Walking in obedience

For the past several weeks, I have been blown away time and time again by how faithful God is as I continue to walk in obedience and follow the path He is setting out before me. A few weeks ago, I blogged about how I was give an opportunity that I never thought I wanted, one that I found myself praying over. Well, since then, I very distinctly had friends speak truth into my life that only confirmed what I knew God was calling me to do.

When I first started at Crossroads and got involved at crux, I repeatedly told my friends that I was in a season of my life where I was only meant to receive. I had spent the past five years serving and pouring into others and I thought for sure this was going to be my season of rest and receiving to build back up where I felt I was struggling. Well, it wasn't but a few months of being involved with crux before my friend Laura reached out to me and asked me to facilitate a small group of girls within our pod. We were growing exponentially and we were becoming too big to stay together and really be able to dig into what we were learning at crux. I very hesitantly agreed and found out that facilitating came naturally to me. I enjoyed the small group of girls I got to do life with each week and loved that we checked in with each other over the course of the week and were praying for each other outside of crux. I remember telling Laura that even though I was facilitating, I most definitely did NOT feel called to be a pod leader. I was comfortable where I was and I was finally starting to form relationships with the people I had spent months running from. Surely God wouldn't ask me to give that up...would He?

Well, imagine my surprise when Laura and Josh approached me in February and told me that they thought I was ready to be a pod leader. I had to have had the most dumbfounded look on my face because I knew there was NO way that was ever going to happen! They told me to think about it and pray about it and to see where God took it. I immediately (and I mean not even 24 hours went by) sought out three very close friends that I go to for spiritual advice and asked them what they thought and all three were in agreement that they thought this was a good move for me. They had seen what God was doing in my life through crux and Crossroads and they thought I was ready for something more. 

I spent another two weeks praying about it before I found myself spilling everything out to Megan via text messaging one afternoon while sitting in the middle of a Panera praying and listening to worship music. It's funny how God uses people and brings them back into your life at a moment when you need them most. Megan and I have been friends FOREVER and even when we go months without talking, somehow God puts us back together when we need each other the most. I found myself telling her all about how I was wrestling with God over being a leader and how I was unsure I was qualified to do it and kept coming up with one dumb reason after another for why it wouldn't work. She told me to take the song Oceans by Hillsong and to use that song as a prayer. She knew I was headed to meet with someone in leadership that night and knew that song would give me the answers I would need, which is funny because that's one of the first songs that played during a Saturday night service when I first started at Crossroads last spring and it quickly became my anthem. All I wanted was for God to lead me deeper than my own feet could take me and that's exactly how this past year has played out. 

The night I said yes to being a pod leader, we were doing a worship and community night at crux and Oceans just happened to come on over the loudspeaker as we were moving to our first rotation. As soon as that song started, I felt a peace that could have only come from God. I immediately pulled out my phone and text Megan, who of course told me I was having a God moment! As we moved from one rotation to the next, Laura commented to me that she thought I looked peaceful and I realized in that moment that I was. I knew by saying yes to being a pod leader and stretching out of my comfort zone, that I was walking in obedience and doing what God was asking me to do. 

Over the past two weeks, I've had moments where I know I'm exactly where God wants me to be. It's still weird to me to not be with the group that I spent the past year developing relationships and growing with, but I know I'm where I'm supposed to be. I thought for sure no one could love me the way the girls from my old pod did, but last night, the girls in my new pod, the ones I'm supposed to be leading, made me cry and loved on me in a way I never expected. We were talking about repentance and the things we were struggling with and I found myself getting antsy, knowing I was feeling nudged by the Holy Spirit to be vulnerable and share something very personal with them. As I found myself spilling out this moment of intensity, I was inwardly kicking myself for opening up so quickly. Imagine my surprise when these amazing women immediately asked if they could lay hands on me and pray over me. 

As I sat there with my head bowed, all I could do was sniffle back tears at how good and how faithful the Lord is. I wanted this to be a year where I was stretched out of my comfort zone and it certainly has already been that way. I tried to put my own timeline on God's plans and He very gently turned that timeline around to what He wanted. I am so excited to do life with these incredible ladies (well and the guys too...but especially the girls!) and I know God has big plans for our pod for this year. 

I am especially thankful for the friends who aren't afraid to speak truth and love into my life and know me better than I know myself. They make me strive to be a better person and to run after the Lord wholeheartedly. It's a blessing to have people I can chase Jesus with and to know that they love me and will have my back when I need them the most. Walking in obedience isn't always easy, but the rewards are oh so sweet. 

Fear and restoration

During my cruise back over New Year's, I spent a lot of time alone, staring out over the ocean, and praying about whatever came to mind. A lot of times, my prayers were focused on a specific area of my life, something I have been praying about for YEARS. In those moments, all I heard was silence. All I continue to hear is silence. I know God isn't ready for me to have an answer about that area of my life so I can continue to be patient.

However, in these moments, I also prayed for ways to be stretched and thrown outside of my comfort zone in 2015. I thought part of stepping outside of my comfort zone was going to be going on a Go trip with Crossroads until there were too many conflicts with the dates that kept me from being able to sign up. I wasn't sure where God would lead me to stretch my faith this year so in my quiet times, I continued praying for ways to step outside of my comfort zone.

I have been battling some major anxieties and insecurities since the fall when I finally gave up my battle of running and realized that God wanted me at Crossroads. I got plugged into my pod and started facilitating a small group of women who I love so much. It is such an encouragement to spend Thursday evenings with them, breaking down the message of what we're taught at Crux and pushing each other to set goals for the week. We check in with each other during the week and know that we're praying for each other even when we're apart. On top of facilitating on Thursdays, I've been leading a ladies Bible study where we've been working through the book of John. There's nothing like stepping up as a leader that brings all of your fears and insecurities to the surface. I even told my friend Laura when I agreed to facilitate that while I was okay doing so in our pod, I had no desire to become a pod leader because I just didn't think I had what it takes to lead a huge group of people.

You would think by now that I would learn that when I tell God what I'm NOT going to do, He'll turn right around and tell me what I AM going to do. This week at Crux I was given an opportunity that I never thought I wanted.  It left my mind flustered and all of my insecurities immediately came to the surface. By the time our small group time wound up on Thursday night, all I wanted to do was cry. How could God be asking me to walk away from the place that has finally become comfortable? How could He be asking me to start all over again?

I've spent the last 48 hours thinking and praying through this and seeking the guidance of people who know me better than I know myself. In the midst of my quiet prayer time, all I could hear in my mind was "I can't do this. I'm too afraid. I don't want to start all over again." I feel as if I spend my whole life in fear. The only time my fear doesn't seem to get the best of me is when I travel. My stepdad likes to joke with me that I won't do many things, but yet I'll run off to a foreign country no question asked...and it's true. Yet in my day to day life, I quiver inside with fear at the prospect of change and doing new things.

It's part of what kept from even looking for school counseling jobs last year. It's what keeps me from really stepping up and being a leader. It's why I don't push myself to be the best at something. In the back of my mind, I always think that there's someone who is way more qualified than I ever could be. I tell myself that I'm not knowledgeable enough, not smart enough, etc, etc. There's always a reason for me to NOT do something so I don't.

I know that I'm not supposed to be afraid. I also know that God doesn't call the qualified. He qualifies the called. But yet, here I sit, with my mind in 500 million places, thinking to myself that this is what I get for praying for growth. My friends Brian and Kate both told me that they think I could rock being a leader. It's funny how I went to both of them for advice and both of them used that same exact phrase. I am so thankful for them, for the fact that they encouraged me, listened to me talk out all of my fears, and then told me exactly what I needed to hear. They weren't afraid to call me on my insecurities and my doubts and both are pushing me towards this road.

I'm so tired of living my life in fear. During my vacation, as I spent time praying over my words for the year, I could hear God whispering "Restore. Healing. Whole." I know that He can heal me of this fear and these insecurities that I allow to get the best of me. I know that I need to trust Him and dig into the Word every time I start to struggle. He doesn't want me to be afraid. He wants me to run after Him with reckless abandon, trusting that He would never take me down a road where He hasn't already gone. To be able to do that, I know that I need to let down my walls and barriers that allow this fear to take over. I need to surround myself with truth and light and let those speak into my life to overshadow the fear when it creeps in.

I want to live. I want my life to reflect His goodness and His truth. I don't want to be the one cowering in a corner as life passes me by. I want to be right in the middle of it, dancing in the rain and enjoying every moment of sunshine that crosses my path.

2015. The year of healing, wholeness, and restoration.