This weekend, I am headed north to visit my best friend for the weekend and I’ve already prepared him for the fact that I am going to pour out a lot of what is on my heart to him. We’ve been friends for 11 years, but I’ve never been truthful with him about my childhood and the inner struggles I still battle as an adult because of it. I sent him a novel tonight with a picture I took of a journal entry I just wrote and told him it was time. He’s never pressured me to share but he knows there are scars I carry and the only way I’m going to continue to find healing is to share my story and to grow from it. Part of my fear in telling him (and anyone really) is that I’m always afraid people will see me as too much to handle and decide there is someone better out there to be friends with. I know it’s completely illogical but that’s just how my brain works.
Tonight I was reading in Ephesians and came to this verse, which prompted my whole novel of a text message that I sent to him. As I journaled this, I was reflecting on the fact that while there is brokenness and pain in my story, there is also redemption and beauty from the ashes. God has taken my story and used it to bring freedom to the students I work with. Every day I get to watch my experiences transform the lives of my students because I can fully relate and understand the pain they are experiencing and going through and show them that there is something beautiful that can come from their own experiences.
While I wouldn't wish my story on anyone, I know there are good things that have come out of it. Everything I have been through has only made me stronger. Last week at our women's group, we talked a lot about grace and most of the women in my group talked about how we struggle to give ourselves grace for the things we've thought about ourselves, the mistakes we've made, and the struggles we've experienced. One of the women in my group shared about how when she first became a believer, she stood in front of a mirror and apologized to herself for the things she had done and how much it changed her. I thought about how I make my students write out affirmations on a mirror and how apologizing to yourself could be so incredibly powerful. I shared with the women in my group that that was what I was going to do this week and then asked one of my friends to hold me accountable to it.
Tonight, I stood in front of my mirror with worship music playing and I apologized to myself for spending so many years believing the lies from my childhood, for shoving down my feelings, and for shutting people out and not letting them get close. I can't even begin to describe the peace I felt from that experience and the freedom I know is going to come from learning to give myself grace. I know I still have some growing to do, but just like this verse says, I have been created anew to do the good things He planned for me so many years ago. It's time to start living that truth out.
