Expectations. We have them for ourselves. We feel pressured to meet them from others. The driving question behind expectations is...what are our motives? What are the motives of others? This is the thought that's been floating through my head for the past couple of hours after dropping off a couple of my youth girls and an intense discussion we had during our car ride.
Part of me is posting this for myself, for my own accountability to my growth and my acknowledging my struggle. Part of me is posting it because I want my youth kids to learn from my past. Part of me is posting it because it's time to put a stop to the lies that Satan and society try to brainwash us with on a daily basis.
Society tells us that in order to be beautiful, we must be a skinny size 0. Our hair and makeup have to be perfect, and we have to be up to date on the latest styles and trends floating around. Women have to work twice as hard as men to be recognized for any of their success, which causes us to place unnecessary pressure on ourselves to succeed and not make mistakes. There are the expectations that we are to graduate high school, go to college, find the perfect job immediately after graduation, get married, and then start a family. If we don't do these things, or we do them out of order, then in the eyes of society, we have gone wrong somewhere.
I grew up in a household where I was told on a daily basis that I wasn't good enough. No matter how hard I worked, no matter how many A's I brought home, it wasn't good enough. I was never into sports and I preferred to spend my free time curled up with a good book or spending time with a few close friends. I was told that no one would ever love me because I wasn't skinny and beautiful enough. I worked three times as hard as my friends to prove myself to the one person who said these words to me day in and day out and no matter what I did I wasn't good enough.
The day my parents divorced was the most freeing day of my life. Some of my friends have trouble understanding why I say I love Cincinnati so much. This is the place my dreams came alive. It was the place I was finally able to breathe and begin to live my life. I flourished and I grew and before I knew it, I was able to spread my wings and fly. Turns out though, that this little bird still struggled underneath the bold new exterior she had put on.
During college, I finally came to realize just how much pain and anger I was carrying around inside. The ridiculous expectations that had been placed on me by the one person who should have loved me unconditionally led me to a counselor who turned my world upside down. It was my freshman year of college that I finally began to let go and realize that I didn't have to try so hard. My life wasn't defined by my grades, my looks, or my weight. My life was defined by my relationship with Christ and my identity that could only be found in Him. When I came to this conclusion, it was as if huge shutters had been removed from my eyes. I realized that by allowing both this person in my life and the media to feed lies into my life, that I was going to sink. It didn't matter how hard I worked or how skinny I became, if I continued to buy into these lies, I was never going to be the person I was created to be.
I write these words because I see some of my youth girls struggling with the same things that I did, and sometimes still do, struggle with. I see them using food and grades and clothing size to be the one thing in their lives they can control when everything else is falling apart. I see them falling back on the same nasty habits and patterns that I still sometimes find myself falling into. I don't want them to reach the point I did my freshman year of college where I stopped going to class and I pushed everyone away because I was depressed. I want to break those chains now and help them to understand that their identity is not found in their clothing size, their grades, or the amount of makeup they wear. Their identity is found in Christ and the peace and strength only He can give.
I write these words tonight because I am openly admitting that there are many times I still fall into these nasty thought patterns. I am human and I allow Satan to whisper to my soul and tell me that I will still never be good enough, that no matter how hard I work, I'm still going to fail. I had a conversation today with someone in my church family who has spoken so much truth and light into my life over the past six years and it was in that conversation that I was reminded that I am fully capable of anything I put my mind to and that I need to be able to prove my success and my capabilities to others. I can't just sit back and let others take control because that small voice in the back of my head is whispering that I can't do it.
My heart hurts tonight for the battles I know that some of my girls are fighting. My heart hurts that society and the media, along with the people we are closest to continue to tell us that we are not worthy and that we must be a perfect size 0, make straight A's, and that there is no room for mistakes. These lies need to be erased from our lives and we need to allow the truth of Christ to shine through. It is only in Christ that our identities are truly made. A relationship with Jesus gives us grace, gives us freedom, and reminds us that we don't have to be perfect, because He loves us just the way we are. When we begin to see ourselves through the eyes of Christ, it is only then that we see our true beauty and our true worth.
