I'm getting ready to head out to baby-sit my favorite cousins tonight so I'm going to make this quick. It's on my mind and I know if I don't blog about it now, I'll never get around to blogging about it so I figured I would do it now so I don't have to take my computer with me tonight.
I just got done taking a shower and I'm amazed at the confident young woman that was staring back at me in the mirror when I was getting dressed. Two years ago, I never would have imagined that my life would be where it is right now or that I would ever have confidence in the person I have grown up to be. I never would have thought myself capable of training for a half marathon or even losing the weight that over the years I have struggled with.
Three years ago when I was diagnosed with PCOS, I thought my life was over. My dreams of having a family had suddenly vanished, along with the hope of ever getting married because who would want to marry a woman who couldn't give them a family? It took me almost a year to work through the emotions of being told that I may never have kids of my own before I realized that if I'm meant to have kids, God will bless me with a family, whether they be my own flesh and blood or children I've adopted who have captured my heart. This diagnosis no longer hung over my head and I began to make changes to overcome what the doctors had told me.
Each doctor's appointment, I was constantly lectured on how much I could control my own treatmeant by exercising and eating right. I blew it off until about six months after I graduated from OU. I had grown to hate the person staring back at me from the mirror and silently asked myself how I had ever let myself get to the weight I was at. Yes, I may have lost about 20 pounds from the time I was diagnosed and started medicine to the time I joined Fitworks, but I still hated the person I had become.
Now, three years after my diagnosis and almost two years after joining Fitworks, I am down a whopping 50 pounds and I'm training for a half marathon. I still have a long way to go before I hit a weight that is acceptable for my height but suddenly it no longer seems impossible. For me, it's no longer about the numbers on the scale. Yes, I love when they drop each month (such as this morning when I got on and I had dropped another three pounds from last month which put me at my July goal!) but it's no longer the numbers I care about. It's the confidence and maturity I see in myself that matters the most.
I'm signing up to run a 5k on August 21st, the first of many I hope to run in anticipation of running 13.1 miles at the Flying Pig next May. This morning Denise and I went for a three mile run/walk (because let's face it-I can't run three full miles yet!) and we were talking about how incredible it is for me to be at this point because last year at this time, I dreaded running. I couldn't run further than a couple of houses down the street from her before I had to stop and catch my breath. Now, I can run almost a quarter of a mile before having to stop, which for me is an incredible step. After finishing three miles this morning for the first time ever, I proved to myself that I CAN and WILL finish this 5k in August and I CAN and WILL finish the half marathon at the Pig next May.
Denise commented on my outfit this morning because I had bought actual running clothes last weekend and she mentioned how trim I looked. I tend to still blow these comments about my weight loss off because I still feel self conscious, but this morning I loved that she acknowledged it. It helped for someone else to see the progress I'm making and to comment on it. It boosts my confidence each time someone else sees the progress that I'm making, especially when I get frustrated at times that I'm not where I want myself to be.
My cousin Jen says that running is 95% a mental state and that to make progress, I need to believe that I can do it. After this morning and the three miles I finished, I now believe. I KNOW I can do this and I can't wait to cross that finish line, both at the 5k in August and then at the half marathon in May. I still can't believe this is my life and where I'm at, but what I do know is that I love the confidence I have developed and the person I'm slowly growing into. It was a long time coming and damn does it feel good!
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Letting God write my love story
Last night I decided on a whim to stop by the library on my way home. I haven't been to the West Chester library since the new branch opened about a year ago and since I wasn't feeling well, I wanted something to read. I got a new library card (it's been that long since I've been there!) and started exploring the shelves when I stumbled across this book called Never the Bride by Cheryl McKay and Rene Gutteridge. Since we all know I'm a sap and complain about how I'm always the bridesmaid and never the bride, I decided to check this book out without even reading the back of the book to see what it was about.
I started it last night and fell asleep about two chapters in thanks to my cold meds and then read some more on my lunch break today. I hated to put it down and finished it tonight in a hot bath after movie night with my mom. This book was my life in a nutshell. The main character, Jessie, was in her thirties, but other than that, she could have been telling my life story. The best part of the whole book? It was given from a Christian perspective and was about her struggle to give God the pen to her love story. I laughed, I cried, I groaned, and I rejoiced throughout the whole book. I don't want to share more details because I think it's a must read, but it got me thinking, which is the point of this post.
In the book, Jessie struggles to understand why she's single. She looks for love in all the wrong places and you can't help but groan during a couple of chapters when she's setting herself up for disaster by dating a man you know is clearly wrong for her. As I read those chapters, I couldn't help but ask myself how many times I've done that too. God's timing isn't good enough for me so I have eyes for the first guy who shows me attention, thinking that he is the answer God is clearly giving me. After all, he showed up in my life at just the right moment. Clearly this is what God wants isn't it?
I can't tell you how many times since high school that this scene has played out in my life and how many times I have been left broken hearted because of it. When am I going to give God the pen to my journal and let Him write my love story? How long will I keep taking back control instead of letting Him write this beautiful story He knows is best for me?
That's what this year of not dating is all about. It's about trusting, believing, and knowing that God's way is best and that if I allow Him to, He has a beautiful story for my future. It may not be the future that I envision with the person I envision and dream of, but it will be the right future because it will be one that He ordains and scripts out for me. There is nothing I want more than that future, even if it means waiting.
I started it last night and fell asleep about two chapters in thanks to my cold meds and then read some more on my lunch break today. I hated to put it down and finished it tonight in a hot bath after movie night with my mom. This book was my life in a nutshell. The main character, Jessie, was in her thirties, but other than that, she could have been telling my life story. The best part of the whole book? It was given from a Christian perspective and was about her struggle to give God the pen to her love story. I laughed, I cried, I groaned, and I rejoiced throughout the whole book. I don't want to share more details because I think it's a must read, but it got me thinking, which is the point of this post.
In the book, Jessie struggles to understand why she's single. She looks for love in all the wrong places and you can't help but groan during a couple of chapters when she's setting herself up for disaster by dating a man you know is clearly wrong for her. As I read those chapters, I couldn't help but ask myself how many times I've done that too. God's timing isn't good enough for me so I have eyes for the first guy who shows me attention, thinking that he is the answer God is clearly giving me. After all, he showed up in my life at just the right moment. Clearly this is what God wants isn't it?
I can't tell you how many times since high school that this scene has played out in my life and how many times I have been left broken hearted because of it. When am I going to give God the pen to my journal and let Him write my love story? How long will I keep taking back control instead of letting Him write this beautiful story He knows is best for me?
That's what this year of not dating is all about. It's about trusting, believing, and knowing that God's way is best and that if I allow Him to, He has a beautiful story for my future. It may not be the future that I envision with the person I envision and dream of, but it will be the right future because it will be one that He ordains and scripts out for me. There is nothing I want more than that future, even if it means waiting.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Big changes are coming...I think?
For the last two weeks, I've felt as if God is tugging on my heart and trying to get my attention. What it is He's trying to tell me, I still haven't deciphered, but I'm working on it. We've been talking in our small group and with the youth lately about dying to ourselves and doing things outside of our comfort zone that we clearly know God is calling us to do, even when we ourselves don't think we are capable of doing them.
This is where I am right now. I can clearly hear God calling me to start reaching out to other young adults in our church, people who are not involved in other groups and people I think could benefit from the fellowship and growth that our group has experienced together. The only thing holding me back is the fact that I don't personally know some of these people, though I can sense God pushing me to reach out. I don't do well in new social situations so this is holding me back from reaching out to them. I know I need to get over this hump because we've been talking about our group needing to grow and reach out so I need to stop being stubborn and let God lead this to where it needs to go.
Along with that, I've been involved with our youth group since last fall when I volunteered to chaperone fall retreat. Since then, I have been actively attending Sunday evenings and even Sunday morning during Sunday school. God has laid it on my heart to become more involved with the girls in the group and start pouring into their lives even more than I already do. Seth has organized a girls night out in August during which I'm hoping to get a feel for what it is they need and want. Seth is obviously a man so he can't understand some of their teenage struggles and I want them to know they have a woman they can look up to and turn to when they need someone.
Again, the only problem with this is that I feel as if I'm incapable of doing this. God has called me to work with these youth and invest in their lives but yet I hold myself back because I let myself think that I can't do it. Seth has asked me if I have interest in teaching occasionally on Sunday nights and after praying about it, I feel as if it's something I'm being led to do but I'm letting my silly human emotions get in the way of the work God wants to do with this group.
I'm also sensing Him working in my own personal life in areas I'm not fully ready to disclose yet. Some of it is relationships, some of it is friendships, and some of it is my future after grad school. I'm praying and journaling and trying to make sense of where God is trying to lead me. I know He'll never give me more than I can handle so I need to shake off these feelings of being incapable and roll with what God is leading me to do. I think He could do great things through me if I could only let Him have control.
This is where I am right now. I can clearly hear God calling me to start reaching out to other young adults in our church, people who are not involved in other groups and people I think could benefit from the fellowship and growth that our group has experienced together. The only thing holding me back is the fact that I don't personally know some of these people, though I can sense God pushing me to reach out. I don't do well in new social situations so this is holding me back from reaching out to them. I know I need to get over this hump because we've been talking about our group needing to grow and reach out so I need to stop being stubborn and let God lead this to where it needs to go.
Along with that, I've been involved with our youth group since last fall when I volunteered to chaperone fall retreat. Since then, I have been actively attending Sunday evenings and even Sunday morning during Sunday school. God has laid it on my heart to become more involved with the girls in the group and start pouring into their lives even more than I already do. Seth has organized a girls night out in August during which I'm hoping to get a feel for what it is they need and want. Seth is obviously a man so he can't understand some of their teenage struggles and I want them to know they have a woman they can look up to and turn to when they need someone.
Again, the only problem with this is that I feel as if I'm incapable of doing this. God has called me to work with these youth and invest in their lives but yet I hold myself back because I let myself think that I can't do it. Seth has asked me if I have interest in teaching occasionally on Sunday nights and after praying about it, I feel as if it's something I'm being led to do but I'm letting my silly human emotions get in the way of the work God wants to do with this group.
I'm also sensing Him working in my own personal life in areas I'm not fully ready to disclose yet. Some of it is relationships, some of it is friendships, and some of it is my future after grad school. I'm praying and journaling and trying to make sense of where God is trying to lead me. I know He'll never give me more than I can handle so I need to shake off these feelings of being incapable and roll with what God is leading me to do. I think He could do great things through me if I could only let Him have control.
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