Today was another rough day. For whatever reason, I was ridiculously emotional and took everything personally. My original plan for the day was homework and shopping but that didn't happen. Instead, around 4:00, I got in the car and went for a drive. I wasn't in the car longer than five minutes before I burst into tears. I drove and cried and poured my soul out to God, telling Him I was tired of being alone and tired of spending all of my time alone. Today it wasn't just about relationships. It was about friendships and family and how I feel as if I'm always alone anymore.
I managed to dry my eyes long enough to stop and put gas in my car. As I was filling up, I told myself I was still going to the mall and even kept telling myself that as I got on the highway but then I drove right past the exit that would take me to the mall and kept driving. Eventually, the tears subsided and I just drove while listening to my WOW cd. Before I knew it, I had ended up downtown, taking the exit that I knew would take me right past the stadiums to the riverfront. The news has been talking about the river being at flood stage and I wanted to see it for myself. By the time I turned onto the road that led along the river, my heart had calmed and I was able to enjoy my drive.
I've been struggling with life and I even jokingly told myself earlier that I felt like I was having a quarter life crisis because I feel as if I've been going through the motions of my life lately instead of fully seeking out my dreams and what I believed in. I feel as if I've forgotten why I went back to school for my Master's, what I love to do, and how I enjoy spending my time.
I think it's why I drove downtown. When I first moved to Cincinnati in high school, the city gave me new hope. I learned that it was okay to have dreams and to follow those dreams. I learned that it was okay to have hopes and to believe in myself. For me, the city has always represented a new beginning, a new chance at a life I didn't have when I lived in Youngstown. It gave me a second chance to be me, to live my life as I wanted to live it.
As I drove down the highway, seeing the city skyline renewed my heart. I took it all in and reminded myself that this was the place that taught me to dream and taught me that it's okay to hope. As I drove along the riverfront, I let myself get caught up in the memories of the dreams I once had and the dreams I intend to start pursuing again. Like Laura told me in a comment on my previous entry, I shouldn't be afraid to shine. Cincinnati and the life I have here have given me a second chance and I don't know how I moved from full heartedly pursuing my dreams to just going through the motions of life.
Eventually I turned around and headed back the way I had come and as I got closer to downtown again, I decided to turn in to a little park called International Friendship Park that overlooked the river. I decided I needed some fresh air so I parked the car and I got out and walked. Yes, it probably wasn't the smartest idea to be downtown and walking alone but since it was a sunny (though chilly) day, there were plenty of people out walking dogs and enjoying the fresh air. I didn't walk far but as I walked the path that overlooked the river, I could feel my heart being renewed and I told myself that this was what I had needed. I had needed to release the tears, to cry it all out, and to see the skyline to remember the hope and the dreams that moving here had given me. I think sometimes we need those physical signs to just remember and for me, that was all it took today.
I told Adge over dinner tonight that this is something I intend to do more often. Maybe not cry, but I do intend to make drives like these every so often along downtown and the riverfront to remind me of the hopes and dreams that I have and remind myself that the lies of the past are just that-they're lies. The past is over and done with and now it's time to move forward and start shining again. It's time to live out the dreams I have always had for myself and shoot for the stars. No more going through the motions. That's the goal I've set for myself and I intend to make it happen.
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