Crossroads is smack dab in the middle of the I Am Journey and already I feel as if I am learning so much about myself. I can see the ways God is moving, and how He is slowly changing my heart and how I view myself. I think I have complained every single year for the past three years about the journey because I know it's in those intense six weeks that I am going to learn the most about myself and it's also in those six weeks that God is going to intentionally move in my heart. There's a lot of fear in intentionally letting God into those areas that you've clung to for so long and allowing Him to work a miracle. But oh the sweet freedom that comes with surrender. So while I have complained, these are some of the times I love the most at Crossroads.
Two weeks ago, I ran away to Gatlinburg for a solo trip. I needed a long weekend to recharge and refocus my energy where I knew I needed it to be. I have always wanted to take a solo trip and decided that Gatlinburg was a good place to do that since it was close enough to home to be doable, but far enough away for it to be an actual getaway. I worked a ton of crazy hours leading up to the day I left so I was able to leave work early that afternoon and I made the drive down. As soon as I crossed the state line, I felt myself relax for the first time in a long time. I didn't realize just how tense I was until I fully relaxed during that weekend. I was able to go at my own pace, do my own thing, and not have to worry about what other people wanted to do. I slept in late each morning, I went on random drives through the mountains, and I sat in the sun and people watched. I even ate dinners alone at actual sit down restaurants...and I enjoyed it!
I learned a lot about myself on that weekend and decided I would blog about some of the lessons I feel as if I walked away with, which ironically enough line up really well with the I Am journey.
1. I make a lot of excuses for myself.
I have realized that I have a lot of fear surrounding trying new things, whether it's food, getting out of my comfort zone to go someplace new, or even as simple as working out. I make excuses and tell myself that I can't do it, that I won't like it, and that others are watching me and I can't disappoint them so I might as well not even try. Some of my greatest adventures in life have come from saying yes to things and from getting out of my comfort zone. I went to Haiti four and a half years ago on my very first mission trip and it changed my life. I switched churches three years ago and found some of the greatest friends and community that I could ask for. I went to New Orleans last summer and was baptized and able to let go of my past. I quit a job that I was at for eight years to take a job at a non-profit and now I'm in my dream job.
These are all situations I never would have found myself in had I not said yes to them. However, even in the midst of the times I've said yes, they are followed closely by all the times I've said no and made excuses. I KNOW that I am capable of anything I put my mind to. Logically I know this. But in my heart...I still listen to that little voice that tells me I can't do something and so I will listen to that small voice versus listening to the voice that tells me I CAN. Letting go of control and fear is hard. It's something I am working on in my discipling relationship but in the meantime...I still make a lot of excuses for myself. I am hoping this is a habit I can kick by the end of 2017.
2. I project a lot of what I think others see in me on myself.
Does that make sense? I look at myself in a mirror and I am very, very hard on myself. I tell myself (and I am NOT fishing for compliments...this is just me being honest) that other women my age are prettier and skinnier than I am, that people see me and question why I don't work out, why I don't dress a certain way, etc. It's HARD. It's a hard place to find yourself. The only person who has room to have any opinion over me is God and it says in Psalm 139:14 "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." I am WONDERFULLY made. I am created in God's image and yet...I struggle with seeing it. I hold back around others because I fear what they are thinking. I assume that people think the worst and so it's easier to tell myself that than to do anything else. I can't take a compliment to save my life and always have some kind of rebuttal for it. This is something I need to STOP doing because it is killing my self-image and self-esteem. I "fake it till I make it" regularly and it needs to stop.
3. I find a lot of my self-worth in my performance and what I do.
I was challenged recently by the woman discipling me to stop and examine how I introduce myself to someone. Where do I find my identity? What is the first thing I say to someone new when I introduce myself? I realized that when you think about small talk, it always comes down to the same things: What do you do for a living? What do you enjoy doing for fun? Where did you go to school? These are the places people jump to and that's where a lot of my identity comes from. I love my job and I'm quite honestly doing what I've always dreamed of doing: working with students. But yet...I doubt. A lot. I look at where my program was when I was first hired on and where it is now and see how it's grown. But yet...I doubt. I question whether I am good enough to do this job. I question whether someone else could do my job better than I could. I question the impact I am having on my students. I question whether I am driving the teachers and staff members crazy when I ask questions. My identity is NOT tied to whether I succeed at my job or not. My identity is NOT tied to numbers. My identity is NOT tied to needing constant affirmation that I'm good at what I do. My identity is rooted in Christ, and that's all that matters.
So much doubt. So much struggle. But...so much freedom. When Jesus was up on that cross He knew that someday, these would be the battles raging inside of me and He took those battles to the Cross with Him and He gave me victory over them. The more I pour myself into my relationship with Jesus, the more freedom and victory I will see in my life. I am thankful for that long weekend away. I am thankful for the quiet times and the words of truth spoken into my life during those quiet times. I am thankful for my discipling relationship and how Stephanie speaks honest, hard truth into my life and loves me in the midst of my struggles. I am thankful for the people who surround me and see past the flaws in my life. I am thankful for these struggles because I know that not only will they make me stronger, but they will also give me a wonderful story to share with people someday.
"But whenever someone turns to the Lord, the veil is taken away. For the Lord is the Spirit, and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord. And the Lord—who is the Spirit—makes us more and more like him as we are changed into his glorious image."
--2 Corinthians 3:16-18
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