Trying to hold on

I'm struggling. Last night's entry was just the beginning. I get like this at the end of every quarter. Or so it feels anyway. I start to feel restless and ready to make a change. I'm so glad I'm graduating before UC converts to semesters because I don't know how anyone does this for 16 weeks. I'm so over my 10 week quarter at this point.

I don't know why I constantly want more than I have. I know there's a reason for every season of life that you walk through but for whatever reason, I just can't shake this current funk I'm in. It makes me upset to think that (it seems anyway) that everyone has what I want. Marriage, a home away from their parents, and now they're starting in on families. I know I chose this path and I believe whole heartedly that this is God's plan for my life but man, sometimes this loneliness sucks. And it's not even about being lonely. I was telling one of my co-workers yesterday that even if I found someone I wanted to date, I wouldn't have time for him. Between work, school, and training for the half marathon, I don't have time to date.

I know that God is supposed to be my all and I know that He gives you the desires of your heart as you trust in Him and follow His plan for your life. If that's the case, then why do I get myself into these funks? Why do I constantly feel as if something is missing?? This doesn't hit often but man when it does hit it hurts and it sucks.

Quite honestly, my big thing right now is wanting to be in Denver. I have never felt so torn between two places before. I miss the part of my life that is out in Denver, the strong connection with the people who are so much like me it's scary. But I know that, on the other hand, when (if)I do move out there, that then my heart will miss this part of my life and the people here who make every day of my life so incredible.

I'm just at a loss right now. I don't like feeling as if things are in an upheaval. I wish things could get squared away with my internship (don't even get me started on that rant!) because then maybe some of this stress would melt into the woodwork. I think the uncertainty of next year and then next summer is really starting to get to me. If I could just get things squared away and lined up, then I would be fine. Or I hope.

I need to go for a drive to my favorite spot on the river and just sit there and think. If I didn't have class in an hour and a half I would be headed there right now. Instead, I'm sitting here in the student center where I just got done crying on the phone with my sister. I was doing homework and then she called me, followed shortly by Mike calling from Denver. Why he called me in the middle of the day I'm still not sure because we have a phone date scheduled for tonight. It did my heart a world of good though to be able to sit and vent for about half an hour and to have the sensible side of me listen and actually give me feedback. I'm looking forward to talking again tonight because he gets me like no one else does. My mom always said gay guys make the best of friends and she is so right. My life would be a mess without him.

Okay I should probably start making my way across campus to class. Blah. I'm so glad this quarter is over in two weeks.