Lunchtime vulnerability

I just left work (I was off today) after dropping off food I had made for the baby shower we were having for my boss. She's expecting her third baby boy and she's been on bed rest as a precaution so we were throwing her a shower before she gets much further into her pregnancy and is put on bed rest for good til the baby gets here. For the first time in three and a half years of working at the preschool, I finally feel like a member of the staff. I don't know why I didn't before. I guess right now the dynamics of our staff are good and we all genuinely enjoy each other. I don't know.

Now I'm sitting at McDonald's because my car is next door at Tire Discounters getting the tires rotated. I just had the power steering pump replaced last night and since I get free tire rotation since I bought my tires at TD, I figured it may be a good time to get them rotated, especially because they've been kind of shaky on the highway for the last two weeks.

Time for a vulnerable moment. Maybe it's just me, but I feel like facebook lately has become a reflection of everything I want, but can't have at the moment. I spent time with one of my close girlfriends last weekend and I told her I sometimes feel like I'm sitting by and waiting for my life to start. This conversation was had while standing in the home department at Macy's as we talked about what it would be like to be registering for a wedding and planning our futures. I told her I feel like I'm sitting by and waiting for some guy to come by and complete my life. Why?? Why do I do that to myself?

Lately, I feel like my facebook is full of weddings, babies, and the future. Two of my best friends are married (one with a child), a third is planning her wedding, and the other is living on her own, in a good job, while going to school full time. Where am I? I'm 27, I still live at home with mommy and daddy, and even though an opportunity has popped up for me to move out, I can't afford it. I work three days a week and I'm barely making the bills as it is. I can't afford to move out right now. So why do I still feel so empty inside?

I know I write this entry every six months or so, but man, when this feeling hits, it hits hard. Thinking back on high school, at 16, 17, or even 18 years old, I always had myself married off by 25, with a kid on the way, and working in my dream job. Clearly God has other plans because none of that is happening in my life right now. I know He has great plans and I know He has me right where He wants me, so why can't I let go of this awful empty feeling?

Don't get me wrong. I know I have exciting things going on in my life, things I'm looking forward to, but for some reason, I just can't shake this ridiculous feeling. I keep thinking back to the fall and what things would be like if Dan and I had made it. I keep wondering "what if" about my career path and what would have happened if I had gone through with the second round of interviews after college at the domestic violence shelter and not stayed in my safe zone at Lighthouse. Where would I be if even one little decision had been made differently?

My dear friend Erin told me I can't think like that, that I am where I am for a reason. I can't live my life with regrets, always wondering "what if," and asking God when the next best thing is going to happen. God's plan always turns out to be far greater than my own, so why do I feel like this? Why do I feel like everyone else's lives are moving and mine is stuck?

My words for 2012 are strength and growth. I need to get back to the basics of what those mean for me and start focusing on them. I know that by putting God first, everything else will fall into place and these feelings will fade. But man, all I want to do right now is sulk. Is that so wrong?