Crossroads is smack dab in the middle of the I Am Journey and already I feel as if I am learning so much about myself. I can see the ways God is moving, and how He is slowly changing my heart and how I view myself. I think I have complained every single year for the past three years about the journey because I know it's in those intense six weeks that I am going to learn the most about myself and it's also in those six weeks that God is going to intentionally move in my heart. There's a lot of fear in intentionally letting God into those areas that you've clung to for so long and allowing Him to work a miracle. But oh the sweet freedom that comes with surrender. So while I have complained, these are some of the times I love the most at Crossroads.
Two weeks ago, I ran away to Gatlinburg for a solo trip. I needed a long weekend to recharge and refocus my energy where I knew I needed it to be. I have always wanted to take a solo trip and decided that Gatlinburg was a good place to do that since it was close enough to home to be doable, but far enough away for it to be an actual getaway. I worked a ton of crazy hours leading up to the day I left so I was able to leave work early that afternoon and I made the drive down. As soon as I crossed the state line, I felt myself relax for the first time in a long time. I didn't realize just how tense I was until I fully relaxed during that weekend. I was able to go at my own pace, do my own thing, and not have to worry about what other people wanted to do. I slept in late each morning, I went on random drives through the mountains, and I sat in the sun and people watched. I even ate dinners alone at actual sit down restaurants...and I enjoyed it!
I learned a lot about myself on that weekend and decided I would blog about some of the lessons I feel as if I walked away with, which ironically enough line up really well with the I Am journey.
1. I make a lot of excuses for myself.
I have realized that I have a lot of fear surrounding trying new things, whether it's food, getting out of my comfort zone to go someplace new, or even as simple as working out. I make excuses and tell myself that I can't do it, that I won't like it, and that others are watching me and I can't disappoint them so I might as well not even try. Some of my greatest adventures in life have come from saying yes to things and from getting out of my comfort zone. I went to Haiti four and a half years ago on my very first mission trip and it changed my life. I switched churches three years ago and found some of the greatest friends and community that I could ask for. I went to New Orleans last summer and was baptized and able to let go of my past. I quit a job that I was at for eight years to take a job at a non-profit and now I'm in my dream job.
These are all situations I never would have found myself in had I not said yes to them. However, even in the midst of the times I've said yes, they are followed closely by all the times I've said no and made excuses. I KNOW that I am capable of anything I put my mind to. Logically I know this. But in my heart...I still listen to that little voice that tells me I can't do something and so I will listen to that small voice versus listening to the voice that tells me I CAN. Letting go of control and fear is hard. It's something I am working on in my discipling relationship but in the meantime...I still make a lot of excuses for myself. I am hoping this is a habit I can kick by the end of 2017.
2. I project a lot of what I think others see in me on myself.
Does that make sense? I look at myself in a mirror and I am very, very hard on myself. I tell myself (and I am NOT fishing for compliments...this is just me being honest) that other women my age are prettier and skinnier than I am, that people see me and question why I don't work out, why I don't dress a certain way, etc. It's HARD. It's a hard place to find yourself. The only person who has room to have any opinion over me is God and it says in Psalm 139:14 "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." I am WONDERFULLY made. I am created in God's image and yet...I struggle with seeing it. I hold back around others because I fear what they are thinking. I assume that people think the worst and so it's easier to tell myself that than to do anything else. I can't take a compliment to save my life and always have some kind of rebuttal for it. This is something I need to STOP doing because it is killing my self-image and self-esteem. I "fake it till I make it" regularly and it needs to stop.
3. I find a lot of my self-worth in my performance and what I do.
I was challenged recently by the woman discipling me to stop and examine how I introduce myself to someone. Where do I find my identity? What is the first thing I say to someone new when I introduce myself? I realized that when you think about small talk, it always comes down to the same things: What do you do for a living? What do you enjoy doing for fun? Where did you go to school? These are the places people jump to and that's where a lot of my identity comes from. I love my job and I'm quite honestly doing what I've always dreamed of doing: working with students. But yet...I doubt. A lot. I look at where my program was when I was first hired on and where it is now and see how it's grown. But yet...I doubt. I question whether I am good enough to do this job. I question whether someone else could do my job better than I could. I question the impact I am having on my students. I question whether I am driving the teachers and staff members crazy when I ask questions. My identity is NOT tied to whether I succeed at my job or not. My identity is NOT tied to numbers. My identity is NOT tied to needing constant affirmation that I'm good at what I do. My identity is rooted in Christ, and that's all that matters.
So much doubt. So much struggle. But...so much freedom. When Jesus was up on that cross He knew that someday, these would be the battles raging inside of me and He took those battles to the Cross with Him and He gave me victory over them. The more I pour myself into my relationship with Jesus, the more freedom and victory I will see in my life. I am thankful for that long weekend away. I am thankful for the quiet times and the words of truth spoken into my life during those quiet times. I am thankful for my discipling relationship and how Stephanie speaks honest, hard truth into my life and loves me in the midst of my struggles. I am thankful for the people who surround me and see past the flaws in my life. I am thankful for these struggles because I know that not only will they make me stronger, but they will also give me a wonderful story to share with people someday.
"But whenever someone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord—who is the Spirit—makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image."
--2 Corinthians 3:16-18
Tuesday, February 28, 2017
Thursday, February 9, 2017
Reflections on 2016
Man, I can't believe it is February already! Once again, my blog has gone to the wayside as life has kept me crazy busy since the last time I posted in July. I wanted to share some of what I learned in 2016 and talk about my goals and hopes for 2017.
I never imagined going into 2016 that it would be a year that flipped my life upside down. I started 2016 by baring my soul to two people I trusted very dearly. I sat at their kitchen table and wept over my finances and the control they held over my life. I told them I was tired of calls from collection agencies and I was tired of living paycheck to paycheck and worrying how I was going to make it. Over several weeks, I laid it all out on the table. I listed out all the debt I owed, from my credit cards to my student loan debt. We made a plan to get everything into repayment: no more defaulting on student loans, plans to have credit cards paid off, and money to go into my savings. I allowed Kate and Chad to create a budget spreadsheet for me, one that they had access to at anytime through google docs. The accountability was terrifying, but something I knew I desperately needed.
I'm not going to lie: the first couple of months were HARD! We had to tweak numbers but before I knew it, several months in, I was seeing everything in my budget stay in the green and I was slowly adding money to my savings account. I was tithing on a regular basis to my church, which I love, and the collection calls finally STOPPED! On top of that, I purchased health insurance, something I had never been able to afford on my own before! I had gone years without having coverage so this was a major breakthrough. It wasn't the greatest coverage, but I had it and it'll keep me from paying an awful penalty when I file my taxes. Not only was I able to purchase health insurance, but I also paid off not one, but TWO credit cards in 2016. I have one left that will be paid off in about three months and once that's paid off, it'll be just my car and my student loans!
I love looking at my spreadsheet and watching the columns turn green as I come in right at budget or even under what we allotted. My impulse spending has come under control because I know I'm going to have to enter all of those receipts into my spreadsheet and I never want to go over what I have allotted in certain categories. I even love having my envelope system. Each envelope has money tucked away for serious things like car repairs to fun things like vacations. I have a system that works and I LOVE it! I never, ever thought I would enjoy budgeting but there has been so much growth in my attitude over the past year and knowing that I am living comfortably, my debt is shrinking, and I have a savings account. Who ever thought I would get to this point? I definitely never did!
One of the greatest victories that came out of freedom from my finances was going full time at my dream job, something we had spent a YEAR praying for. From the time I was hired on in the fall of 2015 to the time I went full time in October of 2016, we prayed for God to move mountains and open doors and my honest belief is that because I chose to walk in obedience and trust Him with what He had given to me, He rewarded me with more than I could ever imagine. On top of going full time at my job (which obviously came with more money), I now find myself in a position where my friends are asking for finance help and suggestions for budgeting. ME! I NEVER would have been able to say that a year ago. It's crazy how God moves mountains friends.
In my last blog I talked about the freedom I found in New Orleans on a Go trip when I finally decided to let go of my past. While there are still things about my past I am wrestling with, I no longer carry around anger, hurt, or bitterness on a daily basis. I look at my past and I think about the lessons it taught me and the strength I have because of it. Since New Orleans, I have been in a discipling relationship with one of the trip leaders. She holds me accountable in numerous areas of my life and is pushing me to overcome some of the strongholds that I've had for far too long. Having someone constantly praying for me and checking in with me is a comfort and having that spiritual push has been so good for my faith.
What else happened in 2016? I finished my second half marathon alongside some great friends. It was painful, but I crossed that finish line! As soon as I crossed the finish line I fell into my friend's arms and burst into tears. I had never wanted something so badly so even though I didn't train properly I finished. It wasn't without a panic/anxiety attack at mile five but I did it. I was so thankful for my amazing roommate who stayed by my side the entire time. She could have finished way before I did but she stayed with me and cheered me on when I honestly, literally could not go any further. With each mile I threatened to sit down and give up, she kept me going. She even entertained my fan girl moment at mile 6 when we ran into my favorite B105 personalities and I had to introduce myself to them! I could not have finished that race without her next to me.
I moved home in May to be closer to work. I miss living with Jamie dearly. I miss coming home to her funny stories. I miss binge watching shows on Netflix and ordering pizza on Friday nights. I miss her laughing at my dumb stories and our random adventures for milkshakes and ice cream cones at McDonald's at 10 o clock at night. It's been hard going from seeing someone every day to having to schedule time together but I am thankful for the nine months we lived together and the growth I saw in my life from having her as my friend.
I bought a car two days before Christmas that I fell in love with. Because I had worked so diligently on my finances, my credit score was better than I expected and my interest rate is lower than I expected. I am thankful to have a reliable car, especially since I spend four days a week driving around the county to different schools.
My work program is exploding and I love my job dearly. I work alongside some amazing women who want to change the world and I get to work alongside one of my best friends, something I am thankful for everyday. It's comforting to know that when I need to fall apart she is there and she encourages me when I still struggle with doubts about things in my life.
So what does 2017 hold? I decided that 2017 was going to be a continued year of growth. Each year I pray for a word that becomes my theme for the year. I don't know that I chose a word specifically in 2016 but looking back, I truly believe my theme was freedom because of the freedom that came in numerous areas of my life. This year, I hear God calling me to LISTEN. I don't 100% know how that is going to translate this year, but it's already showing up in words my friends have said to me. My friends speak some serious truth into my life and it's up to me to listen to what I believe God is saying to me through them.
Along with that, I am hearing Him ask me to listen and embrace these various seasons that He has me in. One area I have struggled with as I inch closer to my mid-30s is the fact that I am still single. I used to look at my singleness as a curse, asking God over and over again why He has asked me to continue being "alone" while all of my friends are getting married and having babies (or their second or third babies) and I realized at the end of 2016 that there were areas of my life (like my finances) that I needed to relinquish control over before I could move forward. This season of being single is not a curse. It's a joy and I want to revel in it. I get to travel and see new places. I get to grow my close friendships. I pour myself into a job I love, where I get to mentor an incredible group of high school students. I get to spoil my nieces and nephews. I get to grow and become confident in who I am as an individual.
I think I see being single as a curse because I know there are things I'm not "good at" or that I "can't do" alone. That's part of the discipleship relationship I'm in. I told the woman mentoring me that I want to learn to be independent and do things on my own. What does that look like? I have NO idea! Right now, it's starting small. I am working on a small craft project for our fall Disney trip. I booked a solo trip to Gatlinburg for next weekend over the long weekend where I am staying in a hotel, sleeping in, spending some time with my Bible and journal, and even having a sit down dinner...alone! I want to learn how to embrace doing things solo and on my own. I don't want to sit and watch life pass me by because I am waiting for a man to be my side to complete me.
I don't know if God has marriage in the cards for me. If He does, great. If He doesn't, I want that to be okay too! I want my life to reflect Jesus and the desires that He has for my life. I don't want to follow the plans I have for myself. I want to follow the plans that He places in my life. 2017 is going to be a year of growth and listening to what He is asking of me. It's about going out on new adventures and trying new things. My prayer is that when I look back a year from now, I will be able to see all the places that God called me to LISTEN and I obeyed and walked by faith. 2017...here we go! :)
I never imagined going into 2016 that it would be a year that flipped my life upside down. I started 2016 by baring my soul to two people I trusted very dearly. I sat at their kitchen table and wept over my finances and the control they held over my life. I told them I was tired of calls from collection agencies and I was tired of living paycheck to paycheck and worrying how I was going to make it. Over several weeks, I laid it all out on the table. I listed out all the debt I owed, from my credit cards to my student loan debt. We made a plan to get everything into repayment: no more defaulting on student loans, plans to have credit cards paid off, and money to go into my savings. I allowed Kate and Chad to create a budget spreadsheet for me, one that they had access to at anytime through google docs. The accountability was terrifying, but something I knew I desperately needed.
I'm not going to lie: the first couple of months were HARD! We had to tweak numbers but before I knew it, several months in, I was seeing everything in my budget stay in the green and I was slowly adding money to my savings account. I was tithing on a regular basis to my church, which I love, and the collection calls finally STOPPED! On top of that, I purchased health insurance, something I had never been able to afford on my own before! I had gone years without having coverage so this was a major breakthrough. It wasn't the greatest coverage, but I had it and it'll keep me from paying an awful penalty when I file my taxes. Not only was I able to purchase health insurance, but I also paid off not one, but TWO credit cards in 2016. I have one left that will be paid off in about three months and once that's paid off, it'll be just my car and my student loans!
I love looking at my spreadsheet and watching the columns turn green as I come in right at budget or even under what we allotted. My impulse spending has come under control because I know I'm going to have to enter all of those receipts into my spreadsheet and I never want to go over what I have allotted in certain categories. I even love having my envelope system. Each envelope has money tucked away for serious things like car repairs to fun things like vacations. I have a system that works and I LOVE it! I never, ever thought I would enjoy budgeting but there has been so much growth in my attitude over the past year and knowing that I am living comfortably, my debt is shrinking, and I have a savings account. Who ever thought I would get to this point? I definitely never did!
One of the greatest victories that came out of freedom from my finances was going full time at my dream job, something we had spent a YEAR praying for. From the time I was hired on in the fall of 2015 to the time I went full time in October of 2016, we prayed for God to move mountains and open doors and my honest belief is that because I chose to walk in obedience and trust Him with what He had given to me, He rewarded me with more than I could ever imagine. On top of going full time at my job (which obviously came with more money), I now find myself in a position where my friends are asking for finance help and suggestions for budgeting. ME! I NEVER would have been able to say that a year ago. It's crazy how God moves mountains friends.
In my last blog I talked about the freedom I found in New Orleans on a Go trip when I finally decided to let go of my past. While there are still things about my past I am wrestling with, I no longer carry around anger, hurt, or bitterness on a daily basis. I look at my past and I think about the lessons it taught me and the strength I have because of it. Since New Orleans, I have been in a discipling relationship with one of the trip leaders. She holds me accountable in numerous areas of my life and is pushing me to overcome some of the strongholds that I've had for far too long. Having someone constantly praying for me and checking in with me is a comfort and having that spiritual push has been so good for my faith.
What else happened in 2016? I finished my second half marathon alongside some great friends. It was painful, but I crossed that finish line! As soon as I crossed the finish line I fell into my friend's arms and burst into tears. I had never wanted something so badly so even though I didn't train properly I finished. It wasn't without a panic/anxiety attack at mile five but I did it. I was so thankful for my amazing roommate who stayed by my side the entire time. She could have finished way before I did but she stayed with me and cheered me on when I honestly, literally could not go any further. With each mile I threatened to sit down and give up, she kept me going. She even entertained my fan girl moment at mile 6 when we ran into my favorite B105 personalities and I had to introduce myself to them! I could not have finished that race without her next to me.
I moved home in May to be closer to work. I miss living with Jamie dearly. I miss coming home to her funny stories. I miss binge watching shows on Netflix and ordering pizza on Friday nights. I miss her laughing at my dumb stories and our random adventures for milkshakes and ice cream cones at McDonald's at 10 o clock at night. It's been hard going from seeing someone every day to having to schedule time together but I am thankful for the nine months we lived together and the growth I saw in my life from having her as my friend.
I bought a car two days before Christmas that I fell in love with. Because I had worked so diligently on my finances, my credit score was better than I expected and my interest rate is lower than I expected. I am thankful to have a reliable car, especially since I spend four days a week driving around the county to different schools.
My work program is exploding and I love my job dearly. I work alongside some amazing women who want to change the world and I get to work alongside one of my best friends, something I am thankful for everyday. It's comforting to know that when I need to fall apart she is there and she encourages me when I still struggle with doubts about things in my life.
So what does 2017 hold? I decided that 2017 was going to be a continued year of growth. Each year I pray for a word that becomes my theme for the year. I don't know that I chose a word specifically in 2016 but looking back, I truly believe my theme was freedom because of the freedom that came in numerous areas of my life. This year, I hear God calling me to LISTEN. I don't 100% know how that is going to translate this year, but it's already showing up in words my friends have said to me. My friends speak some serious truth into my life and it's up to me to listen to what I believe God is saying to me through them.
Along with that, I am hearing Him ask me to listen and embrace these various seasons that He has me in. One area I have struggled with as I inch closer to my mid-30s is the fact that I am still single. I used to look at my singleness as a curse, asking God over and over again why He has asked me to continue being "alone" while all of my friends are getting married and having babies (or their second or third babies) and I realized at the end of 2016 that there were areas of my life (like my finances) that I needed to relinquish control over before I could move forward. This season of being single is not a curse. It's a joy and I want to revel in it. I get to travel and see new places. I get to grow my close friendships. I pour myself into a job I love, where I get to mentor an incredible group of high school students. I get to spoil my nieces and nephews. I get to grow and become confident in who I am as an individual.
I think I see being single as a curse because I know there are things I'm not "good at" or that I "can't do" alone. That's part of the discipleship relationship I'm in. I told the woman mentoring me that I want to learn to be independent and do things on my own. What does that look like? I have NO idea! Right now, it's starting small. I am working on a small craft project for our fall Disney trip. I booked a solo trip to Gatlinburg for next weekend over the long weekend where I am staying in a hotel, sleeping in, spending some time with my Bible and journal, and even having a sit down dinner...alone! I want to learn how to embrace doing things solo and on my own. I don't want to sit and watch life pass me by because I am waiting for a man to be my side to complete me.
I don't know if God has marriage in the cards for me. If He does, great. If He doesn't, I want that to be okay too! I want my life to reflect Jesus and the desires that He has for my life. I don't want to follow the plans I have for myself. I want to follow the plans that He places in my life. 2017 is going to be a year of growth and listening to what He is asking of me. It's about going out on new adventures and trying new things. My prayer is that when I look back a year from now, I will be able to see all the places that God called me to LISTEN and I obeyed and walked by faith. 2017...here we go! :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)