Thoughts

I know I said I was going to do this on Tuesday night but I ended up getting home and falling asleep and our small group last night went until almost 11 so I also came home and went to bed. I wasn't going to write at all but felt that wouldn't be fair and I'm hoping after running a mile tonight and writing, that maybe I'll be able to sleep.

I haven't slept well in weeks. I'm averaging about five or six hours of sleep a night and that's it. I think a good chunk of it is due to the fact that once again things are about to change. School starts Monday and it'll be something completely different and new and I think that it being new makes me scared deep down, even if I don't realize it on the surface.

What makes me afraid the most about school is the fear that I'm not going to do well and I'm not good enough to be going back to get my Master's. My first couple of years in undergrad were rocky and a roller coaster of grades and obviously with this being a Master's program I can't afford for that to happen. I'm afraid I won't make the cut and end up being kicked out of the program, when really, I know it's ridiculous to think that way because obviously UC thinks I'm capable or I wouldn't have been accepted to such a competitive program.

On top of that, something is up at work and I'm not sure what. All of a sudden the administration has gotten really uptight and they're always on edge which makes me worried. No overtime has been given lately and we also lost our cleaning crew, though another teacher told me it was just for the summer. After having two checks bounce in the last couple of months, I'm not risking it and I'm taking tomorrow's check and cashing it at the bank the school uses and then going to deposit it in to my account so it can't bounce back on me. It's silly I even have to do this but right now, money is tight and I can't afford to have my paycheck bounce on me again.

I've also noticed lately that I've been withdrawing from everyone. I don't know what my deal is but all of a sudden it's like I can't talk to anyone and I don't want to be around anyone. Tym is worried sick about me and my constant updating of Twitter, though lately I haven't seen much of what could be upsetting him. However, no one in my day to day life knows what I'm going through with anything because I can't talk to anyone and I don't know why.

It feels as if dealing with people is just too much for me right now. I feel like I do way too much for others and don't get the same back. I also feel like I spread myself too thin and I told my small group last night that I have a problem saying no to people and because of that, I have no time to relax because I'm always on the go. I'm going to end up sick if I don't take the time out to rest and sleep but when I do relax, I'm edgy because I know there are things I could be doing.

I've been so empty spiritually lately that it's left me lacking in all areas of my life. However, this is the one area I feel is slowly building back up. God and I have been spending a lot of one on one time together and tonight as I pulled into the driveway, I felt compelled to come in the house, go in my bedroom, and just get down on my knees and pray, which is exactly what I did for a good 15 minutes. I poured my heart out and though I still know there's a lot I need to work through, I know I'm going to be okay because God will never give me more than I can handle.

The biggest thing in my life right now other than my spiritual life is my body. I feel like I was doing so well in working out and running and now, I just have no motivation to do it. The scale keeps bouncing in the last two months between two numbers and it continues to vary by about ten pounds, which drives me nuts. I had an amazing workout on Monday and then tonight I ran a mile in my neighborhood. My co-director at work told me I need to mix things up and take a class so that's what I'm going to try to do. Once a week I would love to hit a zumba class or something at the gym that will get me moving and excited about my workouts again.

The hardest part of the weight loss is that while I'm losing on top, my pants size isn't going anywhere. Everything is looser, but anything smaller than what I wear now is too tight. I hate that. I hate that my pants size is still so big, even after losing 43 pounds since December. It frustrates me to no end and I just don't know what I could do that will make me lose inches in the waist.

I've just felt discouraged everywhere in my life lately but I'm slowly taking steps to overcome it. I'm talking to and confronting the people I need to and seeking after God and His will. As for my body, well, I'll just keep pushing myself and hopefully switch things up for a bit and see if that works. If not, well, then I'll just have to re-evaluate and go from there.

Thank you to everyone who has been praying for me and thinking about me lately. I'm going to try my best not to disappear as often as I have been lately and to actually allow myself to open up in the hopes that maybe, I won't sink into such a valley again anytime soon.