Trust

It's been a very rough week. I've been trying all week to process everything going on in my life right now. There have been a lot of tears cried, a lot of panic attacks, and a lot of arguing with God. By the time I got to small group on Wednesday night, I was so angry with God that I almost didn't go but knew that I needed to be there.

On Monday, I found out that due to me being back in school, I wasn't going to be able to work full time at my job anymore. I went from 40 hours a week to 9 hours a week. Since I have to leave work at 3 twice a week to make it to class, they need someone who can work full time in my classroom. I was offered a 3-6 position the three days a week I'm not in class and then I'll be on the sub list which means I'd be the first person to pick up any extra hours that happen to come up due to teachers being sick or on vacation.

I left work on Monday and as I drove home, I broke down in tears. I was devestated over the fact that I felt that I was losing my position and was in hysterics about how I was going to be able to pay my bills and make it without a job. As I drove home, I kept alternating between crying and panic attacks. At one point I even thought about quitting school and I knew that wasn't an option. After the way everything fell into place to get in, I knew school was where I was supposed to be.

I spent all of Monday night crying and being angry with God over how things were working out. I cried myself to sleep Monday night because I was so scared that I wasn't going to be able to make it. I went into work on Tuesday and told my boss that I would accept her position, but I also let her know that I was job searching because nine hours a week wasn't going to pay the bills.

In the week since all of this has happened, I have been so angry with God. I couldn't understand how it seemed as if everything was perfect to go back to school and then my only source of income was being cut back, especially when I had just bought a new car this summer. By Wednesday night, I was done. I told my small group that I was having a hard time trusting God and understanding what His plan for this time in my life was. Seth reminded me that God was going to answer my prayer, even if it was in the last possible hour. As he prayed over our small group, I could feel my eyes fill with tears. I could hear God telling me to trust Him, that it was all going to work out if I just let Him lead me to where He wanted me.

For the last week, I have been applying for jobs like crazy. I've looked to every possible preschool opening there is and now I'm playing a waiting game. This morning our nursery coordinator told me that come October, she may have a position for me. They need one more toddler interest for the preschool at church and they can open a toddler classroom, but they just have to wait to get the licensing from the state to open a toddler room. She told me that the teacher position would be mine and on the other days she would use me as a floater in the other classrooms.

My heart swelled as she told me this. Of course I'm going to continue job searching but she also gave me a job lead for right here in West Chester that I'm going to try and look into. As I left the nursery to go to Sunday school, I could feel God urging me to continue trusting. The service this morning also talked about trusting God to turn our "what ifs" into "but yes Lord." The music, the sermon-everything spoke right to me. It was like God was hitting me on the head going, "Heather, I've brought you this far. I'm not going to let you fall."

After the service, Jenny and I got the chance to talk in private and she told me about a situation that she's gone through in the past year that made her angry with God and question her trust but that God brought her through it stronger than ever. It was such an encouragement for me and a reminder that God is going to bring me through this, even if I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel at the moment. I just need to continue trusting Him.

I don't know what's going to happen next. I'm sure there will be more tears and more panic attacks but I know I'm going to be okay. God didn't bring me this far to drop me. He's got a plan for my life, a plan I need to allow Him to work out. It's just going to take some time. Until then, I'll be praying and waiting. That's all I can do.