Spoiled

I've decided that I'm spoiled this coming year. Not only am I going to Florida with my family and Megan in June, but I just got my confirmation for my flight to Denver in March to visit my cousin that I haven't seen since I moved to Cincinnati almost nine years ago.

Sometimes I think I should have found a career that would let me travel for a living because I definitely have the travel bug. I hate to stay put for long periods of time and each year I have to get away somewhere. This year (2009) it was Raleigh. Next year (2010) it's Denver and Orlando/Vero Beach.

I'm not really sure how the time off of work is going to play off but for the Denver trip I'm using my five flex days that I have left. For my Florida trip I'm just planning on taking the week off without pay.

I think right now I'm more excited about the Denver trip because I haven't seen Terry Lee in sooo long and because it's a lot closer in proximity than Florida. Have I mentioned that I love traveling? Woo!

Vacation

I am already over the cold and the snow, so much so that I'm already looking forward to our family vacation to Disney World and Vero Beach in June. This summer, Megan is also going on vacation with us which is super exciting.

I knew there was a reason we were best friends and last night our similarities shined through as she text me and asked me where the Florida Marlins played at in relation to Vero Beach. I did some research and learned that they play in Miami, which is only two and a half hours from Vero. So now not only are we planning on going to Disney and the beach, we are also going to make the two and a half hour drive to Miami to go to a Marlins game.

We're doing this because we decided a couple of summers ago after going to a Washington Nationals game in D.C. that every summer we wanted to try and attend a game in a stadium other than Cincinnati. This summer we're going to keep the tradition going by attending a game in Miami!!

Since it is cold and snowy in most of Ohio, I leave you with these glorious pictures of the beach and the Disney resort at Vero Beach. June can't come soon enough!

Goals for 2010

I've decided this year that I'm not calling them "resolutions." Instead they're goals because I intend to meet each and every single one of them. I want to go into 2010 with a positive attitude and excitement about what it holds.

Weight loss
My goal in this area is to lose the last 45 pounds to get below 200 for the first time in a very long time. I'm using a website called sparkpeople.com and on that website I'm tracking my food intake and my exercises. It's also full of helpful resources such as recipes and message boards where members can share advice and encourage each other. I've been a member of the website since 2008 but have barely used it. I reset all of my goals on there the other night and now plan to use it so that it will be effective.

Along with sparkpeople, I plan to average three nights a week at the gym, intermixing my regular strength training and cardio with some classes that Fitworks offers. I was given an American Express gift card from one of my students and I'm going to use that to buy myself a resistance ball and some hand weights to use here at home for nights I don't want to go to the gym.

In this same area I also need to start watching what I eat and being serious about cutting out the excessive junk in my life, which means my caffeine intake has got to go. I don't need all of those empty calories that I take in every day at work. I'm going to start making a list and grocery shopping on a regular basis to help in this area. It also means I need to find something productive to do on my lunch breaks from work so that I'm not tempted to go to McDonalds and order french fries and a coke simply because I'm bored.

School
My challenge and goal in this area is to simply keep doing what I've been doing. I refuse to get any grade lower than a B but I would love to have all A's this quarter so I plan to push myself even harder than I did in the fall. I'm on campus a lot anyway so it's time to start using the library and resources available to get my studying done since I can't study here at home with all the distractions.

Faith
I originally talked about giving up my Sunday school position after Christmas but I love being in the preschool classroom on Sundays so I'm going to keep up my every other month rotation. Along with this, I have also become a youth sponsor and intend to hang out with the youth two Sundays a month and pour into their lives the way the adults did for me when I was in the youth group.

I want this to be the year that I trust God. I want this to be the year that I trust in His timing. I want to be content in Him and learn what it means to be a woman after God's heart. I don't want my singleness to define my life and instead I want to learn and delve more into what it means to be a Godly woman and what it means to be a Godly girlfriend and wife.

Attitude
I tend to fall back and give in because I don't know how to tell people no. I need to learn to stand up for myself and tell others no, even if it means they may become upset. I have a tendency to take on too much and with working full time and being in school, I need to learn that it's okay to say no and not spread myself too thin.

I want to have a positive attitude about everything, even on the days when it is hardest to get out of bed. I have so many blessings in my life and there is no reason why I can't find one thing to be grateful about every day.

Finances
My goal for 2010 is to stop spending as much money. With my winter quarter financial aid refund, I plan to pay off my credit cards and then tuck them away for emergencies only. I plan to make a budget and stick to it. My goal is to encourage my friends to find things that don't cost money to do, such as movie nights at our houses or walks or something.

Along that same rate, when it comes time to reapply for financial aid for school for next year, I refuse to take out as much money as I did this year. There was no reason to accept all of it because it's all loans which means I'll be paying it all back someday. The more I take out, the more I have to pay back. Next year, I want to take out just as much as I'll need and that's it. There's no sense in putting myself in more debt than is necessary.

Personal interests
I want to remind myself of all the things I love to do, such as going to art museums and reading for pleasure. I want to take a couple hours a week for just me. I need some of that down time, especially at the times when school and work stress me out the most. If I don't take care of myself, how can I ever take care of my future clients? Number one at the top of the grad school list in our program is counselor self care. Our one professor reminds us on a regular basis to take care of ourselves before we can take care of others.

These are my goals for 2010. I refuse to make resolutions anymore because I know I don't stick to them. Goals I know I can do. 2010 is going to be the best year yet and I look forward to the challenges and changes it will bring.

In the works

This entry is mainly for Molly, who stalks me via my blog. :-P

There is a new entry in the works considering it's been over a month since I've updated. I've been journaling on another site where I can restrict who reads it since too many people read this one and there are certain people I don't want to read my entries.

No worries though Molly because you are not one of them. I'm working on a proper entry and then I will message you on facebook about what I can't share on here. :-)

Accountability

I've been thinking about this idea of accountability since my small group talked about it last week during our weekly Bible study. We're reading this book called Forgotten God and during our discussion, Seth asked us what it would mean if the church truly lived out what the Spirit was telling them and what it would mean for discipleship and accountability. I mentioned that if we were truly spirit led, then it would mean that people wouldn't be afraid to be real with each other or to be completely open about what's going on in our lives. Instead, we let our fears, anxieties, and insecurities about being judged hold us back from sharing what is truly going on in our lives.

During college, I had great accountability. For two years, Megan called me every Friday morning or afternoon depending on my class schedule and we did an over the phone Bible study and shared our hearts with each other. The geunine caring and accountability was so good for me while I was gone. I had someone to keep me in check about my actions and thoughts, someone I knew was praying for me throughout the week.

Somehow, since graduating almost two years ago (yikes! Where did the time go?!?), that accountability has fallen away. She and I were discussing this last night on the way to meet up with some friends to go bowling and she mentioned that she wished we could be accountability partners but that it probably wasn't the best idea to do so. At first, I couldn't figure out why because who better to be your accountability partner than your best friend? After all, that's what best friends are for right?

And then I realized that being best friends is precisely why we couldn't be accountability partners. We're already too close. Adding in that added expectation is too much for our friendship. Adding in that emotional piece is too much for us. There are some things your best friend just shouldn't know. Even when people say they tell their best friends everything, in reality, we truly don't. There are certain aspects of ourselves that we hide even from the people we consider ourselves the closest to because we know what their stance on those issues are and we know how they'll react to it.

So when it comes down to it then, how do we go about having that accountability in our lives? If you can't have your best friend as your accountability partner, then who do you hold yourself accountable to (other than God)? Who can you be completely open and real with and know that that person is going to love you and pray for you regardless of what you think or what you've done?

This subject is one I'm truly curious about. There are certain areas of my life that I struggle with, areas I find myself holding back from everyone because of how I know they'll react or how I think they'll react. However, the more I hold back, the more I find myself struggling day to day to work through these issues because I have no one to hold me accountable, no one to pray for me, and no one to ask me how I'm doing.

Writing is usually my outlet but my journal and my blog can't exactly pray for me. I need someone I can sit down with once a week and just be real with. I want to be able to pour out my heart and have someone go over Scripture and pray with me and hold me accountable for my thoughts and actions.

I know I need to hold my own self accountable as well, but there's only so much I can do alone. I guess I just want the reassurance of knowing that even if they don't completely understand, they can at least pray with me and for me and help to remind me of the promises of God's Truth, even when I struggle to remember them myself.

What are other's opinions on this? Who are you accountable to? How close is too close for accountability partners? Should it be someone of the same sex or can males and females be accountability partners?

I'm so curious about this because I can really feel God calling me to start being accountable to someone in my life and I'm trying to figure out who the best person is to ask to be that person for me. All I know is I can't do this on my own so it's time to be real with someone. I just have to figure out who.

Faithful

One thing I've learned in the seven years I've been walking with Christ is that God is always faithful. When you pray, He answers. Maybe not always in the way that you expect, but in His own way. I truly believe that God gives you the desires of your heart-if they are the desires He so wants you to have. This is where I'm struggling at the moment. I know Tym is going to read this and be like "Here we go again" so Tym, feel free to disregard this post. This is your warning.

It's time for me to share my heart (without mentioning names so for those who read and know who I'm talking about, please no comments regarding said person's name) and be real. I need some place to share my heart and what I'm feeling so this is me doing so. You have been warned!

For six years, I have been praying for one specific person. One person that I have heard God tell me over and over that this was the one person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. It went from praying vaguely about my future husband and the kind of man I knew God was creating him to be to being about an actual person that I felt God had revealed to me on a Christmas Eve service at church.

This isn't to say that in six years I haven't gone out on dates because I definitely have. Many of those dates ended with the confirmation that those people weren't meant to be more than a friend. The more I prayed about it, the more I really felt God leading me towards this particular person. We had been friends forever and our hang out times were starting to become more serious as we began to seriously share what was going on in our lives with each other. He was one of the few people I could be real with and know that there would be no judgement and criticism.

I had a revelation this weekend at fall retreat where I realized I needed to talk to this person and share my heart. I had to determine exactly what it was I felt and where we stood because I was just setting myself up to get hurt and if he isn't the one God has intended for me, then it's not fair to continue to give parts of my heart to him and for him to give parts of his heart to me. We're both going to end up losing parts of our heart we can't get back and I realized it's not fair to either of our future spouses to become so close and share so much of ourselves with each other if we're not meant to spend the rest of our lives together.

The only problem with my revelation was finding the perfect time and way to do it. I have always been a firm believer that I wanted the man to make the first move in our relationship and to help determine where we stand but is it fair to expect that when we don't have a relationship? Where is the fine line in figuring out if it's okay for me to ask him where we stand?

At the same time, I've recently begun spending time with a guy I find myself attracted to, someone I highly enjoy spending time with, a guy who is sweet, funny, and intelligent. What's the catch you ask? I don't think we're on the same page spiritually and this is where I stop in my tracks. He told me he didn't consider himself a religious person (I don't even remember what we were talking about that prompted that response) and it kind of stopped me in my tracks because I knew that this wouldn't work. 2 Corinthians 6: 14 says "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?"

I know I can't date someone who isn't on the same page as me spiritually. I need someone who can lead me spiritually, someone I can turn to who will understand my struggles and help me through my darkest times. I need someone who will pray with me, who will worship with me, and who will love me as Christ loved the church.

For six years I have been praying for this person by name. It never seems to fail. When I think about my future husband and when I pray for him, this particular person comes to mind. If he is truly the one God intends for me to spend the rest of my life with, then why this other person who it seems is displaying interest in me? Why the confusion and the heartache? Why am I afraid to step out and trust God at His word?

Tonight I drove home from small group in a daze. Because of people from there who read this, I'll refrain from mentioning what upset me but it upset me to the point of turning off my radio and crying out to God as I drove. I told God how upset I was that for six years I feel as if I've been faithful and praying for this one person and for whatever reason, things still aren't where I want them to be. I know His timing is perfect and I know that because we aren't together, that God is still molding us to be the husband and wife He wants us to be for each other. It doesn't make it any easier though. It doesn't make it easy to be one of the few single people in my group of friends and to constantly have them tell me "Your time will come."

No one seems to understand that I have spent so long praying for one person and trusting God at His word and now I find myself questioning and doubting and wondering if I've even heard right to begin with. With this newest "development," anyone would find themselves doubting that they've heard correctly as well. Or, at least, that's what I keep telling myself.

I feel as if the more I pray about both people, the one I've been praying for for six years keeps coming to the surface. I feel as if this person completes me in a way that no one else can and in a way that no one else ever will. So if he's "the one" then why the fears, insecurities, and the doubts? Why can't I just continue to trust God at His word?

My heart hurts so much. I find myself constantly holding back from everyone but Denise because she doesn't know either person involved and because she's been the one person who has been there since high school who seems to understand and will listen to me, regardless of how many times I may have vented about this to her. I find myself holding back from Megan and from Tym and from Brittany because I feel like they hear it so often and sometimes, just the looks on their faces are enough to stop me. It's that "here we go again" look and so I find myself holding back because I fear that they truly are sick of hearing about it and don't want to deal with it. It's become easier to keep it all inside lately and to drive myself crazy than to get that look when I bring it up.

My heart is so burdened. The more I pray, the more confused I continue to feel. I just wish there were an answer, something I could act on now and makes all of this go away but I know until I find the courage to actually step out on faith, I'm just going to drive myself in circles. I just don't know how to do it. How do you tell someone you care without breaking a friendship that you've had f0r so long?

October

Well, since it is now November 2nd and I don't think I ever did a proper update for October, I'll do bullets because I hate that I haven't been able to blog in so long.

--Grad school is seriously eating my soul. I'm only taking classes part time, which means I take two classes a quarter. However, I may as well be full time because I'm on campus four nights a week anyway doing ridiculous amounts of homework and counseling recordings. The recordings are actually fun and I'm learning a lot since it's hands on but Erin and I have become super giggly lately, which makes it difficult to keep the giggles off the tapes we're making. The best part about the recordings is that we never struggle for material because we're both so stressed out that we just vent about our lives and then we counsel each other. Perfect!

--I went to Youngstown early in October and was able to visit with Denise and Irene which was fun. I stayed at Adrienne's mom's house in her old room, which was super weird since she lives in Cincinnati now. The best part of the weekend other than seeing Denise's super adorable son Alex (pictures to come eventually of my visit!) was going for a run in my favorite childhood park. I hadn't been to Mill Creek in forever and on the Saturday of my visit, my body woke me up early so I took advantage of the cool autumn morning and went for a run. Those three miles did my spirit so much good because it was nice to be able to relive some happier childhood memories spent in that park instead of some of the darker memories that seem to cloud me everytime I go for a visit.

--The following weekend Vince came to Cincinnati from Athens for a visit. We spent the weekend watching movies, laughing, and just catching up. We hadn't seen each other since May and it did my heart a world of good to just be able to spend time with someone who means so much to me. We also went to the Newport Aquarium while he was here and he was so funny to watch! It was fun experiencing one of my favorite Cincinnati attractions with someone who had never been and seeing it through his eyes. Pictures to also come eventually of his visit.

--Two weeks later was my birthday weekend. I celebrated by attending my first ever UC football game (we're still undefeated this season...woo!) and then going to dinner down on the river with my friends who refused to let me pay for anything that night. After dinner we went to Starbucks at Barnes and Noble and I told them that nothing makes a cool October night better than hot chocolate and browsing in a bookstore. I'm pretty sure I also said it was the perfect date! :-P

--My actual birthday was the 19th and we were supposed to have a family dinner on the 20th but the state health board showed up for their annual survey at my mom's work so my family wasn't able to go to dinner with me. I was so disappointed but Tym and Adrienne made up for it and treated me to dinner at the Spaghetti Factory (my favorite restaurant) and then Tym and I went shoe shopping. Well, I did. He just kind of watched. haha Since I've been so swamped with school and work, my family is celebrating tomorrow night. My mom is making her world famous homemade spaghetti sauce and my sister, brother in law, and the kids are all coming over for dinner so it'll be nice to spend time with them.

--This past weekend I went to see the Broadway tour of RENT not once, but twice! Megan is the world's greatest best friend and bought tickets for Carrie and I to see it. Originally, we were all going to pay for our own but Megan decided to surprise us and pay for our tickets. We managed to score these amazing FIFTH ROW seats thanks to Jon from our church. He and his wife are season ticket holders to the Aronoff and had the opportunity to add RENT on to their package and when he found out that he could, he asked us if we wanted tickets and then ordered them for us. Since we got them before they went on sale to the general public, we had amazing seats! I enjoyed the production so much that I decided I just had to see it again and text Tym to see if he'd be interested in going so I in turn bought his ticket for him for Christmas and he, Liz, and I got all dressed up and went to the Aronoff on Saturday night to see it. Tym had never seen it at all and Liz had only seen the movie so it was so fun to share this experience with them! Tym of course had lots of questions since he had never seen the movie but overall we had a great time and I have now declared myself a RENT junkie. :-)

--My workouts are slowly getting back on track. Some weeks I only make it to the gym once, sometimes twice a week. My goal is eventually to work my way back up to three nights a week but we'll see how that works out. I've also decided to start meeting with a personal trainer once or twice a month to refine my workouts because I've hit my plateau. I haven't gained anything, but I haven't lost anything either so I need some help tailoring a workout every so often that will help me to keep moving towards my goal weight.

So there you have it. That's my life for the month of October. Since I know November is going to be just as crazy with the quarter winding down, I'll probably be back in December to update. I'm sure I'll be around to read though. :-)

Eating my soul

Grad school is eating my soul.

The end. I'll be back with a proper update eventually.

One of those days

Today was one of those days where my emotions spiraled out of control to the point where I broke down in tears because of it. I finally forced myself to take my birthday mix out of my cd player and put in my worship mix.

I just don't understand how my life can be so full and so blessed and yet I still have these moments where I feel so completely empty and lonely inside.

I'm worn out physically, mentally, and emotionally. Work and school are taking a huge toll on me. My friendships are draining me. All of my other relationships are all over the spectrum and I'm just drained.

I feel like I could go to sleep tonight and sleep for a month. Oh how I wish I could. There are no sleep in days looming and I'm getting to the point where I'm about to request a day off of work just so I can rest. I need a vacation. I was looking forward to all this me time this week with my parents gone and instead I'm so busy I don't have time for me time.

Is it winter break yet for both school and work???

My two cents

This song has been stuck in my head all weekend because Vince and I pretty much wore my birthday mix out listening to it so much in the car because it's the one cd we know we both like. I love this song in particular because it's really been speaking to me about my current boy predicament. I think I've listened to this song at least seven or eight times today because I just can't stop thinking about the chorus or the particular boy in my head and heart...

My Two Cents
Shane Piasecki

Throwing pennies in the wishing well
And I think to myself
If only you were here right now
I try to make believe
Pretend you're here with me
If things ain't what they seem
Well baby we'll work it out

So come back anytime you're ready
Cause I'm ready to be with you
I remember when you said
If it ain't broke don't fix it
If it ain't gone don't miss it
If you believe it's love then don't let them change your mind
Try to find a deeper reason
Time will change to another season
Oh, oh, oh and on and on the story goes

I go to the place where we used to meet
Do you ever go there too, do you ever think of me?
Oh we met on a hot summer day
And it started to rain
Water fell from the sky and down your face

So come back anytime you're ready
Cause I'm ready to be with you
I remember when you said
If it ain't broke don't fix it
If it ain't gone don't miss it
If you believe it's love then don't let them change your mind
Try to find a deeper reason
Time will change to another season
Oh, oh, oh and on and on the story goes
On and on the story goes

If it ain't broke don't fix it
If it ain't gone don't miss it
If you believe it's love then don't let them change your mind
Try to find a deeper reason
Time will change to another season
Oh, oh, oh and on and on the story goes
On and on the story goes

Bit the dust

So my laptop bit the dust this week. I've been so busy I haven't had time to update and now that my laptop is out of commission, so am I. I'm on my parents at the moment so as soon as I get a new one, I'll be back with a substantial update.

I'm so disappointed because I had found some great deals on flights to Denver and planned on booking my flight in the next week or so. I'm glad I haven't yet because now the money in my savings has to go towards a new computer so I'll have it for school.

I'm so frustrated but I know it'll all be okay. I have another financial aid refund coming in January so I'll just buy a ticket then. It'll all work out. One way or another, I'm going to Denver in March. Eight years is too long to go without seeing someone you used to be so close to.

On a more positive and exciting note, Vince is coming to visit on Friday and I haven't seen him since May so I'm psyched! It'll be fun to have the whole weekend together doing fun Cincinnati things and just hanging out.

Okay, I'm off to do homework and sleep. Hopefully I'll be back soon.

Purged

I should really be in bed since it's 1:45 in the morning and I have to get up at 9 to deal with UC's parking services in the morning for a parking pass but I decided on a whim (I seem to be good at this in the last 24 hours since I chose to cut my hair last night on a whim!) to purge my closet of everything that was too big.

I have an entire laundry basket of just clothes I yanked off of hangers. This doesn't include my other closet of t-shirts and shoes that I haven't gone through yet. After purging everything that is too big, I was left with about four pairs of dress pants, three pairs of capris, three pairs of jeans, and a few shirts. I'm good on pants for awhile since I just bought two new pairs tonight but my shirts are definitely going to have to be replenished because some of them are too nice to be wearing while I work at a preschool. I also had to purge all but one of my fall and winter sweaters which means I need some more of those too.

It made me sad to purge some of my clothes because I loved them but as I stared in the mirror and saw how some of those clothes swam on me now, I wondered how I ever let myself get to that size and weight. I looked through some pictures on myspace from college and I'm just amazed at the change in the last two years. Some of the weight started coming off as I started taking the meds for my PCOS, but most of it has come off since joining Fitworks.

Looking back over the last nine months, I am so glad I chose to make the leap of faith and join a gym. It was one of the hardest and scariest decisions of my life because I had always been intimidated by people who worked out and went to the gym but I love that I made that choice to become healthy and change my life. I have more energy now than I ever did. I actually enjoy running around with the kids I work with and my nieces and nephew, and all the kids I baby-sit for when before I would have been content to just let them play by themselves because I didn't have the energy to chase them. Now, they love when I go outside with them and join in their activities. I love life and being able to enjoy physical activities.

I was so tempted tonight to keep some of the clothes I loved the most but knew it would be too easy to fall back in that "comfort" zone and have those clothes to fall back onto. By tossing out everything that's too big, I'm telling myself that I will never let myself go back to that weight and instead, will keep looking to the future and the weight I know I still need to lose.

I did, however, keep the dress I wore at my college graduation and I tucked it in the back of the closet with all of my formal dresses that I keep for sentimental reasons. (Yes, I am a sap!) I just couldn't bring myself to part with it because it had been worn on such a big occasion but because it's so big, it's not something I'll be tempted to wear in public. :-P

The best part of purging my closet other than the new shopping spree I know I get to go on? All of my clothes I'm getting rid of will go to the Salvation Army. They come around every couple of months and collect items from families that don't need or want them and then donate them. This will be my third donation in the last year or so. Along with the clothes I'm also going through some kitchen stuff from school and donating it as well. I just have so much stuff that has been boxed up forever that there's no sense leaving it in boxes when I clearly haven't had a use for it in the last year and a half since I've been back at home. I'd rather it go to someone who needs it more than I do.

Alright, I'm off to bed. I need some rest if I'm going to fight with parking services in the morning. After that, it's off to the aquarium!! :-)

Girlified

Lately I find myself spending a little bit more time in front of the mirror. My makeup is actually being used (so much so that I may have to go to Bare Minerals soon for some more foundation!) and I've dug out my collection of high heeled shoes and started wearing them, even if I can't completely walk in them yet. (Heels and I have never gotten along!)

I just picked out my outfit for church tomorrow and I'm really excited about it. haha I have a jean skirt and a cute pink shirt picked out and two pairs of heels because I can't decide if black or brown heels would go better with the outfit. :-P

Anyway, enough about clothes and makeup. I baby-sat tonight and had a rough night with the youngest. I felt bad having to tell the parents how he acted and I almost made the mom cry as I was telling her about our struggles tonight. She kept apologizing and I told her not to apologize but I know her heart broke as I told her about our night because she says it's been more frequent lately.

After the kids went to bed I put my Netflix to good use and watched four and a half episodes of the show Jonas that's on the Disney channel. I was halfway through the fifth episode of season 1 when they got home so I'm about to finish watching it before I go to bed. I blame Vince for my new love of the Jonas Brothers.

Tomorrow evening Joe and I are headed down to the river for Riverfest and the WEBN fireworks, the traditional end of summer celebration here in Cincinnati. I haven't been since the first year I lived in Cincinnati...wait, no I went last summer with Megan and Brittany but we went to CCU so we weren't actually on the river. :-P It should be fun being back on the river for it though. It's the greatest fireworks show of the summer so I'm excited for it.

I also need to make Joe a cd before we go tomorrow. The last time he was home we got into a debate about our music tastes and I told him I was going to corrupt him to the dark side of country music so he asked for a cd with my favorite songs so I need to get on making that. He in return is making me a cd of dance/workout music because I was complaining that I needed new workout stuff so I'm excited to see what he comes up with. :-)

Alright, I'm off to finish Jonas and then head to bed. Night world!

Denver!

So...I haven't done an actual update since before my final. Let's see what's been going on.

Well, first of all school. I don't think I ever posted my midterm score. I bombed it. And by bombed I mean I got a D. That was a third of my grade so you can imagine my devestation over it. After that my studying kicked into overdrive and it must have paid off because I ended up getting a B in counseling theories and a 3.3 overall for the quarter!!! I was so proud of that grade, especially because my gpa has never been that high, not even during undergrad. It was in high school but college wasn't that great so I'm proud that my first quarter in a Master's program I got a 3.3!

There's been a lot of boy drama and if you're reading this on Bloop you know about it. Otherwise, I haven't been posting it. However, a lot of it has worked itself out thanks to my wonderful friend Tym and my wonderful small group leader Seth who listened to me and gave me some much needed Godly advice. I have such a feeling of peace about everything so it'll be okay. :-)

I didn't get the job at UC I interviewed for. My current job is working me full time through at least the beginning of November but I'm still job searching. I just applied at the preschool my best friend works at so I'm hoping they'll call me for an interview.

I'm getting a decent financial aid refund back for fall quarter so I think I'm going to take a portion of it and fly out to Denver for spring break to visit my cousin Terry Lee whom I haven't seen in years. I've never been to Denver and my mom was born and raised there before moving (she was a military brat as she puts it and moved around a lot growing up) so it would be cool to see where she comes from. Terry Lee moved out there a couple years ago for work so it'll be fun to go visit.

This weekend is going to be wonderful because it's a nice three day weekend. Tomorrow night I'm going back to my high school alma mater for a football game with Joe and his parents. Then Saturday I have to baby-sit. Sunday Joe and I are going down to the river for Riverfest and the fireworks so I'm excited for that. Then I plan on sleeping in on Monday. Woo!

Alright, I'm off. Have a great weekend!

Bring on the final!

After three nights and a total of nine and a half hours at Starbucks, I am done with my project for Counseling Theories! It ended up being a total of 23 pages which is ridiculous but I feel confident about it, which will make up for my bombed midterm. Plus, it helped me do some studying for the final so I'm praying that I'll be okay with this final on Thursday.

I've been doing a lot of thinking the last couple of weeks and I'm thinking about joining a new small group at church. Ours keeps shrinking since people come and go due to going back to school and I can feel God urging me to join one of the adult small groups at our church. There's a small group starting in September that's doing a Beth Moore study on the Psalms. I love Beth Moore and think that I'd grow a lot in that group. I hate the idea of leaving the young adult group because I love everyone in it but I almost feel that it's time for a change.

I don't know. I feel like there are a lot of places I need to grow and make changes in my life and as everyone knows, I don't handle change well at all. The idea of changing and branching out of my comfort zone has always scared the crap out of me but I can't stay simply because it's there. Does that make any sense?

I also have some things going on in another area of my life but it's too personal to write here where everyone can see it. Just pray for me. I hate to be so vague but it's the best I can do at the moment.

Alright, I'm off to sleep and relax. Just two more days and I get a nice four week break from school. It can't come soon enough.

Almost over

My first quarter as a grad student is almost over. Come Thursday evening I'll be completely done. Until then, all I'm going to be doing is studying and working on my project. I spent four hours at Starbucks on it last night and only got a third of the way done.

I'm sick...again. This time it's a sinus infection. I'm on antibiotics so hopefully it'll clear up soon. I feel ridiculously groggy right now and really don't want to go to work but it's only for three hours so I'm going.

I've been hanging out with my small group a lot lately. Last Sunday night we went bowling and then this past Friday night we went to play putt putt and out for ice cream. This Friday night a couple of us are going to the Reds game which should be fun. I'm excited for it. It's the one game Megan and I never miss because they play the Dodgers, which is her favorite team so she'll be in blue while the rest of us are in red. :-P

Alright, that's all I've got. I'm off to do the dishes and get ready for work. Blah.

MIA

I'm alive. I survived my first Master's level midterm. I'm not sure I want to know the results though.

I'm still ridiculously busy. Two weeks and counting before summer quarter is over and I have a few weeks off before fall quarter starts.

I have a job interview Tuesday at UC. Crossing my fingers and praying it works out.

That's all I've got. I need to go to bed because I have to go to work for four hours tomorrow for an inservice on my day off. Yuck.

Looking forward to a fun rest of the weekend though!

Maybe a longer update coming soon.

Trust

It's been a very rough week. I've been trying all week to process everything going on in my life right now. There have been a lot of tears cried, a lot of panic attacks, and a lot of arguing with God. By the time I got to small group on Wednesday night, I was so angry with God that I almost didn't go but knew that I needed to be there.

On Monday, I found out that due to me being back in school, I wasn't going to be able to work full time at my job anymore. I went from 40 hours a week to 9 hours a week. Since I have to leave work at 3 twice a week to make it to class, they need someone who can work full time in my classroom. I was offered a 3-6 position the three days a week I'm not in class and then I'll be on the sub list which means I'd be the first person to pick up any extra hours that happen to come up due to teachers being sick or on vacation.

I left work on Monday and as I drove home, I broke down in tears. I was devestated over the fact that I felt that I was losing my position and was in hysterics about how I was going to be able to pay my bills and make it without a job. As I drove home, I kept alternating between crying and panic attacks. At one point I even thought about quitting school and I knew that wasn't an option. After the way everything fell into place to get in, I knew school was where I was supposed to be.

I spent all of Monday night crying and being angry with God over how things were working out. I cried myself to sleep Monday night because I was so scared that I wasn't going to be able to make it. I went into work on Tuesday and told my boss that I would accept her position, but I also let her know that I was job searching because nine hours a week wasn't going to pay the bills.

In the week since all of this has happened, I have been so angry with God. I couldn't understand how it seemed as if everything was perfect to go back to school and then my only source of income was being cut back, especially when I had just bought a new car this summer. By Wednesday night, I was done. I told my small group that I was having a hard time trusting God and understanding what His plan for this time in my life was. Seth reminded me that God was going to answer my prayer, even if it was in the last possible hour. As he prayed over our small group, I could feel my eyes fill with tears. I could hear God telling me to trust Him, that it was all going to work out if I just let Him lead me to where He wanted me.

For the last week, I have been applying for jobs like crazy. I've looked to every possible preschool opening there is and now I'm playing a waiting game. This morning our nursery coordinator told me that come October, she may have a position for me. They need one more toddler interest for the preschool at church and they can open a toddler classroom, but they just have to wait to get the licensing from the state to open a toddler room. She told me that the teacher position would be mine and on the other days she would use me as a floater in the other classrooms.

My heart swelled as she told me this. Of course I'm going to continue job searching but she also gave me a job lead for right here in West Chester that I'm going to try and look into. As I left the nursery to go to Sunday school, I could feel God urging me to continue trusting. The service this morning also talked about trusting God to turn our "what ifs" into "but yes Lord." The music, the sermon-everything spoke right to me. It was like God was hitting me on the head going, "Heather, I've brought you this far. I'm not going to let you fall."

After the service, Jenny and I got the chance to talk in private and she told me about a situation that she's gone through in the past year that made her angry with God and question her trust but that God brought her through it stronger than ever. It was such an encouragement for me and a reminder that God is going to bring me through this, even if I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel at the moment. I just need to continue trusting Him.

I don't know what's going to happen next. I'm sure there will be more tears and more panic attacks but I know I'm going to be okay. God didn't bring me this far to drop me. He's got a plan for my life, a plan I need to allow Him to work out. It's just going to take some time. Until then, I'll be praying and waiting. That's all I can do.

Love is a choice

Last night was Ebonie's wedding and the second wedding I've attended in two weeks. Since I was so sick at Bethany's wedding, it was nice to actually be able to have a good time and enjoy myself at Ebonie's. Tym went along as my date (Amy graciously allowed me to borrow her boyfriend for the evening-thanks Amy!) and I don't think I've laughed as much as I did last night in awhile. He had me cracking up on the dance floor and he learned that I have no rhythm what so ever! It was hilarious watching me try to do the Cupid Shuffle and the Booty Call! Someone should have gotten it on video because it was entertaining!

During the wedding ceremony itself, Ebonie's pastor made a comment about love being a choice. She told Ebonie and Kelvin that even when they're tired and frustrated with each other, that they should choose to love each other and work through their differences. That comment really stuck with Tym and I and we got into a huge discussion about it during the reception while we waited for dinner.

Today at church, my pastor made a comment about love being a verb and that love is something you do, and not something you feel. We were talking about sharing the love of Christ and going out into the world and showing Christ's love by our actions. As he was talking about love being a verb, I was thinking about what Ebonie's pastor had said and it made me realize how much I have to learn about love and relationships.

I told Tym as we waited for the ceremony to start that it was the season for everyone to get married and that it seemed as if everyone I knew was getting married. He rolled his eyes and was like, "We talk about this everyday!" to which I told him that we didn't. He started to say something about how it would be my turn eventually and I interrupted and told him that I truly was okay with everyone I know getting married but I know he didn't believe me.

However, I am okay with it because after some soul searching and heart to heart conversations with God lately, I know I'm not ready for marriage. I know I am not ready to commit to a relationship and spending the rest of my life with somebody. I have things I still need to learn about love and what it means to love someone as Christ loved the church. I want to seek the Lord first and when He feels I'm ready, then I'll be ready for that next journey in my life.

Do I get lonely? Yes. Does it upset me when everyone else is going out on dates and I'm not? Yes. Does it bother me that I have to borrow a friend's boyfriend to go to a wedding? Yes. (However I had a great time and since he knew Ebonie there was no one else I would have had more fun with!) Do I think I know who I'm going to spend the rest of my life with? Yes. (Don't even ask-only certain people know and right now I'm still praying about what it is God is showing me in regards to this person).

Even with all of this, I know I'm not at a point in my life where I believe I could give myself 100% to a relationship. God still has a lot of work to do in me and through me and once He feels I'm ready for that, then I'm ready to embark on that journey. For now, I just want to see where He's going to take me next.

Road trip

Now that I've been home for a week, I figure it's time for an update. This will probably be long, but hopefully not too long!

So we left Thursday night. I had printed out directions but since they were pretty much a straight shot, I figured I wouldn't need them until we crossed over into West Virginia, especially since the highway we were taking was the one I drove to and from school for three years. Well, we got about an hour from West Virginia and decided maybe we should turn the gps on just incase we needed it. The stupid thing took us off of the highway and onto a two lane country road that went on for miles with no stops on it. It was a good thing we had a full tank of gas or we would have been in trouble!

About 15 minutes from the West Virginia border the gps lost it altogether. It had no idea where we were and kept showing us off the road. Then, it wanted me to turn left, which would have taken me directly into the Ohio River! I figured as long as I kept going straight and the river was on my left, eventually I would run into West Virginia and sure enough I did. However, as soon as I crossed over, I ended up in some little town and had no clue where I was. The gps caught back on and started navigating to our hotel. Well, there was so much construction and it was so dark that I couldn't see where the lines were and go figure there would be a cop behind me. I'm almost positive that this cop thought I was up to no good since I had out of state plates and kept hitting my brakes to figure out where I was so he followed me for a good five miles or so before I got onto the road our hotel was on and then he went another direction. He had made me so nervous knowing he was behind me and I had no clue where I was. I'm sure he got a good laugh out of my unawareness of the area.

We finally got to the hotel and it was like something out of the Twilight Zone. I had done a search on hotels.com looking for a low cost hotel with a swimming pool that had gotten great reviews. This one was $50 for the night and had gotten great reviews on the website. The pool was an afterthought by the time we got there anyway because it was midnight and we just wanted to sleep. We found out the next day it was drained anyway! The hotel gave us the creeps but we're like, "It's only for a few hours and it's cheap we'll just deal." The creepiness just continued as Megan asked the guy when the continental breakfast was (it had been on their website) and he replied with this twangy accent "Well, our restaurant burned down in a fire eight months ago." At that point Megan and I were both thinking, "What have we gotten ourselves into?" but we just took our stuff and went to our room.

We got in and got our second wind and Megan kept repeating what the guy had said in her own version of his twang and had me cracking up. I was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe! We had been watching a movie on Lifetime and when it was over, I turned off the tv and went to roll over to go to sleep when I felt something in my bed! I didn't want to turn on the lights so I'm still feeling around and to me it feels like a t-shirt. That did it for me! I turned on the lights and was yelling at Megan that there was someone's shirt in my bed and all I had to do was take one look at her face to know it was hers! Sure enough, I turned around and it was! Apparently she had thrown her shirt at me and I had never known it! That ended up giving us the giggles as I threw it back at her and I think we finally fell asleep at about 2:30 in the morning.

We got up Friday to make the rest of the drive and decided after driving for a couple of hours that maybe we should stop for lunch. I was starting to feel lightheaded because I hadn't eaten and we were driving curvy mountain roads so I wanted some food in my stomach. We stopped at a little travel plaza where Megan had pizza and Starbucks and I opted for Burger King. Well, about an hour further into our drive after that I looked at Megan (I was still driving) and was like, "I have to pull over." She tried to convince me to keep driving since we had just stopped an hour ago and I was like, "No you don't understand. Either I have to pull over or I'm going to get sick in the car." I stopped at a gas station and as soon as I got in the bathroom it was all over. (Sorry TMI I know). I was so sick that I couldn't stop shaking and as I got back in the car, I kept alternating between cold chills and hot flashes. Megan ended up having to drive the final three or four hours and we had to stop at least one other time so I could get sick.

We checked into the hotel and I was feeling okay because I had napped. That feeling didn't last long though. By the time we reached the room, I was lightheaded again and felt like I was going to pass out. I was in the fetal position on the bed with my eyes closed because the room kept spinning. We went to get the rest of our stuff from the car and I told myself that I would nap for an hour and then shower to get ready for the rehearsal dinner (all the out of town guests were invited) and I'd be fine. I ended up sleeping from 4 on Friday afternoon until 9 on Saturday morning. I woke up here and there through the night but I was pretty out of it until morning. When I did wake up, I'd feel horrible knowing we were supposed to have been at the dinner and then because Megan was spending the entire evening by herself when it was supposed to be our vacation.

Saturday morning I felt great. I was able to eat breakfast and shower and I made it through the wedding ceremony just fine. The reception was another story. Apparently I kept zoning and Megan had to keep calling my name to get my attention. I guess I even carried on a conversation with one of Bethany's co-workers and I don't even remember it! We made it through about two hours of the reception and then I was ready to leave. I was feeling okay and was like, "Let's go get dinner and maybe I'll feel better" only that didn't happen. I ate and was right back in bed in the fetal position because I felt like I was going to be sick.

I managed to become semi-coherent that evening to get a paper written that I had due on Monday but other than that, my weekend was a bust. I finally felt good on Sunday, the day we had to drive home. I got sick once that morning but afterwards, it was like the sickness just finally disappeared.

The only conclusion we can all come to is that I had gotten food poisoning from the Burger King I had eaten. Megan had drank after me prior to us stopping and she never once got sick but I did. I was miserable for an entire weekend and I still feel horrible for feeling as if I ruined our vacation. I know I didn't have that great of a time and I'm sure Megan didn't, even though she tells me she did. I'm still mad at myself for looking forward to it for months and then I ended up so miserable I couldn't even enjoy it.

I'm probably going to try and visit Bethany over winter break so we can actually spend some time together. She kept apologizing at the reception for not being able to spend more time with us and I kept telling her she was being silly, that it was her wedding day and she shouldn't feel bad for not being able to devote herself to us. I told her that's what our next visit was for!

All in all, the trip could have been a lot better. Next time I know not to stop at that travel plaza and you better believe I'll never forget which one it was!

For now, I'm off to work on a final project I have due on Monday. Pictures from the weekend to come later!

Teaser

Teaser details for when I get home:

--Long drive on Thursday in which the gps got us lost and wanted us to turn right into the river on the scenic route (which is not the way we wanted to go!)
--Checking into this podunk hotel in the middle of nowhere West Virginia (I know how to pick em let me tell you!)
--Making the last half of the drive yesterday and being so miserably sick I had to pull over so I could throw up and let Megan drive
--Spending the first 17 hours of my time in Raleigh sleeping
--An amazingly beautiful Christ centered wedding :-)
--Completing my first grad school paper

And I'm sure there will be more random details of our trip home tomorrow. :-P

Vacation!!

After looking forward to this for months, I am finally leaving for Raleigh, North Carolina tomorrow!! Megan and I are driving halfway tomorrow night and spending the night in Charleston, West Virginia before driving the last leg of the trip on Friday morning.

I can't believe that Bethany is getting married on Saturday. I remember way back to freshman year of college (ok so way back is an exaggeration...more like five years ago!) when we met and decided we didn't need men to make us happy and were completely happy to be single and having fun. Now she's getting married to an amazing man of God and I couldn't be more excited for her!

I'm sure the road trip is going to involve lots of randomness because it's Megan and I, which means there will also be lots of pictures! For now, I leave you with this one of us back in the spring of 2005 (mine and Bethany's sophomore year of college) when Bethany came to Cincinnati for the weekend for a concert! I'm sure I'll have at least one picture with the bride to be this weekend so you can see us now as compared to then. :-)

Megan, me, and Bethany-Newport on the Levee-April 2005

Have a great weekend everyone!

Rant

I'm going to rant for the length of this entry so feel free to leave now. I don't want to hear any comments like "Your time is coming" or "Learn to tell people no." I really just want to vent and get it out of my system before I lose it on someone.

Do not ask me to pick you up at the airport and then not pay to put gas in my car. That's a good 45 minute drive and a quarter tank of gas there and back. I have better things to do and I live paycheck to paycheck. That quarter tank of gas adds up quick.

I am so tired of hearing about everyone's boyfriends/girlfriends. I'm tired of having to do relationship counseling. I'm tired of listening to you rant and rave and then the next day gush about how great they are. Damn it, quit rubbing in my face about this and that. Just once I would love to have someone realize that there are some of us who aren't lucky enough to be dating someone and that we're lonely and don't always want to hear about your significant other.

I'm also tired of people not telling me things and having to find out from facebook/twitter. I mean, come on now. Don't hint around at something and then have me find out from a website that you were doing exactly what I thought you were doing. I have feelings and it hurts a whole hell of a lot more that you don't tell me things than if you were to actually tell me.

Just once, I wish I could be able to tell someone exactly how I feel when I'm feeling it. Instead, I let the moment pass. I am so tired from not being able to sleep lately because I have too much on my mind. I haven't slept in in weeks. I really want a day off to do nothing. Instead, even on my "days off" I'm constantly catching up on my to do list. The list keeps growing and I have no time for it all.

Ugh, I really just want to scream. I should be in bed but instead I'm going to try and get something accomplished before bed. I just want to run away from the whole world and instead, I keep taking on more.

Do I feel better? Nope, not at all. Will I get some backlash from this? Probably but oh well. I don't even care at this point.

P.S.-I did have a good point this weekend but that will have to wait until I'm calmed down enough to write about it.

Exhausted

I am exhausted. I am drained of any and all energy I have had in the last couple of months. I need a day to relax and instead I just keep taking on more. School is keeping me busy but I've been so tired that last night I came home from work and was passed out on the couch in a matter of an hour. I'm now three chapters behind in my reading. :-/

As if I don't have enough to do, I took on a baby-sitting job for four hours on Saturday morning, on a day when I could sleep in. I just keep telling myself-every little bit for next weekend's North Carolina trip will help.

So here's the run down of what just this weekend will look like:

Tomorrow:
Work 8-5
Dinner with Adge
Running with Denise (hopefully...I've had some issues with my shins and my knee this past week and my knee still isn't doing much better)
Sleeping

Friday:
Working 8-5 (maybe off early because we've already figured out that we're only going to have 6 kids at the most in my classroom)
Getting an oil change in my car
Dinner with Adge and her dad?
Maybe movie night with the girls?

Saturday:
Baby-sitting 10-2
Getting some reading done
Blue Ash for the fireworks with some friends

Sunday:
Church
Finishing up reading
Hopefully going to the gym
Picking my parents up from the airport

I need a mental health day. I did take a day off in August but that's still a month off. Ugh. I am sooo tired. I'm going to switch laundry over and then I'm going to go pass out.

You got the right stuff baby!

This has been one very busy week. Summer session of grad school is in full swing and I love it. I'm only taking one class at the moment but I love love love it. My classmates are wonderful and I actually enjoy reading my textbook. It's amazing how different it is from undergrad. I hated reading for class during undergrad and now, I'm fascinated. (Except tonight because I'm exhausted and have to keep re-reading. :-P )

Megan and I fulfilled a childhood dream last night and went to see New Kids on the Block in concert. It was amazing what a different dynamic it was from Brad Paisley. I think for every 30 women there was probably one guy in the crowd. Most of the crowd was women in their late 20's to late 40's and it was just fun watching everyone act like they were back in their teens. As soon as NKOTB hit the stage we all started shrieking. I'm pretty sure I even had tears in my eyes! It was, hands down, the BEST concert I have ever been to. No concert will ever top it because it's not very often that your favorite boy band reunites and goes back on tour and you get to be there for it. Megan and I are hoping they tour again next summer!

This morning I tried out a new church with my friend Brian's parents. I loved it. For the last year or so I've felt like I'm stuck with my church and I'm not moving. I haven't grown at my church in awhile and I've had this on again off again thought that I should consider changing churches. After this morning and Carl's message on listening for God's voice, I know I have a lot to pray about. I honestly think it may be time to move on, as hard as it's going to be to leave my current church. I'm meeting with Brian's parents this week to talk about how they made their transition and to pray with them about where God is leading me.

I don't intend to make any drastic changes because I told Bill and Mary that I thought it was important to honor my Sunday school commitment and finish assisting through the summer. Come fall, we'll see where God takes me next. I'm scared but excited for this journey. :-)

The only other major thing going on is my running. I've set aside three nights a week to run with Denise from my church but tonight was one night we don't run together. The gym closes at 7 on Sundays so I decided to go for a run alone. For some reason, tonight was a rough night. I walked more than I ran and it's left me discouraged because I feel like I'm never going to be able to run a mile straight without having to stop and walk and because I feel this way, I feel like I'm never going to make a 5k, let alone the half marathon goal I've set in front of me for next spring.

My sister complimented me today and said she could see the weight I've shed but lately I've felt like I'm in a rut. The last time I got on the scale at the gym it told me I was 11 pounds from the goal weight I set for October but then Andrea's scale the other night told me I was 30 pounds heavier than that and now I don't know which scale is right. I don't think Andrea's is for the simple fact that her scale puts me at a weight that would have only made me lose 15 pounds since December and I know I've lost more than that. I wish I knew where I could find an accurate scale, something that I know I can trust. Or maybe I should just stay away from the scale altogether.

Ugh I am so discouraged right now. I'm off to finish watching Army Wives and read the last chapter that needs read for class tomorrow.

Eeek!

I start grad school tomorrow!! I'm so excited but I'm also terrified. I know that this is where I'm supposed to be and I can't wait to start this new phase of my life. I just hate the first day of anything new. After tomorrow, I'll be golden. :-)

Since I'm taking one class in five weeks, I had homework before classes even began. I just spent the last hour at Starbucks reading a chapter for class tomorrow. I'm pretty sure that's all I'll be doing over the course of the two five week sessions I'm taking. Then I'll have about three or four weeks off before fall quarter starts.

I went shopping today and got a couple new things. I bought this adorable green skort and I already have it paired with a black tank top and a white shirt as my "first day of school" outfit. I'm super excited for it! I'll have to try and get a picture in it.

Alright, I'm off to shower and sleep. I have to work in the morning before orientation so 5:50 a.m. is going to come too soon!

Thoughts

I know I said I was going to do this on Tuesday night but I ended up getting home and falling asleep and our small group last night went until almost 11 so I also came home and went to bed. I wasn't going to write at all but felt that wouldn't be fair and I'm hoping after running a mile tonight and writing, that maybe I'll be able to sleep.

I haven't slept well in weeks. I'm averaging about five or six hours of sleep a night and that's it. I think a good chunk of it is due to the fact that once again things are about to change. School starts Monday and it'll be something completely different and new and I think that it being new makes me scared deep down, even if I don't realize it on the surface.

What makes me afraid the most about school is the fear that I'm not going to do well and I'm not good enough to be going back to get my Master's. My first couple of years in undergrad were rocky and a roller coaster of grades and obviously with this being a Master's program I can't afford for that to happen. I'm afraid I won't make the cut and end up being kicked out of the program, when really, I know it's ridiculous to think that way because obviously UC thinks I'm capable or I wouldn't have been accepted to such a competitive program.

On top of that, something is up at work and I'm not sure what. All of a sudden the administration has gotten really uptight and they're always on edge which makes me worried. No overtime has been given lately and we also lost our cleaning crew, though another teacher told me it was just for the summer. After having two checks bounce in the last couple of months, I'm not risking it and I'm taking tomorrow's check and cashing it at the bank the school uses and then going to deposit it in to my account so it can't bounce back on me. It's silly I even have to do this but right now, money is tight and I can't afford to have my paycheck bounce on me again.

I've also noticed lately that I've been withdrawing from everyone. I don't know what my deal is but all of a sudden it's like I can't talk to anyone and I don't want to be around anyone. Tym is worried sick about me and my constant updating of Twitter, though lately I haven't seen much of what could be upsetting him. However, no one in my day to day life knows what I'm going through with anything because I can't talk to anyone and I don't know why.

It feels as if dealing with people is just too much for me right now. I feel like I do way too much for others and don't get the same back. I also feel like I spread myself too thin and I told my small group last night that I have a problem saying no to people and because of that, I have no time to relax because I'm always on the go. I'm going to end up sick if I don't take the time out to rest and sleep but when I do relax, I'm edgy because I know there are things I could be doing.

I've been so empty spiritually lately that it's left me lacking in all areas of my life. However, this is the one area I feel is slowly building back up. God and I have been spending a lot of one on one time together and tonight as I pulled into the driveway, I felt compelled to come in the house, go in my bedroom, and just get down on my knees and pray, which is exactly what I did for a good 15 minutes. I poured my heart out and though I still know there's a lot I need to work through, I know I'm going to be okay because God will never give me more than I can handle.

The biggest thing in my life right now other than my spiritual life is my body. I feel like I was doing so well in working out and running and now, I just have no motivation to do it. The scale keeps bouncing in the last two months between two numbers and it continues to vary by about ten pounds, which drives me nuts. I had an amazing workout on Monday and then tonight I ran a mile in my neighborhood. My co-director at work told me I need to mix things up and take a class so that's what I'm going to try to do. Once a week I would love to hit a zumba class or something at the gym that will get me moving and excited about my workouts again.

The hardest part of the weight loss is that while I'm losing on top, my pants size isn't going anywhere. Everything is looser, but anything smaller than what I wear now is too tight. I hate that. I hate that my pants size is still so big, even after losing 43 pounds since December. It frustrates me to no end and I just don't know what I could do that will make me lose inches in the waist.

I've just felt discouraged everywhere in my life lately but I'm slowly taking steps to overcome it. I'm talking to and confronting the people I need to and seeking after God and His will. As for my body, well, I'll just keep pushing myself and hopefully switch things up for a bit and see if that works. If not, well, then I'll just have to re-evaluate and go from there.

Thank you to everyone who has been praying for me and thinking about me lately. I'm going to try my best not to disappear as often as I have been lately and to actually allow myself to open up in the hopes that maybe, I won't sink into such a valley again anytime soon.

Two weeks??

I can't believe it's been almost two weeks since I've updated. Everyday I come here with the intentions of writing and I have so much I want to say, but I can't make myself put it into words because I'm afraid of the reactions of certain people. Part of me wants so badly to spill my heart but I keep holding back and it drives me crazy.

So because I feel I can't share my heart, you get the shallow update.

School starts a week from Monday. I actually need to get on ordering my textbook for my first class because it's cheaper on amazon but I don't want to put it on my credit card. I'm going to try and wait until next Friday when I get paid but then I might have to rush ship it so it's here before the following Wednesday's class. Ugh, I don't know.

Work is fine. Our summer program has started so our enrollment is smaller than the school year. It makes it easier to be able to take classes because my boss could be flexible with my summer schedule. I'm not sure how fall will work out with Holly and I both back in school then.

Micah's dance season wrapped up tonight, except for Nationals which I can't go to because of school. They did a showcase tonight and it was amazing. I'm so proud of that little girl. Tomorrow I get to watch Lily dance her heart out onstage and I can't wait. :-)

Things here at home are quieter now that my sister moved back in with Brandon. I do miss having the kids around all the time, but studying will be easier now. :-P

Ok, I can't pretend to be shallow about what's going on anymore so that's all you've got. People who want to know more might just have to talk to me.

New car!

I officially have a new car! After three days of car shopping and test driving two cars tonight, I settled on a 2007 Ford Focus with 38,000 miles on it. I test drove a 2009 Focus with 1,100 miles on it but it didn't feel right so when I drove the 2007 Focus I fell in love.

I am so happy with the decision I made, even though it took me three and a half hours of working out deals with the sales consultant and test driving the cars. I am forever grateful to Megan's uncle for shopping with me tonight because he's great with cars and was able to ask questions I couldn't and worked with them to get me the monthly payment I'm making.

I feel like I'm slowly making adult decisions. Grad school, a new car, what's next?!? :-)

I leave you with the link to my car. This is the exact car I drove off the lot tonight!

http://apps.dealerconnection.com/dealers/cincinnatiford/usedvehicles?_flowExecutionKey=_cE523C25E-710B-FE1C-982A-625E4B9D8547_kE5D8C665-B308-3DE0-6183-E4CB3414E701&_eventId_vehicledetails=true&vin=1FAFP34N37W310735&dealerPACode=01970

I fell in love...

...with a car.

Yes folks, you read that right. I had to work today at school to get my classroom ready for summer session. Since I got done so early and still had to baby-sit in Milford, I decided to kill some time. I went to Wal-mart to look for a hair straightener since mine went on the fritz last weekend.

On my way back, I passed a car dealership and decided on a whim to stop in. I talked with one of the salesmen and a manager and they showed me a 2009 Chevy Aveo. For about $275 a month, I can own a brand new car. As the guy showed me various Aveos in my price range, I just fell in love with this particular color.

http://www.mikecastruccichevrolet.com/VehicleDetails/345768273

I'm going to keep shopping around but I'm pretty sure this is the car I want. I'm going to try and go to a couple of dealerships after church tomorrow but I have a feeling I'm sold on this car. We'll see though. I'm just excited that I'm finally going to have a new car, one that will be more reliable than the one I currently drive.

I'm so stinkin excited about this. I hope it all works out!

Thoughts to ponder

It always amazes me how, just as I feel like everything is falling into place, my mind goes into overload and I start to feel like something is missing. That something missing always comes back to one specific area of my life and then I just feel incomplete.

My mind is in overload right now. I haven't had a good long heart to heart with anyone in awhile and the one person I want to talk to had her cell phone shut off recently and I have no way of communicating with her. (Yes I could e-mail you or send you a facebook message but I need some best friend "face to face" time, aka I want to hear your voice. And yes she knows who she is).

I need some me time and I don't know when I'm going to get it. Because I'm broke, I keep taking on baby-sitting jobs, even as they pop up at the last minute. I feel like e-mailing our children's minister and telling her I can't do Sunday school this weekend so I can just "run away" for the weekend, which really means I just need some time to sleep and regroup and refocus away from the world. I want some one on one time with my Bible and God and I can't seem to find that time anymore.

My heart and my mind are in overload right now and I can't get them to settle down and everyone is too busy to have time to talk.

Ahh I need a vacation. At this point, I'd settle for a day of just "me" time. That's all I want.

Exciting changes!

Now that it is a week later, I'm finally getting around to sharing all of the details of my grad school acceptance with you all. This week has just been hectic and the weekend will be just as busy so I'm taking my chance to update now, even if I should be sleeping.

So my acceptance letter arrived last Thursday. As soon as I pulled it out of the mailbox, I knew I had gotten in just by the thickness of the envelope! I got back in the car, tore the envelope open, and proceeded to start shrieking as soon as I read the line "We are pleased to offer you..." I then threw the letter down, called Tym, shared the news with him, and then called my parents who were out. As soon as I heard my mom's voice I started crying and shrieking that I got in!

I have never been more proud of my accomplishments as I was at that particular moment. I never thought I would get in and I did! I got into one of the toughest programs at UC! A week later and it still hasn't sunk in yet!

Then, on Friday night when I got home from celebrating with my friends down at the river, I checked my e-mail and had received an e-mail from the financial aid office at UC. Imagine my surprise when I opened said e-mail and saw that they were offering me $20,000 in financial aid! I kept going, "Am I really seeing that many zeroes?!?" Even though the aid is in the form of loans, I was shocked to have been offered that much! Since I'm only going back part time, I won't be accepting all $20,000 because I don't want to have to pay that much back (especially with so many loans from undergrad) but I'm still excited that next year is going to be pretty much covered!

I have an appointment set up to meet with my academic adviser on Tuesday at 5:15 on campus. Before that, I arranged to leave early so I can meet with someone in the financial aid office to work the logistics of the cost for next year out, along with how to distribute some of that aid to cover this summer since I'm required to begin classes during summer quarter.

On top of all that exciting news, my mom and I have been discussing the fact that my car is not going to make it much longer. I bought my car in the winter of 2006 and have put almost 50,000 miles on it since then. How I've managed to do that I have no clue but it means my car is just about on it's last legs, as it should be since it's a 92. With that being said, we realize that between commuting to and from work everyday and now adding school into the mix, my car is not going to be able to handle it. My parents have come to an agreement that it's time for a new car and since so many dealerships are going out of business around here, they think now is the perfect time to go look for a new car.

Since I don't have a lot of credit built up, they're willing to co-sign for it as long as I make the payments on it, which I will. I'm thrilled and grateful that they're willing to do this for me! I was honestly worried about how much longer my car was going to last and if I'd be able to afford a new car myself.

What I've been reminded of through all of this this past week is how good and faithful God is. He didn't have to bless me with all of this but He did. Everything is falling into place and I'm loving every moment of watching His plan unfold before me. I couldn't be more grateful at this moment than I am for the opportunity to go back to school and to have amazing parents who are supporting me in all of the decisions I'm making. I truly am a blessed and lucky woman. I can't wait to see what the coming weeks have in store for me!

I got...

I got into the school counseling Master's program at UC!!!!! The letter finally came in the mail today and I am beyond thrilled! I have to figure out how I'm going to afford it, but it's official-I'm in!!

I need to get to bed because I just came from watching the Grey's finale at Amy's (can we say holy crap?!?) and I have to be at work in the morning so I'll be back with more logical thoughts and feelings after work.

But YAY!!! I got in!!!!! :-D

Picture highlights

Last night was a night full of laughs, cute clothes, and fun friends. I could go into details, but then, that spoils all the fun of the memories and most of them you had to be there for anyway. So I leave you with pictures of me in my new dress!

Dress shopping!

I am finally feeling better! I don't sound better but I feel 100% better than I have all week. I was sleep deprived today because last night was the first night all week I hadn't taken benadryl to help me sleep so I tossed and turned all night before finally passing out somewhere around 3 I think.

I went dress shopping with Megan after work tonight. She needs a dress for graduation and I needed one to wear to a couple of weddings this summer. We went to five different stores and I finally found the perfect dress at Kohl's. We went to Dress Barn first where I had a cute dress put on hold but after getting to Kohl's, I decided I didn't like it as much as this cute dress I found while wandering around Kohl's. So now I have a dress on hold until I get off of work tomorrow and get paid. I tried to find a link to post it but couldn't so you'll just have to wait until there are pictures of me wearing it. :-P Plus, the best part of it is that it's two sizes smaller than what I wore last summer!! YAY!!! I was thrilled when I put it on and it was a large and fit! I'm pretty sure my eyes got big and it was all I could do not to start dancing around the dressing room!

In other news, I got asked to move in with some friends. After doing some number crunching, I may be able to afford it. I'm still playing around with numbers and don't have to decide until the beginning of June so we'll see how it turns out. I've been at home for a year now and would really like to move out but we'll see. I've got to think logically about this and not just jump into it because it's something I want. I have to be able to afford it as well.

Alright, I'm off. I've been congested all day so I gave in and took some benadryl when I got home and I can feel it kicking in so I'm off to get some rest. Tomorrow is Kim's last day at work before maternity leave which makes me sad so I want to be able to enjoy it with her!

Night world!

Still sick

I'm still miserable. However, the vomiting has gone away and now I'm just left with being weak from not eating the last couple of days and a cough that is enough to almost make me sick. I called in again today because I was up and down all night getting sick and got sick this morning but I got a call from work at 11 asking if I could come in and work for a couple of hours this afternoon, so against my better judgement, I'm headed to work in about an hour.

I am so over being sick. I hate my immune system so much. It's like even the littlest of things can make me sick. I have no idea what brought this on at all. All I know is that I'm coming home from work, putting my pjs back on, and going back to bed. I have to go to work tomorrow. I can't afford to miss any more days. I didn't want to call off today but I knew puking at work also wasn't an option.

All I know is that this weekend I'm not doing anything except sleeping so this stupid illness will pass. *sigh*

Miserable

I am so stinkin miserable right now. I left work early yesterday because an hour after I got there I started throwing up. I had felt queasy as I was getting ready but I chalked it up to my normal every morning queasiness due to the meds I take right before bed. When it didn't ease up by the time I got to work, I knew I was in trouble.

I made it through half a day before they finally found someone to cover me at 1. I left work, came home, managed to drink a cup of juice and eat some toast, and then I passed out until about 7 last night. I took some benadryl around 8 and was right back in bed by 9, though I didn't sleep at all last night.

This morning I woke up and managed to make it through brushing my teeth and washing my face before I had to get sick. After getting sick three times, I called work and let them know I wasn't coming in.

I'm so miserable. It hurts to breathe in and I still feel queasy. I'm about to go back to bed after I find something I can take for this coughing. I am so sick of being sick. I hate my immune system. :-/

Weight loss journey

Megan and I were looking at pictures earlier from my trip to Athens (details to follow) and she commented on how much weight I've lost in the last couple of years. I've been meaning to do this entry for awhile so I figured why not go ahead and do it tonight? These pictures show the weight loss journey I've been on for the last couple of years.

This was taken in December of 2006 at Christmas time at Disney with my parents. I'm not sure how much I weigh here, but it definitely made me unhappy and uncomfortable.

This was taken in July or August 0f 2007 when I went to visit Megan in Baltimore. We had spent the day in D.C. and this is me sitting at Arlington Cemetary. This was my highest weight I've ever hit at 272, a weight I hope to never see again.

This is Mike and I during my graduation from OU in June of 2008. At this point I had lost about 25 pounds and weighed in around the 250ish mark.

This is Dave and I at my graduation party in June of 2008. This one is really just for Erica, since she says I talk about him a lot and she's never seen a picture of him. :-P

This is Vince and I on my birthday in October of 2008. I look like I've lost weight since graduation but I'm pretty sure my weight had stayed the same.

This was taken on New Year's Eve this year and was right after I had started working out at Fitworks. My starting weight for the gym at this point was 253.

This is Betsy and I last night at OU waiting in line for the OU version of Price is Right. My last official weigh in for March (I haven't done my April one yet...whoops) had me weighing in at 235 pounds, which is a total of 37 pounds lost since August of 2007 and a total of 18 pounds lost since joining the gym in December!

This picture was also taken last night at OU. We had decided on a whim to go out to the bars for a couple of drinks but I hadn't brought any dressy clothes with me. Monica kindly let me raid her closet even though I was convinced nothing would fit. Imagine my surprise when she brought out this cute pink tank top from Old Navy and made me try it on. To my shock and excitement, it fit! In the last two years I've gone from having to wear an XXL at Old Navy to wearing a large! In fact, just about everything I own in XL is too big so I'm slowly adding new clothes to my wardrobe. Last night was one of the first nights I've been able to go out on the town with the girls and actually feel pretty! We had such a great time!

And that, my friends, is my weight loss journey thus far in a nutshell. I'm sure I'll share more as I continue down this long, bumpy road towards a healthy me.

Weekend bullets

So this weekend was decent. Friday was rough but the rest of the weekend was fun, minus what woke us up this morning at our hotel in Columbus. Since it's late (yes it's 11:45 and I think it's late-shocking I know!) here are bullets of what happened. Details to come Tuesday since I'm going to the Reds game after work tomorrow.

• Road tripped to Columbus with Carolyn and Micah for her dance competition.
• Went to see Hannah Montana the movie during this trip. Not gonna lie-I loved it. :-P
• Had yummy pizza and watched more Disney channel in one night than I have in awhile.
• Got a 6 a.m. wake up call from the front desk saying Carolyn's car had been broken into. They took our gps and my sunglasses.
• Found out when we checked out at 10 that we were only one of three cars broken into overnight.
• This fact made us paranoid for the rest of the day so all valuables got taken into the competition.
• The competition itself was tough. Micah did well though. She took top first for both her jazz and her acro routines. Overall, acro took 8th place and jazz took 6th. We were surprised but she competed against teams from across the nation so I think that's pretty darn good in my opinion. I'm proud of her!
• I went for a run after I got home from Columbus and survived to tell about it.
• Had some sister bonding at the grocery store.
• Now it's bedtime.
• I had to edit this post three times for grammar and wording because I'm exhausted. :-P

Night world!

Spoken from the heart

Do you ever wish that just once you could tell someone how you truly feel but know you can't because they'll get upset and offended?

Welcome to my everyday life. If you're privy to it, I have a FO entry over on Bloop because I can't spill how I feel into the blogger world.

I need some time to clear my head. I think getting out of Cincinnati for the next two weekends will be good for me. I need some time away to figure things out.

Ok, time to go pack. See ya Sunday.

Run

I went on my first official run today after work with the two directors of my preschool and one of the other teachers. My co-director Brandy is my gym nazi (as I lovingly call her...no seriously I love that she's my gym nazi!) so she's holding me accountable for wanting to run the half-marathon next year. We've decided to go walking/running every Wednesday after work.

Today we would walk for five minutes and then run for a couple minutes. I am so ridiculously sore it's not even funny. Everyone says the day after is worse so we'll see how tomorrow goes. :-P

Even though I'm sore, I'm proud of myself for sticking it out, even as my lungs screamed at me. Slowly but surely I'm going to be able to do this!

Oh...and I got puked on today. Wonderful. The weekend can't get here soon enough.

It's official!!

I just got off the phone with the Hampton Inn registration people and it's official: Megan and I are going to Raleigh, North Carolina July 10-12th for Bethany's wedding!!! :-D

I haven't seen Bethany since she graduated from OU and I miss her like crazy! I wish I could get the time off of work to go before the wedding but that's okay. She's going to make a beautiful bride and I'm so stinkin excited to attend her wedding.

I told Megan I'd do some searching because we're going to have all of Friday and part of Saturday to explore and hang out before the wedding. I'm just excited for a road trip with Megan! Anyone who knows us knows that the two of us in a car could be asking for trouble but we're going to have a blast!

Ahhhh I am sooo excited! Finally something to look forward to this summer!

Spring spring spring

I love when spring comes. I sometimes wonder if I suffer from seasonal depression during the winter because I'm always so bummed. When the sun finally comes back with the warm weather it's like I'm a whole new person.

It's so beautiful out today. I had some errands to run and I did so with the music up and the windows down! I think I showed my age though because while other people were blasting that crap rap that people call music I was blasting LFO and singing along. :-P

The original plan for tonight was to go down to Newport and enjoy the first nice night of spring at the Levee but since Britt is traveling for work tomorrow we decided to stay in West Chester and just go get pizza and hang out. I'm just excited for a girls night.

I still haven't heard from UC yet. I'm officially sending an e-mail tonight because it's been over six weeks since I interviewed and we were told 2-3 weeks at most. One of the girls I met at the interview got her rejection letter two weeks ago and I still haven't heard anything. I'm assuming this means I'm wait listed but it would be nice to know for sure so I can start figuring out how to defer my loans and stuff again.

Alright, I'm off. I think I'm going to go grab a book and go out and enjoy this beautiful weather!

So you had a bad day

Love love love that song. It sums up my day today. Today had to be hands down one of the worst days I've had in awhile. It was so bad that as soon as I walked out the door of the school I got in my car and started crying. I haven't done that since Lighthouse. Hopefully this is one of the only times work will make me cry.

I made my day better by going to the gym. I met for an initial consult with a personal trainer tonight and he worked me out big time. After doing weights, I went and did 20 minutes on the elliptical so now I at least feel good.

I'm about to go out with Megan, Tym, and Amy for a bit. I really need a friends night so I'm grateful they agreed to my last minute plans.

I better go get ready. See ya.

Confused

I got a letter from my biological dad tonight. I'm trying to decide if I should even bother responding to it. I went from being shocked to upset and crying to angry. I took my anger out at the gym and now I'm sore. I guess the good point is that I got a killer workout in tonight.

I still can't believe he wrote to me. After three or four years of silence, I got a letter today out of the blue. I don't even know what to think about it.

I'm talking to Tym and Amy tomorrow before Cru to figure out what to do. Part of me wants to respond to the letter and another part just wants to throw it away and forget he wrote to me. Except now I know I won't be able to.

Damn him. Damn his timing. Why now? Why couldn't he just stay away?

Ugh. I don't even know what to think. I'm going to bed. Maybe a good night's sleep will help me think more clearly.

P.S.-I think I inadvertently got asked out on a date yesterday. I'm still trying to figure that one out too.

Hmmm

Trying to figure out how to say half the stuff I want to say without it coming across the wrong way to people. It's become really hard to open up lately. I find myself stuck in conversations on the phone and in person that have awkward silences because I feel myself holding back.

Why is everyone moving forward except me? Something for me to ponder, not that I really want to because it just hurts even more.

I should start journaling again. At least in my journal I can be real and not have to pretend to be happy all the time. Maybe that will give me some peace.

I had way too much time to think during baby-sitting tonight. Never a good thing. I think that's why I stay busy all the time-so I don't have to think about all of this stuff that has built up because no one understands anymore.

Easter is tomorrow. So psyched for the Easter services at church and having dinner with my family. I'm also grateful for my gift of salvation and Christ's death on the cross for my sins. What a wonderful Savior I follow.

I should get to bed. 8:30 is going to come too early for me.

Oh I also have a twitter now. I still don't get the point but it's out there if you feel the need to follow me. :-P