It's not really that late, but everyone in the house is asleep and I'm tired but refuse to let my eyes close for some reason. I'm spending the night with my cousins but they passed out on me early so I've been playing on my uncle's laptop since my internet at home is so fickle lately.
I went Christmas shopping today with Tym, which was fun. My stepdad is completely finished, as are Logan and Savannah. I need to get one more thing for Makayla, then I have to buy for my mom and my sister. I also got my sister in our immediate family gift exchange so I have to buy something for that too. Other than that, I have a couple of friends to shop for, not that I know what I'm getting anyone.
I really need to get my e-mails sent out about recommendation letters. I need two more for UC, and three for OU. I'm thinking about asking my former boss, three of my OU professors, and then that leaves me with needing one more recommendation, if everyone agrees to it. I'd like to have all the letters back to me by December 20th at the very latest so I can get my applications sent in right after. I started doing my electronic application for UC tonight but got stuck not knowing who my references were so I have to wait to complete it.
I'm so scared of not getting into grad school anywhere, but I was this same way with my undergrad applications. I need to stop stressing because if I'm meant to go back this fall, it will happen. If not, then I'll just apply again for next year. My sister made a comment the other day when I told her how I did on the GRE (I got an 870 unofficially by the way) about how I always underestimate myself and how smart I am.
She's right. I do second guess myself a lot and I think a lot of it stems from my past. I need to stop second guessing everything I do and learn to believe in myself. I think I would be a lot happier if I did so.
Ok, I need to go take the movie out that the girls had in and then I should crash. Night all.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Thanksgiving
I had a wonderful Thanksgiving, full of life, love, laughter, and a family who has loved me as their own for the last eight years. This year was even more special as my cousin Debbie has adopted a baby girl named Anya from Russia, who is just absolutely precious. I'm in love already and can't wait to spend more time with her at Christmas.
However, even with the great part of Thanksgiving, I sit here in shock because I just found out that one of my former clients was stabbed to death last night by his neighbor. I can't even begin to comprehend this and my heart is aching for all of the youth who were friends with him who are going to have to begin working through this. I wish more than anything I could be there for them and offer them support and I can only hope and pray that their new case workers can help them begin to make sense of all of this.
I knew going into my former job that I was working with inner city youth, many of whom have gang connections and have experienced so much violence in their pasts. I just never expected this to happen to someone I knew. You hear about it so often but you always think, "That will never happen to my clients" and then it did. While I wasn't his case worker, I talked with him often enough and knew enough of his past and problems that this is hitting me hard. He wanted so much to change his life and had so many plans for his future. His excitement and passion about wanting to change his life gave me hope only for it to all end tragically. I just can't believe any of this happened...
However, even with the great part of Thanksgiving, I sit here in shock because I just found out that one of my former clients was stabbed to death last night by his neighbor. I can't even begin to comprehend this and my heart is aching for all of the youth who were friends with him who are going to have to begin working through this. I wish more than anything I could be there for them and offer them support and I can only hope and pray that their new case workers can help them begin to make sense of all of this.
I knew going into my former job that I was working with inner city youth, many of whom have gang connections and have experienced so much violence in their pasts. I just never expected this to happen to someone I knew. You hear about it so often but you always think, "That will never happen to my clients" and then it did. While I wasn't his case worker, I talked with him often enough and knew enough of his past and problems that this is hitting me hard. He wanted so much to change his life and had so many plans for his future. His excitement and passion about wanting to change his life gave me hope only for it to all end tragically. I just can't believe any of this happened...
Monday, November 24, 2008
The people who become family
It amazes me how incredibly blessed my life is through the friends in it. Growing up, I had a couple of close friends, people who were my constants because I was afraid to let anyone else in with all the instability in my life. I was content to stay with the few friends who had been there through it all because only they could truly understand me.
However, God had different plans in mind. He moved me four hours from home and out of my comfort zone to a city where I eventually found this amazing circle of friends, people who have learned to love me unconditionally and who I have felt safe enough to disclose my past to.
Tonight, one of those friends called me upset and I dropped everything knowing she needed me. We sat and talked and then went out for half price appetizers with our third and the entire evening left me feeling content, knowing that no matter where life takes us, the three of us are always going to be best friends and we're always going to be there for each other through the ups and downs of our lives.
People make fun of me when I say that I have more than one best friend but it's true. I have one "best friend" who has been my best friend since we were growing up behind each other and who always gets told absolutely everything but I also have other best friends, people I know I can pick up the phone and call and they will understand me. They are the first people I want to be with when I'm upset and want to cry. They are the people who can always bring me up when I'm down and who encourage me when I'm in a valley.
It's impossible to say that I only have one best friend because for me that's just not how it works. Instead, I have an amazing circle of best friends, people I love unconditionally and who show me that same love in return. I am so truly blessed to know that the people who started as friends became my family and that it will always be that way. Sometimes it's just the smallest things that give you those reminders. I hope my best friends know how blessed I am and how much I truly cherish them and I hope I show them that in return. Life would be so different without them.
However, God had different plans in mind. He moved me four hours from home and out of my comfort zone to a city where I eventually found this amazing circle of friends, people who have learned to love me unconditionally and who I have felt safe enough to disclose my past to.
Tonight, one of those friends called me upset and I dropped everything knowing she needed me. We sat and talked and then went out for half price appetizers with our third and the entire evening left me feeling content, knowing that no matter where life takes us, the three of us are always going to be best friends and we're always going to be there for each other through the ups and downs of our lives.
People make fun of me when I say that I have more than one best friend but it's true. I have one "best friend" who has been my best friend since we were growing up behind each other and who always gets told absolutely everything but I also have other best friends, people I know I can pick up the phone and call and they will understand me. They are the first people I want to be with when I'm upset and want to cry. They are the people who can always bring me up when I'm down and who encourage me when I'm in a valley.
It's impossible to say that I only have one best friend because for me that's just not how it works. Instead, I have an amazing circle of best friends, people I love unconditionally and who show me that same love in return. I am so truly blessed to know that the people who started as friends became my family and that it will always be that way. Sometimes it's just the smallest things that give you those reminders. I hope my best friends know how blessed I am and how much I truly cherish them and I hope I show them that in return. Life would be so different without them.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Tithing and budgeting
Today at church we had our annual sermon on tithing. I'll be the first to admit that I don't tithe on a regular basis and that part of my reasoning behind it in my mind is that I'm never sure I can afford to actually give ten percent. I know that as christians were called to give with a cheerful heart but when you live on a student budget, that's hard to do. However, I am no longer a student but I pretty much live off of a little more than minimum wage so I'm hesitant in wanting to give ten percent back to my church.
I could feel God tugging at my heart today, just as He has every year for the last five years during this particular sermon. While I was in Athens it was easy to say that since I wasn't at home, I considered myself a "guest" in the church I attended there, even when I was attending on a regular basis. Now that I'm at home, I know I need to give back to my church family, especially since they have given so much to me in the six years I've been attending there.
Six years-wow. I can't believe it's even been that long. My sixth birthday in Christ was last weekend and I'm still amazed at the constant changes God works in my heart every day. To see how much I've grown leaves me in awe and I love the work God has done in me and through me. That's why I know I need to learn to put myself on a budget and give cheerfully to the church family that has helped me to grow so much in these six years.
I'll be the first to admit that I have a huge impulse spending problem. Yesterday, for instance, I went to Old Navy with Carrie and Katie because Carrie and I were planning on going to Best Buy to get the Twilight soundtrack after. I love Old Navy but knew I didn't really have the money to buy anything. However, I ended up walking out with a shirt and a pair of socks on an impulse. The same went with today. I was in Kroger picking up something my mom needed to make dinner and I ended up buying candy sitting by the register because it was on sale. I didn't need it but I did it on an impulse. I know from working in retail that this is done strategically but the point is is that I should have asked myself if I needed it and the answer would have been no.
Since I took a big pay cut in leaving my former job, now more than ever I need to learn to put myself on a budget and stick to it. When I'm done with this, I plan to balance out my checkbook, pay the two bills that are currently waiting to be paid, and then make out a monthly budget of how much everything is going to cost and how much I make so I know what to budget.
I'm the worst person when it comes to math and sticking to a budget and all of that fun stuff. I can only hope that someday I have a husband who is good at managing this stuff because I don't think I could handle it. However, since I am currently single and independent, I need to learn to do so. I won't be happy about doing it, but it's what I need to do.
I could feel God tugging at my heart today, just as He has every year for the last five years during this particular sermon. While I was in Athens it was easy to say that since I wasn't at home, I considered myself a "guest" in the church I attended there, even when I was attending on a regular basis. Now that I'm at home, I know I need to give back to my church family, especially since they have given so much to me in the six years I've been attending there.
Six years-wow. I can't believe it's even been that long. My sixth birthday in Christ was last weekend and I'm still amazed at the constant changes God works in my heart every day. To see how much I've grown leaves me in awe and I love the work God has done in me and through me. That's why I know I need to learn to put myself on a budget and give cheerfully to the church family that has helped me to grow so much in these six years.
I'll be the first to admit that I have a huge impulse spending problem. Yesterday, for instance, I went to Old Navy with Carrie and Katie because Carrie and I were planning on going to Best Buy to get the Twilight soundtrack after. I love Old Navy but knew I didn't really have the money to buy anything. However, I ended up walking out with a shirt and a pair of socks on an impulse. The same went with today. I was in Kroger picking up something my mom needed to make dinner and I ended up buying candy sitting by the register because it was on sale. I didn't need it but I did it on an impulse. I know from working in retail that this is done strategically but the point is is that I should have asked myself if I needed it and the answer would have been no.
Since I took a big pay cut in leaving my former job, now more than ever I need to learn to put myself on a budget and stick to it. When I'm done with this, I plan to balance out my checkbook, pay the two bills that are currently waiting to be paid, and then make out a monthly budget of how much everything is going to cost and how much I make so I know what to budget.
I'm the worst person when it comes to math and sticking to a budget and all of that fun stuff. I can only hope that someday I have a husband who is good at managing this stuff because I don't think I could handle it. However, since I am currently single and independent, I need to learn to do so. I won't be happy about doing it, but it's what I need to do.
Periods of transition
I decided to start a blog on blogspot because it seems as if all of my friends are transitioning to here, as some of the other places I've blogged have become unreliable as of lately. I also thought that with all the changes happening in my life, maybe a change in my blogging world would be best as well.
Lately I've found myself on this search for who I really think that I am. I've posted notes on facebook about feeling empty and unsure of my purpose and how I wasn't sure of who my friends are and where I'm going in my life. However, the more I've been digging, the more I've realized that I am who I've always been and that no amount of change in my life is going to change that.
After I graduated in the spring from OU, I found myself thrown into my first real world job. I thought it was going to be the perfect fit because I had had an incredible internship. I told myself that it didn't matter that I was going to be working with an age group I've never really enjoyed or that part of my responsibilities were going to be office work. All I cared about was the fact that it was with the same agency I had interned for and I was so excited to share that they had liked me so much they hired me.
However, I quickly discovered that I truly didn't like my job at all. In fact, at times I found that I downright hated it. I loved my clients that I worked with and quickly became attached to several of them. However, I had never wanted to do office work and hated that I had agreed to that as part of my job. After four months on the job, I decided it was time to find something else.
As I job searched, I started thinking about where my passions were and I remembered that I loved kids and had always wanted to work with kids. I interviewed with a local preschool and found myself hired on the spot. For the past three weeks, I have loved every moment of going to work and find myself eager to walk into my classroom and see the faces of kids I've already become attached to. My co-workers are amazing and I'm already beginning to form friendships and love that we hang out outside of work, something that I never experienced at my former job.
With that change also comes the change of school. Leaving OU and entering the real world was culture shock for me. It's weird to think of my friends still going to class and doing homework and papers and studying while I work five days a week and enjoy my weekends to myself. I've found myself yearning to go back and even spent a good chunk of my time this fall running to OU on the weekends, thinking it would fill some of the emptiness inside of me. Instead, I realized I had only been fooling myself.
Now, I'm applying for graduate programs and am actually taking the GRE on Monday morning. I kept telling myself I only wanted to go to OU, that while I was applying to other programs, OU was my top choice. The more I think about it, the more I know that my time at OU is over. I'm still going to apply but I think given a choice between OU and somewhere near home, I'm probably going to stay here. I missed out on so much for the five years I was in Athens and I think it's time to experience life with my family and best friends again. Athens will always hold a dear spot in my heart and since I have friends still at school there, I can visit but my time as an OU student is over. (I say this now but I know that when acceptance and/or rejection letters start rolling in I could be singing a different tune!)
My life is constantly changing but as the changes happen, I've learned to roll with the punches. I have an amazing support system, people who love me and care about me and only want what's best for me. Ultimately it's up to me to make the decisions that will affect my life but I know that I have people who stand behind me who will never let me fall.
Lately I've found myself on this search for who I really think that I am. I've posted notes on facebook about feeling empty and unsure of my purpose and how I wasn't sure of who my friends are and where I'm going in my life. However, the more I've been digging, the more I've realized that I am who I've always been and that no amount of change in my life is going to change that.
After I graduated in the spring from OU, I found myself thrown into my first real world job. I thought it was going to be the perfect fit because I had had an incredible internship. I told myself that it didn't matter that I was going to be working with an age group I've never really enjoyed or that part of my responsibilities were going to be office work. All I cared about was the fact that it was with the same agency I had interned for and I was so excited to share that they had liked me so much they hired me.
However, I quickly discovered that I truly didn't like my job at all. In fact, at times I found that I downright hated it. I loved my clients that I worked with and quickly became attached to several of them. However, I had never wanted to do office work and hated that I had agreed to that as part of my job. After four months on the job, I decided it was time to find something else.
As I job searched, I started thinking about where my passions were and I remembered that I loved kids and had always wanted to work with kids. I interviewed with a local preschool and found myself hired on the spot. For the past three weeks, I have loved every moment of going to work and find myself eager to walk into my classroom and see the faces of kids I've already become attached to. My co-workers are amazing and I'm already beginning to form friendships and love that we hang out outside of work, something that I never experienced at my former job.
With that change also comes the change of school. Leaving OU and entering the real world was culture shock for me. It's weird to think of my friends still going to class and doing homework and papers and studying while I work five days a week and enjoy my weekends to myself. I've found myself yearning to go back and even spent a good chunk of my time this fall running to OU on the weekends, thinking it would fill some of the emptiness inside of me. Instead, I realized I had only been fooling myself.
Now, I'm applying for graduate programs and am actually taking the GRE on Monday morning. I kept telling myself I only wanted to go to OU, that while I was applying to other programs, OU was my top choice. The more I think about it, the more I know that my time at OU is over. I'm still going to apply but I think given a choice between OU and somewhere near home, I'm probably going to stay here. I missed out on so much for the five years I was in Athens and I think it's time to experience life with my family and best friends again. Athens will always hold a dear spot in my heart and since I have friends still at school there, I can visit but my time as an OU student is over. (I say this now but I know that when acceptance and/or rejection letters start rolling in I could be singing a different tune!)
My life is constantly changing but as the changes happen, I've learned to roll with the punches. I have an amazing support system, people who love me and care about me and only want what's best for me. Ultimately it's up to me to make the decisions that will affect my life but I know that I have people who stand behind me who will never let me fall.
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