Working through it

Today was another rough day. For whatever reason, I was ridiculously emotional and took everything personally. My original plan for the day was homework and shopping but that didn't happen. Instead, around 4:00, I got in the car and went for a drive. I wasn't in the car longer than five minutes before I burst into tears. I drove and cried and poured my soul out to God, telling Him I was tired of being alone and tired of spending all of my time alone. Today it wasn't just about relationships. It was about friendships and family and how I feel as if I'm always alone anymore.

I managed to dry my eyes long enough to stop and put gas in my car. As I was filling up, I told myself I was still going to the mall and even kept telling myself that as I got on the highway but then I drove right past the exit that would take me to the mall and kept driving. Eventually, the tears subsided and I just drove while listening to my WOW cd. Before I knew it, I had ended up downtown, taking the exit that I knew would take me right past the stadiums to the riverfront. The news has been talking about the river being at flood stage and I wanted to see it for myself. By the time I turned onto the road that led along the river, my heart had calmed and I was able to enjoy my drive.

I've been struggling with life and I even jokingly told myself earlier that I felt like I was having a quarter life crisis because I feel as if I've been going through the motions of my life lately instead of fully seeking out my dreams and what I believed in. I feel as if I've forgotten why I went back to school for my Master's, what I love to do, and how I enjoy spending my time.

I think it's why I drove downtown. When I first moved to Cincinnati in high school, the city gave me new hope. I learned that it was okay to have dreams and to follow those dreams. I learned that it was okay to have hopes and to believe in myself. For me, the city has always represented a new beginning, a new chance at a life I didn't have when I lived in Youngstown. It gave me a second chance to be me, to live my life as I wanted to live it.

As I drove down the highway, seeing the city skyline renewed my heart. I took it all in and reminded myself that this was the place that taught me to dream and taught me that it's okay to hope. As I drove along the riverfront, I let myself get caught up in the memories of the dreams I once had and the dreams I intend to start pursuing again. Like Laura told me in a comment on my previous entry, I shouldn't be afraid to shine. Cincinnati and the life I have here have given me a second chance and I don't know how I moved from full heartedly pursuing my dreams to just going through the motions of life.

Eventually I turned around and headed back the way I had come and as I got closer to downtown again, I decided to turn in to a little park called International Friendship Park that overlooked the river. I decided I needed some fresh air so I parked the car and I got out and walked. Yes, it probably wasn't the smartest idea to be downtown and walking alone but since it was a sunny (though chilly) day, there were plenty of people out walking dogs and enjoying the fresh air. I didn't walk far but as I walked the path that overlooked the river, I could feel my heart being renewed and I told myself that this was what I had needed. I had needed to release the tears, to cry it all out, and to see the skyline to remember the hope and the dreams that moving here had given me. I think sometimes we need those physical signs to just remember and for me, that was all it took today.

I told Adge over dinner tonight that this is something I intend to do more often. Maybe not cry, but I do intend to make drives like these every so often along downtown and the riverfront to remind me of the hopes and dreams that I have and remind myself that the lies of the past are just that-they're lies. The past is over and done with and now it's time to move forward and start shining again. It's time to live out the dreams I have always had for myself and shoot for the stars. No more going through the motions. That's the goal I've set for myself and I intend to make it happen.

Demons from the past

For the past couple of weeks, I've felt as if demons from my past were resurfacing. I can't pinpoint where it started, but memories of things my dad used to say to me have come into my mind and I can't shake them. I've been letting them affect me and my school work and even my thoughts about my job and my future career.

As I drove home from campus tonight, I could hear his voice in my head. "You'll never amount to anything Heather. No one will ever love you the way you deserve to be loved. Nothing you do is good enough." Every word was a blow to my heart...again. I haven't seen or talked to the man in ten years but for whatever reason, the memories came flooding back and I couldn't stop the lies as they poured out on top of me while I drove.

I didn't want to go to small group tonight. I thought about going to the gym and burning off what I was feeling but a small voice inside of me prompted me to go. I ended up sharing my heart during prayer request time and it was comforting to listen to Seth's voice as he shared my request with the Lord. On my drive home from Panera, I took out the cd that I had been listening to (my Vince created driving mix that I love!) and instead put in a WOW cd. The very first song was "Voice of Truth" and I just let the words pour over me as I drove. As I listened to the lyrics all I could think was "Thanks God," because I knew this was the exact song He wanted me to hear at that moment.

But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again.
'Boy, you'll never win!'"
You'll never win"
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says
"Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says
"This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth...

This part of the song kept resonating through me and I knew God was speaking right to my spirit and telling me it was going to be okay. If I stop and listen for His voice and reach out for His hand, the lies from my past can not and will not affect me. Every moment I went through in my past has led me to where I am today. Every time I choose not to listen to the lies as they resurface is a moment that I give glory to God for everything He brought me out of.

I had a moment as I was getting out of the shower where I realized that my fear of speaking up and sharing what I think in class or any kind of group setting comes from what I experienced growing up. I was constantly told that no one cared and that I wouldn't amount to anything that I just stopped trying. My grades and my writing always reflected my true thoughts and showed that I knew what I was talking about but I never want to speak up for fear that others will find me inadequate and make fun of what I think and believe. I think it's why it's become so easy for me to just stay quiet.

I told Jenny last week at lunch that it's become second nature for me to stand behind my friends. I let them take the lead on everything and it's always just been easier to be known as "so and so's friend." I specifically mentioned Megan (sorry Megan that you're reading this in my blog though I think we've talked about this in the past) and how I felt as if for years that I stood behind her because she had grown up for the most part at our church and in our youth group and so everyone knew her before they knew me. When I took her place in the nursery the summer she went to Baltimore it was because she wanted me to and because everyone who knew her took her at her word that I could be trusted and was perfect for the job. Don't get me wrong, I loved it and loved the kids, but I always felt as if people were thinking, "Well, she's not Megan but she'll do until Megan gets back."

It took me years before I finally branched out and started finding my own place in the church. I started volunteering with Vacation Bible School because I wanted to. I started helping out in Sunday school because it was something I wanted to do. I now volunteer with the youth because it's where I want to be and where I think God wants me to be right now. I finally feel like I have my own place in the church and people see me for who I am and not just "Megan's friend."

As I got ready for bed, I set a new goal for myself. It's time to become bold and courageous and stop letting the lies fill my head. I need to remember specifically that I got into the Master's program at UC and they wouldn't have admitted me if they didn't think I would make good school counselor material at the end of the program. Yes, some of my classmates may be smarter than me, but my thoughts are just as important and I'm just as equal as they are or I never would have gotten into the program.

It's time for me to start remembering and discovering all the things that I love and not just to follow along with what my friends are doing. I want to truly know what it means to be my own person again and see what kind of road God leads me down. We're only a month into 2010 and already He's teaching me new things and helping me to discover who I am. I just need to continue to trust in Him and to stop believing the lies from my past because they no longer matter. The promises of the Lord are the only truths that I need in my life.

Loneliness

This week has been a rough week, full of tears and loneliness. This decision I've made is weighing me down at times and making me wonder what I was thinking when I made it. I broke down in tears during worship this morning at church and during prayer time I yelled at God, asking Him why He was putting me through this and making me go out of my mind with loneliness. I told Him it was so unfair that at 25 I'm still walking into church alone and still sitting alone and spending weekends alone. I told Him I didn't understand how loneliness could be His will for me and that my heart was hurting.

Pouring my heart out was exactly what I needed. During some later prayer time I told Him that while I may not understand His timing and why I was supposed to spend this year alone and seeking Him, that I would continue to worship and trust Him, no matter how difficult it got. I told Him that as much as it sucks, I know I need to learn to lean on Him and trust that He's leading me right where He wants me.

It's still not easy though. It's not easy when every single one of my friends is dating someone. And by every one of them, I mean everybody. Everybody I know is either in a serious relationship, living with their significant others, planning weddings, or going out on dates. To me, it's not fair that at 25 I'm not getting to experience any of that. It's not fair that I have to walk into church alone and sit alone when everyone else I know is sitting with someone special. I don't understand this timing and I don't understand why something that is so clearly from God could hurt as much as it has this week.

After service, I stopped into the nursery to say hi to Jenny (our nursery coordinator) and she saw right through my facade of pretending to be okay. In her presence, I finally let the tears flow that I've been holding back all week. I told her about the pain I was experiencing and how I didn't understand how God could ask this of me when all I've ever wanted is to get married and have a family. She offered to take me to lunch to talk and it was the first time in months that I finally let myself become vulnerable to someone without fear of what they were thinking of me or what they were going to tell me in reply to how I was feeling.

She told me while it's not easy, that stepping back and realigning my priorities is a good thing. She told me there's something to be said about a person who is stepping back and letting God lead their steps and trusting Him in an area that they're so vulnerable with. She asked me if I had talked to any of my friends and I told her I just couldn't. I told her I was tired of hearing everyone say "It'll happen in God's timing Heather." I know that. I know God's timing is perfect and I know He's going to work everything out in His timing but if being trite is the only response you have for me, then don't say anything to me at all.

I told her I felt as if I've been shutting myself off from all of my friends and she asked me why. I told her I honestly didn't know and that since summer, it's just become easier to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself rather than to burden someone else with them. I told her I didn't understand why I keep pushing people away but that I have and while I wish I could change it, I can't. I just can't open my heart up to anyone in my life anymore and it's just become easier to hold it all in than to let it all out.

I told her I didn't think any of my friends could possibly understand because none of them are in my shoes. They may try to be respectful of my feelings but in reality, they all have someone. Most of them have been dating for years and have been in several relationships over the years. Until you've been in my shoes and God has asked you to give up your dating life to focus on Him, then we can talk. I told her that while I want to share in their joy of their dating lives and hear about what's going on, I just can't. It hurts too much right now. This decision is too new and too fresh for me to be okay with hearing about their dating lives and seeing them together.

My heart hurts so much but I feel a million times better than I did when I walked into the nursery this morning. It's been months since someone actually took the time to see right through my facade of pretending to be okay to genuinely ask me how my heart is. Jenny, better than anyone else, saw right through me saying, "I'm okay." She knows what I'm going through and she genuinely cared to know what was going on in my heart.

She asked me how I was going to work through the loneliness and I told her I honestly didn't know. I truly don't know how to work through it but I do know that somehow I'm going to be okay. Having lunch with her today was such a blessing and did my heart a world of good. God knew I needed this today and He provided the perfect person to see right through me. I don't know what the next week is going to bring but what I do know is that this is going to be a week at a time journey and each day is going to bring me one step closer to whatever it is God wants me to learn in this year of trusting in Him alone.

Trying to give up control

About two weeks ago, I made a major decision about my life, especially my dating life. Only a few people are aware of the decision I made (Megan, Tym, and my small group leader Seth) and that's because I knew I was going to need accountability since the dating area of my life is the one area I'm most vulnerable in.

I think that even though I knew subconsciously that this was going to end up being difficult, I think part of me also hoped that it would be an easy decision to follow through on. I did good for the first week, but this past week when I was home sick, I found myself fighting to take back control of that area from God. I started to act on that area of my life and then I found myself laying on the couch going, "Lord, what am I doing?"

I find that the area I most want to give up and know that I have to give up is the area that I am also most unwilling to give up. There's something comforting in knowing that I have control and if I have control, then of course it's going to end the way I want it to. However, I know beyond a doubt that I have to give this area of my life up to God. It has been my sole focus for far too long and it's come to a point where I know that I'm hindering the plans God has for my life because I refuse to give Him control.

I also came to the realization that I'm struggling to take back control because I'm not digging into the Word enough and not letting Christ be my sole provider and be enough for me. Until I do that, I'm going to struggle and continue to try to take control back. While it was a harsh realization that I'm not doing what I know the Lord is asking of me, it was also comforting to know that despite my flaws and despite my sins, He'll continue to love me and His grace will be sufficient for me. That is the comfort I've experienced in this situation this week and will continue to remind myself of as I know this area is something I'll struggle most with this year.

Sick sick sick

I have been miserably sick since Friday. I got sick late Friday night and haven't been able to keep anything down since. I had some toast and juice last night and ended up getting sick again this morning. I called off work and spent the better part of the day sleeping. My whole body hurts because all I've been doing is laying in bed or laying on the couch. The smell of food makes me nauseous (like now with my parents eating dinner) and I'm just miserable.

However, I am going back to work tomorrow because I have to meet with my second year supervisor tomorrow night to start discussing my advanced counseling skills class I'm taking this quarter. Since I've been sick I haven't had a chance to call my client yet or even get any of my homework done. I feel so far behind and it's only week two so now I can feel the stress building.

At least I have spring break to look forward to. I can't wait to spend a week in Denver with my cousin that I haven't seen in years. From pictures I've seen Denver looks beautiful and I can't wait to get out there and see it myself. My cousin is already planning every moment of my visit and he is so excited to see me. I can tell you, the feeling is mutual! It's going to be a nice break before going into interning next quarter.

Ok, I'm going to go get away from the smell of food and probably go to bed soon. I really hope I feel better tomorrow.

Thankful

Tonight I have several things to be thankful for and decided to write about them to remind myself that I don't always need to complain.

First off, I am so thankful for the wonderful friend I have in Kelly. We met through Tym and Cru last year and only became as close as we are now last quarter when she moved back home for the quarter to co-op for her engineering program. We e-mailed back and forth every week or every other week sharing our hearts and what God has been doing in our lives. She's back in Cincinnati for the rest of the school year and I am thrilled to see where God takes our friendship. We spent some time tonight before Cru talking and praying and it reminded me of how sweet it is to have such close Christian girlfriends to hang out with.

Second, I am thankful for some of the wonderful families that have children at my preschool. As you all know, I am terrified of the snow and driving in it ever since I spun out a couple of years ago. The idea of driving in the snow literally reduces me to tears and makes me panic. With the snow storm moving our way overnight, I was trying to figure out what to do about having to drive in it. My parents told me to call in and tell my boss I was sick but we're already short staffed as it is so I didn't want to do that, especially when the morning commute shouldn't be a problem. We discussed me getting a hotel room tomorrow night after work to be close to work for the Friday morning commute but I didn't want to have to pay $100 for one night if I didn't have to. I just didn't know what to do.

As I was driving home talking to Denise tonight, I remembered that there are families close by that I baby-sit for so I sent Jana (the mom of the twin girls I baby-sit) a facebook message and asked her if she would be willing to put me up for the night if need be and not even ten minutes later she sent me back a reply telling me that she and Jason and the girls would love for me to stay with them anytime I needed and not to hesitate to ask. Her reply did my heart a world of good and while I'm still a little nervous about driving tomorrow morning, at least I know after work tomorrow that I'll only have a five minute drive to their house as opposed to a 30 minute drive (in good weather of course!) back to my house.

On that note, I am off to shower and pack an overnight bag to get ready for tomorrow since I'm sure I won't be home again tomorrow night. I hate winter but I am so thankful for the blessings I have in my life.