I was originally going to make this a Facebook post, but then I realized it would become a novel so I decided to break out the blog. Two back to back nights...this never happens! However, I had a therapy session today and some things the counselor said to me are stuck on my mind and writing has always been my outlet, so here I am.
In my line of work, I am a huge advocate for mental health awareness and care. When you work with students five days a week who have been exposed to trauma, how can you not advocate for mental health care? However, what I am learning is that in all the times I advocate for my students, I have not been taking care of myself.
Anyone who knows me, knows that 2018 was a shit storm. That's honestly the best way I can put it. I finally reached a breaking point and asked for a referral to a counselor, a move that was HUGE in my world, but one that is turning out to be rewarding. I've seen her three times since December, with another appointment scheduled for two weeks from now and each time I've come home and cried because I am completely overwhelmed at how it feels to take care of myself. I've been taking care of my physical health for almost two years but haven't stopped to take care of my mental and emotional health. I am one of those people that goes to one of two extremes: I either feel so deeply that it takes over all of my functioning or I go into complete avoidance mode. 99% of the time it's the avoidance route because I don't know what to do when I feel big emotions. Crazy right? I teach my students coping skills but don't know how to take care of myself.
Today I sat in the counselor's office and I spilled out so much anger and hurt and frustration, emotions I didn't even realize I was fully feeling. I've spent so much time pushing them down, that I had zero clue that they existed or that I was struggling with them. She asked me again about what brings me joy and what makes me feel happy and I struggled to answer her question because I honestly don't know. She gave me homework and told me that I need to continue working on setting limits, learning to say no, and that I need to try and focus on the things that bring a smile to my face every day. She encouraged me to carry around a small notebook to record when these big feelings come over me, with instructions to acknowledge them but not to engage until I had time to sit in them.
We talked a lot about my safe place, the place I feel most comfortable and free and my answer was actually surprising when I said it out loud to her. What I am learning in my sessions is that I live my life always feeling as if the other shoe is going to drop and expecting certain people in my life to walk away from me, because it's what I am used to and what I tolerate. I sat on the couch and cried to my mom tonight, telling her that I am realizing where the consistency in my life is and that my safe place is associated with my safe people and that I need to be truthful with both of them, because I am only hurting myself by bottling up these feelings.
The counselor also suggested I make more time for journaling and self care, so I asked two friends to hold me accountable to actually taking that time out for me. I told the counselor I feel guilty at telling people no, because I always worry about disappointing people but I can't continue to fill others if I don't fill myself first. So at least once a week I plan to make time for me, whether it's a bubble bath, taking myself out to dinner, going for hot chocolate, browsing a bookstore, etc. Self care is SO important, especially in my line of work. Plus, living back at home has been an adjustment and I got used to all my solo time and I crave that time and space for myself. There is nothing wrong in needing time alone to recharge and regroup.
Friends, if you are reading this and you are struggling and unsure of how to deal with life, please please take a lesson from my book and allow yourself to see someone. There is zero shame in advocating for your own mental health and admitting that we aren't created to do life alone. This has been the hardest two months in allowing someone into these spaces that I've kept bottled up for so long, but it's been so incredibly rewarding. My mom even reminded me tonight that while it hurts now, there is going to be so much freedom on the other side. My hope is that my story will inspire even one person to realize that we aren't meant to do life alone. Always remember that you are WORTH taking care of. Never feel bad about advocating for yourself. It is the best gift you can give to yourself.
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