As I write this, I am sitting in the middle of Panera trying to kill some time before a late babysitting job (after an already long week!). I've been wanting to write this for awhile now, but can never find the time or energy to sit down and do it, so I thought now as I sit here in reflective silence would the perfect time to do so.
Almost a year ago, one of my closest friends found himself in the midst of a major spiritual calling to step away from the church both of us had grown up in to follow God's leading him elsewhere. I one hundred percent supported him, knowing he was walking in obedience to what God wanted for his life but told myself (and him!) repeatedly that God would NEVER call me away from the only church environment that had made an impact on me. Imagine my surprise six months later when I began to feel God tugging on my heart to make a major change in my own life, one that meant leaving this church and church family I swore I would never walk away from.
My story starts all the way back in high school, when I first became a Christ follower and I began to allow my faith to impact the decisions I would make. I stumbled repeatedly for years as I struggled to understand what it truly meant to be a follower of Christ and what that looked like in my day to day life. Post college, I moved back home and threw myself into church activities. About a year after college, I found myself volunteering with the youth, something I quickly discovered I was good at. It was in those five and a half years that I truly found out what my faith meant to me and allowed God to be the one who directed my steps. I knew my job was to be an example to the youth kids, to help them grow and mature in their own faith, but for five years I grew right alongside them.
Don't get me wrong-I wasn't the perfect example. No one is perfect and I made plenty of mistakes and owned up to them. Those mistakes sharpened my faith and pushed me to be better. As my relationship with Jesus grew, so did my willingness to allow Him to lead my life. Six months after my close friend switched churches, I found myself hungry for more. I desired a community of believers my own age, people I could relate to and who were in the same life stage as me. For years it had been something I desired, but I never allowed myself to be open to the idea of going somewhere else until someone close to me showed me that it was okay to walk in obedience and that sometimes, God's plans are far greater than our own.
Back in April and May, I found myself asking a lot of difficult questions about my faith, about what the Bible had to say on those topics, and what God truly wanted for my life. I started attending Saturday night services with my friend at his new church and found myself full of questions and struggles as I walked out of those services, knowing that God was working on my heart. Around that same time, there were major leadership changes happening within my old church, making it the perfect time for me to step down from my youth volunteer position and to find out what else God potentially had in the cards for me. I would spend hours grilling my friend and then following it up with research online, followed by even more long conversations with my accountability partner.
In June, after much soul seeking, prayer, tears, and conversations with people I considered to be my spiritual mentors, I made the tough decision to switch churches and allow God to guide me where He wanted me to go. I ended up at Crossroads, a church MUCH bigger than the one I had been attending since high school. I was consistently attending Sunday services and checked out a community group of people my own age that is centered around the idea of what it means to follow Jesus and live a life of discipleship at the advice of the same friend who had convinced me to check out Crossroads. I loved Crux and I loved Crossroads but spent the summer living in fear, fear of making a mistake, fear of letting new people in, and fear that I wasn't where God intended for me to be. I even spent some time hopping between churches, which quickly wore me down spiritually and emotionally.
It wasn't until this past week when I attended a Last Wednesday service at Crossroads that I truly allowed my heart to open to the idea that this is where God wanted me to be. I knew I had been called away from my old church for a reason and that Crossroads and Crux had come into my life at the time I needed them most. I know it sounds crazy, but all of my fears and insecurities of starting over and letting new people in are gone. I am developing relationships with the people in my pod (my small group within my community group) and have even signed up for a weekend away at Lake Cumberland with them next weekend, knowing that an intimate setting outside of our small group time is just what I need to really begin to foster relationships.
It has been a tough few months, but I feel as if I am finally taking ownership of my own faith. I am hungry for the will of God and love making new discoveries of what He is asking of me. I am opening my heart and mind to possibilities and people that I never would have encountered had I never allowed God to lead me where He wanted me to be. My heart for missions and serving is going crazy right now praying over a big decision of doing a Go trip, which is Crossroads equivalent of a mission trip. Sign ups don't happen until January, but I'm fairly confident that at the end of next July, I'll be serving at Go NOLA to help with the ongoing recovery efforts from Hurricane Katrina. There are also future possibilities of going to South Africa and India in the next few years but for now I'm taking baby steps and taking each day one day at a time to see where God leads me.
It's been a long time coming, but the contentment I feel is incredible and I love the growth I am seeing in my own life. I can't wait to see what happens in the next few months as I continue to walk in obedience and faith. :)
