My desk is a mess, much like my heart is. My calendar is full, showing how busy life has been keeping me these past several months. But it is here, in the midst of the busyness and mess that God is pruning me and teaching me what it means to kneel at the Cross.
The last time I sat down with an empty page on my blog was over a year ago. In that moment, I was so excited about all the changes that were happening in my life. God was bringing me into a new season, a season I very much fought against initially. That season in my life lasted close to a year, full of one change after the next. I grew as a person, as a leader, and most of all, as a follower of Christ. I sit here, over a year later, thankful for what I saw God do in those months as a I struggled to stay above water and I struggled to learn how to lead an amazing group of women that He blessed me with. I am thankful for the group of women He has given me on Saturday mornings that I can wrestle through the messy parts of my life with and know that at the end of the day, they still love me despite the mess.
Over the course of the past year, I learned how to be a leader. I learned how to make myself vulnerable to a group of strangers so that they could grow and get to know Jesus on a deeper level. One of these women became my roommate, someone I am so incredibly thankful for on a daily basis. I don't tell her enough, but I appreciate her so much for listening to me when I know she has to be sick of my stories, for seeing me cry, for knowing when to be silent, but also knowing when I need her to lovingly speak the truth into my life, no matter how much it hurts. She pushes me outside of my comfort zone on a regular basis and watching her grow has pushed me to chase after Jesus in a way I never knew I could do before.
Over the course of the last year, I learned how to make myself vulnerable financially. Back in the fall, Crossroads began the I'm In Campaign. For nights I went over and over my budget, looking for all the ways I could scale back so I could lovingly give to this church that I love to call home. As I did that, I learned what it means to lay your finances out on the line and to allow people you are close to speak truth into them. I am thankful every day for one of my married couple friends who sat down with me and have taken numerous nights out of their busy schedules to make sure I am financially secure.
Over the course of the last year, I learned how to step out of the boat and take a chance. Back in the fall I was offered a job at an organization that is now so near and dear to my heart. I heard God calling me to seek out a change and I am so glad that I did. Not only do I love getting up and going to work daily, but I love that I work with two of my closest friends. I love that I can come to work and be honest about when I am struggling and to know that they love me anyway. I am thankful that my job allows for the flexibility of family and the things that come with being in a family. I love that I can (for the most part) make my own hours and work around the different things that unexpectedly pop up in my life. I am thankful that these two amazing women who are now not only my friends, but my coworkers, took a chance on me and are teaching me to be confident in my job. They push me when I need it but through them, I have learned to fly on my own and love what I do.
In all the good moments, it is easy to think that you are on top of a mountain. It's easy to stay in that contented zone of things being good and thinking how blessed you are because of how God has provided. But it's in that moment, that very moment when we get comfortable, that God tells us "Not so fast. I'm not done with you yet," and presents us with moments for growth. I am in that season right now. Things have been so good and yet, there is still one area of my life that I have never given God full access to and that area is my childhood and the pain that went along with it. Things have happened over the past several months that have led to the pain of those wounds being reopened and instead of pushing that pain away and forgetting about it, I am learning how to deal with it. I am learning what it means to lay my burdens at the Cross on a daily basis and allowing Jesus to take care of the things I can't tackle on my own.
I sit here, surrounded by my to-do list, my calendar, and the many amazing people in my life and yet...I feel very much alone. I know for me that it is my way of coping and I am glad that I am not allowing myself to wallow in that aloneness. I am reaching out and seeking out people who are holding me accountable and pushing me to work towards forgiveness to a person I never wanted to give forgiveness to. I was so sure that people were sick of hearing about my "drama" and seeing me cry, but they are proving me wrong. This core group of people I surround myself with love me DESPITE the mess of my heart and are pushing me to seek Jesus in these moments that I want to wallow in the pain.
Does it make it hurt any less? No, definitely not. There is still pain and tears and brokenness but from that comes beauty. God is going to redeem my heart in a way that only He can. There isn't a single person on this earth that can offer me redemption and freedom. Those come only from seeking after Jesus and allowing Him to make a change in my heart. I want that freedom. I want it so badly that I can taste it but there is also fear in wanting that freedom. There is fear in the unknown. But I know, at the end of the day, no matter what happens, I have Jesus and that makes every fear and every unknown worth it.
