Seven years ago, I was given a diagnosis that I thought was the end of my life as I knew it. I never thought I would be where I am right now, trusting God to make me whole and letting Him use this diagnosis to make me chase after Him with reckless abandon.
I never expected when I made the switch to Crossroads for my life to be turned upside down. I never expected to see prayers I had been praying for over 10 years start to be answered. I don't know what I expected, but it certainly hasn't been all the incredible things I've seen in the past seven and a half months. It amazes me that even as I tried SO hard to run away my first couple of months at Crossroads that God continued to pursue me relentlessly.
During the Christmas season, I typically struggle with loneliness and trusting that God's plans for my life are far greater than my own. I could be sitting in a room full of people and still feel like I'm by myself. I tend to shut people out and keep everything bottled up inside of me. I look at the people around me, my friends who are happily married with kids, friends who are dating, and even strangers who are sitting in church or walking through a store holding hands and question when it's going to be my turn. I get caught up in the fact that with each year, I am still single and still childless. I struggle with being in a job that I know isn't my passion (though I do love it) and question where it is that I'm supposed to be. Lately, as my health issues have resurfaced, I question that God will ever bring along anyone who could love me despite the fact that I don't know if I can have a family of my own.
Then, about three weeks ago, I sat in a Saturday night service at Crossroads and listened to Chuck Mingo talk about light overcoming the darkness. He talked about the environment that Jesus was born into and how even though the songs talk about it being a "silent night" in a "little town of Bethlehem," it really was a culture where oppression and darkness ran rampant. For YEARS, people waited for this King, this child who would become their Savior. It was only after Jesus was born that light overcame the darkness.
At the end of his message, Chuck had the lights in the auditorium turned out and asked us to think about the darkness that we focus on in our own lives, the things that consume us and keep us from seeing the light of Christ in us and around us. He told us to think about what we make this season out to be, whether we were preoccupied with being single, with not being able to give enough gifts, and then he very specifically asked us where we were finding our fulfillment at. I sat in that dark auditorium and all I could think about was how I was caught up in my health issues and the fact that I was still single instead of looking at all the incredible things I've seen God do throughout the past 12 years of me following Him.
As I sat in that dark auditorium, I bowed my head and I let the tears fall. I told God I wanted Him to make me whole, that I trusted that His plans are far greater than my own. I know He has a purpose for this diagnosis and I want Him to make me whole according to His plan. His idea of being made whole and mine could be two completely different things. If He wants me to have a family and children, He will make it happen in His way and His timing. My job right now is to let Him work His plans into my life.
Since being at Crossroads, God is knocking down all the walls that I had erected to keep people out. He has brought me into a community of people my age, people who love me and accept me for who I am. He has given me an incredible group of women who hold me accountable and push me to chase after Jesus in a way that I could never have done at my old church. I've been taught and shown the meaning of vulnerability and love over and over and over again by these incredible people in my life. I'm learning that I can't grow and seek Jesus if I don't allow people to get close to me. I have to let people in and let them knock down the walls I've put up if I truly want to follow the Lord the way I know I'm called to do.
I walk into Crossroads and in the midst of worship, I find myself with the biggest smile on my face. It has become such a joy to worship this King who loves me SO much that He died for me. I can't take notes fast enough throughout the message and I can't say enough good things about the things happening in me and in our Crossroads community. My sister and the kids are actively attending church with me, something I have spent over 10 years praying for. God is doing incredible things throughout the five campuses of Crossroads and it is such a blessing to be part of such an amazing community of people who want to further the Kingdom.
I want to be made whole in only a way that Jesus can make me whole. I want to further the Kingdom and spread the love of Christ just like we have been commissioned to do. I want 2015 to be the year that I run after Jesus with reckless abandon, trusting that His plans will always be greater than my own.
