Demons from the past

For the past couple of weeks, I've felt as if demons from my past were resurfacing. I can't pinpoint where it started, but memories of things my dad used to say to me have come into my mind and I can't shake them. I've been letting them affect me and my school work and even my thoughts about my job and my future career.

As I drove home from campus tonight, I could hear his voice in my head. "You'll never amount to anything Heather. No one will ever love you the way you deserve to be loved. Nothing you do is good enough." Every word was a blow to my heart...again. I haven't seen or talked to the man in ten years but for whatever reason, the memories came flooding back and I couldn't stop the lies as they poured out on top of me while I drove.

I didn't want to go to small group tonight. I thought about going to the gym and burning off what I was feeling but a small voice inside of me prompted me to go. I ended up sharing my heart during prayer request time and it was comforting to listen to Seth's voice as he shared my request with the Lord. On my drive home from Panera, I took out the cd that I had been listening to (my Vince created driving mix that I love!) and instead put in a WOW cd. The very first song was "Voice of Truth" and I just let the words pour over me as I drove. As I listened to the lyrics all I could think was "Thanks God," because I knew this was the exact song He wanted me to hear at that moment.

But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again.
'Boy, you'll never win!'"
You'll never win"
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says
"Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says
"This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth...

This part of the song kept resonating through me and I knew God was speaking right to my spirit and telling me it was going to be okay. If I stop and listen for His voice and reach out for His hand, the lies from my past can not and will not affect me. Every moment I went through in my past has led me to where I am today. Every time I choose not to listen to the lies as they resurface is a moment that I give glory to God for everything He brought me out of.

I had a moment as I was getting out of the shower where I realized that my fear of speaking up and sharing what I think in class or any kind of group setting comes from what I experienced growing up. I was constantly told that no one cared and that I wouldn't amount to anything that I just stopped trying. My grades and my writing always reflected my true thoughts and showed that I knew what I was talking about but I never want to speak up for fear that others will find me inadequate and make fun of what I think and believe. I think it's why it's become so easy for me to just stay quiet.

I told Jenny last week at lunch that it's become second nature for me to stand behind my friends. I let them take the lead on everything and it's always just been easier to be known as "so and so's friend." I specifically mentioned Megan (sorry Megan that you're reading this in my blog though I think we've talked about this in the past) and how I felt as if for years that I stood behind her because she had grown up for the most part at our church and in our youth group and so everyone knew her before they knew me. When I took her place in the nursery the summer she went to Baltimore it was because she wanted me to and because everyone who knew her took her at her word that I could be trusted and was perfect for the job. Don't get me wrong, I loved it and loved the kids, but I always felt as if people were thinking, "Well, she's not Megan but she'll do until Megan gets back."

It took me years before I finally branched out and started finding my own place in the church. I started volunteering with Vacation Bible School because I wanted to. I started helping out in Sunday school because it was something I wanted to do. I now volunteer with the youth because it's where I want to be and where I think God wants me to be right now. I finally feel like I have my own place in the church and people see me for who I am and not just "Megan's friend."

As I got ready for bed, I set a new goal for myself. It's time to become bold and courageous and stop letting the lies fill my head. I need to remember specifically that I got into the Master's program at UC and they wouldn't have admitted me if they didn't think I would make good school counselor material at the end of the program. Yes, some of my classmates may be smarter than me, but my thoughts are just as important and I'm just as equal as they are or I never would have gotten into the program.

It's time for me to start remembering and discovering all the things that I love and not just to follow along with what my friends are doing. I want to truly know what it means to be my own person again and see what kind of road God leads me down. We're only a month into 2010 and already He's teaching me new things and helping me to discover who I am. I just need to continue to trust in Him and to stop believing the lies from my past because they no longer matter. The promises of the Lord are the only truths that I need in my life.