Peace

This entry may be all over the place because my mind is all over the place tonight. I should actually be sleeping because I'm exhausted but my mind is on overload. I'm so glad tomorrow is Saturday and I can sleep in.

On another, more serious note, I've been doing some thinking about my life and where my life is at right now. Ever since I've gotten back from Denver, my heart and my mind have been wrapped around it. I won't lie- the idea of moving is still fresh in my mind and I have gone around and around in circles about it. I've sought out the opinions of my friends, my mom, and my sister and have been weighing my options.

The other day, I finally couldn't take it anymore. I have been in tears several times since getting home two weeks ago and since I was off from interning and my job, I spent my day down on the river, the place everyone knows I go when I need to clear my head. It was there that I broke myself before the Lord and told Him I couldn't do this anymore, that I couldn't take it consuming my mind all the time because it was just too much. The worry, the anxiety, the fears...it was just too much for something that may not happen or if it does happen, won't happen for two years.

I walked and I walked and I walked. During that walk, several tears were shed over the thought that maybe God is truly calling me out of my comfort zone, out of the place that I love, away from the people I love, to a place where I have only a few connections and a place I don't really know. I told Him I didn't understand how something that had started as a joke had suddenly turned serious. I asked Him why He would want to move me out of this place and that while part of me finds the idea of an adventure exciting, the bigger part of my heart is scared because I have never entertained the idea of being away from my family before.

By the end of the hour I had spent walking along the river (I had to have done at least four miles or so round trip) I had a sense of peace, something I haven't felt once since getting home from Denver two weeks ago. I told God I was ready to go wherever He wants to take me, as scary as that may sound. I asked Him to prepare my heart for this next chapter in my life, no matter what it may be.

That very night, I went for ice cream with one of my best friends, one of the few people who has known me my entire life (I am so glad she moved to Cincinnati last year because I would be a wreck without her right now!) and talked out everything that had happened with her. She listened, she repeated what she had told me a week ago about how she thinks I'm at a point in my life where I could probably handle a move of this magnitude, and then she shared with me something that has been stuck in my mind since Wednesday night.

She told me to remember to live in the moment. She said that while this next chapter is exciting and adventurous, to remember to live in the moment and cherish the times and experiences I have with my friends and family right now. She told me to be careful to not push them away just because it will make it easier to leave when the time comes. She told me that now, more than ever, is when I'm going to need them and so I need to cherish every memory I can make with them before I decide on what the next step in my life is going to be.

That was what I needed to hear. I told her I was already afraid because I feel as if part of me has made the decision to make this move and that I was afraid I would push everyone away to make it easier. But in all honesty, if I decide to move to Denver, it is these people who I'm going to need in my life because they are the ones who remind me of my background, of the place I have here, and the encouragement they provide. Without them, without their support, I wouldn't be able to even consider all of this. It is during those moments of homesickness that I would need their love and support most of all because they are going to reaffirm why I chose the route I chose. If I push them away now, I'll lose them when I need them the most.

I needed to hear that because for the last two weeks, every time I've been logged on to the internet, my facebook has been open so I can chat with the friends I made while in Denver. My phone has been by my side so I can text them as soon as something strikes that makes me think of them. My every thought has been consumed by the connection I made in Denver and the thought of what they are doing without me instead of being here, in the moment, in the life I'm living right now.

It felt so good to have my computer turned off for a couple of hours tonight to just hang out and watch a movie with my mom. My phone was on the coffee table away from me and I was able to focus on this moment, this routine my mom and I do every other weekend when she was off of work.

I need to live in the here and now, and not the future because I don't know where God's going to take my future. It could be here in Cincinnati, it could be in Denver, or it could be in France for all I know. What I do know is that between my time spent on the river and my time with Adrienne, I suddenly have a sense of peace that I didn't have before and for that, I am grateful.

On that note, I am off to get some much needed sleep. First, I need to turn off the alarm so I'm not woken up at 7 a.m. thinking it's time for work.