed at what he said is because I don't know how to take a compliment. I wanted to disregard what he said to me as not true, when in reality, he seldom has sappy moments on me (I'm the sap out of the two of us) so when he does say those things, I need to remember that he says them for a reason and that he actually means them.

As I've sat on the words he said to me for the past week, I've realized that my problem is that I still don't believe that I am worthy enough to be loved, whether it is from my friends, my family, or even a relationship. Somewhere in my head I struggle to believe that people actually genuinely care about me and that instead, they just "put up with me." It sounds dumb even as I type it, but when I get inside my own head, it gets ugly. This is part of why I am in therapy....to sort all of this stuff out.

I had a conversation with my kindergarten best friend a couple of nights after my Cleveland trip and she spoke some much needed truth into my life. She laughed when I first told her about what I was feeling and even said that means the first 26 years of our friendship mean nothing. HA! But she was quick to remind me that those lies I still hear in my head are just that...lies. She reminded me that the people in my life LOVE ME and don't just "put up with me," as I phrased it. We were texting earlier tonight and she told me that she loved me and then said "By the way, tell your brain I meant that." I had to laugh because I know that she loves me, just like I know all the other people in my life love me. I just need to get out of my own head and fill my heart with truth.

I am thankful in particular tonight for these two friends of mine. To think one friendship has spanned 27 years is insane. I don't even know how I am old enough to have been friends with someone for that long! But I am thankful that when I look back on my life, the good, the bad, the ugly and all the in between, Diana is the one consistent person in my life. Our friendship has survived growing up on the same street, then her moving 30 minutes away and changing schools, me moving four hours away, our college years, her getting married, and so many other things we've been through. She is the person who is and always will be my biggest cheerleader. She tells me how it is, even when I don't want to hear it. She is the person who will cry with me, laugh with me, and pick me up when I need a friend. We go months between visits but it's as if no time at all has changed. We have been through it all together and I am so thankful to say I have a lifelong best friend in her.

As for Vince, well, I still find it odd sometimes that we are friends and he would agree with me. We are six years apart in age, have never lived in the same city in the entire span of our 11 years of friendship, and yet somehow he's become the other half of me I never knew was missing. There is no one who makes me laugh as much as he does, no one who puts me in my place the way he does, and no one who gets my heart the way he does. We get into the most ridiculous shenanigans together, but at the end of the day, when I need someone to sit and listen to me cry and vent or someone to pick me up, he is the person I go to. Our friendship is 100% built on communication since we have never lived in the same city and I think because we had to build our foundation that way, we quickly realized we had something special and we've worked hard to keep that communication open, no matter what life has thrown at us. Life would be so different without him and I am thankful every day for his friendship.

Between Vince and Diana, my life would be so incomplete because I would constantly feel as if something is missing. They are my go to people, the friends who love me right where I am and the friendships that have sustained years, distance, and so many life changes. Both of them will probably laugh at my sappiness but they are both a huge part of the realizations I have been learning, both in counseling and in my reflective quiet times and without them, I wouldn't be the person I am today.