One of the hardest things to do, is to sit in one of your favorite places, with someone who loves you, and to look at them and tell them that you don't believe you are worthy enough to be loved by them. However, that's exactly what I did last night. The deeper I get into my therapy sessions, the more I am unpacking the lies that I've spent my entire life believing. Last night, I finally spilled out my heart to Vince, who has been in my life for the past 11 years, but with whom I've always had a fear of being honest with about my past because I'm just waiting for him to decide I'm too much and for him to walk away from me.
Some days, it is incredibly hard to get out of bed. It's hard to walk through my day to day routine without dealing with the anxiety that floats through my head. I hear myself talk and then I ask myself how ridiculous I sounded. I question myself in meetings because I don't believe I am "professional" enough to have a voice. I spend time with my friends and I feel like I'm a burden. I catch myself in many settings putting on a mask because I don't want people to see just how much I am struggling.
But every day, I get up and I push through. I tell the lies in my head to shut up. I remind myself of how far I have come and how strong I am. Last night, I sat in one of my favorite spots, staring at the river, and poured my heart out to my best friend. I explained to him about my past, the lies that had been told to me, the things I witnessed, and how much I honestly believe I am not worthy enough to be loved. I told him I believe that I am broken and that there is something wrong with me. I waited for him to freak out, waited for him to tell me I'm too much, and it NEVER happened. Instead, he hugged me, shook his head, and reminded me that he's never going anywhere. He reminded me that we all have baggage and that maybe not everyone talks about it, but it's not going to change our friendship. He reminded me how much he loves me and that he's always going to be here to support me and listen when I need it.
He didn't have to come down this weekend. He's in a transition period of a new job and has had stuff on his own plate. But he knew I needed him and he knew I needed to get this off my chest so he made me a priority. Being four hours apart, it's not always convenient for us to have weekend visits and phone calls, but we make it happen because we treat each other as a priority. I spent a good chunk of today replaying our conversation from last night and being fearful that everything has changed, that he didn't actually mean it when he said he'll always be there for me. Logically, I know these thoughts are not right, but my anxiety gets the best of me and it makes the doubts creep in. When he hugged my goodbye this morning, he reminded me to think with the logical side of my brain and to ignore the lies he knew would creep in today. I know that things haven't changed, because in true Heather and Vince fashion, we spent the rest of today texting and he told me he missed me. It sounds silly to have a text like that mean so much, but it's a perfect reminder that my heart needs because it reminds me that I have people in my life who care about me, despite my baggage.
Right at this moment, I am thankful that I spilled my heart out. I am thankful that he finally knows the truth and that it doesn't change anything. The more I face my past head on, the stronger I become. I am learning to work through the anxiety, to tell the lies to shut up, and to believe that I am strong and brave. My past can't hurt me anymore. The person who spent 16 years tearing me down no longer has control over me. I refuse to allow events from the past to control my relationships. Each day is a new day and each time I tell my story, each time I cast out those lies, I just become that much stronger.
"Don't be afraid, for I am with you.
Don't be discouraged for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand."
--Isaiah 41:10
