Loneliness

This week has been a rough week, full of tears and loneliness. This decision I've made is weighing me down at times and making me wonder what I was thinking when I made it. I broke down in tears during worship this morning at church and during prayer time I yelled at God, asking Him why He was putting me through this and making me go out of my mind with loneliness. I told Him it was so unfair that at 25 I'm still walking into church alone and still sitting alone and spending weekends alone. I told Him I didn't understand how loneliness could be His will for me and that my heart was hurting.

Pouring my heart out was exactly what I needed. During some later prayer time I told Him that while I may not understand His timing and why I was supposed to spend this year alone and seeking Him, that I would continue to worship and trust Him, no matter how difficult it got. I told Him that as much as it sucks, I know I need to learn to lean on Him and trust that He's leading me right where He wants me.

It's still not easy though. It's not easy when every single one of my friends is dating someone. And by every one of them, I mean everybody. Everybody I know is either in a serious relationship, living with their significant others, planning weddings, or going out on dates. To me, it's not fair that at 25 I'm not getting to experience any of that. It's not fair that I have to walk into church alone and sit alone when everyone else I know is sitting with someone special. I don't understand this timing and I don't understand why something that is so clearly from God could hurt as much as it has this week.

After service, I stopped into the nursery to say hi to Jenny (our nursery coordinator) and she saw right through my facade of pretending to be okay. In her presence, I finally let the tears flow that I've been holding back all week. I told her about the pain I was experiencing and how I didn't understand how God could ask this of me when all I've ever wanted is to get married and have a family. She offered to take me to lunch to talk and it was the first time in months that I finally let myself become vulnerable to someone without fear of what they were thinking of me or what they were going to tell me in reply to how I was feeling.

She told me while it's not easy, that stepping back and realigning my priorities is a good thing. She told me there's something to be said about a person who is stepping back and letting God lead their steps and trusting Him in an area that they're so vulnerable with. She asked me if I had talked to any of my friends and I told her I just couldn't. I told her I was tired of hearing everyone say "It'll happen in God's timing Heather." I know that. I know God's timing is perfect and I know He's going to work everything out in His timing but if being trite is the only response you have for me, then don't say anything to me at all.

I told her I felt as if I've been shutting myself off from all of my friends and she asked me why. I told her I honestly didn't know and that since summer, it's just become easier to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself rather than to burden someone else with them. I told her I didn't understand why I keep pushing people away but that I have and while I wish I could change it, I can't. I just can't open my heart up to anyone in my life anymore and it's just become easier to hold it all in than to let it all out.

I told her I didn't think any of my friends could possibly understand because none of them are in my shoes. They may try to be respectful of my feelings but in reality, they all have someone. Most of them have been dating for years and have been in several relationships over the years. Until you've been in my shoes and God has asked you to give up your dating life to focus on Him, then we can talk. I told her that while I want to share in their joy of their dating lives and hear about what's going on, I just can't. It hurts too much right now. This decision is too new and too fresh for me to be okay with hearing about their dating lives and seeing them together.

My heart hurts so much but I feel a million times better than I did when I walked into the nursery this morning. It's been months since someone actually took the time to see right through my facade of pretending to be okay to genuinely ask me how my heart is. Jenny, better than anyone else, saw right through me saying, "I'm okay." She knows what I'm going through and she genuinely cared to know what was going on in my heart.

She asked me how I was going to work through the loneliness and I told her I honestly didn't know. I truly don't know how to work through it but I do know that somehow I'm going to be okay. Having lunch with her today was such a blessing and did my heart a world of good. God knew I needed this today and He provided the perfect person to see right through me. I don't know what the next week is going to bring but what I do know is that this is going to be a week at a time journey and each day is going to bring me one step closer to whatever it is God wants me to learn in this year of trusting in Him alone.