No motivation

I don't know what my deal is lately but I have no motivation for anything: no motivation for running, work, interning, nothing. This is bad because we're going into week two of the quarter and I already don't want to do school work. I'm taking the comps in five weeks and I have no motivation to study, even though I HAVE to pass this time around.

I feel like all I've wanted to do lately is sleep. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I've been pulling anywhere from 10-12 hour days the three days a week I've been working. I know this was what I originally wanted but it's draining me. By the end of those days, I have no energy for anything. The two days a week I intern, I go straight to class after which is also exhausting. I know this is all going to be worth it and in nine months when I hold that degree in my hand I'll be glad I did it but man, right now it's just too much. I secretly sometimes wish I could quit my job and just focus on school but we all know that's not happening anytime soon.

I've had a lot on my mind about a lot of things and I can sense that God's about to open and close some doors in my life. I can't figure out exactly which doors are about to open and close but I know it's about to happen. We've been doing a new series at Crossroads on friendship and the last couple of weeks have been convicting me in a lot of ways. I think that's why I feel so out of sorts lately. I know God is about to do something big. I just don't know what it is.

I miss running but I don't even have the motivation for that. Today was the Race for the Cure, which was supposed to be my second race of the season and that clearly did not happen. I need to get myself back on track. I've put on a good ten pounds lately and I need to get back to the gym not only to run, but to be healthy. I need to start making some better eating choices, drinking more water, and working out again. I think that's part of why I feel so out of sorts. I feel a lot better about myself after I've been to the gym and had a good workout.

Denver has been on my mind a lot today. I feel like I've fallen out of touch with Mike, who I consider one of my best friends. I can't remember the last time we had a long conversation. We talked two weeks ago but it felt awkward. I don't know. I was looking through pictures tonight and they make me miss Denver a lot. I miss my friends and the beauty of the area and the part of me I leave behind every time I come home. I'm still tossing around the idea of flying out to take the boards. It's just a matter of trying to figure out when and how to make it happen.

Honestly, I know what's holding me back and I wish I could figure out where that particular situation stands. But, I know I need to take it slow and day by day. Baby steps. After tonight at Crossroads, I know that where things are right now are exactly where they're supposed to be, but a bigger part of me wants to rush things, even though I know that's not good either.

I'm just so...overwhelmed and confused and torn right now. I just can't make sense of anything. I don't even know where I'm going writing this. I think I just needed to clear my head. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel better. Or...I don't know. One day at a time...

Why I love my job...

I know I have a ton to update on but tonight I leave you four year old humor because my kids at work are hilarious! And just as an understanding... X is one of our four year old students and I know for a fact his dad doesn't live in Mexico because his dad is our maintenance man at work. When I told him this story, he just shook his head and laughed. It was definitely the highlight of my day!

Me pointing to Cincinnati on a map: We live right here!


X pointing to Mexico: My daddy lives here!

Me: X, your daddy does not live in Mexico. He lives here.

X: That's okay. We're going to move here! *points to South Dakota*

Me: X, you know it snows a lot in South Dakota right?

X: We like snow! Oh and you know what Miss Heather?

Me: What?

X: You can't go to Las Vegas.

Me: Why not? (We had never talked about Vegas so this came out of nowhere!)

X: Because the monster in Las Vegas will eat you!

When I told our maintenance man this story about his son, he asked me if I had pointed to Vegas on a map and I said no. Then he asked me if I was planning a trip to Vegas and I said "Well, now I'm not because there's apparently a monster that's going to eat me!"

I love my job. :-)

Interesting twist...

I can't believe it's been ten years since the attacks on our nation. I still clearly remember that day. I was a junior in high school, sitting in my third period Economics class when another student ran into the room and yelled at the teacher to turn on the television. We watched in horror as the second plane hit the second tower and then in devastation and disbelief as both towers collapsed. For the rest of the day, every class had us watching history unfold and I remember going home that night and being glued to the television.

Today, ten years later, I got to be part of an incredible and surreal moment at lunch as all of Bdubs went silent right before the Bengals game as they spread out an American flag over the entire field. When they started singing the national anthem on television, people in Bdubs started singing along, myself included. It gave me goosebumps just to be part of such an incredible experience. We'll never see a moment like that again where an entire restaurant goes silent and begins to sing the national anthem together. Wow.

In an interesting and perhaps God-driven turn of events, my long weekend in Denver in November is not going to happen. For whatever reason, as I was driving to my aunt's today, I remembered why that date was ringing a bell in my head. It's fall retreat weekend, a weekend I committed to months ago with my youth kids. I'm not backing out. It's my favorite weekend of the entire year to be a youth sponsor.

And of course, none of the other dates are panning out either. Coincidence? I don't think so. God-driven? Absolutely. Why do I think so? Because today at church I got presented with an incredible opportunity to go overseas with my youth kids to Haiti next summer on a mission trip. It had been mentioned awhile back, but Seth hadn't narrowed anything down and was unsure of where we were going to go. Now he's decided we're going to Haiti and it's just a matter of pinning down the exact dates in either June or July.

I don't have to make a decision until about March but I'm going to start praying about it now because if I'm going, I need to get a passport, start raising money, figure out what shots are needed, etc. I think it's funny that this came up today because my mom and I were just discussing last night that with all the traveling I do, that I should get a passport. Again...coincidence? I think not!

So right now I'm praying like crazy and I'm asking that you all pray with me. I don't know yet if I'm feeling completely called to go but it would be such an amazing once in a lifetime opportunity. I don't have anything tying me down and since I'll most likely still be at the preschool through at least the end of next summer, I'll be able to get those two weeks off of work with no problems.

Check out the website of Northwest Haiti Christian Mission at: http://www.nwhcm.org/ for more information on what could be an incredible experience for me. I'm so excited to see what doors God is going to open up in the next year!

To go or not to go...

Long weekend in Denver to take the boards in November. To go or not to go? The question is...was the idea of moving to Denver ever really gone in the first place or is this my flight instinct kicking in because of the past few days?

I've been sitting here crunching numbers since I've had nothing better to do because I was home from my internship today with an awful migraine this morning. I just...I don't know. We all know my connection to Denver. Now the question is: what are my reasons for wanting to do it?

I don't need to make an official decision until sometime in October when I have to register for the exam. It's a lot to think about but I haven't been able to get it out of my mind since two weeks ago when my relocation guide to Denver came that I sent for months ago while I was still in Denver.

*sigh* Sometimes, it really sucks to be an adult and have to make such big decisions.

The end

We broke up tonight. I'm a mess. All I've done is cry and yell since he dropped me off at 8:30. My heart hurts so much because I never saw this coming.

"What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away


And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do"