Sore

Oh my goodness my abs are soooo sore! I worked out the other night with a trainer at the gym and then did an hour and a half workout yesterday with Adrienne, followed by taking a yoga class this morning. I am definitely feeling all of my workouts today! Everytime I laugh or cough I can feel it in my abs but I love it!

Joining a gym has probably been the best move that I've made in a long time. I'm taking a dance class called Zumba on Saturday morning and then a combo pilates/yoga class called Groupcentergy on Sunday after church. I am so so so excited that I'm actually enjoying working out. It's been a long time since I've been this motivated or felt this good. This was definitely a good decision.

What's everyones plans for New Year's Eve? I'm starting mine off by helping with a youth lock in at church, then going to my aunt and uncle's party for a bit, maybe swinging by Britt's house, and then ending my night with a sleepover at Megan's. It should be a good time.

Happy New Year everyone!

I need a new car

My car is in the shop....again. This is like the millionth time in two years. This time, my transmission line busted, my outer tie rod was about to pop off, and apparently I'm leaking oil from several places, the worst of which is my oil pan and it was causing my car to smoke. My mechanic fixed the transmission and the tie rod and I gave him the okay to fix at least the oil pan so I'm looking at roughly $650 right now.

I wish I could afford a new car. All of this is going on my credit card because I can't afford to fix it. By the time it's done, I'm only going to have about $300 left on my credit card. I really wish I could find a new newer car and be done with this one. *sigh*

What a way to end 2008. :-/

Sold

I'm officially sold on Fitworks. Megan and I have worked out twice now and I'm already feeling tonight's workout. My leg muscles are sore, but it's a good sore. I'm looking forward to this whole working out on a regular basis thing.

We're going tomorrow evening to complete all of our paperwork and talk to Melissa about the goals we have for ourselves and all that fun stuff. I told Megan that going to Fitworks is nothing like going to the gym on campus at school and I don't feel the least bit intimidated working out at Fitworks because everyone is doing their own thing and no one is staring at you. I like that.

Tomorrow's goal is to officially finish my UC application, send in my GRE score and request transcripts, and have everything in place before NYE. Oh and find out about my car, which is in the shop...again. :-/

I can't believe 2008 is almost over. This is crazy!

Getting healthy

Megan and I went to Fitworks tonight to get some information since Britt had told us they were running a membership special. Vince used to work at the one in Mentor and told me that he liked it and once we walked in and met with Melissa to get information, I was sold. I've always been intimidated by gyms but I actually felt comfortable at Fitworks. I was impressed with the programs and the equipment and it just felt like a good fit.

Melissa gave us a month long guest pass to use so Megan and I are headed there tomorrow to work out and see how we like it. I have a feeling we'll end up joining before the week is over. :-)

I need to get serious about being healthy. I went shopping today and while my shirt size keeps dropping, I've hit a plateau with my pant size. Don't get me wrong-I'm pleased I've dropped two pant sizes in the last year, but I would love to lose even more. At this point, I'm still overweight so I think joining a gym and having accountability will be good for me. We'll see how it works out.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas everyone! I've already been up since 6:15 when my nephew came in and jumped on me and told me Santa had been to our house. The kids were too cute opening their gifts and it makes me appreciate Christmas so much more just watching them.

We opened our gifts last night so the kids could have today to themselves and I'm pleased with what I got. I actually fell asleep watching Rent last night since my parents got it for me for Christmas. I also got gift cards to two of my favorite stores to go shopping so I'm excited about that. :-)

I missed Christmas Eve services at church because once again I don't really feel good. My ear has been bothering me again and now so is my throat so I skipped church, helped my sister and brother in law put music on their new ipods, and then went to bed.

I actually think I might be headed back to bed here shortly for a "nap" until we leave to go to Oxford for Christmas dinner. I hope you all have a very Merry Christmas!

Internet dating

This blog is going to be completely random and out of nowhere, but it's something that comes to mind a lot, especially with all of the ads on facebook and my other blogging sites.

Does anyone besides me pay attention to the fact that there are a lot of internet dating site ads on facebook? On my particular facebook, I seem to get Christian related ones and (I can't believe I'm about to admit this) tonight out of curiosity I clicked on one. My mom and stepdad met on the internet, but through a divorce support chat room so I've always been curious about internet dating and am vocal about supporting it even as others shoot it down.

So anyway, I was purusing this one particular website tonight and stumbled across the profile of a very attractive (in my opinion) man who just recently graduated from a local college and is going back to school in Jaunary for a masters in counseling. Since he listed his first name and where he had attended college at, it wasn't hard to track him down on facebook and his facebook profile just happened to be public so out of curiosity (I swear I'm not a stalker!) I was looking at it and couldn't help but be intrigued by his interests and his professional goals. We also happened to have a couple of friends in common as well.

That's where I stopped. I contemplated sending him a facebook message because though I created a free profile on this particular site, I didn't want to have to pay to communicate through there. However, I didn't want it to seem creepy that I was contacting him through facebook after seeing his profile on this dating website.

I'm not opposed to meeting my future spouse through the internet and I'm not saying that this guy is even remotely "the one" but I was curious about others opinions on internet dating and these dating websites and what not. I won't lie and say I'm not intrigued by this guy because I am, but really, how weird is it to connect through dating sites and facebook?

(Now that I've written all this, I'll probably come back later and delete it just because I can't believe I'm even baring my heart like this!)

Connections

Have you ever had a connection with somebody, one you know will last forever? I'm not talking in a romantic sense, just in a sense that there's one person in the world who will always know you better than you know yourself. It's that feeling of looking into their eyes and seeing your whole history and knowing they'll always love you, regardless of the stupid choices and mistakes you make along the way.

I have someone like that in my life, someone who has come and gone over the years, but no matter how long it's been, when I look into their eyes, I feel safe. It's this whole feeling of knowing that no matter what happens, somehow, with them, things will always be okay.

I had forgotten until tonight what that feels like but somehow, after tonight, my whole world feels as if it's right again. I like that.

Really?!?

So my body apparently hates me. This is the conclusion I came to around 1:30 or so this morning when my right ear was throbbing in pain. Just for the record, the infection is in my left ear but what started as a single ear infection has now turned into a double ear infection. Blah.

I've spent all day asking people to repeat what they've said because I can't hear out of either one of my ears very well. I'm really hoping at least one pops before the staff Christmas party tomorrow night or that could be entertaining.

I just have to say that my two year old niece is the cutest thing ever. I love hearing the new phrases she comes up with and the stories she has to tell me when I get home from work. Oh and my nephew tells fun stories too. I love them. :-)

Ok, I'm off to Christmas shop with Megan. I should hopefully be completely finished tonight!

Ear infection and thanks

First off, a huge thank you to my wonderful bbff who re-did my blog for me while I was sick! I absolutely love it!

Second, I wish I could say I feel better but that would be a lie. I do feel a little bit better but I went to urgent care tonight (yeah I need to work on getting health insurance asap because that visit cost me $95!) and the official diagnosis is an ear infection. Apparently it's bad enough that I actually ruptured something in my ear but it's a very small perforation and once the antibiotics begin working, it'll heal itself.

I took the first round at 8:30 and I can already feel them working. My ear is working to clear itself and it feels like it's trying to pop but has yet to actually do so.

I feel horrible because I went out yesterday (I actually went Christmas shopping with Adrienne) and then we met up with Tym, Amy, and Michelle at Bdubs later last night but I was only able to stay for an hour because my ear started hurting so badly. I'm amazed I was able to drive home I was in so much pain.

I was up pretty much all night last night because it hurt so bad but whatever was in my ear ruptured and the pain subsided enough to let me sleep. Hopefully tonight I'll get a good night's sleep since the pain is gone. I definitely overdid it yesterday though by going shopping and then out with friends.

Alright, I'm off to shower and read before bed. Thanks again to Megan! :-)

The blog fairy attacked....

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While heather has been sick in bed :(

the blog fairy has been hard at work.

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Sick

I've been home sick for the last two days. I was offered overtime this week and Monday was the only day I got it. Sadly, that four and a half extra hours of overtime is just making up for part of the time I've been sick and I'm actually losing hours on this paycheck now. *sigh*

I had plans to go back to work today and my stomach thought otherwise this morning. Now of course I feel fine and I could probably have gone. Oh well. I just hope my boss isn't too upset, especially since we were down a teacher this week already due to her honeymoon.

Alright, I'm going to go lay on the couch and maybe eventually find the energy to take a shower and get out of the house for a little bit later.

Nothing

I have done nothing this weekend. And by nothing, I truly mean nothing! I have not left my house since Friday when I went to the grocery store right after work. I have had no energy or motivation to really want to do anything.

It's actually been kind of nice not seeing people. I've been turning people down left and right who have wanted to hang out and I was actually even glad when Carrie told me she was busy today after I had asked her if she wanted to go Christmas shopping because by the time she text me back, I had even lost the motivation to do that.

Tomorrow begins my crazy week at work. Monday-Wednesday I'm working 7:30-6 everyday and then going back to my normal 12-6 Thursday and Friday unless they need me early again. It's going to be hell waking up early to make sure my car has de-iced itself before I leave but the extra money for Christmas and bills will be nice.

Alright, I'm off to once again do nothing productive and then go to bed early since I have to work early tomorrow.

Loneliness

I've come to the conclusion that even at 24, even after three years of Reslife, and even after having friends who are known for being outgoing, I still struggle to meet new people. I have this tendency to think that when I meet someone new who is introduced to me through a friend, they are not my friends, but just the friends of a friend. This thought makes me stand on the outside looking in and unsure of where I stand.

For the last few weeks (maybe longer actually) I've been attending Cru at UC with Tym and it's been an amazing experience. Week after week I keep hearing messages that I know God wants me to hear on that particular night. Each message speaks directly to my heart and touches on an area I'm struggling with at that particular moment.

Tonight's message was about Christmas and how God fits into Christmas but Catherine made a comment about how the holidays can sometimes be hard for all of us due to various things we may be struggling with, such as loneliness.

That's when I had an aha moment. As soon as those words came out of her mouth, I'm pretty sure I lost track of everything else she may have spoken about. Luckily, that keyword came towards the end so I didn't miss much but she did give us an opportunity to pray about what we were feeling. As I took those few moments and turned my heart towards God, I could feel that I needed to step out on faith and try to ease this loneliness by reaching out.

That's exactly what I did. As I talked with Tym and some other people at the end of Cru, I kept waiting for the perfect moment to go talk to Catherine. At first I didn't think it was going to happen, as she always seemed to be in conversation with someone but I finally noticed a moment when she was alone. I almost talked myself out of it, telling myself I was crazy and that this feeling would pass. But then I realized if I didn't seize the moment, I'd end up regretting it.

As I approached Catherine and asked her if we could talk, I had to tell myself not to start crying. Reaching out is not something that comes easily for me, especially when I'm reaching out to someone I don't really know. I even explained this all to Catherine who understood so well and helped me to put into words what I was feeling. I explained to her about applying to UC, about wanting to get plugged in, and about the loneliness I'd been feeling. I told her I felt I needed accountability from someone other than just Tym, as he's a guy and can't always understand. She talked about various options with me and then encouraged me to keep in touch with her and to keep trying to get plugged in.

Tonight was not easy for me at all. To reach out and talk with someone I don't know is something I don't normally do. However, I know God has led me to Cru for a reason and I know that in order to get the most out of it, I need to get plugged in and start trying to meet new people. I need to get over this fear of meeting new people and being afraid of what they think. I wish this came easier to me but it doesn't. However, I need to learn to keep trusting and to know that God knows what is best for me and when He leads me somewhere, He is not going to let me fall without a safety net. It still doesn't mean it's going to be easy though.

On love and dating

This is a topic that has been on my mind a lot lately. At the age of 24, I can now understand how big of an impact society plays in love and dating. Stereotypes lead society to believe that by the age of 24 you should be settling down and getting married and possibly even be having kids. If you're not, then obviously something is wrong with you.

I do not fit any of the criteria above. I am not dating someone, I am obviously not married, and I am nowhere near having children. Don't get me wrong-I want all of that someday and I want to believe that because it is a desire of my heart, that God is going to fulfill it. However, I know God's ways aren't always my ways and it could very well be that He may not have someone for me.

Truthfully, am I going to be okay with that? In time maybe. However, right now, the idea of not getting married and having a family someday hurts. It hurts a lot. My friends like to blow me off when I talk about not being in a dating relationship and how uncertain I am that God has that perfect someone out there for me. What they don't understand is how much it truthfully hurts to know that just because it's a desire of my heart, doesn't mean it's a desire of God's heart.

Last week, I was subbing in kindergarten for the third day in a row and I had a conversation with one of the 4 year old girls from the class across the hall. She was sitting in my lap and we were reading a book when she looked up at me and asked me if I was married. I lightly laughed and replied with, "No K, I'm not married." She then asked me why not and I told her I hadn't found Mr. Right yet. She told me that she thought I needed to get married and should go out that weekend and get married. I just laughed again and sent her on to another activity.

That conversation has stuck with me ever since. Trust a 4 year old to get right to the heart of the matter. Kids are so perceptive to how we truly feel and part of me is amazed that she seemed to pick up on my loneliness. Then again, it could have been because the older kids were doing the whole "chase the boy/girl you like and tell them they're your boyfriend/girlfriend." Either way, this loneliness has been making my heart hurt since the day I had this conversation with her.

I went on a date last week. Well, actually, I'm still trying to decide if it was a date. Everyone at work seems to think it was, along with my family, but I never can tell with these things. Either way, while I had a great time, part of the evening was just awkward, especially when he was always putting his arm around me. That night gave me the affirmation that we are only meant to be friends and nothing more than that.

I've known that for awhile but man, another dead end. I never expected more than that but sometimes I wish I had a crystal ball and could see the future. Maybe it would make this time of loneliness easier. I don't know.

Yesterday, I went out to lunch with a bunch of the college kids who were home for Thanksgiving weekend. On the way home, when Joe stopped for gas, I stared out the window at the rain and for some reason, memories of another drive and another person came rushing back and it was all I could think of. His face haunted me for the rest of the afternoon and even through part of today when I let myself think about him.

I don't know what triggered the memory. Usually it's a song, like now, that make me think of him, but there was nothing in particular that made me think of him or the memories we've created. I had been having an amazing time and loving every minute of being with some incredible people only to have it all come toppling down by memories of a person who clearly doesn't care as much about me as I do about him.

Sometimes, the loneliness just hits. And when it hits, it hits big time. I'm trying to trust in God and trust His timing, but the hardest part of it all is not being able to talk with my friends about it because they constantly tell me I'm ridiculous for worrying about this subject. If only I could get them to step inside my head for one day and to see how I feel. Then maybe they'd understand. Until then, I'll just keep writing and praying and waiting it all out.

Late night thoughts

It's not really that late, but everyone in the house is asleep and I'm tired but refuse to let my eyes close for some reason. I'm spending the night with my cousins but they passed out on me early so I've been playing on my uncle's laptop since my internet at home is so fickle lately.

I went Christmas shopping today with Tym, which was fun. My stepdad is completely finished, as are Logan and Savannah. I need to get one more thing for Makayla, then I have to buy for my mom and my sister. I also got my sister in our immediate family gift exchange so I have to buy something for that too. Other than that, I have a couple of friends to shop for, not that I know what I'm getting anyone.

I really need to get my e-mails sent out about recommendation letters. I need two more for UC, and three for OU. I'm thinking about asking my former boss, three of my OU professors, and then that leaves me with needing one more recommendation, if everyone agrees to it. I'd like to have all the letters back to me by December 20th at the very latest so I can get my applications sent in right after. I started doing my electronic application for UC tonight but got stuck not knowing who my references were so I have to wait to complete it.

I'm so scared of not getting into grad school anywhere, but I was this same way with my undergrad applications. I need to stop stressing because if I'm meant to go back this fall, it will happen. If not, then I'll just apply again for next year. My sister made a comment the other day when I told her how I did on the GRE (I got an 870 unofficially by the way) about how I always underestimate myself and how smart I am.

She's right. I do second guess myself a lot and I think a lot of it stems from my past. I need to stop second guessing everything I do and learn to believe in myself. I think I would be a lot happier if I did so.

Ok, I need to go take the movie out that the girls had in and then I should crash. Night all.

Thanksgiving

I had a wonderful Thanksgiving, full of life, love, laughter, and a family who has loved me as their own for the last eight years. This year was even more special as my cousin Debbie has adopted a baby girl named Anya from Russia, who is just absolutely precious. I'm in love already and can't wait to spend more time with her at Christmas.

However, even with the great part of Thanksgiving, I sit here in shock because I just found out that one of my former clients was stabbed to death last night by his neighbor. I can't even begin to comprehend this and my heart is aching for all of the youth who were friends with him who are going to have to begin working through this. I wish more than anything I could be there for them and offer them support and I can only hope and pray that their new case workers can help them begin to make sense of all of this.

I knew going into my former job that I was working with inner city youth, many of whom have gang connections and have experienced so much violence in their pasts. I just never expected this to happen to someone I knew. You hear about it so often but you always think, "That will never happen to my clients" and then it did. While I wasn't his case worker, I talked with him often enough and knew enough of his past and problems that this is hitting me hard. He wanted so much to change his life and had so many plans for his future. His excitement and passion about wanting to change his life gave me hope only for it to all end tragically. I just can't believe any of this happened...

The people who become family

It amazes me how incredibly blessed my life is through the friends in it. Growing up, I had a couple of close friends, people who were my constants because I was afraid to let anyone else in with all the instability in my life. I was content to stay with the few friends who had been there through it all because only they could truly understand me.

However, God had different plans in mind. He moved me four hours from home and out of my comfort zone to a city where I eventually found this amazing circle of friends, people who have learned to love me unconditionally and who I have felt safe enough to disclose my past to.

Tonight, one of those friends called me upset and I dropped everything knowing she needed me. We sat and talked and then went out for half price appetizers with our third and the entire evening left me feeling content, knowing that no matter where life takes us, the three of us are always going to be best friends and we're always going to be there for each other through the ups and downs of our lives.

People make fun of me when I say that I have more than one best friend but it's true. I have one "best friend" who has been my best friend since we were growing up behind each other and who always gets told absolutely everything but I also have other best friends, people I know I can pick up the phone and call and they will understand me. They are the first people I want to be with when I'm upset and want to cry. They are the people who can always bring me up when I'm down and who encourage me when I'm in a valley.

It's impossible to say that I only have one best friend because for me that's just not how it works. Instead, I have an amazing circle of best friends, people I love unconditionally and who show me that same love in return. I am so truly blessed to know that the people who started as friends became my family and that it will always be that way. Sometimes it's just the smallest things that give you those reminders. I hope my best friends know how blessed I am and how much I truly cherish them and I hope I show them that in return. Life would be so different without them.

Tithing and budgeting

Today at church we had our annual sermon on tithing. I'll be the first to admit that I don't tithe on a regular basis and that part of my reasoning behind it in my mind is that I'm never sure I can afford to actually give ten percent. I know that as christians were called to give with a cheerful heart but when you live on a student budget, that's hard to do. However, I am no longer a student but I pretty much live off of a little more than minimum wage so I'm hesitant in wanting to give ten percent back to my church.

I could feel God tugging at my heart today, just as He has every year for the last five years during this particular sermon. While I was in Athens it was easy to say that since I wasn't at home, I considered myself a "guest" in the church I attended there, even when I was attending on a regular basis. Now that I'm at home, I know I need to give back to my church family, especially since they have given so much to me in the six years I've been attending there.

Six years-wow. I can't believe it's even been that long. My sixth birthday in Christ was last weekend and I'm still amazed at the constant changes God works in my heart every day. To see how much I've grown leaves me in awe and I love the work God has done in me and through me. That's why I know I need to learn to put myself on a budget and give cheerfully to the church family that has helped me to grow so much in these six years.

I'll be the first to admit that I have a huge impulse spending problem. Yesterday, for instance, I went to Old Navy with Carrie and Katie because Carrie and I were planning on going to Best Buy to get the Twilight soundtrack after. I love Old Navy but knew I didn't really have the money to buy anything. However, I ended up walking out with a shirt and a pair of socks on an impulse. The same went with today. I was in Kroger picking up something my mom needed to make dinner and I ended up buying candy sitting by the register because it was on sale. I didn't need it but I did it on an impulse. I know from working in retail that this is done strategically but the point is is that I should have asked myself if I needed it and the answer would have been no.

Since I took a big pay cut in leaving my former job, now more than ever I need to learn to put myself on a budget and stick to it. When I'm done with this, I plan to balance out my checkbook, pay the two bills that are currently waiting to be paid, and then make out a monthly budget of how much everything is going to cost and how much I make so I know what to budget.

I'm the worst person when it comes to math and sticking to a budget and all of that fun stuff. I can only hope that someday I have a husband who is good at managing this stuff because I don't think I could handle it. However, since I am currently single and independent, I need to learn to do so. I won't be happy about doing it, but it's what I need to do.

Periods of transition

I decided to start a blog on blogspot because it seems as if all of my friends are transitioning to here, as some of the other places I've blogged have become unreliable as of lately. I also thought that with all the changes happening in my life, maybe a change in my blogging world would be best as well.

Lately I've found myself on this search for who I really think that I am. I've posted notes on facebook about feeling empty and unsure of my purpose and how I wasn't sure of who my friends are and where I'm going in my life. However, the more I've been digging, the more I've realized that I am who I've always been and that no amount of change in my life is going to change that.

After I graduated in the spring from OU, I found myself thrown into my first real world job. I thought it was going to be the perfect fit because I had had an incredible internship. I told myself that it didn't matter that I was going to be working with an age group I've never really enjoyed or that part of my responsibilities were going to be office work. All I cared about was the fact that it was with the same agency I had interned for and I was so excited to share that they had liked me so much they hired me.

However, I quickly discovered that I truly didn't like my job at all. In fact, at times I found that I downright hated it. I loved my clients that I worked with and quickly became attached to several of them. However, I had never wanted to do office work and hated that I had agreed to that as part of my job. After four months on the job, I decided it was time to find something else.

As I job searched, I started thinking about where my passions were and I remembered that I loved kids and had always wanted to work with kids. I interviewed with a local preschool and found myself hired on the spot. For the past three weeks, I have loved every moment of going to work and find myself eager to walk into my classroom and see the faces of kids I've already become attached to. My co-workers are amazing and I'm already beginning to form friendships and love that we hang out outside of work, something that I never experienced at my former job.

With that change also comes the change of school. Leaving OU and entering the real world was culture shock for me. It's weird to think of my friends still going to class and doing homework and papers and studying while I work five days a week and enjoy my weekends to myself. I've found myself yearning to go back and even spent a good chunk of my time this fall running to OU on the weekends, thinking it would fill some of the emptiness inside of me. Instead, I realized I had only been fooling myself.

Now, I'm applying for graduate programs and am actually taking the GRE on Monday morning. I kept telling myself I only wanted to go to OU, that while I was applying to other programs, OU was my top choice. The more I think about it, the more I know that my time at OU is over. I'm still going to apply but I think given a choice between OU and somewhere near home, I'm probably going to stay here. I missed out on so much for the five years I was in Athens and I think it's time to experience life with my family and best friends again. Athens will always hold a dear spot in my heart and since I have friends still at school there, I can visit but my time as an OU student is over. (I say this now but I know that when acceptance and/or rejection letters start rolling in I could be singing a different tune!)

My life is constantly changing but as the changes happen, I've learned to roll with the punches. I have an amazing support system, people who love me and care about me and only want what's best for me. Ultimately it's up to me to make the decisions that will affect my life but I know that I have people who stand behind me who will never let me fall.