Faithful

One thing I've learned in the seven years I've been walking with Christ is that God is always faithful. When you pray, He answers. Maybe not always in the way that you expect, but in His own way. I truly believe that God gives you the desires of your heart-if they are the desires He so wants you to have. This is where I'm struggling at the moment. I know Tym is going to read this and be like "Here we go again" so Tym, feel free to disregard this post. This is your warning.

It's time for me to share my heart (without mentioning names so for those who read and know who I'm talking about, please no comments regarding said person's name) and be real. I need some place to share my heart and what I'm feeling so this is me doing so. You have been warned!

For six years, I have been praying for one specific person. One person that I have heard God tell me over and over that this was the one person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. It went from praying vaguely about my future husband and the kind of man I knew God was creating him to be to being about an actual person that I felt God had revealed to me on a Christmas Eve service at church.

This isn't to say that in six years I haven't gone out on dates because I definitely have. Many of those dates ended with the confirmation that those people weren't meant to be more than a friend. The more I prayed about it, the more I really felt God leading me towards this particular person. We had been friends forever and our hang out times were starting to become more serious as we began to seriously share what was going on in our lives with each other. He was one of the few people I could be real with and know that there would be no judgement and criticism.

I had a revelation this weekend at fall retreat where I realized I needed to talk to this person and share my heart. I had to determine exactly what it was I felt and where we stood because I was just setting myself up to get hurt and if he isn't the one God has intended for me, then it's not fair to continue to give parts of my heart to him and for him to give parts of his heart to me. We're both going to end up losing parts of our heart we can't get back and I realized it's not fair to either of our future spouses to become so close and share so much of ourselves with each other if we're not meant to spend the rest of our lives together.

The only problem with my revelation was finding the perfect time and way to do it. I have always been a firm believer that I wanted the man to make the first move in our relationship and to help determine where we stand but is it fair to expect that when we don't have a relationship? Where is the fine line in figuring out if it's okay for me to ask him where we stand?

At the same time, I've recently begun spending time with a guy I find myself attracted to, someone I highly enjoy spending time with, a guy who is sweet, funny, and intelligent. What's the catch you ask? I don't think we're on the same page spiritually and this is where I stop in my tracks. He told me he didn't consider himself a religious person (I don't even remember what we were talking about that prompted that response) and it kind of stopped me in my tracks because I knew that this wouldn't work. 2 Corinthians 6: 14 says "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?"

I know I can't date someone who isn't on the same page as me spiritually. I need someone who can lead me spiritually, someone I can turn to who will understand my struggles and help me through my darkest times. I need someone who will pray with me, who will worship with me, and who will love me as Christ loved the church.

For six years I have been praying for this person by name. It never seems to fail. When I think about my future husband and when I pray for him, this particular person comes to mind. If he is truly the one God intends for me to spend the rest of my life with, then why this other person who it seems is displaying interest in me? Why the confusion and the heartache? Why am I afraid to step out and trust God at His word?

Tonight I drove home from small group in a daze. Because of people from there who read this, I'll refrain from mentioning what upset me but it upset me to the point of turning off my radio and crying out to God as I drove. I told God how upset I was that for six years I feel as if I've been faithful and praying for this one person and for whatever reason, things still aren't where I want them to be. I know His timing is perfect and I know that because we aren't together, that God is still molding us to be the husband and wife He wants us to be for each other. It doesn't make it any easier though. It doesn't make it easy to be one of the few single people in my group of friends and to constantly have them tell me "Your time will come."

No one seems to understand that I have spent so long praying for one person and trusting God at His word and now I find myself questioning and doubting and wondering if I've even heard right to begin with. With this newest "development," anyone would find themselves doubting that they've heard correctly as well. Or, at least, that's what I keep telling myself.

I feel as if the more I pray about both people, the one I've been praying for for six years keeps coming to the surface. I feel as if this person completes me in a way that no one else can and in a way that no one else ever will. So if he's "the one" then why the fears, insecurities, and the doubts? Why can't I just continue to trust God at His word?

My heart hurts so much. I find myself constantly holding back from everyone but Denise because she doesn't know either person involved and because she's been the one person who has been there since high school who seems to understand and will listen to me, regardless of how many times I may have vented about this to her. I find myself holding back from Megan and from Tym and from Brittany because I feel like they hear it so often and sometimes, just the looks on their faces are enough to stop me. It's that "here we go again" look and so I find myself holding back because I fear that they truly are sick of hearing about it and don't want to deal with it. It's become easier to keep it all inside lately and to drive myself crazy than to get that look when I bring it up.

My heart is so burdened. The more I pray, the more confused I continue to feel. I just wish there were an answer, something I could act on now and makes all of this go away but I know until I find the courage to actually step out on faith, I'm just going to drive myself in circles. I just don't know how to do it. How do you tell someone you care without breaking a friendship that you've had f0r so long?