During my cruise back over New Year's, I spent a lot of time alone, staring out over the ocean, and praying about whatever came to mind. A lot of times, my prayers were focused on a specific area of my life, something I have been praying about for YEARS. In those moments, all I heard was silence. All I continue to hear is silence. I know God isn't ready for me to have an answer about that area of my life so I can continue to be patient.
However, in these moments, I also prayed for ways to be stretched and thrown outside of my comfort zone in 2015. I thought part of stepping outside of my comfort zone was going to be going on a Go trip with Crossroads until there were too many conflicts with the dates that kept me from being able to sign up. I wasn't sure where God would lead me to stretch my faith this year so in my quiet times, I continued praying for ways to step outside of my comfort zone.
I have been battling some major anxieties and insecurities since the fall when I finally gave up my battle of running and realized that God wanted me at Crossroads. I got plugged into my pod and started facilitating a small group of women who I love so much. It is such an encouragement to spend Thursday evenings with them, breaking down the message of what we're taught at Crux and pushing each other to set goals for the week. We check in with each other during the week and know that we're praying for each other even when we're apart. On top of facilitating on Thursdays, I've been leading a ladies Bible study where we've been working through the book of John. There's nothing like stepping up as a leader that brings all of your fears and insecurities to the surface. I even told my friend Laura when I agreed to facilitate that while I was okay doing so in our pod, I had no desire to become a pod leader because I just didn't think I had what it takes to lead a huge group of people.
You would think by now that I would learn that when I tell God what I'm NOT going to do, He'll turn right around and tell me what I AM going to do. This week at Crux I was given an opportunity that I never thought I wanted. It left my mind flustered and all of my insecurities immediately came to the surface. By the time our small group time wound up on Thursday night, all I wanted to do was cry. How could God be asking me to walk away from the place that has finally become comfortable? How could He be asking me to start all over again?
I've spent the last 48 hours thinking and praying through this and seeking the guidance of people who know me better than I know myself. In the midst of my quiet prayer time, all I could hear in my mind was "I can't do this. I'm too afraid. I don't want to start all over again." I feel as if I spend my whole life in fear. The only time my fear doesn't seem to get the best of me is when I travel. My stepdad likes to joke with me that I won't do many things, but yet I'll run off to a foreign country no question asked...and it's true. Yet in my day to day life, I quiver inside with fear at the prospect of change and doing new things.
It's part of what kept from even looking for school counseling jobs last year. It's what keeps me from really stepping up and being a leader. It's why I don't push myself to be the best at something. In the back of my mind, I always think that there's someone who is way more qualified than I ever could be. I tell myself that I'm not knowledgeable enough, not smart enough, etc, etc. There's always a reason for me to NOT do something so I don't.
I know that I'm not supposed to be afraid. I also know that God doesn't call the qualified. He qualifies the called. But yet, here I sit, with my mind in 500 million places, thinking to myself that this is what I get for praying for growth. My friends Brian and Kate both told me that they think I could rock being a leader. It's funny how I went to both of them for advice and both of them used that same exact phrase. I am so thankful for them, for the fact that they encouraged me, listened to me talk out all of my fears, and then told me exactly what I needed to hear. They weren't afraid to call me on my insecurities and my doubts and both are pushing me towards this road.
I'm so tired of living my life in fear. During my vacation, as I spent time praying over my words for the year, I could hear God whispering "Restore. Healing. Whole." I know that He can heal me of this fear and these insecurities that I allow to get the best of me. I know that I need to trust Him and dig into the Word every time I start to struggle. He doesn't want me to be afraid. He wants me to run after Him with reckless abandon, trusting that He would never take me down a road where He hasn't already gone. To be able to do that, I know that I need to let down my walls and barriers that allow this fear to take over. I need to surround myself with truth and light and let those speak into my life to overshadow the fear when it creeps in.
I want to live. I want my life to reflect His goodness and His truth. I don't want to be the one cowering in a corner as life passes me by. I want to be right in the middle of it, dancing in the rain and enjoying every moment of sunshine that crosses my path.
2015. The year of healing, wholeness, and restoration.
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