A forever type of love

A couple of months ago, my dear friend Megan and I were using our facebook to message each other back and forth on what was going on in our lives. At the time, it had been awhile since I'd given her a proper update and I distinctly remember in the message she had sent me that she wanted to especially know how the Lord was moving in my life. Well, I didn't tell her. In fact, I glossed over the question like I hadn't seen it and talked about the shallow day to day things happening in my life. I was too afraid to admit to her (though I think it came out later, and if it didn't, it is now) that I hadn't opened my Bible in months, nor had I been having quiet times. I was too caught up in what I like to call "Heather world" to spend the necessary amount of time with the Lord that He deserved.

That brings us to the here and now. For the last six months, to be truthfully, painfully honest, my regular quiet times haven't existed. I go through the motions in church and genuinely look forward to Sunday mornings with my small group and worshiping with my church family, but outside of that, I haven't put forth any effort and lately, it's been showing. It wasn't until my small group leader took me out for dinner to celebrate my graduation that I was ready to admit both to her and to myself, that I was struggling. I had been so overwhelmed with school and work and interning and volunteering with the youth that I was drained in every aspect of my life. I knew I needed a fresh start and I just wasn't sure where to begin.

That all changed tonight. Anyone who knows me knows that I love Karen Kingsbury's books and I have been obsessed with the Bailey Flanigan series ever since she started writing it. I was anxiously awaiting getting the last book at the library and this week my hold finally came through. I read, from start to finish, in less than 24 hours. I couldn't put it down. I love to read, especially Christian fiction, because I can always relate to something in the book. This is one series where I knew what Bailey was feeling, as she anxiously was trying to follow the Lord's plan for her life, including her love story. Reading this final book in the series, I think at first I was genuinely shocked by who she ended up with, but then, as I truly took in the words Karen poured out into these pages and these characters, I realized that Bailey ended up exactly where God wanted her...in His perfect timing and His perfect plan.

I put the book down tonight and sat on the couch in stunned disbelief as the Lord just spoke to me. He had been speaking to me the whole way home, about how I deserve a forever kind of love, a love where a man will pursue me and not the other way. A man who will lift me and encourage me and lead me, just as Christ intended. I don't deserve to settle and I think in some ways, after some conversations with a friend a couple of weeks ago, I was about to let myself settle for second best, for something that I knew deep down I didn't truly feel, something God had told me back in college wasn't His plan for my life.

Then, just as I was specifically praying about this particular scenario and praying about God's perfect timing and His plan for my life, my phone rang. I just got off the phone from an amazing two hour phone call that just gave me so much more to think and pray about. I love having friends in my life that encourage me and push me to seek out what I think and believe and that push me to grow in my faith. I love friends that bring so much laughter and joy to my life. I have loved every minute of God writing this story and this friendship and as I pray about it, I can't wait to see where He takes it next.

So what is all this babbling about? It's about my love for the Lord and His love for me. It's about the fact that I deserve a forever kind of love, not a love that I'm settling for. It's about trusting that God's holy and perfect plan is just that...perfect. I'm tired of this whole two steps forward, five steps back game I've been playing with my faith. I want it to be real and genuine. I want to seek the Lord so whole-heartedly that any man who even begins to think about pursuing me has to at first pursue Him in order to find my heart.

Tonight I learned the beginning of the meaning of trust. I'm going to learn even more what that term means in four weeks when I head to Haiti and truly let the Lord speak through me and guide my actions for the 10 days I'll be overseas. I'm going to learn it even more as I continue to trust in His plan for next year and my career and my future. He has been so faithful to me in the almost 10 years since I gave my life to Him (so crazy that it's been almost 10 years!) so why can't I be faithful to Him and trust Him? He has never led me astray and He never will. I want to live my faith out loud. I want to be genuine. I want to love Him with my whole heart and serve Him all the days of my life. There is NO greater joy in my life than that of my faith and the love my Lord has for me. What a sweet, sweet reminder this week.

Here's to a fresh start and truly letting the Lord take my life and make it His. I can't wait to see what my beautiful future holds.