Friendship and loyalty

One of the hardest things to do, is to sit in one of your favorite places, with someone who loves you, and to look at them and tell them that you don't believe you are worthy enough to be loved by them. However, that's exactly what I did last night. The deeper I get into my therapy sessions, the more I am unpacking the lies that I've spent my entire life believing. Last night, I finally spilled out my heart to Vince, who has been in my life for the past 11 years, but with whom I've always had a fear of being honest with about my past because I'm just waiting for him to decide I'm too much and for him to walk away from me.

Some days, it is incredibly hard to get out of bed. It's hard to walk through my day to day routine without dealing with the anxiety that floats through my head. I hear myself talk and then I ask myself how ridiculous I sounded. I question myself in meetings because I don't believe I am "professional" enough to have a voice. I spend time with my friends and I feel like I'm a burden. I catch myself in many settings putting on a mask because I don't want people to see just how much I am struggling.

But every day, I get up and I push through. I tell the lies in my head to shut up. I remind myself of how far I have come and how strong I am. Last night, I sat in one of my favorite spots, staring at the river, and poured my heart out to my best friend. I explained to him about my past, the lies that had been told to me, the things I witnessed, and how much I honestly believe I am not worthy enough to be loved. I told him I believe that I am broken and that there is something wrong with me. I waited for him to freak out, waited for him to tell me I'm too much, and it NEVER happened. Instead, he hugged me, shook his head, and reminded me that he's never going anywhere. He reminded me that we all have baggage and that maybe not everyone talks about it, but it's not going to change our friendship. He reminded me how much he loves me and that he's always going to be here to support me and listen when I need it.

He didn't have to come down this weekend. He's in a transition period of a new job and has had stuff on his own plate. But he knew I needed him and he knew I needed to get this off my chest so he made me a priority. Being four hours apart, it's not always convenient for us to have weekend visits and phone calls, but we make it happen because we treat each other as a priority. I spent a good chunk of today replaying our conversation from last night and being fearful that everything has changed, that he didn't actually mean it when he said he'll always be there for me. Logically, I know these thoughts are not right, but my anxiety gets the best of me and it makes the doubts creep in. When he hugged my goodbye this morning, he reminded me to think with the logical side of my brain and to ignore the lies he knew would creep in today. I know that things haven't changed, because in true Heather and Vince fashion, we spent the rest of today texting and he told me he missed me. It sounds silly to have a text like that mean so much, but it's a perfect reminder that my heart needs because it reminds me that I have people in my life who care about me, despite my baggage.

Right at this moment, I am thankful that I spilled my heart out. I am thankful that he finally knows the truth and that it doesn't change anything. The more I face my past head on, the stronger I become. I am learning to work through the anxiety, to tell the lies to shut up, and to believe that I am strong and brave. My past can't hurt me anymore. The person who spent 16 years tearing me down no longer has control over me. I refuse to allow events from the past to control my relationships. Each day is a new day and each time I tell my story, each time I cast out those lies, I just become that much stronger.

"Don't be afraid, for I am with you.
Don't be discouraged for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand."
--Isaiah 41:10 

The one about grace

This weekend, I am headed north to visit my best friend for the weekend and I’ve already prepared him for the fact that I am going to pour out a lot of what is on my heart to him. We’ve been friends for 11 years, but I’ve never been truthful with him about my childhood and the inner struggles I still battle as an adult because of it. I sent him a novel tonight with a picture I took of a journal entry I just wrote and told him it was time. He’s never pressured me to share but he knows there are scars I carry and the only way I’m going to continue to find healing is to share my story and to grow from it. Part of my fear in telling him (and anyone really) is that I’m always afraid people will see me as too much to handle and decide there is someone better out there to be friends with. I know it’s completely illogical but that’s just how my brain works. 

Tonight I was reading in Ephesians and came to this verse, which prompted my whole novel of a text message that I sent to him. As I journaled this, I was reflecting on the fact that while there is brokenness and pain in my story, there is also redemption and beauty from the ashes. God has taken my story and used it to bring freedom to the students I work with. Every day I get to watch my experiences transform the lives of my students because I can fully relate and understand the pain they are experiencing and going through and show them that there is something beautiful that can come from their own experiences. 

While I wouldn't wish my story on anyone, I know there are good things that have come out of it. Everything I have been through has only made me stronger. Last week at our women's group, we talked a lot about grace and most of the women in my group talked about how we struggle to give ourselves grace for the things we've thought about ourselves, the mistakes we've made, and the struggles we've experienced. One of the women in my group shared about how when she first became a believer, she stood in front of a mirror and apologized to herself for the things she had done and how much it changed her. I thought about how I make my students write out affirmations on a mirror and how apologizing to yourself could be so incredibly powerful. I shared with the women in my group that that was what I was going to do this week and then asked one of my friends to hold me accountable to it.

Tonight, I stood in front of my mirror with worship music playing and I apologized to myself for spending so many years believing the lies from my childhood, for shoving down my feelings, and for shutting people out and not letting them get close. I can't even begin to describe the peace I felt from that experience and the freedom I know is going to come from learning to give myself grace. I know I still have some growing to do, but just like this verse says, I have been created anew to do the good things He planned for me so many years ago. It's time to start living that truth out. 

Mental health care is OKAY

I was originally going to make this a Facebook post, but then I realized it would become a novel so I decided to break out the blog. Two back to back nights...this never happens! However, I had a therapy session today and some things the counselor said to me are stuck on my mind and writing has always been my outlet, so here I am.

In my line of work, I am a huge advocate for mental health awareness and care. When you work with students five days a week who have been exposed to trauma, how can you not advocate for mental health care? However, what I am learning is that in all the times I advocate for my students, I have not been taking care of myself.

Anyone who knows me, knows that 2018 was a shit storm. That's honestly the best way I can put it. I finally reached a breaking point and asked for a referral to a counselor, a move that was HUGE in my world, but one that is turning out to be rewarding. I've seen her three times since December, with another appointment scheduled for two weeks from now and each time I've come home and cried because I am completely overwhelmed at how it feels to take care of myself. I've been taking care of my physical health for almost two years but haven't stopped to take care of my mental and emotional health. I am one of those people that goes to one of two extremes: I either feel so deeply that it takes over all of my functioning or I go into complete avoidance mode. 99% of the time it's the avoidance route because I don't know what to do when I feel big emotions. Crazy right? I teach my students coping skills but don't know how to take care of myself.

Today I sat in the counselor's office and I spilled out so much anger and hurt and frustration, emotions I didn't even realize I was fully feeling. I've spent so much time pushing them down, that I had zero clue that they existed or that I was struggling with them. She asked me again about what brings me joy and what makes me feel happy and I struggled to answer her question because I honestly don't know. She gave me homework and told me that I need to continue working on setting limits, learning to say no, and that I need to try and focus on the things that bring a smile to my face every day. She encouraged me to carry around a small notebook to record when these big feelings come over me, with instructions to acknowledge them but not to engage until I had time to sit in them.

We talked a lot about my safe place, the place I feel most comfortable and free and my answer was actually surprising when I said it out loud to her. What I am learning in my sessions is that I live my life always feeling as if the other shoe is going to drop and expecting certain people in my life to walk away from me, because it's what I am used to and what I tolerate. I sat on the couch and cried to my mom tonight, telling her that I am realizing where the consistency in my life is and that my safe place is associated with my safe people and that I need to be truthful with both of them, because I am only hurting myself by bottling up these feelings.

The counselor also suggested I make more time for journaling and self care, so I asked two friends to hold me accountable to actually taking that time out for me. I told the counselor I feel guilty at telling people no, because I always worry about disappointing people but I can't continue to fill others if I don't fill myself first. So at least once a week I plan to make time for me, whether it's a bubble bath, taking myself out to dinner, going for hot chocolate, browsing a bookstore, etc. Self care is SO important, especially in my line of work. Plus, living back at home has been an adjustment and I got used to all my solo time and I crave that time and space for myself. There is nothing wrong in needing time alone to recharge and regroup.

Friends, if you are reading this and you are struggling and unsure of how to deal with life, please please take a lesson from my book and allow yourself to see someone. There is zero shame in advocating for your own mental health and admitting that we aren't created to do life alone. This has been the hardest two months in allowing someone into these spaces that I've kept bottled up for so long, but it's been so incredibly rewarding. My mom even reminded me tonight that while it hurts now, there is going to be so much freedom on the other side. My hope is that my story will inspire even one person to realize that we aren't meant to do life alone. Always remember that you are WORTH taking care of. Never feel bad about advocating for yourself. It is the best gift you can give to yourself.

Worthy of love

Last weekend, I spent the weekend in Cleveland with my best friend, unwinding and relaxing after what has felt like a whirlwind crazy past few weeks. He kept telling me he felt like he should be entertaining me, but what I needed last weekend was a weekend to just be. I had told my mentor earlier in the week that I was looking forward to the weekend in Cleveland because I always come home feeling relaxed and I sleep better there than I tend to do at home.

While I was there, we had a conversation that struck me right in the heart. I don't think he quite understands or realizes how much that conversation impacted me, but it's been on my heart for the past week. The details of the conversation aren't important because what he said to me was pretty personal, but it was personal enough that I didn't know how to accept it. In fact, I'm fairly confident I laughed when he said it, which now I feel terrible about. I realized in thinking back on our conversation that the reason I laughed at what he said is because I don't know how to take a compliment. I wanted to disregard what he said to me as not true, when in reality, he seldom has sappy moments on me (I'm the sap out of the two of us) so when he does say those things, I need to remember that he says them for a reason and that he actually means them.

As I've sat on the words he said to me for the past week, I've realized that my problem is that I still don't believe that I am worthy enough to be loved, whether it is from my friends, my family, or even a relationship. Somewhere in my head I struggle to believe that people actually genuinely care about me and that instead, they just "put up with me." It sounds dumb even as I type it, but when I get inside my own head, it gets ugly. This is part of why I am in therapy....to sort all of this stuff out.

I had a conversation with my kindergarten best friend a couple of nights after my Cleveland trip and she spoke some much needed truth into my life. She laughed when I first told her about what I was feeling and even said that means the first 26 years of our friendship mean nothing. HA! But she was quick to remind me that those lies I still hear in my head are just that...lies. She reminded me that the people in my life LOVE ME and don't just "put up with me," as I phrased it. We were texting earlier tonight and she told me that she loved me and then said "By the way, tell your brain I meant that." I had to laugh because I know that she loves me, just like I know all the other people in my life love me. I just need to get out of my own head and fill my heart with truth.

I am thankful in particular tonight for these two friends of mine. To think one friendship has spanned 27 years is insane. I don't even know how I am old enough to have been friends with someone for that long! But I am thankful that when I look back on my life, the good, the bad, the ugly and all the in between, Diana is the one consistent person in my life. Our friendship has survived growing up on the same street, then her moving 30 minutes away and changing schools, me moving four hours away, our college years, her getting married, and so many other things we've been through. She is the person who is and always will be my biggest cheerleader. She tells me how it is, even when I don't want to hear it. She is the person who will cry with me, laugh with me, and pick me up when I need a friend. We go months between visits but it's as if no time at all has changed. We have been through it all together and I am so thankful to say I have a lifelong best friend in her.

As for Vince, well, I still find it odd sometimes that we are friends and he would agree with me. We are six years apart in age, have never lived in the same city in the entire span of our 11 years of friendship, and yet somehow he's become the other half of me I never knew was missing. There is no one who makes me laugh as much as he does, no one who puts me in my place the way he does, and no one who gets my heart the way he does. We get into the most ridiculous shenanigans together, but at the end of the day, when I need someone to sit and listen to me cry and vent or someone to pick me up, he is the person I go to. Our friendship is 100% built on communication since we have never lived in the same city and I think because we had to build our foundation that way, we quickly realized we had something special and we've worked hard to keep that communication open, no matter what life has thrown at us. Life would be so different without him and I am thankful every day for his friendship.

Between Vince and Diana, my life would be so incomplete because I would constantly feel as if something is missing. They are my go to people, the friends who love me right where I am and the friendships that have sustained years, distance, and so many life changes. Both of them will probably laugh at my sappiness but they are both a huge part of the realizations I have been learning, both in counseling and in my reflective quiet times and without them, I wouldn't be the person I am today.

Feel the fear and do it anyway

Today is day three of our new fitness program but I am swapping out my end of the week rest day to tonight. I had my second counseling appointment today and I can already tell these days will be draining so I am allowing myself the flexibility to flip my schedule as needed.

I was talking to one of my best friends on my way home, asking her to hold me accountable to the homework my counselor gave me. The counselor and I talked a lot today about setting limits for myself, allowing myself the freedom to say no to things and to build in time for myself on a weekly basis. She also told me that much like I make time to make my workouts a priority, I need to make my mental health a priority as well. She gave me another assignment, one that is going to be difficult but one that I know is going to lead to some major break throughs in my life. She reminded me that sometimes it’s okay to be “selfish” and to allow myself space to rest, to feel, and to grow.

Reaching out and going to counseling is by far one of the hardest decisions I have ever made in my entire life. And just like Shaun T says on a regular basis in his programs “Embrace the hard. Growth comes from leaving your comfort zone.” Nothing about this part of my journey is easy. Letting my walls down and working through my baggage is hard.

But what I do know is that when you walk in obedience to where God calls you and have faith in His timing (and the fact that your best friend has been praying about this for YEARS), then He rewards that faith. I know He is going to make something beautiful out of my broken mess. I don’t know what that is yet, but I do know that this journey will be worth it when I get to that beautiful destination.