Confidence

I'm getting ready to head out to baby-sit my favorite cousins tonight so I'm going to make this quick. It's on my mind and I know if I don't blog about it now, I'll never get around to blogging about it so I figured I would do it now so I don't have to take my computer with me tonight.

I just got done taking a shower and I'm amazed at the confident young woman that was staring back at me in the mirror when I was getting dressed. Two years ago, I never would have imagined that my life would be where it is right now or that I would ever have confidence in the person I have grown up to be. I never would have thought myself capable of training for a half marathon or even losing the weight that over the years I have struggled with.

Three years ago when I was diagnosed with PCOS, I thought my life was over. My dreams of having a family had suddenly vanished, along with the hope of ever getting married because who would want to marry a woman who couldn't give them a family? It took me almost a year to work through the emotions of being told that I may never have kids of my own before I realized that if I'm meant to have kids, God will bless me with a family, whether they be my own flesh and blood or children I've adopted who have captured my heart. This diagnosis no longer hung over my head and I began to make changes to overcome what the doctors had told me.

Each doctor's appointment, I was constantly lectured on how much I could control my own treatmeant by exercising and eating right. I blew it off until about six months after I graduated from OU. I had grown to hate the person staring back at me from the mirror and silently asked myself how I had ever let myself get to the weight I was at. Yes, I may have lost about 20 pounds from the time I was diagnosed and started medicine to the time I joined Fitworks, but I still hated the person I had become.

Now, three years after my diagnosis and almost two years after joining Fitworks, I am down a whopping 50 pounds and I'm training for a half marathon. I still have a long way to go before I hit a weight that is acceptable for my height but suddenly it no longer seems impossible. For me, it's no longer about the numbers on the scale. Yes, I love when they drop each month (such as this morning when I got on and I had dropped another three pounds from last month which put me at my July goal!) but it's no longer the numbers I care about. It's the confidence and maturity I see in myself that matters the most.

I'm signing up to run a 5k on August 21st, the first of many I hope to run in anticipation of running 13.1 miles at the Flying Pig next May. This morning Denise and I went for a three mile run/walk (because let's face it-I can't run three full miles yet!) and we were talking about how incredible it is for me to be at this point because last year at this time, I dreaded running. I couldn't run further than a couple of houses down the street from her before I had to stop and catch my breath. Now, I can run almost a quarter of a mile before having to stop, which for me is an incredible step. After finishing three miles this morning for the first time ever, I proved to myself that I CAN and WILL finish this 5k in August and I CAN and WILL finish the half marathon at the Pig next May.

Denise commented on my outfit this morning because I had bought actual running clothes last weekend and she mentioned how trim I looked. I tend to still blow these comments about my weight loss off because I still feel self conscious, but this morning I loved that she acknowledged it. It helped for someone else to see the progress I'm making and to comment on it. It boosts my confidence each time someone else sees the progress that I'm making, especially when I get frustrated at times that I'm not where I want myself to be.

My cousin Jen says that running is 95% a mental state and that to make progress, I need to believe that I can do it. After this morning and the three miles I finished, I now believe. I KNOW I can do this and I can't wait to cross that finish line, both at the 5k in August and then at the half marathon in May. I still can't believe this is my life and where I'm at, but what I do know is that I love the confidence I have developed and the person I'm slowly growing into. It was a long time coming and damn does it feel good!