Seven years ago, I was given a diagnosis that I thought was the end of my life as I knew it. I never thought I would be where I am right now, trusting God to make me whole and letting Him use this diagnosis to make me chase after Him with reckless abandon.
I never expected when I made the switch to Crossroads for my life to be turned upside down. I never expected to see prayers I had been praying for over 10 years start to be answered. I don't know what I expected, but it certainly hasn't been all the incredible things I've seen in the past seven and a half months. It amazes me that even as I tried SO hard to run away my first couple of months at Crossroads that God continued to pursue me relentlessly.
During the Christmas season, I typically struggle with loneliness and trusting that God's plans for my life are far greater than my own. I could be sitting in a room full of people and still feel like I'm by myself. I tend to shut people out and keep everything bottled up inside of me. I look at the people around me, my friends who are happily married with kids, friends who are dating, and even strangers who are sitting in church or walking through a store holding hands and question when it's going to be my turn. I get caught up in the fact that with each year, I am still single and still childless. I struggle with being in a job that I know isn't my passion (though I do love it) and question where it is that I'm supposed to be. Lately, as my health issues have resurfaced, I question that God will ever bring along anyone who could love me despite the fact that I don't know if I can have a family of my own.
Then, about three weeks ago, I sat in a Saturday night service at Crossroads and listened to Chuck Mingo talk about light overcoming the darkness. He talked about the environment that Jesus was born into and how even though the songs talk about it being a "silent night" in a "little town of Bethlehem," it really was a culture where oppression and darkness ran rampant. For YEARS, people waited for this King, this child who would become their Savior. It was only after Jesus was born that light overcame the darkness.
At the end of his message, Chuck had the lights in the auditorium turned out and asked us to think about the darkness that we focus on in our own lives, the things that consume us and keep us from seeing the light of Christ in us and around us. He told us to think about what we make this season out to be, whether we were preoccupied with being single, with not being able to give enough gifts, and then he very specifically asked us where we were finding our fulfillment at. I sat in that dark auditorium and all I could think about was how I was caught up in my health issues and the fact that I was still single instead of looking at all the incredible things I've seen God do throughout the past 12 years of me following Him.
As I sat in that dark auditorium, I bowed my head and I let the tears fall. I told God I wanted Him to make me whole, that I trusted that His plans are far greater than my own. I know He has a purpose for this diagnosis and I want Him to make me whole according to His plan. His idea of being made whole and mine could be two completely different things. If He wants me to have a family and children, He will make it happen in His way and His timing. My job right now is to let Him work His plans into my life.
Since being at Crossroads, God is knocking down all the walls that I had erected to keep people out. He has brought me into a community of people my age, people who love me and accept me for who I am. He has given me an incredible group of women who hold me accountable and push me to chase after Jesus in a way that I could never have done at my old church. I've been taught and shown the meaning of vulnerability and love over and over and over again by these incredible people in my life. I'm learning that I can't grow and seek Jesus if I don't allow people to get close to me. I have to let people in and let them knock down the walls I've put up if I truly want to follow the Lord the way I know I'm called to do.
I walk into Crossroads and in the midst of worship, I find myself with the biggest smile on my face. It has become such a joy to worship this King who loves me SO much that He died for me. I can't take notes fast enough throughout the message and I can't say enough good things about the things happening in me and in our Crossroads community. My sister and the kids are actively attending church with me, something I have spent over 10 years praying for. God is doing incredible things throughout the five campuses of Crossroads and it is such a blessing to be part of such an amazing community of people who want to further the Kingdom.
I want to be made whole in only a way that Jesus can make me whole. I want to further the Kingdom and spread the love of Christ just like we have been commissioned to do. I want 2015 to be the year that I run after Jesus with reckless abandon, trusting that His plans will always be greater than my own.
Sunday, December 21, 2014
Friday, September 26, 2014
Living my faith out loud
As I write this, I am sitting in the middle of Panera trying to kill some time before a late babysitting job (after an already long week!). I've been wanting to write this for awhile now, but can never find the time or energy to sit down and do it, so I thought now as I sit here in reflective silence would the perfect time to do so.
Almost a year ago, one of my closest friends found himself in the midst of a major spiritual calling to step away from the church both of us had grown up in to follow God's leading him elsewhere. I one hundred percent supported him, knowing he was walking in obedience to what God wanted for his life but told myself (and him!) repeatedly that God would NEVER call me away from the only church environment that had made an impact on me. Imagine my surprise six months later when I began to feel God tugging on my heart to make a major change in my own life, one that meant leaving this church and church family I swore I would never walk away from.
My story starts all the way back in high school, when I first became a Christ follower and I began to allow my faith to impact the decisions I would make. I stumbled repeatedly for years as I struggled to understand what it truly meant to be a follower of Christ and what that looked like in my day to day life. Post college, I moved back home and threw myself into church activities. About a year after college, I found myself volunteering with the youth, something I quickly discovered I was good at. It was in those five and a half years that I truly found out what my faith meant to me and allowed God to be the one who directed my steps. I knew my job was to be an example to the youth kids, to help them grow and mature in their own faith, but for five years I grew right alongside them.
Don't get me wrong-I wasn't the perfect example. No one is perfect and I made plenty of mistakes and owned up to them. Those mistakes sharpened my faith and pushed me to be better. As my relationship with Jesus grew, so did my willingness to allow Him to lead my life. Six months after my close friend switched churches, I found myself hungry for more. I desired a community of believers my own age, people I could relate to and who were in the same life stage as me. For years it had been something I desired, but I never allowed myself to be open to the idea of going somewhere else until someone close to me showed me that it was okay to walk in obedience and that sometimes, God's plans are far greater than our own.
Back in April and May, I found myself asking a lot of difficult questions about my faith, about what the Bible had to say on those topics, and what God truly wanted for my life. I started attending Saturday night services with my friend at his new church and found myself full of questions and struggles as I walked out of those services, knowing that God was working on my heart. Around that same time, there were major leadership changes happening within my old church, making it the perfect time for me to step down from my youth volunteer position and to find out what else God potentially had in the cards for me. I would spend hours grilling my friend and then following it up with research online, followed by even more long conversations with my accountability partner.
In June, after much soul seeking, prayer, tears, and conversations with people I considered to be my spiritual mentors, I made the tough decision to switch churches and allow God to guide me where He wanted me to go. I ended up at Crossroads, a church MUCH bigger than the one I had been attending since high school. I was consistently attending Sunday services and checked out a community group of people my own age that is centered around the idea of what it means to follow Jesus and live a life of discipleship at the advice of the same friend who had convinced me to check out Crossroads. I loved Crux and I loved Crossroads but spent the summer living in fear, fear of making a mistake, fear of letting new people in, and fear that I wasn't where God intended for me to be. I even spent some time hopping between churches, which quickly wore me down spiritually and emotionally.
It wasn't until this past week when I attended a Last Wednesday service at Crossroads that I truly allowed my heart to open to the idea that this is where God wanted me to be. I knew I had been called away from my old church for a reason and that Crossroads and Crux had come into my life at the time I needed them most. I know it sounds crazy, but all of my fears and insecurities of starting over and letting new people in are gone. I am developing relationships with the people in my pod (my small group within my community group) and have even signed up for a weekend away at Lake Cumberland with them next weekend, knowing that an intimate setting outside of our small group time is just what I need to really begin to foster relationships.
It has been a tough few months, but I feel as if I am finally taking ownership of my own faith. I am hungry for the will of God and love making new discoveries of what He is asking of me. I am opening my heart and mind to possibilities and people that I never would have encountered had I never allowed God to lead me where He wanted me to be. My heart for missions and serving is going crazy right now praying over a big decision of doing a Go trip, which is Crossroads equivalent of a mission trip. Sign ups don't happen until January, but I'm fairly confident that at the end of next July, I'll be serving at Go NOLA to help with the ongoing recovery efforts from Hurricane Katrina. There are also future possibilities of going to South Africa and India in the next few years but for now I'm taking baby steps and taking each day one day at a time to see where God leads me.
It's been a long time coming, but the contentment I feel is incredible and I love the growth I am seeing in my own life. I can't wait to see what happens in the next few months as I continue to walk in obedience and faith. :)
Almost a year ago, one of my closest friends found himself in the midst of a major spiritual calling to step away from the church both of us had grown up in to follow God's leading him elsewhere. I one hundred percent supported him, knowing he was walking in obedience to what God wanted for his life but told myself (and him!) repeatedly that God would NEVER call me away from the only church environment that had made an impact on me. Imagine my surprise six months later when I began to feel God tugging on my heart to make a major change in my own life, one that meant leaving this church and church family I swore I would never walk away from.
My story starts all the way back in high school, when I first became a Christ follower and I began to allow my faith to impact the decisions I would make. I stumbled repeatedly for years as I struggled to understand what it truly meant to be a follower of Christ and what that looked like in my day to day life. Post college, I moved back home and threw myself into church activities. About a year after college, I found myself volunteering with the youth, something I quickly discovered I was good at. It was in those five and a half years that I truly found out what my faith meant to me and allowed God to be the one who directed my steps. I knew my job was to be an example to the youth kids, to help them grow and mature in their own faith, but for five years I grew right alongside them.
Don't get me wrong-I wasn't the perfect example. No one is perfect and I made plenty of mistakes and owned up to them. Those mistakes sharpened my faith and pushed me to be better. As my relationship with Jesus grew, so did my willingness to allow Him to lead my life. Six months after my close friend switched churches, I found myself hungry for more. I desired a community of believers my own age, people I could relate to and who were in the same life stage as me. For years it had been something I desired, but I never allowed myself to be open to the idea of going somewhere else until someone close to me showed me that it was okay to walk in obedience and that sometimes, God's plans are far greater than our own.
Back in April and May, I found myself asking a lot of difficult questions about my faith, about what the Bible had to say on those topics, and what God truly wanted for my life. I started attending Saturday night services with my friend at his new church and found myself full of questions and struggles as I walked out of those services, knowing that God was working on my heart. Around that same time, there were major leadership changes happening within my old church, making it the perfect time for me to step down from my youth volunteer position and to find out what else God potentially had in the cards for me. I would spend hours grilling my friend and then following it up with research online, followed by even more long conversations with my accountability partner.
In June, after much soul seeking, prayer, tears, and conversations with people I considered to be my spiritual mentors, I made the tough decision to switch churches and allow God to guide me where He wanted me to go. I ended up at Crossroads, a church MUCH bigger than the one I had been attending since high school. I was consistently attending Sunday services and checked out a community group of people my own age that is centered around the idea of what it means to follow Jesus and live a life of discipleship at the advice of the same friend who had convinced me to check out Crossroads. I loved Crux and I loved Crossroads but spent the summer living in fear, fear of making a mistake, fear of letting new people in, and fear that I wasn't where God intended for me to be. I even spent some time hopping between churches, which quickly wore me down spiritually and emotionally.
It wasn't until this past week when I attended a Last Wednesday service at Crossroads that I truly allowed my heart to open to the idea that this is where God wanted me to be. I knew I had been called away from my old church for a reason and that Crossroads and Crux had come into my life at the time I needed them most. I know it sounds crazy, but all of my fears and insecurities of starting over and letting new people in are gone. I am developing relationships with the people in my pod (my small group within my community group) and have even signed up for a weekend away at Lake Cumberland with them next weekend, knowing that an intimate setting outside of our small group time is just what I need to really begin to foster relationships.
It has been a tough few months, but I feel as if I am finally taking ownership of my own faith. I am hungry for the will of God and love making new discoveries of what He is asking of me. I am opening my heart and mind to possibilities and people that I never would have encountered had I never allowed God to lead me where He wanted me to be. My heart for missions and serving is going crazy right now praying over a big decision of doing a Go trip, which is Crossroads equivalent of a mission trip. Sign ups don't happen until January, but I'm fairly confident that at the end of next July, I'll be serving at Go NOLA to help with the ongoing recovery efforts from Hurricane Katrina. There are also future possibilities of going to South Africa and India in the next few years but for now I'm taking baby steps and taking each day one day at a time to see where God leads me.
It's been a long time coming, but the contentment I feel is incredible and I love the growth I am seeing in my own life. I can't wait to see what happens in the next few months as I continue to walk in obedience and faith. :)
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Expectations
Expectations. We have them for ourselves. We feel pressured to meet them from others. The driving question behind expectations is...what are our motives? What are the motives of others? This is the thought that's been floating through my head for the past couple of hours after dropping off a couple of my youth girls and an intense discussion we had during our car ride.
Part of me is posting this for myself, for my own accountability to my growth and my acknowledging my struggle. Part of me is posting it because I want my youth kids to learn from my past. Part of me is posting it because it's time to put a stop to the lies that Satan and society try to brainwash us with on a daily basis.
Society tells us that in order to be beautiful, we must be a skinny size 0. Our hair and makeup have to be perfect, and we have to be up to date on the latest styles and trends floating around. Women have to work twice as hard as men to be recognized for any of their success, which causes us to place unnecessary pressure on ourselves to succeed and not make mistakes. There are the expectations that we are to graduate high school, go to college, find the perfect job immediately after graduation, get married, and then start a family. If we don't do these things, or we do them out of order, then in the eyes of society, we have gone wrong somewhere.
I grew up in a household where I was told on a daily basis that I wasn't good enough. No matter how hard I worked, no matter how many A's I brought home, it wasn't good enough. I was never into sports and I preferred to spend my free time curled up with a good book or spending time with a few close friends. I was told that no one would ever love me because I wasn't skinny and beautiful enough. I worked three times as hard as my friends to prove myself to the one person who said these words to me day in and day out and no matter what I did I wasn't good enough.
The day my parents divorced was the most freeing day of my life. Some of my friends have trouble understanding why I say I love Cincinnati so much. This is the place my dreams came alive. It was the place I was finally able to breathe and begin to live my life. I flourished and I grew and before I knew it, I was able to spread my wings and fly. Turns out though, that this little bird still struggled underneath the bold new exterior she had put on.
During college, I finally came to realize just how much pain and anger I was carrying around inside. The ridiculous expectations that had been placed on me by the one person who should have loved me unconditionally led me to a counselor who turned my world upside down. It was my freshman year of college that I finally began to let go and realize that I didn't have to try so hard. My life wasn't defined by my grades, my looks, or my weight. My life was defined by my relationship with Christ and my identity that could only be found in Him. When I came to this conclusion, it was as if huge shutters had been removed from my eyes. I realized that by allowing both this person in my life and the media to feed lies into my life, that I was going to sink. It didn't matter how hard I worked or how skinny I became, if I continued to buy into these lies, I was never going to be the person I was created to be.
I write these words because I see some of my youth girls struggling with the same things that I did, and sometimes still do, struggle with. I see them using food and grades and clothing size to be the one thing in their lives they can control when everything else is falling apart. I see them falling back on the same nasty habits and patterns that I still sometimes find myself falling into. I don't want them to reach the point I did my freshman year of college where I stopped going to class and I pushed everyone away because I was depressed. I want to break those chains now and help them to understand that their identity is not found in their clothing size, their grades, or the amount of makeup they wear. Their identity is found in Christ and the peace and strength only He can give.
I write these words tonight because I am openly admitting that there are many times I still fall into these nasty thought patterns. I am human and I allow Satan to whisper to my soul and tell me that I will still never be good enough, that no matter how hard I work, I'm still going to fail. I had a conversation today with someone in my church family who has spoken so much truth and light into my life over the past six years and it was in that conversation that I was reminded that I am fully capable of anything I put my mind to and that I need to be able to prove my success and my capabilities to others. I can't just sit back and let others take control because that small voice in the back of my head is whispering that I can't do it.
My heart hurts tonight for the battles I know that some of my girls are fighting. My heart hurts that society and the media, along with the people we are closest to continue to tell us that we are not worthy and that we must be a perfect size 0, make straight A's, and that there is no room for mistakes. These lies need to be erased from our lives and we need to allow the truth of Christ to shine through. It is only in Christ that our identities are truly made. A relationship with Jesus gives us grace, gives us freedom, and reminds us that we don't have to be perfect, because He loves us just the way we are. When we begin to see ourselves through the eyes of Christ, it is only then that we see our true beauty and our true worth.
Part of me is posting this for myself, for my own accountability to my growth and my acknowledging my struggle. Part of me is posting it because I want my youth kids to learn from my past. Part of me is posting it because it's time to put a stop to the lies that Satan and society try to brainwash us with on a daily basis.
Society tells us that in order to be beautiful, we must be a skinny size 0. Our hair and makeup have to be perfect, and we have to be up to date on the latest styles and trends floating around. Women have to work twice as hard as men to be recognized for any of their success, which causes us to place unnecessary pressure on ourselves to succeed and not make mistakes. There are the expectations that we are to graduate high school, go to college, find the perfect job immediately after graduation, get married, and then start a family. If we don't do these things, or we do them out of order, then in the eyes of society, we have gone wrong somewhere.
I grew up in a household where I was told on a daily basis that I wasn't good enough. No matter how hard I worked, no matter how many A's I brought home, it wasn't good enough. I was never into sports and I preferred to spend my free time curled up with a good book or spending time with a few close friends. I was told that no one would ever love me because I wasn't skinny and beautiful enough. I worked three times as hard as my friends to prove myself to the one person who said these words to me day in and day out and no matter what I did I wasn't good enough.
The day my parents divorced was the most freeing day of my life. Some of my friends have trouble understanding why I say I love Cincinnati so much. This is the place my dreams came alive. It was the place I was finally able to breathe and begin to live my life. I flourished and I grew and before I knew it, I was able to spread my wings and fly. Turns out though, that this little bird still struggled underneath the bold new exterior she had put on.
During college, I finally came to realize just how much pain and anger I was carrying around inside. The ridiculous expectations that had been placed on me by the one person who should have loved me unconditionally led me to a counselor who turned my world upside down. It was my freshman year of college that I finally began to let go and realize that I didn't have to try so hard. My life wasn't defined by my grades, my looks, or my weight. My life was defined by my relationship with Christ and my identity that could only be found in Him. When I came to this conclusion, it was as if huge shutters had been removed from my eyes. I realized that by allowing both this person in my life and the media to feed lies into my life, that I was going to sink. It didn't matter how hard I worked or how skinny I became, if I continued to buy into these lies, I was never going to be the person I was created to be.
I write these words because I see some of my youth girls struggling with the same things that I did, and sometimes still do, struggle with. I see them using food and grades and clothing size to be the one thing in their lives they can control when everything else is falling apart. I see them falling back on the same nasty habits and patterns that I still sometimes find myself falling into. I don't want them to reach the point I did my freshman year of college where I stopped going to class and I pushed everyone away because I was depressed. I want to break those chains now and help them to understand that their identity is not found in their clothing size, their grades, or the amount of makeup they wear. Their identity is found in Christ and the peace and strength only He can give.
I write these words tonight because I am openly admitting that there are many times I still fall into these nasty thought patterns. I am human and I allow Satan to whisper to my soul and tell me that I will still never be good enough, that no matter how hard I work, I'm still going to fail. I had a conversation today with someone in my church family who has spoken so much truth and light into my life over the past six years and it was in that conversation that I was reminded that I am fully capable of anything I put my mind to and that I need to be able to prove my success and my capabilities to others. I can't just sit back and let others take control because that small voice in the back of my head is whispering that I can't do it.
My heart hurts tonight for the battles I know that some of my girls are fighting. My heart hurts that society and the media, along with the people we are closest to continue to tell us that we are not worthy and that we must be a perfect size 0, make straight A's, and that there is no room for mistakes. These lies need to be erased from our lives and we need to allow the truth of Christ to shine through. It is only in Christ that our identities are truly made. A relationship with Jesus gives us grace, gives us freedom, and reminds us that we don't have to be perfect, because He loves us just the way we are. When we begin to see ourselves through the eyes of Christ, it is only then that we see our true beauty and our true worth.
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Reflections on 2013
I remember back to the days when I used to blog every day, or every couple of days. Even with nothing of importance to say other than the mundane every day stuff going on in my life, my blogging was an escape and I felt the need to capture every moment so I wouldn't forget them. Now, I live in the moment. I'm not attached to my blog or my camera the way that I used to be.
Since I turned 29 in October, it was as if something clicked that suddenly made me an "adult." I've been working hard to take the steps to get all of my finances in order. 2013 was the year that I paid off two of my credit cards and this year looks close to being the same. I'm in the process of having two of my student loans forgiven because I work in a state licensed child care center (friends who teach preschool-if you have a Perkins loan, look into their forgiveness program!) and my other loans are in a place where I can actually make payments on them. My phone doesn't ring off the hook anymore with debt collectors because everything is in repayment mode. I actually have money to live off of and while I still live paycheck to paycheck, I don't stress out about finances as much as I used to. My car will be paid off in the spring of 2015 and my final two credit cards won't be far behind.
The best part of my finances being in order is that I've been able to travel a little bit here and there. This past summer I spent a week in Disney and Vero Beach with my parents and my high school best friend, and then I also spent a week with my senior high youth kids at a conference at a college in Tennessee. 2014 also holds big adventures! Mariah and I just booked a seven night Caribbean cruise with Carnival for the week after Christmas when our preschool is closed. Three nights at sea, with stops in St. Maarten, San Juan, and Grand Turk! We're also staying the night before our cruise in Miami, which I've only ever been to once, the night before we flew out to go to Haiti two years ago. My wanderlust heart is beyond excited and I have spent the past 24 hours googling everything I can find on our ports of call, exploring the ship on Carnival's website, and dreaming of warmth since it's pretty much been snowing here in Ohio since early December, with no signs of stopping anytime soon. While it stinks to have to wait 11 months for a vacation, it will be well worth it in the end! :)
I think one of the biggest things I learned in 2013 was contentment. Throughout the majority of my 20s, I struggled with being content with God's timing and in being single. Watching friend after friend get married and start a family took a toll on my heart, but God gently reminded me that He is to be my all. His timing is perfect and His plans are way better than my own. I signed myself up for a year long Disciple Bible study that is working me through the Old Testament and shining a light into my life that I needed to see. I also joined a women's small group that meets on Thursday evenings. It was originally a four week follow up to the women's retreat I went on back in November, but we enjoyed meeting together so much that we decided to keep going with meeting on Thursday nights. We're currently talking about priorities and boundries in our lives while working through Balancing It All by Candace Cameron Bure. I've come to cherish my Thursday nights and the amazing ladies that bring so much joy to my life. It's the one place I've come to feel as if I can be real and vulnerable and they'll love me despite the messiness of life and the things I struggle with.
One of the greatest blessings to my life this year has been the youth ministry. I've been a youth sponsor since 2009, but this year I feel as if God has really been nudging me to pour my heart and soul into these kids. I currently mentor two of our senior high girls who I love dearly and spend quality time with most of the kids twice a week during youth Bible study and Sunday night worship. It's been a blessing to watch them grow together and to become a family this year, something we adults have been praying for over the past several years.
I learned this year who my friends are, the people who have surrounded me with love, grace, and joy on a daily basis. Some of them are scattered and we're separated by miles and hours, but I know all I have to do is pick up the phone or send them an email, and they'll drop everything for me. I gained one very dear friend, a coworker who has stuck by my side since summer and who probably doesn't realize how much I cherish her friendship. She has listened to me vent, I'm fairly certain she potentially has seen me cry, and she has loved me despite the ugliness of the battles we've fought together. I can't imagine what both my life and work would be like without her friendship. When I look at my life, I no longer have multiple "best friends." Instead, I have a circle of close friends, people who build me up, encourage me, and love me for who I am. We've all been together for so long that I can't imagine what life would be like without them.
I used to dread turning 29, knowing it was the end of my 20s and thinking that I was going to be old by turning 30. Instead, I look forward to this year and the exciting things I know God has planned for my life. I'm slowly learning to become okay with the fact that I may never get married (I have several friends who keep pushing me and telling me I need to move or switch churches to find a husband-not going to happen!) and I'm learning what it means to be content in who I am and who Christ calls me to be. My identity is not found in a husband, my job, or my finances. It is found in Jesus, who wants nothing more than my utmost devotion and my heart.
Here's to 2014...new adventures, better finances, and a life full of love and laugther. I can't wait to see what this year holds. :)
Since I turned 29 in October, it was as if something clicked that suddenly made me an "adult." I've been working hard to take the steps to get all of my finances in order. 2013 was the year that I paid off two of my credit cards and this year looks close to being the same. I'm in the process of having two of my student loans forgiven because I work in a state licensed child care center (friends who teach preschool-if you have a Perkins loan, look into their forgiveness program!) and my other loans are in a place where I can actually make payments on them. My phone doesn't ring off the hook anymore with debt collectors because everything is in repayment mode. I actually have money to live off of and while I still live paycheck to paycheck, I don't stress out about finances as much as I used to. My car will be paid off in the spring of 2015 and my final two credit cards won't be far behind.
The best part of my finances being in order is that I've been able to travel a little bit here and there. This past summer I spent a week in Disney and Vero Beach with my parents and my high school best friend, and then I also spent a week with my senior high youth kids at a conference at a college in Tennessee. 2014 also holds big adventures! Mariah and I just booked a seven night Caribbean cruise with Carnival for the week after Christmas when our preschool is closed. Three nights at sea, with stops in St. Maarten, San Juan, and Grand Turk! We're also staying the night before our cruise in Miami, which I've only ever been to once, the night before we flew out to go to Haiti two years ago. My wanderlust heart is beyond excited and I have spent the past 24 hours googling everything I can find on our ports of call, exploring the ship on Carnival's website, and dreaming of warmth since it's pretty much been snowing here in Ohio since early December, with no signs of stopping anytime soon. While it stinks to have to wait 11 months for a vacation, it will be well worth it in the end! :)
I think one of the biggest things I learned in 2013 was contentment. Throughout the majority of my 20s, I struggled with being content with God's timing and in being single. Watching friend after friend get married and start a family took a toll on my heart, but God gently reminded me that He is to be my all. His timing is perfect and His plans are way better than my own. I signed myself up for a year long Disciple Bible study that is working me through the Old Testament and shining a light into my life that I needed to see. I also joined a women's small group that meets on Thursday evenings. It was originally a four week follow up to the women's retreat I went on back in November, but we enjoyed meeting together so much that we decided to keep going with meeting on Thursday nights. We're currently talking about priorities and boundries in our lives while working through Balancing It All by Candace Cameron Bure. I've come to cherish my Thursday nights and the amazing ladies that bring so much joy to my life. It's the one place I've come to feel as if I can be real and vulnerable and they'll love me despite the messiness of life and the things I struggle with.
One of the greatest blessings to my life this year has been the youth ministry. I've been a youth sponsor since 2009, but this year I feel as if God has really been nudging me to pour my heart and soul into these kids. I currently mentor two of our senior high girls who I love dearly and spend quality time with most of the kids twice a week during youth Bible study and Sunday night worship. It's been a blessing to watch them grow together and to become a family this year, something we adults have been praying for over the past several years.
I learned this year who my friends are, the people who have surrounded me with love, grace, and joy on a daily basis. Some of them are scattered and we're separated by miles and hours, but I know all I have to do is pick up the phone or send them an email, and they'll drop everything for me. I gained one very dear friend, a coworker who has stuck by my side since summer and who probably doesn't realize how much I cherish her friendship. She has listened to me vent, I'm fairly certain she potentially has seen me cry, and she has loved me despite the ugliness of the battles we've fought together. I can't imagine what both my life and work would be like without her friendship. When I look at my life, I no longer have multiple "best friends." Instead, I have a circle of close friends, people who build me up, encourage me, and love me for who I am. We've all been together for so long that I can't imagine what life would be like without them.
I used to dread turning 29, knowing it was the end of my 20s and thinking that I was going to be old by turning 30. Instead, I look forward to this year and the exciting things I know God has planned for my life. I'm slowly learning to become okay with the fact that I may never get married (I have several friends who keep pushing me and telling me I need to move or switch churches to find a husband-not going to happen!) and I'm learning what it means to be content in who I am and who Christ calls me to be. My identity is not found in a husband, my job, or my finances. It is found in Jesus, who wants nothing more than my utmost devotion and my heart.
Here's to 2014...new adventures, better finances, and a life full of love and laugther. I can't wait to see what this year holds. :)
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