The one with the timing

It's funny that I was thinking of creating this post tonight because we discussed contentment with our youth kids tonight and it was just what I needed to hear with this blog post floating through my head.

As a 28 year old single female, I'd like to think I have my life figured out by now. Funny enough, I don't. Not even close. There are some days where I wake up and all I want to do is pull the blankets back up over my head instead of facing the obstacles I know God has planned for me for the day. Does that ever happen? Well, sometimes on a Saturday it does. I'll admit I slept until almost 3 yesterday afternoon simply because I could. And I needed it fighting off a cold.

When I look at where my life is at this present moment, it's definitely not where I planned it to be. Am I content with where I am? Well, the jury is still out on that one. Some days the answer is yes. Other days the answer is no. It all comes down to whatever has gone on that day and the mood I may be in. I am slowly learning what contentment looks like and trusting that the plans God has for my life are far better than any plan I ever had.

Back in high school, I had my life all planned out. I was going to go to college, graduate, start my career, get married, and start a family...all before I was 30. Well, I'm about a year and a half out from being 30 and so far the only things checked off of that list are going to college and graduating. I'm in a job that doesn't necessarily require a degree, I'm single, and I definitely don't have a family of my own. I'm the proud aunt of four amazing kids and another on the way, but I don't have kids of my own just yet.

Sometimes, I look at my life and wonder what I'm missing. I love my job, even if it's not my dream job. I love being a youth sponsor and a mentor. I love my small group. I love my family and friends. Every day is full of something different and most nights I go to bed exhausted. However, I wonder how often I use my busy schedule to keep myself from letting the loneliness inside of me come to the surface. About six months ago, I was having a conversation with an older lady from my church who asked me if I could sense my biological clock ticking since I'm so close to 30, unmarried, with no kids. This was said in response to talk about wedding talk with some other women from my church. I jokingly blew her comment off but inside I was seething. "How dare she say something like that to me?! She has no right to make that kind of judgment towards me!" I was livid. Then, the more I thought about it, the more it crushed me. I started to see all the couples around me planning weddings and babies and started yelling at God, asking when it was finally going to be my turn. It didn't matter that I didn't feel ready to be married yet. Clearly I was missing something because that's all people kept telling me.

Fast forward to the past several weeks. I've had conversations with friends who have asked me if I feel like I'm missing out on something because my sister is younger than me, has kids, and is buying a house. I look at them and tell them I'm perfectly content that she is the one with the children because I can spoil them rotten and I love being an aunt. Quite honestly, the one thing she has that I want the most is that she's out on her own. It takes a lot for me to admit that I'm 28 and I still live at home, especially because SO many of my high school and college friends are all living on their own. I can't afford to move out on my salary, especially with having to pay back student loans. I recently had dinner with a college friend I haven't seen in a couple of years and she asked me where I was living and when I told her at home, she asked me "How is that?" I had to think about it for a minute and honestly, it's not bad. I'm usually so busy that I'm home long enough to eat, sleep, and change my clothes. However, there's this stigma attached to being the age that I am and still being at home. It's almost shameful to admit that at 28, you still live with mommy and daddy, as if you've failed and can't make it on your own.

Then there's the issue of love. I have a separate blog planned for my thoughts on love, marriage, and relationships versus friendships (especially tied in with my favorite movie) so for this post I'll suffice it to say that being single at 28 was not part of my plan. At 28, I was hopeful that I would be married and pregnant with my first (maybe second) child. Clearly that is NOT what God has in the works for me, at least not yet. I have a medical condition that makes me unsure if I can even have children, but that doesn't mean my heart doesn't yearn for a family of my own. I've gotten to a point lately where I tell people that I don't know if I want kids of my own but let me share a secret with you...I do...very much so. I came to this realization at the end of naptime the other day when I opened the curtains in my classroom to see our kindergarten assistant on the playground having a conversation with a couple of the little girls. Watching him with the kids made me remember how much I desire a man who loves children and wants a family of his own someday.

I love the story in Genesis where God fulfills His promise to Abraham and Sarah and finally blesses them with a child of their own. It gives me so much hope that if God places a desire in your life, He will fulfill that desire, but in His timing. Abraham and Sarah waited for a child for a very long time. In fact, Abraham was 100 years old when his son was finally born! If God can fulfill Abraham and Sarah's dreams at that age, I'm pretty sure me being 28 without children is NOT that big of a deal.

The one verse that gives me the most comfort is my favorite. Psalm 37:4 says "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." This is by far my all time favorite verse. The more I pray about it, and the more I live it out in my daily life, the more I find it to be true. My desires may not be God's desires for my life, and the more I turn over the keys to my life to Him, the more His desires became prevalent and prove to be far greater than anything I have ever planned for my life.

I feel as if the last year and a half especially have been teaching me contentment in every aspect of my life. I have my days where I want to take control and yell and scream and ask God when it's going to be my turn to have the things I have always wanted most: a career, a husband, and kids but then He shows me the amazing things I have in my life right now and reminds me that His plan is better than mine. I have to learn to be content in where I currently am before I can move on to the future. I, for one, can't wait to see what He has planned for me.

The one on body image



I've been playing around with various blog topics for the last several nights but decided to start with this one after an impromptu shopping trip tonight. (No worries though because I have several started on paper that I'll get around to sharing in the next few days.)

 

My best friend and I decided to go for ice cream tonight and then afterwards, we popped into a clothing store, one of my favorites but that I don't shop at very often because it's on the more expensive side. I was there to share feedback on what she was trying on and ended up picking up several tank tops and a dress to try on. Then, I came across this beauty. 

 

 

 

I'm not one to go for these type of dresses because I typically think they look better on the hanger than on me. That had been the case with both tank tops and the first dress I tried on. Imagine my surprise when this dress fit just right, as if it had been designed just for me! I kept staring at myself in the mirror, having the hardest time comprehending the image that stared back at me.

 

I have always struggled with my self-esteem and my body. Growing up with a father who was verbally abusive made it impossible for me to believe that I was beautiful. There wasn't a day that went by that he didn't tell me that I wasn't good enough, that no one would ever love me or want to marry me because I wasn't beautiful enough. During my teen years, especially when we first moved to Cincinnati, I struggled with never feeling like I measured up. All of the girls around me at school (at least in my mind) looked like they had just stepped off of a movie set. They were skinny, beautiful, and popular-all the things I knew I would never be. It wasn't until I met one of my best friends and she invited me to church that I was able to start breaking myself of these thoughts. Giving my life to Christ taught me that my self-worth wasn't about the outer appearance, but was about my inner beauty.

 

As I've grown in my faith over the last 11 years, I've learned that until I learn to love myself, no one will ever be able to fully love me. I am the one who jeopardizes every friendship and relationship because in my mind, I will never measure up. I had my first serious relationship almost two years ago and it was the first time that I ever felt beautiful and worthy. Here was someone who genuinely cared about me for me and didn't make me feel as if I had to change to capture his attention. After we broke up, some of my friends gently reminded me that even though our relationship didn't last, it taught me that there are people who genuinely see me for me and who think I'm beautiful just the way I am, not the way society expects me to be.

 

I've spent the last year and a half growing steadily in my faith and what I read in the Bible astounds me. I am created in God's image. That means that every time I get down on myself and how I look, I am criticizing and denouncing God for who He created me to be. He thinks I am beautiful and perfect. He knitted me inside my mother's womb and knows the very number of hairs on my head. There isn't a part of me that He does not love. If that's the case, then who am I to be so hard on myself?

 

Self-worth comes from accepting who you are, both inside and out. It means loving every part of yourself just as God loves you. One of my favorite quotes is "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." It's up to you to decide your self-worth and where it comes from. Society, friends, family, coworkers, etc. are NOT the people who decide what makes you beautiful. Your beauty comes from within and with it, comes your self-worth. God created YOU in HIS image and He thinks you are beautiful and perfect just the way you are. Who are you to argue with that fact?