I've been thinking about this idea of accountability since my small group talked about it last week during our weekly Bible study. We're reading this book called Forgotten God and during our discussion, Seth asked us what it would mean if the church truly lived out what the Spirit was telling them and what it would mean for discipleship and accountability. I mentioned that if we were truly spirit led, then it would mean that people wouldn't be afraid to be real with each other or to be completely open about what's going on in our lives. Instead, we let our fears, anxieties, and insecurities about being judged hold us back from sharing what is truly going on in our lives.
During college, I had great accountability. For two years, Megan called me every Friday morning or afternoon depending on my class schedule and we did an over the phone Bible study and shared our hearts with each other. The geunine caring and accountability was so good for me while I was gone. I had someone to keep me in check about my actions and thoughts, someone I knew was praying for me throughout the week.
Somehow, since graduating almost two years ago (yikes! Where did the time go?!?), that accountability has fallen away. She and I were discussing this last night on the way to meet up with some friends to go bowling and she mentioned that she wished we could be accountability partners but that it probably wasn't the best idea to do so. At first, I couldn't figure out why because who better to be your accountability partner than your best friend? After all, that's what best friends are for right?
And then I realized that being best friends is precisely why we couldn't be accountability partners. We're already too close. Adding in that added expectation is too much for our friendship. Adding in that emotional piece is too much for us. There are some things your best friend just shouldn't know. Even when people say they tell their best friends everything, in reality, we truly don't. There are certain aspects of ourselves that we hide even from the people we consider ourselves the closest to because we know what their stance on those issues are and we know how they'll react to it.
So when it comes down to it then, how do we go about having that accountability in our lives? If you can't have your best friend as your accountability partner, then who do you hold yourself accountable to (other than God)? Who can you be completely open and real with and know that that person is going to love you and pray for you regardless of what you think or what you've done?
This subject is one I'm truly curious about. There are certain areas of my life that I struggle with, areas I find myself holding back from everyone because of how I know they'll react or how I think they'll react. However, the more I hold back, the more I find myself struggling day to day to work through these issues because I have no one to hold me accountable, no one to pray for me, and no one to ask me how I'm doing.
Writing is usually my outlet but my journal and my blog can't exactly pray for me. I need someone I can sit down with once a week and just be real with. I want to be able to pour out my heart and have someone go over Scripture and pray with me and hold me accountable for my thoughts and actions.
I know I need to hold my own self accountable as well, but there's only so much I can do alone. I guess I just want the reassurance of knowing that even if they don't completely understand, they can at least pray with me and for me and help to remind me of the promises of God's Truth, even when I struggle to remember them myself.
What are other's opinions on this? Who are you accountable to? How close is too close for accountability partners? Should it be someone of the same sex or can males and females be accountability partners?
I'm so curious about this because I can really feel God calling me to start being accountable to someone in my life and I'm trying to figure out who the best person is to ask to be that person for me. All I know is I can't do this on my own so it's time to be real with someone. I just have to figure out who.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Faithful
One thing I've learned in the seven years I've been walking with Christ is that God is always faithful. When you pray, He answers. Maybe not always in the way that you expect, but in His own way. I truly believe that God gives you the desires of your heart-if they are the desires He so wants you to have. This is where I'm struggling at the moment. I know Tym is going to read this and be like "Here we go again" so Tym, feel free to disregard this post. This is your warning.
It's time for me to share my heart (without mentioning names so for those who read and know who I'm talking about, please no comments regarding said person's name) and be real. I need some place to share my heart and what I'm feeling so this is me doing so. You have been warned!
For six years, I have been praying for one specific person. One person that I have heard God tell me over and over that this was the one person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. It went from praying vaguely about my future husband and the kind of man I knew God was creating him to be to being about an actual person that I felt God had revealed to me on a Christmas Eve service at church.
This isn't to say that in six years I haven't gone out on dates because I definitely have. Many of those dates ended with the confirmation that those people weren't meant to be more than a friend. The more I prayed about it, the more I really felt God leading me towards this particular person. We had been friends forever and our hang out times were starting to become more serious as we began to seriously share what was going on in our lives with each other. He was one of the few people I could be real with and know that there would be no judgement and criticism.
I had a revelation this weekend at fall retreat where I realized I needed to talk to this person and share my heart. I had to determine exactly what it was I felt and where we stood because I was just setting myself up to get hurt and if he isn't the one God has intended for me, then it's not fair to continue to give parts of my heart to him and for him to give parts of his heart to me. We're both going to end up losing parts of our heart we can't get back and I realized it's not fair to either of our future spouses to become so close and share so much of ourselves with each other if we're not meant to spend the rest of our lives together.
The only problem with my revelation was finding the perfect time and way to do it. I have always been a firm believer that I wanted the man to make the first move in our relationship and to help determine where we stand but is it fair to expect that when we don't have a relationship? Where is the fine line in figuring out if it's okay for me to ask him where we stand?
At the same time, I've recently begun spending time with a guy I find myself attracted to, someone I highly enjoy spending time with, a guy who is sweet, funny, and intelligent. What's the catch you ask? I don't think we're on the same page spiritually and this is where I stop in my tracks. He told me he didn't consider himself a religious person (I don't even remember what we were talking about that prompted that response) and it kind of stopped me in my tracks because I knew that this wouldn't work. 2 Corinthians 6: 14 says "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?"
I know I can't date someone who isn't on the same page as me spiritually. I need someone who can lead me spiritually, someone I can turn to who will understand my struggles and help me through my darkest times. I need someone who will pray with me, who will worship with me, and who will love me as Christ loved the church.
For six years I have been praying for this person by name. It never seems to fail. When I think about my future husband and when I pray for him, this particular person comes to mind. If he is truly the one God intends for me to spend the rest of my life with, then why this other person who it seems is displaying interest in me? Why the confusion and the heartache? Why am I afraid to step out and trust God at His word?
Tonight I drove home from small group in a daze. Because of people from there who read this, I'll refrain from mentioning what upset me but it upset me to the point of turning off my radio and crying out to God as I drove. I told God how upset I was that for six years I feel as if I've been faithful and praying for this one person and for whatever reason, things still aren't where I want them to be. I know His timing is perfect and I know that because we aren't together, that God is still molding us to be the husband and wife He wants us to be for each other. It doesn't make it any easier though. It doesn't make it easy to be one of the few single people in my group of friends and to constantly have them tell me "Your time will come."
No one seems to understand that I have spent so long praying for one person and trusting God at His word and now I find myself questioning and doubting and wondering if I've even heard right to begin with. With this newest "development," anyone would find themselves doubting that they've heard correctly as well. Or, at least, that's what I keep telling myself.
I feel as if the more I pray about both people, the one I've been praying for for six years keeps coming to the surface. I feel as if this person completes me in a way that no one else can and in a way that no one else ever will. So if he's "the one" then why the fears, insecurities, and the doubts? Why can't I just continue to trust God at His word?
My heart hurts so much. I find myself constantly holding back from everyone but Denise because she doesn't know either person involved and because she's been the one person who has been there since high school who seems to understand and will listen to me, regardless of how many times I may have vented about this to her. I find myself holding back from Megan and from Tym and from Brittany because I feel like they hear it so often and sometimes, just the looks on their faces are enough to stop me. It's that "here we go again" look and so I find myself holding back because I fear that they truly are sick of hearing about it and don't want to deal with it. It's become easier to keep it all inside lately and to drive myself crazy than to get that look when I bring it up.
My heart is so burdened. The more I pray, the more confused I continue to feel. I just wish there were an answer, something I could act on now and makes all of this go away but I know until I find the courage to actually step out on faith, I'm just going to drive myself in circles. I just don't know how to do it. How do you tell someone you care without breaking a friendship that you've had f0r so long?
It's time for me to share my heart (without mentioning names so for those who read and know who I'm talking about, please no comments regarding said person's name) and be real. I need some place to share my heart and what I'm feeling so this is me doing so. You have been warned!
For six years, I have been praying for one specific person. One person that I have heard God tell me over and over that this was the one person I was going to spend the rest of my life with. It went from praying vaguely about my future husband and the kind of man I knew God was creating him to be to being about an actual person that I felt God had revealed to me on a Christmas Eve service at church.
This isn't to say that in six years I haven't gone out on dates because I definitely have. Many of those dates ended with the confirmation that those people weren't meant to be more than a friend. The more I prayed about it, the more I really felt God leading me towards this particular person. We had been friends forever and our hang out times were starting to become more serious as we began to seriously share what was going on in our lives with each other. He was one of the few people I could be real with and know that there would be no judgement and criticism.
I had a revelation this weekend at fall retreat where I realized I needed to talk to this person and share my heart. I had to determine exactly what it was I felt and where we stood because I was just setting myself up to get hurt and if he isn't the one God has intended for me, then it's not fair to continue to give parts of my heart to him and for him to give parts of his heart to me. We're both going to end up losing parts of our heart we can't get back and I realized it's not fair to either of our future spouses to become so close and share so much of ourselves with each other if we're not meant to spend the rest of our lives together.
The only problem with my revelation was finding the perfect time and way to do it. I have always been a firm believer that I wanted the man to make the first move in our relationship and to help determine where we stand but is it fair to expect that when we don't have a relationship? Where is the fine line in figuring out if it's okay for me to ask him where we stand?
At the same time, I've recently begun spending time with a guy I find myself attracted to, someone I highly enjoy spending time with, a guy who is sweet, funny, and intelligent. What's the catch you ask? I don't think we're on the same page spiritually and this is where I stop in my tracks. He told me he didn't consider himself a religious person (I don't even remember what we were talking about that prompted that response) and it kind of stopped me in my tracks because I knew that this wouldn't work. 2 Corinthians 6: 14 says "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?"
I know I can't date someone who isn't on the same page as me spiritually. I need someone who can lead me spiritually, someone I can turn to who will understand my struggles and help me through my darkest times. I need someone who will pray with me, who will worship with me, and who will love me as Christ loved the church.
For six years I have been praying for this person by name. It never seems to fail. When I think about my future husband and when I pray for him, this particular person comes to mind. If he is truly the one God intends for me to spend the rest of my life with, then why this other person who it seems is displaying interest in me? Why the confusion and the heartache? Why am I afraid to step out and trust God at His word?
Tonight I drove home from small group in a daze. Because of people from there who read this, I'll refrain from mentioning what upset me but it upset me to the point of turning off my radio and crying out to God as I drove. I told God how upset I was that for six years I feel as if I've been faithful and praying for this one person and for whatever reason, things still aren't where I want them to be. I know His timing is perfect and I know that because we aren't together, that God is still molding us to be the husband and wife He wants us to be for each other. It doesn't make it any easier though. It doesn't make it easy to be one of the few single people in my group of friends and to constantly have them tell me "Your time will come."
No one seems to understand that I have spent so long praying for one person and trusting God at His word and now I find myself questioning and doubting and wondering if I've even heard right to begin with. With this newest "development," anyone would find themselves doubting that they've heard correctly as well. Or, at least, that's what I keep telling myself.
I feel as if the more I pray about both people, the one I've been praying for for six years keeps coming to the surface. I feel as if this person completes me in a way that no one else can and in a way that no one else ever will. So if he's "the one" then why the fears, insecurities, and the doubts? Why can't I just continue to trust God at His word?
My heart hurts so much. I find myself constantly holding back from everyone but Denise because she doesn't know either person involved and because she's been the one person who has been there since high school who seems to understand and will listen to me, regardless of how many times I may have vented about this to her. I find myself holding back from Megan and from Tym and from Brittany because I feel like they hear it so often and sometimes, just the looks on their faces are enough to stop me. It's that "here we go again" look and so I find myself holding back because I fear that they truly are sick of hearing about it and don't want to deal with it. It's become easier to keep it all inside lately and to drive myself crazy than to get that look when I bring it up.
My heart is so burdened. The more I pray, the more confused I continue to feel. I just wish there were an answer, something I could act on now and makes all of this go away but I know until I find the courage to actually step out on faith, I'm just going to drive myself in circles. I just don't know how to do it. How do you tell someone you care without breaking a friendship that you've had f0r so long?
Monday, November 2, 2009
October
Well, since it is now November 2nd and I don't think I ever did a proper update for October, I'll do bullets because I hate that I haven't been able to blog in so long.
--Grad school is seriously eating my soul. I'm only taking classes part time, which means I take two classes a quarter. However, I may as well be full time because I'm on campus four nights a week anyway doing ridiculous amounts of homework and counseling recordings. The recordings are actually fun and I'm learning a lot since it's hands on but Erin and I have become super giggly lately, which makes it difficult to keep the giggles off the tapes we're making. The best part about the recordings is that we never struggle for material because we're both so stressed out that we just vent about our lives and then we counsel each other. Perfect!
--Grad school is seriously eating my soul. I'm only taking classes part time, which means I take two classes a quarter. However, I may as well be full time because I'm on campus four nights a week anyway doing ridiculous amounts of homework and counseling recordings. The recordings are actually fun and I'm learning a lot since it's hands on but Erin and I have become super giggly lately, which makes it difficult to keep the giggles off the tapes we're making. The best part about the recordings is that we never struggle for material because we're both so stressed out that we just vent about our lives and then we counsel each other. Perfect!
--I went to Youngstown early in October and was able to visit with Denise and Irene which was fun. I stayed at Adrienne's mom's house in her old room, which was super weird since she lives in Cincinnati now. The best part of the weekend other than seeing Denise's super adorable son Alex (pictures to come eventually of my visit!) was going for a run in my favorite childhood park. I hadn't been to Mill Creek in forever and on the Saturday of my visit, my body woke me up early so I took advantage of the cool autumn morning and went for a run. Those three miles did my spirit so much good because it was nice to be able to relive some happier childhood memories spent in that park instead of some of the darker memories that seem to cloud me everytime I go for a visit.
--The following weekend Vince came to Cincinnati from Athens for a visit. We spent the weekend watching movies, laughing, and just catching up. We hadn't seen each other since May and it did my heart a world of good to just be able to spend time with someone who means so much to me. We also went to the Newport Aquarium while he was here and he was so funny to watch! It was fun experiencing one of my favorite Cincinnati attractions with someone who had never been and seeing it through his eyes. Pictures to also come eventually of his visit.
--Two weeks later was my birthday weekend. I celebrated by attending my first ever UC football game (we're still undefeated this season...woo!) and then going to dinner down on the river with my friends who refused to let me pay for anything that night. After dinner we went to Starbucks at Barnes and Noble and I told them that nothing makes a cool October night better than hot chocolate and browsing in a bookstore. I'm pretty sure I also said it was the perfect date! :-P
--My actual birthday was the 19th and we were supposed to have a family dinner on the 20th but the state health board showed up for their annual survey at my mom's work so my family wasn't able to go to dinner with me. I was so disappointed but Tym and Adrienne made up for it and treated me to dinner at the Spaghetti Factory (my favorite restaurant) and then Tym and I went shoe shopping. Well, I did. He just kind of watched. haha Since I've been so swamped with school and work, my family is celebrating tomorrow night. My mom is making her world famous homemade spaghetti sauce and my sister, brother in law, and the kids are all coming over for dinner so it'll be nice to spend time with them.
--This past weekend I went to see the Broadway tour of RENT not once, but twice! Megan is the world's greatest best friend and bought tickets for Carrie and I to see it. Originally, we were all going to pay for our own but Megan decided to surprise us and pay for our tickets. We managed to score these amazing FIFTH ROW seats thanks to Jon from our church. He and his wife are season ticket holders to the Aronoff and had the opportunity to add RENT on to their package and when he found out that he could, he asked us if we wanted tickets and then ordered them for us. Since we got them before they went on sale to the general public, we had amazing seats! I enjoyed the production so much that I decided I just had to see it again and text Tym to see if he'd be interested in going so I in turn bought his ticket for him for Christmas and he, Liz, and I got all dressed up and went to the Aronoff on Saturday night to see it. Tym had never seen it at all and Liz had only seen the movie so it was so fun to share this experience with them! Tym of course had lots of questions since he had never seen the movie but overall we had a great time and I have now declared myself a RENT junkie. :-)
--My workouts are slowly getting back on track. Some weeks I only make it to the gym once, sometimes twice a week. My goal is eventually to work my way back up to three nights a week but we'll see how that works out. I've also decided to start meeting with a personal trainer once or twice a month to refine my workouts because I've hit my plateau. I haven't gained anything, but I haven't lost anything either so I need some help tailoring a workout every so often that will help me to keep moving towards my goal weight.
So there you have it. That's my life for the month of October. Since I know November is going to be just as crazy with the quarter winding down, I'll probably be back in December to update. I'm sure I'll be around to read though. :-)
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