My stepdad just left to take my beloved puppy to the vet to have her put down. I know it's time but my heart hurts so much. She's been my best friend, my protector, and my heart and soul for the past 14 or 15 years. I don't know what I'm going to do without having her under my feet to trip over anymore, to lay with when I'm sad, and to snuggle up with when I sleep.
Rest in peace Missy. You were my best friend and I will forever miss you.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Falling apart
I'm falling apart tonight. I had an incredible morning at church, getting the chance to speak in all three services about going to Haiti this summer. The church took up a special offering for us and I'm now only $100 short of the technical cost of the trip.
Then I got home and everything fell apart. Typically we only check the mail once a week and my mom had laid my mail on the coffee table for me. As I was going through it, there was an envelope with my name on it and no return address. As soon as I saw the handwriting my blood ran cold. I looked at the postmark and it had come from Florida. It was from my dad, the man I've had NO contact with since my junior year of college in 2007.
Why now? Why now of all times did he decide to contact me? Once again, the letter was the same old stuff he always writes. He always starts it saying he's not going to talk about himself and wants to know how I am and then he goes on and on about his supposed recovery from his addictions and how he's struggling to find forgiveness within himself, blah blah blah. NOT ONCE does he apologize for the hell he put me through growing up. NOT ONCE has he EVER admitted the abuse we went through. NOT ONCE does he apologize for choosing drugs and alcohol over his family.
I knew what to expect and I stupidly opened that envelope anyway. I think there's always a part of me that will hold out hope that he's changed when in reality I know he never will. He had his chance. I don't need him. I have a father now who loves me unconditionally, who has been there for me more in the 11 years I've lived in Cincinnati than my real dad ever was. So why do I keep hoping he'll change? Why do I keep letting him hurt me, after all these years?
I laid on my bed and just cried for about an hour this afternoon. I hate that I let him hurt me. I hate that after one of the greatest mornings ever, he ruined it. I thought I was stronger than this. Why does he still have this hold over me?
All I've done today is mope after writing my school law paper. I feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat and even though it's only 8:30, I'm ready to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head, and just block the world out, even if just for one night.
I hate that he still makes me feel this way. And I hate that there's still a part of me that hopes he'll change and become the dad I've always wanted. I just want to keep the past in the past and every few years, he pops back in and makes me remember everything I've tried to forget.
I didn't need these memories tonight. Not on a night I should be rejoicing about all the good God is doing. Instead, I'm laying on the couch, under my favorite blanket, with memories of the past swirling through my brain. I even skipped my usual Sunday night with my youth kids because I just couldn't put on a happy face tonight.
Damn him. Damn him for the control he still has over me. I hate that I'm not strong enough to just let this roll off my back. I just want to forget and move on. Why does he keep coming back? Why can't he just leave me be?
My heart hurts. And I'm about to cry. It's time for me to go to bed.
Then I got home and everything fell apart. Typically we only check the mail once a week and my mom had laid my mail on the coffee table for me. As I was going through it, there was an envelope with my name on it and no return address. As soon as I saw the handwriting my blood ran cold. I looked at the postmark and it had come from Florida. It was from my dad, the man I've had NO contact with since my junior year of college in 2007.
Why now? Why now of all times did he decide to contact me? Once again, the letter was the same old stuff he always writes. He always starts it saying he's not going to talk about himself and wants to know how I am and then he goes on and on about his supposed recovery from his addictions and how he's struggling to find forgiveness within himself, blah blah blah. NOT ONCE does he apologize for the hell he put me through growing up. NOT ONCE has he EVER admitted the abuse we went through. NOT ONCE does he apologize for choosing drugs and alcohol over his family.
I knew what to expect and I stupidly opened that envelope anyway. I think there's always a part of me that will hold out hope that he's changed when in reality I know he never will. He had his chance. I don't need him. I have a father now who loves me unconditionally, who has been there for me more in the 11 years I've lived in Cincinnati than my real dad ever was. So why do I keep hoping he'll change? Why do I keep letting him hurt me, after all these years?
I laid on my bed and just cried for about an hour this afternoon. I hate that I let him hurt me. I hate that after one of the greatest mornings ever, he ruined it. I thought I was stronger than this. Why does he still have this hold over me?
All I've done today is mope after writing my school law paper. I feel like I could cry at the drop of a hat and even though it's only 8:30, I'm ready to crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head, and just block the world out, even if just for one night.
I hate that he still makes me feel this way. And I hate that there's still a part of me that hopes he'll change and become the dad I've always wanted. I just want to keep the past in the past and every few years, he pops back in and makes me remember everything I've tried to forget.
I didn't need these memories tonight. Not on a night I should be rejoicing about all the good God is doing. Instead, I'm laying on the couch, under my favorite blanket, with memories of the past swirling through my brain. I even skipped my usual Sunday night with my youth kids because I just couldn't put on a happy face tonight.
Damn him. Damn him for the control he still has over me. I hate that I'm not strong enough to just let this roll off my back. I just want to forget and move on. Why does he keep coming back? Why can't he just leave me be?
My heart hurts. And I'm about to cry. It's time for me to go to bed.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Now that it's February...
I suppose now that it's February it's time for an update. I'm probably just going to do bullets because I'm tired and don't really feel up to writing a huge entry.
School:
School is going well. I'm officially registered for my final quarter and graduation is quickly approaching. I take my comprehensive exam to graduate from the counseling program for the second time next Saturday. Am I nervous? Absolutely. I need to pass or I have to petition to the department to write a thesis and I really don't want to have to do that. I did get the all clear to graduate as long as I pass the exam which is an amazing feeling. I can't believe in just a few short months I'll hold my Master's degree in my hands!
Internship:
Words can't even begin to describe how much I love, love, love my internship! I am now pretty much doing my own thing on the days that I'm there. I see a couple of kids regularly and I'm getting ready to start running a study skills group that will run for 7-10 weeks, depending on how much I can come up with curriculum wise. This is going to by my baby and I'm excited to take on such a big challenge.
I also hit a milestone last week and spoke in front of 300 eighth graders. I HATE public speaking with a passion so when Nicole told me she was going to make me present the guidance counselor part of the team meetings we have every quarter, I just looked at her like she was crazy. However, I did it and I did it like a champ! I barely looked at my notes and had the full attention of the kids I was speaking to. When I was finished, I got huge compliments from Nicole, the teachers, and even the principal, who NEVER gives compliments. That was huge for me. The confidence I had afterwards was an incredible feeling. It made getting up and presenting in front of 15 of my peers in class no big deal this week. It also affirmed how much I love the middle school age and how much I want to work with middle schoolers.
Work:
Work is...work. I do have to admit that as much as I'm over working in a preschool, I love that I'm not in a set classroom everyday anymore. Since I only work three days a week because of my internship, I float from room to room depending on where I'm needed. It's given me the chance to get to know all the kids and parents in the building and the constant change means that my patience level has gone up. I'm usually exhausted at the end of the day, but I love that each day is different.
On a career level though, I have officially started the job search for next year! With graduation quickly approaching, schools are beginning their hiring process. I've already applied for a couple of jobs in Denver and one school counseling job here in Cincinnati. I'm scanning job sites and school districts almost daily, hoping to jump on the application as soon as it's posted.
I was certain I'd end up in Denver next year but for many reasons I don't think it's going to happen. I'm still looking and applying but right now, I just feel like Denver isn't meant to happen. I was going to stay with the boys until I could get a place of my own and get on my feet but all of a sudden Mike is acting funny and has become MIA when I try to reach him. Plus, with the plans to go to Haiti, it would make it hard to relocate to Denver this summer. I don't know. Right now, I just believe that for whatever reason, I'm meant to stay in Ohio. If Denver is meant to happen, it will. If not, I'm content with staying here. God has a plan for me, regardless of where I end up at. I firmly believe that. :-)
Church:
I love where I am right now. I'm finally in a small group and I feel like I'm flourishing. My faith is definitely growing, which I love. Last year, my word for the year was believe. I was encouraged to believe that God is who He says He is and that He has big plans for my life. This year, the words I'm praying over are strength and growth. I want my faith to be strengthened and I want to grow. I want to be pushed out of my comfort zone and I want my faith to keep going up instead of getting stuck in some of the valleys I ended up in last year.
The biggest thing that is going to teach me to grow and that will strengthen my faith is going to Haiti. For months as Seth talked about this trip, I kept saying there was no way I was going overseas and no way I was going on a mission trip. I've never felt called to missions before. Well, I'm quickly learning that God has a sense of humor and when you tell Him what you're NOT going to do, He'll quickly tell you what you ARE going to do. :-P
So...I've been praying about Haiti and I'm officially registered for the 10 day trip in July. I started the vaccination process and the next step will be getting started on my passport. I can't believe I'm doing this but God has proven Himself faithful and the support has been rolling in. I'm about $800 short of the amount I have to technically raise, though I added an extra $600 to cover the expense of the vaccinations and passport that I'm paying for out of pocket. I still have about two full weeks before the deadline I put in my support letters and if I haven't raised the money by then, I'll be sending out another round or making some phone calls to do some follow up. I'm trusting God though, and I fully believe the support is going to come through. Once I started praying about this and trusting His plan, the support started rolling in. If God wants me in Haiti in July, He'll make it happen. I believe that. :-)
Believe it or not, I'm no longer afraid of this trip. Okay...well, I am, but only because I'm a picky eater. I fully plan to pack a suitcase with things like crackers and peanut butter to get me through the two weeks I'll be overseas so at least I know I won't go hungry. But, I'm not afraid of what this trip is going to bring. I do think it's going to break me and I have a feeling lots of tears will be shed, but I do think I'm going to grow like crazy by allowing God to take me out of comfortable little Ohio bubble for ten days. I'm nervous, but I'm more excited. I'm looking forward to the good things I know God is going to do on this trip.
Family:
Family is doing well. My newest nephew is growing so quickly! He'll be four months old on the 21st which is just crazy to think about already. He's so handsome and has aunt Heather wrapped around his little finger already. I just can't get enough of him. Logan is going to be eight on the 13th, which also boggles my mind. That means it's been EIGHT YEARS since my freshman year of college! Holy cow, where has the time gone?! He's SO smart and he still melts my heart when he hugs me and tells me he loves me. He's also going to hold such a special place in my heart because he was my first nephew. I love him, Daniel, and Savannah equally but he'll always be my baby. Savannah is going to be six in May and is in kindergarten now. She's full of attitude, all of which comes from my sister! She cracks me up with the stuff that comes out of her mouth. Sometimes I forget she's only five. I tell my sister she's five going on 15. haha
The biggest thing going on in our family right now is that we're talking about putting our dog down. It breaks my heart to even write about this but I just can't keep it bottled up anymore. She's getting old; she's at least 13 years old now I think. She started losing weight, she can't hold her bladder, and now she's having trouble seeing. I can't imagine not having her here but I can't stand the thought that she might be in pain. She's having spells where it seems like she's confused when she goes outside and will go out under the fence and then just circle our driveway like she doesn't know where to be. My mom went outside to get her the other night and she was just sitting between the car and the driveway, just sitting there. I cried myself to sleep last night because my parents brought up the discussion of what we're going to do and I just couldn't talk about it. It makes my heart hurt too much to think about it.
I hate to end on such a sad note but that's all I really have. That's my life in a nutshell. I think I covered the biggert points anyway. I'm sure there's probably more but it's 11:30 on Saturday night and my brain is officially turned off for the night. Hopefully it won't be a month before I update again!
School:
School is going well. I'm officially registered for my final quarter and graduation is quickly approaching. I take my comprehensive exam to graduate from the counseling program for the second time next Saturday. Am I nervous? Absolutely. I need to pass or I have to petition to the department to write a thesis and I really don't want to have to do that. I did get the all clear to graduate as long as I pass the exam which is an amazing feeling. I can't believe in just a few short months I'll hold my Master's degree in my hands!
Internship:
Words can't even begin to describe how much I love, love, love my internship! I am now pretty much doing my own thing on the days that I'm there. I see a couple of kids regularly and I'm getting ready to start running a study skills group that will run for 7-10 weeks, depending on how much I can come up with curriculum wise. This is going to by my baby and I'm excited to take on such a big challenge.
I also hit a milestone last week and spoke in front of 300 eighth graders. I HATE public speaking with a passion so when Nicole told me she was going to make me present the guidance counselor part of the team meetings we have every quarter, I just looked at her like she was crazy. However, I did it and I did it like a champ! I barely looked at my notes and had the full attention of the kids I was speaking to. When I was finished, I got huge compliments from Nicole, the teachers, and even the principal, who NEVER gives compliments. That was huge for me. The confidence I had afterwards was an incredible feeling. It made getting up and presenting in front of 15 of my peers in class no big deal this week. It also affirmed how much I love the middle school age and how much I want to work with middle schoolers.
Work:
Work is...work. I do have to admit that as much as I'm over working in a preschool, I love that I'm not in a set classroom everyday anymore. Since I only work three days a week because of my internship, I float from room to room depending on where I'm needed. It's given me the chance to get to know all the kids and parents in the building and the constant change means that my patience level has gone up. I'm usually exhausted at the end of the day, but I love that each day is different.
On a career level though, I have officially started the job search for next year! With graduation quickly approaching, schools are beginning their hiring process. I've already applied for a couple of jobs in Denver and one school counseling job here in Cincinnati. I'm scanning job sites and school districts almost daily, hoping to jump on the application as soon as it's posted.
I was certain I'd end up in Denver next year but for many reasons I don't think it's going to happen. I'm still looking and applying but right now, I just feel like Denver isn't meant to happen. I was going to stay with the boys until I could get a place of my own and get on my feet but all of a sudden Mike is acting funny and has become MIA when I try to reach him. Plus, with the plans to go to Haiti, it would make it hard to relocate to Denver this summer. I don't know. Right now, I just believe that for whatever reason, I'm meant to stay in Ohio. If Denver is meant to happen, it will. If not, I'm content with staying here. God has a plan for me, regardless of where I end up at. I firmly believe that. :-)
Church:
I love where I am right now. I'm finally in a small group and I feel like I'm flourishing. My faith is definitely growing, which I love. Last year, my word for the year was believe. I was encouraged to believe that God is who He says He is and that He has big plans for my life. This year, the words I'm praying over are strength and growth. I want my faith to be strengthened and I want to grow. I want to be pushed out of my comfort zone and I want my faith to keep going up instead of getting stuck in some of the valleys I ended up in last year.
The biggest thing that is going to teach me to grow and that will strengthen my faith is going to Haiti. For months as Seth talked about this trip, I kept saying there was no way I was going overseas and no way I was going on a mission trip. I've never felt called to missions before. Well, I'm quickly learning that God has a sense of humor and when you tell Him what you're NOT going to do, He'll quickly tell you what you ARE going to do. :-P
So...I've been praying about Haiti and I'm officially registered for the 10 day trip in July. I started the vaccination process and the next step will be getting started on my passport. I can't believe I'm doing this but God has proven Himself faithful and the support has been rolling in. I'm about $800 short of the amount I have to technically raise, though I added an extra $600 to cover the expense of the vaccinations and passport that I'm paying for out of pocket. I still have about two full weeks before the deadline I put in my support letters and if I haven't raised the money by then, I'll be sending out another round or making some phone calls to do some follow up. I'm trusting God though, and I fully believe the support is going to come through. Once I started praying about this and trusting His plan, the support started rolling in. If God wants me in Haiti in July, He'll make it happen. I believe that. :-)
Believe it or not, I'm no longer afraid of this trip. Okay...well, I am, but only because I'm a picky eater. I fully plan to pack a suitcase with things like crackers and peanut butter to get me through the two weeks I'll be overseas so at least I know I won't go hungry. But, I'm not afraid of what this trip is going to bring. I do think it's going to break me and I have a feeling lots of tears will be shed, but I do think I'm going to grow like crazy by allowing God to take me out of comfortable little Ohio bubble for ten days. I'm nervous, but I'm more excited. I'm looking forward to the good things I know God is going to do on this trip.
Family:
Family is doing well. My newest nephew is growing so quickly! He'll be four months old on the 21st which is just crazy to think about already. He's so handsome and has aunt Heather wrapped around his little finger already. I just can't get enough of him. Logan is going to be eight on the 13th, which also boggles my mind. That means it's been EIGHT YEARS since my freshman year of college! Holy cow, where has the time gone?! He's SO smart and he still melts my heart when he hugs me and tells me he loves me. He's also going to hold such a special place in my heart because he was my first nephew. I love him, Daniel, and Savannah equally but he'll always be my baby. Savannah is going to be six in May and is in kindergarten now. She's full of attitude, all of which comes from my sister! She cracks me up with the stuff that comes out of her mouth. Sometimes I forget she's only five. I tell my sister she's five going on 15. haha
The biggest thing going on in our family right now is that we're talking about putting our dog down. It breaks my heart to even write about this but I just can't keep it bottled up anymore. She's getting old; she's at least 13 years old now I think. She started losing weight, she can't hold her bladder, and now she's having trouble seeing. I can't imagine not having her here but I can't stand the thought that she might be in pain. She's having spells where it seems like she's confused when she goes outside and will go out under the fence and then just circle our driveway like she doesn't know where to be. My mom went outside to get her the other night and she was just sitting between the car and the driveway, just sitting there. I cried myself to sleep last night because my parents brought up the discussion of what we're going to do and I just couldn't talk about it. It makes my heart hurt too much to think about it.
I hate to end on such a sad note but that's all I really have. That's my life in a nutshell. I think I covered the biggert points anyway. I'm sure there's probably more but it's 11:30 on Saturday night and my brain is officially turned off for the night. Hopefully it won't be a month before I update again!
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
I'm alive!
I'm alive I swear! Things have been crazy busy since Christmas and I was sick for a couple of days after Christmas so I just haven't had time to write. This is my reminder to myself to update on everything from Haiti to school to church to my words for 2012 and an update on my word from 2011 and so much more. The biggest news to update on is a BIG decision I made concerning this summer and the steps I've taken to getting there. I have a HUGE list in my purse of things I need to update on so my next update will be lengthy. I'm in class until 9:30 tomorrow night (yuck!) so I'll try and update Thursday before we leave for retreat Friday.
Miss you all! Hope everyone is doing well!
Miss you all! Hope everyone is doing well!
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas all! This year my heart hasn't been into Christmas and I think a lot of it is because I wasn't able to buy gifts for anyone in my family because I've been struggling with my finances due to a limited work schedule because of school. It took going to Christmas Eve service last night and the reminder of what the season is truly about to bring me out of my funk. I also love that Christmas fell on a Sunday this year and I got to start my Christmas Day by worshiping with my church family, which is always amazing.
I have so much to update on, especially on my word(s) for 2012. Last year's word was believe and I look forward to doing an update on how I grew by trusting and believing the Lord in 2011. For 2012, I can feel God laying the words strength and growth on my heart and I look forward to writing about what I think those words will bring to my life in 2012. Plus, I owe updates on every major area of my life, from love to school to work.
For now, I'm going to go catch a quick nap before my sister and her boyfriend and the kids come over so the kids can open gifts from my parents. My stomach has been queasy since leaving my cousin's (stupid rolling hills between home and Oxford....now I remember why I typically drive myself. I hate motion sickness. Ugh!) so I'm going to go drink some water and try to sleep it off.
I hope you all had a very, Merry Christmas. :-)
I have so much to update on, especially on my word(s) for 2012. Last year's word was believe and I look forward to doing an update on how I grew by trusting and believing the Lord in 2011. For 2012, I can feel God laying the words strength and growth on my heart and I look forward to writing about what I think those words will bring to my life in 2012. Plus, I owe updates on every major area of my life, from love to school to work.
For now, I'm going to go catch a quick nap before my sister and her boyfriend and the kids come over so the kids can open gifts from my parents. My stomach has been queasy since leaving my cousin's (stupid rolling hills between home and Oxford....now I remember why I typically drive myself. I hate motion sickness. Ugh!) so I'm going to go drink some water and try to sleep it off.
I hope you all had a very, Merry Christmas. :-)
Saturday, December 24, 2011
When one door closes, another opens...
I wasn't going to blog tonight but I just got in from spending time with J, which typically throws me for a loop emotionally. However, he brought his new girlfriend home and I have to admit that as nervous as I was about meeting her, I adore her. I text Evan when I got in and told him I was pretty sure I had just met J's future wife. That's how perfect I think she is for him. It was obvious in the short amount of time I spent with them before she went to bed so we could catch up that he cares more for her in the few months they've been dating than he did for his girlfriend he had at OSU.
It felt good to "officially" close the door on my past with J tonight. Even though I thought that door was closed after the conversation we had in May, it was officially closed tonight. I was even able to joke with him about our past which is always a good sign. I am genuinely happy for him and feel nothing but content at where we stand as friends.
However, as all good friends in my life, he knows me better than I know myself and wasn't afraid to call me out on how I feel right now with another person in my life. It amazes me how even from D.C. he still knows me better than I know myself. It was a geunine relief to be able to share with him how I felt and to have his support. I think out of any of my friends, his opinion ranks right up there with Megan and Vince's. I'm anxious for Vince to be here this coming week to get his feedback too.
I told Evan tonight when I got in that I feel content about where things stand with J and I and that I no longer doubt that God has something amazing planned for me. I can sense it, even if I don't 100 percent know what that plan is yet. I'm going to continue to trust Him and seek His will over my own. I think it's part of why I've been so up and down emotionally lately. I've been letting my head and my heart run away from me and not praying about it or spending time in the Word the way I know I need to be. How can I let God be at the center of any future relationship if I'm not allowing Him to be there before it even begins? After all, He's the one writing my love story right?
I think it will be interesting to see where things go in the next couple of months but for tonight, I am thankful for J and our friendship and how he will always be one of the people who knows me better than I know myself. It's also nice to know that distance doesn't change anything and even though we're both busy with grad school and work, we still have time to be there and support each other and be the friends we've always been. Time and distance mean nothing when it comes to the people who are your best friends.
It felt good to "officially" close the door on my past with J tonight. Even though I thought that door was closed after the conversation we had in May, it was officially closed tonight. I was even able to joke with him about our past which is always a good sign. I am genuinely happy for him and feel nothing but content at where we stand as friends.
However, as all good friends in my life, he knows me better than I know myself and wasn't afraid to call me out on how I feel right now with another person in my life. It amazes me how even from D.C. he still knows me better than I know myself. It was a geunine relief to be able to share with him how I felt and to have his support. I think out of any of my friends, his opinion ranks right up there with Megan and Vince's. I'm anxious for Vince to be here this coming week to get his feedback too.
I told Evan tonight when I got in that I feel content about where things stand with J and I and that I no longer doubt that God has something amazing planned for me. I can sense it, even if I don't 100 percent know what that plan is yet. I'm going to continue to trust Him and seek His will over my own. I think it's part of why I've been so up and down emotionally lately. I've been letting my head and my heart run away from me and not praying about it or spending time in the Word the way I know I need to be. How can I let God be at the center of any future relationship if I'm not allowing Him to be there before it even begins? After all, He's the one writing my love story right?
I think it will be interesting to see where things go in the next couple of months but for tonight, I am thankful for J and our friendship and how he will always be one of the people who knows me better than I know myself. It's also nice to know that distance doesn't change anything and even though we're both busy with grad school and work, we still have time to be there and support each other and be the friends we've always been. Time and distance mean nothing when it comes to the people who are your best friends.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
17 years...
They say when you're young, death doesn't hit you as hard. I, however, don't agree with that fact. I think that death can impact you, regardless of how old you are. The pain may fade, but the memories never do.
17 years ago today, our family lost an amazing man. My grandpa was the light of our world and the person who made our Christmas season incredible. He was in the Army, so they moved around a lot but Christmas was the one holiday he never let go by without a huge celebration. We would decorate their tree shortly after Thanksgiving and then it was go time. We would bake cookies for weeks, decorate like crazy, watch all kinds of Christmas specials, and sing ridiculous Christmas songs. Christmas was his favorite holiday and it quickly became ours too. No one celebrated Christmas the way my grandpa did and he made sure each of his grandchildren felt special, something that was not an easy feat because there were SO many of us. However, we each got individual attention and we loved it. We soaked in our grandpa time and cherished those moments.
I'll never forget getting the phone call that changed our world. On December 10, 1994, my mom got a phone call saying she needed to get to the hospital. We were rushed to my aunt's and hours later, when my parents came back to get us, my mom told us he was gone. That was the first funeral I ever really remember attending and I cried throughout the whole thing. I remember telling myself I had to be strong for my mom and not let her see me cry but I couldn't help it. I just couldn't imagine what life was going to be like without him.
I was 10 years old and already my world was shaken and turned upside down. That first Christmas without him, just weeks later, hurt. A year later, the pain was still fresh. Christmas to this day, 17 years later, still isn't the same without him. My mom has tried. Every year she says to us, "This will be the year I go all out again," and then, when it comes time to pull the decorations out, she just can't do it. We still decorate and we still celebrate Christmas, but it will never hold the same feeling. Christmas lost some of it's magic when we lost this special man.
I may be 27 years old now, but I still sleep with the teddy bear he gave me just before he died. We had had a mini family celebration early and he had given each of us grandkids something special to have before Christmas. Mine was a teddy bear wearing a red suit and a striped hat. I never expected the night he gave it to me that it would be the last night we saw him alive or the last gift I would ever get from him. It doesn't matter how old I get, that teddy bear will always hold a special place in my heart. It has seen me through many tear filled nights, broken hearts, fights with my parents and my sister, and all the joyous occasions such as getting into college, giving my heart to the Lord, and secrets told to best friends. I even took it with me to college, something my friends made fun of me for, but something that made me content because when I was homesick, I would hug it and cry into it, and feel peace that I couldn't otherwise feel.
So the pain may fade, but the memories never do. I still miss him, everyday, but Christmas is the hardest time of year. My mom and I spent today curled up in our memories on the couch before I had the distraction of baby-sitting to keep me occupied. Now, with the kids in bed, he's on my mind. I wish he could see how far we've come. I wish he could see how much my mom grew and how strong she became when she made the choice to leave my abusive father. I wish he could see how amazing of a mom my sister is and meet his amazing great-grandchildren. I wish he could see the woman I've become and feel proud of the accomplishments I've gained. I wish he had had the chance to meet Glenn and know how well he's taking care of our family and how loves us as his own. I think he would be proud of where we are now and how well we're doing.
I miss him. So much. It may have been 17 years, but this time of year it still hurts. I love you grandpa. Save a place for me in Heaven. I'll be there soon.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbsBUf9VKyc&ob=av2e
Save A Place For Me
Matthew West
Don't be mad
If I cry
It just hurts so bad, sometimes
'Cause everyday it's sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again
You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world off your shoulders now
I'm dreaming of the day when I'm finally there with you
(Chorus)
Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
I have asked the questions why
But I guess the answers for another time
So instead I pray, with every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here
(Chorus)
I wanna live my life Just like you did
Make the most of my time Just like you did
And I want to make my home up in the sky Just like you did
Oh, but until I get there...
Until I get there...
(Chorus)
17 years ago today, our family lost an amazing man. My grandpa was the light of our world and the person who made our Christmas season incredible. He was in the Army, so they moved around a lot but Christmas was the one holiday he never let go by without a huge celebration. We would decorate their tree shortly after Thanksgiving and then it was go time. We would bake cookies for weeks, decorate like crazy, watch all kinds of Christmas specials, and sing ridiculous Christmas songs. Christmas was his favorite holiday and it quickly became ours too. No one celebrated Christmas the way my grandpa did and he made sure each of his grandchildren felt special, something that was not an easy feat because there were SO many of us. However, we each got individual attention and we loved it. We soaked in our grandpa time and cherished those moments.
I'll never forget getting the phone call that changed our world. On December 10, 1994, my mom got a phone call saying she needed to get to the hospital. We were rushed to my aunt's and hours later, when my parents came back to get us, my mom told us he was gone. That was the first funeral I ever really remember attending and I cried throughout the whole thing. I remember telling myself I had to be strong for my mom and not let her see me cry but I couldn't help it. I just couldn't imagine what life was going to be like without him.
I was 10 years old and already my world was shaken and turned upside down. That first Christmas without him, just weeks later, hurt. A year later, the pain was still fresh. Christmas to this day, 17 years later, still isn't the same without him. My mom has tried. Every year she says to us, "This will be the year I go all out again," and then, when it comes time to pull the decorations out, she just can't do it. We still decorate and we still celebrate Christmas, but it will never hold the same feeling. Christmas lost some of it's magic when we lost this special man.
I may be 27 years old now, but I still sleep with the teddy bear he gave me just before he died. We had had a mini family celebration early and he had given each of us grandkids something special to have before Christmas. Mine was a teddy bear wearing a red suit and a striped hat. I never expected the night he gave it to me that it would be the last night we saw him alive or the last gift I would ever get from him. It doesn't matter how old I get, that teddy bear will always hold a special place in my heart. It has seen me through many tear filled nights, broken hearts, fights with my parents and my sister, and all the joyous occasions such as getting into college, giving my heart to the Lord, and secrets told to best friends. I even took it with me to college, something my friends made fun of me for, but something that made me content because when I was homesick, I would hug it and cry into it, and feel peace that I couldn't otherwise feel.
So the pain may fade, but the memories never do. I still miss him, everyday, but Christmas is the hardest time of year. My mom and I spent today curled up in our memories on the couch before I had the distraction of baby-sitting to keep me occupied. Now, with the kids in bed, he's on my mind. I wish he could see how far we've come. I wish he could see how much my mom grew and how strong she became when she made the choice to leave my abusive father. I wish he could see how amazing of a mom my sister is and meet his amazing great-grandchildren. I wish he could see the woman I've become and feel proud of the accomplishments I've gained. I wish he had had the chance to meet Glenn and know how well he's taking care of our family and how loves us as his own. I think he would be proud of where we are now and how well we're doing.
I miss him. So much. It may have been 17 years, but this time of year it still hurts. I love you grandpa. Save a place for me in Heaven. I'll be there soon.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbsBUf9VKyc&ob=av2e
Save A Place For Me
Matthew West
Don't be mad
If I cry
It just hurts so bad, sometimes
'Cause everyday it's sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again
You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world off your shoulders now
I'm dreaming of the day when I'm finally there with you
(Chorus)
Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I'll be there soon
I'll be there soon
I have asked the questions why
But I guess the answers for another time
So instead I pray, with every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here
(Chorus)
I wanna live my life Just like you did
Make the most of my time Just like you did
And I want to make my home up in the sky Just like you did
Oh, but until I get there...
Until I get there...
(Chorus)
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