Loneliness

I've come to the conclusion that even at 24, even after three years of Reslife, and even after having friends who are known for being outgoing, I still struggle to meet new people. I have this tendency to think that when I meet someone new who is introduced to me through a friend, they are not my friends, but just the friends of a friend. This thought makes me stand on the outside looking in and unsure of where I stand.

For the last few weeks (maybe longer actually) I've been attending Cru at UC with Tym and it's been an amazing experience. Week after week I keep hearing messages that I know God wants me to hear on that particular night. Each message speaks directly to my heart and touches on an area I'm struggling with at that particular moment.

Tonight's message was about Christmas and how God fits into Christmas but Catherine made a comment about how the holidays can sometimes be hard for all of us due to various things we may be struggling with, such as loneliness.

That's when I had an aha moment. As soon as those words came out of her mouth, I'm pretty sure I lost track of everything else she may have spoken about. Luckily, that keyword came towards the end so I didn't miss much but she did give us an opportunity to pray about what we were feeling. As I took those few moments and turned my heart towards God, I could feel that I needed to step out on faith and try to ease this loneliness by reaching out.

That's exactly what I did. As I talked with Tym and some other people at the end of Cru, I kept waiting for the perfect moment to go talk to Catherine. At first I didn't think it was going to happen, as she always seemed to be in conversation with someone but I finally noticed a moment when she was alone. I almost talked myself out of it, telling myself I was crazy and that this feeling would pass. But then I realized if I didn't seize the moment, I'd end up regretting it.

As I approached Catherine and asked her if we could talk, I had to tell myself not to start crying. Reaching out is not something that comes easily for me, especially when I'm reaching out to someone I don't really know. I even explained this all to Catherine who understood so well and helped me to put into words what I was feeling. I explained to her about applying to UC, about wanting to get plugged in, and about the loneliness I'd been feeling. I told her I felt I needed accountability from someone other than just Tym, as he's a guy and can't always understand. She talked about various options with me and then encouraged me to keep in touch with her and to keep trying to get plugged in.

Tonight was not easy for me at all. To reach out and talk with someone I don't know is something I don't normally do. However, I know God has led me to Cru for a reason and I know that in order to get the most out of it, I need to get plugged in and start trying to meet new people. I need to get over this fear of meeting new people and being afraid of what they think. I wish this came easier to me but it doesn't. However, I need to learn to keep trusting and to know that God knows what is best for me and when He leads me somewhere, He is not going to let me fall without a safety net. It still doesn't mean it's going to be easy though.